#adip fic

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Ango (Dwelling in Peace)

Fandom: DC Comics, Arrowfam

Summary: A young Connor Hawke spends the summer with Oliver Queen after an accident at the monastery.

Chapters: 1/?

Characters: Connor Hawke, Sandra Moonday Hawke, Oliver Queen, Dinah Lance, Roy Harper

Relationships: Oliver Queen/Dinah Lance

Additional Tags: Father-Son Relationship, POV Oliver Queen, Child Conor Hawke, No Capes AU

Chapter One: Bhumisparsha (touching the earth)

He watched me from a distance. I felt his eyes on me, but I hadn’t gotten close enough to see his face. It wasn’t until I got close enough to see his expression that I froze. His painfully uncertain glance pierced my heart. I wanted to cut and run right then and there, but he was terrified. Helpless. Injured. Mine. Connor was mine. I stopped to speak with the man in charge, explaining that his mother asked me to get him. She threatened me, but that’s beside the point. I kept my eyes on him as he sat completely still. He hadn’t moved an inch since I’d gotten there. The man in charge walked me to Connor, and I kneeled before him. “Hey, are you Connor?” I asked. It was a stupid question. He couldn’t be anybody else. Connor looked like her… Except for the blonde eyebrows and eyelashes. That was all me. He nodded, looking into my eyes. They weren’t like his. He had his mother’s eyes. I think he wanted a sense of familiarity… Something that made him feel like we were similar. “Do you talk, or is staring the cool thing with kids your age?” I hadn’t realized how stupid I sounded until tears started streaming down his cheeks. “Hey… Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m Ollie. Do you know who I am to you?”

Connor looked up and allowed me to see the big bandage taped to his forehead. He was covered up, wearing a sweatsuit and jacket, so I couldn’t tell if he had any other injuries. I looked away because I couldn’t handle his eyes and his tears. “You’re my dad,” Connor answered. I huffed and nodded.

“This your bag?” I questioned. Connor nodded, and I took it from him. He didn’t flinch or try to stop me. Connor gave it up as if I meant to take the bag and leave him behind. “Come on. I’m taking you too.”

Connor stood up and wavered. I grabbed him —not because I wanted to. It was instinct. I picked him up and held him because it felt right. He seemed weak. “I gotcha kiddo… I gotcha,” I whispered.

I carried him and his bag down the steps toward the parking lot, and by the time we got to the car, he’d fallen asleep. My mind shut off, and I put Connor in the car, buckled his seatbelt, and set his bag between his feet in the front seat. I was glad he fell asleep because I didn’t know what to say. Twelve years since I’d seen him last. Twelve years to become a stranger to him. I thought about what it would’ve been like if I stuck around for him. I wondered if I had space for him during the wild parts of my life. I drove to the nearest shopping center and parked in the lot. I shook my hand against his chest, and he sat up with a jolt and gasped. “Hungry?” I asked. Connor nodded. “You’re allowed to say more than three words at a time. You know? How about you tell me what you thought when your mom told you I was on my way to get you?”

“I didn’t believe her… I didn’t think you’d come,” Connor replied.

I frowned and nodded. “What are you vegan or vegetarian?” I asked.

“I’m vegetarian, but I’m trying—.”

“Vegan-ish… We’ll go with that for right now. I’m gonna go in there and get you a smoothie. Then, I’m gonna take you to the store. Then, we’ll get you some clothes and snacks to eat in the car. Okay?” I explained. Connor nodded. “Do you wanna sit in the car, or do you wanna come with me?”

“I’ll come with you,” Connor answered. I jumped out of the car, rushed toward the little juice bar, and felt his pinky loop around mine.

“Aren’t you a little—?” I stopped when I saw the painfully innocent look on his face. I stood in line and watched Connor as he observed everything but the menu. I took one of the tri-fold menus and gave it to him. “Here. Pick out what you want.”

Connor looked at me, and I nodded. “This one?” Connor asked, pointing to a peach smoothie on the menu.

“Hey, when’s the last time you ate?” I asked. I hadn’t asked him, but he looked tired.

“I ate before the accident,” Connor replied. I frowned at him.

Connor shrank as we approached the counter. “Can I get two medium peach smoothies and an oatmeal for the kid—?”

“Oh, Dad, you don’t—.”

“You didn’t eat… And don’t—. You haven’t eaten in at least twenty-four hours. You’re gonna have some oatmeal,” I commanded, “There’s soy milk in the oatmeal.”

“I don’t wanna be any trouble,” Connor half-pleaded.

“You’ll be trouble if you pass out on me in the store. If it makes you feel better, I’ll get some oatmeal too. Okay?” I asked. I was harsh and didn’t have to be. I was more frustrated with the situation than I was with him. Connor nodded. “Good. Two medium-sized oatmeals and two peach smoothies, please,” I ordered. I gave a name and paid for our food before sitting Connor at a table.

Connor looked me in the eye and then down at the table. “I’m sorry,” Connor apologized.

“What are you sorry for now?” I questioned.

“I’m not sure, but you seem angry,” Connor replied.

“I’m not angry,” I snapped before taking a breath. “I’m not mad at you. This situation is weird. Doesn’t this seem strange to you?”

“You’re my dad… There’s nothing strange about that,” Connor replied. I sighed. “You don’t want me… That’s what you mean, isn’t it?” The completely un-sarcastic sincerity of his words made my skin crawl.

“It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t want, Connor… You’re here now, and I’ve got you. Don’t I?” I replied. Connor didn’t answer.

The woman called me, and I brought our breakfast to the table. He ate slowly and in silence. He shut his eyes when he chewed. I didn’t speak to him out of respect. Besides, I didn’t want to give him a reason to get attached to me. He savored every bite. It took him an hour to finish eating. I cleared the table and threw out our trash before taking him across the lot to the superstore. “Mom said you stayed at the same monastery... That was a while ago, though. Wasn’t it?” Connor questioned. I nodded.

I held a shirt up to his chest. “How do you feel about this one?” I asked. He shook his head and reached for a plain sweatshirt. “What if it gets hot later on?”

Connor grabbed a pack of plain grey t-shirts. Simple. I nodded and looked through the jeans until I found a pair that looked his size. Roy was a lot easier. I gave him some money and let him go to town. Connor didn’t have a strong opinion on anything and wanted my help through all of it. I think that was his way of trying to bond with me. I expected Connor to be angry with me and aloof, but he was so sweet and agreeable. It made my stomach hurt to look at him. I knew what sort of man I was, but it disturbed me to face the kid I ran away from. He deserved better, but I knew he didn’t want better. For whatever reason, Connor wanted me. Sandra said he asked for me.

Roy was away for the summer, staying with a couple of friends, so I didn’t feel the need to tell him about Connor. Not yet. He didn’t need to know yet. I didn’t want Roy to know. I thought I’d return Connor to the monastery or home to his mom by then. “Are you taking anything for the pain? Should I pick up your prescription?”

“It’s already in my bag,” Connor answered.

“Okay, good… Anything else hurt? Or was it your head?” I asked.

“Only my head,” Connor lied. I could tell from how he leaned into me while he walked that something else hurt. Maybe his leg. His side. I wasn’t sure, but I knew he was injured worse than he let on. I figured he’d let me know if it was out of his control.

“Are you older than my mom?” Connor asked.

“What kinda question is that? Your mom and I are the same age,” I replied.

“It’s just—. Well… You have a beard. That might be it,” Connor whispered. I frowned.

“I’ll have you know, women like the beard,” I replied, stroking my goatee proudly. Connor laughed without meaning to.

“I’m sorry… I’m sure you’re right. I wouldn’t know,” Connor comforted me.

I huffed. “I don’t need coddling, kid,” I snapped, “Come on.” I led him to the checkout line and rushed back to the car. We got on the highway, and the kid pulled out a book. “What are you reading?”

“It’s a book of poems,” Connor replied. He looked at me to try and gauge my level of interest.

I figured it’d be a shorter ride if we spoke to each other, so I humored him. To be fair, though, I didn’t care much for poems. “It looks old… Is it one of your favorites or something? Or is it secondhand?” I asked.

“Both,” Connor smiled. He had a contagious smile. I couldn’t deny that his mom and I made a pretty cute kid. “It’s one of my favorite books. Maybe I could read you one of my favorites if you don’t mind.”

“Sure, let’s hear it,” I replied.

The poem was fairly long, but he started to trail off and stammer. “Hey, does it—?” He sniffed, and I cursed under my breath. Crying again. “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t help it,” Connor mumbled, “I miss them. I’m so sorry. I miss them so much.”

I didn’t know much about the accident, so I had no idea people died. It caught me off guard. “Connor, I’m sorry. I didn’t know people—. My condolences, kiddo,” I whispered, “Finish the poem… It was a good one.”

[cosmictapestries]

Fic update!

I'm taking a break from my two WIP(Another Day in Paradise and Iron Butterflies) for the next few weeks to work on some CageBlade smut for the Dick R Treat challenge going on in April and May. You can find the deets below:

The first fic is entitled Mirror Move and will hopefuly be up in the next week or so.

I have one other on deck for the challenge and then i'm onto the next Chapter of ADIP and the last chapter of Iron Butterflies. My list of fic ideas is also growing! I've got some good ones in the pipes!

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Ango (Dwelling in Peace)

Fandom: DC Comics, Arrowfam

Summary: A young Connor Hawke spends the summer with Oliver Queen after an accident at the monastery.

Chapters: 4/?

Characters: Connor Hawke, Sandra Moonday Hawke, Oliver Queen, Dinah Lance, Roy Harper

Relationships: Oliver Queen/Dinah Lance

Additional Tags: Father-Son Relationship, POV Oliver Queen, Child Conor Hawke, No Capes AU

Chapter Four: Lojong (cleansing of attitudes)

“Dinah, I haven’t even—. I haven’t told Roy about Connor. I haven’t told Connor about Roy-. This—.”

“How long have you known about your son?” Dinah interrupted.

“The whole time… I knew the entire time,” I confessed. Dinah leaned forward, hiding her face in her palms as she sighed and cursed. “And how do I explain it to Connor? It’s not like I planned on Roy. It’s not like I planned either of them.” 

Dinah scoffed. “Yeah. Poor you. Poor, Ollie. Roy and Connor just happened to you. You didn’t ask to be a parent. So, why should anyone expect you to act like one?” Dinah asked. I scratched the back of my neck. “You’re not a kid anymore, Ollie. You’re a grown man with a family. You’ve got two sons, and you need to start acting like it. Stop being so damn selfish.” 

She stood up to leave, and I grabbed her wrist. “Don’t leave angry—.” 

“Ollie, I gotta go. Let go of my arm,” Dinah warned me. I let go and watched her leave. I tried not to dwell on it, but it ate at me. I returned to Connor’s room and sat beside him on his mattress. He woke up shivering and lay on my lap.  

“Connor, I um—. I have another kid. He’s around your age and out with his friends for the summer,” I took a breath, “His name is Roy Harper. He um—. I adopted him about a year ago.”  

Connor rolled off my lap and turned, facing the wall. “You never wanted me—.”

“Connor, that’s—. I didn’t even ask—. Roy didn’t have anyone else, and I made his father—. His other adoptive father a promise that I’d look after him—.” 

“You didn’t tell me before because you knew I’d feel rejected. I’m upset, but I have to forgive you. I’ll feel better if I forgive you, but I don’t know how you’ll feel,” Connor replied, “Something is holding you back. I don’t know what it is, but you’re hurting the people around you. So, that has to come from a place of pain or fear. You aren’t bad, but you make yourself seem that way.” 

I couldn’t be angry with him because of his gentle sincerity. “I’m so sorry, Connor. Do you want me to be honest with you?” I questioned. I wanted him to look at me. My pride wouldn’t allow me to let Connor give up on me. I didn’t want to be a lost cause. 

Connor made a soft noise. “Okay,” Connor replied.

“I didn’t know what I’d do with a kid… And you weren’t just a kid. You were a baby, Connor. To be fair, I’m not convinced that I know what I’m doing with Roy. I thought you’d be better off with one good parent than a—. Well… With me,” I confessed, “I wanted you to have a fair shake at being normal… And I didn’t want to be responsible for—. I didn’t want to be responsible.”

“Why did you come this time? If you didn’t want—.” 

“I was curious. I wanted to know how it would feel to see you,” I interrupted. 

It was so tense in the room. I couldn’t bear to be there, but I stayed. Connor stared at me with his sweet green eyes. “Do you regret seeing me?” Connor asked.

I swallowed hard. “Yes, because—. Because I enjoy your company. We’re nothing alike, but I like you so much. And I don’t know what to do with that. I never imagined we’d get along so well, and I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m sorry that I didn’t explain this to you earlier. I’m sorry that I wasn’t—. I’m sorry for everything. I don’t know if you should forgive me. Hell, I wouldn’t—. I wouldn’t forgive me,” I stammered. 

“You’re right,” Connor whispered, “We aren’t alike.” And then he grabbed the bottom of my shirt and shut his eyes. “Dad, I’m cold.”  

I sniffed as tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t stop them once they were there. They kept coming, streaming down my face as I pulled the quilt over Connor’s shoulders. “I can get you another blanket,” I offered. 

“No, thank you. I’d like it better if you stayed… And Dad? Thank you for not saying it,” Connor whispered. I scrunched down until I lay beside him, silently waiting for him to explain. 

When he didn’t, I cleared my throat to conceal my tears. “Not saying what?” I asked. 

“You didn’t want mom to have me,” Connor replied. I inhaled through my nose. 

It’s funny. I had all sorts of horrible apprehensive thoughts when it came to being a parent, but not once had I wished he didn’t exist. I didn’t regret that. I regretted the circumstances, and I hated the person I was and feared parenthood in every aspect, but I never thought for a second that he shouldn’t be born. In fact… I thought there should be more people like him. Gentle people in a harsh world.

I wanted to seem standoffish, but he hit my heart. It was like he knew where to aim in his search for the truth. Bullseye. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth,” I mumbled. Connor sat up and looked at me.  

“You’re crying… Did I say something—?”  

“It’s alright. I’m alright. I just—. I’m glad you’re here, Connor. It’s been weird so far and painfully awkward, but I needed this. I needed you here with me this summer,” I mumbled. 

“Thank you for coming to get me. You didn’t have to. Mom would’ve come if you insisted on staying away from me. I think your curiosity and kindness are the same,” Connor whispered. I smiled. 

“I can be better than this, you know… I wanna do better, and I want you to tell me when I suck at this,” I replied, “Do we have a deal?”  

“Can I meet Roy?” Connor asked.  

“Um… Sure, but you’ll have to give me time to explain it to Roy,” I replied, “His trip with his friends is almost over with. Give me a day or two.” 

“Okay. Are you going to stay after I fall asleep?” Connor questioned. 

“Uh-huh. I’m not going anywhere,” I whispered. I shut my eyes and wiped my face as I tried to get some shut-eye. I stirred once the phone rang. 

“Hello?” I answered.

“How’s Connor?” Sandra asked. 

“Um… Connor is—. He has a fever, but other than that, he’s okay. He’s sleeping,” I replied. I heard Sandra sigh over the phone. I wasn’t sure if she was angry or relieved. 

“Do you want me to come and get him?” Sandra asked.

“No. I need to see this through for the summer, at least. I wanna spend some time with him. Does he know how to ride a bike?” I asked. 

“Yeah… Oliver, I—. I’ll have some time off in July. Do you mind if I come and see him?” Sandra asked. 

“He’s your son too… And I think—. Connor’d be happy to see you,” I replied, “I’ll give him a kiss for you.” 

“Thanks, Ollie,” Sandra smiled. 

“No problem,” I whispered. She said goodbye and hung up. Connor mumbled something. “What was that?” 

“Who was that?” Connor replied. 

“Your mom wanted to know how you were doing. Do you feel better?” I asked as I felt his forehead. Connor grabbed my wrist. 

“Are you going to send me away?” Connor asked.

“Nope. You’re stuck with me for the summer,” I answered. Connor smiled and shut his eyes. He slept until lunchtime.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Ango (Dwelling in Peace)

Fandom: DC Comics, Arrowfam

Summary: A young Connor Hawke spends the summer with Oliver Queen after an accident at the monastery.

Chapters: 3/?

Characters: Connor Hawke, Sandra Moonday Hawke, Oliver Queen, Dinah Lance, Roy Harper

Relationships: Oliver Queen/Dinah Lance

Additional Tags: Father-Son Relationship, POV Oliver Queen, Child Conor Hawke, No Capes AU

Chapter Three: Lamdra (the path and its result)

I took Connor to the art store because he was interested in painting. I thought it’d keep him occupied while I went to the city council meeting on Friday. I let him venture around the store, looking at paintbrushes, sponges, watercolors, and ink. “Dad, you don’t have—.”

“Don’t worry about it. Keep looking around,” I interrupted. I knew Connor didn’t care for possessions, but I wanted him to have something. I wanted him to feel comforted because I couldn’t give him that feeling. I didn’t have it in me to be a parent. I looked at him, not knowing what to do with him. Connor wanted me to like him. I knew that much but didn’t know how to express it without feeling responsible for him.

He had a sweet face, full of curiosity and wonder. It should’ve been simple. But I couldn’t make it easy on myself. For all it was worth, he was like the sun. I couldn’t stare at him or get too close. I didn’t want to be a father, but I liked having him as a son. My sun. “What do you want for dinner? How about rice and cabbage soup? Do you like cabbage?” I asked.

“Can I help?” Connor asked. I nodded.

We stood in line, and he reached for my hand. My first instinct was to flinch away, but I let him hold on. It made him feel safe. “Taking up a new hobby?” the cashier asked.

Connor stood on his tiptoes and pulled my arm. “Dad, this is too much,” Connor whispered.

“No, it’s not. Don’t worry about it,” I replied. I paid for the art supplies and took Connor to the car. “Connor, you want to paint. At least let me supply you with the means to do that.”

Connor smiled at me, and I brushed my knuckle against his chin. “Thank you,” Connor whispered as he sat in the passenger’s seat. When we got home, I set up a spot for Conner to paint and reviewed my flashcards for the city council meeting. “How long will you be gone tomorrow?”

“Anywhere between thirty minutes and four hours… It’s hard to tell,” I answered. Connor held his breath for a few seconds. “What?” No answer. I didn’t push for anything further.

*

That night, we had rice with carrots and mushrooms. It was a hit with the kid. He must’ve eaten three helpings, so he was half-asleep by the end of our meal. He washed the dishes, and I dried them and put them away. “Hey, you’ve done enough. Go brush your teeth,” I whispered. Connor nodded. I wiped the table down and set Connor’s watercolor stuff on the table, then I wrote a note and made his lunch. I entered my room and smiled at him. He fell asleep facedown, and I took a quilt off the rack to drape over him.

“Goodnight, Connor,” I whispered as I rubbed his back. He murmured something incoherent in his sleep, and I climbed into bed and turned out the light. He groaned and turned his head.

“Dad,” Connor mumbled. I couldn’t tell if he was asleep or awake. “Dad… Are you going to be home this weekend?”

“I’ll be home Saturday and Sunday… Why?” I questioned.

Connor stared at me, smiling so brightly that I noticed a dimple in his cheeks. “It’s nothing extraordinary,” Connor whispered.

“Go to sleep… It’s getting late,” I whispered. Connor obeyed. I waited until his eyes closed to smile. I couldn’t sleep. I kept staring at him, trying to describe the feeling in my chest. A heaviness. It frightened me. I felt the same feeling that made me run off in the first place. I wasn’t ready then, and I still wasn’t ready.

*

The city council meeting allowed me to spend time away from home for the first time in ten days. I could hardly remember the agenda for the meeting. A few city council members complained about me being there as usual, and I was too distracted to come up with a witty reply. I kept thinking about Connor sleeping in late. It was out of character for him. He woke up at the same time every morning. The meeting dragged on for six hours, and I got coffee afterward. He didn’t call at all. That scared me. I knew he was twelve and old enough to stay home alone, but he wasn’t the type of kid Roy was. They constantly supervised Connor in the monastery, so he wasn’t used to being alone. I rushed home with this dreadful feeling and put my keys in the door, shocked that it was already open. “Connor! Connor! Where are you?” I called.

I felt a hand tap me on the shoulder. I whipped around. Dinah stood with her arms crossed. “Hi, Ollie,” Dinah whispered. Her jaw tightened.

“Dinah, listen. I can explain—.”

“Well, it took me a long time to explain to your scared twelve-year-old son that I wasn’t going to hurt him. You could’ve told me you had a kid. I scared him half to death when I showed up like this,” Dinah sighed as she raked a hand through her dark hair. No wig. Beautiful. Furious. I had to remind myself she was two seconds from murdering me in my living room. I swallowed hard. “Who leaves a twelve-year-old boy home alone with a fever? He’s in there burning up.”

“Dinah, I didn’t know he was sick when I left. I—. I gave him my cell number to call in an emergency—.”

“Dad?” Connor whispered. I turned toward the hall. Connor stood with a hand on the wall, sweating and trembling as tears streamed down his cheeks. “I didn’t wanna bother you.”

I frowned. “Connor, go back to bed. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I was the one who—.” He wavered as he tried to walk toward me, and I caught him. “Okay. I’ve got you. Let’s go.” Connor didn’t move. Instead, he covered his mouth, and I knew what was next. So, I took my sweater and held it to his mouth. He threw up. And I stood there while he vomited into my sweatshirt while I rubbed his back. My mind went blank, and I couldn’t think of anything. Waves of anxiety washed over me as I realized it could’ve been much worse. I wondered what would’ve happened had Dinah not shown up.

“Thanks, Dinah. I’ve got him,” I whispered. She returned with a trash bag and pulled my sweater off from the back. She balled it up and tossed it for me. I didn’t expect Dinah to yell at me in front of him, but I knew she wanted to. I took Connor to his room, grabbed two washcloths and a basin from the bathroom, and wiped his face. “Thank you for getting me out of that.”

I sat beside Connor, and he leaned against me. “Three things cannot be long hidden: The sun. The moon. And the truth,” Connor quoted.

“I didn’t lie to her,” I whispered as I took the plastic bowl of water Dinah must’ve filled off the nightstand.

“You didn’t tell her… A lie by omission is still a lie. That’s what my mom says,” Connor whispered. Dinah was right. His skin was hot to the touch.

I didn’t feel like arguing with him. “Okay… So I lied to her by omission. How do I fix that?” I asked. I tossed the dirty washcloth in the hamper and used the other to wipe the sweat from his brow. “Are you cold?”

“No… Dad, can you—? Is she your girlfriend?” Connor asked. I nodded. “Are you going to lie to her again?”

His head bobbed as he shut his eyes. “What’s the matter?” I asked. “And yeah… I think I might lie to her again someday. People—. I lie sometimes.” And there it was: the shame and disappointment I tried to shield him from feeling. He was a great kid, and I didn’t measure up. He deserved someone he could look up to.

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Ango (Dwelling in Peace)

Fandom: DC Comics, Arrowfam

Summary: A young Connor Hawke spends the summer with Oliver Queen after an accident at the monastery.

Chapters: 2/?

Characters: Connor Hawke, Sandra Moonday Hawke, Oliver Queen, Dinah Lance, Roy Harper

Relationships: Oliver Queen/Dinah Lance

Additional Tags: Father-Son Relationship, POV Oliver Queen, Child Conor Hawke, No Capes AU

Chapter Two: Chōsoku (rapid progress)

Once Connor got settled in, I started prepping for dinner. I thought he’d make himself scarce or shut himself away in his room, but he joined me in the kitchen. Connor washed his hands in the sink and asked me if I needed help. “I won’t put meat in the chili this go-round,” I paused, “Put on some gloves. Do you know how to cut onions?” Connor shook his head.

I grinned and sat him at the counter with a cutting board while I wet a paper towel. I grabbed my cutting board and two knives and sat beside him. “I wet this paper towel so you won’t start crying when we cut the onions,” I explained, “There’s a couple ways to cut onion, but this way’s the easiest. Hold it steady and cut down—.” I stopped and readjusted his fingers. “Curve your fingers, and don’t hold your pointer finger on the blade. You’ll cut yourself.” Connor nodded. “Cut down the center. I poke the onion with the tip of the knife and slide—. Good.” He peeled off the outer part, and I showed him how to dice.

“How many onions do we need?” Connor asked.

“Well, we usually only cut one onion… But it won’t hurt to make a bigger pot this once. Slide those onions into the bowl while I get the other stuff from the fridge,” I replied. Connor obeyed. “You’re doing great by the way.” I broke off cloves of garlic and smashed and diced them together. Connor snuck a piece of bell pepper while I chopped them, so I made us a small bowl.

“I’m sorry—.”

“I do it, too,” I chuckled. The kitchen was my turf, which helped. It loosened me up enough to be myself.

“Thanks for letting me help,” Connor replied. I reached for another piece of bell pepper when Connor did. We instinctively pulled our hands away from the bowl, reaching back simultaneously, and he laughed.

“We’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” I joked as my phone vibrated on the counter. “Sorry. Let me get this.”

“Okay,” Connor replied.

I stepped out of the kitchen to answer. “Hello?” I whispered.

“How is he?” Sandra asked.

“He’s fine. We’re making dinner,” I replied, “Does he have any allergies I should know about?”

“No allergies. How’s Connor doing? Is he eating?” Sandra questioned.

I glanced at Connor, and he waved at me. I waved back. “Not sure yet… He slept the whole way here, but he seems okay now. “Do you wanna talk to him?”

“I don’t want to shake him up… I want him to get used to you first,” Sandra replied, “Give him a kiss for me, Ollie.”

“Alright,” I answered.

She hung up, leaving me alone with Connor again. “Hey, kiddo? Are you okay with being home alone for a few hours?” I asked. “Next Friday. Not tonight.”

“Well, I—. Um—. Sure,” Connor stammered. I sat next to him at the counter and kissed his temple.

“Your mom asked me to give you that,” I explained. He smiled.

“Mom called?” Connor questioned. I nodded.

I wondered if he missed her. I wondered if he resented Sandra and me for leaving him alone. And part of me hoped Connor would shift most of that blame to me. I cleared my throat, trying to push back the guilt I felt. “Connor, how’re you handling the accident? I mean—. You never told me what happened,” I whispered. Connor frowned.

“There was a rockslide during our walk… A lot of people—. Some of my friends died. There was nothing we could do,” Connor answered. He swallowed hard.

I could tell by the weak tone of his voice that Connor wanted to cry. “Connor, I don’t mean to upset you… I only—. I wanna know where your head is at,” I explained.

“Not everything happens for a reason. Nature is not rational. Just make peace with whatever happens,” Connor quoted, “I have to keep repeating it to myself because it’d be too much to bear.”

I couldn’t speak. “Thank you for asking,” Connor replied. I nodded. The silence that followed was softer. Easier to digest... Unlike my chili, which nearly killed Connor. It took three spoonfuls of peanut butter and half a cup of soy milk to cool him down. I would’ve thought it was funny, but it was more sad to me than anything. I let him eat ice cream for dinner to make up for it until it made him feel better.

*

When nighttime rolled around, we got ready for bed, and I sat in my room reading a book when I got a knock on the door. “Dad?” Connor whispered.

I opened my bedroom door, and he held his mattress under his arm. “Okay… Come in,” I whispered, “Go straight to bed, though.” I set his mattress down, and he helped me make the bed. He looked at me with those sweet hazel eyes of his. “Don’t say you’re sorry… I don’t mind the company.”

“Dad? I had fun with you today,” Connor smiled. I knew he wanted to hug me, so I pulled him in, careful not to put pressure on the bandage on his forehead. I kissed his temple and turned the light down a notch. It wasn’t emotional. It was automatic. I think he felt it because he frowned, clutching the bottom of his pajama shirt. “Is this summer only a one-time thing?”

I wasn’t about to lie to him. I owed him the truth about that, at least. “I don’t know, Connor… We’ll see, okay? You might realize you don’t like me,” I answered.

“What if I do like you and you don’t like me back?” Connor questioned.

“I doubt that’ll happen, Connor… If you like it here, you can visit me whenever your mom says it’s okay,” I answered. Connor smiled and pulled the blanket over his head. Even after I finished reading and turned out the lights, I lay awake, watching him breathe. He was so quiet. So still.

“Connor?” I whispered. He didn’t answer. I climbed out of bed and kneeled beside him. Pulling the blankets off to see his little face. He shivered. I covered him up again while I looked for a hat from my drawer. I pulled it over his head, and he grabbed my shirt. The noise I let out frightened him awake, and I fell backward.

“Dad?” Connor whispered. I shook my head.

“Keep your head warm. It’s cold down there,” I whispered as I pulled his blankets up. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay… What’s the matter?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, go to bed. I’m fine,” I whispered. I lay in bed facing him and waited until he fell asleep again. I slept easy once he settled in. Soon, my eyes grew heavy, and I fell asleep too.