#adrien is at his worst self-centered and his people pleasing turns into him being a sleazy guy who tells people whatever they want to hear

[wisteriasymphony]

I've written too many insufferable manipulator murderer whiny bastard adrien aus. i need to balance this out by adding more range to the ways i make marinette horrible. solution: cult au where marinette thinks she is jesus

[mochegato]

Giving Up On You

For the Jasonette July Pit Madness prompt.  This is the first idea for a fic I ever had and the first I started writing.  Not the first finished by any means, but definitely the first started.

 Looking at pictures on the wall of her cozy apartment felt like a warm embrace. In the center was the picture Adrien had taken after her first fashion show.  Jason had picked her up and twirled her around as he hugged her in triumph.  Her eyes were shinning as she smiled staring into his eyes.  They hadn’t even started dating yet.  She was so happy and he was so proud of her.  It was right before their first kiss.  Next to it was the picture Tim snuck of them at the manor one day as they relaxed in the library.  Marinette was focused on her sketching while he read, his head in her lap.  His free hand rested on her knee, subconsciously seeking as much contact with her as possible.  On the other side was the picture Dick took of them at a picnic in the park.  Marinette and Duke had managed to convince Tim, Cass, Dick, who convinced Damian, and, of course, him to go for a picnic.  They were all so happy that day, almost like a real family. Marinette was seated between his legs with his arms wrapped around her waist and his chin on her shoulder.  Her head was thrown back in laughter as he beamed in pride at having made her laugh so hard.  The pictures were a testament to how strong and happy their relationship was.

It wasn’t right.  It didn’t match.  The happy couple in the pictures on the wall didn’t match the despondent voice in front of him now.

“Jason, I… I love you.  You… I… you make me feel…” Marinette started quietly, her voice broken.  She looked down for a second before looking back up to his eyes that she knew she wouldn’t meet.  “…like we make each other better and can trust each other, like we have each other’s backs.  You make me feel like I can do so much more than I thought I could because you won’t let me fall. You make me feel… No, that’s it,” she gave a small, sullen smile staring at her hands, “You make me feel.  And I thought I did the same for you.”

He turned and looked at her, looking down before they could actually make eye contact.  He’d been avoiding eye contact for weeks now, rarely meeting her gorgeous blue eyes anymore. If he looked her in the eyes, she would notice how his were changing, how they’d lost their blue hue, slowly turning green.  And he was desperate to save her from that, to preserve her image of him.  Out of the corner of his eye he could see her trembling and straining against it.  Trying to hold herself up, not let him see how hard this was on her.  He did this.

Steeling herself she continued, “But, I… something changed and I don’t know what. You won’t tell me.  It feels like you shut me out.  And I don’t know what happened.” She tried to hold in a small sobbing breath, “Did something happen?  You can tell me, Jay.  I want to help.  I want to be the one there for you, if you want me to, if you’ll let me. Like you have always been for me.”  

She searched for the right words to say.  She didn’t want to make him feel guilty.  She didn’t want a relationship built on guilt.  But she didn’t want to hide anything either.  She didn’t want to walk away and leave things unsaid.  She had done the not telling the other person how you feel thing and she was determined never to make that mistake again.  This was too important.  Jason was too important.  She had to try to save their relationship, if there was anything left to save. She looked away, examining the pictures Jason had looked at earlier for a clue to the right words but they gave her no more information than she had before.  

One last bit of heart wrenching honesty then.  “You’re not… It feels like you gave up on me… on us.” She whispered, finally looking at him again.  She was close enough to brush her thumb across his cheek but felt so, so far away, “It hurts…and I’m starting to give up on us, too.”

Her eyes were pleading, looking for any response from him.  Anything.  A word or a movement. Anything to show she was getting through to him.  She looked at him for any sign of what he was thinking. No, that’s not it.  She was looking for a sign that she was wrong, that he wasn’t giving up on them, that he hadn’t walked away already in all but body.

But he gave no reaction except for furrowing his brows a bit more.  He refused to make eye contact with her, just like each of the few times they’d been together for the past few weeks. She couldn’t remember when the last time she had looked in his eyes was.  God, she missed looking into his eyes.  Now he wasn’t even talking to her.  She wasn’t getting through.  Shouldn’t she be able to? Isn’t that what you do when you’re in love? Figure out how to connect to the person you love.  They had been in love, hadn’t they?  

“Jay, say something,” she begged, a few stray tears breaking through and falling down her cheeks. “…please,” she tried one last time, desperate to get to him the way he had always been able to get to her.  He brought her back from the edge when anxiety made her start spiraling. When she doubted herself, he gave her confidence.  He gave her the world but what did she give him? He was so angry and on edge when she was around him. He was so unhappy and nothing she did made it better. Everything she tried only seemed to make him more upset.  He knew exactly what to do to make everything better for her and she couldn’t help him at all.  She only made things worse.  She looked down at her hands, gaining some resolve to do what she needed to, for him. She couldn’t make things better for him, but she could take this one burden from him, give him one less thing to worry about.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye, broken and shaking, trying not to collapse.  ‘It hurts’ that’s what she said, looking so incredibly small.  That sentence and the way she looked saying it played on repeat in his head as his brows furrowed, anger starting to rise.  He did that to her.  He made her feel that way, doubt herself.  She was strong and brave and kind.  She was bright like the sun.  She could blind you if you stared too long, but she helped everything around her grow, get better, made him grow and get better.  She made him feel like the hero he knew he wasn’t.  She made him feel like he deserved her, but he didn’t.  He knew he didn’t.  All he did was hurt the people he loved.  Sooner or later it was always going to end like this.  Maybe it was better it happened now before he lost control completely and truly hurt her.  He’d been trying to protect her from this.  To keep her at a distance so she wouldn’t get hurt in the fallout.  But it hadn’t worked.  She was still crying.  She still got hurt.  He had still hurt her.  But, she could now walk away.  She could now be happy, safe, away from him.

“So this is it then,” she said almost inaudibly, looking toward him, her eyes glistening with more unshed tears she was barely keeping in, “I know something is going on, Jay.  I wish I could help you.  I wish… I’m sorry I couldn’t reach you.  I’m sorry I couldn’t love you the way you needed.  I hope you find someone who can.  You deserve that.  You’re a good man, Jay.  You deserve so many good things.  I hope you get them.” She reached out to touch his face as he turned his face slightly toward her.  She stopped her hand midway to him and withdrew it, no longer feeling like she had the right to touch him.

He noted the recoiled hand, like a flinch.  She had flinched at him.  He made her flinch.  He made her feel the need to flinch away from him.  He made her afraid.  He nodded as he stood up and turned to the door, coming to a resolution of his own. He needed to leave before the anger and self-loathing turned to rage, before he did something he couldn’t ever forgive himself for. He couldn’t look at her as he walked away.  He couldn’t bear to see what he did to her, but he heard her hit the floor and start sobbing as soon as the door closed behind him. He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands curling into white knuckled fists.

Guilt fed the anger he started feeling since he saw what he had done to her.  Anger turned to rage and the rage started to overcome him, his eyes turning a toxic green. He stalked away, barreling into people, elbowing them out of the way as he searched for an outlet for the rage that had started to control him.  He missed the narrowed, masked eyes watching him from above.

  Jason woke up and looked around with hazy eyes. He was in his old room at Wayne Manor.  “Fuck” he said sitting up and holding his aching head.  He stumbled around the manor looking for someone to tell him how badly he screwed things up this time while he was out of it.

He found Dick eating cereal in the kitchen, feet propped up on the table. Alfred must not be around then, he thought continuing toward the coffee maker.  Dick looked up surprised and dropped his feet off the table. “Hey, how’re you feeling?”

Jason moved past him, ignoring the question.  He couldn’t give Dick an answer he didn’t have. “So how much damage did I do this time,” he asked instead, pouring himself a large cup of coffee.

“Beyond breaking up with Mari, you mean?  Nope, that’s the worst you did,” Dick said shaking his head and giving him a sympathetic look.

Jason stared into his cup.  That was not a conversation he was ready to have.  “How did I get back here?”

“Tim found you barreling your way away from Mari’s place in full pit mode, eyes glowing green so brightly he could see it from the rooftop.  He brought you back so you could ride it out here.”

“Ah,” he said quietly.

“Do you want to talk about it,” Dick asked gently, walking over to Jason.

“Nope,” he said popping the p, refusing to look up from his cup.

“Okay, but if you change your mind, I’m here for you, Little Wing.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said convincing nobody but effectively ending the conversation.

Dick looked at him for a few moments. “Yeah, okay. I’m still here if you need me,” he said walking away. “…when you stop being a masochistic dumbass,” he said quietly but loudly enough for Jason to hear him.

 After a few more days cooped up in the Manor, Jason had recovered enough to go back on patrol.  Even if he wasn’t fully recovered physically, mentally he needed to be back on patrol. He needed to be back out where he could get in a few fights, take a few hits, feel pain because of something other than his own screw ups.  Fortunately, it was a pretty quiet night to ease him back into the routine. Unfortunately, that meant he had nothing to get his aggression out on until a particularly nasty gang fight requiring backup popped up.  With Red Robin’s help, they had taken down the members and turned them over to the police. Even under the mask, he could feel Red Robin’s glare the entire time.  After they returned to the Batcave, Jason turned to Tim to thank him for the assist when he felt a strong, sharp pain in his jaw almost knocking him down.

“Feel better?” He asked grabbing his jaw and tenderly moving it from side to side to assess the damage from the punch Tim had just thrown.

“Oh look, he can talk.  Who knew?” Tim snarled at him angrily.

“Get over it.  It’s done. Move on,” Jason said looking away. “I have.”

“Well yippee for you.  You’re the only one that has.”  He waited for Jason to say anything else but he appeared to have no interest in defending himself.  But Tim wasn’t done.  Jason didn’t get to get off that easily.  Mari would never let him know the damage he had done, but Tim had absolutely no qualms about it.  “You made her feel like she was nothing to you.  You left her without even saying a word, like she wasn’t worth the effort. You made walking away look easy for you, like she was easy to walk away from.” Tim yelled.

“None of this was easy,” Jason grunted pushing past him to walk toward the stairs. “She’s better off.  She’s safer.”

Tim scoffed as he looked away, “whatever helps you sleep better at night, asshole.”

Jason sighed and ran his hand through his hair moving to sit on a stair, shoulders slumping slightly, “She was afraid of me.” He said looking down.  “I never wanted to give her a reason to be afraid of me. I wanted her to feel safe with me, but I failed.  I scared her.”

“What?” Tim growled incredulously.  That did not match the description Marinette had given him. Granted she didn’t give him many details from that night, but being afraid of Jason would have been something she mentioned. “She wasn’t afraid of you.”

“You didn’t see the way she flinched from me right before I left,” Jason said lifting his eyes a bit.

“Mari has never been afraid of you,” Tim assured him gruffly, coming closer.

“She should have been,” Jason huffed out.

“Maybe,” Tim nodded, not denying the claim.  He’d seen some of the damage Jason had done in the grip of the Madness and the thought made him shudder.  “But she wasn’t.”

Jason focused on his hands and furrowed his brows in frustration.  “I can’t hurt her, Tim.  I couldn’t live with myself if I did and we both know I can’t always control myself.  I would eventually.  I can’t drag her into that.  She deserves better.  She is so amazing, so… she is such a good person, like truly a good person with a good, bright heart.  Not like us.” He finally lifted his eyes up to stare at the cave ceiling. “Her smile makes me feel like the world isn’t so bad, you know, like there is hope out there? The only thing I can give her is pain. I can only drag her down to my level in the shadows.”

Tim paused before continuing.  Pep talks were not his area and considering he had just punched him and was still ready to do it again, was he really the best person for this?  Where was Dick when you needed him?  Still out on patrol.  The bastard.  He sighed sitting down next to Jason.  “Yeah, her smiles are amazing, but that brilliant smile you mentioned?  You gave her that smile. That concentrated sunshine smile, the one that makes the world brighter for you, that didn’t show up until a few weeks after I introduced you two and you ‘just happened to’ end up wherever we were working, constantly.  Dude, you weren’t subtle.” Tim shook his head remembering the jokes in the family about having to implement countermeasures in order to hang out with Mari without Jason crashing it.  The plots rarely worked.  Jason always knew how to find Marinette, always.  

“And she gave it to you, too.  A bright… carefree smile.  I’ve never seen you with a carefree smile.  You were happier than I’ve seen you in… ever. And I’ve been watching you since you were Robin.  Hmm, that sounded creepy.  Ignore that last part,” Tim said quirking his lips to the side.  “You two were #relationshipGoals,” he snickered as Jason glared at him.  That made the comment worth it.  “Until you got into your own head and decided you didn’t deserve her and decided to sabotage everything.  Now both of you are in pain.  Such a much better result.”  He playfully pushed Jason’s head down.

He took a deep breath before continuing. “Look, I don’t know if you deserve her.  I probably don’t deserve to be her friend either considering the very real risk of her getting dragged into helping.  But, she isn’t naïve.  She knows what the risks are just as much as we do and she thinks you are worth the risk. The question is do you think she is worth the risk, too.”  Tim paused considering his next words.  When did this become his job?  He was in no way qualified to give love life advice or pep talks, especially to his family.

“Ultimately, what she deserves is happiness and you gave her that,” He smiled lightly at Jason.  “You deserve it too; to be happy.  You know that, right?”  He watched Jason process what he said for a few seconds before Jason shook his head, refusing to think about that right now.

“You need coffee, Replacement. You’re starting to sound like Dick.”

“Oh fuck… we need to end that real quick before I start acting nice to Damian,” he said giving an exaggerated shudder.

Jason gave a small chuckle, “or start sleeping with every willing woman you come across.  I am not interested in that drama again.”

“Yeah, Kon might object to that,” Tim smiled lightly.

Jason snickered quietly with small smile on his lips. “See, that there, that’s the old smile, the Before Marinette smile.  I like the other one on you better.” Tim said patting him on the back and standing up, leaving Jason to think.

  Jason spent the next few hours thinking about what Tim said, weighing the risks.  After a few hours of tossing and turning in bed, not getting any rest, he decided to give up on sleep.  It would not be coming to him any time soon anyway.  He decided he needed a walk to clear his head.  He walked out of the manor doors shortly after sunrise with no destination in mind.  

He wandered around the city for hours.  Was he willing to risk never seeing Marinette again?  Would it really keep her safe if he did?  If he was with her, he had a better chance of protecting her. But he didn’t need to be with her to protect her, right?  But would he be able to see her and not be with her. What would he do if, no when, when she started dating?  He didn’t want her waiting around for him if he wasn’t able to be with her.  He wanted her to be happy.  That was the entire point of this, wasn’t it?  For her to be happy and safe.  And if he was hanging around as Red Hood, there was a higher chance of someone noticing and connecting the two.  So, it was better for everyone if he stayed away completely.

But, would he be able to stay away?  He hadn’t been able to stay away from her for more than a day or two since they had first met.  No matter what he had done, he had always found his way back to her.  Without even trying, he always found her.  It was like his heart sought her out.  She owned his heart.  Totally, completely, all of it.  It belonged to her.  He belonged to her.  He wasn’t exactly sure when that happened.  No, he did remember.  It was the first time he made her laugh, really, truly laugh.  The sound of her laugh made his heart skip a beat and race at the same time.  He loved her so deeply, so completely it scared him.  The thought of losing her though, or hurting her….

He made his decision.  He knew who he was, what he had to do and what he needed to say.  He stopped to look around and figure out where exactly he had ended up.  He found himself outside Marinette’s apartment building.  Of course he did, he realized.  He would always find his way back to her.  It was where he belonged.

He made his way up to her apartment door but hesitated to knock.  He had messed up so badly.  He had hurt her so badly.  Would she forgive him?  Did he deserve her forgiveness?  Did he really have the right to even ask?  He stared at the door, brow furrowed hands clenched.

Before he could work up his courage, he heard a gasp behind him.  He had been so focused on his internal spiral he missed the sounds of Marinette returning home.  The decision had been made for him.  Life was not going to let him chicken out.

He turned face her and met her eyes.  He opened his mouth to tell her all the things he had been thinking and the decisions he had come to, but seeing her dazzling eyes for the first time in weeks only to see them filled with confusion, apprehension, and pain made his knees weak.  God, he had missed her eyes.  He didn’t realize how much until then.  It shook his courage. He had done that to her eyes.  He put those emotions there.  He could no longer find his voice.  He didn’t know the words to use to make her understand how thoroughly he knew he had screwed up.  How he promised to never hurt her like this again.  How he vowed to make sure she knew how deeply he loved her.  How he had pledged his heart to her.  He snapped his mouth shut.

There was too much.  The knot in his throat was too large.  Tears started to form.  The more he tried to talk, the harder it was to talk, the more the tears fell.  She reached her hand out to wipe away the tears but hesitated midway to his face unsure whether it would be welcome.  She started to lower it instead but Jason reached out to gently grasp her hand and pulled it toward himself to bring her closer to him, forceful enough to let her know it was intentional but not so much that she couldn’t easily break away if she wanted to.  He squeezed his eyes shut again and dropped his head in frustration. Too much he wanted to say.  Too much he wanted her to understand.  Too many words and none of them right.  She stepped closer to him and cupped her hands on the sides of his jaw looking up at his closed eyes.  

“Jason?” She questioned timidly.  

He lowered his head more to gently touch his forehead to hers. And opened his eyes to look into her eyes again, the eyes that had always given him hope, the eyes that still shone with love, the eyes that made him want to believe in himself and in them.  “Don’t give up on me,” he said in a broken, desperate voice grasping the cloth at her waist in his fists, “please.”

“I won’t,” she whispered moving so there was no longer any space between them and wrapping her arms around his neck.  She let out a raspy, relieved breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding since he left.  “Never on you,” she murmured as she laid a gentle kiss on his lips that he desperately returned.

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@fsketchart @jasonette-july-2k20