#again big thing is just get money so we arent totally fucked and alone before my father is tried in court

[gwensy]

[unkokurt]

I dont know if you will ever see this, and frankly I dont care at this point I just need to get this shit off my chest. I can honestly say that I wish i never met you. I wish I never sent you that message telling you how i really felt after all these years. I shouldve left you unhappy and alone with Devonte. All I got was a girlfriend who neglected my needs and still expected me to meet hers regardless of how she treated me! A girlfriend who didnt take anything i said or felt into consideration. A girlfriend who only put herself first and never cared how it affected me or our relationship, a girlfriend who always played the victim and runs back home when anything goes wrong even if her actions caused it! A girlfriend who was mentally and physically abusive. When i said i deserved better i meant that shit whole heartedly. I repeatedly told you what was bothering me and what needed to change and yet you made no effort at all to fix those things. I guess you feel as if you dont need to do any work on yourself and thats fine, but im good on that bullshit. You gave me crumbs and expected so much in return. You didnt even give the bare minimum literally time, and support! I shouldnt have had to ask for these things to begin with!

I want you to know I didnt leave because of money, it may have been a part of the issue but its far from the main reason I left. I left because you were a bad partner and girlfriend. You were selfish as fuck and just told me what i wanted to hear rather than genuinely fixing the issue, my needs never were a priority. It took what 2 years and a handful of fights and break ups for you to start making time for me? Yet any time you had you’d go spend with friends instead because “we lived together”. Then when id be irritated about it you’d try and make it seem as if i was jealous you had friends! Like nah i was irritated because you never made time for me but will make time for just about anybody else! Why i waited that long for quality time with you is beyond me! All the while supporting us while you finished college! Then the moment you could actually help out. You leave me to fend for myself yet again! Not like id been asking for some financial support for a year and a half +. Your response everytime was “but what about MY savings” like im not paying 4k a month in bills because of you and your fucking “needs”! Then you have the nerve to call me fucking selfish! The funniest part is when you told me “if you had this opportunity you wouldnt take it?” To be real with you, if it meant leaving you to fend for yourself knowing full well you were struggling I wouldnt. But thats why me and you arent the same. I wouldnt make my partners life harder just for some financial gain but i guess thats just me being selfish huh? And honestly you telling me youd do anything to make it work between living with me and your grandmas just to literally do nothing and tell me im on my own was total bullshit. I shouldve just broke things off months ago like i planned. Idk why i listened to you when you said youd do anything because i knew damn well you were lying!

You make me out to be such a bad person and you make all these post on tumblr like “get you somebody whos in the mood for you everyday” guess what I was in the mood for you everyday. I wanted to marry you and have a family the whole 9 yards. But you PUSHED me away and made me resent and hate you. Its wild how you sit there pretending to be a victim in all of this when you literally left me to figure shit out on my own for the fucking millionth time! Like you really thought i wasnt gonna get sick of your shit? You fucked me over and acted like it wasnt a big deal because you were playing savior to your family. That was the final straw for me. You constantly putting EVERYTHING before me, and our relationship. I never wanted to walk away but you left me no choice. You showed me your true colors time and time again, Id have to be a fucking idiot to keep letting you do this shit to me! I just want closure and to move on with my life after spending 10 years wasted on some fantasy relationship that was shit both times around! Same bullshit just 10 years apart. Id say i wish you the best but id be lying. I hope the day you decide to put your all into somebody they break your fucking heart like you did mine! I hope you learn what it feels like to put somebody first just for them to put you last when it really matters. I hope they walk out on you every time you make them upset! I hope you wake up one day and regret ever treating me this way and you have to live with that for the rest of your fucking life! Itll be no surprise to me if none of your future relationships work out if you continue to treat your significant others this way. Nobody wants to be neglected and treated like their replaceable.

[whale-shark-queen]

You mentioned fucked up weird AUs in your one post? I'm interested. Tell me about your favourite one(s)!!

AAAaaaah thank you so much!!

Uhhhhhhh heck most of them involve N turning into some horrible Thing because he’s the Estranged Outsider with a Connection to the Bad Guys Even If It’s Not Willingly (yknow like how Eren from snk is a titan shifter or Rin from blue exorcist is part demon) and all of them involve vuvuzelashipping (Nxall the Nuvema lot) I don’t really have a single favourite but I’ll summarize the ones I like most (also note that some of them are good dad Ghetsis/Dadsis aus because u gotta balance out the angst somehow plus dadsis aus are Cool)

Under the cut because I literally can’t summarise for shit and I’m sure no one wants to scroll past 3 pages worth of this (mobile users I apologise since the app is SHIT and refuses to even acknowledge these) 

Also here’s a bit of an index so u can skip to ones that sound interesting instead of going through them all but first u should ask nationalharmonica about her aus bc I love all of hers and they’re awesome and need more love and she also helped with alot of these aus too!! ESPECIALLY the Dragonflower au which I won’t include here because I think she has it on her blog somewhere already.  If ur wondering why I haven’t posted any of these it’s because a) i have neither the skill, time or patience to draw up proper references for all of the characters involved and b) I’m always worried theyll seem too Out There for some people but here we go au masterpost i guess, if anyone reading would like more info feel free to ask!!!

Bacterial Contamination inspired au aka bacterial pestileNce

BotW au

Ib au

PMMM au (the longest one)

Plasma/Aether swapover, N wins+UB monochromeshipping au

Simple fNaf dadsis au

sister locatioN dicksis au (yes I have two for that because I only found out about the secret springtrap cutscene at the end of SL that changes everything the other day)

Nombie (dadsis) au

isolatioN au- Au based on the song Bacterial Contamination.  N goes to the snobbiest most pretentious school you can imagine only because his ex mafia boss dad wants the best for him.  N hides the fact he’s being relentlessly bullied until a teacher phones Ghetsis up asking why N is in such a state whenever he comes into school (BC bruises and cuts and looking roughed up in general).  N goes to therapy and gets meds but surprise they’re an experimental drug and he’s a bug boy now

- BotW au where Touya is Link, Cheren as Revali, Bianca is Mipha and Touko is Zelda.  Ghetsis (who is kinda like Demise if he hung around to make sure his curse worked) is the king of a neighboring region who’s a bit of a warmongering asshole but his son N is friends with princess Touko and her…ahem, associates, which is the only reason Touko’s dad stays civil with him at all.  He uses this to his advantage and infects N with the Malice and reveals his plan to take over Unova, knowing fine well that N would run away to Touko for help.  The truth is he’d set up N to be a ticking time bomb and eventually he becomes the Calamity.  After the whole ~100 year coma and releasing the divine beasts~ thing Touya only remembers who N is after killing him but dw there’s a blood moon just as Touko is sealing the Malice away and N’s freed spirit is brought back to become a friendly giant fluffy spider boy just because I said so

- Ib au with N as Mary (obv Ghetsis is Guertena) except instead of going crazy and trying to kill everyone and being burned up and dying himself the toutous make him sit in the frame while they drag it out of the portal to the real world: problem solved.  I have all this stuff about the others being able to step into his frame but he can’t leave unless someone else draws him so he can possess the drawing but I won’t go into it here BC this post is gonna be long enough already

-Okay I have two madoka aus because possibilities for N are Ndless but I’ve only really developed the dicksis version whereas I only have a witch design for a possible dadsis version so here’s the dicksis one.  The first: Ghetsis is kinda like Walpurgisnacht and N was originally a familiar that represented Ghetsis’ interest being only in things that directly oppose him who was becoming powerful enough to become a witch of his own.  Not wanting him to have even a fraction of power himself Ghetsis transformed him into a human shape, gave him sentience and intelligence and as close to a pure heart as possible so he would be easier to manipulate and led him to believe that magical girls/boys hunt down innocent witches for fun and have witches trapped in their soul gems and tasks N with stealing people’s soul gems to ‘free the witch inside’.  The problem is that the alteration gave N the mindset of ‘innocents who aren’t involved must be protected at all costs’ rather than Ghetsis’ mindset of ‘don’t give a fuck about anyone unless they’re a problem’.  N is also sent to integrate into human society so that he can find magical peepos easier so he ends up coincidentally going to school with the Nuvema kiddos.  He ends up becoming friends with them until he finds out Cheren and Bianca are magicas (I’m just gonna call them that for simplicity) but even though the toutous arent magicas they still support them which is all very upsetting and conflicting for N but he tries his best to protect the witches and steal more soul gems until the others eventually call him out on it and prove to him that the shit Ghetsis told him is bull.  When he goes to confront him about it it’s too late, Ghetsis has absorbed enough witches to become a Walpurgisnacht-like entity, and finally allows N to become a witch.  I’ll link the drawings I’ve done of him but basically his labyrinth would be like a puppet theater and even tho hes the witch he’d have this fuckin giant messed up ghetsis-lookin puppet master familiar who pulls at his strings and coordinates his attacks.  There’d be an audience of masked figures that look like all the magicas he’s caused the deaths of, tiny animals with scissors to represent his wish for freedom and also his fear of his ‘father’ since they never actually get to cut the strings holding him up, and figures that look a heck of a lot like the nuvema kiddos watching in a balcony.  This is all tied into a theory I came up with that almost all the witches are able to be saved since yknow how Homura had that figure of Madoka locked away and Madoka was able to bring her back, and how Sayaka had the violin guy and Charlotte had that doll that probably represents her dead mother? My guess is that if the people those figures represent are brought to the witch and reach out to them the magical girl inside would be able to be freed.  But yeah since N was never really a human the Nuvema kiddos can only really save a fraction of his conscious and he ends up like Bebe.  They all beat the shit out of Ghetsis and everyone lives happily ever after with their pocket witch bf

- the au where 1) plasma and aether are sort of swapped around and 2) N beats the toutous in the final battle.  This is actually based on nationalharmonica’s courtesaN au which is awesome BTW (but it doesn’t involve actual courtesans or N being a courtesan at all but its Sarah’s au so if you’re interested you should totally ask her about it).  Ghetsis keeps Touko and Touya prisoner and just to rub it in their faces blackmails Cheren and Bianca into joining and doing sciency experiment shit which ends up with Touko and Touya becoming UB fusions/hybrids themselves; Touya with Kartana and Touko with Celesteela.  Ofc in the later stages they are able to destroy their place of confinement and escape with Cheren and Bianca to find N who becomes understandably fucked off and upset that his friends have been put through all this shit but begs them not  to kill Ghetsis so he can ask what’s going on.  When he does Ghetsis stabs him with a syringe full of UB fusion shit because he knows fine well hes gonna die he just wanted a final ‘fuck you’ before he is killed by both fire and paper cuts.  Surprise! It’s a Guzzlord.  N becomes a big squishy boy. I’ve done drawings of N in human Guzzlord fusion/hybrid form but I’ve been afraid of posting it but uh if anyones interested i will

- Simplified fNaf dadsis au - basically N and the Nuvema kiddos are the ones that were killed and stuffed in the animatronics, Ghetsis owns the place but risks going bankrupt pouring money into helping find the culprit and also his son and his friends when they’ve been stuck in the one restaurant he kept open to stay afloat.  Nate is the new nightguard and they decide to fuck with him to get rid of some of the boredom of being alone together in the one building for like…30 years or so.  In the end they fess up and make Nate pizza as an apology and they’re chill again

- sister locatioN dicksis au - I already summarised a thing i wrote of it in response to an anon but I’ll include here too.  Once again Ghetsis owns all the shit with the animatronics.  Anthea and Concordia get killed by one of them when they were young so years later Ghetsis sends N down to ‘free’ them (surprise he only wanted to get rid of N) but since their spirits have been fused into one hideous amalgamation of animatronics they’ve gone a bit loopy and want to leave.  The whole scooping room thing ensues and they accidentally turn their brother into a zombie

- Nombie au bc Z is a sideways N heheh I ahven’t thought up much of the background for it but it involves Plasma being a pharmaceutical company that is sort of accidentally being the cause of it.  N gets separated from his dad who ends up being the leader of a large group of people in a little town sort of thing they were able to reclaim but is Sad bc he thinks his son is dead which ends up being half true bc surprise N is half immune and ends up being a conscious zombie boy who wears a curtain as a cloak so he doesnt immediately frighten people bc he got his eye shot out by hillbilies, his face scratched up, his throat bitten out and his heart impaled on a pole (hes a freak without a human heart geddit) zombie apocalypse stuff happens

- isolatioN au - basically spawned from the thought of ’what if N was kept even more hidden away/locked up/never even left at all’.  Plasma is instead secretly in the Pokemon poaching/hunting/selling business but are disguised as…well you already know about Plasma.  The nuvema kiddos had varying levels of rough childhood and were desperate for money so they all joined up; the toutous as night guards and the dualrival s as researchers.  Hidden deep in the facility is a certain tree haired manchild who has been kept in a cage for pretty much his entire life.  Ghetsis does a mother gothel and makes out its to keep him safe and brings him Pokemon to ask about where they live and what other kinds of Pokemon live there so that Ghetsis can release them safely back into the wild go hunt for more Pokemon in the area if there’s anything good there

There’s a few more that I have but I won’t include them because im worried it’d be a waste of time if no one takes interest in any of these but uh thanks for asking and reading if you did!!!

[youropiniondoesnotmattertome]

A Note To Myself

What am i going to write here is a voice on my own of which your remarks,judgment,thoughts and opinions are not necessary to me. Every soul has its own story and journey to tell, so if you are thinking i am just overreacting and being such a drama queen...then i can just tell you to...FUCK OFF! Thank you.

This note is written by me to myself if i ever get out of this messy current situation I’m having..So, in 5 years time...dear me, please take a look at this note again and evaluate yourself.

Dear N******,

22nd March 2017, 11.22pm.

I never feel such a total wrecked as what i felt today. Waking up today feeling quite miserable after receiving a phone call from a headhunter saying my application could not be entertained because i was not qualified for it.(they didnt specify it in their advertisement anyway...so not my fault)

Feeling a little low while the morning is still early then i decided to go back to sleep...i didnt sleep quite well though..even had a dream about my ex/bf, Afiq.

The morning didnt go quite well...feeling depressed starting to consume me..so i’ve decided to take my little sisters to House of Cats...maybe that will distract my mind a little bit..it does but not for long...once i reached home...the pressure starting to swell up inside me...I received an email from a potential employer but turns out the location is just beyond considering..so i have decided to decline although i am entering the ‘desperate’ phase of searching my job...Then its where i’ve started to feel my pressure and stress reaching its maximum point.

I didnt do anything. I just lay on my bed. Tears started to flow over.Prayers didnt help. I was gasping for help..but there was no one.None. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life.I reached Afiq but i know he is so occupied with work.He didnt say much.A sign that i am just a disturbance in his life at the moment. My friends? They are all friends during easy times. Its true when they said what matters are those who stick by you through your hard times. But they weren’t there. None of them even remember my birthday after 8 years of friendship. But i try to forgive all of them by thinking everyone has its own issues..but i will always be there for them, in a bit...why cant anyone be here for me?

Lessons Learnt During The Hard Times.

1. Depression

When you are jobless or dont have any purpose of life, you will start losing yourself. It might be okay for some, but definitely not for me. I am not able to utilize my brain. I am not able to make use of my *** degree after years of hardwork. It will consume you day by day. I was so much worse now compared to my DAY 1 of jobless. I am now in my DAY 41 of jobless and i am like piece of shit.My advice to myself is always secure a job before resigning.But in my case, I didnt resign because of no reasons, i resigned because i have to.

2. Fuck your, dear former boss.

I was employed for 1 1/2 years. I like my job. I can handle the pressure. Some even looking down on me because they think my job is easy. But try running the firm on your own (while you are still lack of experience), making decisions on your own, clients looking after your boss but because he never came to the office so you have to face them instead. Try having your office being splashed by red paints by gangsters because they are looking for your boss but he was never around and you yourself have to go to the police station and lodge the report. Try having being paid late for every single month. Try not getting your last month salary because your boss is fucking mean and want to have revenge on you. Try having keep begging your boss for your last salary amounting RM4K+++ because you are in desperate need of money and your boss just laughed it all out. Everyone keep saying, you should have left earlier...i want to but because of considering that my boss has to work alone, i dont have the heart and look how he repays me.Dear Mr.**, i hope you rot in hell and may your life never be at peace for all the wrongdoings you have done.

3.  Broke

My bank is empty. My wallet is empty. I have my savings.But you shouldnt touch that, arent you? That is for the house deposit money i’m planning to buy by the age of 30 since i am not going to get married, so i will buy the house using my own hardwork money. I am going to buy a house, stay on my own and probably getting a cat. Until i die. Might opt for free sex if my faith is so shaken by then, who knows. I want to adopt a child and i will raise her on my own. I will be a good mother, thats one thing i know for sure despite of my depression. Looking at a young child’s face soften and melt my heart. So yeah, i am broke. And seeing everyone having such a good life didnt make any easier. I restricted myself from going out..restricted myself from buying food i want. Restricted myself from buying or going anything/anywhere.

4. Family

Broke.No friends. Boyfriend out of picture. I just have my family. My family. I wouldnt say they are my safety net but they are all i have now when everyone left. I know my parents will be there for me. But for how long? I should be the one taking care of them and not the other way round. I want to take care of my family. But now it seems they are keeping a big fat old maiden pig in the house.I tried to help as much as i can.Cleaning, washing, cooking, being driver to my sisters. I’m trying everything that i can. But sometimes, i know i do disappoint my family.

5. Afiq

My boyfriend? My ex? I dont know. We fight a lot.Like really a lot. Depression starts to sweep in and he is the one that i can talk to.But he said he is getting tired with all the whining. Somehow job didnt just landed at your feet. So it has jeopardized our relationship. And he seems to drifting away too. Not sure if there’s a new girl in town. So we fought again last week. Very big fight until i dont think our relationship can work out again. Its just seem done.I met one of my dlsa classmates yesterday, and she was asking how are we? are we getting married soon...I just dont know what to answer...its really heartbreaking. 

Dear *****

1) When you are depressed, you tend to be over sensitive. Over sensitive that no one talks to you, your close friends didnt wish your birthday. You tend to get very emotional about it.

2) Understand that everyone has their own issues. You are not the centre of the universe. But i didnt think its too much to ask for someone just asking how are you...just listen.

3) Friends come and go. Although you are truly hurt by their actions, learn to forgive and takpayah layan dah.

4) When you are at your lowest you will see who will be by your side. For me, I have my family and Afiq. But Afiq is just a stranger. His patience has limits. As much as he said he loves you or want to stick with you till the end of time crap, he has no responsibility towards you. Thats why next time if you ever fall in love, Love moderately or better if you dont fall in love at all. They will leave. They will all always leave. Think about it, why do you want to be stucked in a relationship with a depressed girl when there are plenty dozens of more emotionally stable girls outside??? Think. And you have seen the signs that his love towards you is deteriorating. I can foresee another heartbroken episodes coming.Honestly, i dont know if i can handle all of this.

5) Appreciate your family. Thats all you have. Money cant buy families.

6) Learn to forgive.

I am mad at my fate.I am mad at my boss. I am mad at Afiq. I am mad with everything.

7) Suicidal has always been on your mind. I keep imagining knives and knives. I was stung by a bug yesterday. It was painful. My hand was numb temporarily. Now i wish the bug was poisonous.

8) Your faith will deteriorating.

You tend to be angry at Him. Dont believe in Him. So mad at Him more than anything and start to question where is just in all of these shits? Why me? I was a good student..a good friend.. a loyal girlfriend...why everything didnt work out. I never missed a single prayer eversince i was in primary school..obedient to my parents...my friends some i know didnt even pray..had fun with their boyfriends more than it should...but they are all having a good life..married. While i am still here..broke..jobless..and no chance of getting married soon. I questions a lot till my faith is shaken. I tried to do the daily prayers with pure heart...but sometimes i failed. Prayers seem to be just like a daily routine. Afiq told me to Sabar..sabar...sabar.. but have you ever feel that you just cant handled it anymore..that you feel the pain stucked in your throat while your tears keep flowing..Yes. Sabar and Sabar...now everyone has left me. Maybe this is one way for Him to teach me that you should only rely to Him and not humans. So that is why I am on Tumblr...i motivate myself by reading all the Islamic quotes from Quran and Hadith. I should be thankful for this test. After all, we are all His creations. 

9) Wait and Sabr.

Cry all you want. Never missed your prayers. Read Quran everyday. Be good to your family. And forgive. 

Ya Allah, i hope i pass this test well. Please don’t let my faith slipping away.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i dont know how i feel. i’m very conflicted and sad. i dont want to be but my soul tells me i probably should be.

hes very excited to quit his job and take temporary leave across the country. he joked, ‘youll leave me now that i dont have a job’ and i replied ‘no, youre leaving ME now that you dont have a job’

‘what do you mean? i thought you said you would follow me.’

‘... i will follow you’

‘so then follow me. thats why i wanted to bring the truck. i just want time to myself first so i can create better habits and stop being lazy.’

at this point i realized my theory regarding north york was right and he was not happy about my refusal to follow him. but it wasnt right. and although this is being spoken about 6 months in advance i feel like theres a certain amount of disrespect? like it wasnt a discussion - it was just once again something he’d do and i was welcome to join him. 

and i dont know if thats right for me? like to be totally fair, i dont know whats right for me. i dont even know where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to o with my time. i’m really figuring all of this out right now. and like i was some years late on this because of all my shit and once i figure it out i think i’ll be fine but it’s ~the seeker again. i’ve been repeating, “i asked timothy leary and he couldnt help me either” after seeing the documentary with him an ram dass. like i have questions that are so deep an profound to life that i may never find answers and maybe thats who the fuck ill be and if thats who i am then how do i find ways to exist in this life. 

like - i hate everyone. i really dislike everyone i know right now but i continue to socialize with them because this is what ive known this is what ive built - this is what i have. i should have done better. i’m trying to make people who will never really amount to much do more than theyre ever destined for and i’m frustrated about it. i’m continually frustrated that i put in this massive amount of effort that NO ONE else puts in and they have THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. i know i’m sick - i know because if i wasnt, if i never had the parents i had - if i had opportunities given to me i wouldnt be here right now. i am so angry at people who have opportunities and continually shit on them. i’m here doing the most with nothing and getting only a few steps ahead. 

i thought i didnt care where i lived. but that was a serious lesson when i moved to the north of the city. i fucking hate the suburbs and i fucking hate being in the midle of nowhere. it is not fun or quaint biking everywhere or being off the main transit line. i biked home at 3am and bought smokes in the time it would take me to bike to the bus stop to go downtown. and i thought i didnt care about the way i lived but it turns out that my environment weighs heavily on me. i “thrive” in a city atmosphere where things are bustling and i can jump in at any time. i have no qualms about missing opportunities for socializing because i know ill have more very soon. being able to get resources to live super quickly means i have no problem doing multiple tasks in a day. it was like when i took anti anxiety meds and realized what anxiety was. i did not know what i had until it was gone and i was able to learn that i did in fact do better in a room. i was raised in a room. and it sounds sad and maybe it is sad but i WANT to be in a room. i dont even WANT a house. i thought i did. i thought i wanted my own little place an if i could have a stand alone room on a street maybe id take my own place but i hate it. i hate doing dishes and mopping and dusting and everything. ive just now figured out how to keep one single room tidy and organized and it makes me feel very good. 

what am i doing? he called me king of the losers. i am. i am king of the losers - of all the shitty art people trying to make a “career” from being an artist; i’m the top of the line. there are “artists” doing better than me but out of all the losers who arent, i’m the top. and i choose to remain this way because i cannot stand the attention, i canno stand being a leader and i am on the precipice of something that i know i can make huge which i do not think even my “subjects” realize what that means. if i believe something will happen - it almost always does. it means i have the confidence and drive to make it happen. its not even happenstance - i know exactly what to do, what cards to play and i feel like i’m there right now. i could take my next step above king of the losers but why? why? what will i get? acknowledgment for the work i did, people will “like me”, maybe i’ll get some money - maybe it’ll go so far that it’ll be of value to something bigger that wants a piece of it and i’ll be bought out like similar projects before me. but why? what in the hell do i care? how do i define “glory” or “success” and is this it? i’m literally twiddling my thumbs with this. i’m biding my time between this and the next “big thing” - the “serious” one. 

so why cant i follow him? if i finally get the benefits i’ve been waiting for, they’re only applicable in this province. i will have to reapply in a province that contains the amount of people currently living in this city almost four months after finally getting it here. although i have no family now, i will be literally half way across the country from anything i have ever known for the entire 27 years of my life whch is extremely terrifying right now. i dont know if i even want to leave this city right now. i just dont know. what do i do with the cats? take them half way across the country? in a pick up truck? 

what helped my consideration was the proposal .. of well a literal proposal. but not so much out of love - but a contract, an agreement between us that when we were “done”, he would pay for me to return to my home province. like itll be my job to find a place to live at but i want him to pay for my return because i know with or without a job ill be able to find some cash when i get back but getting back with my shit would be super hard and i just want to know that the hardest part for me is taken care of so i always have “freedom” to return to what i know. imagine being stuck halfway across the country because we broke up? losing all my shit? having to beg & borrow to get back to anything familiar? i dont want alimony - in fact i think this is the prenup agreement. i get nothing at all except my moving expenses covered which i think is kind of beneficial to him too - he wont have to see me or keep me around any longer than necessary. i dont know if we can legally sign an agreement that says this otherwise which is why i stupidly think maybe we sould just secretly get married to enforce the fact he cant just get up and walk away without taking care of things with me unless hes really shitty about it. its not about beig forever taken care of either - even if i have the money to move i think its fair after everything to just be able to get back an start my own life again without a major struggle. like if i give up my whole life here to go there, the least i can get is my shit sent back and a plane ticket.

but then - i dont want to take a plane alone. i mean, to get there. if he decides to road trip himself with the truk and has no reason to return he may just want to send me a ticket and i’m absolutely not ready for such things not even in six months - okay for therapeutic purposes ill say MAYBE in six months but honestly im still trying to get on a bus to toronto let alone an airplane to another province. i love him but i honestly think id refuse to get on a plane by myself. especially if i had gone through the stress of giving up the cats or hoosing to move or even leave for a significant period of time. he also has ties there and i dont and i feel like i’ll be _the_ goth girl of the province. like the entire province, i’ll be _the_ goth girl. but maybe i’m assuming and stereotyping - maybe theres a whole scene of people there i also dont want to fucking know. 

but what if this is the thing? what if this is that turning point in my life where i say fuck it and i just do a thing and see where it takes me in this life that WITH OR WITHOU A DECISION ill still be living here for the next many decades and that’s really hard to fathom. like some days i think that “okay tomorrow imjust going to bus back to my building in bramalea and say hi to my dad and chill in my room & smoke some weed”. actually, honestly, alot of days. maybe every other day this real genuine feeling of being able to do this overtakes me an i feel very saddened by it. i will never be able to do that and that is nuts. but maybe part of it is living so close. doing the same things. living the same life. this isnt a life i made, this is a life that became. 

maybe if i could take the cats i’d be more stoked on it but even i think it’s impossible. i dont know. i’m just going to try and plow ahead on my own thing - like i had been doing and reassess myself in the new year. maybe ill find “success” and within it “independence” where ill find what i have too valuable to give up. maybe nothing will change ill be desperate to find something different. 

i didnt feel good though. like, i have some insomnia which usually bothers me but i know i napped late yesterday and ran out of weed and it’s okay. i knew i’d figure something out and if iwas soooooo desperate i couldve hit a dab. but it wasnt about the weed. the lack of weed didnt give me anxiety and i sort of sat back and witnessed myself cycle through my patterns of anxiety until i had made myself upset enough to cry. im not sure i had a real reason to. but all of these things weighed heavily on my mind and i wasnt able to talk about them and maybe now even this is something to think about on my own - if i wouldnt leave the province without him, should i go with him? it’s a truly independent decision and if i want to “follow”, it’s my responsibility to decide these things in order to be able to “follow”. the lack of weed perhaps made my usual level of anxiety harder to handle and although i tried, it was still going. eventually i began to think of christmas and how he’d be gone and if i didnt go with him we’d break up and just everything that could follow did and i wanted to leave. it was the middle of the night an i was upset and i wanted to go home

but i know this gives him anxiety.  i know we’ve argued about going home after dark even. but i decided to follow the “switch” - i’m 27 years old and in no way bound to this person. theyve done numerous things far worse and i was essentially sitting beside them in the dark for hours on end for their benefit. i got dressed but it took me another 45 minutes to decide to leave. i thought id regret it - get half way there and feel stupid. maybe itd be really cold. but once i got on my bike i felt like i could breathe - i took back control. i feel like i panic at a sense of losing control of my own life. like i can lose control of situations but if i cannot atleaast control my own life and how i live, it causes panic attacks. once i felt in control i felt freedom - a freedom i didnt have to pay for. which is a really significant thing to think about. 

i dont hate him. maybe this is not about him because he has all the right in the world to decide these things because we are two individual people moving forward and we have to decide on certain things to allow each other to exist in each others lives. i realized if he was going to the store with our friend he’d probably get up early to go which meant i’d be sitting aroun waiting while he showered and ate breakfast so i could be dropped off at home for a few hours. i decided i might as well skip the morning routine and get in a few hours of sleep. he’s supposed to take me pumpkin picking later which i am excited for but right now honestly im most excited for the small sliver of comfort i created for myself.