#adulteatinddisorder

[swimmingmyselftoshore]

I am not sure where to start without writing that. 

Here I am, on the couch and the windows are open. Winter passed so quickly for me. I sit before this space as I freely write; something that I have not done in some time. I am looking out the window, letting the fingers move for it moves quickly and when I do not stop it, it is a flow. Rhythm. My fingers remember where to go faster than I can get the words out and yet, pause, remember to breath. 

Where are you?

I am here. 

Where are you going?

I am going to the Anna Westin House residential adult eating disorder treatment through the Emily Program. 

Looking down just now as I mistype.

Anything to distract from what I just wrote.

I dropped a mic, in the air, as my friend E. does this at work and I have always admired her timing and confidence in doing so.

I have a bomb to drop. I said after. To make sure the point was clear. This is a different practice; for E. the other E. who I’ve known for 14 years plus, I dropped the bomb and didn’t prepare her and it was not the right setting. I did not even realize the words out of my mouth and how calm and clear they were - blunt - and only later processed that oh dear, this was a bomb for her. She did not live with this. I have not shared to the extent it has affected my life. I mean, as she said, “I thought you just hated the grocery store.”

Enough for now.

Many truths.

Decompress.

Breath and relax into living in truth and integrity.

THE ED mindset does not allow for that unknown - what exposing a truth can do. 

The hope returns and I have never been so ready and prepared for this new life.

I have been dreaming of it. I did not think it was possible, so often, and yet it remained within me, deep.

I choose You, Life. You are desperately reaching out to me through my body and I heard. 

- S.

p.s. If you happen upon this, you are brave. Deep down, you are brave and you are not alone.