#agentraccoon

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Me: I’m too sober for this shit *pours wine*

Luke: …uh Raccoon? It’s 9 am

Me: Shit you right *pours bourbon in coffee*

Me: Alright let’s go fuck up some psychopaths

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Me: Actually I was an Angel in court and I am very much ready for my treato

Rossi: Hotch said he already gave you your cookies

Me: obviously that’s a lie

Rossi: Then what’s the chocolate around your face

Hotch: She already ate her cookie

Me: ACCUSATIONS

Hotch: Actually she ran away with the bag and ate all the cookies

Me: FALSE ACCUSATIONS

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Me: *Driving 90 mph down the highway while on the phone with Matt* Hehe Weeee

Matt: No not Weeee because every time you say that someone has to come get you from jail

Matt: …I’m already on my way

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Me: I may not be hotchs favorite child but I am most certainly the one he calls when he needs some sketchy shit done.

JJ: *Sees Morgan enter the bull pen* About time the jet was going to leave without you

Morgan: Car wouldn’t start *Walks off*

JJ: …

Me: …

Me: …*Dumps various car thingybobbies on the table* I didn’t know what was important so I just pulled things out

Hotch: …this is why she’s my favorite

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

Me: *Desperately flopping to get out of air jail*

Derek: How the hell did you get contempt of court? You were in there literally 30 seconds

Me: I told the jury he was a sexual sadist who had to stab womens reproductive organs because he couldn’t get it up

Hotch: …which is not allowed

Me: BUT WAS I WRONG

Me: Anyway I ended up in jail jail and now Hotch has had me in air jail for the past 30 minutes because I tried to hit the guard

Me: ….I was probably made to be a problem honestly

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I just had the cutest idea ever with our little BAU family with their platonic aftercare of Agent Raccoon after a hard undercover mission. Like she goes undercover to catch a pedophile ring or something and afterwards she takes a shower to calm herself and I can just she her cuddled up on Emily’s lap while JJ brushes he hair for her. Spencer would read one of her favorite books to her while Penelope made her some herbal tea and ever let her drink out of her unicorn mug. Rossi would make her favorite pasta/dinner, Morgan would be standing behind her actively looking for threats with a bandaged hand because oopsies the unsub just happened to trip and fall into his outstretched first. Hotch would have some kind of undercover deal going on with the prison guards/DA where the unsub got stuck in general pop and oopsies they just happened to let it sleep that he was a child molester.

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Hotch: Raccoon why does Amazon think I want pornographic dark romance books?

Me: ….

Hotch: *Types on computer*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Hotch: recommending more bureau mandated therapy

Me: NO.

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

Strauss: Aaron, why did I just got a notification for the units credit card saying that it was approved for a 750 charge at barnes and noble?

Aaron: Because Raccoon is throwing a temper tantrum

Me: *Hiss*

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*Tara, Emily, and JJ whispering*

Raccoon: Oh are we shit talking?

Tara: More like trying to figure out how you haven’t realized Luke is in love with you

Raccoon (a Pisces): Annoyed maybe, love definitely not

Emily: Let’s test that theory then

Emily: Raccoon I was wondering if you could help me with my dream-

Luke (Little Sagittarius baby): *appears* This is my water sign get your own *throws Raccoon over his shoulder*

Raccoon: …I see your point

PS: I (Pisces) love my air (Gemini) and fire (Sagittarius) signs but can y’all please get a therapist because my therapist now needs a therapist because they are not equipped to handle my shit plus everyone else’s shit I have absorbed and have now made my shit. But also we ride at Dawn let’s go fuck some shit up.

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Luke: Raccoon? What does scary dog privilege mean?

Me: Me, I am scary dog privilege because I was absolutely go feral on someone. I am too under medicated and under caffeinated for this shit.

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Spencer: Keep it up and see where this behavior gets you

Me: Well it depends how close am I to crossing the line

Spencer: You see the crack in the tile, that’s the line

Me: *quite dramatically jumps over the line*

Me: …I have now decided this was not in my best interest and this is not going to end the way I want

Spencer: ….Absolutely not.

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

Kitty Agent Eris currently trying to figure out who could have possibly booped Roxy’s nose and bitten her tail because it surely wasn’t her.

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

Luke: Oh great you have a pet demon

Me: *Staring at kitten Eris* She’s just a baby

Eris: *Growls at Luke*

Luke: Pretty sure babies don’t growl and demons do

Me: SHE’S. JUST. A. BABY.

PS: Introducing Agent Raccoons side kick AKA Kitty Agent Eris Jane (she’s my little baby)