#ahhh the glories of a thesaurus

[misc-obeyme]

I was looking for another word for 'moan' and I imagine a scene after the whole newt syrup shenanigans where mc walks into hol and goes "huh" Satan:"what is it?" mc: "guess now that I'm here again there's another reason for the name lamentation" Satan:*blushes deeply cuz he understands immediately" mc is suppressing a laugh Mammon:"I don't get it" Belphie: what... oh *blushes too* Beel:??? Levi:"mc you need to chill" *can't stop blushing either and runs to his room" mc bursts out laughing, Satan pats mc on the head: "I've unleashed a beast" Hope it gave you a good chuckle or smth

LOL anon please I love that Mammon doesn't get it. I'm just imagining MC having to explain it to him later. Or maybe Satan does, that'd be pretty funny, too.

Now I kinda wanna use that word in place of moan. I do feel like it has a more depressing connotation to it, though lol. Like everybody is sad that MC has arrived... but really it's more like everybody is going to be crying because MC has arrived. You know, because MC makes them feel so good they can't help but cry about it.

I quite like whimper and whine myself. They make everyone sound so much more needy than moan.

Groan is funny because if used in certain ways it sounds like the person is in pain lol.

Anyway, I love Satan just being like, yes this is my fault and I accept it fully. Meanwhile Levi is just like nope absolutely not. Doesn't come out of his room for hours. Maybe days.

Belphie will tell Beel later.

Good thing Lucifer wasn't around for this, I think he'd be giving everybody a lecture about it lol.

[mar-ginalia]

Kushiel’s Dart, Kushiel’s Chosen and Kushiel’s Avatar by Jacqueline Carey. Ooof, that was a lot of pages. Spoilers ahoy for all three books in Phèdre’s trilogy.

It’s a damn shame I disregarded these books for such a long time, thinking they’re some kind of kitschy erotica with “rippling abs” and the like. Yup, there’s a lot of sex in it, some of it kinky, some of it downright disturbing. At its core, though, it’s an intricate, character-driven political fantasy with coherent worldbuilding, compelling characters, and a ton of feels.

The court drama/political intrigue/game of thrones was amazing! Carey clearly had a long game in mind, setting up players, grudges, and interests early on, often in a subtle, non-obvious was. Sure, sometimes I was a bit overwhelmed with the abundance of names thrown my way, having to check the dramatis personae often in the beginning, but my effort paid off in the end. Uncovering the layers of the story was really satisfying.

Oh, Phèdre, it took a while to like you, but once it clicked between us, I became your champion (at least when I was not siding with Joscelin and his common sense). I guess it was Carey’s intent to make the readers uncomfortable with her life choices and sexual preferences. But there’s so much more to Phèdre than what she does in the bedroom. She’s smart, empathetic and fiercely loyal. I also appreciated that the author never forced her to become a warrior. Her skills lie elsewhere and she knows her limitations. She proves time and time again that “That which yields is not always weak”.

As for the uncomfortable part… this book really challenged me. I consider myself an open-minded, sex-positive person, but reading about some of Phèdre’s assignments made me really, REALLY queasy. I tried to analyze these feelings afterwards and I figured the worst part for me was not the violence itself, but the humiliation Phèdre experienced – and welcomed. It was hard to read how her body betrayed her, reacting with arousement to things she considered degrading.

A BDSM courtesan spy and a celibate warrior priest? Ahhh, I knew I was going to love this pairing before they did, lol. The angst, the drama, the love, the fierce loyalty, the contradicting needs... Their story developed beautifully it all its dramatic, impossible glory across the three books.

Phèdre and Joscelin’s arc is a reminder that we can’t really change the core of who we are and what we like. Repressing one’s needs and renouncing one’s identity – for a partner or for society’s acceptance – will always end badly. As weird as it sounds, this over-the top, whimsical fantasy series shows pretty well what can happen in a relationship between two people with drastically different desires and identities.

Joscelin, my bby. He started out as a cliché paladin – haughty, judgmental and slut-shamey, with a giant stick up his bottom. It’s amazing what captivity among the Skaldi can do to a person, though. To me, a paladin-like character becomes interesting once he errs. And boy, did Joscelin err. One by one, he broke his oaths, except for the one that mattered the most – to protect and serve.

And protect and serve he did. Although he becomes the second most important character, he’s always one step behind  Phèdre – she leads and he follows. I loved their dynamic. They both knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and worked together well even when there was resentment between them.

Some people complain about the flowery, detail-oriented prose. I liked it once I got the hang of it. It reads like a memoir or a spoken account by Phèdre, years after the events in question. Sure, there are annoying  repetitions (“FOR I AM D’ANGELINE!”!!! Yes, Phèdre, you only mentioned it a million times already) and it’s clear the author spent some quality time with a thesaurus, but to me the language matches the over-the-topness of Terre d’Ange and the story itself.

The part I liked the least was the second half of book 3. I liked Hyacinthe well enough in book 1, when he actually appeared on page. Had he appeared in more than Phèdre’s memories later on, I would have cared more about the quest to save him. Freeing him after his prolonged absence from the story didn’t pack an emotional punch for me. And don’t even get me started on Phèdre’s willingness to choose him near the end. At this point I guess you have to be heartless not to weep over Phèdre and Joscelin’s impossible, harrowing journey (esp. their ordeal in Dursanga…). Seriously, am I supposed to believe that she would ditch him for her childhood friend after everything they went through – and everything the readers experienced alongside them, as opposed to Hyacinthe’s off-screen plight? Weird, especially in a book that seems so aware of people’s feelings and motivations.

Queen Ysandre was meh. I guess at this point in my life I just can’t enjoy court drama as much as I used to because I can’t see monarchy in a positive light anymore (too much class consciousness, lol). A “wise, just monarch” is a) a boring character; b) an impossible one. There simply can’t be justice in such a stratified society. I rolled my eyes hard when Ysandre presented Phèdre with the Companion’s Star, allowing her to “address her as equal in public”. These are empty, meaningless words. The power gap between them is unbridgeable. Ysandre may even imagine they are actual friends but it’s just impossible. Phèdre constantly worrying “what will Ysandre think” and “how will she react” sometimes made me more uncomfortable than the humiliation she endured at the hands of her patrons and captors, and that’s saying something.

There’s a lot more enjoyable things in these books (religion and the way it’s always present in the characters’ actions – after all, both Phèdre and Joscelin are deeply spiritual people in their own way; the richness of the world-building; secondary characters; and many, many more). If I were to list them all, this post would never end.

Sure, there were things I rolled my eyes at or actively disliked, plenty of “pRoBlEmAtIc” content (the purity police would have a collective stroke reading the series) etc. but I’m too old to focus on that. My favorite criterion these days when rating various media is “how much bad stuff am I willing to disregard” and it works like a charm. These books stayed with me for a long time after I was done. They gave me a ton of feels and things to ponder regarding sexuality, consent, social constructs, relationships and what is considered “the norm”. I didn’t expect the latter, but I’m grateful for it.

There’s two more trilogies in this world but I’m saving them for another time. This post is my personal closure for now. Love as thou wilt and peace out!