#ahhh tumblr does not like me trying to type anything tonight but i WILL persevere

[septembersghost]

(1) the gen z/elvis ask was beautiful, and you can post this if you want so they can read it. i've been crying over him today because i'm so tender-hearted about how little his pain was recognized during his lifetime and still today. it isn't fair that he can be treated as a joke with how much of himself he gave to everyone, how hard he tried to find a way to be kind and considerate and entertaining to people who did not understand him. he loved people so much even when he could not get what he

needed from them, when he remained uncertain of why they were with him, whether they truly "got" him or if this lonely part of him would always be there, or if he was doing enough for them. and that is so inspirational to me BECAUSE of how very human it is. his impact on my life is so much stronger because i can see how complex and real and imperfect and fierce and loving he was, all at once. it inspires me to love myself and to love others better, and to not hold back because i'm waiting for everything to line up just right, or to be certain of the outcome, or to imagine that any of us can afford to reject each other because we fall short all the time. he would be so taken aback to know that the parts of himself he was afraid to share - his addictions, his depression, his fears, his ill-considered mistakes - made me love him more, made me understand my faith more, made me feel so, so moved and encouraged by him because he got down in the dirt with people and did not ask perfection from THEM before he gave them his love and time. so i am not going to expect perfection from anyone before i love them, starting with him and starting with me. :')

thank you darling ;____; and thank you so much for sending this. 💙💙💙

i haven't talked about this a lot, but i feel a certain connection to him regarding health stuff and the depression, and the way people can hold that against you in a certain way, and either tally it as some sort of failing or turn it into infantalization (there's probably a better word for that), instead of still seeing the person you are in your soul despite difficulties with your physical condition. your mentioning that he'd be taken aback if he knew that those things he was scared to share made you love him all the more reminds me of that, because i feel the same way. and it aches to think of that fear that people would view him as less because of it, yet i understand why that existed. we all struggle with that, the worry of being...never enough. not giving enough, not loving enough, not being enough. he had that expansive sense of love and that profound humanity and that transcendent spirit, and sometimes i think that's simply a lot to carry. when you have no choice and don't know a way of living except to give that, but hurt and loneliness is unavoidable too. the fact that he's been so often reduced to something else altogether (riley saying portrayals of him have been "silly." the idea of making someone into a parody? god.), it just pangs my heart because of all that he actually was.

i've been crying over him today because i'm so tender-hearted about how little his pain was recognized during his lifetime and still today. *hugs you tight* i get this completely. it's hard to understand that lack of recognition once you have fallen in love with him like we have, not only because it's distinctly unfair, but also because once you SEE and empathize with that, it feels impossible to ignore? it IS so tender, and i don't say that it has a spiritual element lightly either. it makes my breath catch a little because it hits me in such a direct and resonant place. it's not necessarily news to you that i gravitate towards people exploring love and exercising kindness, but the way he expressed that is distinct and powerful. exactly as you said, he didn't ask for perfection or hesitate to meet people where they needed him, that love and kindness was simply existent within him.

so i am not going to expect perfection from anyone before i love them, starting with him and starting with me. 😭🥺 i'm going to take the liberty of saying this would make him really happy. i know it would. it's difficult for me because i'm miss mirrorball world class hard-on-herself, only other people deserve love and understanding! yes i recognize that's irrational!, so reading this is honestly inspiring, and maybe he'd want me to do better with that too and i can keep trying. i just believe he'd welcome us in with such open arms.

everything you wrote here is so beautiful and so heartfelt, i'm very grateful you shared it and the love you have for him (and the film!), it made a difference to me before you even knew it did. it's a blessing in my life. i love him and i love you.