#after i finished uni i was homeless and ended up living with a friend's parents for two months

[cicaklah]

Ya girl watched saltburn and will never be the same again.

[sukirichi]

happy little accidents

— Life is a series of unfortunate events, but sometimes, there are happy little accidents.

REQUEST. (accidental pregnancy, fuck buddies au) + childhood friends to lovers + baby moments with father! megumi

CONTENT/WARNINGS. slight smut, slight exhibitionism (I think? there’s a CCTV lmao) just daddy megumi uwu

NOTES. hi anon, thank you for requesting and joining the event! I have to admit...I don’t really know how to write this and I just had to ask my mother about her experiences in pregnancy LMAO. I apologize in advance if this sucks, I’m pretty good at fluff but domestic and cute stuff with children isn’t my expertise asggkhl I’m awkward around babies and kids so anyways, I hope you like it! OH AND ALSO I HAVE A CAMEO LMAO

Megumi’s hands runs up under your shirt, bringing about a shiver forward when his cold fingers come into with your warm skin. You feel him smile onto the kiss, his grip nothing but teasing before he brushes the underside of your breast, prompting you to grip closer to his hoodie. You and him were childhood friends; having always liked one another until playing house was no longer a game a but dream, but his family was too strict and controlling – they’ve made it clear long ago this relationship could never and would never happen.

His Uncle Naoya made sure of it.

But that didn’t stop the both of you. All the way from highschool until now in your university days, you and Megumi are still stuck together by the hip, occasionally fucking whenever time allowed. Weekdays are spent staring longingly at each other in the hallways, the weekends flourishing into finally’s and hushed kisses under the sheets, completely unaware of the world you both trudged in.

Today was one of those days, and you’re nothing less of passionate as you swipe your tongue out to taste his lips, smiling when you realize he’s also grown used to wearing your mint flavoured lip balm. “Mhm, Megumi, I missed you,” you placed your legs beside his arms, a contented sigh entering his mouth as he closed his eyes.

“You miss me? I’m always around you,” he reminds you, pulling away momentarily to tug your shirt to the side where he leaves a soft patch of kisses. “Never gonna leave your side, baby.”

“You better not. I’m the best you’ll ever have.”

Megumi nods wholeheartedly in agreement, not wasting time before he pulls you closer to him. You’re almost weightless as you crash on top of him, hands tangled into the other’s hair and his large palm squeezing your breast. It produces a breathy moan from you, a thread of saliva connecting your lips when it comes again – that hellish bitter and sour bile that flows up to your throat. You push yourself off him and run to the bathroom, the content of your stomachs poured while your groans echo around the room.

He’s beside you in an instant, crouching beside you to pull your hair up and pat your back. Once you’ve finished throwing up, you clutch at the indistinguishable bloating of your stomach, leaning back into his touch while you slowly regain your composure.

Your head is throbbing uncomfortably again, one that wouldn’t go away no matter how much you press your thumbs against it.

“Wh-what’s wrong? Are you sick or something?”

You chuckle a bit from the way he frets over you, hands tilting your cheeks side to side while he pales, a sheen of worry visible on his hairline. He’s always been such a worrywart. You look behind him and see the box of condoms in your half-open medicine cabinet, the sight making your heart drop in your chest.

“Megs...when was the last time we had sex?”

“Well,” he scratches the back of his head, “We’ve both been busy from uni, so...last month, I guess? It’s been a long time.”

You swallowed audibly. You’ve recently gotten that box of condoms because if you remember correctly, last time you both skipped straight to the deed after realizing you ran out of it. Eyes flicking over his confused ones, your throat ran dry and itchy from the throw up session, your voice low as you say, “I’m three weeks late on my period, Megs.”

He looks just as shocked as you are, but he doesn’t give you the time to recover before he rushes out into your apartment. For a moment, you’re left heartbroken at the cold bathroom tiles, thinking that he left, but Megumi comes back a few minutes later, a pregnancy test kit and some chocolates inside a plastic bag. Your eyes widen when he gently ushers you to sit on the toilet, his feet tapping impatiently on the floor while you both wait for the result.

And there it is.

The timer on his phone goes off. Megumi rushes beside you, his chin resting on your shoulder as he blinks at the test kit. He turns to you and blinks in question, wondering what the hell it meant.

“’Gumi...it’s positive,” you cry out, sending him into a stagger backwards when you jump at him. Thankfully, he’s carried you too many times to count that he’s natural at hoisting you into his arms, still rendered speechless as you announce, “You’re going to be a dad!”

It’s been five whole months since you and Megumi turned into being stable fuck buddies, intent on hiding your relationship from both your families, into homeless and young parents whose fear over life and the future only increased tenfold now with the growing baby inside you.

You still remember that dreadful moment when both of you are kicked out into your family estate, Megumi’s Uncle Naoya especially enraged over the news. He doesn’t even give his nephew a chance to pack his bags before he signals the bodyguards to escort you out, then takes away all Megumi’s privileges and former luxury of being part of the Zenin Clan. You assume he’d want to strangle his pitiful Uncle for the never ending mistreatment, but your now boyfriend is nothing but happy, relieved that he’s been freed from the tight reins that always got in both your way.

Unbeknownst to the controlling Zenin Clan head, his wife is much more cunning than he is. He knows his wife always had some sorts of tricks hidden up in her sleeve, but even you were surprised when Megumi’s Aunt Suki shows up in your college dorm one day, throwing a set of keys your way with a wink before driving off back to become Naoya’s beloved trophy wife.

She lent you one of her high-estate apartments and even a humble car, silently wiring fees into your bank account since Megumi’s was already shut down.

Truly, if it wasn’t for her, you and Megumi wouldn’t be able to live this comfortably no matter how much both of you worked your ass off.

Now, none of you had to worry about not getting to make ends meet, no more worrying about putting your health at risk by working two jobs a day along with university – you and Megumi agreed to take advantage of her kindness just until the baby was born, opting to live quietly and comfortably in your shared home that would soon be filled with more memories. Well, as comfortably as you both could anyway, since pregnancy – although a beautiful experience – wasn’t always rainbows and unicorns.

Megumi comes home one day, the food you’ve always been craving from the Chinese restaurant from the other town present inside his bag. He’s tired from uni, even more so that he shares your burden of becoming new parents, but every time he comes home to you, all his exhaustion is wiped away, especially with the evident growth of your belly.

Your boyfriend runs up to you after placing the food on the counter, his arms wide open to get a hug – he’s gotten extremely touchy ever since the pregnancy – when you reel away from him, face turning green.

Your fingers come to pitch at your nose, eyes narrowed at his confused pout. “Ugh, Megumi, your deodorant stinks.”

“You were the one who got this for me, though,” his brows furrow as he lifts his sleeve up to sniff himself. He doesn’t smell bad... “You said you liked it on me,” he mumbles more to himself than you, staying still in his spot when he sees how colourless you’ve become. “Why are you looking at me like that? I showered today.”

“I can’t stand the smell of you, I can’t, gosh,” pushing past him, you rush to the toilets, the morning sickness well present all the way until sundown as you throw up. Megumi stands at the doorway, hands extended in front of him as he’s unsure whether he could help you or not. You firmly shake your head at him, lips turned into a sneer. “No, don’t get near me or I will honestly whack you with my purse, Megumi. Get rid of that deodorant and find a scent free one or something.”

Megumi is left with a slack jaw when you hop into bed afterwards, too tired and irritated to finish your papers. Seeing that he should probably do the same and pamper you instead, Megumi is silent as he crawls under the covers, only to be kicked out with a harsh kick to his thigh and a fiery, “Get out!”

“Nobara,” he whines into the phone, too fearful to even look at the bedroom at the thought that you’d feel his gaze and get even angrier. Your instincts and senses sharpens with each passing day; he won’t risk it. “My girlfriend hates me!”

“I could see why.”

Megumi groans at his friend’s flippant tone, the sound of a nail file grazing acrylics mixed with lo-fi music playing from the other line. “I’m serious – she doesn’t even want me a foot near her! When I tried to join her on the bed, she literally woke up just to hit me with a pillow. Right in the face!”

“Let me guess, you’re banned from the bedroom and staying on the couch?”

“Yeah, I am,” he sulks on the couch, “I don’t know why she hates me. I can’t imagine what I did wrong.”

“You don’t have to do anything wrong for a pregnant woman to hate you, Fushiguro. It’s not your fault your face is just really annoying,” Megumi makes a sound of protest before slapping a hand over his lips, nervous gaze darting at your door again. He relaxes into the seat; you’ve probably fallen asleep. “But on a more serious note, I think it’s the hormones. She’s erratic right now and you can’t blame her, she’s literally growing a child inside of her, dude, are you crying?”

“She might divorce me because of my deodorant.”

“Idiot, you two aren’t even married!” Nobara bellows loud enough that Megumi pulls the phone away from his ear, waiting until she’s calmed down and continues speaking like she didn’t just burst his ear drums. “Listen, just be extra sweet and careful around her, okay? Don’t open your mouth as well unless you want to die. Now get a notepad or something, we’re going to devise the best Baby Mama Seduction Plan that is guaranteed to win her heart.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Nobara!”

“Hmph, you owe me tickets to that fashion show though. Get your rich ass uncle to pull some connections or something.”

“Nobara, you know I can’t—”

“Oh shit, is that your girl about to kick you in the face?” Megumi yelps as his body flips at the direction of your room, both hands raised in surrender with his phone pressed between his ear and shoulder. He sighs – the door is still closed – he should be safe for now. Meanwhile, Nobara snickers cockily, almost as if she could see everything. As always, Nobara was triumphant. “That’s right, we both don’t want that to happen, so stick to your end of the deal man.”

Megumi stays up the whole night to execute Nobara’s plan. It’s tiring to run back and forth in the open convenience stores just to fill the fridge up with all your favourite food, but Megumi is determined to have you accept him again, even if he knows you’re not actually rejecting him.

By the time you’ve woken up, all beautiful and glowing as you pad out your room, Megumi stands up straight to conceal his body ridden with exhaustion. He just wants to make you happy.

“What’s all this?”

“You’ve been working hard,” he starts off unsurely, a hand scratching the back of his head as he gauges for your reaction. You plop down on the dining table and don’t scowl as you take a whiff of the food, blinking for a few seconds before you dig in. It’s enough for him to take as a go-signal, and he walks beside you carefully, his voice wavering and soft. “I just wanted to surprise you – show you how much I love and admire you...all that.”

“That’s suspicious,” you mouth through a mouthful of dumpling, but smile anyways with your arms extended. “Come here, give me a kiss.”

Megumi is beyond elated as he buries himself in the warmth of your arms again, sighing when you kiss his cheeks and jaw. “Are we good?”

“Did you replace your deodorant?”

“Yes...”

“Good boy,” you kiss him on the lips this time. Megumi has the audacity to blush as if he didn’t just fuck a baby into you, making you laugh before you slap his ass, last night’s irration now replaced with a reminder that this was Megumi – your first love and everything more. There was no way you wouldn’t be ‘good’ with him; you’d go to heavens and back for him, but maybe once you’re done birthing his child. “Yeah, we’re good. Get the mint choco ice cream pint for me?” Megumi sprints to perform your commands, and you reward him by pulling him in for a deeper kiss the time, his lips so sweet and minty. You can’t help but sigh, falling for him over and over again. “You’re such a sweetheart, Megs. This is why I’m head over heels for you.”

“You didn’t want me sleeping beside you for a week straight though.”

Your nose scrunches at the memory – that slight change in your expression making Megumi step back – as you wave a spoon at him, glaring at him in warning. “Like I said, you stank.”

But...pregnancy wasn’t all that bad for the both of you. There were times you’re unable to keep your hands off him. Although unexpected and mostly occurring in the most inconvenient situations, Megumi can’t say he’s complaining, especially not when you push him towards the wall just as the elevator doors closed.

“Daddy,” you moan, guiding his hands into your already soaking wet panties. Megumi breathes sharply as he cups your drenching core, wondering how you’ve gotten this aroused without him doing anything sexual in particular.

The nickname spilling past your lips is unforeseen though, as is his growing kink for it when he hardens immediately.  

“Please, please, please, I need you so much – make me feel good, will you?”

Megumi has to pin your needy, trailing hands all over his chest down to your sides, his pupils blown wide as the elevator ascends from one floor to the other. His eyes dart to the blinking red light from the cameras, his Adam’s apple bobbing when you don’t stop in the slighthest, only leaning forward to tug and nip at the skin of his neck. Megumi groans at your ministrations; you know very well that was his sensitive spot. “Y/N, we’re literally in the elevator, just wait until we get back home—”

When Megumi tries to push you away to stop your hands from palming his boner, you growl, eyes fierce and heated as you turn to him. “Do you want me to chop your dick off and prevent you from having a second child?”

“N-no.”

“Then shut up and fuck me.”

“Fuck, okay, don’t blame me if I make you sore, though.”

You roll your eyes at him, your hands moving expertly as you bunch your skirt up to your waist to show him that your bud was already swollen just for him. “Megumi, my boobs are already are its most sore point, I don’t give a fuck anymore.”

Megumi makes quick work of shoving his pants down just to his knees, gentle yet needy as he pushes your chest flat on the walls, round and perky ass puckered for him to take you already. He could cum just from the sight of you bending over for him like this, your arousal already dripping down your thighs as you wiggle your hips at him, breathless in the desire to be taken once more.

There were still fifteen floors to go before you reached your destination. Megumi’s brows pinch together in anxiety that anyone could press for the lift, but you’re also submissively bent over for him, moaning and gasping his name even when it’s only the tip of his cock sliding into you.

He sees the way your fingers hover over the buttons, clearly more prepared to shut the doors and deny others entry than he was, and he thinks fuck it to himself before he buries himself deep into you, head thrown back at the heavenly and salacious feeling of fucking you raw. You’re somehow warmer and tighter, wetter with puffier lips during your second trimester. Just as he blanches at the thought he could hurt you, he remembers the doctor’s encouragement of more sex. Being the good boyfriend he is, Megumi fucks hard into you, groaning and panting when your walls clamp down on him.

He only wants to help you.

Days of rubbing your feet and singing to your belly were gone – now replaced with laughter pouring into your house and switching from listening to Mother Mother into actually enjoying nursery rhymes playing from the stereo.

It feels just like yesterday when he rushes you to the emergency room, your hand nearly crushing his during your contractions before you gave birth to his child.

Megumi has never really been much of an emotional person, preferring to be calm and stoic unless you’re around; the rare times he actually lets his walls down. Surrounded by a group of doctors, though, Megumi stops caring about saving face when they hand him his daughter. He isn’t the least bit embarrassed when he sobs upon seeing the tiny bundle of joy in his arms, so small and vulnerable that promised there and then – he’d do everything he can to protect his child and give them the best future.

Fushiguro Megumi is a hands-down helicopter dad. The moment you’re able to take your daughter back home, he’s already had the whole house baby proofed. Along with studying for his exams, he’s also switching back and forth to parenting guide books.

You can tell he’s taking his job as a dad very seriously. Megumi doesn’t hesitate to shoot out of the bed in the middle of the night whenever he hears his daughter cry, racing you to her crib while he rocks her back and forth and you prepare her milk. You’re both utterly tired and sleep deprived, your head resting on his shoulder as your baby calms down in his arms. Faintly, you feel him kiss the top of your head, encouraging you to go back to sleep with the assurance he can handle it.

But of course, you’re the stubborn parent, and you drag your boyfriend and daughter back to bed, making sure there was enough space to make her comfortable before falling asleep.

Being a parent – especially with the love of your life – has never felt any more magical.

Of course, it was hard and definitely not a walk in the park, but it was worth it. Every time you came home from school, Megumi would already be there, his daughter babbling nonsensically in his arms while he prepared her meals. At the sounds of the door opening, both of them would run to you, showering you with kisses while you did the same.

Both your families have still refused to accept you back – not that you both minded – but it was getting shameful to keep relying on his relative to provide for your family. Eventually, you and Megumi decided that the other stays to take care of your baby while you work after class.

You’re staggering inside your home like a zombie after a long day, muscles aching from too much work and brain barely functioning due to the lack of sleep. With a long, drawn out sigh, you plop on the couch next to your boyfriend who jolts back awake, still careful not to let his drooling daughter wake up in his arms. Upon seeing it’s just you, Megumi leans over to kiss you on the nose, smelling sweetly of floral detergent powder and baby cologne.

“Welcome home,” he murmurs at your skin, your eyes already fluttering close at the comfort and warmth of home. “Scarlet is fast asleep. She couldn’t wait for you to kiss her goodnight anymore.”

“Don’t be dramatic. Mommy will always come home to the two most precious people in the world,” Now, it’s your turn to kiss Megumi to remind him he’s also doing a great job. You know he’s working just as hard you are, and you honestly don’t think you could do this without him. “Megumi,” you begin, tracing soft circles into his wrist to feel his lulling heartbeat.

“Hmm?”

“Have I ever told you I loved you?”

“I think I know that already,” he smiles romantically at you – even after years, you’re still very much smitten with that smile, and the sight of him and your daughter alone has you relaxing back in your seat.

“Yes, but you need to hear it again,” you tell him, cupping his face into your palms. Megumi sighs as he leans closer into your warmth, his hands patting your daughter’s back to soothe her in her slumber. “You’re such a natural at this – being a father. I’m really lucky I had a family with you. It’s all I ever wanted,” Burying yourself closer into his arms and collecting the both of them into an embrace, you smile into his shoulder, feeling like you’re on cloud nine. “I don’t think life is gonna get better than this, Megs. I’m so happy right now I feel like I could die.”

“Don’t say the d-word around her,” he jokes, the two of you sharing tired and dry laughter. Once the amusement subsides, Megumi’s other hand shifts to squeeze your thigh to get your attention. “Y/N...do you ever think about...making us official?”

“What do you mean?” you mumble sleepily, “How else official could we get? We live together and we have a baby. Soon, we’re going to be employed too and then we can provide better for her and stop relying on Aunt Suki so much,” Megumi nods above you, but his lack of response is worrying that you look up to him, frowning as you see that his face is pulled deep into thought. “We’re already a family, Megs. What’s on your mind?”

“I want to marry you,” he blurts out, “I want to make you mine and mine only – I see a future and a forever with you,” Megumi looks you straight in the eye the whole time. “Marry me, Y/N. Please.”

You’re rendered speechless.

You love him so much, you really do, and nothing about that will change. After spending a lifetime with you, Megumi knows just by looking at your face that there’s a but coming afterward and he clenches his jaw, sadness swirling in his eyes that you have to stop him before his thoughts run off again. “I want that too, Megumi, believe me,” you reassure, brushing his hair back with your fingers; a gesture that always pulled him back to you. “I just don’t want to rush things, you know? We can still barely stand on our own and we have Scarlet to worry about. I think we should focus more on her future than ours.”

Megumi nods, albeit disappointed, though this doesn’t stop him from kissing you straight on the lips before he mutters, “I understand but...think about it, at least?”

“You already know my answer would be yes.”

“Scarlet! I wonder where my little princess is hiding,” Megumi announces from outside your room, your toddler giggling beside you as you both hide behind the closet hand-in-hand. Four years later, you and Megumi are married, and life’s gotten a lot easier – in addition to it being a whole lot more domestic since Megumi takes his husband title just as seriously as being a father. Right now, he’s crawling outside, his voice lowered in an attempt to be scary. “If I find her, she’s going to face the wrath of the tickle monster!”

“Tickle monster!” Scarlet gasps beside you, turning to you with wide eyes. “Mummy, I don’t want tickles!”

“Then we better be quiet so Daddy doesn’t find us!”

With your voice intentionally louder than a whisper, it doesn’t take long before Megumi opens the closet doors, carrying you both effortlessly before dropping you all down onto the bed. “I found you!” You all tickle each other and laugh, your daughter falling into panicked squeals while you chortle at the side. Megumi then hoists Scarlet up before the both of you kiss both sides of her cheeks, sending the giggling child into an utter ticklish mess.

While the two are busy tickling one another, you feign a gasp, clutching at your husband’s bicep.  “Megumi!” your eyes widen, pointing deftly at the kitchen with trembling lips for effect. “Can you please check the oven – I think I left something in there and it might be burning!”

“I don’t smell anything,” is all he says, but runs there anyway. Megumi stands in front of in confusion, Scarlet safely bundled in his arms while her father opens the oven, frowning as he takes the object out and inspects it. “Mittens? But Scarlet is already—” Just then, Megumi’s jaw drops, his grin stretched wide while Scarlet keeps poking at the mittens, trying to make them fit into her slightly larger hands. “No way. Another one?”

“Another candy?”

You laugh at Megumi’s beaming face that matches his daughter’s – the two looking too much alike – but for completely opposite reasons. “We’ll get you all the candies you want, sweetheart,” you swipe a candy from the counter and hand it to your daughter’s grabby hands, pecking Megumi’s cheeks who is still beyond flustered at the announcement. “But yeah we have another one – and it’s a boy!”

[gisachi]

Hi ^^ I know that your requests are now closed but I was thinking that, given you have written jealous Shinichi, I would very much enjoy some jealous Ran! Maybe you can mix it with one of the prompts? Just throwing the idea out there, no pressure. Delete this if you don't feel like it, it's okay really. Thank you for writing these amazing fics, the shinran fandom is in your debt. ❤️

So this is the last (!!!) and longest (!!!) of the kiss prompts, and I dedicate it to multiple-requests Anon and to this Anon. I hope both of you still see this. It took me a while. ^^;;

P.S. Special thanks to @artycreaty for keeping this in check. You are awesome. 🥰

41. Kisses shared under an umbrella. 46. A lingering kiss before a long trip apart. (6,489 words)

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.

.

Ran keeps telling herself she has no right to be jealous.

She has hundreds of reasons not to. They’re merely childhood best friends. Life would be much easier if she didn’t involve herself in his business twenty-four seven. Shinichi absolutely doesn’t look at her that way. And so forth.

She wonders why they’re even friends in the first place. If their parents hadn’t enrolled them in the same kindergarten, she was certain they wouldn’t even be on speaking terms. He lives in a world of grisly books and crimes, she in a world of martial and visual arts. Their hobbies don’t overlap. They excel in different fields. They enter the same university with completely unrelated majors. The only bond they have in common is their shared history. Literally bonded since they were four, until now at nineteen.

So when she sees him all jolly around his newfound circle who hold the same interest in Holmes or detective work, it shouldn’t surprise her as much. It’s part of university life, it’s normal, they expand their horizons, and Ran understands that it hits much differently when they bond with people who like the same stuff they do. Something she’s aware they cannot share a hundred percent.

She’s proud of him, and she absolutely has no right to feel jealous, especially when she sees him around taller, prettier, more interesting women from his course block. There is no reason for her to look away with a heavy weight in her chest everytime the women get giggly and touchy while he’s absorbed in narrating his stories.

Everytime she does, she reminds herself of how he didn’t seem to mind when she was casted as the protagonist of their high school play and the leading man was the handsome Araide-sensei. Or how he simply shrugged when she fawned over the brother of a classmate because he looked so much like the karate senpai she was crushing on. Or when she secretly caught Sonoko dragging the detective behind gym after P.E. to confront him about his opinion regarding an upperclassman courting Ran and his only response was, ‘She can like whoever she likes, Sonoko. I’m not her boyfriend.’

He never showed her any sign of jealousy, therefore he must not be into her. Simple as that. So it’s unfair for her to be treating him differently. Getting snarky just because he received sixteen new fan mails again, more now that they’re in uni, and two even coming from the popular criminology seniors he is often teased to? Or ignoring him unprecedentedly just because his eyes followed the back of a woman with long chestnut hair and voluptuous curves? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he’s bound to be attracted to someone else. This is a pill she ought to learn to swallow eventually.

Eventually.

“Shinichi-kun, you never told us about your scariest case yet, tell us about it?”

Kaori closes her notes and so do the other two girls across her, and Shinichi’s eyes twinkle. He truly seems to enjoy study sessions with the little group they made consisting of some of his and Ran’s coursemates because they love listening to his stories.

“At the top of my head is this murderer disguised as a bandaged man, and he targeted us one by one…” and so the detective drones. Ran pauses typing and reminisces quietly. Ah, that one from summer three years ago. I was almost injured by that crazy man during my sleep but Shinichi woke me up in time.

“Ran-san,” Shun, her friend and coursemate, mutters beside her, also stopping his typing to listen to the detective’s story. “It’s ridiculous how popular Kudou-kun is with the girls. He’s full of wild adventures.”

“Yes, he is,” Ran says, smiling. “He’s been a girl magnet ever since high school.”

She watches as Kaori inches closer to Shinichi, listening attentively, chin on her palm and flirtatious smile on her lips as the detective rants on and on.

For the third time that afternoon, Ran looks away.

.

.

Ran keeps telling herself she has no right to be jealous.

She does, everyday, but it’s hard when he smiles at her, cares for her, holds her in a way she’s never seen him do for anyone else. It gives her hope every time the girls cling to him but he never touches them back, whereas he automatically slings his arm over her shoulder because she’s afraid or cold or he simply feels like it.

Then again, maybe she’s giving herself too much credit. Perhaps it’s a free pass for being around him for too long. She even gets to spend time with him during weekends and holidays. It isn’t special because it’s normal.

And that’s all she’ll ever be, a normal girl in his eyes.

“Ran? She’s pretty special.”

Ran reacts to the mention of her name and catches Shinichi looking at her. “She appears quiet but she can kick anyone’s ass without breaking a sweat. It’s bad if you cross her,” Shinichi gloats with a grin.

“Oh my god, really? We can bring her with us then!” Kaori claps her hands in excitement.

“Ah... But she won’t like that,” he follows up, wary. Ran has missed the topic they were talking about and now she’s curious.

“But ghosts aren’t real and Mouri-san can give them a good beating!”

“Gh-Ghosts?” The color in her cheeks drains, eyes freezing at Shinichi who has probably already expected that reaction, for he sports that same look of concern as those times he had expressed whenever she joined him in his way-past-bedtime elementary school adventures.

“We’ll investigate an abandoned house I always pass by walking home,” Kaori explains. “Last night I saw a faint cigarette light at the second floor window. It might be a fugitive or a homeless person or a ghost, who knows?”

“You don’t need to come if you don’t want to, Ran,” Shinichi assures.

Gulping, Ran contemplates whether going with them will do her any good. It’s a nice change, it’s been a while since she last tagged with Shinichi in his cases. But she isn’t exactly proud of shrieking like a little kid in front of serious criminology majors who may feel like she’ll drag their covert investigation down if she joins.

“...I’ll pass,” she answers meekly, and his coursemates sulk except Shinichi, who offers her a smile of understanding.

“Man, I thought we’ll be able to see Mouri-san in action!”

“That’s ok, maybe next time. We still have Shinichi-kun!”

“Shinichi-kun will protect us, ne?”

“Hah. Right. Invite Hakuba too, use him.”

“Oh c’mooon, Shinichi-kun!”

Ran closes her eyes, struggling to zone their voices out.

In her silence, Ran ponders if she has made a wrong choice.

.

.

Ran has no right to be jealous. So it’s unfair for her to be treating him this way.

The following weekend, Shinichi narrates what happened in their late-night investigation. Hakuba wasn’t there so Shinichi was the only available guy as usual. Ran refuses to hear any more details, both of the haunted house and secretly of the girls chancing onto him during the investigation. Shinichi is puzzled.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Nah, just swamped with work.”

“On a Sunday?”

“Yes.”

“Want me to assist?”

“No.”

Her replies are curt from the couch of his house, not looking at Shinichi on the other end as she mindlessly cleans up her digital sketches. She hates how snappy she sounds but her brain is too absorbed with conjuring spiteful imaginations to even think of masking her annoyance.

“Ran, hey. Look at me.”

His low voice freezes her from drawing, and she slowly looks up to meet Shinichi’s serious eyes.

When this happens, she knows he’s reading her. She inwardly chants a prayer because now isn’t a good time. Whatever time isn’t a good time. She doesn’t know what to say when she’s aware everything she’s been feeling is irrational and unfair. She’s being selfish.

“You’re… stressed.”

“No, I’m… Eh?”

He scoots closer, an arm’s length away. “Your dark circles are more prominent now, you need a break.” His eyes turn a soft blue. “Let’s have dinner out? My treat.”

Ran is surprised, to say the least. The last time he invited her out was two weeks ago. She’s become so used to seeing him around others that any initiative from him sounds too good to be true.

“But I need to finish this project by tonight.”

“Let’s have food delivery then!” Shinichi announces, not rattled by Ran’s indirect refusal. “I know exactly what you want. Ramen and shaved ice.”

Her eyes thin at the absurdly goofy expression she knows he makes when he’s being mischievous. “Clearly you’re ordering that ramen for yourself. I only like shaved ice.”

“Damn! Miss Detective gets it.” A mile-wide grin stretches across his face, earning an eye roll from the half-smiling woman. “Let’s eat together on your short break, please?”

He leans within a respectful distance and she sees his smile better, pair of kind eyes locking with her overworked ones. “It’s been a while.”

Her heart throbs for him. So much.

She caves - of course she does - and breathes her acquiescence.

After two long weeks, they have dinner together, just them and Shinichi’s ramen and Ran’s donburi and shaved ice, Shinichi taking a spoonful of dessert from the cup when she isn’t looking and Ran snatching a slurp from his take-out bowl and laughing when he catches her.

With how heartfelt his laughter is in her presence devoid of any mysteries, Ran knows she’s probably giving herself too much credit, but for once she wants to believe she is the cause of why Shinichi’s happy.

Just for that night, she gives it to herself.

She’ll change the dark colors of her digital artwork to brighter ones after they eat.

.

.

Despite everything, Ran finds it difficult to contain her recurring jealousy.

The more she shares precious time with him, the more it gets harder to suppress the selfish emotions. What is so unsatisfying about being the best friend is that she is only the best friend. No more no less. At the end of the day, she isn’t the one he gets to cuddle with, to tease then kiss, to tell ‘I love you’ to, romantically.

“I love you.”

Ran feels her heart about to leap out of her chest.

“But please. Stop. Tearing. The. Cushions!”

The little furball he has scooped underneath a throw pillow wiggle from his grasp. The kitten and detective engage in a brief staring showdown before it jumps away to hide under a farther couch.

Snapping out of reverie, Ran watches her childhood friend slink dejectedly onto the partly scratched furniture. He’s fortunate enough that his mother isn’t around to give him a long lecture on Why Pets Aren’t Allowed in the House 101. She can always take Yukiko-san’s role and reprimand him for it, but as for this and the cat, she finds herself not wanting to intervene.

“Kaori-san sure is taking her time with her parent’s permission. By the time she does, Momo would’ve shredded all the pillows in this house.”

“You named the cat?” Ran asks, amused.

“She did.” He thinks for a moment, then sniggers. “Actually I did. I suggested a random name. She took it.”

Ran merely hums. What can she say? They’re getting close. Close enough to team up as parents to an adopted kitten.

“I’m surprised you also agreed to keep Momo when you never took in animals before.”

“Kaori said she’ll treat me to the latest Detective Samonji movie this weekend if I do. Can’t resist that.”

“Just you two?”

“Yeah.”

A beat. Then he turns to her.

“Wanna join? I can ask her to count you in since you’re kinda helpi—”

“N-no need,” Ran quips, “It’s—It’s fine.”

“No really,” Shinichi insists, “Kaori-san has a lot of money, she—”

“I’m going to Tokyo Metropolitan Art Museum with Shun-san this weekend... so... I can’t.”

“Ah.”

Silence.

“It’s, um, for a project,” she bolsters.

“I know.” The faintest smile graces his lips. “It’s your thing. Both of you.”

“Mm.”

He doesn’t say anything else after that.

“Shinichi, you’re a detective, right?” she blurts out of the blue.

“Yeah...and?”

Then deduce what I feel. Here and now.

“Then you’re going to enjoy that movie!” Ran forces a beam, giving Shinichi a thumb of approval. “And you can discuss it with Kaori-san over dinner. I’m sure you two have a lot to say about it.”

Shinichi’s eyes linger on her, reading her like a book, and Ran has her mind reeling again, afraid to be read.

“Yeah, we do,” he finally says, ending the conversation.

Only a few words are uttered the rest of the afternoon.

Momo resurfaces and curls beside Shinichi.

Momo’s purring is loud, but Ran’s shattering heart is louder.

.

.

Ran must not feel jealous. She is not a girlfriend.

Because she isn’t a girlfriend, he’s free to fall for and date anyone else. Who is she to gatekeep him? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he’s one big catch. Ran believes she’s a big catch, too. With the way she loves dearly, her future boyfriend is going to be very lucky.

Her future boyfriend is not going to be him.

“...mber the required fieldwork in one of my majors I told you? We actually go by batches. The first batch did theirs last month. The second batch was last week… and I— Ran, are you listening?”

“Ah! Yes,” Ran notices they have already reached her station and are now walking two blocks to her apartment. “Your fieldwork, right?”

“...Yeah,” he carries on. “I’m in the last batch... This whole winter break.”

“I see, I understand.” She smiles, getting what he means. No Christmas or New Year’s Eve together. The first time since they’re four. It’s fine, honestly. If it’s a required activity, then there’s really no way to go about it. She isn’t going to lash out just because she can’t be with him in her most favorite time of the year.

“And Hattori-kun and Hakuba-kun will be with you?”

“Hattori did his last month. Hakuba is in the previous batch. I’ll be stuck with the girls.”

Ran’s heart momentarily squeezes. “Where will your fieldwork be?”

“In Akita.”

Her pupils constrict. “That far?”

“Yes... so to cut on expenses, Kaori-san offered her house for me and the others to stay while we’re there—”

Kaori. Again with the tall, beautiful, intelligent Kaori. She bets it’s amazing to spend the holidays doing what he loves and with Kaori beside her, snuggling with him by the fireplace in a romantic snowy night and she might even confess, and it’ll be a great catch for Shinichi, and he’ll return with a girlfriend, and—

“Kaori-san is lucky.” The words flow out of her mouth, unbridled.

Shinichi looks at her. “Lucky?”

Ran remains quiet and keeps walking. It’s dangerous to say anything. She only has one thing in her mind and she doesn’t want to say it out loud. She has no right.

“Ran, hey.”

She doesn’t stop walking.

“Ran.”

She ignores his call.

“Ran… you’re jealous.”

She stops walking.

“Excuse me?”

“...You’re jealous…” Shinichi repeats quietly.

A contrast to his calm tone, his irises beset hers in the cold twilight and Ran attempts to shield herself but her bag and umbrella are in the way. She thinks of turning away but her feet are frigid like icicles, and Shinichi steps closer.

For the third time, he declares, “You’re jealous.”

Hearing her thoughts echo through his words renders her speechless.

It seems to take a moment before Shinichi’s brow arches, lips curl up as his eyes refuse to stray, and she hears a faint exhale even, like he’s exasperated, and suddenly he’s smiling - or is he smirking? sneering? - and...and...

It stings, is her immediate reaction.

For the longest time, she’d wanted him to take a hint. But if she had known this was how he’d react, she’d rather live a life having him oblivious of her emotional struggle. Dealing with that is more tolerable than witnessing him gaze her down in blatant mockery. He sneers as though he’s about to crack a joke and move on and forget such a laughable matter. That’s the last form of acknowledgment she wants for her honest feelings.

Heartbreak and shame and pain build up in her chest like a volcano closing eruption. Water begins to cloud her vision. She clenches her fist tight on her umbrella and Shinichi notices, and he takes another step forward.

“Ran…?”

“I am not, and you’re a fool.”

In a span of a breath, she’s sprinting in the opposite direction, tracing the path where they have walked, ignoring the distant yells of her name behind her. She runs and runs, and as she runs farther, with her thoughts muddy and breath short and dry, she wonders if she may have overreacted.

If he’s done that on purpose, screw him. If not, screw her.

After all, they are merely friends and she has no logical reason to act this way.

“Stop... running... will you!”

She hears heavy footsteps close in. It takes all the energy Ran has to prevent herself from turning her body around but his strong grip overpowers her.

“Let me go!”

“Why are you running?!”

“I can’t...deal with you!”

“Why? Was I right?”

“Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter!”

“Why doesn’t it matter?”

“Because I am your best friend!”

On another occasion, she would’ve successfully jilted away and run farther, but Ran is floored when he yanks her into a one-armed hug, so floored she drops her umbrella to the snowy ground.

“Stop saying that!” he hisses in her ear, frustration apparent.

“What are you— Let me go!”

He hugs her tighter.

“If you don’t let go in three seconds, I will screa—”

“I am happy!”

Ran stops struggling, eyes widening in shock.

Icy huffs tickle her neck as he half shouts, “I’m happy you feel that way!”

“You’re...You’re happy because I’m suffering?”

“What? No! I—”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? How?” The hurt in her tone is impeccable, prattling muffled against his chest as she spares him no moment to butt in. “You think I wanted to feel this? That I enjoy griping in helpless jealousy? And you’re rejoicing that I am? How full of yourself can you be?!”

“That’s not...You don’t underst—”

“I do understand! I understand that I am so incredibly stupid for catching this disgusting heap of emotions for an obnoxious, stuck-up deduction maniac that is my best friend and maybe it’s better after all that he never, ever sees me the way I see him!”

“Stop saying that, Ran!”

She thinks he has broken away, but he drags her back with an insistent tug, crashing his lips onto hers as she stumbles into his arms.

All willpower rippling through her disintegrates quickly like snow in high heat.

An impatient pop resonates as he separates, eyes slowly opening, breath thick and ragged.

“I know that is not how we explain things, but does that explain anything?”

She hears it. The madness. But more than madness, yearning bleeds through his voice so much that her frustration turns into physical pain. Blinded by an all-consuming ache, she tips her chin and presses her lips back against his, demanding for cure in the wrong place. Shinichi freezes, then relaxes. He moves his hand to her nape, four fingers in her hair, thumb treading her jaw.

They look like a scene in a movie.

Under his umbrella and hidden from view, they communicate through brushing lips and tilting heads. His mouth closing over hers with gentle force, her hands splaying across his chest, heavy with something that makes his heart pound under them.

She is so lost in the chase and his tender embrace that for a second she forgets she is kissing her best friend.

Best friend.

This doesn’t explain anything. It worsens it.

She pulls back, ending what she has so recklessly started. “N-no, I’m— No.”

She pushes him away, gathers the stuff she drops, and runs without looking back.

“Ran!”

He shouts her name. Twice.

On the third call, his footfalls die down. On the fourth, he stops running.

She doesn’t.

.

.

Thirty minutes before midnight, Ran stands outside his gate, boots buried half foot under the snow as she rings his intercom for the second time, thinking to herself how foolish she must be to cut communications with him for a week and then show up his doorstep looking miserable like a stood-up date.

It’s the start of winter break.

He’ll leave for Akita in ten hours.

She needs to give his Christmas present before his departure.

She’s crazy, pathetic, still frustrated, and hurtfully in love.

“Oi. You better have a good explanation for why you’re buzzing at goddamn midnig—”

“Shinichi.”

His surprised gasp is apparent even through the intercom. A rustle follows and with a croaky voice, he responds. “...Ran.”

Surely he isn’t expecting this. Not after the tantrum she threw days ago. He probably thinks she hates him more than ever. But what she truly feels is more overwhelming than all negative emotions combined, and may god grant her all the strength to address it all, tonight.

“May I come in?”

“The house is—The house is a mess I, um. I’m packing my stuff for...”

“I’ll help you.”

“...”

She’ll understand if he decides to turn her down. But the answer that follows the deafening pause is a low and quiet ‘Okay’.

Despite psyching herself hours before she came, courage wanes when he opens the front door and gate in his pullovers. She is welcomed in, and the trip up his room is wordless. Shinichi only talks when he points out that he’s already packed clothes for two days and will need help for two weeks’ worth. He lamely laughs when he instructs her to pick the tops and layers, and he’ll take care of the pants and underwear.

On a normal instance, she would’ve humored him and they would’ve been talking right after. Now she simply pulls an empty smile and then they fall back into silence.

She supposes he’s trying to act unbothered, to treat what happened a week ago as a one-and-done glitch in their friendship, never to be discussed again. She cannot fault him when she’s trying to do the same. But it’s not easy when in the stillness of the night the echo of their altercation howls, raging persistently in their ears.

What has he been thinking of for the past week?

Has he been kept up all night by the words she said and the words he left unspoken?

Are they still friends? Will they still be friends after this?

The kiss... What about the kiss?

So many questions. So little words. So little time.

Ran is seated on the floor, folding shirts and stuffing them neatly in his duffel bag. Her back faces Shinichi who is sorting out bottoms in his cabinet. She senses him sit on the floor, back against her but not touching. Neither dares to speak first.

A ringing phone cuts the silence.

“Mm, still awake. Good for two weeks right? Gotcha. No, I’ll meet you girls at the station, no need to fetch me. Pfft. I can walk. Ok, see you tomorrow.”

If Ran wasn’t so hyperaware of where she is and what she’s done, her mood would’ve shifted to the one she’d been trying to avoid. Now isn’t the time to think about that. Midnight sneaking out to go to his house is something she wouldn’t do even on good days. She scans her bag on the far couch, deliberately bringing a bigger one to hide his gift. Maybe she can just sneak it in his bag and leave once she’s done and he’ll discover it only when he’s prefectures away. Brown has always suited him, and he’ll definitely find the overcoat useful as spare protective gear.

That’s right. She always cares for him like this. She is his best friend first, and... and nothing second.

“Don’t just leave after putting your present in my bag. At this hour, I can’t let you walk home alone,” he says swiftly.

Ran’s eyes fly wide.

“How did you…”

He doesn’t say anything and continues with his business.

Again with the throat-drying silence.

Something in Ran’s gut compels her to speak, but she is surprised when he does first.

“I... I don’t like Kaori-san. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

Ran stiffens, pausing mid-motion from folding. “I’m not…”

He leans his back completely against her and she shudders, voice reverberating through her skin. “Ran, if you could just hear me out.”

Unable to talk and move, she does.

“Kaori-san and the rest... They know I love mysteries. They know I want to build my own private detective agency. They know my favorite Holmes’ story is The Sign of Four. They know how many crimes I solved in Tokyo. All the information about me which anyone can read from the internet and newspaper and from what I told them when they ask, they know. Ran, you know all that. All that and more.”

He angles his head to the ceiling as if he’s talking to someone there. Ran supports his weight, curling to her knees as she silently listens.

“You know of my first ever deduction because Christ, my first deduction was about you. You know of the two cases which haunt me until this day because I watched the culprit die in front of my very eyes. You were with me the nights I locked myself in here thinking about them. You know of the interesting, the boring, the absurd cases, everything, because I told you or you were there. You know of the odd way I play the violin while I ponder over a case. You know I forget to eat when swamped with new books to read. I have three copies of The Sign of Four but the one I keep beside my bed and read almost weekly is the one you gave me on my tenth birthday and that is all I need. You know me for me, Ran. Everything about me that is off the record, the good and the bad, you know all of those. Only you. The same way I do... about you.”

She feels him crane slightly to the side, addressing her.

“Ran.”

“Mm.”

“I love you.”

Ran’s heart almost completely stops beating.

“I love you,” he whispers, “more than I am even supposed to.”

All words seem to have fizzled out of her vocabulary as she sits still, stunned at what she’s hearing.

“I’m happy growing up with you, studying with you, bickering with you, acting stupid with you, investigating with you, eating with you, napping with you, hugging you, holding you, taking care of you, simply... being with you. Before I know it, it’s not the cases or Holmes or mysteries that complete my days, it’s you.

“For you to keep repeating that ‘best friend’ phrase, I…” He lowers his head.

“For who knows how long, I’ve loved you as that and more.”

Someone pinch her because in no way can this be real.

“I was happy thinking you’re jealous because it meant a sliver of chance you feel the same way. We could’ve remedied the misunderstanding easily, Ran. We could’ve talked it over like we always do. But I was stupid and emotions were high and in the end I… kissed you…” he takes another deep breath, “But—but you kissed me back, and my heart couldn’t stay still...”

Pulse drumming loud, Ran tilts her head on the side where he leans, wanting to see the slightest expression he makes as he continues.

“If my deductions are wrong and you’re mad for a different reason, and—and you returned that for a different reason...” she hears the pang of remorse in his tone, “then please forget I ever said anything and I’ll leave myself to die in humiliation once I’m out of your sight.”

He lays one palm flat on the floor and she notices.

“But if my deductions are right and you were indeed jealous, I...” She feels his head swivel enough to feel his warm breath fan across her cheek, before shifting back front and releasing a slow, guttural exhale he’s kept contained within.

“I’ll wait... until you accept it. Accept me.”

Ran may have choked on her throat for how long she’s held her breath.

In spite of herself, she knows she doesn’t need to think of what to say. She had it all in her head before coming here. Yet expressing it out loud is a different matter.

She isn’t ready, but when will she ever be ready? Shinichi undoubtedly isn’t too. Yet here he is, laying the groundwork for her, no holds barred and a stuttering mess at that. How she plans to build from it is the question she asks herself next.

Inhaling as though bracing herself, she places a hand beside him, pinky slightly grazing his.

“I didn’t... You never showed any signs.”

Careful and calm, he extends his little finger over hers. She doesn’t flinch, and both hands crawl closer until two fingers overlap.

“Either I’m a great pretender or you’re incredibly dense.”

“I’m...I’m not dense.”

“I’m a bad actor, then.” He slides his hand further.

“I was trying so hard to be a supportive best friend for you.”

“I sensed that but ignored it because I didn’t want to assume anything.”

“You did though. Now we’re here.”

“Would you rather we aren’t?”

“I would rather we spend the last weeks of this year talking like normal than being stupid idiots before you leave.”

“It’s just two weeks, Ran.”

“Two special weeks I would’ve wanted to spend with my best frien-... with you.”

Without knowing it, his hand has completely nestled atop hers, four fingers curled between her thumb and index finger.

“Ran... You must really hate the idea of falling in love with me.”

“Eh?”

“You’re so wrapped with the thought that we’re simply best friends that you hold your love in chains as though it isn’t permitted to grow.”

“I… I didn’t want to ruin the only connection we have-”

“Two friends falling in love are still friends… They are also more. You cannot ruin an indefeasible connection. Friendship and love may be the only bond we have, but they’re the most important bond of all.”

Ran falls quiet.

“Geez…”

He releases a thick sigh, brushes his thumb across her splayed fingers.

“I have shit art appreciation skills, but I can take you to museums too... as a friend and as a date.” A beat, and a mumble. “Even to better museums than Tokyo Metropolitan Art Museum.”

She darts her head sideways, realizing something.

“Were you also…?”

“No.”

Ran doesn’t suppress the heartfelt giggle that bubbles out.

“Shun-san has a boyfriend, Shinichi.”

“I—” he pauses. “I wasn’t asking.” Ran giggles more.

“Shinichi.”

“Yes.”

“I love you too.”

The hand above squishes hers all too suddenly like he’s been blown away and is needing something to hold onto.

“I came here to give your present and to apologize for being so shallow and for acting without thinking and for a lot of things actually... but now I feel there’s no need, because then I wouldn’t have...” She looks down at their intertwined hands.

Before she can return his squeeze, he recoils.

“Oh, y-you do apologize. Running away like that.” He coughs, and she can practically hear the tripping in his tone.

“Aren’t you already used to it? I’ve done it many times,” she chides.

“No. Apologize,” he insists. “And look at me while you do.”

Ran’s stomach twists, heart kicking up a step.

It’s easy to talk without eye contact, but to be requested so after confessions are exchanged—

“Face me, Ran.”

The familiar voice of yearning strums her heartstrings, tone sounding a lot like a plea than an order and Ran finds her head instinctively craning at an angle, hand coiling on the floor trying to calm her nervous beating heart. She feels him shift behind as well.

She takes all her time to face him, partly unsure what to do, partly knowing exactly what she wants to do. Despite the deliberate slowness of their movements, it is when they lock eyes that time truly seems to stop.

Shinichi appears so different, so soulful. His blue irises glimmering, fixated on nothing but her as she reveres him with matching intensity. The same guy she treats as her best friend looks at her with tender love in his eyes, darting down her lips and up like no best friend ever would.

“I love you,” he says, breathless. “Make me your boyfriend.”

A wave of emotion sweeps over her, heartbeat fluttering in overdrive as they huddle on the floor, bags and clothes and time forgotten.

“From best friend to... such a shift-”

“Nothing will be different.” He rests his forehead on hers, gaze of soft blue patient though more intimate now, knowing what they share is mutual. “We’ll still do what we do... With exclusive romantic commitment and sweet nothings that translate to ‘I love you’ in more ways than one.”

She attempts a jab on his chest but he catches her fist, soft but jesting beam all too apparent and she does but play along.

“What about when we fight?” she asks.

“Same. But...” he slides a thumb over her quiet lips, parting them slightly, “I can do this once we make up.”

“...Like right now?”

“Like right now.”

A genuine smile is the last thing she sees before delicate pair of lips lands on hers, capping their one-week fight and their last night of the year together in the best and most unexpected way imaginable.

.

.

Ran keeps telling herself she shouldn’t be jealous.

Not because they are simply best friends, because they aren’t. Not because life would be easier if she didn’t involve herself in his business twenty-four seven, because it wouldn’t.

Not because Shinichi doesn’t look at her that way, because he does.

She shouldn’t be jealous because she absolutely has no reason to, is all.

“I haven’t forgotten about your present. I was planning to buy yours in Akita.”

“Stop lying, you totally forgot it.”

“I didn’t. Stop that.” Half-mast eyes rake her side profile, and Ran covers a mirthful grin with her mitted hand holding the umbrella, then yawns. Hours of packing and talking and laughing left them with roughly four hours of sleep. It isn’t like she slept the whole period because while sleeping in his room isn’t new, cuddling while they sleep is. Ran couldn’t simply shut her eyes and heart to that.

“I believe though,” he wraps a hand around her free one, pocketing both of them in his brand new overcoat, “I gave half of my present already.”

“Hnn. That doesn’t count as a gift.” Her hand shifted, coddling his own to a warm fit.

“Really?” A smug smirk pulls up his face. “I believe I am a nice present, Ran. That’s why they—”

“Screw this. You are unbelievable. A humbug. Why do people like you.”

“I know. Why do you like me?” Shinichi laughs as he avoids the swing of her umbrella.

From afar, they see Kaori and the girls at the meet-up point outside Tokyo Station, though they seem unaware of their presence yet. Suddenly feeling conscious, Ran feels the urge to disentangle her hand, but Shinichi holds on, firm.

“Why?” He asks in a low voice.

“I dunno… maybe this isn’t the best time…”

“Isn’t now the best time?” His smile is proud and natural, not one ounce of reluctance visible.

Although she gets what he means, that doesn’t free her of shyness and guilt. Somehow she feels like apologizing to Kaori for… she doesn’t know. She just wants to. Letting her see them like this makes her think that she’s giving her an indirect slap on the face. Shinichi certainly won’t agree because ‘What’s with women and their logic?’, but still, whether or not it’s all in her head, Ran needs more time to prepare for this.

But to her surprise, Shinichi lets go of her hand. They are still a few feet from view when he steps in front of her and turns around. “Maah, fine, I get it,” he huffs, then smiles. “Then, just give me your umbrella.”

The moment she does, Shinichi closes their distance and dips his face onto hers. Ran is given no leeway to gasp as loving lips seal her quiet. It isn’t as long as what they shared a week ago, but the emotions are loaded and full, speaking fond thanks and temporary farewell.

She doesn’t realize she has closed her eyes until he separates, and she’s met with the most tender, most angelic expression he wears only on the rarest occasions. He’s saying without telling that her feelings are valid, she doesn’t have to worry,  and he doesn’t have eyes for anyone but her. Somehow, the snow is the sea and fish are swarming around but neither cares because they have already caught each other.

“You don’t have to, silly.” Three layers of pink blanket Ran’s puffy cheeks.

“But I want to.” Grinning, Shinichi hands her back the umbrella. “You don’t like hand-holding. You don’t like being seen. Don’t you think that’s a great compromise?”

“Idiot, many people saw...”

“No, they didn’t!” Upping the duffel bag slung on his shoulder, he steps back and gives her one last goofy beam. “I’ll see you next year, Ran. I’ll call as often as I can.”

Wordlessly, Ran watches Shinichi’s back as he jogs to his waiting companions, who by then have already had their eyes pinned on the approaching figure.

“That is Shinichi-kun! ...And Mouri-san!”

“Ehhh!!?! You’re a thing!”

So much for being subtle, Ran flushes inwardly as she returns the wave the other girls are giving her. At that moment she really does feel immature for her past conduct. All of them are sweet. Even Kaori.

“I knew it Shinichi-kun! Mouri-san is sooo lucky, I’m so jealous!” Ran hears their banter and sees her jab his bicep before acknowledging her. “We’ll take care of him, Mouri-san!”

The Ran from one week ago would’ve had her heart crushed by such declaration, but now she’s nothing but pleased and the smile that forms across her lips is nothing but honest. “Make sure he doesn’t drag your group into a random dead body, Kaori-san!”

“Hey!” surfaces Shinichi’s shout amidst the mincing laughter of the group and the onlooking passers-by, and Ran bids her last wave before they enter the station.

Smiling to herself, Ran returns home, the lingering promise of his kiss committed to memory, knowing that she doesn’t have to get jealous because she has no reason to. Their indefeasible bond is all the assurance she needs.

.

.

.

[julianxhwang]

Julian Hwang // Intro

Hello ! My name is Backy (she/her) ヾ(＾∇＾)❀ I'm 25 years old and I live in Canada!  ❀ Feel free to like this post or drop me a message on discord if you're interested in plotting. I'd love to get to know you and your muses! (｡’▽’｡)♡ ❀ 

Without further ado, here's Julian Hwang (fc: Bang Chan (2010) // Im Siwan (2020)), my overworked friendly bean ❀

✮ Spotify playlist:  Julian Hwang ✮ Pinterest: C: Julian 

( Bang Chan & Im Siwan ) bopping along to I’m Yours by Jason Mraz is Julian Hwang, the twenty-one year old cismale thrown back to their business days with some of his memories. voted most likely to live in a library, Julian was known for being studious & self-destructive, go figures you’d always find them taking 15 minute power naps on top of a book, but grew up to be hard-working & fanatical . 

♦ The Basics ♦ 

↣ Name: Julian Hwang ↣ Nickname: J, Kangaroo ↣ Age: Twenty-One // Thirty-One ↣ D.O.B.: October 3rd, 1988 ↣ Education: Third Year @ RVU (Business Management)  ↣ Sexuality: Pansexual 

↣ Occupation(s): Tutor, waiter, odd-jobs ↣ Languages: English & Korean ↣ Drinking, smoking, & drugs: Yes (socially), no, & yes (study drugs)

↣ Quirks: Drinks coffee with way too much sugar, randomly obsessed with knitted things, bites nails when stressed, left-handed, & has a horrible sense of direction ↣ Likes: Coffee, tea, spicy food, mangos, swimming, the stars, the colour orange, the ocean, & cooking ↣ Dislikes: Being late, bitter food, tequila, violence, horror movies, cold weather, flying, & cleaning

♦ background (then & now) ♦ 

↣ Hometown: Adelaide, Australia ↣ Nationality: Australian ↣ Ethnicity: Korean ↣ Parents: Namsung (Nora) & Chongyol (Jamie) Hwang // Step Dad: Flynn Caldwell 

O1 x. Then - Originally from Australia, Julian moved to the states on a sports scholarship for swimming while taking his degree in business at SVU. His parents were less than thrilled to send him away but after a lot of reassurance that he was going to eat three meals a day & get plenty of sleep, the deal was sealed. Of course, Julian doesn’t do either of those things but what his parents didn’t know won’t kill them. Sleeping doesn’t earn scholarships, after all.  O3 x. Then - However, sometime after being admitted to SVU, his parents got a divorce and Julian’s mom moved to the states to be closer to him. She had nothing left for her in Australia and considered it a fresh start. His dad stayed behind to run the family business, a small traditional Korean restaurant. Julian’s still close to both of his parents but considerably more so his mother. He couldn’t exactly afford to jet off to visit his dad every other weekend and even on a scholarship, Julian was working multiple jobs to pay his bills so as not to burnden his mother. 

O2 x. Now - Julian graduated SVU, one of the top of the class, and moved into a job as a financial advisor for small and large hospitals alike. He frequently travels but still comes back home on occassion to visit his family. It’s been 10 years and Julian’s mom, Nora Hwang, is remarried to Flynn Caldwell. He’s also gained a step brother in the process, Austin Caldwell, who just so happens to have attended the same university as him.   O4 x. Now - Julian can’t say that he necessarily dislikes the Caldwell’s but there’s some resentment there. Him and Austin led two very different lives growing up and couldn’t be more dissimilar. It wasn’t so much that Julian was never allowed to be a teenager, it was just never an option that crossed his mind considering their financial burdens. Of course, now with a financially stable husband, Julian feels as though his mom doesn’t rely on him as much anymore. It should be a relief, honestly, but what about all of his hard work? All those years he gave up? The many, many jobs he’d worked to make sure she’d never pay a dime for his education? It all seems so pointless now but what else can he do but keep working? 

♦ personality ♦ 

↣ Good Traits: Hard-working, companionly, kind, & patient ↣ Neutral Traits: Quiet, frugal, paternal, responsible, & a perfectionist ↣ Bad Traits: Self-destructive, fanatical, uptight, & a pushover 

O1 x. Self-Destructive - Has a bad habit of sacrificing himself for everything & anything else. Sleeping, eating, & socializing are no match for studying, clubs, & work. If he’s stressed, he’ll work himself into a tizzy about it until the job is done or he’s burnt out. Rarely fails at completing tasks, but has been known to spell his own demise by getting stress-sick or otherwise working himself up too much. Sometimes (read: all the time) he’s convinced he’s going to fail, drop out, & become homeless. Has a hard time looking at the silver lining when it comes to his own life, even if he is generally uplifting of others. These days he’s chilled out considerably since university but still tends to forget to take care of himself. 

O2 x. Fanatical - Becomes obsessed with tasks, no matter the subject. Kind of a perfectionist & will work himself until he can’t anymore. Sometimes scares people with just how much he cares about things. Tends to go over & beyond what is expected or even wanted sometimes. It has landed him a couple of nice promotions up into the present day though. The only thing that’s changed since his university days is that he almost needs something to obsess over or he’ll remember how pointless it all really is. 

O3 x. Hard-Working & Studious - Can be depended on to put in the proper effort & do it right. Rarely spends time not doing something productive and frequently multitasks. It’s not that he’s particularly giften in the brain department, he’s about average really, but the constant studying earned himself A’s throughout school and now a pretty swaggin job. Definitely not a quitter and pretty stubborn about finishing things and doing it right. 

O4 x. Companionly - A good and trusting friend through and through. That mom friend at the party making sure you stay hydrated. Enjoys spending time with others no matter the occasion, wether that be his sports friends or study buddies. Loves his friends a little too much & tends to be really touchy. Expect many hugs & cuddles. Would do anything for his friends, sometimes a little too much, even if they don’t ask for it. Easy to get along with if you can handle his eccentricities. These days, Julian is still the same old friendly guy but with a more professional vibe. 

♦ (wanted) connections ♦ 

Past (2010) O1 x. Drugdealer - Julian is usually pretty responsible but his need to work as much as possible has led him down a dangerous path, study drugs. Looking for someone who can deal him the good stuff to get him through on minimal sleep. Might involve a bit of debt.  O2 x. Bad Influence - Julian is pretty goody two shoes but I’d love to have someone pull him out to parties (get him out of the library) - make him live a little and not totally regret working through his best years.  O3 x. Mom? - Julian is pretty well known for being that mom friend, so if you need some good influencing, you’ve come to the right place! Just looking for some people he can take care of and be overbearing on.   O4 x. College Sweetheart - Someone he’ll lay down the books for unconditionally, really. He may be a workaholic but he’s also a romantic at heart. Open to any gender.  O5 x. Platonic Cuddles - Julian is just really touchy in general so someone he can just cuddle with without it being weird would be chill. Need some of that wholesome stuff in my life.  O6 x. Good Influence - Julian is usually the good influence but I was thinking someone who brings him food, reminds him to eat, reminds him to sleep, and all that good self care shit he probably needs help with.  Present (2020)  O1 x. Significant Other - Someone he comes home to at the end of the day. Can be married, but maybe not. Take care of my dumbass. Open to any gender. Maybe they dated in uni, doesn’t really matter. Not really set on any details here so let’s talk about it!  O2 x. Uni Friends - People he still hangs out with. Julian mostly stuck around the LA area so anyone else around hit a brother up ✌️  O3 x. Unresolved Tension - Idk maybe someone he had a crush on or vice versa? Make it awkward and weird because I love that. Bring up old memories and feelings.  O4 x. Why weren’t we friends before? - Someone he wasn’t friends with in uni, but somehow met after the fact or maybe they were enemies. Someone he butted heads with but now they’re basically best friends?? 

These are really just some thoughts I had & I might add more later but I’m open to anything and everything so let’s talk about it!! Ofc I’m still looking for more generic plots like friends, hookups, enemies, etc, etc. The possibilities are endless! 

And that’s the end! If you read it all you’re the coolest but it’s also okay if you didn’t because that was a whole lot of bullshit tbh. 

[ithinkthingsaboutstuff]

The good, the bad and the reality (personal)

or the worst 11 weeks of my life.

first off i’ll start by saying this a personal story i don’t normally make these and this is a long one so i will put it under the cut. this is about 11 weeks i had last year, 

 TL;DR: I (21) was bullied and berated by a fully grown women (28) who then tried to have me fail the protect i put together and the tutor took her side. 

I am writing this in retrospect a exactly year after the events. I am doing this to share my experience with you all and to reflect on it as well. I fell that this story may help someone even if that person is just myself.  

now this all happened last year (2018) and i will give you some background into my situation going into these 11 weeks. 

1, i was made redundant so i was unemployed   

2, i could not get any fiances help from the gov because of a law in my country that i a 21 yr adult needed my parents to hand over there tax info which they could not do (due to reasons i will not share here.)

3, I live an hour away from my uni so i need a car which i did have but it got a 30 centimetre crack over the drive side windshield and would cost $600 to fix (it was like that for 8 weeks or so)

4, if i was not living with my parents then i would have been homeless

5, i was and still am a full time student

6, one of my family members i’ll call them T, was having problems so my mother and i ended up looking after there kids a few days a week.

7, My phone got broken two days into semester and i was without one for 6 weeks 

OK 

so at my uni i did a course and basically it was a film production, we had a group and we had to make a film from post-production to complete film

I was the writer and director, I would like to note that the group elected and voted how got what role (there was 4 of us) i was picked to be the writer and director because i had a direction (see what i did there) to take the film. 

the first 2 members of the group where an editor (someone i had seen around before) and a Cinematographer (who was very nice) but they did not care to much about the ‘story’ of the film they just wanted to get into the job and have fun with it and i understood that and was fine with it. 

so i had all the creative control over this production so i was nervous i had never had this much control over anything before but i told my self i would not let that go to my head.    

the whole course was 13 weeks long so the first week was getting in groups so 12 weeks to make the film from post to complete.

now the producer was the women who made me write this, who decide that i was not to be treated like a person for the weeks to follow and has taken up more time in my life then she would ever deserve to. she has tested my resolve as a human being and made me question a lot of things about myself and the things i believe and would still like to.

her name was Luise, normally i would not use her real name but this bitch is not Voldemort and i’m not scared of her and if she by some way finds this then i hope she listens.

Now, the first 2 weeks should have made me pull the plug but retrospect being was it is. in the first to weeks i had made

1, a character list complete with descriptions

2, a story outline 

3, location list 

4, we as a group made a meet up time and what we had to do and complete ect

5, 3 pages of script

i had the chance to see her in another class we had the day before we talked for and i am not kidding 3 hours (not just about the film, and we had 2 mutual friends there)  but i made it a point to sit her down and show her what i had done because at this point in production i was the only one who could and i asked her many times if she had any questions or ideas to add to anything and everything i had done to that point,

the next day when we where in our group she made it look as if she had never seen anything i had shown her like her life depended on it.  this would not have been to bad if she did not go one to say 

‘I thought we were all going to work one the script, not just one person.’

and as the WRITER and director i had to explain to her that well i was going to talk to everyone and get advice and opinions but I was the one who had to make to choices and I was the one who was to be writing the script.

she got more mad and said things like ‘but this is a group, why do we have to do your idea.’

then i explained again, that I was chosen to be the writer and director because i had this script idea that she liked but one week ago. she then throw a bigger fit and i just shrugged and said fine so i put away all the printed (yes printed) work i had done to show everyone away and pulled out a pen and paper and said something like 

‘so what you like to do lets workshop something now and i’ll work on that.’

she then sat there and looked like i had just hit her with a rotting fish and said 

‘I don’t know’

‘ok, what genre would you like to look at?’

‘i don’t know.’

‘ok fine, what kind of story do you want to tell?, action, romance, comedy.’

‘I don’t know.’

‘fine, do you have any ideas you would like to share like a location or scene idea or like dialog beat, anything,’

nothing, she had spent an hour or so (again literally) talking about how she didn’t get any input and then when given the opportunity had nothing to give.

that was the first of many conversations like that.

in the second week, i had finished a 15 page script 2 days before class (which i emailed, so i had written 12 pages in 5 days), on the day I printed out the 15 pages and headed to class. when i walked in i found her sitting at a table and walked over to her and before i had a chance to say hello she said words i have not forgotten and never will

“this is pathetic, I can’t believe you, this is high school grade, disgraceful.”

now i was surprised to say the lest and i took a breath and somehow said calmly (i still don’t know why i was so claim about it?)

‘didn’t like the script?’   

 she looked like a deer and headlights 

‘what script?’

‘the one i sent two days ago.’

she backed down so fast saying, ‘no’ in a small but annoyed voice like it was somehow my fault she didn’t check her emails. so i went into my bag and gave here the complete script she then read. she nothing for the rest of the class.

now i will skip a few weeks but the highlights are these

1, she never came on time (she lived on campus)

2, she was in change of the equipment (cameras, lights, mics ect) she never got the right stuff i asked for e.g i wanted 2 mics so the actors could each have one so we did have to film a shot 4 times.

3, i asked her every week if she needed help collecting or carrying the equipment she said no, but later went on a big fit about how i never helped with anything

4, she did not tell me the Main actor pulled out until the night before the first shooting day.

5, she broke my personal propriety (i have a film clack broad, that my mother bought me when i got into uni for film study's) she did not say sorry or even tell me until i found out myself and called it a ‘cheap peace of shit’  

6, she would try to undercut me in front of everyone when i was doing ‘her job’ (she was not listen to me and when i went to correct the mistake she got mad and got on her high horse about how i made things about me.) 

7, and this was the biggest thing she and i would have weekly meetings and she took that as a opportunely to try and harass me, 

she would say ‘your a bad director, you never give me anything to do, you take my jobs ect.’

when ever i asked her for examples of my horrible mistreatment of her she would replay with and i’m quoting 

“I shouldn’t have to tell you should just know.”

 or when i asked her what she would like me to do or behaviours she would like me to change or what was making her so uncomfortable she said

“All of it, it’s all just unacceptable.” (again quoting)

again no examples, and since i am not a crazy person who is going to change every bit of my personally from the word of a disgruntled women how gave me nothing to work with i asked everyone else working on the production (editor, actors, camera man etc) privately if i was being interpenetrate and surprise surprise no else had a problem (in fact one of my actors said i was the most professional director they had worked with) 

8, and this on came closes to breaking me, she only ever gave me one example of a thing that upset her as she knew it was the one thing i could not defend myself in,  you see i have dyslexia 

therefore sending emails back and forth is a challenge for me and they do tend to come off harsher or blunter then i mean them to be.

so when i explained this she really went to town on it.

‘I don’t care you shouldn’t talk to me like that.’

‘It doesn't matter, your dyslexia doesn't matter your doing it on purpose.’

‘your just rude it’s no excuse’

i ended up having to cut the meets short.

now you must be wondering. why didn’t go to my other team mates? why didn’t i go to the tutor or talk to someone? 

the short answer is i did. 

my other team mates the editor was for lack of a better term apathetic he did not want to get into any ‘drama’ and would really only shrug at the situation.

my Cinematographer unfortunately had his grandmother pass away in the middle of all of this and was grieving for her so for the most part he was out of it. (he still did all his work and i think he had a really good time filming i think it helped his grieving process)   

i did try and talk to my family but as i said,  “T” was having a bit of crisis so most of the emotional energy was going to them.

and i mainly vented to my friends at uni which was nice but they had not advice for me.

now this brings me to the Tutor, 

the authority in this situation in about week 7 of all this nonsense i had sent her an email to talk about problems i was having (again email is hard for me to express myself in)  we were meant to be having a classes check in every week (previously, the class time) but she cancelled 2 or 3 of them by this point (the day of i might add) so i arranged a meeting with them, which they cancelled so i made another meeting for next week, which they cancelled again, you see the pattern.

so on the last day of filming i sent her another email 

one with sentences like ‘At the end of my rope” and ‘can’t take this anymore.’ and ‘has been antagonising me’ and ‘can’t take this behaviour anymore.’

she answered me a week and a half later with basically 

‘sorry it took so long, is the work done? i can meet you next week.’

 so that’s how much they cared.  

it took i think 3 weeks from my first connect with them to finally meet up, but it was too late by then, you see there was finally an incident between me and Luise

now i am not excusing or condoning my behaviour in this but as you can tell it had been a long time coming. 11 weeks, it took 11 weeks for me to break.

as i said we had finished filming but we meet up to see how the editor was going and if we needed re shoots (we did) i went to organise them with Luise and she ignored me. and i don’t mean she looked off into the distance or was distracted she straight up walked away from me like i did not exist, she sat down to get lunch and i don’t remember this part all that well but we ended up walking again and we were next to the car parks and i just remember saying 

“i don’t know what you want from me.”

I then fell to the ground crying and i mean in a ball, hands in my hair crying wailing and shaking, I have no idea how long this went on for but a very nice lady (she was about 60 ish) a stranger to me knelled down and rubbed my back until i was able to stand she and another kind man (a former nurse) helped me up to my feet and Luise was standing there looking at her nails (out of awkwardness as people were staring) after i had taken a few breaths and most people turned there backs and left. I looked to Luise to have acknowledgement as one human being to another and to maybe have some god damn empathy form one person to another. But instead 

She roll her eyes at me and walked away, quickly. 

I am not proud of this next part but i do not regret it. 

I then in all my wisdom screamed the words “are you fucking kidding me.” I then begin to yell and follow her for about 15 mins or so, about everything she had done to me up until that point. until we reached student housing (for the recorded i had no idea where it was until this point)

again my memory on this one is messy but i do remember her saying she never like my script and my ideas and i remember saying ‘I never needed you to like it i just needed you to be an adult and if you had a problem to talk to me,’

and when we got to a big gate that only residents could access she then run in quickly and slammed it behind her and then gave me a very condescending ‘Just clam down’ 

again in all my wisdom i yelled ‘Bitch i will claim this fence”

she looked scared or that lightly jogged out of sight. but i walked it off instead. so after that i called my mum and she calmed me down more. i then emailed the tutor again explaining what just happened including the parts where i was in the wrong (note i stated that i “had a breakdown on the side of the road” in the email)

this was a Friday and she got back to me to meet on the Monday (note that all she said was don’t talk to Luise again and is the film complete, meet me on Monday.) that week end i made a list of this Luise had said what i had said and so on. printed of emails and got ready to just explain everything the good and the bad.

so i got there early with my binder (yes binder) of stuff to go through she then rolled up 15 mins late to her own office, I then went to tell her everything and it when like this 

‘I know you have heard about what happened between be and Luise I want to explain everything that happened.’

she then raised her hand at me to stop and said

‘don’t tell me about it i can’t take sides’

i was confused but she said she had already spoken to Lusie so hearing my side would do something I honesty can’t remember i was to shocked.

she went on to have me explain where the project was at and to not re shoot the scenes and she sent a group email to that effect. 10 mins i had spent weeks trying to talk to this women and she gave me 10 mins of her time and told me that way that, and honesty i was so emotionally tried i just when with it at that point.     

then two day later i got an uni official email for the Tutor and to paraphrase it said that 

1, Luise had come to her earlier told her about what happen

2, she then helped Luise go to the student offences where they where going to put out a official warning against me (she did not go through with it but it is on file)

3, if i where to go near her again there would be trouble and that i would most likely be me failed from the course (my project)

4, the real reason she never had any intention for hearing my side was because as i had already admitted in my emails that i had done what Luise said and the Tutor did not care about the context as she would have to have done an investigation and this was easier for her to do 

5,there was a condescending final line about how ‘groups work is hard, talk to someone who’s not me.’

 6, this was the first time I had ever revised any numbers or info for other people how could have helped me (e.g concealers, student advisers to help me with law and record keeping, the HR department,)   

so I had another melt down after reading this email form someone i tried to reach out to for so long only to stab me in the back and not out of hate or spite but simply because it was easier for her to do so, easier to believe a shallow truth then a harsh reality. 

now to skip a little a head i ended up going to the student HR (that is separate from the uni) and they listened to me and they helped me book a concealer and they got a copy of my new binder, they contacted the head of the teachers HR department at the uni and she talked to the Tutor and there is not official mark on her record but if something like this happens again they can use the binder of stuff i got on my Tutor the emails notes from the meets ect. if something like this happens again. so silver lining I guess.

now with all my ranting a raving you must be wondering what the point of my little confession is, a year later no less.

the truth is i hear a lot of story’s about this sort of thing and there’s always the What i should have done moments and for me that is part of the problem i did everything “right”  I tried to talk it out like adults, I talked about how i felt to people round me, i asked help form when i felt like there was nothing more i could do and i set the record straight from the lies and had evidence to support it, then i searched for professional mental help when that was needed. 

But none of this did anything to change that the women who harassed me emotional and mentally for 11 weeks got off with not even a talking to. nothing after the fact can change those 11 weeks, only how i feel about it..so her i sit a year later and i feel better, I don’t feel it crying all the time now. I don’t get a stabbing pain of fear when i walk around campus anymore and i don’t feel the need to go around the building the tutors office is in anymore. 

To be clear i never hated Luise i still don’t, but to be honest at worst i always found her to be pitiful I mean a grown women in 3rd year uni who could not take responsibility for her own actions and was unable to have even the smallest amount of empathy for a fellow human being is the most pathetic thing i have ever seen (in person anyway)             

she has unintentionally made me come to terms with my own ideals and made me ask myself am i really an optimist or have i never had a reason not to be? I can so far say that yes i am still an optimist. but the reality is life goes on nothing in those 11 weeks made me less of a person despite every effect to make to that feel way in fact maybe one day it may make me a stronger person but i don’t see that happening at the moment. but not to sugarcoat things, I got bitter really bitter and had to shut some doors on ‘T’ i could not deal with their crisis and had to start shutting her out i still had the kids with my mother and i was physically there but i emotionally exited and am only now really trying to emotionally involve my self with them again.

so the point is i have a long way to go, and i am not going to be shy about the bad stuff i have done, because that is counterproductive, pointless and what Luise did. 

so i want to be better then that, I need to be better then that.

thanks for sticking it out here’s a gif

[invisible-allover-blog]

creative writing

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"Too many bongs" silly bastard.

So it started when i was around 15 my cousin was living with me and my Dad, he smoked pot, so did my aunty but ill get into that in a bit. I used to sneak into my cousins room and look for crumbs of weed in his draws if i found some i would scarpe them up run into my room and roll a joint. And then off too school i went. I was on the bus right (thought i was super stoned) smelt more like tobacco but oh well i was just getting into it. I packed myself a tin of baked beens and some other garbage thought it was hilarious and sat next to a girl from highschool and giggled the whole was. That was loads of fun. Serously, it was dont mind my monotone like writing im just not in the descriptive mood you know. It gets like that after too many trips. So off on the gateway heaven to drugs (not good, dont condone. sarcasm) And then my favourite cousin, the on i grew up with just around the corner from me and i would sneak into my aunties room and scuffle around ooking for scrapings of weed on the ground we got high all the bloody time and i dont regret that for a second.. i regret it for a lot more. Im starting to feel depressed brb having some valium. I needed to take the edge off. Its unfortunate weed does that to some people. Im starting to really question the war on drugs, and wheres the fucking happy pill? I remember one time me and some of my old friends "were out the back" (where we would smoke bongs) saw her dog eat a whole lizard we cracked up so fucking hard. She literally dug it out of the ground. Its funny being a teenager and thinking your being all stealth mode while your parents know exactly what your doing. We had this weird ongoing joke that we were gagging and spewing after bongs just to see who would actually spew from it. it was hilarious. I wont write about all of that.

"a Fucking cigarette" for fuck sake.

so it all started when i was 18 i began to lose my mind. I walked outside and saw the moon beaming. i looked up to the stars and wondered if i was alone. Were there aliens above me? was i sent from above. "clearly i was delusion, says the nagging voice in my head. But i was so filled with wonder, i felt wonderful. This was after smoking a cigarette.. benson and hedges ofcourse. I felt as if i was on a trip. I didnt know whether or not there was drugs in me but looking back its okay. It was a memory... a thought maybe i should get Mr Burns with radiation poising tattood on my overly big calves. Hmm probably not. So, that was my first paranoid delusion which in retrospect is a conspiracy that many people have delved into in he past and havent given up on themselves. but was it heresay for them and experience for us? Thats the question that was just on my mind, Hmm. I was told not long after my eighteenth birthday that i was not going to "make it in life" because i hadnt been to university or finished highschool. So off in an ambulance to the nuthouse i went. Because of PSTD i wont go into it, but i will say this; dont give up before youve really understood yourself and the world. dont giv up ever. Suicide, delusions, conspiracys are memories adventures and i didnt line that up perfectly but look life is life, and there aint nothing better than that. Life is an awfully big adventure. Peter pan quote, flipped on its head for ya.

"Lulu" my baby pup.

So itd been a long hard 3 months in hospital, i had just gone through another mental beating off of the nurses. One of them pulled my hair. Cunt. In his defence i spat a pill at him cause i was sick of being over drugged. Valium, seroquel, clopixal, flouxitine, clozapine. and many acufazes... they inject the violent patients with it. I couldnt help it id gotten into my first cat fight and enjoyed it a little too much. They locked me in there and then wouldnt let me go to the toilet. So i pissed on there motherfucking floor. "Ha!" had to clean that one up didnt ya hospital. It was really in humane the way they wre treating people honestly its like american horror story back there, where the people never get out. I had a vivid dream that someone was going to kill me. i wasnt wrong they literally dressed up in all black and came for me. i woke up and remembered the one thing my ex told me "i hope you scream" and so i did and he/she ran away i had suspicions that the black hooded figure crept into the medicine room... the room noone ever walked in or out of? Hmm. i wnder what they are hiding. another DREAM i was having was that there were homeless people hiding in the bushes outside of concord waiting to kill. i guess they chose to see red. idiots. Its been a long 10 years discovering the world isnt all rainbows and butterflies. And im over the hospital trying to cover there arses. be gone with it, they are using it as a prison now, trust me. I saw the badges. I was let go, thank fuck for that. My dogs barking madly outside. PRobably seing things pretty sure my dog sees dead people "haha" or possibly shes seeing things in time. I do believe its possible but what it is is a delay in the workings of the universe. Dont tell me that i know theres time differences. I didnt go to uni to have to see to believe. Thre was a woman that was pregnant in there, she smeared shit all over the walls so im guessing she never even got let out to do that. WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! I guess the toughst people do go through the toughest battles. Im an aussie battler. ive never used that one before, that saying i mean. i really hope my first love doesnt end his life. Same with my most recent ex he just got out of a relationship with me and went straight back to his first love, and to me thats okay. Its good, im glad. I was going to hold him back ya know? i really was he had money and everything. Thats another thing the test of time has taught me. Love and let go. Wow it just dawned on me that the saying if you love something let it go... wait im changing that if you love someone let them go, and if they go and dont come back theyve moved on positively or negatively. I cant help falling inlove with the feeling of love over and over again. He told me he was going to marry me, were just kids. I wonder if ill ever find someone to love me again. I thought i was depressed and broken hearted. and i really was, i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt speak.

"whinging again" the fucking hospital Theyve taken so much blood off of me its unbelievable, okay done whinging.

"sex" here we go. i havent had sex in so long, it feels like years. I cant help that my thing is to make love and really connect on that level where your both in it. really enjoying it.

"by the way" the man that stalked and preyed on kids is locked in a basement getting the shit beaten out of him. I think maybe torture is enough. lay him to rest.

[lastbluetardis]

Under my Skin

This was inspired by this prompt on @doctorroseprompts.

Ten x Rose, Soulmates AU, ~2600 words

John had been traveling the world for years, looking for his soulmate, the person who bore the other half of his soulmark tattoo. He eventually gives up and plans to have his soulmark covered, when it finally completes itself.

AO3

John had been anxiously waiting for his soulmark to appear all day. It was his eighteenth birthday, the day a person received half of a tattoo that would never be complete until the found the person—or persons—that bore the other half.

While he knew the soulmark wouldn’t appear until his actual birth minute, he kept glancing at his arms and legs, hoping to see a flash of ink. But it wasn’t until 11:49 that night that the skin above his heart seared white-hot, and John knew his soulmark had appeared.

He eagerly stripped off his shirt as he ran to the bathroom, ready to inspect his soulmark. But he was confused and disappointed when his soulmark was an odd, amorphous blob on his chest. It was in the shape of a triangle, if a three-year-old had attempted the triangle. The corners were rounded, and each of the sides were slightly concave. If John squinted, it  kind of sort of had the outline of one of those fidget-spinner things that exploded into popularity recently.

Inside of the awkward triangle-esque shape was what appeared to be a detailed tattoo of a rose. The petals spiraled outward with beautiful detail and precision, and despite it being inside of that shape John didn’t quite have a name for, he thought it was a rather lovely tattoo. Now, to find the person with the rest of it.

Maybe then it’ll make more sense as it what it’s supposed to be, John mused to himself.

And so John began looking for his soulmate. Knowing that it was incredibly rare for soulmates to be living in the same country, John immediately packed a bag and wandered to the airport, and he boarded a flight at random.

His first stop was Germany, and he spent a few weeks there, traveling and sightseeing, but mostly looking for the person who would cause his skin to pinch and burn, indicating his tattoo would be as complete as his life would become.

Germany was a bust, though, and after three weeks of touring the country, John hopped on another plane.

Again and again, John wandered the globe, looking for his other half. He called home to his friends to check in every couple of weeks, but with no parents and no job, there was very little that tied him to that damp little island he’d called home for the first eighteen years of his life.

He found odd jobs to help pay his way through his nomadic lifestyle, because he didn’t want to burn through his inheritance money too fast. How humiliating would it be to find his soulmate, but be utterly penniless and homeless?

He eventually made his way through the entire European continent, but he was still alone, and still only had that weird mass of a triangle on his chest, and nothing more.

But that was okay. He didn’t expect it to be easy, or quick. Nothing in life was easy or quick, and he didn’t mind expending his time and effort to find the person who would be his other half.

He celebrated his nineteenth birthday in Japan, watching the cherry blossoms bloom and staying with a family who cooked him the biggest birthday dinner he’d ever had.

His twentieth birthday was spent in Africa, where he spent the day by himself, hiking and exploring.

He was in the Americas for his twenty-first birthday, and he spent it at an American bar, where he was finally old enough to buy himself a drink in the country.

Three years. Three long years he’d been looking, and yet he was still no closer to finding his soulmate than he’d been when he’d left London the day after his eighteenth birthday. Maybe it was time to give up. He’d visited every single continent, and almost all of the countries within each continent, and yet he was still alone with that stupid rose within a blob on his chest.

After spending another three months in North America, John finally decided it was time. He’d already had to tap into his savings account, which he had been trying to avoid as much as possible. And his cousin had just phoned to tell him she was getting married, and that she would traipse across the pond to drag him to her wedding, so he might as well come on his own volition.

“All right, all right,” he’d conceded, “I’ll be there, Donna.”

“You’d better,” she snarked. She was quiet for a few moments, then said, “Still no luck?”

The softness of her voice made a lump well in his throat, and he swallowed it down.

“Nah,” he said, infusing cheer into his tone. “But I still haven’t visited all of the countries in the world yet! Still got plenty to see. They’ve got to be somewhere there!”

He had ended the call soon after, not wanting to hear any more of the pity in her voice. Donna had happened upon her soulmate at an airport by sheer luck. She was leaving for Egypt and he was off to visit family in Italy. They’d decided to get a coffee before their flight left and they’d got to talking, and when they shook hands before departing, they’d each dropped their drinks when they felt their arms burn with the completion of their tattoo.

When Donna had called him a few months ago to tell him her good news, John had tried to be happy for her, but he knew his enthusiasm had fallen flat. It wasn’t fair. All he wanted was to find his soulmate, his best friend, and to spend the rest of his life with them. Was that too much to ask for?

Apparently it was, and John’s spirits were as low as ever as he got on a plane bound for London.

The wedding was beautiful. Donna was as radiant as he had ever seen her, and John really was happy for his cousin.

After the wedding, John decided to stop traveling. What was the point, anyway? He could travel for the rest of his life, and there was still no guarantee that he would find his soulmate. He was just fated to die alone, and be one of the poor, unlucky sods that went their whole life without ever knowing their soulmate.

That prospect depressed him, and to take his mind off of his eternal loneliness, he enrolled himself in uni, taking classes in physics and astronomy as he did his best to ignore his incomplete soulmark. He didn’t need a soulmate, he told himself. He could find happiness and completion in other parts of his life.

The years continued to fly by. John finished uni at the top of his class, and he went on to further his education by working towards a doctorate degree in astrophysics. He had friends, and had even dabbled in dating, but nothing ever lasted longer than a few months. There was never a spark, it seemed, no matter how much John willed there to be one. But he knew that spark would only come if he met his soulmate, but by now, John was sure his soulmate didn’t exist.

He hated soulmates. He hated the entire institution of it. Why would he be given a sign that his other half is out there somewhere, but not be given any help in finding them?

He grew to resent the ink on his chest. He hated that his soulmark looked like nothing, and he hated the sight of roses, and he hated that he had wasted so much of his time and money looking for someone who he would probably never meet.

A few weeks before his twenty-eighth birthday, John decided he’d had enough. He was sick of seeing his incomplete soulmark every day, and he was sick of the reminder that he had failed in finding the one person that was meant for him. He never wanted to see that shape or that rose again.

Steeling himself for what he was about to do, John took in a deep breath and stepped into the tattoo shop across the street from his flat.

A little bell dinged above the door, and the shop’s only occupant—a blonde woman—looked up. She was younger than he expected. She barely looked old enough to be out of school. But she was extremely pretty, and just John’s type, and he found himself walking closer.

“Hi,” she said brightly. “I’ll be with you in just a mo’. Just finishing up. You here for a tattoo?”

“To get one covered, actually,” John said, wandering around the little shop. The walls were covered with drawings of tattoos, and he suspected that was what the woman was working on.

“Oh?” she asked.

“Yeah, I have a tattoo on my chest,” he said. “And I want to cover it up with something.”

“Can I see it?” she asked, setting her pen aside. “So I know what I’m working with.”

John nodded and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his soulmark. The woman sucked in a sharp breath, and went pale enough that John feared she might pass out.

“Why-why do you want to cover it?” she asked faintly. “Isn’t that your soulmark?”

“So what?” John snapped defensively. He had already had to endure his friends’ disapproval when he told them of his plan to cover up his soulmark. He didn’t want to hear it from this stranger, too. “It’s stupid anyway. It’s not even a real tattoo of anything.”

“Because it’s incomplete,” she argued.

“As it has been for the last ten years,” John said coldly, beginning to get angry with this girl. “Besides, the whole idea of soulmates is just mad. I don’t need someone to complete me. I’m perfectly fine on my own! And if you’re going to be such a cow about covering it, I’ll go somewhere else!”

“No, don’t!” the woman begged, and she staggered up from her chair.

She stumbled over her feet, and John immediately reached out to steady her. As soon as his hands touched her bare forearms, a burning, aching pain stabbed at his chest, making his fingers dig into his woman’s arms. She whimpered, and she reached up and pressed her fingers to her chest, rubbing at the skin below the fabric.

John’s head felt dizzy as the pain receded as abruptly as it came.

He was still grasping the tattoo shop worker’s arms tight enough that his knuckles were white, and he let go immediately. Her skin was red in the shapes of his fingers, but he was too busy looking down at his bare chest to verify what had just happened.

Please, please, please, he begged, and he felt weak with relief when he saw his tattoo had changed. Above the triangular blob that had been there were four neat little ovals, each with a comma-shaped spike at the tip. Inside those ovals were more perfect little roses.

“Oh!” the woman gasped, and she unbuttoned her own blouse to expose her chest.

Just above her left bra cup was the same shape, but looking at it properly instead of upside down, John realized it was the shape of a paw print. A wolf’s paw print.

“You… you’re my… we’re…”

“Do you still think your soulmark is stupid?” she asked, her voice quivering with nervousness.

John shook his head desperately, willing her to believe him.

“No,” he whispered. “No, it’s the most beautiful soulmark I’ve ever seen. And it’s on the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Oh, God. I’ve found you! I’ve really found you!”

John swept up and wrapped his arms around the woman whose name he still didn’t know, and he crushed her tightly in an embrace. All of the anger and frustration and heartache he’d felt over the years seemed to melt away as he held his soulmate in his arms.

“You were so rude to me,” she murmured, even as she held him just as tightly.

“I know,” he said, hating himself and wanting to go back in time and punch his past self in the mouth. “I know, and I’m so sorry. I’ve just been so angry and disappointed, but that’s no excuse for me to talk to you—to anyone—like that. Please forgive me, love. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, if you’ll let me. Please.”

The woman sniffled and giggled into his shoulder.

“My name’s not ‘love’,” she teased, pulling back to look at him.

Her eyes were red and watery, but she had the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen. They were a gorgeous hazel and had little flecks of gold in them, and they seemed to shine from within as she smiled at him.

“Well,” he drawled, “seeing as I don’t know your real name, I had to use the next best thing.”

“Rose Tyler,” she said. “My name’s Rose Tyler.”

“Rose Tyler,” he repeated, letting the name flow through him and warm him from the inside. “Rose.”

He chuckled then brushed his fingertips across her soulmark, and around the rose within the paw print.

“I should’ve known,” he said.

“Well, assuming your name isn’t Pawprint,” she said with a tongue-touched grin, “there’s no rule that your soulmark has anything in common with you or your soulmate.”

“Are you saying Pawprint isn’t a good name?” John pouted. “I think it’s a fine name. Had it my whole life. Was planning on passing it down to my children one day.”

Rose snorted. “Not to my children, mate.”

John giggled giddily, and said, “No? Shame. I guess we’ll just have to give them the name John, then.”

“John,” she repeated softly. “As lovely as Pawprint is, I think I like John better.”

“Me too,” he said happily.

They both slipped into silence for a few moments, still basking in the joy and surprise of having found each other. John was absently tracing Rose’s soulmark, and as he ran his fingertips across the toes of the paw print, he asked, “You knew straightaway that I was your soulmate, didn’t you?”

Rose nodded. “I’ve had those toes on my chest for a couple years now. When I saw the pad of the foot on your chest, and the rose inside it, I knew.”

“I never knew what my soulmark was,” John admitted. “I thought it was just some silly shape. Or that maybe my soulmark was broken or something. That’s what I told myself when I hadn’t been able to find you.”

“You said ten years,” Rose whispered, sounding heartbroken. “I’m sorry you’ve had to wait that long when I only had to wait for three years.”

“It doesn’t matter now,” John said firmly. “We’ve found each other, and that’s the important part.”

Rose nodded, and she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck again. John shivered when her bare torso met his. Her skin was soft and warm, and it seemed to make his skin tingle where it pressed together with hers.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you earlier,” he whispered. “I really, really am.”

“I forgive you,” she said in his ear. “On one condition.”

John pulled back to look her in the eye.

“Anything,” he said earnestly.

A mischievous twinkle sparkled in her eyes and she smiled at him again with that tongue-touched grin as she said, “You buy me chips.”

John blinked.

“Chips?” he repeated, sure he heard her wrong.

“Yep,” she said. “Chips.”

A slow smile spread across John’s face, and he leaned forward to press his lips to her forehead.

“All right then, Rose Tyler,” he said. “One great big basket of apology chips, coming up.”

He quickly buttoned up his shirt and watched her do the same before he reached out and wiggled his fingers. She threaded her fingers through his, and stepped close to him so she could hug his arm to her chest as he led her out of the tattoo shop and into the busy London street beyond.

[mendesforpresident]

Double date?

(let’s just pretend that Aaliyah isn’t 5 years younger than Shawn, more like 2-3 idk)

Since birth, that’s how long you’ve been friends with Aaliyah Mendes. Through all the weird vines, memories of middle school and even all the random friend requests from @ilovemendes699 or @isabellamendes90. You’ve been friends for almost 19 years now and it’s been one hell of a ride. And one of the greatest drops of that roller coaster begins today, Aaliyah’s first serious boyfriend. They’ve been dating for 6 months now and you’ve known about it for 2 weeks. Asking all the juicy details and FINALLY today you meet him. 

“Hey so Shawn’s also gonna be coming with us and um I might die before we reach the restaurant ” begins Aaliyah while leaning her weight against the door frame of my room. “ okay, good to know I won’t be third wheeling the whole night” you respond, deep down you feel your heart flutter and brain buzz as if they’ve got some little secret you’re yet to know. “ yeah so it’s basically a double date” Aaliyah trails off quietly. You finally clasp the necklace you’ve been wrestling with on your neck, and give her a look that could kill “ Liyah (lea) stop it” ever since the 8th grade when your hormones began to rage (and everything started to grow) and you began to crush on Shawn, Aaliyah has been playing matchmaker. But your crush soon ended when you found out that Shawn had been into his friend, Lauren. “Come on we could be sisters, and imagine all the family pictures. Oh my gosh it would be soooooo cute” Liyah begged. You pulled on your sandals and checked your outfit in the mirror. A wrap around denim skirt with a white v-neck and a gold necklace that reads your name. “ You ready?” you asked dismissing her pleading, and walking down the hall into the living room. You grabbed the keys to your black jeep and tossed them to Aaliyah. “your driving” you called back to her while climbing into the passenger seat of the jeep. 

After high school had ended you and Aaliyah went house hunting with the help of your mums, the two of you found the perfect place that was close to both yours and Aaliyah’s university.  On the drive to Shawn’s condo Aaliyah blabs about how Tristan (her new boyfriend) got her a promise ring and how she’s excited to finally be able to wear it around you and blah blah blah blah blah... all you can think about is the exam you have next week in science class. What was it about, earth science or anatomy, like human stuff. Abdomen muscles and biceps? All things Shawn has a very large amount of... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! You pushed that thought aside as you feel the automobile come to a stop and the honking horn pulls you out of dreamboy-land. You see a freshly made up 21 year old Shawn walking out the doors of his condo complex. The dress shirt he chose, defining his everything and black skinny jeans covering his mile-long legs. He leans on driver side window “ hello my dear sister “ he greets Aaliyah with a kiss on the cheek “Hey Y/N , your looking stunning as usual ” Shawn greets you with a wink and a wave. “so where is he?” Shawn says looking into the back of the car from the window. “We’re meeting at the restaurant” replied Aaliyah with an eye roll. “ Alright” he sighs “ let’s get this show on the road “ Shawn says while smoothly climbing into the Jeep, you laughed thinking of how many times Shawn has said that before a concert.

As the Toronto scenery flew by Shawn asked you and Aaliyah about life. Your answers were usually short and vague due to the fact that your heart and brain would not stop buzzing whenever Shawn’s voice rang out in a question or merely just when he laughed at an answer from one of you. After a while of driving and talking and humming to the radio, the restaurant came into view. The venue looked nice. Equipped with fancy tables, crystal glasses, and nice velvet drapes on the windows. It looked like the kind of place parents would go to get away for a night. The three of you climbed out the jeep and walked to the hostess podium. Aaliyah gave a short blonde woman their reservation. You three were led to your table where you sat across from Aaliyah and Shawn to the left of you, sitting across from a empty chair waiting to be taken by Tristan. After about 5 minutes, a six foot blonde haired and blue eyed boy approached the table. Aaliyah promptly got up and hugged the boy and kissed him on the cheek. Shawn smirked at you and you chuckled before getting from your seat and introducing yourself. “ Hi, I’m Y/N. I’m Aaliyah’s best friend.” you said whilst shaking Tristan’s hand. You felt Shawn standing closely behind you. “ and I am Shawn, Aaliyah’s older brother” Shawn said trying to be as intimidating as possible “listen up dude, if you lay a hand on my sister I will hunt you down faster than you can say sorry.” you shook your head and laugh at his threat but Aaliyah rolled her eyes. Tristan became stiff and shook Shawn’s hand without answering. Shawn looked at you and smirked again “He’s joking” you said “kinda”. You all sat down and began to look over your menus. “So Tristan, where do you go to school” you asked, trying to stir a conversation from the awkward silence. “Well I’m actually not going to college, I don’t really think it’s the place for me” he replied lazily. “oh, do you have a job?” you continued “nah, I don’t really see myself as a job holder right now” Tristan continued “and you’re how old?” you asked “ I’m twenty, but it’s all good I’m not homeless or anything. I’m living in my parents house.” He finished. “ Yeah good for you man, do you have any plans for the future?” intervened Shawn “ I’m starting up a skateboard company. I like skateboarding, yeah that’s actually how Aaliyah and I met. She was on her way home from Uni and I was heading back from the skate park, I almost ran her over if it hadn’t been for her jumping out of the way. So I offered to buy her a coffee and we just kinda talked I guess.” He finished by squeezing Aaliyah’s hand and looking over at her. 

You almost felt bad for the guy, but your happy for Aaliyah. He’s not exactly your type of guy, honestly not many guys are your type. Tristan was a blonde scrappy skater who was only slightly daft but means well. Your type was tall, brunette, kind, funny, weird, athletic, talented and just a generally great person. Then a loud chuckle rang out in your ears and your heart stopped in time, your stomach jumped into your throat and the hairs on the back of your neck stood on end. Shawn. You looked over at him and realized he was the one. You sat there in deep and terrified thought until Aaliyah’s voice jumped out at you. “Y/N! Earth to Y/N” she snapped at you. You jumped and looked around startled until your eyes met his. Those big brown and green balls of fire that you were sure just set you a flame. You quickly looked away “sorry I spaced out for a second there, what were we talking about again?” you asked. “ well Shawn was just telling us about some funny things that happened on tour” Aaliyah explained “Oh, yeah cool” you said trying your best to hide the ecstatic fear coursing through you. Fortunately enough, a waitress approached your table and asked for your orders. You had been so deep in thought that you had forgotten to look over the menu, so you ordered your default choice of pasta. 

Every so often throughout dinner, Shawn would give you small yet lethal touches. On your arm, your back, bumping his hand against yours. That prick made you wanna scream for no apparent reason. Every time Shawn would speak you got lost, in the moment, trying to keep both eyes open and your head from spinning out of control. ( hehehe lost) The feels hit you like a bus going 300 miles per second. And somehow you’re stuck wishing this was a double date. 

I have a part two if you want it :-)))) leave feedback please

[ketterdamns]

a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired. 

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!! 

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!)  just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years. 

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time. 

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength. 

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother. 

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again.  He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it. 

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore  I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to? 

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it. 

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up. 

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts. 

 occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards.  but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs. 

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again. 

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden. 

This year my rapist  was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour. 

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store. 

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me.  I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time. 

[hadesrebelofadaughter]

1-10 of the suer detailed questions

Super detailed questions about your OCs

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Jessica Emily Faltour. Her mother originally wanted to call her Emily but decided when she saw her, she seemed to look more of a Jessica to her so she made Emily Jess’s second name instead. Jessica means:Rich and God beholds.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

By technicality she does have the title ‘A Princess of The Underworld’ due to her father often being called the “King of the Underworld’ and that one she was just born with.

 3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

No. She didn’t have a good childhood. Most of the fond memories she has from her childhood are talking with Joel and Cleo or pulling pranks and hanging out with Kau and Amelia or eventually meeting Deion. A bad memory would be mostly everything else.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Her relationship with her father and step-mother is good, she sees them as parental figures people she can run to if she needs to. She’s gone to them quite a few times for protection and they’ve protected her. She feels as home with them and kinda wishes she’d been pulled into the family sooner.Her mother on the other hand. . .well, that relationship is strained. They are trying to make up for lost time but Juliet still gets scared around Jess’s powers so Jess can only talk about mundane things with her and nothing Jess does is mundane apart from studying. They aren’t really going anywhere in a hurry.

Good memory: Jess after fear manipulation training with her dad, took Meg into the kitchen and settled her in before going to her step-mum’s garden and ended up being pulled in to sit and chat with Persephone and Hades for a few hours. A lot of laughter and hi-jinks had happened and it’s a fond memory for her.

Bad memory: The day after her powers spooked her mother.5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

She does! She had quite a few siblings actually. There’s the bunch she met after turning 20 (Nico, Kane, Darcy, Jisu, Nick, Opal, Haven, Volant, Harrow), her relationships with those bunch are pretty good and then there’s her human half-brother Scott. Scott and her originally got along then the whole thing with their mother happened and he turned into a bit of a dick.

They’d apologised and are both back to what they were like before, with her being an annoying little sister and him being the pain in the butt big brother who pull stupid shit together but who runs when the other calls. 6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

She didn’t mind Primary school, High school she hated with a passion. She did finish both and is now currently doing uni level studies. She enjoyed music, sports and drama. She hated anything to do with Maths and anything to do with English she found hard and hated some of the teachers for not understanding the issues she had because of her dyslexia. 7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? 

She had friends but the only close friends she ended up keeping were Amelia, Kau and Deion. The others were more situational friends. They shared the same classes, they lived in the same area that sort of thing. The only friends she made in childhood otherwise that she’s kept are the people who helped her out back then. Whether they took her in and helped her fight (Joel) or were homeless back then and protected her (Catherine) She’s kept up with all of them and tries to help if their in a bad place.

She has friends in quite a few places because of this.8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? 

She didn’t have a pet no, she did help rescue animals and would help Cleo and Joel take care of them before trying to find their owner or handing them off to an adoption/animal rescue group though. Yep, she has 3. All of them are dogs, she adores animals. Loves the living hell outta em.9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

Animals mostly like her, they would like her a lot less if she didn’t constantly smell of dogs since she’d smell more like death and animals really don’t like that. She does, she’s learnt a few things from growing up helping animals out so she gets on well with them.10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect? 

She does like children, Children generally like her thankfully. She does in the future, when she’s confident in her ability to keep them safe and found a partner she knows loves her. 

She would spoil her kid rotten with affection and would turn them into a complete prankster. She’d be the encouraging mum who encourages her kid to try new things and if the new thing doesn’t work out then there’s always something else to do or she encourages them to try again if it’s clear they want to. She wouldn’t be pushy either, if the kid shows an interest in music then she’ll be happy about it. If they don’t then she’ll be happy with that as well.

She’d be strict with bedtimes and help out with homework but she’d be careful to look for signs if her kid starts struggling, she’d be a pretty understanding mum. She’d make code words for when they feel unsafe so she can come and get them, she’d let them stay home if they just weren’t mentally up to it that day. She’d be like that.

Now as a godparent, whoo boy that kid is getting as much sugar as that kid wants then she is turning them loose on their parents and laughing  at the phone call she gets later on.

As a babysitter well, she’d be a pretty good babysitter. She’s also a sucker for a puppy dog face and i think the kids she’s taking care of would use that against her. She’d still be a good babysitter though.