#adn i remember thinking oh no i dont have money should i be walking in but i followed him anyway

[punkcherries]

i had a very strange dream

[doki-mocha]

*lies down* i can’t apply. i wasted too much time in the engineering major i dont have enough time to catch up for the illustration major. i have to do engineering *sobs* like i spent the last hour setting up application and readying myself for transcripts and portfolio shit. so excited so excited. but i checked the transfer classes and boy do i got some classes i need to take. and my parents dont even want to me to go to s=this school so of course they wont let me apply to more art classes. 

i guess i should jusut make them happy an d go into engineering sinc eim already halfway there. (also im not cry typing im wear ing a splint because using the comp hurts righty jdhhdakdhsk) ive already wasted all my time doing enginerring lets just waste the rest. no w i just gotta figure out what kind of engineering or computer techy bullshit is bearable...bareable...bearbowl...i can do for the rest of my life. 

its just...let me rant for a bit

so junior year i decided hell yeah im gonna go into animation and go to art school and be an artist. im in senior year, my parents tell me engineering is  the place for you. you’re good at math! and im like sure! i cann do engineering and di art as a minor. i can bare it

cut to now after four years of thinking about it. 

nope cant bare it

MY BRAIN is not meant for this. i dont have the stamina or the will to keep going. i can do the math but i dont care enough abuout the subject to do my best. i have the memory of a fish. i remember shit from physics chemistry and math. you can jog my memory on equations but i f you ask me about idk something history or subjective i’ll blank.

i am a right brainer. i like writing, drawing, making scripts, and scenes. i like creating and i can go on forever (if my body lets me christ)

back to my stamina

hi

i cry all the time and my hair is falling out because of how much i hate what im doing. im strressed and want to die?? but im meant for it right? engineering is where im meantt o be? my parents say it, their friends say it, my family back home says it, the teachers say it. so its meant to be right? 4 years.

4 years. caught up between pleasing everyone and trying to do what i want on the side. but guess what has taken the backseat. oh yeah. my schoolwork.

idk whats up with my brain and why im so fixated on drawing. i put my health at risk to draw. im addicted? just going on with this addiction is bad, but makiing myself suffer through e n gin eering is bad too? so what do i do?

also idk what even engineering or it or tech shit im supposed to even go into. im not interested in this shit and its getting harder to pretend. my dad is disappointed in me and embarrassed of me. he has nothing to be proud of hes got nothing to brag at his friends about.

like sometiems i feel the only way to express how i really feel about this is kill myself

but i havent yet because i still want to draw

DRAWING IS WHAT STOPS ME FROM KILLING MYSELF

addicted? i know right. but its so hard to get waht i want. addicted little gremlin trying to be ambidextrous so i can draw more

the fuck is wrong with me? something in my head? gosh i want to kill myswelf there is no proper answr. now good ending. no solution.

the only soltuion i can think of is just go to therapy so this lady can stop me from killing myself every week for the rest of my life because i hate my life and my job. thats how the future looks

fuckin bleak

just

b l e a k

im a pessimist with low self esteem and has been wanting to die since i was 11? i had no reason to be like atht at 11 but now i have a reason but im too much of a pansy to do it. bleak bleak bleak

i shouldnt feel like this becaus e i am better off. my family can afford my college and i dont have to work. but i have to repay them by going to college and working in something they want from me.

am i sheltered or imprisoned

my brothers were able to run away by joining the us forces. theyre urging me to do the same/ hhaa nooo????

gosh i rant about the same things every week but i gotta because ITS STILL THERE NOT GETTING FIXED

I WAS TRYING TO FIX IT BY APPLYING TO ART COLLEGE BUT I CANT BECAUSE OF THE YEARS I WASTED DOING WHAT MY PARENTS WANT I CANT DO WHAT I WANT ANYMORE BECAUSE IM OUT OF TIME

WOULD DAD BE PROUD IF I FOLLOWED MY DREAMS AND BECAME FAMOUS AND HAPPY OR SOMETHING

OR WOULD HE BE HAPPY THAT IM MISERABLE AND MAKING MONEY ADN THEN KILLING MYSELG???

or would he be happy i followed my dreams, failed, have no job, and killed myself.

there are either 20 bad ends or 1 god tier out of reach in your dreams good end.

WHO KNOWS

AT LEAST ID BE HAPPY WALKING DOWN A FIELD OF FLOWERS AND THEM OFF A CLIFF THAN WALKING THROUGH COALS AND FLAMES OFF A CLIFF.

id die with some moments and memories of being happy.

right now? the only good memory i have is goin g to youmacon just recently

why?

because i have short term mmeory and i hate being alive

i wish i can remember good things dammit

why is my brain like this

why was  raised like this

why am i just like this

everybody and myself is to blame for this. all the good and the bad i cant remember. all of that made me the mess i am.

i cant change the past and i cant change the future because of all this shit holding me back. everything is holding me back

in cluding myself

i just wan tot enjoy myself again

maybe it will happen int he future

but right now

everything is justbleak

[get-the-treasure]

school log #3

9-8-17

it was a busy day nd this is a day late

Hour 1 (AP Bio): we got our books at the end of class and thank god my locker is right by brians lol. for the beginning of class we did an experiment where 2 people were scientists and the rest of us were aliens. brain m nd sophie were the scientists so they left the room nd brian briefed us on our role. basically we would only reply to sophie because she wasnt wearing glasses (and everyone who normally wears glasses took them off) but we would only reply with yes. if she asked us individual questions wed copy her facial expressions. sophie figured out the face that we only replied to her pretty quickly and she even mentioned the fact that ppl like taylor nd sammy didnt have glasses on but she didnt connect the dots as to why we only replied to her. 

Hour 2 (ROPE): spent the entire time listening to music in my play more playlist and found 2 songs i played a few times. they were rlly good afjknsfa, song 1, song 2. i wrote maybe another paragraph as well!

Hour 3 (Homegroup/3B): cant rlly remember??? i think we discussed ppl buying donuts every friday or smthn nd playing games on friday 3bs w the hg but im seriously dead poor i cant get the hg donuts tf??? so i opted out lol. i wasnt going to tell them how poor we are that we can barely afford food so they probably think im not that poor but its rlly bad.

Hour 4 (English 12): we read another story from that thicc book and it was leagues better than the first one. this one made the other one look like a middle school book report lol. then we talked about it and i dont understand lizzies opinions like ever jabfksnaf. for a part that a normal person would take as like ‘oh thats a lil humor nd its endearing’ lizzie takes and changes it to be ‘THIS IS CONDESCENDING ND HONESTLY? I DONT LIKE IT’ like calm down he pointed out dude asked if u had to eat the whole cheesecake or if u could have a slice how is that condescending i just ughhh it didnt make sense its not that deep girl

Hour 5 (Free): all i can remember is that i went down to the office to check if i could get a summary so i could have smthn w proof of my birthday nd picture on it. they didnt know what i wanted so i figured id go check back later.

Lunch: i p much spent the time snaccin on a protein bar i lov it

Hour 6 (Free): eren and i worked on setting up appts to donate blood cause it was a whole mess and i checked back w the offic and they knew what i wanted so i got a copy

Hour 7 (Government): we watched a video about how you should form your own opinions then took notes. we have a quiz next week i think. 

Hour 8 (Advanced Drawing/Painting): sammy, ariel, mariya and i talked a lot abt jesus nd his good pal god nd stuff it was a lot of fun actually nd i finished a sketch.

after school: i went home to boil eggs because i thought i was going to donate blood so i made eggs for rye, eren, nd i to get our protein levels up. eren nd rye stopped by nd we left to go to greenfield to donate blood. eren ended up feeling too guilty disobeying her mom saying she couldnt drive to greenfield despite saying she didnt mind driving that far up themself so we turned around all dejected nd honestly i was kind of frustrated. like wed planned everything out multiple times throughout the day already and then by the end of the school day multiple people ended up saying they werent coming and plans had to change on the spot. and short term planning is already frustrating as it is but then when youre literally 10 minutes from ur destination adn everything has to be replanned then its even more frustrating. so we threw our plans out the window and started home. then eren had to return the car so we went to their house nd my mom picked us up and took us to the mall. we walked around for like 4 hours and bothered yadi but then it was basically fun adn i forgot abt how frustrated i was earlier. then we went to ross dress for less and tried on dresses (i only tried one cause my boobs were too big for the medium rye picked out for me) and rye and eren both ended up liking dresses i basically forced them to wear annnnd they ended up buying them. i paid half of this one dress eren wanted cause i hadnt gotten them a bday gift yet so i figured that would be the gift. before that wed been at boston store and tried on more dresses that we all picked out for each other, then we went to bobs furniture store to furnish our fake apartment ajhsbfasfla. then we had snacks from the store and got vagina punched by a massage chair which also almost broke every bone in my body on accident. so that was fun akjsfkjas. then yadi drove us to ross’ (to buy erens dress, because they didnt have enough money at the time nd i hadnt decided to pay half until wed been at boston store to bother yadi more) then back to the front doors where my mom (and liam) picked us up. we went to scores but eren nd i had spent all out money basically nd rye didnt have ny so eren got a $1.25 taco and rye nd i had water but i knew my mom wouldnt actually be like ‘spent all ur money too bad u cant eat’ so she bought appetizers (so rye could eat) nd 20 wings so eren, her, nd i could. liam had smthn else. we took pics nd peed as a squad but erens stall had ‘fuck bitches get money <3′ on the inside it was wild. thennnn they both slept over nd we did sheet masks which was my first nd eren nd i made ice cream cake from a bag while rye passed out on the couch. after all that mess we went to bed nd i checked what id missed throughout the day, had a private chat that needed to be taken care of, nd talked w the skype squad for a while so i ended the day on a rlly good note. overall the day was fun even if there were frustrating moments. 9/10 could have been warmer