#ahem. anyway. trying to embrace the cringe

[cha1cedony]

So excited to share with you all my completely fabricated lore about the Oak-Garcias’ coworkers. Gina, Greg, Jane, and Kirk (from Cummingtonite) my beloveds ❤️ Also the three doctors from that one rap battle about different types of rock. I have entire personalities for them. I just really love OC-ifying characters who are barely canon. Like the miscellaneous soccer players in Silver Linings :) Jeff.. my favorite lil guy…

[anos-sensei]

Imagine hc last pt.

Mammon snaps.

Parts: one two three four

Love and comments are appreciated!

(I didnt proofread this and im embarassed at how many typos i made 😭plz ignore the remaining ones and try to enjoy!)

After Solomon repaired the HoL and diavolo excused himself to go take care of Lucifer, the 4 younger brothers stayed in the living room, staring at Levi and mammon passed out on the ground.

"Aren't you guys going to help your brothers?" Solomon asks, eying the angels that were scraping off the gold and blood of the walls.

Even though he could do repairs he couldn't clean with magic, call it whatever you want he sucked at cleaning magic.

Beel suddenly woke up from his stupor at solomon's voice, quickly rushing to his brother's sides and delicately removing them out of each other's embrace, ignoring the burn on his own skin.

"Satan, go get some ice for levi's burns and ..." Asmo stills... "Im not sure what mammon needs... His temperature isn't going down.." Satan nods, rushing to the kitchen, "i think its best if we put mammon's body in cool water.. " solomon proposes while helping asmo up.

beel moves leviathan to the living room and mammon to the bathroom.

"I dont understand why they never talked about this..." Asmodeus whipsers, preparing mammon's bath, putting in calming essential oils.

"I think they didnt want to worry us." Belphegor answers distractedly, scratching at the gold that got on his hand when he touched mammon.

satan joins them shortly after, sitting down on the floor and assuring them of leviathan's state.

Silence engulfed the bathroom for a moment, the only sound being the cold water running.

Asmo sighs, his curiosity killing him.

"Apparently, lucifer levi and mammon, all three of them were cursed with this, how come none of us have it...?"

"Mammon made that decision." They suddenly hear from the doorway. Simeon was standing there, looking at mammon with saddened eyes.

"Right After the war, the three of them were summoned by father, and father threatened to punish all of them with sin's blood for hurting his precious underlings. Some of the injured angels that got either critically hit or killed were there too, along with me, michael raphael and gabriel." Simeon scratches his neck looking away, "mammon shot into a fit of rage, screaming at father and categorically refused that any of his brothers suffer from what he did, or any of his brothers, claiming that it was rightful for them to protect their own lives and family. Even if that meant getting dumped in hell." Simeon sighs and watches as beel gently places mammon in the bath, eyes teary. The water around mammon started sizzling for a moment before it went quiet again.

"What happened next?"

Simeon looks away again, an uncomfortable shiever running up his spine. "Erm, well... How do i say this.. Mammon got bold and told father to combine the curses of the youngest with his, giving him the totality of you guy's curses along with his. And i remember... mammon's jewels..." Simeon cringes at the memories and clears his throat, "Ahem anyway, his skin started glowing and father said that if he's so greedy even when it comes to curses, he might as well burn in greed. Levi and lucifer didn't say anything and took their own curses too and they all jumped down. and if im not wrong raphael and gabriel were sent down to soften the impact of their fall a few notches. Michael did get punished for that." Simeon tries explaining casually but the clench in his jaw and the grip on his arm didn't lie.

The sight of mammon's jewelery melting into his skin, while he kept a straight face, not a single twitch in his posture or face showing he was in pain, daring his father to harm his other siblings was something simeon would never forget. even he, was fooled enough to think it genuinly didnt hurt, it was only later when gabriel came back, his arms covered in burns that he understood that mammon was, in fact in pain.

Pursing his lips simeon walks over to beel who was now a crying mess, sitting besides the bathtub, chin resting on top of mammon's head.

"I never knew mammon did that for us.. " asmo sniffles and leans into belphegor who was in a daze sitting on the closed toilet lid. Images of their fall replaying on and on, things he adesperately tried to forget drowning them behind all sorts of things, wheter it be violence or sleep..

To belphegor the worst moment of his own fall was without a doubt watching leviathan suffer alone, the pain his twin, beel was in and his own pain were completely drowned out by leviathan himself, making sure neither himself nor beel nor asmo had to go through the full extent of it.

He had felt guilty about it for years, centuries even. Nightmares of levi not making it, or mammon not comming back, or even lucifer abandonning them.

Unconsciously tears had started streaming down his face, his arms wrapping around asmo who was already caressing belphie's hair.

"Im so sorry... " he whispers and no one asks for what, they dont need to, they are all shaken to the core..

" i do understand why mammon did what he did, he's a lot older than all of you and wouldn't bear to see you guys getting hurt, no matter the reason." Simeon says quietly.

"He didnt have to bear this on his own... We would have... We would have beared with our own curses.. Or... " beel's word die in his throat when he looks back at mammon's body... He didn't see it at first but his white markings were glowing a soft yellowish, it was.... As if the gold in his body gathered in those markings..

"I think only levi's spell can really help mammon.." simeon whispers, "i'll go get some ice."He says

The water around his body had started to warm up steadily, streams of steam were starting to appear around the bathroom.

Solomon was at levi's side, tending the demon's burns quietly. Leviathan's demon form was always a sight to behold from afar, but getting to see it up close like this was a true blessing. Solomon didn't see the fall with his own eyes but he did hear some stories about it.

The grand admiral of hells navy, the most ruthless and cruel having ever existed, sailing the seas and skies, taking down enemy after enemy. Winning war after war with impeccable strategies and a complete absence of fear or hesitance. That same admiral was now lying in front of solomon, unconscious, an adorable pout on pink delicate looking lips, thin trails of gold were drying on his clothes and arms from taking mammon in his embrace. He looked more like a doll than a demon actually, if it wasnt for the horns glowing a faint orange and his tail ocasionally twitching solomon would have believed levi, currently lying in front of him was indeed a delicate looking doll... And not a several millenia old powerful demon.

The seven rulers lf hell will always be full of surprises.

Solomon sighs to himself, softly murmuring some healing spells, watching the wounds close on levi's body.

After a thick half hour sitting in silence with the occasional noise of running water levi stirred, his eyes blinking open softly, light orange eyes met grey ones. After a second or so, a heavy blush raised to leviathan's cheeks, quickly scrambling off the couch excusing himself in embarrassment.

"I fainted because I...i- IM NOT used to pain LIKE THIS okay!" He screeches and stumbles away quickly, instinctively going to the batroom where he found everyone huddled togheter.

"What are you guys doing?" He asks confused seing beel pouting with redrimmed eyes. both asmo and belphie were asleep in beel's lap who himself was sitting next to the bathtub holding onto mammon. Luke was seated on the sink, the sink itself filled with golden particles. and simeon on the other side of the bathtub, keeping the water temperature in check.

At the sound of his voice the angels and beel look up, beel tearing up once more.

"Whats wrong beel?" Levi says softly getting closer, stoping when beel shakes his head eyes averting with... Guilt?

"What's wrong?" He asks again sighing when he doesnt get an answer, a hunch of what happened forming in his head.

"Ill be taking mammon to my room." Leviathan ends up saying, not bearing with the awkward silence.

He bends down to pick up mammon, not fased by the hot water and burning body. He walks out of the bathroom, his steps revebrating in the quiet room.

"Why do you act like all of this is nothing?" He suddenly hears luke say.

He turns his head to look at the little angel who looks angry, face red, fists balled at his sides looking up with his big eyes.

"I used to think that mammon was crazy, he's always so irritating and i used to think of you and lucifer as the most normal ones, but...but lucifer... You...you and lucifer, YOU'RE FAR WORSE!" Levi stops in his tracks.

"Why do you always act so detached? like it doesnt even concern you!? LIKE YOU'RE JUST SOME OUTSIDER WATCHING A SHOW."

"Luke.. Shut up! " Simeon tries,

"No! You're just like lucifer if not worse. You act like a plain outsider. Even when lucifer kicked you earlier he was showing more feelings than you ever showed throughout this entire day. Both you and lucifer are the same! You act like .... Like this isnt bothering you, like this is nothing that concerns you like this is a normal occurence and that you are above all of this! and not like one of your brothers close to dying. Why... Why dont you show what you feel sometimes why dont you speak up for your own, cry, shout, get angry at real things not at your petty querrels."

Levi's eyes lost their shine for a second as if remembering something... His eyes went dark looking back at luke.

"Luke, sometimes its better to not give into your emotions, wheter you want it or not you can't think if you're under the influence of your emotions, you'd end up doing stupid things you will regret for the rest of your life. I've made enough errors and dealt with enough shit to know that in a situation where "someone's life is on the line" you should, in no case, no matter whats happening around you, inside of you or with you, give into the temptation to release whats bottling up." Levi states coldly, his voice rasor sharp.

"Lucifer, me and mammon had to learn the hard way that giving in to emotions was a bad idea. Already up there, mammon often got punished for being too curious and daring. And it didn't help later.

Its because mammon expressed his emotions that he got into this situation in the first place, its because lilith felt emotions and gave in to them that the war begun, its becsuse of emotions that lucifer mammon and i accepted to go into a war with the entire celestial realm.

its because emotions are a dense cloud blinding us in a tunnel view that people tend to die in dangerous situations. Not realising how many other ways there are." The heaviness of levi's words weigh on luke, satan biting his lip and beel Looking away.

"Dont ask questions like these if you haven't thought about an answer yourself, luke. Mammon is my brother and both me and lucifer feel concern worry and every other emotion of the emotional spectrum. But that doesnt mean we can just let them take over."

"You are still a child and have a long, very long life ahead of you, so this is my piece of advice for you, don't feel unless its safe to, go ahead laugh, cry, be angry, be upset, but dont you dare let it blind you."

With that levi walks out, by now the purple haired male had understood that simeon had opened his mouth, spouting things he shouldn't have.

Sighing deeply he places mammon on a fluffy carpet in his room, grabbing a few things around to dry off his brothers body before sitting at his head, delicately placing his hands over mammon's eyes beford whispering the spell again and again, the air around them quickly chilling once mammon's magic starts reacting to it, making them slighltly levitate ro accelerate the air ciculation.

-

"Why did you say that?" Beel asks rudely. The rumble of beel's voice waking the two sleeping males in his lap.

"Even if you were upset, this wasnt the moment to provoke levi, especially when simeon told you to shut it, you should have." Beel finishes with a huff apologizing to the stirring belphie.

Luke was on the verge of tears, guilt bubbling up like it had never before and he didn't know what to do...

In the meantime Satan had slipped out of the bathroom, anger boiling inside of him but he just couldn't... Not with what levi just said... He had never thought about it either, none of them have... All of this... What levi just said was.. GODDAMNIT why didn't he know of any of this.

HE WAS BORN. from Lucifer, technically lucifer's blood should be coursing trough him. Yet... Yet... He had be consumed by his sin time and time again..

How come he had never been affected, how come he had never felt this crushing pain, feeling his own sin course through him? Was it because he was pure wrath with nothing more? Was it because he wasn't worthy of it?

Fisting his hair and kicking the table satan growls in frustration...

And how come he couldn't prevent it?? He had felt mammon's anger, he had seen that it wasnt okay to keep the situation going yet he had just smiled hoping lucifer would get pissed.

But instead of getting pissed, lucifer got injured, mammon got injured and his other brothers had cried, even the angels solomon and lord dia got involved.. What if he had lost lucifer today or mammon? What if lucifer kicked him out the moment of their fall because he was acting like such an asshole? What if... Mammon had died..

If only he had stopped this fight.

"Its frustrating isnt it?" He whips his head around, seeing lucifer come down with davolo's help, slightly leaning against the lord.

"What is?" Satan asks without thinking.

"Blaming yourself for something you supposedly could have prevented by stepping in." Satan furrows his brows.

"No need to beat yourself up, that wont help, instead take over mammon's cooking shift tonight, levi will be busy with him for a few more hours. " a rare smile made its way on lucifer's tired face, some golden glitters still present on his hands and face.

"You dont haven't done anything wrong satan, quite sulking about something that you haven't caused, whats done is done lets move forward okay?" Unknowingly, he had approached lucifer and fisted the eldest's clothes, shoving his face into the eldests chest, sobs breaking through him.

"Im sorry for always trying killing you, for pulling stupid pranks on you, im sorry for -" his sentense is broken by a sob, gentle gloveless hands carding through his hair, calming him down. The sudden warmth engulfing him was too much, it was so unusual, so surreal it was such a.... New...feeling.

"Everything is allright okay, you'd need a lot more to kill me, your pranks wont do. Mammon is a lot stronger and more stubborn than he looks too, he just doesn't deal with this well, im sorry you got so scared, satan."

"H-how.."

"How i knew what you were feeling? There was a time where i felt the same, guilty and in constant fear, blaming myself for what my family was going through, but it was only much later that i understood that it is not, it's no ones." He explains quietly. "And also..you might or not have a nervous tic when you're scared." He adds.

A camera shutter is heard followed by a click and shortly after a soft discussion settles, between everyone. Though beel still refusing to speek and belphie quietly sitting next to lucifer.

Solomon had taken his leave along with diavolo who had barbatos waiting for him, and a promise of dinner being delivered at home for them.

Luke ended up crying when he saw lucifer, apologising over and over. simeon shut him down with a sleeping spell and apologized again to lucifer.

"Please keep us updated on mammon's state later on, we will be taking our leaves now too, sorry that we couldnt be of great help." Simeon said, his soft gentle reassuring voice bringing some relief to the brother's anxious hearts.

It wasnt long before all of them were seated in a comfortable silence, the two members of the anti lucifer league glued to lucifer's side, even helping the demon move around and get stuff.

When later on a truck of food arrived and everything was moved on the humongus table inside, beel was shockingly the one who didn't eat that much placing all kinds of food on a trail and standing up.

"Levi needs to get some energy.. Doing magic for so long must surely tire him out.." he simply mumbles and stands up walking to levi's room and gently knocking on the door.

A chill runs up his spine when his hand touches the freezing metal doorknob, twsting it slightly to open it, he cringes at the crackling noises it makes.

He gently opens the door, almost dropping the plate in his hands at the sught in front of him.

He exhales deeply trying to regain his calm, hoping he didn't disturb levi in his work... The room was dark but he could see thanks to the fish tank's light. Condensation was dancing around, the particles of moisture freezing around them.

But that wasnt what had put beel off.

levi was there, sitting in mid air with mammon in front of him, uncounscious and peaceful. Levi was in his admiral demon form his most dangerous and fullest demon form.

long claws and scaled hands resting at the side of mammon's head. his normally rather thin and long tail, was thick and heavily spread around the room, its fins, looking soft but beel knew better than anyone that they were rasor sharp, a simple touch would be enough to kill an adult demon, be it by the cut or by the poison, no one has lived long enough to say.

levi's scales were reflecting the orange glowing in leviathan's eyes. Two shining orbs instead if levi's usual eyes. His horns were probably what had surprised beel the most, long alters, thick and spread out to the back of his head they were.... So magestic..

Fangs were poking on his underlip and you could see the beginning of an exoskeleton going up and around his torso.

Not daring to make a lot of noise he enters the room on his tippy toes, avoiding the tail and especially the fins.

"Levi... You should eat, i will leave some food here for you and... Mammon... " he says quietly, eyes casting downwards at the end of his phrase, he felt like crying again.. he was feeling like a little kid after an argument with his parents, ready to get scolded. He fists the hem of his shirt, bottom lip trembling.

He didn't realise he had stayed there, it was only when he felt the delicate feeling of a snake like tail wrapping around him that he realised he had stayed longer than intended.

"Im... Im sorry i didnt mean to disturb i wa-"

"Shh," levi shushes him and his legs detangle from up there, his eyes shut for a few seconds before he opens them again, his usual eyes back to look at beelzebub with a gentle smile.

He lowers to the ground and once he's standing underneath mammon mammon's body comes down too, letting levi catch it safely.

"Its okay im done, Mammon will wake up in a few minutes im sure he'll be really hungry." Levi says and places mammon in his bedtub. "Either way, i for sure am! " he walks over to the tray of food, eyes bulging when he saw barbatos's and hell's kitchen's food.

He immediately took one of the containers, food already slightly cold.

"Eat with me." He orders and shoves another container into beel's arms. A smile blooms on the demon's lips and he happily takes it, relief washing over him when he hears mammon's steady breathing and occasional shuffles.

"Im not mad. I could never be." Levi starts after a little moment between two bites.

"Its just, me lucifer and mammon made the promise to never talk about what happened back then, luke's comments were just placed at the wrong moment.. "

"But mammon got hurt like this be-"

"Because i wanted to." They hear and both their heads shoot in direction of mammon. His soft blue eyes were back but he looked absolutely exhausted. Dark eyebags were clear under his eyes and and his usual peppy voice drained of all energy.

"Is that hell's kitchen? Im starving." Mammon grumbles and attempts to stand up ony to be pulled back down by levi's tail.

"No move." leviathan threatens and walks over, placing a tray with food in front of him, mammon digging in instantly.

"What i did back there, taking yer share of the curse (im dying to insert mammon munching noises in " nomnom" form but i wont because i... Idk actually) was my decision and i would 100% do it again. So no sulking around beel yer gonna worry belphie and me,... And levi... And asmo... And satan... And lucifer. " Mammon grumbles while eating.

"I couldn't agree more, if all three of us had not agreed the curse would have been casted on all of us and not just me you and levi." Lucifer says walking into the room.

"Welcome back mammon." Lucifer says, delicately ruffling Mammon's hair. Believe it or not, but mammon choking on his food was definitely what they all needed for the remaining ice to break and laughter to erupt

Mammon's room was restored and besides the fact that the said demon was stuck between constant hugs, cuddles and family activities mammon couldn't complain, he couldn't be be happier.

This story like many of others would forever be crafted out in their hearts.

The end.

Okay besides the fact rhat i rushed rhe end A liitttititle bit im quite satisfied.

Comments, asks/requests, opinions and love is highly appreciated

Rbs are too!

[the-nysh]

Do you think that Kacchan and Garou have some similarities? Besides the most obvious external ones, I mean. They're both very nuanced characters and I love them so much, I was wondering if you could make some meta about this (I love your metas just as much as I love those two 🥺)

Oh anon. 🥺 If you're able to see & appreciate the nuanced merits of both characters separately, then I already like ya~ In general it feels a little awkward for me to compare or pit favs against each other (so I usually don't like to do it heh), but I have written up a hypothetical 'how would they react if they ever met each other' scenario on a previous ask before, if you're also interested!

That said, they do have several similarities (I'll just go ahead and list even the obvious ones anyway~) Mainly they're both intelligent assholes (as actual nerds, who're sharp but also ironically quite dense/oblivious about other things that matter too :P - very gap moe) with headstrong, petty 'feral gremlin' temperaments, and are adaptive fighting prodigies with the same stubborn tenacious streak & determination to do whatever it takes to win without giving up. They're extremely self-reliant yet set almost impossible (detrimental) expectations upon themselves to achieve. To the point they can become self-destructive (enduring/tanking a lot of punishment under pressure as they refuse to concede) or boldly sacrificial once their protective instincts flare. (Their bodies do move on their own in those desperate, character-defining moments - which I love to see.) Both are emotionally constipated as well, with poor social tact and difficulty navigating/articulating their feelings beyond their common irritation, frustration, and anger. Including their shared struggles at being taken seriously (underestimated) without premature judgment, dehumanization, and unjust labeling - yes such experiences piss them off too. (And in a meta sense, both ironically receive that from their fandoms who often misread them, to the point their fan reception is far more divisive/controversial than what canon actually intends, ahem.) But amazingly, even when both have had villain organizations, literally even the 'big bad,' try to tempt/sway them over to their side in a similar manner (by assuming their dreams for them), they've boldly refused with the same defiant 'you can't tell me what to do' message right in their faces (yaaay~)

However the biggest difference between them is that Kacchan carries himself with the type of genuine, self-assured pride and confidence to follow through and be exactly who he claims/says he wants to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks or approves of him. (ie Kacchan fully ~embraces the cringe~ to be 100% unabashedly himself, despite, and even literally with spite, what any 'extras' have to say about it......which is actually a mindset Saitama shares, both to live by and do whatever he wants regardless of others.) While Garou has yet to fully accept & realize that, having resigned himself to a role that's incongruent to his true self (wrongly believing he doesn't have the choice open to him to be his own ideal hero), where he tries so hard -and fails- to become someone he's not. :'D In this way, Kacchan (especially in the current manga) has far more self-awareness than him, even down to apologizing & owning up to his past mistakes on his own (without anyone telling him to do it) and proactively choosing to atone to become the best version of himself. After facing many humbling realizations and reality checks along the way. How Garou matures post-arc (esp in the wc) and what becomes of him approaching his goal in a newly constructive & enlightened way after his reality check still remains to be seen.

Additionally, people often joke about Kacchan being tsundere (which can work to an extent in gags), but I don't quite see it that way, because Garou is far more traditionally tsundere than him (chronic denial, performatism, deflecting & avoidance of the truth thru Blatant Lie excuses - which is funny). Whereas Kacchan's far more blunt yet sincere about voicing his opinions about things - ie if he doesn't like something, he will make his displeasure known, and conversely if he sees something to honor or compliment, he will calmly express the truth in his own firm yet reliable (and controlled) way. Because Kacchan doesn't like to lie (even when he begrudgingly admits things in half-truths, he's still technically correct.) However his short fuse temper and annoyance/irritation at others easily flares and often gets misconstrued as him 'hiding his softer core' or something...when actually Kacchan is just that easily ticked off at things, and is rarely ever 'nice' or bothers to coddle or hold back on even his friends either. Meanwhile....look at Garou expressing his 'whimsical kindness' (ONE's words) around Tareo, or when he displays softer empathy and his compassionate side to the point he gets upset on behalf of the injustice suffered by others. :') The poor guy gets pissed at himself for caring and having such softer feelings(tm)!!!! Ahem, so Garou behaves 'soft' (and denies/holds back his true self) in a way Kacchan does not. Their vibes are quite distinct here - while Kacchan is observant (and calmly composed when serious; appearing much 'softer' than usual), imo Garou has more emotional empathy than him (although he'll refuse to admit it), spanning back to when he was originally just a nice kid, so I hope more fans come to understand the difference.

[jenroseyokel]

Awesome of the Year 2018: The Books

Happy New Year! ‘Tis the season for year end lists left and right as we attempt to figure out the best of everything from 2018. And of course, as a fan of books, music, and movies, it’s only right to get in on the list-making. Over the next week or so, I’ll be sharing my 2018 favorite lists. First up: books! This year, I set my Goodreads reading challenge at 40 books, and actually passed it. I’ve been setting arbitrary book goals for years, but I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve succeeded since 2007. Probably because of all the graphic novels and comic trades I read this year WHICH TOTALLY COUNT BTW. Ahem. Anyway. This isn’t really a best of 2018 list so much as a Here’s a Bunch of Books I Really Liked in 2018 list, split up into categories. I hope you’ll find something interesting here, especially if you’re looking for ways to spend bookstore or Amazon gift cards you got for Christmas… ;)

Newish Books by Rad Christian Women:

Every Arbitrary Book Goal should have a small correlated goal attached. This year mine was to make sure I read at least 50% women authors… and there have been a lot of GREAT new books from women writers in the past few years. If the “Christian women” section of your local bookstore makes you cringe a little inside too, check out these three wonderful books, all released in the past couple years:

Courage, Dear Heart by Rebecca K. Reynolds (NavPress, 2018)

Anyone who has read Rebecca’s writing knows she needed to write a book. She has a sharp mind, a poet's soul, a scientist's eye, and the most beautiful, tender heart. Also, she's an incredible writer who loves her readers with a love that radiates off every page. Buy a copy for everyone you know.

Wearing God by Lauren F. Winner (HarperOne, 2017) Girl Meets God was a formative book in my early 20s, and I’ve always meant to read more from this author, but somehow haven't. I finally picked up this one and oh man, for a solid month afterward I couldn’t stop thinking about it. With the eye of a scholar and the heart of a poet, Winner draws on personal stories, deep Biblical study, and a love of language to explore lesser known metaphors for God. Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren (InterVarsity Press, 2016)

Several years ago, James K.A. Smith’s Desiring the Kingdom helped me see liturgy in a new way, as not just religious practice, but the embedded routines that shape us. In this book, Tish Warren brings that idea to life as she walks through an ordinary day explores the holiness in our most mundane moments of living. You may not look at brushing your teeth or losing your keys the same way again.

Good Stories

This year, fiction reading was… all over the place? I don’t know if I read much that was OMG amazing, but here are a few that were fun…

The Fairyland Series 2-5 by Catherynne M. Valente (Feiwel & Friends, 2012-2015)

I am notoriously awful at finishing book series. I read the first Fairyland book maybe… two years ago? Yikes. Just finished the last one and wow, so fun. Colorful characters, a whimsical narrator, crazy locations, and a whole lot of heart make this Victorian fairytale meets contemporary fantasy a delight to read. 

Til We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis (Harcourt, 1956)

Lewis’ contemporary retelling of the Cupid and Pschye myth through the eyes of Psyche’s jealous sister Orual. Second read for me, and even better this time around. Pretty sure this is Lewis’ storytelling at his best.

Strange Practice by Vivian Shaw (Orbit, 2017)

This was a year to embrace fun, nerdy reads. So there was the Star Trek spoof Redshirts (with a plot twist I totally saw coming... and I am not good at guessing plot twists) and my first trip into the Star Wars extended book universe (or whatever the heck they call it these days) and… this. A story about a doctor for the undead in London, trying to solve the mysteries surrounding a murderous cult and keep her monster friends safe. Not the greatest, but a fun Halloween read. I’ll get to the sequel eventually. (See also: bad at finishing book series.)

Poetry for Everyone 

Another new reading practice this year: always keeping a poetry book on the bedside table. Poetry books are best for leisurely dipping in and out rather than reading cover to cover. If you think poetry is only for the ivory towers, give these writers a try and think again.

A Child's Year by Christopher Yokel (Independent, 2018)

Okay, I’m biased here, but hey! Chris quietly released a new poetry book into the world this fall, and I’m a big fan of Chris AND his poems. A Child’s Year is a season cycle, sort of like his last book A Year in Weetamoo Woods, but this time it’s anchored by a four part poem recalling the journey of seasons through childhood eyes. And according to our friend Kirsten’s 7-year-old son, he gets the experience right. ;) 

The Jubilee by John Blase (Bright Coppers Press, 2017) For his 50th birthday, John Blase released his first poetry book, with a poem for every year of life. It’s rare for me to make it through an entire collection start to finish but these were just so good. There are poems about aging — the author’s and his parents’ — and poems that evoke wide spaces and natural wonder. There are psalms and parables, and meditations on dying and, yes, living. All of them finely tuned with wisdom, gentle grace, and a touch of humor in all the right places. How I Discovered Poetry by Marilyn Nelson (Dial Books, 2014)

When I heard Marilyn Nelson read her poem “Thirteen-Year-Old American Negro Girl” on the On Being podcast, I was captivated. And when I found this lovely hardcover in a used bookstore back home in Florida, I knew I needed to read more. This is a memoir in poetry about growing up in a black military family during the American Civil Rights era, told with gentle lyricism, warmth, and humor. Plus, the book itself is lovely with whimsical illustrations and family photos.

Comics!

I’m always on a quest to get more comics in my life. Plus knocking out a whole series in a couple weeks is a solid way to pad out your Arbitrary Book Goal.

Amulet 1-7 by Kazu Kibuishi (Graphix, 2008-2016)

After their father’s tragic death, Emily and Navin move with their mom to a strange old house that belonged to their great-grandfather… and so the adventure begins. In this fantasy series, the two kids find themselves in an underground world of demons, robots, talking animals, and a dangerous and powerful Amulet. A captivating and beautifully illustrated fantasy tale. Ms. Marvel 1-5 by G. Willow Wilson (Marvel, 2014-2016)

Y’all, I super want to be a Marvel nerd. But alas, I can't keep up, so I get my sister to loan books to me. Ms. Marvel is my new fave. A Pakistani-American girl from Jersey City has the power to grow, shrink, and stretch her body at will. So she’s trying to fight crime, keep up at school, and well, stay out of trouble with her parents. So fun. (Dear Disney: I really want this kid to show up in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. before it gets canceled kthxbye.)

The Legend of Wonder Woman by Ranae De Liz and Ray Dillon (DC Comics, 2016)

Weren’t we all mildly obsessed with Wonder Woman after the 2017 film? Another one I borrowed from my sister. A solid take on Diana’s origin story that’s accessible for comic n00bs (ahem, like me) who can’t figure out where to begin with beautiful art and a lot of heart.

The Classic I Finally Read 

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen I always try to tackle either a thick intimidating novel or an unread classic in the wintertime. This year, I worked on my Austen deficiency and discovered I relate a little too much to Elinor Dashwood.

What’s Next?

In the new year, I think my goal is less about numbers and more about reading widely. I liked the 50% women authors goal because it helped me actively choose to support women writers. This year, hoping to read more books by authors of color, explore some new ideas and genres, and hopefully do a better job reading deeply and taking notes. I’ve got my eye on Book Riot’s Read Harder Challenge too, perhaps as a way to dig into new things I wouldn’t normally notice. And yeah... perhaps a monthly reading life update is a thing I can do here on the blog. :)

If you’re curious to see the full list of What I Read This Year and follow along with me in 2019, feel free to follow me on Goodreads!

What were some of your favorite reads in 2018? And what are your goals for the new year? I’d love to hear all about it in the comments!

[tentoriwrites]

Pantry Raiders

A side story in the same timeline/story/whatever as the “Beautifully Unbroken” with Tadakatsu and MC. This is what happens when @suzunesays challenges me to write a crackfic. I have ZERO excuses for this. Please enjoy!

Also tagging @jane-runs-fast @melody-chii and @alva-radio since they asked to nicely!

MC learns to go��“downtown” with the help of daikon instructional aides.

“So…” She looked around awkwardly unsure where her eyes should be right now. This was the first time she had gotten Tadakatsu to this level of undress. Her blush telling him everything she didn’t feel comfortable saying.

“Something wrong, Milady?” He wondered eying her playfully.

“OH! Umm no!” Her gaze flashed back to him then away again. She fidgeted with her kimono just to have something to do with her hands.

“Milady, are you by any chance a virgin?” The way he phrased the question it didn’t come off like a question at all.

“I’m not without some experience! Just not with someone of your… size…” She snapped back defensively as she crossed her arms over her chest. Her bravado didn’t last long, she slumped forward and frowned.

“Well I am in great shape from training all the time. Don’t worry though, when the time comes I’ll be gentle.” He replied with an easy, warm smile as he moved to embrace her.

“That… That’s not exactly what I meant…” She mumbled as her blush intensified again when his naked body came into view.

“Oh?” He cocked an eyebrow playfully. “What ever did you mean then?” He asked teasingly as he waggled his eye brows. She thought he might have caught on, but he wouldn’t let up! He just kept staring at her with a cheesy grin, his naked body pressed against her.

“You have a rather large daikon!” She blurted out, almost immediately shrinking away in utter embarrassment.

WHY?! Why is it always food with me?

Just as she was about to hide behind her sleeves, Tadakatsu started laughing genuinely. He took her hands in his, resting his forehead on them. When he finally pulled himself together, he looked up at her very seriously.

“Don’t worry, Milady, I’ll make sure to properly till your field before burying my daikon in it…” Even though this was exactly something he would say, that didn’t make it, or its implications any less apparent.

“I know…” She sighed finally relaxing again. “I know…”

 Lord Ieyasu was summoned to see Lord Nobunaga a few days after that awkward moment. For whatever reason, he deigned it unnecessary for her to go with them. That meant she would be alone in the castle for quite some time. She saw this as an opportunity. After seeing them off, she wandered into Tadakatsu’s room to find something to help her with her problem. She just wanted something to maybe, acclimate herself with someone of his… endowment… She swallowed hard as she browsed over his extensive collection before pulling a book at random off a shelf.

Why… why does he have a book called, “The Lover’s Guide for Women?”

She slowly opened the cover and flipped through the pages idly until something caught her eye. Some very graphic pictures made her drop the book initially. Though, she realized this was exactly what she had been looking for. After a hard swallow and deep breath, she picked up the book again and started reading the section titled, “Other Ways to Pleasure Your Lover.” Managing to read through the entire section, somehow, she hid the book in her obi so she could steal it away to her room.

The next day, she set off in search of what she needed to start practicing what she had learned. The book was very clear that practice makes perfect. The problem with that, she didn’t have anything, or anyone, rather, to practice with. Being as everything with her comes back to food, she decided produce was probably her best bet. Go with what you know! With that in mind, she went to the greengrocer. It was at this point she realized the problem with having such a good relationship with the greengrocer…

“OH! You came at just the right time! We just got some great produce! Look at the size of these daikon!” He beamed pulling out quite possibly the biggest daikon she had ever seen. She blanched instantly. “Is something wrong with it?” He wondered pulling the produce back and scrutinizing it. Now she was turning red. She tried to think quickly, to come up with something before he looked at her again.

“Well… it’s just… I wanted to try a new recipe and I don’t want to waste such a beautiful specimen if it doesn’t turn out…” She replied very bashfully. The greengrocer looked up at her with a knowing smile.

“I understand, you’re trying to impress a certain special someone, so you want to get it right before going for the good stuff.” He added a wink for good measure.

“Yes…” She replied with a sigh of relief shoulders untensing. Then her mind went south and her face colored again.

I guess he’s not wrong… I do want to get better before trying on Tadakatsu… It was at this point her brain ceased to function completely, realizing she was subconsciously agreeing with the greengrocer about something she never in her life would have imagined… That she could somehow equate a man’s *ahem* to the choicest produce was mortifying. And yet, she fully intended to stick it in her mouth as if to eat it. The whole line of thought she was going down on the one hand made her deeply aroused and deeply embarrassed all at once.  

The green grocer continued fussing through his wares a few moments allowing her to calm down again. “I have just what you need…” He displayed some small and slightly lower quality pieces perfect for her needs. She made her selections and quickly headed back to the castle. No amount of rushing or focus could keep her thoughts straight. They kept straying back to naked Tadakatsu and how she wasn’t going to see him for quite a while. Somehow that made the ache worse.

There she sat in her room, a line of daikon in front of her, book opened to the page she needed. As she sat there staring at everything, amazingly all the other things she could have been doing ran through her head.

Did I do the preparations for dinner? Yes… before I went to town… Right, right… The washing? No, that’s done too. How about! No… Umeko helped me with that…

She went back to staring at the vegetables, a bit distraught.

Tadakatsu is much bigger and these seem so daunting…

She closed her eyes, sullenly slumped forward. Then, she sat up straight, a look of pure resolution as she patted her cheeks briskly. No, she was going to do this! Tadakatsu had been so kind and patient with her she wanted to reward him. Food he would be expecting. This, this he would not expect. She picked up one of the vegetables, washed and ready to go, and looked down at the book.

“Start with a firm but gentle grip on the base.” She got a firm hold on the green tops of the produce. “Depending on your Lover’s level of arousal…” she gulped, “you may need to stroke him… a few times… to make him…” She gulped again and skipped ahead a bit. “If there’s too much friction… try licking your hand first… or… him…” She dropped the daikon. This was too much. She couldn’t do this! What was she thinking?

She found her resolve again, steeling herself as she picked up the daikon. Trying to get over her nerves, she decided to just stick it in her mouth. Maybe, she thought, if she could get over that weirdness, she could back up and start from the beginning. She started off tentatively resting the daikon on the tip of her outstretched tongue. Not so bad! She quickly advanced the daikon into her mouth, too quickly. She instantly regretted that decision as she recoiled to avoid throwing up. Slow down. You have plenty of time…

She started over, this time listening to the book rather than her own overzealous brain.

Just… imagine it’s Tadakatsu!

She cringed, she couldn’t! He’s too big! That’s what started all this! But she tried anyways. Giving the tip of the produce a gentle kiss to start with before slowly descending it. With slow strokes increasing in length. Doing it this way, she found she actually rather enjoyed it. The feeling of something on her lips pleasant, the texture on her tongue appealing.

Mmm… Tadakatsu…

She stopped abruptly, embarrassed by how weirdly turned on she was getting by sucking on a piece of produce. She decided, after a few pensively moments of thought, that was a good thing. That meant she would enjoy doing it with Tadakatsu when she got the chance. With a smile she read the next part then tried to put it into practice.

 A few weeks had gone by and she went for her weekly trip for practice materials. “Ahhh! Back again? How’s the recipe coming along?” The greengrocer asked moving to get her some of his smaller pieces.

“I think…” she started hesitantly before starting to smile, “it’s time for the good stuff.” His whole face lit up as he pulled out the best-looking daikon he had, displaying it with a certain pride. She could see it in his eyes, he wasn’t proud of the produce… He was proud of being able to able to help her with what he, ostensibly, thought was food to romance her potential lover. She just kept smiling, trying to hide her awkwardness at realizing that.

“Perfect!” She paid for it and left quickly before he could catch on.

 A few more days had gone by when the castle came alive. Lord Ieyasu was back and that meant so was Tadakatsu! She got to her feet and rushed to the kitchens to help with everything that would surely need to be done. Especially, getting a big meal ready for Lord Ieyasu.

Despite the exhausting effort of getting everything put together, she got back to her room that night full of excitement and giddy energy. Though, she decided to keep it to herself. She figured Tadakatsu would be tired after traveling, he hadn’t been at dinner, after all. She started to get ready for a bath when she heard a familiar voice outside the door.

“Ohhh Milllaaaadddyyy…” He cooed and she took off running for the door. In one smooth motion, she slid the door open and launched herself into his arms. He was not prepared and they both tumbled into her room. He was laughing as he held her close, taking in the smell of her hair. “I’m happy to see you too!”

“I thought you might have just gone to rest after your journey, so I let you be.” She said as she snuggled into his warmth.

“Oh no… a hard situation need my immediate attention as soon as we returned. I knew you were busy, so I took care of it myself.” He replied, and she knew what he meant. Still, his stomach growled audibly. They both chuckled for a minute before he sat up again. “Say… are those jars of pickled vegetables?” He wondered reaching out and grabbing one.

“Y… yes…” She stuttered trying to hide her embarrassment. It’s supposed to be a surprise! She can’t tell him the truth. “I wanted to try something different… for you…” That wasn’t entirely a lie…

“You made all these for me?” He seemed genuinely amazed as he cracked the lid off the jar. He didn’t even bother with decorum, sticking his hand in and cramming a handful in his mouth. “Oh these are soo goooodd…” He practically moaned with his mouth still full.

His mouth was full… Her mouth had been full of the same produce that made those pickles at some point… Doing… that… so she could do it… for him… Watching him eat had set her mind down a very dirty road, one from which she could not turn back.

“Tadakatsu… don’t eat too many of those at once or something else might turn sour!” She whispered.  He looked at her slowly flashed her a cheesy grin.

“Don’t worry, I won’t get all sour like Lord Ieyasu!” He replied before shoving more in his mouth.

That’s not what I meant… She kept it to herself this time.

“I’ll go make you a proper a dinner. So… just wait for me here or in your room.” She got up quickly to leave through the still open door.

“Say…” He called to her and when she turned around he was licking his fingers.

AHHHHHH!!!! Don’t do this to me right now!

“Do you want to help me with that hard situation later? I don’t think it’s completely resolved yet.” Her eyes grew wide as her heart started pounding in her ears.

“Yes… There was something I wanted to show you anyways…” She managed to reply before taking off running. She need to be a caring, responsible lover and feed him first. There would be plenty of time for that later…

[diverseladybookproject]

Book Review - Woman No. 17 by Edan Lepucki

Book review, book review! I've got another book review!

I had heard all sorts of good things about this book on the BookRiot podcasts, and when I signed up for Blogging for Books, this was one of the first options available for request, so I jumped on it. Literary fiction isn't usually my jam, but this synopsis intrigued me. Anyway. Here we go.

Lady is newly separated from her husband and is looking for a live-in nanny for her younger son, two-year-old Devin. She interviews Esther, they jive, and Esther is immediately hired. Esther, who is going by S and trying to emulate her own mother for an art project, moves into the pool house, where she drinks and does art. Then some stuff happens - Lady and Esther both have significant mother issues - and everything comes to a head.

3 Things I Loved

SETH. Okay. I've mentioned this in every single review and progress update while I was reading - I just fell in love with Seth in this book. He has selective mutism and has never spoken a word, but he is described as the most expressive person in the whole book. He may never speak, but he tells these entire stories. And I felt for him - his mother (Lady) is super overprotective, and he doesn't know his biological father, and he and Esther have this complicated relationship that was nuanced and so wonderful to read. I wanted more Seth throughout this entire book. I wish he had been a narrator. 

Esther's art project. So, Esther has serious mommy issues, and she decides to channel her mother into art by drinking herself sick and painting. She puts an ad on Craig's List for pictures of people's mothers to paint and then photograph, and it's fascinating. She seems aware of her issues with her mother, but she's not so much trying to combat them as she is to embrace them. It's weird and darkly funny and I didn't really understand, but I was there for it.

Karl. Karl is Lady's estranged husband, and he was a shining light amongst terrible people in this book. He loved Devin, and despite everything, he loved Lady. But the best part was how he loved Seth when no one else really saw Seth as a complex human being. He adopted Seth, and he lets Seth stay with him during the estrangement, and he's a stand-up guy. I don't like his part in the ending, but I mean - you'll hear more about that in a second.

Anything Problematic?

YES. Oh my goodness, yes. So I loved Seth, as I've said. Part of why I loved him was that I felt so bad for him throughout the whole book - his mother did not treat his illness as an illness. She both downplayed it and made it seem like this insurmountable roadblock, and it made me cringe on each mention. 

Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder. I can't say I'm an expert or anything, but based on the internet research I did while reading, it's extremely rare for a child to never speak at all - most kids with selective mutism can speak when they're comfortable but can't when they're anxious. But Seth never speaks at all. And Lady - ugh, his mother is so horrible most of the time. She describes him to Esther before Esther meets him as "nonverbal, but not autistic or a genius." And she refuses to learn sign language, because she thinks Seth should communicate with her in a way that she is comfortable. Like, wow. WOW. That's his mother. I get that's her characterization, but I hated it. Seth needs to be protected at all costs, because sure, he has problems, but all of his problems' roots at least make sense (ahem, his mother).

So, yeah, the way that Seth's mental illness is described in the book is inherently problematic. And that may have been the point, but it was still hard to read.

Rating

A reminder of the rating system:

Red = DNF, I hated everything

Orange = Ugh, no thank you

Yellow = I mean, I've read worse, but there were problems

Green = This was good, but not something I'd reread

Blue = Oh my gosh, everyone should be reading this book

Purple = This is the unicorn of books and I will be rereading it until the binding falls apart

Since Seth was one of few redeeming qualities in this book, and the ending was one of the most disappointing endings I've read in a long time (I NEEDED A BETTER SETH CONCLUSION), I closed this book feeling very unhappy with it. Plus, there were the problems with how Seth's selective mutism is handled. Also, alcoholism, because there were alcoholics all over the place in this book. So anyway. I'm giving Woman No. 17 a YELLOW rating. Some people will really like this, and the writing itself was beautiful. But just. Ugh. And also, MORE SETH ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME??

This book was provided to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review. This did not affect my opinions in the slightest.

Have you read this one? What did you think?

Happy reading!

-Amanda

[the-rainbow-shaka-brah]

Everyday Hero [Completed]

Everyday Hero Pt.1

Everyday Hero Pt. 2

Everyday Hero Pt. 3:

~Max~

I face myself in the mirror, staring intensely into my own blue eyes. I sigh and lift up my shirt, revealing a long, ugly scar. I trace my finger lightly over the tender bit of skin and cringe, "Shit,". I look hideous and deformed... as if I wasn't self-conscious enough. I sigh sharply and force my shirt down, blowing a few loose strands of hair out of my eyes, "Pfft, minor scarring they said, you won't be able to see it, they said. Huh, yeah right," I mutter angrily, turning away from the mirror. I get out today... out of the hospital that is. Chloe's coming by later to pick me up and take me home. Well, it's not home ... I'm going to be staying with Chloe for a while 'till my folks can figure some stuff out. That's code name for they can't take care of me and deal with work and lawyers all at the same time. Anyways, I gather up the few things left in my hospital room and shove them into my tote bag lying on the bed. I grab the cute teddy bear Chloe got for me a few days after I woke up and clutch it tightly against me. Huh, I may be 18 but I still have a soft spot for stuffed animals. I press my nose into its soft fur and breath in. I can smell her... cigarettes... smoke... weed... Chloe. I've grown accustomed to her smell, she's visited me almost every day or even staying the night sometimes. We've talked about telling my parents about our relationship... but we never really act on it. I sigh again and pull the toy away from my face, setting it gingerly in the bag. As I go to lift it, I cringe and clutch my side, "Fuck!". Certain movements make my insides burn in pain but it's bullshit, I can't bend down or pick anything up or reach for anything or... I look down at the contents of my bag which is now spread out across the floor. Anger begins to swell up inside me as I force myself to get down on the ground, ignoring the pain exploding in my brain. I grab my camera and shove it into the bag, "Shit...". I grab some clothes and shove them in, tears forming in my eyes. The bear... where's the fucking bear... under the bed? I lower myself further, black spots begin to cloud my vision. I don't see it... I don't see anything. Everything is dark and fuzzy.... And cold... it feels... nice. I could get used to this. But, I'm abruptly pulled for my dark stupor by strong hands clamping down on my shoulders, "Max?!" The voice says. I blink, shutting my eyes and gripping the hands that hold me, "Huh? What?". "You okay?! You were on the floor,". I nod slowly, waiting until everything seems to settle back into place before replying, "Just... dropped something,". Chloe shakes her head, easing me back onto the bed, "You know you're not supposed to do that, you can really hurt yourself,". "I can do whatever I want," I growl back coldly. She sighs and sits beside me on the bed, resting her hand on top of mine, "But you don't have to do it alone, Max. it's okay to ask for help,". I look up at her, my vision finally clear and sigh, "I'm sorry, Chloe. I just... I hate feeling so goddamn helpless,". "I know, and I'm sorry you feel that way. But," Chloe pauses, picking the stuffed bear up off the ground and handing it to me, "You don't have to". I take the bear and sigh, "I know,". She leans in and kisses me on the lips, holding there for a few moments. "I love you...". "Hmm, me too, dork," she whispers once we pull away, "We good to go?". I nod and allow her to take my hands, pulling me up off the bed and lead me out of the room. As Chloe checks me out of the hospital, I stand beside her, staring blankly into the abyss. Am I really ready to go back out there? Into the real world? I- I mean... what if someone tries to hurt Chloe again? I don't have my powers to protect her... I don't have anything to protect her. Well, besides myself. Shit, I can barely take care of myself.... So how am I? "Max," Chloe says, tapping me on the shoulder. I blink and turn to her, "Yep?". She sighs and points to the guy manning the front desk. "Would you like to talk to someone? We have counselors for people who have undergone recent traumas and tragedies, what'd you say?". He tries to hand me a clipboard but I decline and turn away, "Uh, no thanks. I can handle my own problems,". As I walk away I hear Chloe take the clipboard and quickly jot something down before running over to catch up with me. "What part of I can handle my own problems did you not understand?" I say coldly. "Dude, what are you talking about?" she asks, confused as to what pissed me off. "Didn't you sign me up for that counselor?". "You said you didn't want to,". I blush, ashamed that I accused my girlfriend of that, "Then... who'd you sign up?". "Myself,". I might've laughed, but Chloe's serious tone tells me otherwise. "But... Why?". " Oh, I don't know... I've been abused, drugged, and possibly... *ahem*. I watched my best friend get shot, die, and be revived all in the same day. They found Rachael dead in the junkyard and I had to I.D the body. Jeffershit came forward with his creepy ass photo-drug with binders filled pictures of half-conscious girls, which included an empty one with your name on it. Huh, I hate to say it but it ain't all sunshine and rainbows on my end and you sure as hell aren't the only one dealing with shit,". I feel myself shrink back in shame. God... I'm such an insensitive bitch... what's wrong with me? Am I still being selfish? Once we get to the truck after a few minutes of silence, Chloe stops and turns to me, " I- I'm sorry snapped at you... it's just... *sigh*. I'm just not used to you being so pissy and uptight. Do your pain med throw you that outta wack?". I nod a little and apologize in a small pathetic voice. I know she gets fed up with my moodiness, but... she always just keeps her feelings to herself. I'm actually glad that she got upset at me... I deserve to be treated just like anyone else... no special treatment for me. Chloe sighs and embraces me, allowing me to cry into her shirt. "I- I'm sorry, Chloe... I- I just-". "You're scared, and I understand, but you have to talk to me," Chloe says, taking my face in her hands, "I can't help you if you shut the world out... shut me out,". I nod weakly and hug her again, "Y- You are my world,". "And you are goddamn adorable,". I giggle a bit and pull away, gesturing to the truck, "Come on, let's get out of here and get some real food! Everything in there tastes like cardboard,". Chloe smirks and opens the door for me, "Hardly seemed nutritious too, you've lost like what... 6, 7 pounds?". "Ten," I correct with a sigh, scrambling up into my seat. It's one thing on top of the other for me huh? I've got a laundry list of problems... not just mental, but physical too. "We still need to talk about phy-" Chloe begins but I cut her off with a stern look. She raises her hands up in surrender,"Okay, okay! I won't bring it up, but you seriously need to consider it... I think it'll help,". I sigh again and shrug, watching as she closes the door and saunters over to the driver's seat. I try not to think about how physical therapy is going to have to be like... a thing. I guess vegging out in a bed for almost 2 months has its consequences, huh... *sigh*.

Once we're out on the road, I feel like I'm in a well enough state to ask the question I've been dreading for weeks. "Uh, Chloe... I've been meaning to ask... do... do I have to...". "No," she replies quickly, as if reading my mind, "You don't have to give a statement if you don't want to. The police have enough evidence to lock those fuckers away for a long time,". I swallow hard, "W-what did you say?". "Only what I knew at the time... which wasn't much. I just told them about the drugs and Frank's threats, my plan to leave Arcadia Bay if Rachael ever showed up... that stuff. Nonetheless, I got in some trouble, but step-shit would not let me in the hands of the local police,". I giggle nervously, remembering how Chloe said that exact line in another reality, "H-he means well,". Chloe nods, "I know... he saved you and... that's something I can't thank him enough for,". I shut my eyes tightly as a flash of memories bombard my mind. "Hey, you okay?!" Chloe asks frantically. I nod and reach over, grabbing her hand, "It'll pass...". The 'Darkroom', Drugs, Blood, Guns, Camera...click click click. I shiver visibly. "Max, I'm right... just relax... relax,". I take a deep breath and the flashback fades. "I'm...okay,". I open my eyes slowly and turn to see Chloe staring at me, her eyes damp with tears. "What?". "I- I just... *sniff* I hate that I can't help you with the flashbacks... they seem so painful,". I nod in understanding, "I got... I think I've got them under control. They're slowing down... becoming less and less," I reassure her, "I'm handling them a lot better that I was before,". "I know... and I'm really happy you're getting better... but I don't get why you're having these 'Flashbacks' in the first place... none of that shit even happened to you,". She's right... none of the things from that week actually happened to me... well, at least they didn't happen to my physical form... but it did happen in my mindset. So... when I made the choice to take the bullet... I created yet another alternate reality. God... how many fucking timelines and realities have I created? Can I even call this 'real life' anymore? I mean... it's normal for everyone else, but I'm the time traveler... or... Time Drifter as I like to call it. I mean, I'll never go back to my reality... my original timeline, the one before my powers... the one where... Chloe dies in the bathroom. I close my eyes again and fight off memories of Chloe getting shot instead of me. "Can we like, not talk about anything right now? Please?"" I ask calmly, knowing she'll understand. "Yeah, of course," Chloe replies quickly, giving my hand another squeeze before returning to the steering wheel. We both stay quiet until we pull up to Chloe's half painted house and wait... for what... I don't know. "Do you need help getting out?" she finally says as she slips out of the truck and awaits my answer. I smile softly and nod a bit, "Yeah... that would be nice,". We share a warm smile before Chloe breaks off and walks over to open the door. "Okay, now... give me your hand," she instructs. I obey and take her hand, allowing her to lead me out of the truck, even though it's not a whole foot off the ground. "You good?" Chloe asks once I'm safely out. "Yep," I reply cheerfully, even though the quick step down gave me a headache. "Well then. Let's meet the parents," she says, grabbing my bags and closing the car door. I giggle a bit and follow her inside.

Joyce waits anxiously for me to sitting down until throwing her arms around me and hugging me as gently as she can, which even then is kinda tight. "Ha, it's good to see you too Joyce," I say once she releases me. "*sniff* Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, I'm just so glad you're alright. We were all so worried 'bout you," she says, drying her eyes. Chloe shoots her mother a look as if saying: don't say too much. "It's good to know people care," I say, then add quietly, "Some more than others". I meant it as a joke because my parents haven't really been around since the shooting, but... everyone take it seriously. "Uh... *ahem* w-what do you say we head upstairs and put your stuff away." Chloe says, gesturing to the bag in her hand. Joyce nods, "Yes, why don't you two go do that. I'll put whip something up for lunch in the meantime". I let out a sigh, shifting nervously in my seat at the awkwardness I created. Way to go, Max. Invite everyone to your pity party. "How you holding up, there Maxie?" Chloe says. I shrug, feeling myself shutting out the world again. "Well, come on... let's go upstairs and chill for a bit," She says, reaching out to me. I ignore her outreached hand and stand up on my own, despite sending a sharp pain throughout my abdomen. "Take it easy, Max... don't force yourself," Chloe says, seeing my pained expression. "I'm fine, Chloe... h- honest," I say, leaning up against the couch until the pain passes. Something about this trip upstairs feels different, but I can't put my finger on what it is. I turn to Chloe and look her up and down, she looks... well, different. She's not in her normal shredded jeans and tank top, she hasn't been for the past few weeks now that I think about it. Her wardrobe now mainly consists of plain tee- shirts and faded jeans. Hmm.... As we walk up to the door, it too seems different... there's no graffiti or posters. But then again, this is a whole nother reality and I technically haven't been here in 5 years. Chloe seems to notice my slight confusion and clears her throat, "So, uh... my room looks a lot different than the last time you saw it so... fair warning,". I nod, knowing what a trainwreck her room is. When I walk inside I smile, seeing that everything is basically the same except for a few key things. All the trash, boxes, beer bottles, cigarette butts, and the smell of weed have vanished, leaving the room open. My little couch; the one from my dorm, rests at the edge of the bed, acting as a footboard. I vaguely remember allowing Chloe to clear out my dorm when the town shut down Blackwell after everything went down. "Wow, Chloe... this... this isn't wasn't at all what I was expecting," I say, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Yeah... I know," she replies shyly, "I thought you should come home to a welcoming environment... so, I straightened up a bit, moved things around... feng-shui ya know?". I nod again, watching as Chloe comes up and sits next to me, wrapping her arm around me gently. I sigh and cuddle up beside her. "Tired?". "A bit?". "Well, it's been a long day," she says, "you're welcome to take a nap if you want... I think I'm going to help mom with lunch,". "Could you stay for a bit," I ask even though she's not leaving yet, "At least 'till I fall asleep?". She smiles, "Huh, sure... need help changing?". I nod and blush a bit because that's another thing I can't do on my own. "Go find something to wear while I watch the door," Chloe says as she gets up and leans up against the door. "Wait," I say, carefully leaning over and grabbing my bag, "Can't you just lock the door or...". "Yeah... 'bout that. Joyce says there are no locked doors as long as we're in the house together... it's like she thinks we're gonna do the nasty or something,". We look at each other with sly grins before snickering to ourselves. I sigh, looking around the room wearily as if looking for something. "The cameras are gone, if that's what you're looking for," Chloe says, pointing to one of the vents, "I made David remove them," "Oh," I reply quietly, standing up with Chloe's help. My cheeks grow red when we face each other, why am I so nervous all of a sudden? I've dressed in front of Chloe loads of times as a kid... so what makes it so weird now? "Uh, would you mind if I try dressing myself?" I ask shyly. "Sure... uh... want me to leave or...". "No, you can stay just.... Don't look maybe?". Chloe nods and turns away, walking back to the door with embarrassment covering her face. I sigh to myself and lift my shirt up a little, testing how long it'll take for me to react to the pain. The answer is immediately and I have to hold my breath to prevent myself from crying out in pain. I continue to lift my shirt and a small, almost inaudible cry escapes my lips. Chloe hears it and shifts around a bit on her feet, "Sure you're alright?". "Yeah," I breathe out. I try to move faster but fall to my knees as pain once more explodes in my gut, another pitiful cry leaving my lips. Chloe spins around and gasps a little when she sees me. "Shit, Max!". She slides up to me on her knees and grabs me by the shoulders. I grab her arms and hold on to her like she's the only thing keeping me from losing myself entirely. "I- I'm fine... I- I just... I need...". "What... what do you need, Max? Tell me," Chloe says, clearly determined to find out what's ailing me. I sigh out a shaky breath... "I need help,". She looks a little shocked but allows me to continue. "I- I can't... move... certain ways without...hurting myself,". I lift the corner of my shirt to reveal the scar and mutilated skin surrounding it, "T- the doctors... kept saying that... I'd have some nerve damage but... I- I didn't want to believe them b-because that would mean I m-might... n-never do some things on my own ever again a- and I... I...". I can't keep myself from crying anymore and I start tearing up which makes Chloe seem even more concerned and almost weepy. Her hand extends out towards me and I instinctively move back but then relax... somehow sensing that she needs to do this. Her hands are cold and clammy and I can feel them shaking as she rests it lightly over the scar. I wince slightly which makes her recoil. "I- I...," Chloe mumbles, her voice thin and shaky, "I'm *gulp* I'm s- so sorry, Max. I- I did this to you... this is all my fault, It's my fault. I- I hurt you... I- I...". Her voice finally breaks and she breaks down before my eyes. I've never seen her cry this hard before.... Not in this, or any other reality.... And she's crying for me. "Why did you do it, Max? W- why did you choose me... I'm not a good person.... I don't get it... I don't know what you see in me,". I blink, trying to hold back more tears from leaving my eyes, "C- Chloe. I- I fell in love with you and I-". "Which me was that, Max?". Then I get it... this isn't my Chloe... and I'm not her Max. "Look, I am in love with you and I want to spend my life with you but, I think you should get to know this me first,". "Yes, yes, I'll do anything! J-just don't leave me!" I cry frantically, grabbing her and hugging her tightly against my body. "What?! Max, I... I'm not going to leave you. I just said I was going to spend the rest of my life with you," Chloe says, trying to pry me off of her. I just hold on tighter and continue to cry, feeling another flashback cloud my thoughts, "I- I don't want to do this, Chloe! D-don't make me do this... I- I can't lose you again... I won't, I won't!". "Max, what are you talking about? I'm not making you do anything," Chloe tries to reassure me, but her voice and presence fade as reality seems to melt around me. I can almost hear the wind whirling around me and feel the ice cold rain striking my skin as I stand on the cliff with one of the many Chloes I'd created during the course of the week. I start shivering violently from the cold even though it only exists in my mind. "Max?". "I won't let you go, Chloe. I won't. I'll find a way to bring you back!" I continue, clutching my hands to my head. "No...no no no no no, I won't trade you!". "Max!". Something thuds to the ground and footsteps echo away from me as Chloe calls out for help. Everything is so cold and the wind is so loud... I- I don't know what to do. Everything is too much. I curl up into a tight ball, continuing to grab at my head and ears. My head and heart are pounding as my panic seems to climax until... everything goes black.

As is it's at the snap of a finger, I jolt awake instantly, panicking slightly. It takes me a moment to figure out where I am... I've been moved from Chloe's room to the living room downstairs. I must have blacked out, which is usually what happens after I have a major panic attack. "Dammit," I mutter, punching one of the couch cushions. I'm never going to get better if this keeps happening to me. I sigh sharply and slowly swing my legs around up off the couch, taking my time to get up. It's starting to get dark, so I figure I've been out for at least a few hours. I find myself heading towards the kitchen, following the voices that flow out of the room. I stand silently at the doorway, using the frame for support and just watch as Chloe and her mother work quietly around each other. "How are you holding up, sweetie?" Joyce asks, caressing her daughter's back. She shrugs and leans all her weight on the counter, "I'm here.... So, I'm okay, I guess,". "Max'll be fine. She's tough like you,". Chloe sighs again and continues to scrub at the counter, "I know... I just wish I could help her, that's all,". I sigh inwardly, sad that I made Chloe fret so badly... and over me. She's so strong, but lately Chloe's shown me a side of her personality that's vulnerable and insecure. She's my strength and I'm her weakness.... Is... is this how love is supposed to work? "Hiya, sweetie... feelin' any better?" Joyce says when she realizes my presence. I nod and turn to Chloe waiting for her to respond to my awakening. She looks over at me wide-eyed and smiles, "Max!". I jump unintentionally at the intensity and excitement in her voice, my nerves not quite back to the way they're supposed to be. "H- hi, Chloe," I mutter weakly, hugging my partner when she comes up embraces me. "Shit, Max... what happened? Are you okay, you totally blacked out. I thought..." Chloe stops, seeing my dazed expression, her words not exactly computing in my head at the rate they're coming out. "I'm... okay," I say softly, pulling myself away from her. "Chloe, give the poor girl some space," Joyce scalds, "She clearly still needs a little time to wake up and readjust,". Chloe turns back to me and asks if I need a few minutes to collect my thoughts before joining everyone back for dinner. I nod slowly and allow her to give me a quick peck on the cheek, "Yeah... just... give me a bit,". "Cool, cool... now, uh...," Chloe says, seeming nervous all of a sudden, " Are you sure you're okay? D- do you need anything, some food, water? I uh...*sigh* sorry,". I giggle lightly and hug her gently, knowing that she's still worried about me, "I'm fine, Chloe... remember what I told you... I... I got this,". She sighs and breathes deeply into my hair, sending a light shiver throughout my body. "I love you," she whispers. I smile again and bury my face into her shirt, "Me too,". Joyce sighs wistfully when she turns and sees us in each other's arms, "Oh, young love. I remember a time when me and your father were lovestruck fools,". "Which one?" Chloe asks innocently, wondering which of her technical two fathers her mother was referring to. "Both, actually. William was always a charmer as you both know,". Chloe and I nod, remembering what a sweetheart her first husband was. "And as hard as it may be to imagine David being romantic, he has his own ways of showin' his love,". Does that include abusing his own step-daughter? I want to say but don't because Chloe and David already buried that hatchet and I don't want to be the one to bring up the past. But I'll never forget that he hit or tried to hit Chloe on multiple occasions. At some point I'll have to forgive him fully, but... for now, all that's keeping me from going off on him again is that he saved my life twice, cried when I told him that Jefferson had killed Chloe in one of the alternate realities and the fact that he actually does care about his family. "Max?" Chloe whispers, bringing me back into reality, I blink and pull away a bit, "I'm here... just thinking. I um, I'll be with you in a little bit, okay?". Chloe nods and kisses the top of my head, "Alright, Just hurry back, dinner'll be ready in a bit,". I nod a little and push off, making my way back into the small dim living room. I grab my phone and plop down on the couch, filtering through my texts quickly, picking out a few from my parents wishing me well after the day's incident. The least they could do is call me, I think, seeing that I have no missed calls aside from the ones Warren has been leaving me. That boy still thinks Chloe and I are just gal pals even though we've been together for almost 2 months now. Wow... it's been 2 months since the shooting... *sigh*. I shake my head, not really wanting to relive the occurrences of that day. Anyways, I pocket my phone and lean back, closing my eyes and sighing deeply. The world slowly seems to been flowing around me as I nod off for a bit. I only open my eyes when I hear someone shuffle up behind me, "David?". He must have gotten home when I was out cold. "Heya, Max. How are you?" he asks, seeming concerned. I muster up a light smile and turn to him slowly, "I'm here,". He nods understandably, "Well, I'm glad to see you're okay. Not a lot of people can handle intense flash like the one's you're experiencing,". I nod again, knowing that he knows about my slight post-traumatic stress. "Come one, kid. Let's not leave our girls waitin',". I smile, glad that David somewhat knows of me and Chloe's strong bond. Oh please, you know very well David knows about your relationship with his daughter... he saw you two kiss. And Joyce has made it clear she wants no 'funny business' In the house, at least, not without fair warning. With David's help, I get up and let him lead me over to the kitchen table where Chloe and Joyce are setting out tonight's meal. It's a hearty meal of pot roast, mashed potatoes and an assortment of vegetables, a little somethin' to put the meat back on your bones, I can almost hear Joyce saying. I smile a little and sit down, suddenly remembering how Chloe once commented how I ate like a pig when she snuck a couple of Twinkie Bars into my hospital room. I couldn't help myself, it felt like forever since I actually let myself relax and enjoy something as simple as a fucking piece of food. I sigh and try to regain the appetite I once had but to no avail. All I end up doing is pushing my tiny (and lemme put extra emphasis on tiny) helping of food around my plate and sighing at the worried looks Chloe keeps giving me. Just to ease her nerves a little, I forcibly take a few bites of my mashed potatoes which, despite being loaded with butter, tastes like paste. Chloe sees my effort and gives my shoulder a light, loving squeeze. "It's okay, Max. I... I'll put together something for you in a bit," she says, referring to the practically endless amount of Chicken Soup she'd make for me for the first few weeks of my recovery. That was one of the only things I was able to hold down. Ya know, with the whole shot in the gut thing... I mean, from what I heard, the bullet did hit a part of my stomach which is why I have trouble eating certain foods... that's why I have trouble eating in general. "Chloe? Actually cooking somethin'? Huh, better keep 9-1-1 on the phone," David says with a hearty laugh. Chloe smirks and sticks her tongue out at her step-father... father, I correct, remembering how Chloe personally asked me to start referring to him as such. It's ironic how now I'm the one who can't quite stand him. As everybody eats around me, I start feeling very awkward and almost out of place. I close my eyes and just wait, listening to the Price/Madsen family resume their meal. The clanking of silverware suddenly seems... so loud, and sharp, ear-piercing almost. Oh, no... please not right now, I think, getting a sinking feeling in my stomach. I open my eyes again... and sure enough, I'm back in that fucking bathroom. I hold my breath and wait for it to be over but I'm just standing there alone and wait for the shot that I know never comes, It's the anticipation that's unnerving. My hands start shaking and I find it harder and harder to breathe, like the walls are suddenly closing in all around me. I shut my eyes again, I'm safe I'm safe I'm safe... think of Mom and Dad....think of home, of Joyce and David, think of Chloe... think of Chloe, Chloe. I stand up abruptly, opening my eyes again and only seeing true reality, "Can I be excused?". Everybody jumps at my sudden movement and looks at me funny, "Uh, of course, darlin' everything okay?" Joyce says, shooting Chloe a look. I nod, "Yeah... I need to take a breather, maybe... splash water on my face,". I shudder, remembering saying those exact words in another reality. Chloe grabs my arm as I pass by, "Whoa, Max, you okay? You look totally pale,". I shudder again, "I'm fine... j-just... I just need a minute alone, c- collect my thoughts,". She nods wearily and releases me. I shuffle upstairs, the pain in my side flaring up slightly. Just relax, just relax. Don't panic, don't panic... you'll only make it worse, I scream at myself as I enter the small bathroom and lock the door behind me. I rip off my hoodie and head to the sink, splashing what feels like gallons of ice cold water on my face, until I can barely feel anything. "Fuck these panic attacks... fuck this wound... f-fuck everything!" I mumble angrily, towelling my face dry. I sigh and stare at myself in the mirror once again, "Why me? What... what makes me so special?". Why does it feel like the universe is trying to dick me over, and for what? I stopped the tornado, I saved lives, I saved Chloe's life and that's all that matters... right? "She's safe. That's all that matters," I say aloud, closing my eyes, "Chloe is all that matters,". "Huh, I wouldn't say that... I think you're just as important as anyone," a voice says behind me. I jump nearly a foot and somehow manage to not scream, "Chloe! H-holy shit... d-don't fucking... sneak up on me like that!" I say, turning to face my girlfriend as she leans casually up against the door frame, "How did you get in her anyways? I locked the door,". "You forget my badass lock picking skills," She replies, showing me a bent paperclip. I can't help but smile, "Hmm, god, you're a hand full,". "I know and I'm your handful and you're stuck with me," Chloe says, coming up and holding me in a tender embrace. "Are you sure you're alright? You seem kinda out of it... y- you had another flashback at the table didn't you?". I nod slightly, "It was a little one... I- I was fine,". She holds me a little tighter, "Please don't lie to me, Max... you know I can always tell when you're lying,". I sigh sharply and push away from her a little, "So what if I lie a little... I- I'm just trying to protect you,". "From what? I- I get nightmares all the time, Max. Of you. Dying. And don't I tell you about what I saw?". I nod slowly. "So why can't you do the same for me?". "I- I don't know... i- it's hard for me to talk to you about things that happened to us... things you don't remember. I-" I choke on a half cough half cry, "Y-you said those moments between us were real a- and they'll always be ours b- but they're not... they're mine and I just...". "Hey, hey, hey," Chloe says, holding me again as I cry pitifully into her shirt, "It's okay. I... I know you're having trouble... adjusting to this... reality but... but you can't lose yourself in the process,". I just continue to cry, feeling like that's the only thing I can do right now. Chloe sighs deeply, blowing a stream of warm air over the top of my head. I shiver again. "C- can we just go to bed?" I squeak. "*sigh* You haven't eaten at all today, Max. Aren't you the least bit hungry?" Chloe asks as she starts brushing my hair with her fingers. I shrug, "The soup you offered sounded pretty good,". I can almost feel her smile with relief, "I'll get to it right away,". "No," I say, pulling away a little, looking up into my partner's icy blue eyes. "C- can you... stay up here with me? I don't... I can't... *sigh* being places with a lot of noise... t-that kinda freaks me out... even if it's just with your family,". Chloe nods understandably, "I'll get mom to bring it up here, okay? We can... I don't know... watch TV while we wait?". I nod, picturing myself cuddling up next to Chloe... for the first time actually. Kinda hard to spoon when you're hooked up to a shitton of machines in a tiny hospital bed. "I see those gears turning... what are you thinking, Maxi Pad?". I giggle, "I'm thinking you need to lose that particular nickname,". "What?! No way, 'Maxi Pad' is a classic... remember how you got it?" Chloe says wiggling her eyebrows mischievously. I put my hand up and cover her whole face, "Oh my god, you promised never to bring it up again!" I say with another giggle. Chloe's impish look grows as she licks my hand. I recoil in mock disgust, "Eww Chloe!". We laugh and playfully wrestle in each other's arms for a moment before resting our foreheads against one another. "I love you," she whispers. I smile and kiss her on the nose, "I love you more,". We stand there for a while, just enjoying each other's presence. "It everything okay up there you two?" Joyce calls from downstairs. "We're fine, Mom. But uh... think you could get some soup goin' for Max? I'ma stay up here with her if that's okay," Chloe says, rocking me on my feet. "That's fine, sweetie, and, Max, If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to ask Chloe for it. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to help you," Joyce continues. Chloe nods in confirmation, "I'm at your service, Maximus". I smile and nod, "Don't worry, Joyce. I've got everything I could ever need right here,".