#ahandfulofkeys

[ahandfulofkeys]

I always said, I didn't have to be the first priority.

But lately, I've been wondering how it feels like to be a priority, for once.

[gamerwoo]

random texts with best friend!seungmin

aka rocket trying to figure out how this stupid fake text app works and spending almost a full hour making these bc it kept glitching and crashing so if anyone has any other recommendations pls help a girl out 😔

warnings: humor, fluff, swearing, mild angst in one text but like not really

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[ahandfulofkeys]

John Wick was actually the movie series I've been asking you to watch with me for years now lol.

But whatever, it's already over & done with.

[ahandfulofkeys]

Grief is such a weird feeling..

For once in my life, I am completely lost.. Idk what to do with myself.. Idk what I SHOULD be doing with myself..

Been a caretaker for so long.. Adjusting my schedule, having my life revolve around it..

Now, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing..

I'm sad, that much is obvious. But I'm also completely & utterly lost..

[ahandfulofkeys]

I'll stop asking for your attention. I'll stop asking for more of your time. I'll stop asking for more than what you are willing to give.

I understand my place now.

I'll stay in my place.

[ahandfulofkeys]

Lol, so much for "understanding"

Whatever. You just proved me right when I said your days off are solely dedicated to hanging out with friends.

Don't even deny it lol, you've already proven it multiple times.

Today was another example.

I asked you to hang with me & my cousins. You said you'd rather stay home cause of your car. I OFFERED for you to come, I was willing to pay for a lyft or ask them to pick you up. You said no.

They do the exact same thing to hang out at their house, you only hesitate cause you realized you upsetted me.

Lol, those conversations were pointless.

From now on, I won't ask to hang out with you on your days off. I have to remind myself those days are reserved for friends. I'll make do with the limited time during the week, in between work.

I don't even know why I have to basically beg to hang out with, as your girlfriend. It's just humiliating at this point.

[ahandfulofkeys]

I wonder if you've finally gotten bored of me,

If you've finally had enough,

If you realize you deserve better..

When you finally realize that it's all true, I wish you happiness.

[ahandfulofkeys]

I'll just state what's on my mind here, pretending you're listening to me. Pretending someone will actually hear me out.

I am exhausted. Not just from work. From everything.

It's actually getting harder & harder to wake up every day.

Lately, I've been secretly hoping NEVER to wake up.

Because, so what if I don't wake up?

What difference will it make?

One less burdensome thing to worry about.

It's such an insignificant difference, anyway? So it shouldn't matter.

I hope that when that day comes, everyone has their own happiness.

[ahandfulofkeys]

I talk too much...

(But, every time I talk, it's always bad timing)

In the morning? You're tired from work & I have to get to work.

In the car? Too tired from work or you just woke up.

At home, while eating? Information overload, cause of your game or discord.

After eating? Need to sleep for work.

When you wake up? Need to get ready/running late from work.

On your days off? Getting ready to hang out with friends. Out with friends. Or sleeping a hangover away..

While out with friends? Too busy to answer & I need to work on my problems.

But, I talk too much.

[ahandfulofkeys]

Now Playing: Stray Kids Han - Alien

You made me feel like an outsider in our relationship.

You made sure I felt like an outsider in our “friend” group.

You instilled in me that they were YOUR friends, not mine.

You instilled in me that they’re looking out for you, never me.

You instilled in me that I have no part or belong to that group.

You made sure you left me feeling vulnerable & alone.

You embarrassed me & made sure I felt it.

[ahandfulofkeys]

I'm with my friends and if it makes you uncomfortable than work on it.

That statement right there is a complete disregard to me. You completely disregarded me as a person. Completely disregarded me as someone is supposedly friends with them as well.

I wasn't mad at you for going out & hanging out. Idk how many times I have to emphasize than I never cared about that at all.

I was mad cause you couldn't even give me the courtesy of communicating with me. You told me you left your phone 2 hours after I texted you..

You said you realized you left your phone half way through the drive.. But you couldn't have had the courtesy to ask her to notify me that you didn't have your phone?

I don't expect you to text me every hour, but I still expected common courtesy..

And when I asked for clarification, cause I was confused, I was the bad guy..

[ahandfulofkeys]

How do you expect me to understand you when I get told nothing?

Your friends have easy access to the door you keep locked. Meanwhile, I have to jump through loops, just to get a glimpse of the key.

Also, thank you for the clarification that they are not my friends, but yours.

[ahandfulofkeys]

You cornered me.

Patronized me.

Disregarded how I was feeling.

And made me feel uncomfortable.

But now I'm questioning, are they really my friends?

You were adamant about saying "my friends" - meaning your friends, not 'ours.'

I got texted saying they hoped everything was okay cause you were sad & to talk it out. But not once was I asked if I was okay or why I was upset.

You had me on speaker, in the middle of the living room, refusing to let me talk & patronized me.

And all I could think about was you were right.

They are YOUR friends. They're not mine. That's why you acted the way you did, when you were in front of them.

It didn't matter that I was upset, it didn't matter why I was upset. All that mattered was you were upset because of it & all your friends saw.

So you patronized me, for them to hear how much of a crazy psycho I actually was, right?

So they could hear how I actually am, right?

And now I don't know how to process that.. And the thought of being around anyone makes me uncomfortable..

[ahandfulofkeys]

That was so unfair on your end.

You keep saying you want me to hear & understand you, but you don't even reciprocate it.

It's not fair for you to say I don't do anything for you.

It's not fair, that I don't know anything, because you refuse to let me in.

It's unfair that you would throw that in my face.

That whole phone call just made me uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable, talking to you.

Uncomfortable, seeing our friends.

But then again, you said it yourself, they're "your" friends. They're not "my" friends.

Thank you for that.

I told you I had separation anxiety, I told you I was feeling FOMO.

You know situations like that make me anxious, yet, you still did it.

That's what I mean as an afterthought.

You completely disregarding everything that I mention to you.

And when I bring it to your attention, I get disregarded.

And it's unfair for you to tell me to work on myself the way you did, when you're the first person to know that's what I've been trying to do.

You just completely disregarded all my efforts to work on myself.

You just completely disregarded everything.

It's not fair.

For the first since I've known you, you made me feel really uncomfortable.

[ahandfulofkeys]

Sunday, March 5, 2023 01:00 am

You know what I hate the most?

You turned me into the type of person I hated.

I hate having separation anxiety.

And I especially hate having FOMO.

I was perfectly fine, without hanging out with everyone, & just being home.

But your actions made me have FOMO.

And I wanna hate you for it.

I called you, earlier during the day, cause I felt like I was having separation anxiety from you & feeling FOMO cause I had shit to do & couldn't go out.

I've talked to you multiple times within the year about how your actions made me feel.

How I felt neglected, ignored, the last priority, an afterthought.

You "promised" to work on it. Yet, every single week, without fail, it's like you completely forgot what we talked about.

You said you're "still learning," but after 12 years? Is there any effort there? Am I not enough for you to put even an once of effort in? It feels like you put more effort into our friends, than our relationship. Do I matter so little, to you, compared to our friends?

I meant what I said when I didn't care about being your priority, but I HATE being an afterthought

I hate the feeling that our friends matter more, or the feeling of them being more important cause of "timing."

I fckn hate it. And I'm slowly starting to hate you because of it. And I hate that.

You really think, I'm mad cause you weren't answering your texts?

You think I'm mad cause you forgot your phone?

I'm mad because if I didn't text you, I wouldn't get ANYTHING from you.

I'm mad because you wouldn't even tell me anything, if I didn't text you first.

"I'm telling you now" Yeah, cause I got mad & stated it was a chapter I knew nothing about. But if I didn't text you, would you have even said anything?

If I didn't get mad, would you even pay attention? You were so "caught up in the moment."

I'm mad, because ONCE AGAIN, I was left as an afterthought.

An afterthought, because you were "in the moment."

An afterthought, because "the timing wasn't right."

Every time I do something, I text you. Cause in my mind "Oh Drew might be curious/worried" (😑 I'm really only clowning myself)

Worse part?

Getting brushed off, every single time, without fail. Getting 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' and feeling like empty words.

I'm tired.

[ahandfulofkeys]

Timing.

You keep mentioning it's all about the timing.

I ask if I should time myself better, so I am able to talk you.

You say, nothing I can do about timing.

But, I'm with you 5 days of the week. I'm constantly trying to talk you. But is it still bad timing?

You stay at our friend's house for the weekend & tell them everything. Is it still bad timing?

Even when I'm there with you, you still refuse to talk. Is it still about timing?