#alas. doomed to suffer for eternity (until its awake again)

[mysunshine-youremoonlight]

my partner is asleep and i miss it. augh

[trippydwarf]

Revised, edited. and added only a little.

NSFW

Waking up in the passenger seat of a car, I bring my free, right hand to my face in a sluggish way. I squeeze the warm hand that swallows my petite southpaw. It squeezes back with reassurance and affection. Turning my face from the window to my driver, I smile sleepily while laying my head back on the seat. I gaze at him while the sun is nearly set on his opposite side. There is a blend of oranges and pinks covering the ceilings of the outside. Puffs of purple clouds dotted the skies. The sun was hardly peaking out, but just enough to slightly irritate my fresh, awakened eyes; but it highlighted him in every way. As his eyes stayed on the road, I could see the sun shining dark shades of amber and carmel into them. He peeks at the corner of his eyes my way, grinning back at me with a smile that lights up any room he enters. “Mmm, you’re awake finally,” he stated with the slightest excitement in his voice as if he couldn’t get enough of my attention.

“Where are we now?” I asked looking around for signs. Not one single sign. Not even in the near distance of what I can see from the light darkening with the time passing by. I look out the window on the side of me and see boulders and dirt, no not dirt, sand. Arizona, a beautiful state from all directions. There’s beauty in the nature of it, how the deserts dehydrate everything with it’s blazing sun rays. Only having limited sources to test the survival of what lives among its dunes.

“About three hours away from our destination,” he answered as he pretended I knew his plan. He has been so unpredictable these past couple weeks. Never telling me what we’re doing or where we’re, yet I follow his lead trusting him without even thinking twice. Having just left Las Vegas, I look at the positioning of the sun to attempt to reveal what direction we’re heading to. I reminisce in past conversations of ours conversing about the places I’ve never been to. The list is slightly shorter now, but it still has length.

“Grand Canyon,” I blurted out as if I was in a tangent. There was a silence that filled the air as he just smiled, not admitting if I was right or not.

“Am I starting to get predictable?” he questioned.

“Is it always such a bad thing?” I answered with a question of my own.

“I like to keep you on your toes,” finally ending the question game with a real answer.

I smile while looking in his direction. I glance down at our hands intertwined as they always are when we drive together. Being apart for so long will do that to a couple of soulmates. “It’s okay, I’m excited!” feeling pumped about the fact that I’m going to experience another beautiful, rare piece of scenery that nature gas provided for the world to be in awe of.

“That’s good, Baby,” he sounded as there was relief in his voice, “I love it when you’re happy.”

I give his hand a tighter hold. I can’t believe mine is in his, finally. We’ve waited and suffered for such a long time without each other. Two people can only be without one another for so long until they can struggle no more to fight the gravitational pull that brings them together. It is forced with emotion and mentality. Finally, being able to feel and release that passion we both have desired so greatly is an unbelievable sensation. I never want to let this go. I never want to let him go. If he could hold me forever, it would mean I was in Heaven.

For a long while, we were with other people, or more like monsters of manipulation and control. Unhappy and withering away we were, not being able to express our true selves. It was as if we were living lives that we thought were fate doomed by our bloodlines and karma. I went through the cycle not once, but twice. I had lost myself nearly completely the second time around. I let normality take over and it dragged onto me until I was completely miserable with what I set myself up with. I didn’t let normality win for the sake of attempting to save myself from the disapproval of society. I did it because, at one time, someone else depended on me. That poor unfortunate boy was cursed to have a mother who’s not nearly worthy to experience his upbringing and growth. Alas, I believe he is much better without me. They all are.

For nearly five years, I stayed imprisoned along with my depression and suicidal thoughts that I was too much of a pussy to go through with. Along with emotional abandonment and mental abuse knocking at the door of my deteriorating mental health, my hate for living grew so much that I walked around as a stoned zombie for months. It was just to quiet the thoughts that could be so loud sometimes that it was as if I couldn’t hear anything else happening around me. Now, I want to hear every thought that pops into my brain. Recently, I have only endured into the sweet essence of THC for pure enjoyment, instead of a numbing mechanism since I abandoned my old life.

After these past couple weeks, I don’t think I would ever want to imagine being without him again. It was such a loveless and traumatic experience to do so. I had believed that the world would always be cold, and that I would be forever frozen in it; he wasn’t going to let that happen. I’m sure he didn’t even hesitate to decide that I was going to be his to save. I’m convinced it was his plan from the first “hello” we shared. Before we physically met, we grew a connection that may be unbreakable. Not even the strongest forces going against it can ruin what we’ve manifested. Day and night, we’d stay in contact in some sort of way. His voice would replace the music coming from my car radio as I would lug myself to work and back to hell. Those days I couldn’t have the pleasure to listen to his sweet words coming from his lips were sometimes the worst. My mind can be at rest knowing that I won’t have to live that way anymore.

It’s like time goes by at hyper-speed when we are together. Having eternity with each other now, yet that just isn’t enough for me. So much time was wasted procrastinating out of fear and guilt. I remember so vividly what our first face-to-face encounter was like as it really wasn’t that long ago. My problems were mine no more once his arms swallowed my body and our lips pursed together naturally and passionately. That feeling when everything horrible that has happened to me ceased to exist. As if I really only started living at that moment, the rest of the time was just merely surviving what agony I’d dealt with.

The sun set and we are still on the road. Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon are only about four hours apart. We are now about twenty minutes away from the destination of our next adventure before going back to Florida. We had been through half the country in such a short time. Missing his only child, we plan to head home after seeing the stars in Arizona over the canyon. A part of me wants to travel forever with this man, but I’m too excited to meet his little one. A person to give my motherly love to, but not having him be forced to only depend on me for that bond a child naturally desires. I already ran away from that once and he already has a mother for that.

The sky slowly popped with stars as the background faded to dark colors. We come to a stop. He puts the car in park, resting his head on the seat, and inhaling real deep. As he was exhaling, he sounded relaxed. He turns his head towards me and shines that sweet smile at me. I love that smile, oh Lord. “Are you ready, Love?” he gently asked me with a calmness in his voice.

“Yes, Dear,” replying with the same calmness in my voice, returning a grin. It’s odd because I always assumed love was like it was supposed to be in the movies. I thought love were hands that tremble and knees that are weak. It was supposed to put butterflies in your stomach. That’s not how I feel at this moment with him. When he looks at me, I feel at peace. It’s like we’re the only ones, like we’ve always been the only ones, on Earth for each other. He’d never hurt me, at least never in a way I wouldn’t take liking to.

We both exit out the vehicle in unison. Meeting at the trunk, we start unpacking the sleeping bags to lay on. I carry one as he carries another to a spot not too far from the car. I look back as the headlights shine on us. It was almost blinding. My eyes had to adjust afterward. He holds my hand the whole way there, I’m guessing in case I lose my footing. He unrolls, unzips, and spreads out the sleeping bag he was carrying. Then, he takes the one I’m holding and does the same on top of the first one. He suddenly turns towards me with an “I forgot something” expression on his face, “I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere.”

“Where would I even-,” I decided not to finish my sentence because he couldn’t hear me anyway. I look at the car, the direction he was walking in. He gets into the trunk and it looks like he grabbed the beer cooler. He comes back and sets the cooler at the edge of the sleeping bag. He sits down close to where I’m standing, on the side of me. I was still not seated with him because I was just in awe at how beautiful the world really can be. I was soaking up all of its glory. It set me into a daze.

All of a sudden, I was pulled to the ground while my head was in the stars. I find myself in his muscular arms once again. He is always so warm, as it is quite chilly in Arizona at night. I feel his body underneath mine as he just holds me with a random playlist in the background from his phone. It’s always those moments that are true bliss. It’s that “let me hold you forever” type moment. I raise my head off his brawny chest and look deep into his eyes with a relaxed smile. “Hi.”

He smiles back at me, “Hey there, how are you?”

“I’m fine now,” I smile far wider than before. It’s true. I’m fine as long as I never have to remember that lifeagain. I will be okay as long as I have him. He makes it all better.

He’s still smiling at me, starstruck by love. “This time I believe you,” he admits to me as I remember a texting conversation we had once. I had told him that I was fine one day, and he asked me to never lie to him. He knew, then, that I would never be all right if we weren’t together and neither would he.

Right now, I feel so safe. Burrowing into his muscular chest, I will never want anyone else. How could I? He’s utter perfection. This massive gentleman stands nearly a foot over me. I’ve always liked my men tall. He is built like a machine with his muscles tightening the sleeves of his shirt. Veins that run down and disappear as they run down his wrists. His clothing tightens at his shoulders and upper back, fitting him snugly. His neck is strong and is partly hiding behind the scruffiness of his dark facial hair. It conceals half of his face with a short beard with a smile in the middle of it. His cheeks are round with a button nose, yet still masculine. Eyes, that are a deep brown, look into my soul through his black framed glasses. Head shaved like a badass, although I’m sure he looks great with hair too.

We admired our surroundings for a considerable amount of time. All of a sudden, we switch positions swiftly. I’m not difficult for him to maneuver by any means. I find this fact to be an advantage for what he is capable of doing to me. Nibbling at my neck to my lips, he kisses me passionately while one hand supports his body and the other is holding me by the hip. Pulling me closer to him, as he is clearly indicating that he wants to become one within me. I sense his excitement teasingly rubbing against me. I then grab his hip and pull him, aggressively, even closer to me. My hand wanders from his hip to his groin while the other is on his back pulling his shirt closer over his head. My hand grazes over scratches I had left on his skin from times before when he has convinced me with his talent to completely lose control. We are both aggressive lovers. Almost like we fight for dominance. Every now and then he lets me win, but not very often. I prefer my man to be stronger than me in all aspects. I wish, now, to taunt the monster within him to be unleashed onto me as I reach for his member from inside his boxers that had yet been removed. I need to let him satisfy my every sexual desire at this very second.

My top was already half missing, as I like to strut in crop tops often, making it easy for anyone to see my midriff and only for him to reach inside to feel my precious bosoms that his hands cup perfectly around. I enjoy the sensation of his fingertips gently caressing my ribs as if he is counting each one over and over. We slowed down to not miss this memory we are creating here under the stars in Arizona by. I gracefully lift my shirt from over my head as I am underneath his kneeling body. He works diligently at unbuttoning my shorts, removing them briskly to get to what will fill his hunger.

His lips lead from my sternum, down my navel with sweet kisses of appreciation. This way he lets me know that he treasures what is truly, and has always really has been, his. I feel his facial hair tickling my waistline as he hesitates for a moment. Then, he moves his sweet, tender kisses to both sides where my hips and my upper thighs lay. Covered in scars from my own destruction, he sees the beauty in every single cut that used to be there. It’s like he removes every horrific thought that led to me taking my lack of controllability out on my body.

He knows that the temptation for me to mutilate my body still exists to some extent. I can’t always be in control and I can’t accept it. Part of this trip was to educate me into having someone else take the lead. This is why I am so oblivious to where we’re going the majority of the time. It wasn’t easy for me at first, but I accepted this challenge to defeat the way I like to inflict pain onto myself. My anxiety has yet to take over yet. My comfortability with him is strange. I’ve never been so easy to take over and put a spell under, but he does me that way and I like it.

I’m completely exposed, not an inch of clothing on my body. With my entire body, naked, for him to explore. He goes right for the gold with his face, nibbling and licking the inside of my lower lips and clitoris. His tongue grazes in between the lips in an upward position towards the most sensitive area. The pleasure surges through my body, making it so hard to stay composed. I push his head into my pelvis and reposition my hips in hoping to get a more intense sensation. Having his hand around my ass to press me into his mouth, and the other hand is working down below. I feel everything ten times more than I ever did as he’s really going at it in so many directions. Finally, deciding to let out a moan out of pure ecstasy. “Mmm, Henry!” Calling out his name as I root for him to go further than what we already have.

He moves his half-way taken off shorts down to his ankles, getting them lost among the bottom of the sleeping bag. Henry, then, matches our pelvic areas to be insync with one another. Taking his left hand to my right thigh, he feels me down and then lifts my leg on to his shoulder. This puts my knee near my head. He is raised up to where we can make eye contact. Usually being uncomfortable with that, but with him I don’t mind. He comes face-to-face, almost close enough to kiss, but not quite. Knowing that he is teasing me by hesitating and ceasing all action except for angling his appendenge just right for me to barely feel it, he waits to see how long I can resist him.

As I can not anticipate waiting anymore, I pull him by his shoulders closer to me. I kiss him hard, and end it with an antagonistic bite of his lip. Then pushing him away and lowering my leg off his shoulder gently while looking at him playfully, he lets me take over. We switch positions once again as if we are dancing. I am now on top of Henry, with only the other sleeping bag covering us. With both of his in mine, I pin them over his head and lean down to kiss him once more. I let go of his hands and slowly felt him all the way down while I descended down to his penis to wrap my mouth around it. I play with the tip with my tongue, shove as much as I can in my mouth, and then back out as a tease. I cup his balls with my hand and deep throat him. I hear him indulging into this moment. He has a handful of my hair clinched in his hands. I put my hand on top of his on my head, pushing it down at a slow pace. my jaws widening to take in all of his masculinity. Struggling to keep hold of it long, I regurgitate it back out.

It is at this time, I come back up to face-to-face with my lover. I have one leg on each side of him with my lady bits resting on his junk. I kiss up his neck while his hand is in mine. Then, I pin up his hand above his head, so I support my weight to reach underneath me. I take a hold of his shaft and strike myself into the portal in between my legs. I gasp in response to the overwhelming sensation of being in one with my soul mate once again. He thrusts upward into me and it makes me arch my back and let out a soft moan. At the same time, I am steadily rocking on his dick. He grabs my petite waist and pushes hard up against me once again and again. We have a synchronized rhythm going. The beat to our song gets faster and I am almost to climax. I can feel the sweat drip down my spine in the crisp cold, desert air. It’s coming from all the work and pleasure I’ve put into this rendezvous. The blood feels hot in my body as my heart is beating like a hummingbird’s. I am so close to orgasming, I beg for him not to stop. “Take me,” I moan out, “have me, please!”

At my request, Henry sits up and gets from underneath me. Before I could look to see what he’s doing, I felt his warm body behind mine as we were both facing the same direction and on our knees. Now, the blanket is completely removed and I only have him for warmth. I feel his breath on my neck and ear. Our skin sticks due to us sweating in such a climate. One of his hands was holding me up to him and the other was reaching inside of me. He nibbles and tugs on my ear with his teeth. Chills go down my spine, and my heartbeat is so loud; as I am so turned on by the fact that he is about to take total control. He whispers an order in my ear seductively, “lay down.”

As he wishes, I do as he says like the good girl that I am. As I make the motion to turn towards him; he grabs my hip and stops me. “No, stay right there,” he says as I remain on my stomach by his command. He positions himself in between my legs. Moving his large cock to where it needs to be, he has one hand working it in as the other is softly gripping my neck. I felt pressure come within me and I groaned as I took him in. Henry lays on top of me, but supports himself enough not to hurt me. I can feel his breath on my ear again. He bites my neck with slight aggression, enough to make me loud.

Removing his hand from my neck to grabbing my hair and somewhat tilting my head back, he thrusts hard into me again and again. The more he goes on, the more I am enjoying every inch. My hands are clinching the sleeping bag in hopes of not losing it just yet. I am nearly to the point of releasing what sexual tension he has built up. I sound as I am gasping for air, enjoying him too much. I feel him lay closer to me and he turns my face towards him and kisses me from my lips onto my neck. “Why are you so perfect for me?” He asks in my ear as he is slowly pumping into me in an affectionate way.

The burly man lifts up off of me, “I want you to turn around, please,” almost as if he was asking instead of demanding. This was nearly as much of a turn on because it was like he had gotten romantic, all of a sudden, instead of being the crazed sex monster that had just preformed. I turned around as he asked. He slips both of my legs upon his shoulders to sense a different angle to get off on. He focuses on putting his tip at the beginning of my hole. Then, unhurriedly sunk each inch into me. Leaning closer to me, he is trying to test my limits. How flexible am I? How far can he get in at this angle? Will it be too deep for me?

I grow quiet in response to the amount of dopamine that my body is releasing into my system. I am almost in shock of how good he makes me feel. He enjoys it as much as I do, I’m sure. “Are you okay?” He is always so reassuring, making sure that everything is within my consent. Someone who is a true gentleman is hard to comeby.

“mmhhmm, just keep going,” I said in a soft voice as I’m not sure why I was still holding everything in. Maybe it’s because I’m testing his limits as well. I want to see how far he’ll go to get a rise out of me, or if he’ll let go before I do. Does he dare let me think he can’t keep up with me? I highly doubt it. He may be quite a few years my elder, but he is far more healthier than I am; even after all the damage his body has been through in his lifetime.

He stopped sliding in and our faces were towards one another. Foreheads and noses touching, I could almost kiss him. We just gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment as there is absolutely nothing in between us anymore. He pulls out and pushes back in repeatedly. His rhythm is growing rapidly, but soft enough that it is intensifying every nerve. I hold on to his thighs to feel more of him, but the sensation is so breathtaking that I almost go numb from feeling so good. Out of my control, I feel my fingernails dig into his thighs and I hear him grunt softly from it; Only making him keep on going.

Henry leans up, leaving my legs on his shoulders, and with him still inside. He reaches for my throat again, leaving him in charge of me completely. His other hand is supporting his weight, while holding my hand. Still giving it to me in the best way, he squeezes a little tighter around my throat and fucks me longer and harder. I love being tested. It isn’t just to test my limits, but to test my trust for him. Only he can turn me on in this way, for he is the only one I truly trust. My free hand is digging my nails into his shoulder once more. His poor back has been torn up since we’ve been together, but I just can’t help myself. We are both breathing so heavy, that I almost can’t hear the music. He is as sweaty as I am, and I don’t mind at all.

In an instance, I feel a sudden gush of release from two different angles. At this moment, I nearly scream in climax, “Oh! mmm, Henry!” and both of us stopped and our bodies went limp from exhaustion. My legs were shaking from all that they’ve endured. We are both out of breath, and we rest while we try to catch it. There is quite a mess in between us, a constant result that happens when we do such things together.

After a few moments of rest, we are still so tired from loving each other so hard. The man’s thick arm reached over my head to grab his shirt. He, then, gives it to me. “Ladies first,” he offered.

I take his shirt and wipe myself off as best as I could. I give it back for him to do the same. Henry sits up and collects some sort of clothing items on the side of him. “Here Vee, I knew you wouldn’t want to go searching for those,” he said as he was handing me a clean t-shirt from his clothes. I take it out of his hand and give him a kiss as a thank you.

We both get half-way decent just so we can snuggle up to one another. I face towards him, so I can see his eyes twinkle along with the sky. He stares back at me and I feel at home. He doesn’t have any ulterior motives. He just wants to love me and to have me. Henry really strives to just see me happy, but what is happiness if I’m not with him? I smile sweetly at him, feeling at ease in his arms right now. “You are so fucking beautiful,” Henry pointed out, “I love you.” He kisses my forehead with tenderness.

“And I, you, Dear,” I smile and nuzzle into his fitted chest once again tonight. The music is still playing in the background. After being satisfied at such great measures, I am growing tiresome. My eyes drift closed due to being so heavy. I hardly hear the radio as I am actually listening to his heart beat for me. It has become my nightly ritual to make it my lullaby. It’s the best song I have ever heard and it’s like it was only written for me. He is only for me as I am only for him. There’s nobody else anymore. I can fall asleep with him tonight being at peace with that.

I don’t feel the sort of stickiness I’m used to from sleeping outside. Arizona is a dry climate. Humidity doesn’t exist in a place like this. When I open my eyes, I immediately realize that I’m not next to my other half. Where did he go? I think to myself as I rub my eyes and situate his shirt correctly onto my body. I stand up and notice my feet were bare. It hardly bothers me anymore. I’m growing more comfortable with every inch of my body as I spend more time inder Henry’s influence. I feel the rock solid ground underneath me. It’s warming up from the rays in the sky, not yet burning my feet. It must be quite early in the morning here in the Grand Canyon. I walk carefully to the vehicle, avoiding any stubbing of the toes. Creeping to the trunk, I stop feeling panicked looking for him as I’ve spotted him trying to make himself decent to gather our belongings and hit the road. He never wastes any time.

“Good morning, Gorgeous!” he roars out of excitement. I am not a morning person. He is my polar opposite when it comes to that. I adore that about him. It makes mornings a lot easier to deal with. The fact that I, now, have the desire to really and truly live makes it easier.

“Mm, good morning to you,” I reply sleepily as I walk up behind him. I rest my head into his back as I wrap my arms around him, with my hands on his chest. No matter how hot it is, we’re never close enough.

He closes the trunk and turns towards me. Looking down my direction with his dough brown eyes, “are you —.”

“PANCAKES!” I perked up, all energized, answering his question before it could escape his lips.

“—hungry...” he smiled as he finished his sentence involuntarily. Henry kisses my forehead and gazes back down at me, “let’s go get pancakes.”

“Yum!” I say excitedly, yet quietly. We both head down to our canyon love pallet to pack it away. Working as a team, we have it all put away in a hurry. Then, I get dressed in a My Chemical Romance black tee with white cut-off shorts. I always strut my black Vans with the translucent rainbow checkers and classic white line. My shoelaces are straight laced. I have little-to-no fear if someone sees my body as I trade outfits. There’s only me and him.

We are all ready and set to go to get pancakes from the nearest town, wherever that is. I pull out my new phone, because why would I need my old number or old phone? “Hey, Siri!” I demand an answer from the AI on my phone. I look at Henry until I get an answer. That’s a thing I do. I just like to look at him. Take in every detail at any moment. Sometimes Siri is stuck on buffering mode anyway.