#(the curse of being friend with french white women ig??? another friend and i infamously had to comfort the old friend

[vanillajunmyeon]

went to a friend's birthday today and it made me soooo aware of the fact that yeah i got some big friendship damages i don't think i can fix (nor do i believe it is up to ME to fix it tbf)

no bc there was a girl who used to be my friend too there but we did not keep in touch (and not for like. not good reasons, there were many things that i just couldn't handle at the time with her behavior, i don't think we were meant to stay friends)

but i saw how my friend (who had her bd) and that old friend acted and i know we don't act that way (and i don't act that way with a lot or any friends at all) and i was like damn i miss it, i miss being close to my friends

but then came the bitter reminder that yeah. part of the reason why I'm like this (keeping people at a distance) is 1) ok sure burning myself out in engineer school and never getting any support from the ppl i was supporting myself 2) my mom (who is kind of a whole thing by herself) AND 3) big reason actually that time when a friend molested me (like sure short time nothing that bad except i was kept in place and asked to stop and i was tearing up; maybe laughing but to appease at the same time but i felt dirtied all the same) in front of 2 others and they did nothing but watch did not stop the friend let me go through that

and i'm still friends with 2 of those ppl (the person who molested me and 1 of the witnesses) and the witness was the bd girl and i was just like I'm in a prison of my own making i need other friends but i can't make them bc i keep everyone at a distance and while getting to know people is fun keeping in touch tires me and so on.

genuinely a prison of my own making istg