#alas i need to survive through the last few weeks of this semester

[mangozic]

a couple of environment sketches for class

[fraudulence-paradox]

02/18/2021

The best, worst thing happened today. I have to take this huge test; like enormously important: my preliminary exam. If I don’t pass, I’m kicked out of the whole program. Now, this shouldn’t be cause for alarm. The exam is easy, supposedly. We get two old exams to use as practice, and with a little fenagling, I got two additional exams from one of the guys in the lab, so that’s a total of 4, a total of 27 practice questions I get to look at. On the actual exam, I need to answer 2 questions from one section in particular (computer architecture), and an additional 3 from the other sections, not exceeding 2 per section. My plan at the moment is as follows:

The architecture section is easy. It’s what I’ve been studying for something like 6 years now. I’m calling those two questions a wash. I feel pretty good about them. Then, I plan to answer two questions from the linear systems theory section. This was without a doubt the hardest class I’ve taken so far in grad school, but I have two things on my side: 1.) I just took this course last semester, so it’s still relatively fresh and 2.) they always have the same three questions on the exam. They ask you to solve a linear system of equations (easy town, this is what we did in sophomore year of undergrad. Try harder); they ask you about the particular qualities of a system, which I absolutely blow at, because this requires taking a rather complex integral that I just don’t want to do; and they ask you to use state feedback to change a system’s transfer function, which sounds hard, but really isn’t. It’s pretty much a formula you just plug into the question and the answer is right there. Now from time to time, they have an oddball question on there, at least in the four exams I’ve been studying from they do, but the two aforementioned questions I said I knew how to do seem to always be there. If they aren’t, I’m fucked. Finally, there’s the stochastic processes (fancy prob stat) section. I feel… not great about this section, but there’s usually something I can struggle through and get halfway correct.

Now here’s the kicker: I only need to pass this exam. Which I think means either 60 or 70%. So, we have my two freebie questions from architecture for a cool 40%, and the two from the linear systems section for another 40% bringing me to an 80%, so I don’t need to worry too much about the stochastic processes section… I hope. There is always the possibility that they either won’t have the questions I studied for, or I’ll just completely fuck up my answers. As a result, let’s say I get maybe a 60% on the questions I’m sure of. Well, that may be passing, and furthermore, if I get a softball stoch question, that should, HOPEFULLY push me over the precipice to pass it.

But I’m sure, dear reader, you’re wondering why the best, worst thing occurred. What the heck am I rambling about a test for? Well, I’ll tell you. This exam was originally going to take place tomorrow. I needed to show up on campus at 8AM sharp (meaning I needed to wake up at six in the god damn morning) to check in for a “COVID test”—which, as it turns out is just a questionnaire where they ask, “is your throat sore?” and take your temperature. I remember last March, when they used to ask if you’d been to China lately too. But, alas. It’s been a while since China outnumbered our COVID case rate. I digress—and when/if you pass they authorize your student ID to unlock the door to the Science and Engineering Hall (SEH).

I’ve been rather stressed about this whole song and dance. What if the nice people at the front desk of the check-in building think I look sickly? What if I run a temperature? What if traffic is bad (because god knows I’m not getting on the fucking metro to get into school, I’ll pay the $20 parking fee, thank you very much) and I’m late to check in? What if my alarm doesn’t go off, or I sleep through it? On second thought, better set a few alarms on my phone, computer, alarm clock, microwave oven, drier, any device with a clock on it. It’s best to be safe about these things. And to top it all off, the weather right now is horrendous.

In Texas, the power is fully out. The cold is so intense that the entire state of Texas has lost power. Let me repeat that. The state of Texas has lost power. The largest singularly governed body of land in the continental united states (other than Alaska maybe?) has been in a black out, its constituents literally dying of hypothermia for days now. Not that any of this affects me, but it demonstrates the sheer insanity of the polar vortex currently ripping through the country. So in addition to the whole laundry list of things freaking me out right now, I also have to worry about the time it will take to scrape all the ice off of my car, and driving on roads with little to no friction for at least 30 minutes in potentially rush-hour traffic into the city. No fucking thank you. And on top of all of that, there’s uncertainty if any of this will even happen! Like, the chance of an icy apocalypse tomorrow is only 50%! What the hell?

So all day, I’ve been stewing. Worrying about all the things I’ve said. But at the same time, I just want to get this damn test over and done with. I don’t like things looming in the future, but damn it if I don’t hate things looming in the future with an unknown end date. So I literally spent something like 10 or 12 (or probably closer to 16) hours bouncing from my bed to my desk to my bed. I tried to study at my desk, but got so freaked out the thing I was studying before was happening tomorrow that I barely got any studying done. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I threw something like 10 hours of the day totally out the window just shitting around on the internet. I was a fucking mess. But at the very least, it would all be over tomorrow, granted I survived the drive in.

But no. I received an email this evening informing me that the school would have a two-hour delay. I remember when I was small, sleeping with my pajamas inside-out, flushing ice cubes down the toilet, because these rituals were supposed to result in school-annihilating snow days like the one that was just announced. I didn’t do either the night before, but it still worked out somehow. However, a two-hour delay didn’t really mean anything. The exam could still happen! This only exacerbated my stress levels. Then, as if to say, “fuck you” right into my ear drums at a decibel level comparable to a jet takeoff, I got an email from the department saying, “we saw there’s a two-hour delay. We’re still figuring out what to do. Await further instruction.”

What the hell does that mean?? I saw the email and was slightly relieved. At least there was hope the exam would be put off. But damn, man. I stewed for a while, trying to decide what to feel, mostly feeling a strange mix of anxiety, fury and relief, all at once. Unpleasant, I must say. I could feel this warm ball of tension in my throat all day, but for those brief 15 minutes of extreme uncertainty it grew to the size of a pool cue.

Finally, I got an email officially saying it would be pushed to next week. What a relief. Sort of. On the one hand, I get another week to study for the thing. Maybe I can get as confident about the stochastic processes section as I am about the linear systems section. On the other hand, this whole day just went completely down the tubes. More so than usual. I mean, I’ve wasted some days. I have seriously wasted some days. But, Christ, today it wasn’t even a pleasant waste of time. Today was just stressful wandering around. I felt like I’d seen the face of Yog-Sothoth and was slowly losing my mind.

Anyway, that’s how today was the best, worst day I’ve experienced for a while. Total ecstasy when I realized the test was pushed, preceded by total dread when it was looming in the near future. Oh well. I’d really rather just get it over and done with. In the words of Stephen King, “Yog-Sothoth rules”.

[adorabledonutunicorn]

2018.

The year 2018 was an interesting one indeed. It had some of the highest of highs and lowest of lows, which I guess makes sense because if the lows weren’t so low, then the highs wouldn’t have felt so good. With the exception of my friend’s wedding of course. That was the highlight of my life haha and I’m probably the only one who doesn’t take that statement as an exaggeration. But seriously, her and her husband were meant to be from the beginning and it’s what they deserve. I’m just so happy for them and that wedding was magical. I cried and I never cryyy.

Anyways

Aside from that tangent

Starting at the beginning, 2018 began more fulfilling than I could have imagined. I was able to stay with some friends and leave ‘home’ early to go my real home before the semester started up again. (If u know me which if ur reading this u probably do, u know my parents are crazy and they suck. They aren’t abusive, they are just...impossible to deal with). I got to play Mariokart, watch Disney movies, spend time with my friends, and have deep conversations. I also got my invitation to my friend’s wedding in January so the year could really not start off any better haha. But being the depressed person I am, I was more than thankful for those moments, though I was depressed as ever. I finally decided to leave the Christian group I was a part of because those people were just plain toxic. In other words, the only other community besides the people in my dorm I thought I had to support me, was gone. Those people said that they cared but their actions did nothing but prove that was a lie. That’s really not helpful when I have compromised mental health so I left without saying goodbye. That isolation set the tone for the year.

Along with that, I was going into my hardest semester with ironically the best grades I have gotten to date in college. The spring semester was full of much insecurity of not getting an internship and not feeling good enough. I desperately wanted a job that paid and if it was possible, I didn’t wanna go home. That stress, anxiety, and insecurity built up so much that by April, I was beginning to lose hope. I felt trapped. This was round 1 of my suicidal thoughts in 2018. Thankfully though, the Good Lord came through at the last minute. Everything happened to work out such that I became a summer RA for my dorm, got free housing and food, and had a few friends staying for the summer too. Since I needed money, I got a job at the movie theater and that was a worthwhile experience. I learned some stuff, made some mistakes, had good and bad days, and made like 1.5 friends.

Then the fall semester came and I thought I was ready but alas, I was not. Here, round 2 of suicidal thoughts came, and this time, I decided I had to tell someone so I told my friends. All reacted about the same, but in the end, it’s helped to show me some of their true colors. I understand that they might not know what to do, and that’s okay. However, dumb relationship drama just had to make its way into the mix which was not helpful. Some of my friends have shown me that they really are there for me, not just when they have time for me. Some have shown to be great blessings and I honestly don’t know if I’d be here without them. They pushed me to go to group therapy and start antidepressants which has thankfully been relatively seamless in comparison to the stories I’ve heard. As for some other friends, it seems like they almost forgot about me for 10 weeks but I still know they are there and care. I just hope that phase will pass and that this last semester will secure some friendships as I graduate.

I will even dare to say that this past fall was my hardest semester. Sometimes there were late nights, productive days, and days where I did nothing except sit in my room and watch One Day at a Time, Avatar the Last Airbender and Legend of Korra, Game of Thrones, The Good Place, or gymnastics. My grades did indeed suffer because of that, but I decided I need to be patient with myself even though I still don’t know the line that separates being lazy and self-care. But somehow I’m alive now, depressed, still functional, and not suicidal. I survived the semester and 2018 so that’s all that matters.

If I’m being honest though, the numbers 2-0-1-9 standing right next to each other is extremely intimidating. I really want to graduate with a job not only so I don’t have to go live at ‘home’, but also so I can pay off my debt and eventually go to grad school. I honestly don’t have a plan past graduation and that scares me. If I don’t get a job, I’ll be put into a similar situation as last spring except with higher stakes (aka debt to pay off), and I would really prefer it to not end like that. I’m trying to tell myself I have options, but those can just as easily fall through as this semester.

The main point is I’m still working on healing. This process began in 2017 and I have a long way to go. But I need to try because I have people in my life who are worth living for. I am beyond thankful for the friends I have and I truly do love them. I hope this year I can continue to leave behind the people who are toxic, be thankful for the wholesome small moments and the things I have, relieve some of my social anxiety, be patient with my depression, and eat better so my IBD (not IBS!!!) doesn’t cause me as much trouble lol. For the first time in awhile this January 1st actually feels like a new year...and I’ve never been this unready to be alive. But I gotta try to remember to hold onto everything that’s good. I have these two photos on my mini fridge: a picture of my friend and her husband, and a Christmas card with my other two great friends on it. In a way they are kind of like my home. They have a very special place in my heart—they are the glue that holds it together and the muscle that keeps on pumping. I am so lucky to know them and even luckier to have them by my side. They remain some of the most important reasons why I am alive.

[blondeyoonie]

in denial - the story of how monsta x became my third bias group

as you may or may not know, after bts became my second bias group i told myself that, that was it. no more groups. no more bias groups because frankly my wallet wouldn't be able to take it. at the time i was cool with it, i was madly in love with infinite and bts and that was all i needed. and all was well until around june 2016. firstly, back track a few years, it's the end of 2014 and starship has announced their new survival show to form their new boy band. survival shows were just taking off back then but i wasn't interested. wasn't my thing and still isn't. so obviously i didn't watch it but i saw the news about it. point is, i've been lowkey keeping up with monsta x since pre-debut. next, it's 2015 and monsta x have debuted with trespass. i was actually pretty keen for it. a new boy group debut is always exciting i guess. anyways i watched trespass when it came out and i thought it was cool but nothing extraordinary to get me hooked. from there i just checked out their comeback when they had one. with rush, i can still remember clearly when and where i watched that mv. just one of those random moments you remember for some odd reason. it was in the middle of the day, like noon or something because the sun was high up in the sky. i think it was summer, and i was walking in my university campus with phone in one hand. that phone was playing the rush mv and i was watching it while walking and the glare was really bad so i probably missed most of the mv. either way i wasn't really feeling it. i thought it was weird tbh lol. then it was hero promotions and i didn't follow it but my friend showed me the rooftop ver of hero and i was like ooh. shirt lifts and everything yknow. that and hero is a lit song. thinking back i feel like i could've gotten into monsta x through hero, but i didn't. oh well. it was mid 2016 and one day i stumbled upon a mashup of i need u and monsta x's latest release, all in. i knew monsta x had another comeback but i hadn't gotten round to checking it out yet. so i listened to the mashup and i thought it was really cool. i mean i love i need u to bits and i'd never heard all in before but it was good. a little while after that i went to watch the all in mv and from memory it was not bad? i don't know it didn't leave a big impression. then later on, one day, right before my mid semester break, i was suddenly like, i want to watch monsta x stuff. i have literally no idea why or how i got into that mood but i did. and that's where it all went haywire. i started with some of their all in stages and i was like, yep nice pretty cool. but i was unsatisfied because i wanted to know more about them, so the logical solution was variety/reality shows. cue weekly idol. after going through their weekly idols, i decided i wanted to go back and watch no mercy. i figured since it was already done and i knew who the final members are it wouldn't be too bad and plus i just wanted to see more of monsta x. bad idea. first, i didn't sleep and binge watched all 10 episodes. second, it was bad. i mean, i still managed to get myself attached to some of the trainees that were eliminated and my heart was breaking. the exact reason why i don't do survival shows. i can't take the heartbreak. but anyways, after no mercy was done i dutifully went on the binge all their other shows. deokspatch, right now, asc, some chinese show, etc etc. when that was done it was back to all their previous comeback stages and performances. mind you this sounds like a lot but this all happened within a few weeks. next thing was their promotions for stuck and i was staying up late for teasers, watching their stages religiously and all that jazz. and we now come to the reason why this post/rant is called 'in denial'. at this point, it would seem from my behaviour that i was well and truly biasing monsta x. it was about time i announced myself as a monbebe. but i didn't. remember how i said i told myself no more bias groups? yeah. i wanted to hold onto that. i really had put my foot down when i told myself that. i had promised myself no more bias groups. and that's why i denied the fact that i was a monbebe. it was more like i just refused to call myself anything other than a 'big fan' of monsta x. you might think it's trivial, whether i call myself a monbebe or not. but for me, if i decide to enter the fandom and call myself, in this case, a monbebe, then it basically equates to collecting all their albums/merch. of course that's not the only thing that comes with being in the fandom but that's how i define whether a group is my bias group or not. basically it all boils down to the fact that i could not afford (quite literally) another bias band so i stayed in denial about my monbebe status. it was probably really obvious to my friends that i was indeed a monbebe but i just couldn't admit it, couldn't label myself as so. that issue aside, i stil threw myself completely into monsta x. i followed their fansites, i followed their news, i retweeted all their tweets, i stayed up for their comebacks. i did everything for them like i would for infinite or bts. then come 2017 and i finally start cracking. it was early in the year when i stupidly watched an unboxing video of their the clan pt.1 album. i figured since i wasn't going to get it anyway, might as well watch an unboxing. BIG MISTAKE. after watching it, i desperately wanted to buy it. both versions at that. and alas, i did buy it, both versions and they just so happened to be signed albums too. i never buy signed albums. another sign that i was sinking deep. after that purchase i was like, okay no more, just a one off thing. i should've known better. but who would've known that beautiful would hit me so hard. i loved beautiful. i loved everything about it. all the songs, the photoshoot, the choreography. my monsta x feels were peaking when they had their beautiful comeback. and so i bought one, the blue one, which came with a shownu photocard, shownu poster and black group poster. actually i just really, really wanted that shownu poster. man i still haven't even touched on my bias situation lol. okay moving on quickly, to the turning point, i.e. when i finally accept my fate and stop denying the fact that i am actually a monbebe and have been for the past year. it was kcon and monsta x were part of the line up. i was freaking ecstatic because i would be able to see them in real life for the first time ever (and hopefully not the last time). so i went to kcon for them and they were headlining the second night. they were the last act and i was so, so excited. i have never, ever, been so excited for a concert/performance and i had never screamed so much like i did for monsta x at kcon (specifically for shownu oh gosh). i had a sore throat for days afterwards and looking back i'm still so shocked at how high i managed to scream for monsta x wow. so after kcon, it was pretty damn obvious i was a major monbebe, especially after i screamed like my life depended on it when kihyun called for monbebes during the concert. i finally could not lie to myself and say i was 'just a fan'. and so now monsta x is officially my third bias band. i still need to talk about my monsta x bias but i think i'll make another post about it. kudos if you're still here at the end of my long rant 😂

[savannahisonfire]

Why I’m leaving Maine

I should probably be packing instead of writing, but honestly, any form of escapism is welcome at this point.

If you know me at all, you know that sometimes I have unrealistic expectations for myself. The nights of sleep my mother has lost due to my decision-making abilities has certainly reached an unparalleled number by now. Who is to blame her? I’ve moved four times in the last six years, and next month, it’ll be five. 

I moved to Maine doe-eyed and expectant of a new adventure. Nearly 16 months later, I’m running back to Pittsburgh with my tail between my legs and picking up the pieces of what I thought would be the “right situation.” 

Since I was young, I’ve had this perceived notion that Maine is this magical, fairy-filled land where one can throw all their problems in the ocean and nothing ever bad happens. Okay, not really, but coming from a small town in the Midwest, Maine definitely seemed pretty idyllic. I had a job and an apartment waiting for me, so I headed out on a new adventure.

I sold (almost) everything I had and moved with the few things in my car, without knowing a soul, into the first of three living situations. My first roommate for the most part was wonderful, but it became apparent that she was racist and our morals definitely didn’t match up. During the first few months of being here, I experienced a pretty traumatic event. The details aren’t important, but at that time, I wanted to high-tail it out of here and never look back. I decided to stick it out because I thought things were going to be better.

Then school started. I remember calling my mom after the first day of orientation a complete and utter mess. I felt so out of place. I was older than almost all of my peers. I felt overlooked in a small class of 100, and between work and school, was pulling 60 and sometimes 70 hour weeks. Alas, I persevered and finished the semester. I walked into that school naively and thought the the finances were all squared away, but realized that they weren’t and had to make a decision: stay at a school I was miserable at and couldn’t afford, or transfer to the local community college. I chose the latter.

I moved out after finding out I could no longer afford the rent. And I moved into a room in an apartment that was actually a sunroom with no heat and one outlet. The rent was cheap, but the quality of life there was not sustainable. I survived the winter there, but barely. I moved for the third time in less than a year as soon as I could afford to. 

The next situation also seemed better than living in a sunroom, so I took it. I moved into an apartment in the west end of Portland with three other people, onto a lease that I did not sign. The first couple of months were fine, minus some small annoyances, like all my conditioner being used, loud music at 1 am, and roommates leaving dishes left in the sink for literally a week at a time. But I could deal, because it was cheap (enough), a good location, and I had a good amount of space. My schedule was busy, so it wasn’t like I was home very often anyway. 

Then a few months in, I reconnected with a friend who had an extra ticket to see Tim and Eric. I probably would have sold my left arm to see that show, so I jumped at the prospect of going with him. He and I had been casually seeing each other the summer before, but remained friends after an inevitable end. He took me to dinner and we had a lovely night. We parted ways, and he seemed totally fine. There didn’t seem to be any red flags about his mental health, but I also hadn’t seen him in over a year. The day after the show I got a call that he had completed the act of suicide. I was the last person to see him alive. 

That day I wanted to pack up all my belongings and leave. I needed away from my world that seemed to be slowly shattering piece by piece. Then I found out that all three of my current roommates had broken the lease. They were moving in and out at their own volition, without going through the proper legal steps to vacate the apartment. I was faced with an ultimatum when I called the management company. I had 48 hours to either to come up with $4000 for a new lease or I would have to leave by the end of the month. Since I technically wasn’t on the lease, and had faithfully paid each month, they would let entertain the idea of maybe letting me stay, but I would need to find completely new tenants or dish up the money I didn’t have. 

I felt done after that phone call to my landlord. I called my mom, once again a hysterical mess, as I faced possible eviction. We started to hatch a plan to find a new place, but eventually, the words “I think you’re done with Portland,” came from my mother’s end of the phone and a flood of relief filled me. 

I hesitantly called my boss and told her my situation. She agreed with my mom. She told me not to worry, that everything would be fine, and I could stay with them until they could fine a replacement for me. Her graciousness and tender way of handling my messes with me are what kept me here this long, and now, she was giving me her blessing to leave. So I’m taking it. 

I feel like I’ve aged five years since last May. Moving is said to be one of the most stressful events an adult can go through, and I’m about to do it for the fourth time in 15 months. Pittsburgh is welcoming me back with open arms, but I can’t help the feeling that all of this could have been avoided if I would have just stayed there in the first place. 

I can’t say that Portland has been all bad. I cared for two very special, and loving boys and was able to invest into their lives. I met some pretty amazing people and fostered friendships I know will last a lifetime. I had a relationship that taught me so much about life and love that ended on healthy terms. I overcame challenges that I thought I wasn’t strong enough to face. But most importantly, I figured out what I want and don’t want out of life. 

I’m leaving Portland is a hurry, which was definitely not the plan, but it’s where I’m at. I can’t take back the decisions that I’ve made, or have been made for me, so I’m working with what I got. 

If you’re in Portland, I’d love to say goodbye to you, and if you are in Pittsburgh, I’d love to grab a coffee. Right now, I’m realizing that what I need is community and familiarity. Pittsburgh has always been a place I’ve felt grounded in, so in two weeks or so, I’ll be on my way home.