#again. i apologize of this is scatter brained. and want to emphasize i am NOT saying to get a physics degree chsjdjcjck

[deerest-me]

i offer the following information, under a readmore bc i just know im gonna ramble (and boy i sure did):

i am a (physics) PhD student for whom approximately 2/3rds of what you described holds. i.e., interdisciplinary work / education, acceptance of unorthodox students, but no vibrant culture (it is. pretty miserable. i work entirely remotely for now bc i became disabled during the pandemic, but at my school itself there is little to no community everyone says, and i can tell tbh. the lab i collaborate with is a different story! more on that later).

so, i started out as a pure math major at another institution (with a great, education focused faculty, and veryyyy warm and close department life. i miss it a lot). got a BS and MS, saw lots and lots of cool math (similar to you, took grad courses during undergrad, so i exhausted the whole course catalogue).

BUT! when it came time to decide what to do for my math PhD, i drew a blank. i liked everything! how was i supposed to choose? and mulling in the back of my mind is that i really liked physics and wanted to use my math ``superpowers'' for that. i had it in my mind that i wanted my research to be very mathy still, though!

so, i applied for a PhD program in physics, and ended up where i am now. i cant go into excessive detail about what it is i do, my research is specific enough that it would basically doxx me. the point is, though, ill talk about what i did to attain similar goals / requirements to what you described, and what i WISH i had done, potentially, to hit that mark even better.

so, what i do right now is basically mathematical modeling of an interesting optimization problem in the wonderful world of accelerator physics. it is, super applied, in that my work is about ONE SINGLE APPLICATION (well, a discrete family of single applications), but but but! the great part is it draws from so many research areas. fundamental physics knowledge is required because there is a beam of high energy particles involved, so all three standard model fundamental interactions are important, computational fluid dynamics bc fluids are there (aside: fluids are SUPER SUPER mathy. if you like analysis, probabilistic / stochastic descriptions, you could even just work in fluids directly), material science (things become irradiated), ANDDDD math because Bayesian optimization is being used, and i have made my own probabilistic models to describe parts of the problem. again... cant get too specific here.

not saying this to show off, bc you might notice that although i apply pure math knowledge (e.g. convergence theorems for Bayes Opt, knowledge of PDEs for doing CFD, etc) there is no room to do actual proof writing, and man do i miss that. this brings me to my first two pieces of advice:

1) getting a graduate math education and then going into physics/engineering for applications is a method that works to cover a lot of interests. you will be treated like an eldritch wizard by your colleagues. unfortunately you ``have'' to give up proof writing with this method.

2) it's harder to avoid specialization if you come in through the math side. you will get proof writing and get to see actual fancy stuff (group theory applications in graduate physics courses were. disappointing, quite frankly. let alone getting hopf algebras involved like i always dreamed) the tradeoff is not having as broad of a scope as if you are working on an application. interdisciplinary math is real and possible, but not as expansive as interdisciplinary physics/engineering. less related, but funding is also worse. while i am ``unemployed'' at the moment until my contract gets renewed (any day now) i get paid a lot better in physics than in math. just putting that out there.

the reason i have this setup, though, is that i collaborate with a national lab. and that arrangement... is really good. better funding, and, if school department life sucks, there is usually more life / activities at the laboratory!! certainly the case with my lab, and you work with lots of different people even in one group. also, better work culture than one advisor and one grad student locked in a concrete box in a university basement together.

the tricky part, is labs usually (usually) look for physics or engineering students first. there are still lots of things for math people to do, though! examples of labs / govt agencies that use math especially: NIST in colorado and maryland, NOAA (weather modelling rules. dynamical systems and chaos theory and multiscale modeling EVERYWHERE), Argonne National Lab (they have a whole mathematics and computing division i know), and probably even more that i cant remember. every single DoE lab has use for math people, but some are more fruitful, if that makes sense. in private i can tell you about my lab in particular, if you have questions.

also, i find with my current work that mathematical modeling is the skill i use the most. actual physics stuff usually is second, interestingly enough. this leads me to my next piece of advice:

3) regardless of being a math or physics major, consider looking for a professor with ties to a major laboratory. government preferably. the pay and work culture are better, and the potential of making friends is MUCH higher. it also makes you feel kinda cool. also, if you are a person who likes to learn a lot, they make for great employers. basically, once you get hired / in with a national lab, they will want to keep you on as a postdoc or permanent employee if you let them. so, you have the opportunity to work on lots of projects and move around in your research interests. SO, LONG STORY SHORT: profs which collaborate with labs are found in math and physics faculty, and doing your PhD at a lab has a lot of benefits.

so far i have probably come across as biased toward what i did, so ill just say what i regret about my choices:

i wish i had tried to find a similar setup with a lab, but coming from the math side. it would be slightly more satisfying i think, but is harder to pull off.

physics is more interesting when taught from a mathematical perspective, but that is almost NEVER going to happen in a physics classroom. you will have to supply that perspective yourself almost certainly, unless you are lucky and take a class in a math department on physics. they exist but are super rare.

so, these are negatives to leaving math to accomplish the goal of being interdisciplinary.

otherwise, though? i have been able to hit most of the three targets that both you and i were looking for. community is lacking at my current school (so watch out for soul-crushing technical institutes) but that can be resolved by working at a lab, where there is a healthier work culture usually. the specifics of what you want to research and work on are probably different for you and me, and so i hope this wasnt too ramble-y and biased. i want to emphasize that doing math at labs is not just for physics-y applications, there are lots of opportunities at the aforementioned places.

ive layered some mention of accommodation in the above, but to talk directly for a moment: schools are better about this now. and a lab work structure will usually make it better (im part of a disability advocacy group at my lab, and having bosses and coworkers and such usually makes it less focused on YOU, SPECIFICALLY, needing to get everything done RIGHT NOW). your idea of finding a professor first is a great one: if they are comfortable with discussing it that usually already weeds out the people who wont be good about it.

disability is always tricky, and i was super worried about how it would affect my work, but people have treated me well so far. so, if you vet people for that like youre saying, you will likely have a good situation.

anyways. i hope this could be of some help. i dont know if it is lol. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR ENDEAVORS---I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND SOMETHING GOOD!!

and finally, four miscellaneous incredibly specific pieces of advice:

w) mathematical physics is an interesting area. it is more math than physics. fascinating problems. cleaning up sloppy arguments and math by physicists to get something actual coherent and sensible is the main idea. PROBLEM: i couldnt find many places that do it. for one university i applied to (fairly big name) their math dept had ONE mathematical physicist, and he turned out to be a crank. like, serious crankery.

x) check out the engineering applied mathematics program at Northwestern in Illinois. it's a Math graduate program (Math with a capital M) but they are super interdisciplinary. i have no idea about the work culture, but i THIIINK the department is on the close knit side too. really thought about going there, and might have been better in some respects.

y) seriously consider fluids. again, not sure if you prefer analysis, but it is a really cool subfield of math. BEAUTIFUL pictures are part of the job. dont mean to oversell it but everyone kind of forgets about it because turbulence is a famously unsolved problem. Kolmogorov made major progress on it

z) if beam physics excites you, there is a super mathy area, known as Lie exponential transfer maps. this is really theoretical work that gets applied to make accelerator simulation codes, so it marries lie algebras, particle accelerators, and computer programming. people at university of maryland have a research group for it, and they have a tight department community last i heard.

and finally, general graduate life advice:

dont discount small name universities. they treat you better.

So, I think I'm finally going to apply to grad school for math!

But there are a few issues!

One issue is that I've got pretty severe ADHD. I think that means I ought to look for a professor first, and a school second. I think I need to find a particularly accommodating professor who's willing to take on unorthodox Ph.D. students.

Then there's the issue of: well, what do you want to do research in? And honestly, I kind of want to spend some time learning a lot of things in multiple areas of math. I already have a lot of exposure from taking mostly grad courses in undergrad, but I want to understand things more deeply. I don't want to be tied down to a specific area; generally, I'm interested in: understanding complex systems; connections between different fields of math; the foundations of "abstract nonsense"; fundamental theoretical physics; the places where group & representation & number theory come together; computer realizations of mathematical practice (UX for actually doing math research, knowledge organization, and formalization); and some more "philosophically-oriented" things which tend not to be part of any named fields. I've also got interdisciplinary inclinations and have some budding interest in nanotechnology; and I'd like to be in a place that mixes everything together, and exposes me to even more things to be interested in.

So really, I'm looking for either a professor or two who are also interested in all sorts of things, or a department that allows you the freedom to do all of this stuff at once! A lot of Ph.D. programs seem to signal that they prize specialization, but that's just not an option for me. Sure, I'll do a thesis about a particular thing, but ideally it'll involve a lot of things!

And that's another crucial desideratum: I want a vibrant culture. Far too often I hear about grad experiences in which the grad students are working away in isolation without much community or energy. I want to be around people who are excited about all of the things I'm excited about!

So, three things: accommodations for unorthodox working style; encouragement of interdisciplinary/wide-ranging interests; and a vibrant, exciting culture.

This is really a diary/processing post, but feel free to consider it a request-for-info post—if you happen to have any helpful ideas or connections, pls don't hesitate to share! :D

(I could also use some advice on how to find what I'm looking for, including pointers to groups of like-minded people or places to ask questions. Right now my strategy is "read the faculty bios on university websites, see if anything jumps out, and cold-email the professors", which, you know. We'll see how that goes.)

[zara-renata]

i just read “not my type” and i am so excited of their relationship progression.

(post-yapping insert: also, i would like to apologize for consistently using she/her pronouns when referring to your mc, even though the fic specifies the usage of gender-neutral ones. i genuinely am just so used to using she/her because of the mc i’ve made up in my head for fics and in-game. please let me know if you prefer i use they/them when rambling about your fics going forward!)

i couldn’t help but find mc’s friendship with xavier so sweet in this. (i emphasize friendship because i’m 100% a sylus x mc shipper ✋🧎‍♀️) i love how xavier really took time to hang out with her, especially considering how messy her mental and physical states have been as of late.

true to canon lore, i love how mc goes to the arcade frequently!! her competitive streak, even against children and teenagers, is so telling of how petty and childish she can be, which i really find funny and endearing. and i think it’s good for her to have an… outlet… for her feelings, even if it’s at the expense of unsuspecting younglings. she’s such a loser (affectionate) 😭

compared to the previous fics, i can really feel the distance between sylus and mc here, at least from mc’s pov. when realing sylus’s pov, it’s so easy to see how committed he is to her. but now in mc’s pov again with her self-deprecating tendencies, she truly doesn’t see the true intentions behind his actions. tbf, he seems to be taking a step back on the straightforward font with this one, waiting for her to ask questions first rather than dropping info straight up. and with how scattered mc’s mind usually is, that can be… not good. like:

“The person he’s describing sounds fascinating, and the perfect match for him. He'll never get bored with them, and maybe their goodness will rub off on him. Good for him. You had wanted to be friends with him, right?”

“If it’s heads, you’ll walk away from him and the life that allows him access to you. If it’s tails, you’ll ask him who these people were tonight and whether he has a partner. You’ll be his friend, no matter what, and close off that needy, delusional part of yourself that hopes for more from him, and you’ll never think of it again.”

these were so heartbreaking to read. i was just mentally berating sylus to do something!! he truly miscalculated a lot of things and is pushing away mc as a result. and i’m not even sure if he’s doing it on purpose or not 🧎‍♀️ like bro ya girl’s overthinker and dense tendencies are acting up – do something about it 🤦‍♀️ i know she’s a strong professional hunter but even i felt the “ambush” kind of feeling once she entered the room with the unfamiliar people. because sylus didn’t somewhat introduce to mc the unfamiliar people in the room, she ended up getting caught up with her thoughts and running her mouth.

“I’m pretty sure you have enough security for your needs tonight. Let’s just call everything off, okay? No one owes anyone anything, and you can offer that favor to someone else.” You look at the girl, but she’s not smiling anymore—rather, she’s looking at you with… confused disgust? Fuck it’s hard to read people. Maybe she’s suffering from intestinal gas. Maybe Sylus carries around lactase tablets for both the twins and his girlfriend.

like 😭😭 the secondhand embarrassment is real with this one. and the frustration with sylus not helping her navigate the social setting is even realer

that said, i am now more excited to see how sylus deals with the aftermath of these miscalculations. the grovelling, the hurt/comfort… i eat that shit uppppp LMAO. mc’s brain truly is a labyrinth though (this girl has 1,000 thoughts per minute) and i’m just cheering on sylus for trying to navigate through it LOL

Aah I'm really glad you like this instalment! thank you SO MUCH AGAIN for reading and sharing all of your thoughts!!!

so first thing's first, i do not mind at all that you or anyone else refers to mc as she/her. the mc i write is gender neutral specifically because i want people to be able to imagine mc however they want, whether its the female character from canon or a big beefy guy and everyone in between. so if mc for you, is your mc from your game, then you can talk about her all you want to me. i'm much more interested in what's going on in mc's head than what's on the outside. if i call this mc they/them it's only because i think of those pronouns as a placeholder that the reader can fill in however they'd like.

i'm really glad you're enjoying xav's interactions, i think he's such a sweet little freak and love that he's mc's partner and as a result is close enough to probably be one of mc's closest friends, insofar as this mc allows others to get close. it's really fun to make him appear and also frustrate sylus's agenda.

and for real, in this part mc is definitely trying to create distance with sylus out of panicky self-protection, because sylus is probably the closest mc has let someone get to them in years, and to just taste a little bit of what mc thought was rejection after wine night was really a wake-up call for them to hit the brakes. and sylus, bless his heart, he did not count on his motorcycle being stolen after he invited mc out (which is their first time being out in public since the auction! he's low-key vibrating with looking forward to it! he had everything planned to a T, he just made a super quick stop to pick up some massage oil with essential oils good for relaxation and insomnia because he's in his delulu hours hoping he can use it sooner rather than later, walks back outside and his motorcycle is gone. because his luck is shit! and now he's got to track down the idiot who thought it was a good idea to steal his ride!) so like, he had planned to meet mc when mc arrived, or stalk mc through the security cameras or something so he'd know when to go fetch them personally, but then got caught up in dealing wih the thief. So yeah, mc was not prepared for the social setting by Sylus, but to be fair! mc ALSO did not stop and ask questions before unleashing those pent up feelings all over sylus and the other poor bastards in the room. while all of us reading may have suffered from second hand embarrassment, sylus is secure enough to just be like yes this is my chosen one, i'm so glad we're in the same room again, everyone bask in this gift my beloved brought me!!

sooo yesss, sylus is learning bit by bit that his approach will require finesse, that he done fucked up big time with how he treated mc during their first few days together, and hopefully the hurt/comfort will be delicious. i'm going to try my best to get it right!!!

thank you again, as always!!

[nad-zeta]

A Chance Encounter

Pairings: Vlad x Reader

Words: 1700+

Comments: Eeeeeek and so it continues hehehe! 🥺😳😳🌸//dances around! Cutie Appreciation weekend activates! hehe, hope ya enjoy love! Hehe thanks cutie for always indulging me with all my random spam and never failing to make me smile!😆❤❤❤🥺🥺 hehe sending alllll the sparkles! Hope you are taking care of yourself and taking it easy today! ✨🎉🎁🎂

.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’ .*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’･ﾟ｡.*:・’ﾟ: ｡.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’ .*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ

Amid the springtime season, your life was destined to change forever. To leave in a month but to stay an eternity. Something that you had never anticipated to happen when you had first arrived. Why you chose to remain persists to be a mystery. The door larch released after a month, yet standing before the grand oak door on the day of your supposed departure just felt off, felt wrong, felt almost as if you were going back to a word you did not truly belong in.

You never understood your own impulsive decision. Despite having befriended all the mansion’s residents and making a new home there, you felt lost, almost like a sense of searching, a longing type feeling, like you were still looking for a home—a place you belonged— a place where your heart would feel at peace.

With wistful eyes, you scanned the pages upon pages of poetry, looking for an answer, looking for comfort, but finding none. That is, until you first spotted him, striding past the bookstore window. Gaze catching sight of wisps of white hair dancing in the springtime breeze. Your heart latched forward, eyes following the figures until he was out of sight, yet the memory of him remained with you long after he had disappeared from view.

Eyes focusing back on the book of poems before you, you almost had to laugh at the poem emanating from the pages, it certainly had your hopeless romantic mind running away from you— giving hope for an answer soon to be solved. Regardless you smiled at the little poem leaving a flower bookmark in place to remember.

‘Well, from the moment I first saw you,

there was a spark of peace and mutual energy

that will forever rest inside my brain and in my thoughts.

It was so strong that I constantly think about it

and wonder if that is something

that could be permanent for me rather than a brief moment of interaction,

a brief exchange of hope and energy.

I couldn’t help myself but to be close to you,

someway- somehow.

I believe there are only a handful of people

that come across your path

that can make you feel more than simply human.

You, yes you, you make me feel alive, hopeful, and assured

that there is more out there.'

Weeks had gone by, and still, you had not come across the white-haired stranger again, the memory of him steadily fading from your mind as daily tasks occupied your time. The newest of the errands being to pick up a dozen fresh sunflowers to celebrate the resident angel’s birthday.

With a ring of the bell above the carved mahogany door you entered into the local flower shop—a quaint little shop in the middle of the busy Parisian streets. The storefront perfectly decorated with scatters of seasonal summer flowers, enticing any person passing by to visit the floral boutique. And the inside of the store was every bit as welcoming, with flowers littered on every corner of the store, drawing your eyes about.

“Welcome, can I help you with anything,” the quiet voice came blooming from the front of the shop, drawing your attention away from the delicate blue flowers and deeper into the workshop.

A tiny gasp left your lips when you finally realized that the source of the gentle voice was from the very man who had been plaguing your mind for weeks now.

You took a few clumsy steps towards the front counter, heart hammering in your chest. You felt silly for having a crush on a man you had never even uttered as much as two words to, yet here you were— Legs heavy as led, pulse racing, and sweat dripping down your back.

Your mind swam with a million thoughts, yet your mouth refused to speak. The delicate man raised a brow at you, head tilting curiously to the side as you slowly made your way closer. You trained your gaze down, fingertips nervously playing with the seams of your sleeves as you finally mustered up the courage to stutter out your request, “I-I uh, am here to pick up an o-order.”

Your eyes finally drifted up to catch sight of the slither of a smile ghosting across his lips, and you swore your heart melted then and there. Vlad’s eyes twinkled in amusement as he watched your face flush, ‘cute,’ he thought as he leaned down to grab hold of the order book.

“Ah, let me just find it for you.” He carefully placed the book down on the table before his gaze returned to yours, “your name?” he asked politely.

“Van Gogh,” you practically yelled out, eyes widening— appalled at yourself for the sudden outburst. You gripped your sleeves, knuckles white, wishing the ground would spare you the embarrassment and just swallow you whole.

“I-i mean, the order is under van Gogh, my name isn’t van Gogh” you awkwardly corrected, wanting nothing more than to bang your head against the table in mortification— but then it reached your ears—the sound of his soft melodious laughter slicing through the tension.

His laughter was light and airy, like the gentle summer breeze ringing like the garden chimes. It sparked the memory of a poem you had come across, bringing a whole new meaning into your life.

“Calm the winds as angels sing.

Lovers’ tune and flowers bring

little buds caressed by dew

sending pretty thoughts of you.”

“Sunflowers,” he stated between huffs of delicate laughter, closing the book and making his way to the backroom to retrieve your order.

The moment he was out of sight, your hands shot up to cover your warming cheeks; you felt like a schoolgirl being confronted by her crush. Keep it together, you hissed to yourself, eyes squeezing tightly together as you tried your best to focus your mind on the business at hand.

The sound of his tender voice broke the silence once more as he returned carrying a dozen bright yellow sunflowers in his arms, “adoration, loyalty and longevity.”

“What?” you questioned, eyes bright with curiously as fingers fidgeted with the strands of hair framing your face— in an attempt to calm your restless heart.

“The meaning of the flowers, adoration, loyalty and longevity,” he repeated happily, placing the flowers down on the counter. There was a beat of silence before you came back to your senses, realizing that you needed to pay the man. The soft smile never once left Vlad’s face as he watched you nervously scrabble around for the coins to pay for the order.

Finally, you found the pouch of money Sabastian had given you to pay for the flowers, and thrust it out towards the man, eyes meeting his crimson reds. They were beyond stunning, shining in childlike mischief yet holding an archaic air.

Warm hands gently wrapped their way around your delicate little ones, “It’s on the house,” he spoke, this time a spring-like smile dancing across his features.

Your breath caught in your throat as you struggled for words, “b-but I insist, I can’t just take these for nothing.” Again you pushed your hands forward, leaning closer to emphasize your intent.

“Then,” he paused, contemplating his following words carefully. It had been long since Vlad had opened his heart to another. Yes, he loved the human race, but he had never truly allowed himself to fall in love. However, there was something about you, in the way you talked, the way your every thought fluttered across your gorgeous features that captivated him, that drew him in, like a moth to a flame. “Then how’s about you spend the afternoon with me strolling the botanical garden, and we will call it even?"

The rest of the interaction was like a happy blur. You didn’t even remember how you had gotten home or even what you had done in the time that had passed; all you knew was that you were now excitedly strolling down the cobbles stone path amid the vibrant flowers in the large botanical gardens.

It had been weeks since your first interaction with the man and every day since, you had visited his flower shop, idly chatting away about anything and everything that popped into your mind. After the first date together, you knew you had fallen, hard.

“What are you thinking about?” his gentle smile played across his features, ruby eyes gazing down lovingly at you. You returned his smile with one of your own, giving his hand an affectionate squeeze as you made your way through the gardens to your favourite spot.

“It’s a secret”, came the words, eye twinkling with mischief.

“Oh? You won’t tell me?” The corners of his lips lifted to form an impish smile.

“Nope!”

“Well, then I have no other choice!” His eyes shone with affection as he gently lifted your hand and started to twirl you around.

Your laughter filled the serene area causing a few raised brows from all who passed by. Not that you had a care in the world, especially being beside the love of your life.

Just then, he stopped, pulling you closer to fall against his chest, only, he had lost his footing and went tumbling backwards with you to fall straight on top of him with an ‘oooof’.

With widened eyes, you gazed down at him, an apology on your tongue, stopped only by the boyish chuckle that escaped him.

His hand came up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear, and fingers tenderly brushed over your cheeks. Time stood still between the two of you, each gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes before you broke the silence, “a secret for a secret,” you blurted out.

Immediately following it up with a confession of your own to prompt the man to spill the beans. “I love you with all my heart,” the secret left your lips as you beamed down at the man, dusting of pink blooming across your face.

“And I, you,” Vlad returned in a soft hum.

He reached over and plucked a delicate blue flower from the nearby bush. He twirled it between his fingertips for a few moments before securing it between the strands of your soft hair.

“Forget me not,” he said, his face softened with pure love for you.

Your silly grin continued to widen, and with a brush of your nose against his, the response left your lips, “not even for a moment.”

Your eyes soon fluttered closed as the affected words were whispered against his lips before they were sealed in a feather-light promising kiss.

.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’ .*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’･ﾟ｡.*:・’ﾟ: ｡.*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ･’ﾟﾟ:。’ .*:・’ﾟ:｡.*:ﾟ

poems: There you are, Painting Love With Words

[carol-thirteen]

Influenced - Part 2

a/n: wow i actually managed to write part 2 tonight, i am so proud of myself. i started writing this fic as 13 x reader but i kinda added in some yaz x reader as well. oops, anyway i hope you enjoy it. *Reader is 18+*

here’s part 1 if you missed it

Scanning through pages and pages of experiments and analysis, the alien language deciphered by the Tardis so that it could be read. Graham and Ryan were opposite each other reading bottles of chemicals that matched up to those stated in the writings. The Doctor’s brain scattered, trying to order the files chronologically. Yaz however, was sat next to you, perched on a tall stool, one hand holding yours, the other would turn the pages of the file that was laying on your lap.

Your body started to regain consciousness, eyes opening. It took a few seconds for you to start to move and you squeezed Yaz’s hand to alert her

She gasped in response. “Doctor, she’s up,”

“Graham, Ryan keep reading.” The Doctor raised her voice over your groans as she made her way over to you and Yaz.

You saw The Doctor scan your body with the sonic.

“It’s almost completely taken over, 90%.” She sounded slightly defeated. “We haven’t got long.”

You used all the strength you could muster and forced your hand to grab onto The Doctor’s wrist.

“Help me,” you managed to get out, resisting the fear and anger of this being.

Yaz looked at The Doctor then back at you.

“We’re trying, Y/N,” she stroked your face.

It was building within you. This strength. You could tell it was going to breath through any minute.

“Doctor, have a look at this,” Ryan spoke. The Doctor, with a pencil stuck behind her ear, stepped quickly over to the back of the room. Ryan pointed to the paragraph on the paper and then held up two small glass bottles.

“Oh Ryan, that’s it!” The Doctor exclaimed.

You felt yourself be pushed aside as the being fully took over control. You were only there observing, slowly deteriorating.

Your body wriggled out of Yaz’s grip and attempted to stand up.

“Doctor!” Yaz yelled, causing The Doctor to turn around. Her hands instantly came into view.

“Whoa whoa, hold on.” The Doctor spoke. “There’s no need for violence. We just want our friend back. You are compressing her to death.”

“They took our planet. They changed our planet.”

“I know, and I know there’s no way to reverse it now. But it wasn’t intentional. It was a science experiment gone wrong. Humans…they’re just so interested. They wanted to know your properties and uses. They made an error. They didn’t me-“

“Doctor, help me...please,” you forced your own words out.

“Trying.” She said quickly. “You can't stay in Y/N’s body.” The Doctor softened.

“Doctor, what happened exactly?” Graham spoke.

She kept an eye on your body as she began to talk. “Humans from your future came here in search of healing properties. From what I gather, they created a virus and ended up infecting the people of this planet. Turning them into..”

“Plants.” Ryan raised his eyebrows.

“Oh my god they’re people. There’s an actual person in Y/N.” Yaz put a hand to her mouth.

“I think, I figured out a way to get you out of her body. But I may not be able to save you.”

“Where will I go?” the being spoke again. “What will happen to me?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

“Doctor, h-“

You felt pain and found your arms cluching your head. Crying out for help as you lowered to your knees, The Doctor bent down in front of you.

“Can you tell me your name?” No response but continued crying. “Before all of this happened, what’s your name?”

“Luinda, my friends called me Lu.” Your voice croaked out.

“Luinda, I am very sorry. But we have to save my friend now.”

“It was all an accident?” Your face frowned.

“Totally and completely.” The Doctor reassured.

“Make sure no one comes here again,”

“Of course,” The Doctor promised. “I have to do this now. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for hurting your friend. I was angry.”

“It’s okay,” The Doctor tried to comfort Luinda in her last moments. “Everything’s okay. Thank you Luinda, for letting her go.”

The Doctor pulled up your sleeve and injected a mixture of chemicals into the prick wound. Slowly you felt the presence leave, you were coming back into yourself again, regaining control.

Being back fully came as a shock and you were very weak. You lent into The Doctor and gasped for air, mainly relief. You had been suffocating in your own body, and now you could finally breathe.

“Shhh, it’s alright. You’re safe.” The Doctor held you, her hands rubbing your back.

You felt Yaz’s hand on your shoulder and you pulled back slowly from The Doctor. You turned to Yaz and she bent down.

“I didn’t mean to say those things. I didn’t even realize I felt like that.”

“We see you Y/N,” Yaz started. “I will always see you.” She smiled at you, causing you to blush slightly. “Besides, I think you’re forgetting the many many times you have saved all of us. I could list them all but that make take a while.”

“It’s a long walk back,” you said quietly, still weakened. Soft chuckles filled the abandoned room.

The Doctor suggested you be carried but you insisted you would walk, with help from her and Yaz. You wanted to feel yourself walking again.

Later, after many “Y/N saved the day” stories, you reached the Tardis. You excused yourself to your room almost immediately after stepping into the familiar box.

You laid in your bed with your thoughts for a while. Just yours this time. A soft knock landed 3 times on the door.

“Come in,”

The Doctor’s head peered around the door, letting herself in before closing it again. You patted the side of your bed for her to sit.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better, tired and a bit less purple.” You lifted your arm to show her that the swelling and colouration of your veins had finally dissipated.

“That’s good,”

“It’s weird now,” you say. “Being alone in my head. I mean, it was excruciating. But she was so alone, Luinda, she..she just wanted to feel something again. I can’t blame her.”

“Y’know, you’re incredibly empathetic.”

“Wow thanks?” You frowned, confused.

“Empathetic,” The Doctor emphasized.

“Oh,” You let out a small laugh. “Sorry, still a bit out of if.”

A moment passed.

“I’ll leave you to sleep now, big day tomorrow.”

“What’s happening tomorrow?”

“Game day,” She smiled. “It was Yaz’s idea. The game part was her idea. Snacks and games she said you loved game nights. Why make it a night, why not have the whole day which was my idea,”

You smiled. “You lot really are so important to me, I’m sorry I ever-“

“Nonsense,” The Doctor said, “No more apologizing. Only rest.” She kissed your forehead, tucked you in, which made you laugh a bit. It made you feel like a child but it was also quite comforting and let’s face it, you loved the attention. She switched off the lamp on your bedside table.

“Goodnight Y/N, sweet dreams.”

REQUESTS OPEN

[insomniamagic]

Bokuroo Week 2018 Day 5; Prompt - College

Words:     6962

Bokuto and Kuroo never answered the calling of a sports career. They choose an academic path, forcing them to miss their first meeting on a volleyball court. Kuroo and Bokuto meet anyway, their stars always aligning with each other, crossing with each other, following one another.

Read on AO3 or under the cut! Thank you so much :) 

Regarding the picture - my camera and scanner hate me...

Every story you tell, every letter you write, every dance you give, I will follow your heart

 “Akaashi. I saw him. Again! We met and this time we talked, haha. Ha. I was so worried, like, what do I do? What do I do? I was so lucky, you won´t believe how lucky I was! He started to convo first, phew. Actually, I don´t like to write long messages, but you know, since you are away for some time and this is important, I think I might do just that. Well, listen. Eh, read…”

 Bokuto bursts into the library as a fully loaded truck with a tower of books leaning over his head. The sign alerting everyone to keep silent means nothing to him as he makes weird noises trying to balance the books. There was no grace in his movements and no chance for him to keep his already wavering stability with so many textbooks he will probably never even start reading.

Everything falls down like a house of cards. “Sorry, I am so sorry!” He yells and puts palm over his mouth immediately. “Sorry, I´ll be quiet from now on. Sorry.” Bokuto tries to apologize silently, his speech slowing down, volume rising up.

His eyes widen, seeing the librarian fuming and walking right towards him. “I´ll take care of that. He is new here,” says a man in a wine red shirt with dark, messy hair. Bokuto squints his eyes. He seems familiar.

“I don´t care, just keep quiet.” Librarian´s tone got a bit softer. She turns on a heel and strides away.

Bokuto tries to pick the books up, when he hears a low cackling. He stares back up, right into the very pretty face of a man in red. Bokuto swallows saliva clumped on his tongue, persuading his stare to look away from those hazel eyes and sharp featured face. The thin black glasses certainly didn´t help making him any less attractive.

The squealing noise comes out from between his lips. Yes, of course he knows him. He saw him at their apartment building, leaving Sawamura´s place. Bokuto remembers the wink he got, forever burned inside right in the middle of his brain. “I am sure it´s only me who remembers,” he thinks.

Before he can stop his train of scattered thoughts, he panics. “Oh no,” his mind shouts at him. The last time he found someone attractive was a straight man. If the history repeats itself, he would be so screwed and not in a good way. Thankfully, he couldn´t care less about “being screwed” anyway.

“Are you okay?” Man shakes his head, still smiling. “Sorry, my name is Kuroo Tetsurou. Do you need help?”

Bokuto hardly nods, his body completely stiff.

“Come on, let´s go my friend!” First, Kuroo tidies the books into two manageable piles, then he puts his arms under Bokuto´s slumped body to help him get up.

Finally, that muscled body cooperates. “I am sorry,” Bokuto mumbles.

“That´s fine.” Kuroo takes the first pile of books, Bokuto grabs the second one. “You can sit with me if you´d like.”

“Why?” We are strangers, Bokuto thinks, although his whole being hopes for anything but to part their ways. There was something charming about Kuroo, some spark he wishes to catch.

Kuroo turns to him, showing a bit of his perfect profile. “Yes, we basically are. Maybe I am mistaken, I thought it was you I saw the last time at the apartment building. Third floor?”

Bokuto gasps. “No, no, actually, yes, of course. I didn´t realize-“

“Then it´s all good, right? We know each other a little. At least, we both have a mutual acquaintance, right? I can leave you alone if you wish to.”

Bokuto´s insides dance for a second before giving an answer. “I would be grateful for some company.” They sit down, Bokuto in awe. “He remembers.”

“Well?”

Bokuto is startled by the question, his nose already in his unreadable notes. “Hm?”

“What do you study?” Kuroo inquires, chin resting on his joint hands, smirk hiding right behind them.

“Ehm-“ Bokuto stares down at his scribbles. “Interior design.” He can hear the unenthusiastic tone coming from under his breath.

Kuroo raises one eyebrow. “Oho? Is it that boring?”

“What? No-“ he closes his mouth and frowns. “It´s fine. It´s my first year so I have to get used to it. My best friend is studying on the other side of the country and I am somewhat- what is the word for it? I don´t know how to deal with things without him steadying me. That´s all. And maybe, maybe I thought of a different path once.” Bokuto waits for a reaction. “What?” He whines as Kuroo examines his face with intense focus.

“Nothing,” Kuroo puts his hands down. “You like oversharing with strangers, hm?”

“Oversharing?” Bokuto didn´t think of it that way. He didn´t care what others knew about his life. “You?”

“Also first year, languages and literature. I thought about studying abroad.” Kuroo corrects his glasses and taps the biggest book Bokuto ever saw. “Myths and legends. And some of my notes.” He hides those pretty quickly.

Bokuto´s eyes sparkle with joy. “Beautiful handwriting. Not as beautiful as Akaashi´s, but very pretty.” Then he turns to his own notebook. “Eh, I know it´s not readable, I-“

“No problem,” Kuroo smiles and yelps too loud when examining the scribbles, immediately apologizing to those around him. “It´s not that bad,” Kuroo says unexpectedly.

“What? I can´t read it myself!” Bokuto is horrified, shocked and impressed.

Kuroo chuckles. “Come on, it´s alright. Do you want me to decipher your own writings?”

“Yes, please,” Bokuto answers, knowing Kuroo will refuse him. It couldn´t have been an honest offer.

Kuroo contemplates for a bit, pen twirling in his fingers. “Okay. If you´ll lend me these papers, I can give it to you at the end of the week, clear as day.”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“No.” Every ounce of joking is gone for a moment. “I offered, you said please, I make good on my promises.”

Bokuto opens his mouth to protest, but Kuroo´s stare shuts him up. Instead, he asks: “Do you like your studies?” He eyes the book again.

“Yes,” Kuroo nods. “As you said, there might have been a different path once, but I am happy here.”

“What was that different path?”

“Wow, no filter, huh?” Kuroo isn´t angry, quite the opposite. “Actually, it was sports. I wasn’t sure I was good enough, so I made my second choice.”

Bokuto has been unable to talk for some time, occupied by his surprise.

“Is it so unbelievable or did you short-circuit?”

“It´s a weird coincidence. I also thought of sports career. I stopped before I could even start. I tried my first year of high school, but there was something missing. I had someone to pull me up from my mood swings, but I had no one to push me forward. Like-like I missed some kind of rival to help me with finding the right direction. I don´t know, it´s silly.” Bokuto puts his chin on his chest, wishing to hide under the table. Maybe he is going to do exactly that.

Kuroo opens a book. “Do you know what´s so good about literature and languages? It helps you to understand not everything is a coincidence, not everything has to be a coincidence. And sometimes. Sometimes it really is that one piece missing. If only one thing was different, if only one piece of the puzzle made a different decision, maybe in a different universe, in the past or present, the path would be clear.”

“What?” Bokuto mumbles.

“Have you ever heard the story about a cursed sailor and a cursed noble man?”

“No,” Bokuto exhales.

Kuroo smiles. “One of them was cursed for trying to steal from the death itself. He was forced to sail the seas for one hundred years or longer if he was unable to find a place called The Promised Land. Every five years, he was allowed to have one week on shore. The noble man cursed himself, accidentally, because of the strong heartbreak he felt. The seas took him to a remote island to live alone. After eighty years living with their curses all by themselves, they met. Following their first meeting, they tried to meet everytime the sailor had a chance to step on the land. They never forgot each other, they fought for each other, they fell in love and in the end, they got freed, because the noble man-“ Kuroo halts. “No. I won´t spoil it for you, you just have to read it.”

“No! Don´t tease me like that!” Bokuto yelps.

“Oho, I can tease you in many ways, don´t you worry.”Kuroo puts the book away. “Was their meeting a coincidence? Was it a destiny or luck?”

Bokuto pouts, crossing his arms and turning away from him. “Tease,” he repeats.

“I am not-maybe I am. Actually,” Kuroo cackles, then eyes Bokuto up and down, contemplating something. “Would you like to dance with me?”

“Dance? Where is that coming from?” Bokuto is intrigued.

“There is a dance competition, first three places get a certain amount of credits and a financial aid for university expenses. Hm?”

“Two men are allowed to enter?” Bokuto´s head is spinning. Is this his chance?

Kuroo touches his shoulder, turning him back to face him. “Anyone can enter. Single, group, duo, eighty people. And I don´t care.” Last sentence was emphasized.

“I am clumsy.”

“Me too.” Kuroo sighs. “Don´t tell me that a muscle mass like you is unable to move those pretty hips, hm? Do you want me to ask Sawamura?”

Bokuto gasps. “Hey, hey, hey, let me think about it.”

“I am.”

All the time Bokuto thinks, Kuroo stares at him like he´s a painting to be admired. Bokuto feels uneasy and flattered at the same time. “Em,” Bokuto starts, unsure, “do you have any more stories like that?”

Kuroo leans in. “Plenty.”

“Will tell you me some more?”

“Plenty.”

“Then okay.”

“Great.”

  “Okay, Kenma. Listen to this. Do you remember the guy I mentioned in the last letter? When I left the study session with Sawamura? Kenma, stop that train of thought. I don´t see you, but I know what you think right now. Where was I? Ah, yes. Do you remember that guy? Wet silver hair with black streaks, falling down all to his face, towel around the hips, golden eyes of sunshine and joy, just as piercing as yours. And that one looks you in the eye almost too intense. I didn´t recognize him at first, because he wore his hair styled upwards, then I saw his face. He is so weird, but I think I like him. There is something pulling me towards him. I feel like I may be able to let loose around him. Oh, by the way, he agreed on that dance competition. Since Sawamura refused and Tooru ditto, but that´s not the point. How awesome is that? I asked for fun and to tease, but he agreed! I will update you later, I have to go now. Please, don´t forget to eat! Love, Kuroo.”

 Next month was spent at dance rehearsals, which wasn´t easy thanks to their university schedules being so tough. It took them some getting used to, especially with studying at different faculties.

They agreed to meet at the nearby gym close to Sawamura´s place. “Okay, I have no basics, so what did you have in mind?” Bokuto stands in the middle, watching himself in the mirror, flexing his arms.

“Are you checking if they are still there?” Kuroo teases.

“No?” Bokuto shies a bit.

Kuroo closes the distance between them in five long strides to touch the biceps himself. “Nice!” he exclaims in an honest surprise. “I think you are good, man!”

“Thank you! Thank you so much! So cool, cool!” Bokuto´s face starts to shine like a sun.

“Stop with that smile or I´ll go blind!” Kuroo makes fun of him as he watches Bokuto getting pumped for their training. “Hey, Bokuto. Bokuto, look at this video, this is-“ Bokuto doesn´t stop. He runs around, jumps, does some push ups and talks about his workouts. “Maybe I shouldn´t have praised him,” Kuroo thinks, then shouts: “Hey, ace of working out! Are you scared of a little dance?”

Bokuto freezes on the spot. “Show me!”

The challenge was thrown and that challenge was accepted, Kuroo thinks, cackling to himself.

The long month of almost impossible, begins.

Both men fall down to the floor, chests heaving, feet hurting. “You know,” Bokuto says through shallow breaths. “I don´t think jive and quickstep were a good idea. Too tough.”

“Yep, I think you might be right,” Kuroo agrees, then slaps Bokuto´s arm. “Don´t breathe like that. Breathe at my counts. Inhale slowly, one, two, three, now the same, but exhale. One, two, three. Continue.” Kuroo sighs, giggling at Bokuto´s inability to follow the instructions. “Trust me, you´ll feel better. Shallow breaths are tiring, especially with tough physical activity.”

“Okay,” Bokuto mutters, the work prolonged and unhappy.

“Oh no,” Kuroo gets worried. “Bokuto? Would you like for me to change the dance? We can do something different.”

“No.” He turns away, still on the floor, knees curled in.

“Bokutooo,” Kuroo sings, tickling him. Bokuto chuckles with his mood unchanged. “Would tango be okay? You are a passionate man, it would suit you very much. I can play your damsel in distress.”

“No.”

“No what? Tango or the damsel?”

“Tango is fine.”

“So, do you want to be the damsel in distress?”

Bokuto grunts.

“Ah, you don’t want anyone to be in distress. We can be both strong and able to save ourselves. It can be the most intense performance of joy and passion anyone has ever seen. You can have a rose in your mouth. Hm?” Kuroo doesn´t push him, doesn´t continue to tickle him. He just caresses his arm and back, waiting for him to be ready again.

“That sounds nice,” Bokuto sits with eyes glued to Kuroo. “Go on,” he commands, putting Kuroo´s hand back where it was, prompting him to continue.

Kuroo smiles as he caresses him a bit longer. “Do you want to hear another story?”

“Yes,” Bokuto nods quickly, the spark coming back to him.

“There was an unknown time and unknown place with two friends having fun in the forest of emerald colors. They both loved to spend time together, too enthusiastic about everything. The forest was deemed a place where magic rested. You were allowed to go in but forbidden to disturb the peace of the place. The story is not about the forest, but those friends who didn´t care about magic or the trees or what is allowed or forbidden. They searched for fun, they looked for any excuse to spend time together.”

Bokuto listens carefully, his breath calm, arms close to Kuroo. “Did they love each other?” he whispers.

Kuroo smiles the softest smile anyone has ever seen. “Yes. They didn´t know and they didn´t tell, until the mistake happened. One wanted to confess to the other by picking one of the flowers, a red tulip. The forest did not like that.” Kuroo´s expression darkened a bit. “I admire this story,” he admits. “While it makes me very sad.” He doesn´t look at Bokuto as he continues. “The forest tries to punish them, when the other man takes it upon himself. He gets trapped into the tree, forever. The end.”

“The end?” Bokuto screeches, scaring other people around. “What about the other man? They didn´t even get to know they are in love? What kind of story is that?”

Kuroo pats his shoulder. “They knew. Of course, they knew, words weren´t needed. Just because one turned into a tree doesn’t mean they stopped seeing each other.”

“What?”

“Come on, let´s practice some more. So, about that rose?”

 Before they finished their first year of university, Kuroo Tetsurou and Bokuto Koutaro placed first in the dance competition. All of it thanks to freedom they allowed themselves to have and the passion that oozed out of their performance. Purple and teal overalls also helped, mixing together softness and strength, blurring gender differences of any kind. They gave it everything and kept nothing, the rose unused in the end.

As they pack their things, Kuroo examines Bokuto mannerism, his moves, the stare towards another competitor they met named Ushijima. Something inside of Kuroo stirs, the heaviness falling inside of his gut. “We should have sealed it with a kiss,” Kuroo says as a matter of fact.

“Eh?” Bokuto finally stops ogling the beefy man of a god’s stature.

“You know, the dance.”

“I don´t think they would appreciate it here,” Bokuto says with a shrug.

Kuroo is taken aback. First, why did he ask this? Second, why was Bokuto opened to the possibility? When it comes, to Kuroo, it´s not surprising. Anyone who knows him is well informed about his sexuality. He cares only about who you are as a person, the rest is irrelevant. But Bokuto? Well, after his undressing of Ushijima with his gaze, he can´t so shocked. Kuroo usually doesn´t find people attractive unless he knows them better, but he could understand other points of view. Kuroo sighs as he looks at his own build, lean, resembling more a dancer than anyone as buff as Bokuto.

“Kurooooooo, don´t ignore me!” Bokuto wales.

“What? Ah, sorry, I am tired.”

“What about that kiss?”

“Kiss?” Kuroo´s demeanor changes into his cocky other self. “Well, are you that brave for something like that? Even now?”

Bokuto makes a weird sound and then it happens. One mouth collided with the other, tips of their tongues involved. Bokuto pulls back, his lips smirking at surprised Kuroo. “You aren´t the only one who can tease, you know?” He leaves Kuroo in his dust.

“What just happened?” Kuroo asks silently.

“He kissed you,” Ushijima informs him seriously.

“I didn´t-“ Kuroo doesn´t finish, but his head is ready to explode. “Was it just for fun?”

  “Akaashi, I screwed up! I kissed him, to be a tease exactly like him. I thought it might be nice, you know, the heat of the moment, but-I don´t know, I am scared, what is this? What should I do now? Help! I don´t know what I feel, I don´t know how he feels. I like his stories, I like spending time with him, but you know. Something shifted in me. I don´t think it´s about fun anymore. Not entirely. Akaashi, help! And we have met up again, not on purpose, but an accident. Is this fate? Yes? No? WHAT IS THIS? Help. Anyone, Konoha? Yukie? Kaori? Somebodyyy. Help.”

  It´s the beginning of their second year and Bokuto is forced to attend the museum of architecture and design for one of his courses. “Everyone bailed on me and I am supposed to stay focused all by myself? Not everything can be a dance, oh.” He stops at the entrance, deciding if he is leaving, when their eyes meet.

“What brings you here, Bokuto?” Kuroo asks, single ticket in his hand.

“Um, school.”

“Same.”

“Also involuntarily?”  

Kuroo frowns. “Nope, I like to trace stories. You?”

“Eh.”

Kuroo throws his hand over Bokuto´s shoulder, the kiss unmentioned but not forgotten. “You really can´t find your passion in this, can you?” Bokuto keeps quiet. “You know, you might need the right moment, that right incentive to get you hooked on your studies.”

“What if I don´t?”

“Then change it. Don´t force yourself into something you don´t want to do.”

“How did you find your moment?” Bokuto gets curious as they walk around the museum.

“I always knew. Not everyone is that lucky.”

Bokuto shrugs. “You really think I can find it?”

“Why did you choose this type of studies?”

“The design is-you take parts and make them whole. Those parts can work on its own, but not all of them can and they are better, stronger together. They complement each other.”

“Like a team,” Kuroo says dreamily.

“Like a team.”

“Then go on from there. Look for those parts everywhere you go, in every subject you have, then find what makes them great as a whole. The rest will come to you, hopefully.”

Bokuto stares at him in amazement. “You like storytelling, even without stories to tell, huh?”

“Are you complaining?” Kuroo smirks.

In another time with another person, Bokuto would go into a slump. He doesn´t. He suddenly feels safe and cared for around Kuroo, which is always a tough task to accomplish, usually done by Akaashi Keiji. Until today. Until the day they first saw each other. “Never,” Bokuto answers.

“Do you want to hear another story while we walk around?” Kuroo offers. “I can tell you about a man who lost his best friend and maybe even a love of his life in an accident. The toughest burden was seeing him even in his death. He spoke to him, he played with him, still loved him. And when he was told the truth, when he remembered the way he died, that he was present that day, he broke down more and more, until nothing of him was left. Then he forgot once more, unable to move on, unable to accept his lover´s demise. After everything, he went through, after being hospitalized, he kept seeing him, kept talking to him, didn´t understand the reasons for being held there. Even other people started doubting what he was truly seeing. Was his friend just a nightmare, daydream, imagination, or reality?”

Kuroo ends the story there, his stride slowing down. “Or do you want to hear the story of a man and his muse?”

 Bokuto follows Kuroo´s profile, eyes focusing on the lips, eyes watering. “Does it also end in a heartbreak? They all have that theme and I don´t know if I like it.”

“Maybe all these stories are stories of the same couple, trying to find a way to each other. In one lifetime at least. Maybe all these stories are connected.”

Bokuto feels the tear running down his face. “How?”

“To answer your first question, I don´t know. The muse is invisible, but the scientist can feel it´s there. He falls in love with it, just as the muse falls in love with him.” Kuroo turns to him, baring his teeth. “Come on, it´s just stories. Let´s have some fun, shall we?” Before he takes him away, Bokuto wipes his tears. “Koutaro?”

“Yeah?”

Kuroo cups one of his cheeks, the other hand stays on his left shoulder, watching him tentatively. “Don´t you think there is something beautiful about that image? Two souls searching for each other through galaxies and lifetimes, death and life?”

“No. Yes.” Bokuto´s fingers curl around Kuroo´s jacket. “I want to have that fun now, please.” They don´t let go for a while, Bokuto wishing for something more, this time with incentive on the other side.

Kuroo leans in, kissing his forehead.

  “Kuroo?” Their museum tour comes to an end, their paths untangling as they both have to take a different bus to their flats. “Uhm, I lost one of my bets couple of weeks ago. I am forced to visit a haunted house next month and I thought, you know, if you could keep me company?”

“Haunted house?” Kuroo seems amused.

“Unless you are scared?” Bokuto tries one of Kuroo´s tactics.

“Please,” Kuroo waves his hand. “I´ve seen stuff. Okay, text me an address and time.”

“Seriously?”

“No, I am planning to stand you up.” Kuroo doesn´t flinch as he tells the lie.

Bokuto´s mouth hangs open. “But-“

“Yes, seriously.” Kuroo can´t stop the incoming laugh.

“Good,” Bokuto mirrors Kuroo´s reaction. “We are on!”

At home, Bokuto goes through the memory snapshots, realizing he might have had the moment of passion for his studies right there at the museum.

The designs they saw, the stories he heard, that crazy tango dance they performed. Small parts, creating something bigger.

Bokuto´s mood rises up as he armors himself for their next adventure.

The haunted house.

  “Kenma, I think this is it. I am falling for him. I have no idea if he is falling for me, but some of the moves he lets me make, I don´t know. I don´t know. I would love to be suave with him, or just go for it and risk it. You know, I would probably expose one of the best friendships I ever got. It might not look like it, but he keeps me sane from all this school responsibilities. He is interesting, even at times when I simply don´t get him. He wakes up the silly in me, unlike the others. I thought I lost it forever, but he found it for me. I will have to meet that friend of his, as I heard, he is an expert on Bokuto´s antics. Kenma, Kenma, Kenma. We are going to a haunted house tomorrow, I will try to see if there is a chance. Kenma, Kenma. Help. Even Yaku´s opinion would be now welcomed…”

  “Stop, Bokuto, it´s nothing, see? A moth. A freaking moth!” Kuroo holds Bokuto´s hand, calming him down as he jumps for a hundredth time at any sound they hear. Kuroo examines the old house with one stairway leading upstairs, which both men tactically ignore as they document their journey with the phone, for Bokuto´s friends.

“How come you aren´t scared?”

Kuroo closes his eyes and counts to five. He is scared, unsure of what exactly. The house and its atmosphere, or Bokuto´s reactions? “It´s your mind playing with you. It´s told this house is haunted, but it-“ The creaking comes, adult men shriek unison and run outside as fast as they can.

“You said?” Bokuto holds his knees, close to crumbling.

Kuroo laughs like a crazy maniac. “We are one impossible couple, aren´t we?”

Bokuto joins him. “We are the best couple. Let´s sit over there.” He points to the basketball court and the swing big enough for three people at least. The place is empty, the owner a friend of their friend. “Why is that there?”

They notice the small shack right over the hill leading down to the small spring and a bridge. “I have no idea. You can do nothing in here.” They try to fit in, then come back to the swing.

“Is it or is it not haunted then? I would like to know, honestly.”

Kuroo shrugs. “I have no idea. When you go somewhere with a certain notion tattooed in your head, it´s hard to shake it off. If it´s entertaining-“

“Entertaining?” Bokuto slaps his thigh playfully. “Fun. My heart, I gained ten years to my lifespan.”

“What? Do you want to hear a story?” Kuroo tries, wondering if it still works.

Bokuto stops being so frantic and nods. “If you still have any.”

“Plenty.” They smile. “It revolves around friends and lovers again. Sometime in the past, they met as children and grew up to become an inseparable item. Before they could act upon their feelings, one of them got sick, hereditary condition. The other pleaded for him to be saved for so long, that someone listened to his pleas. Either angel, or the devil, you can choose, the story doesn´t specify this. The man is willing to give it everything and so he does. His lover lives, but with one obstacle. One changes into an owl through the night, the other changes into a cat through the day. They catch glimpses of each other at the moment of transformation, only for a short second. When it´s too much, the owl pleads once more and the angel, devil arrives, granting his wish to turn everything back as it was before. The man changing into an owl becomes sick again, the man changing into a cat becomes his caretaker. They live as fully as they can, while they can.”

“How much time they had together?” Bokuto whispers.

Kuroo doesn´t know. “Ten days or ten years or even hundred.”

“Are those stories of yours real or made up?” Bokuto´s question comes as a shock to the both. “You speak of it so realistically.”

Kuroo never thought of it this way. “I don´t know. They have to be inspired by something, right?”

The night falls, their gazes follow the moon and stars.

“Why these stories?”

Kuroo feels Bokuto´s fingers creeping closer to him. “They pull me in. I can understand them in a way I can´t express. They are mesmerizing to me.”

“Yeah.” Kuroo turns to him, surprised by those words. “I felt the same way from the moment I heard the first story. It´s like-“

Ours, Kuroo thinks without wording the thought out loud.

“It makes me feel sad, but full at the same time. It´s weird, I know.” Bokuto moves to open the space between them. Kuroo´s heart beats faster, he can feel his skin getting hot with disappointment.

“Did I do something wrong?” Why are you so far from me? I want you closer. So close I could breathe you in, so close I could fuse with you.

Bokuto lowers his gaze, not fully on Kuroo. “You did nothing wrong. But-I think I might be suffocating being by your side.” He says it so quietly it´s almost inaudible.

But Kuroo hears them and Kuroo understands them. “May I?”

Bokuto doesn´t ask for elaboration, affirms the intention.

It´s Kuroo´s turn to kiss him. Before their lips collide, Bokuto jumps and Kuroo gulps loudly.

“I think I saw something,” Bokuto admits. “It had to be the story you told me, sorry, sorry.”

Kuroo stared at him, blood running cold. “I saw something too. I kept quiet, because I thought my mind is playing tricks on me.”

Their stares follow the basketball hoop and the path that the “something” went to.

“Shit!” Kuroo yells as he sees the glimpse of a white light with heights of a person, walking right behind the little shack and towards the cottages not too far away from their backs.

“You saw it too? I thought it´s me who imagines things this time!”

Kuroo squeezes his hand. “Calm down, it´s nothing. Tell me what you saw, maybe it was a play of light or I don´t know. Wait, my phone.” He puts the flashlight on. There is nothing, only the road and stream running. “It might have been that road sign, right?”

“How? There is no light that could be reflected there and it´s too low.” Bokuto is shaking, sign for Kuroo to keep him closer.

“Before we panic, describe it to me.”

“Bright and white. As tall as Akaashi, so somewhere around the bottom of the roof of that shack. It went from right to left, I would say it was a woman, a scarf or hoodie on her head?”

There is no way it can be so detailed for both of them. Kuroo feels too cold. “Um, I am sorry, but I saw the same thing. Exactly.”

They look to each other horrified, breathing heavily, trying to calm themselves.

“You know what?” Kuroo breaks the silence first. “I think we should stand up and get back to the place where the owner lives. It´s just behind the haunted house itself, so it won´t be a problem, right?”

“Right.”

They stand up, holding each other tightly. “Let´s go slowly, there´s no need for any more-“

And so they run as fast as never before.

  “What?” they shriek when the owner named Ukai nods vehemently, taking out another cigarette.

“Yep, I saw it too. As I walked my dog, there was a light between those bushes, it went your way. I am not very surprised, you are not the first ones to report this.” Ukai lit up his cigarette, completely collected.

Kuroo and Bokuto bow in unison, then get as far as they can from that terrifying place. They don´t stop until they reach the city. “It´s late,” Bokuto complains. “I need to go home, I have some other-“

Kuroo doesn´t wait anymore. He leans in for the stolen kiss from before. Bokuto doesn´t budge. He surprises him with a gentle kisses and strokes on the back, arms, right in between the hair. “Thank you,” Kuroo breathes out when they stop.

“No, thank you,” Bokuto admits through his teeth.

“Are you okay? I know I-“

“Never better.” Bokuto smiles at him. “I wasn´t sure so I didn´t make another move.”

I wasn´t sure either, Kuroo thinks, not needing to say it to him. They know now and that´s enough.

“If you need a place to stay, I live close by. My roommate won´t mind.” Kuroo stops himself. “I didn´t mean-“

“I know. But I wouldn´t say no either way. Lead the way, please, I am tired.” Bokuto commands, leaving Kuroo speechless for the first time. He complies.

They spend the night talking, then spend the day kissing. For a while, they don´t care about any responsibilities they have. It´s a dance they share again, although it´s a dance of hearts and souls, making it a tango, jive, or even a flamingo.

It´s everything and a pinch more.

With the second night incoming, their kisses change into hugs and touches, the naked skin on skin, goose bumps all over their bodies, the moans and passion hurdling out of their throats.

And when it all ends, Bokuto lays in Kuroo´s bed covered in his sheets almost from head to toe like a burrito, while Kuroo cleans him softly with care, making him the most desired and most cherished person in the world.

Bokuto repays him with a bear hug. Kuroo curls himself in, falling asleep feeling safe and comforted.

  “It´s a dance”, Bokuto whispers.

“It´s a dance,” Kuroo agrees as they meet at the old castle to learn about other stories.

They dance between the cobwebs, unbothered by stares of other people. They dance between the flowers as they visit the famous botanic garden, they dance in the rain when Bokuto sees the weather and goes outside without a raincoat or any other proper clothes. They dance anywhere they can, the lack of music unable to stop them.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo whispers after waking up in the middle of a night, thirsty. He watches him from the doorway, buried in blankets, looking like a mermaid. The silence fills up the room, but the buzzing thoughts cut through the darkness like a bolt, blinding Kuroo´s eyes and deafening Bokuto´s ears.

“I got the scholarship for studies abroad. I got it last month, I couldn´t tell you. I-“ I am not ready for a long distance relationship. “I can´t do that. I have too much to give. I would die otherwise, but I don´t want to miss this opportunity. I know your answer. I know you´d let me go. I, myself, don´t know. Do you remember how I talked about that moment that hooks you to something? Well, I got that moment with you. What do I do now?” He bumps his head into the wall, wishing for it to hurt so much more than his heart.

“I don´t want for this to become part of stories I like to tell,” he adds as he sits down close to his face, watching him, adoring him. “Bokuto. I love you so much. Should we wait and see if it´s meant to be? Should we try? Should we let it go?”

The morning sun shines on Kuroo´s messy head right beside Bokuto. He fell asleep in the sitting position from the night before, Kuroo´s neck hurting as hell. “Ouch.”

“That´s what you get when you don´t speak to me when I am awake,” Bokuto informs him like it´s nothing.

It takes too long for Kuroo to understand. “You heard me.”

“No, not really,” Bokuto admits and prepares the hot water, black coffee for Kuroo, hot chocolate for him. “I know about that scholarship. I saw the papers. Also, you mentioned it when we first talked.”

“You remember?”

“Of course.” Bokuto smiles. “I remember a lot, you´d be surprised.”

“Yes, I would.” Kuroo waits for any reaction, scared to death.

Bokuto sits down. “I only heard your last words in the bed, so I figured what it must mean. I am not that silly. And-we are in college. I didn´t expect anything big out of this, don´t worry.” He waves his hand. “You said it yourself. This is big opportunity you have. My friend Akaashi did the same and he is so happy. It´s not like we are dying, you know? I say, go for it. If we still want it later, we will find each other. If not, then why the regret?” Bokuto touches his face, kisses his nose, forehead, those cheeks, that soft mouth of his.

“Why are you the calm one?”

  “He leaves me, Akaashi. He leaves me, but I choose to believe if it´s meant to be, we will meet again. I need to be strong for him. And I know it´s meant to be. Right?”

Bokuto holds back the tears. Because this time, you can´t be. And if I don´t try, I will crumble and never get up. “I heard your stories. I was ready. I am ready.” I am not.

“Do you want to hear the last one?” Kuroo asks before his train leaves.

“Please.”

“This is a pleasant one. There are two heist groups. One of the biggest one in the area, maybe even the country. They once meet at the same place, going for the same heist, their leaders getting stuck together. The teams have to cooperate, both so different it´s almost impossible, but they manage. They come out safe, but after that meeting, something changes. The leaders fall in love, slowly but surely. Well, maybe it´s not that slow. They get married, but they-“ Kuroo doesn’t finish the story, the train arrives.

“See you later,” Bokuto hugs him, unsure if he is able to let him go.

“See you.” Kuroo gets in, their farewell short, unbearable.

“I love you,” Bokuto yells as the doors close and the train moves.

Kuroo smirks, Bokuto winks.

  “I left him, Kenma. I left it all there with him, I hope I might collected it one day, if he lets me. If I´ll still want to. It hurts, Kenma.”

  “Akaashi, you won´t believe what just happened.”

 “Kenma, it´s been two years. This is a miracle.”

“We won´t be the part of those stories.”

“Right?”

  Bokuto attends the first conference of architecture and design managed by the museum he visited with Kuroo once. It was good for his job, good for his resume. The event was divided into three other parts, loosely connected, one of them focused on the historical aspects of the architecture and design. It reminded him of-

Shock spreads across Bokuto´s face. He wasn´t the only one thinking like this.

It takes them three and a half second to notice each other across the room. Those silver hair with black streaks and golden eyes of bird of a prey. That messy dark hair with hazel eyes and sly moves, waiting. For a couple of moments, everything else disappears.

Kuroo cackles and smirks, holding his honest reaction in for the sake of seriousness of this occasion.

Bokuto winks, pointing towards the door. “Oy, let me have a drink,” he decides before heading out.

There is nothing cinematic in their meeting. It´s intimate, the silence shared between the two of them only. They hug tightly, reassuring themselves it´s real.

It is.

“Do you have another story?” Bokuto says as he cleans his teary face into Kuroo´s suit who doesn´t mind in a slightest.

“Plenty,” Kuroo grins. They walk away, Kuroo talking. “There was this cursed man caught by thorns, lost in the middle of nowhere. There was another man, bringing with him feeling of spring and sprouting anywhere he went. He knew nothing of his past, he had no memories with one exception. He was always looking for something or someone. No one knew him, no one was able to help him until the moment he stumbled upon the man in the thorns. He watched him knowingly. This is it. His intuition screamed at him - this is what you are looking for. He leans into him, bringing the feeling of beginning to him. The man picks up red tulips to show him how much he cares. The other man, the one in thorns, blooms the peony in the palm of his hand, his body been freed from the curse and the pain of thorns in his skin.”

Bokuto listens so carefully, he forgets to breathe. Kuroo notices, that´s when he nudges him lovingly with fingers around his hips.

“They both get free. Their memories don´t come back, but their feelings do. The thorn man was leaving peonies wherever he stepped, the savior could be traced by tulips. When they hugged, both flowers fell to the ground mixed together, becoming one. Peony the sign of a happy marriage, the tulip sign of a perfect love. No one knew how long they lived before, no one knew how long they lived after. They knew one thing - how much they love each other. They never stopped, with memories or without them. They found each other when they got lost and it was all that mattered to them.”

“Are we part of those stories of yours?” Bokuto asks the burning question.

They stop in their tracks, amazed by the cathedral rising in front of them. Kuroo takes his hand. “Only time will tell.”

Kuroo Tetsurou and Bokuto Koutaro step in smiling, laughing, dancing like no one´s watching.

The rest is their future, the rest is a history.

No matter the path, no matter the end.

They will find each other, their universe is forever shared.

 Notes: 

The stories Kuroo tells are mine (all on AO3, most of them used in Bokuroo Week). This is the connection I mentioned in the prompt for a first day :) It will be shown in a better light on day 6, but you don´t have to read it, of course. 

The story at the haunted house is from my own experience :) 

Thank you for your time!

[placegrenette]

A list of things I love about “Ah! Yah! Mah!”

(It’s a long list.)

(But not as long as my draft literature review chapter, which was 16,000 words, including bibliography and a whole lot of written throat-clearing. If you have pity to spare, send it to my committee.)

1. To refer back to my original commentary: I love its bigness, the vast expanse of the song. It’s also a nice close to the promotion cycle, where “Su Asty” and “Yeski Taspa Bii’“ were similarly packed, “Bayau” and “Mooz” a little less ambitious. (A little, in the case of “Bayau.”)

2. While remaining very much a Ninety One song. I tend to favor the specific over the general with pop lyrics, songs where the performers make their skin in the game more obvious. (”Tend to”: and yet my favorite song off 1989 is “New Romantics.” I’m not consistent.) “Aiyptama,” as good as it is, was pre-packaged; you don’t have to know anything about Ninety One to enjoy it. “Ah! Yah! Mah!” is not only full of callbacks to previous Qarangy Zharyq songs but continuing the overall theme -- see the analysis by @qisforqazaq, which points out the references in greater detail.

(2a. I’ll add one more reference: Alem’s Make your brains cross the borders line echoing ZaQ’s Borders do not exist, they are only in the vastness of your consciousness in “Mooz.” The Kazakh lines are Жоқ шекаралар, ол сенің миыңдағы мекендерде бар тек and Таптаурыдарыңды бұзаын, Шекарадан ассын миың, respectively, so the repeat of “borders” doesn’t seem to be simply a coincidence of translation. Thus “Mooz” would be about recognizing the illusion of borders and “Ah! Yah! Mah!” about destroying that illusion.)

3. While we’re talking lyrics, let me rave about my favorite: AZ’s From your conversations, I feel nauseous, as if I’m drinking tea with fat. “Mooz” used tea metaphors to throw shade too, but that’s not why I love that line. It is perfect -- at once visceral, getting the feeling it wants to convey across in a minimum of words, and so culturally specific; when would an American rapper deliver an insult by talking about tea? And it’s so AZ, too, casually dismissive. It makes a whole human experience instantly legible and I love it.

4. Which leads me to AZ’s and ZaQ’s whole section. Way back before Ninety One even debuted and I was raving about Infinite’s Reality, my favorite part of “Take Care of the Ending” was Dongwoo’s and Hoya’s trading off the rap, the way they bounced off each other. AZ and ZaQ trade off with even more energy, and complement that in the video with a delightful playfulness that gets a lot of things done at once.

apologies, y'all, I still can't make GIFs for crap

With a Korean group I’d be tempted to speculate about fanservice, but Ninety One doesn’t seem to have embraced that part of idol marketing, and I don’t get a shippy vibe from this sequence. If Leslie Fiedler, God bless his memory for all time, were around he’d call this reveling in homosociality, affectionate but not sexual, a friendship on full display. But the sequence also -- after Alem staring down the camera, Ace having to cope with the unexpected (more on that in a minute) and Bala turning Bala Seduction Mode up to 11 -- injects some needed humor into the video. We’re going to make your brains cross the borders, sure, but it’s going to be fun.

5. Speaking of Bala:

I mean they all look good but Bibotta gets an extra round of applause for the sequined-jacket-and-curls idea.

6. Speaking of Bala #2: mouthing along to the sound effects during the first dance sequence, when he’s right in front and you can’t miss it. Nine out of ten video directors would have cut, told him to knock that off, and re-shot it. The tenth is Boss Yerbolat, and God bless him for it.

7. I mean they all look good:

apologies again for the small GIF but static shots didn't do AZ justice

8. Y’all know what it’s time to talk about.

@miiumao commented to me that The Hat was the second time she’d been genuinely shocked by Ninety One and their approach to masculinity, the first time being the 2016 New Year’s greetings video -- which I, used to K-pop conventions, hadn’t found shocking at all. Which should serve as a reminder to you all that I am not a good source on gender presentations in Kazakhstan. But that hasn’t stopped me before and it’s not going to now.

I love the hat. Or, rather, the decision to use the hat. Which should shock no one. (For what it’s worth I remain convinced, in the absence of direct evidence, that Bibotta was inspired by Taemin’s “Everybody”-era promotional pictures.) That said, I don’t think the hat entirely works on Ace. His scenes play as if Boss Yerbolat instructed him to act haughty and disdainful, and he overshot “haughty and disdainful” and landed on “I was promised a nap twenty minutes ago goddamn it.” Y’all know AZ would have handled that hat without a second thought. Bala probably could’ve worked the hat just fine. (ZaQ would have said hell no, and Alem would have lasted about thirty seconds before bursting out laughing.) So that Ace got the hat is interesting in and of itself.

Assume with me two different spectra of masculinity, or “masculinity” if you prefer: female/male and boy/man. Add in submissive/dominant, which is (again, in the West; I can’t speak for Kazakhstan) culturally tied to the first two, for better or for worse. AZ, for example, has been using more coded-feminine and coded-submissive gestures -- compare his body language in the “Aiyptama” video to that in “Su Asty” or “Ah! Yah! Mah!” and you’ll see what I mean -- but he never really comes across as boyish, as opposed to full-on adult. It’s something of a surprise, in the Space videos, to hear him giggle.

Whereas Ace has been in charge of boyish appeal from the very first verse of “Aiyptama.” (See Anne Helen Petersen on boyishness and the teen idol -- again speaking very specifically of a Western, Hollywood-produced set of products.) There’s a reason why my fellow Eaglez (*kisses* to Cay and Crystal) used to joke about picking him up from the day care. As late as “Yeski Taspa Bii’“ he’s the guy gently hugging and listening to the girl while the other four act out drama in the background. The appeal of the boyish hero is that he steps aside from the dominant/submissive paradigm, in his practice of gentleness and restraint. To play with dominant/submissive tropes is adult territory. To play with obvious femininity is too, for that matter: we can deal with grown men using feminine gestures to paradoxically assert their power -- think Little Richard and David Bowie; that’s the tradition that I’d argue AZ is working in, and G-Dragon worked in some before AZ -- but the feminized “boy” is another matter entirely.

But in “Bayau” we got prone, head-bowed, eyeliner-to-hell-and-back, shyly-smiling Ace talking about his personal patron of the night: the boyish member seemingly going for submissive tropes in a way that suggested he knew what he was doing. And now on top of that is a shooting-for-haughty Ace with an exaggerated hat that reads as feminine and body language that runs counter to the rest of the video -- Alem is throwing his body around the space as he does, Bala is at the head of the table, ZaQ is at the podium, but Ace has his legs crossed and arms folded close to his body. Thus boyish + feminine + haughty and imperial + submissive = ...? I don’t know! No wonder Ace needed a nap.

9. Leaving that entirely unresolved and turning to a different aspect of Ninety One’s treatment of gender: ZaQ starting his final announcement with “Ladies and the rest!” I love that. Intentionally or not, it comes across as Ninety One centering itself as a group that appeals to women and talks to women, without apology: with insolent pride, actually.

10. I haven’t spoken of ZaQ enough here, so speaking of ZaQ: his declaration that “My skill is a collection of randomly scattered rhymes in accelerated motion,” which is both sweetly self-deprecating and 100% accurate.

11. And finally: if you can do it, you can do it! Do it! Back to the point about specificity: if “Ah! Yah! Mah!” were my first Ninety One single I wouldn’t find anything particularly interesting or inspiring about the line. But knowing what they’ve done so far, and what they’re doing, and what they’re trying to do -- create an entire music scene practically out of whole cloth, in Kazakh no less, which let me emphasize is not the dominant language of pop even within Kazakhstan. And ambitious enough and grandiose enough to try and create this scene not by analyzing their steps with the question of how each will appeal to the broadest possible audience, but by building their own narrative and all but daring the audience to follow along. Not if it will work or if it will sell or if it’s acceptable, but if you can do it. And I’m listening and feeling a new energy, wanting to scream too. Ah! Yah! MAAAAH!