#after a movie that was harrowing to watch for us -12 years a slave- bc she wouldn't stop crying and my friend and i were just like ... what
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went to a friend's birthday today and it made me soooo aware of the fact that yeah i got some big friendship damages i don't think i can fix (nor do i believe it is up to ME to fix it tbf)
no bc there was a girl who used to be my friend too there but we did not keep in touch (and not for like. not good reasons, there were many things that i just couldn't handle at the time with her behavior, i don't think we were meant to stay friends)
but i saw how my friend (who had her bd) and that old friend acted and i know we don't act that way (and i don't act that way with a lot or any friends at all) and i was like damn i miss it, i miss being close to my friends
but then came the bitter reminder that yeah. part of the reason why I'm like this (keeping people at a distance) is 1) ok sure burning myself out in engineer school and never getting any support from the ppl i was supporting myself 2) my mom (who is kind of a whole thing by herself) AND 3) big reason actually that time when a friend molested me (like sure short time nothing that bad except i was kept in place and asked to stop and i was tearing up; maybe laughing but to appease at the same time but i felt dirtied all the same) in front of 2 others and they did nothing but watch did not stop the friend let me go through that
and i'm still friends with 2 of those ppl (the person who molested me and 1 of the witnesses) and the witness was the bd girl and i was just like I'm in a prison of my own making i need other friends but i can't make them bc i keep everyone at a distance and while getting to know people is fun keeping in touch tires me and so on.
genuinely a prison of my own making istg
#it's like yeah getting obvious i need THERAPY so bad it's actually sickening#i just want to have a friend group (close to me physically and emotionally) that i can trust and be vulnerable with but instead#i just have this#and it's like okayish. it was a one time thing#at least it's not the constant bullying from like 3 years ago with the evil coworkers/work friends i just cut off bc i could NOT#go on like this with them#racontage de vie#i was struck with such sadness and bitterness at that moment#didn't want that with them necessarily but i kinda used to have that with them. or others#but in parallel had to watch what i said etc. not a full free friendship#(the curse of being friend with french white women ig??? another friend and i infamously had to comfort the old friend#after a movie that was harrowing to watch for us -12 years a slave- bc she wouldn't stop crying and my friend and i were just like ... what#sure it happened so long ago but it stuck. with other actually eh things)#ig what i envied was that comfort they had with each other that i actually never had with either of them nor will i ever have now#with everything that has happened#it's.... eh.......... very sad
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