#akjdjdhga

[hollowscreekmuses]

"Yeah,"Avery nods, he bit unsure about the that one chick comment, but he figure Jesse probably has seen the girl around and that's what he means but it, "She's pretty cool..."he adds, thought, he knows its just chit-chat and they are both just trying to ignore the elephant in the room, once more. Avery tilts his head as he watches the other, not saying anything more, he didn't think Jesse had forgotten about him, sure, the man left in a hurry without a goodbye, but they had a connection, Avery haven't forgot about it, he was sure Jesse haven't either. It was just a figure of speach. "I don't know!!" he yells back, and he whises this was a conversation, not a screaming match, but here they are, "That you are my friend? and you don't want to see that happening? that would be good!" he huffs out , he knows Jesse meant something by it but it still stung to hear him say those words, "I was telling you what could happen!" he shakes his head, everything is confusing and emotinal and Avery wishes the stupid wolf was not messing with his emotions like this, because, damn! "Come on, now!" Avery actually chuckles at that, in the middle of the upset and tears, he's now actually chuckling, "I'm supposed to be the--raging rocker against society, Man, not you," he half jokes, shaking his head, "I don't know if that's what I want," he notices Jesse coming closer and to be honest, he does need that comfort, but he's not gonna ask for it, because he knows, one hug, he's gonna break down...again, "But I want to be able to choose, I want to--live. I haven't even--" he pauses, rubbing his face, to get rid of the tears, "This gonna sound so fucking cheesy to you, but , I don't know, I haven't even--I don't think I've had, anyway, fall in love, maybe I want that, maybe I want a family, I don't know! I want to be able to choose, though!"of course he has no clue at this point his coment hurt Jesse too, he was just meaning the people he left behind at home the ones that won't know what truly happened, because Jesse was here now, so he was considering (hoping) he'd be a part of his life once again. He's a bit taking back by that scream, it felt--angrier than before, Avery feels the wolf, creeping, getting upset doesn't help. "NEITHER DO I! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" he screams back in frustation, a growl escaping the wolf's lips, not in a person is annoyed kinda way, an actual animal sounding one, the man was growling, Avery takes a hand to his head, pulling his long hair back, he lets his hand rest on the top of his head, "Fuck!" he huffs, "Sorry. upset, the wolf..." he shakes his head, "Look, we're both trying to figure this out okay? and no offence, I know you mean well, but I'm the one that has to live with this! and I kow it affects you too but--let's just, take it easy, please," he pretty much pleads again, because he doesn't want to lose it, not at Jesse. "Okay," he knows how it sounds, but he belives Jesse, despite everything he is his friend, he doesn't really think he wants to see him gone, "Let's just not? okay? lets just not, because I can't--Wolf's getting restless, you're yelling, it makes it restless, so just stop. just fucking stop, before--I can't lose it, I can't!" was he freaking out? yes. Yes a little. was that helping the wolf? not one bit.

Avery nods, he's glad Jesse gets it, that's good because its just so hard to explain, "It's not the same, man, you know how much I love that old man," he's still so full of guilt, those blue eyes, staring back at his with a look of confusion on his face... "Now you're starting to sound like him! after everthing you know what he did? he come up with fucking excuses! he's been there, he got in the middle of my fight, should had knowned better, but he's wrong! I should never, ever, had layed hands on him, ever!" and again he feels his eyes getting watery, shit, "The thing you guys are forgetting is that the era of Axel Moore is over, he's old, man! I fucking punshed an old man!" it if wasn't so painfully, it was actuallu funny, out of everyone, he goes pick up a fight with an elder. It's not like you stop being his son it hits him, not in bad way and now he's fully sobbing, "I wish I had. I know, he'd probably just hug me and say its okay, but it's not, it's not okay, Jesse, none of this is-O-fucking-Kay!" He keeps nervously running a hand trough his long hair, though he stops suddenly, Avery stares at the other, "Oh but I am serious!" he moves, faster than a human can, Jesse needs to listen, he needs to know he's dead serious about this, he stops right in frond of the other, the wolf grabs a hold of his old friend's shirt, he pulls him down, he just wanted to get on eye level, there was no agression here, "Listen to me" Ave says, the same ice-cold look one his blue eyes, "I'm dead fucking serious," his hand tights around the fabric of Jesse's shirt, meeting his eyes he goes on, "I'm promising to try, the key word her is try, I'm doing my best, but it takes a while, in the mean time I'm nothing but a fucking time bomb, if, if I ever come at you, before I can get my control in order, you're gonna shot me, I don't care. Just, defent yourself, I can't--I could never..." tears roll down his cheeks, "I could never live with myself knowing I've truned you into this or even wrose! promise me!" he asks, now both hands are tight against Jesse's shirt, a clear plea of desperation coming from the newly turned wolf.

"Willow?" Jesse repeated her name, brushing a hand through his curls, still clearly agitated as he took a couple of steps this way, then that, then paused again. He thought of the burger place Avery probably referred to. "Uh, I mean, not personally," he denied, shaking his head. "But it's probably that one chick." It was such a vague reference that he could literally be referring to anyone, but his mind's eye brought up a dark-haired girl with freckles and a round face. Honestly, absolutely a stunning piece of work he'd thought on more than one occasion, but that's where it all stopped. Jesse didn't blame Avery for taking a walk with her. "Yeah, I remember," he muttered, standing up straighter some as he considered Avery. They hadn't really seen each other in years- their last real hangout, well.. It may have been years, but it wasn't like Jesse just forgot who Avery was and what he'd been interested in and the path in life he'd always planned to go down. At one point in their miserable lives, they'd actually been best friends. Avery was the only other person Jesse could have gone to back then, if not his sister. But clearly, the other man thought he either didn't recall or didn't care, because he spoke of it all as if he needed to share these details of himself like Jesse didn't already know Avery was more interested in the composing side of things. Shit- once upon a time, he'd even been giving Jesse tips on how to play and that all came to an end once Jesse had randomly split one day.

"What the fuck do you expect me to say, man?!" he yelled back, arms spread wide in a helpless fashion. "You were the one who brought it up!" Jesse swallowed around the lump in his throat, unable to look away from the other man that seemed to just break down right in front of him. Full on tears and anguish and upset- all of it. He couldn't recall ever seeing Avery this way, this openly broken and lost. The instinct was there, to do more than what he was doing. He'd even taken a reactionary step forward, as if he meant to go to the musician and-- what? Comfort him somehow? It wasn't easy to hear that his friend, his best friend, actually had thoughts of that kind of thing because he couldn't see any other way. "All that is bullshit anyway," Jesse finally got out, though his voice felt weaker than before. "That's a corporate check list of what society claims will fulfill your life and it all means shit all- it's subjective, alright? Life is just life, you'll just make yourself miserable comparing yours to others, trust me." He spoke from personal experience there. But this wasn't the important stuff, he knew it wasn't- it gave him a moment's distraction away from the other heavy stuff that clearly had to be addressed and Jesse didn't feel like he was the best person to do anything about it. Who the fuck was he? How was he supposed to help Avery? But then Avery only mentioned how he would leave his dads, and his uncle, behind. Uh????!?! UH!?!?! See, this was why Jesse knew, ultimately, he could only count on himself. The man could be standing right in front of fucking someone and they didn't even THINK to include him as someone who might care or be affected if Avery left the world. It was as good as a bucket of ice being dumped on him.

Though, should he be surprised? He'd probably caused that himself by leaving. Jesse knew he didn't have a leg to stand on to be upset over some small slip like that, but that didn't mean he wasn't. "In case you haven't figured it out, I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS ALL FUCKIN' WORKS EITHER!" he shouted suddenly, far more aggressively than probably warranted from the situation and it was born from the hurt Avery had unintentionally caused. That instinct to try and comfort Avery had gone and he kept his distance. "No, I don't want you gone," he stated flatly then, though the words certainly lacked any feelings behind it. One could almost say he was saying it to be nice, the way it came out. But that was only because Jesse had closed himself off already- the truth was, he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. He didn't want Avery gone. He didn't want to even think of it. He'd just been talking out of his ass before, trying to see where Avery's headspace was.

"Yeah, I get it," Jesse sighed, as Avery struggled to explain. Now that it was all out and said, he knew exactly what his friend described and how hopeless it all felt. In different ways, sure. "Shit, you know how many times I wish I would have slugged my old man?" he asked suddenly, the question bringing some levity to the moment. "He would have deserved it." Damn right he would have. "Axel can take a punch," Jesse continued, with an eye-roll. He knew Avery was torn up about it because it was his father, he loved his dad- probably never thought he could get to a point where he'd harm the man. Jesse couldn't relate to that, he'd certainly come to that plenty of times in his life but had never gotten the guts to act on it. "It's not like you'll just stop being his son," he reminded the other. While he could see Avery's stress over this, he also could see it was utterly pointless. Nothing but guilt eating away at the guy when in reality, he would absolutely bet everything he had that Axel had forgiven his son the second it happened. Avery would find that out some day, even if it wasn't something he could confront right now. "A gun?" Jesse's brows furrowed, head jerking in Avery's direction, clearly confused as to why that was being brought up. "Jesus- you're- are you fucking telling me to kill you?" he was astounded. "Ave- have you lost your fuckin' mind? You can't tell me you'll figure it all out and then advise me to get a gun. How's that supposed to make me trust you'll figure anything out? Christ!" No, none of this was a joke. Avery was honestly starting to freak him out.