#adhd reminder: slow the fuck down

[citrine-elephant]

really recommend having a self care ritual. i truly mean ritual. whether it's for show or an actual religious thing, having that process feels wonderful.

hot shower, lotion, comfy socks, a candle, and the weighted blankie? yes. taking your time to wash your hair and feel the water? smell the candle and the lotion? feel the hug of the blanket? mhm.

[puppyeared]

adhd is when you shoot for the moon but you forgot the rocket fuel and by the time you realize it everyones already on the moon and then you panic and crash into the sun and it explodes

[icarusredwings]

Thinking about how Charles raised Jean since she was 8 years old. That's his daughter. That's his baby. Everyone always talks about how Jean gets away with everything- NO FUCKING DUH!! Charles is her FATHER. And he's such a girl dad. He practically raised Raven, too, and the look of horror he had when realizing she wasn't that little girl in his kitchen anymore, realizing that he COULDN'T actually control his daughter anymore and that her aunt was right. Realizing that he could have prevented all of this if he had just let her deal with these emotions when smaller. Charles and Erik are the extremes of the same coin, Charles could never actually blame her for what he did to Jean, Hank makes him realize this. But Erik feels it's fully her fault. And the fact that she came to him for help tells me that Erik was still around when she was growing up with Charles. It tells me she trusts Erik. It tells me that she was heart broken when Erik turned her away.

Anyway I forgot what my point is but if his little Jeanie asks if she can get more funding the awnser is always 'Yes my darling, how much should I make the check for?' Because hes a girl dad.

Also I now have a new head canon that Pietro finds comfort in Jean because she reminds him of his sister Wanda.

Charles 🤝Having redhead badass daughters that they can't control, have some sort of red symbolism, and many people are afraid of them, but they just want to be good mothers and protect their family 🤝 Erik

#cherikmoment

With their two baddie daughters and their hyperactive adhd loser (affectionate) son.

(Pietro telling the kids to "Slow down! Saftey and.. stuff." At the end of Dark Phoenix is so funny. Massive hypocrite of a teacher. He's such an older brother to these little kids tho, gossiping to them that he did all the work and jean did nothing despite jean kicking his ass 10 minutes later to the point hes carried out of the black bird in a streacher. I love him so much)

[peachyloveshange]

Choking on Self Care

Levi x Hange

Modern day/College au, Hange is neurodivergent with a chemistry hyperfixation

Hange uses They/them

Can be romantic or platonic, your choice

Levi walks back to his shared dorm with Hange as he sees them sprawled out all over their desk with 6 books opened and 4 filled pieces of notebook paper.

"Whatcha doing Hange, I bet you were so caught up with studying that you forgot to take your evening shit." He teases and chuckles to himself.

"Oh, Ok." Hange replied in a mumble.

"Are you even listening to me?" Levi raises his voice as he gets a slow and inattentive nod in return.

He usually wouldn't care and is used to this, but recently he's been getting a feeling Hange has been lying about taking their ADHD meds. He was interested in testing that theory out and decided to keep a closer eye on Hange for a while.

A few months ago, Hange finally got prescribed their ADHD meds. They were taking them twice a day during the first few weeks like they were supposed to, with the help of gentle reminders from Moblit & other friends.

Along with a harsh "Take your meds before you start day dreaming about your chemistry studies in an unrelated class four eyes!!!" In a rough sarcastic tone from Levi every morning.

It had all been going smooth, Hange still showed ADHD traits but wasn't as hyperactive, was on a good sleep schedule for a while and even got better with personal hygiene and self care. Until, it all recently stopped and Hange would run on no sleep while already being inattentive and restless enough on a regular basis.

Levi originally had no interest in getting involved right away, not knowing if Hange was off their meds or if something else such as depression was going on to make them behave this way. Levi started to feel a bit bad for them because of their lack of self care, he also tired of the stench.

He never minded their hyperfixations and other traits but seeing the lack of self care Hange was putting themself through was affecting both him and probably them. He was now used to seeing them on meds and taking care of themself and assumed they were used to it too.

"Hey four eyes, are you hungry? I'm ordering food" Without looking up from their chemistry books Hange replies "Uh yeah.", Levi sighs heavily knowing Hange has been like this every time he came back to their shared dorm and every morning before leaving the dorm too, they were always so distracted recently, which led him to where he is now.

He is roughly holding Hange's mouth open the next morning, after Hange was about to bump into a door while being too focused on their chemistry books before Levi caught them. They laugh and cry thinking this is was all so silly and not putting together what was going on right away.

"Levi Stopppp! It tickles!" They say drooling, and giggling with their mouth being held wide open by Levi who's hastily searching for the pills to put them in their mouth as they struggle when they realize he's trying to give them their meds.

"This wouldn't be so fucking funny if you had ended up bumping into that door because of your inattentiveness. What if you broke your precious glasses?" Levi says strictly.

"You've already broke them 3 times this year, you seem to forget that we are both broke ass college students who have no time or money to go looking for new $350 eye glasses again!!" He exclaims harshly shoving the medicine down Hange's throat as they stop struggling and giggling.

Hange swallows the meds and knows it's better not to play games with Levi right now. He's already cranky in the mornings, especially on a Thursday morning like this one where him and Hange both have to be on campus early for classes. He also did have a point about the glasses.

"Okay sorry, sorry!" They put their hands up beside their head jokingly as if they just committed a crime.

Levi pinches his nose bridge "Just don't let it happen again, I want you back on your meds.", He says getting closer and sniffing around. "And put some deoderant on, you stink" He says as he covers his nose and leaves. "I'll see you on campus."

Hange lags behind and decides to take a shower for once, knowing they'll be late. They get ready and leave, seeing Levi on campus a few hours later.

"Well well well look who's finally not all into their chemistry books anymore." He says sarcastically.

"Oh shut up!" Hange replies in a playful tone. Hange looked much more taken care of than earlier and even brushed their hair which is a rare for them on or off meds. They smelt better too.

"Hey Levi..?" They say shyly.

"What?, Stop acting all shy it's corny. You're never shy.", Levi says scornfully.

"Haha, Okay Okay, I just wanted to apologize for giving you so much trouble and not taking meds damn, they were given to me for a reason. Even though I'd usually say 'fuck those meds', it's not all about me. I'll leave you be now.", They say apologetically and beginning to walk away.

"Hange Stop." He says firmly. "I've known you for years. Knowing you, I knew you weren't planning to take those meds everyday, and especially not twice a day like you're technically supposed to. I never expected you to take them twice a day all the time or stop having ADHD traits.", He says as he breathes deeply.

"I just think you should take better care of yourself and taking your meds when you struggle to do that, for yourself and for me. I don't want to smell your stench, and I don't think anyone else on this campus wants to either. At least put some deodorant's on before you leave the dorm, Holy shit." He breathes deeply after getting that all out.

"And there's no need to hide the fact that you're not taking them. I promise not to shove pills down your throat again.", He sighs while rubbing the back of his neck.

"So you're saying you're sorry?", Hange asks playfully and excitedly, knowing Levi rarely apologizes to them in situations like these.

"Nope, I don't regret shoving those pills down your throat this time, I'm just saying I won't do it again.", He says sassily.

"Okay, thank you Levi." Hange says grinning and holding back a chuckle, poorly attempting at being polite and trying to take the conversation seriously. They find it hilarious every time Levi gets sassy or sarcastic with them.

"Quit the shy and polite act if you want to hug me or laugh or something hurry up and get it over with.", He stated rolling his eyes.

"YAYYYYYYY" Hange yells as they run to hug Levi tightly, embarrassing him in front of the only 2 friends he has, the 2 friends in question literally including Hange themself. ☠️

[blankinsidecards]

Steddie fic rec list part 2:

Fluff Edition

Part 1

These are the only the ooeyiest of gooeyiest of comfort fics. As little angst as you can get with these two.

a cinematic vision ensued (like the holiest daydream) by @fivecenturiesofverse

• Rating: T • Complete

Eddie and Steve have been spending a lot of time together since Vecna. They're co-parenting kids, getting high every night, and sleeping in the same bed. They basically share a wardrobe too.

He thinks this is dangerous, its like they’re married, the casual sharing of intimacy, this space between them which feels like something and nothing all at the same time. He thinks it’s dangerous for him to pretend Steve sees it the same way, that one day Steve’s droopy, kind eyes are going to see right through him and he’ll lose this. This being a side of Steve’s bed that is his, a nightstand where his rings always pile, a draw of shirts in Steve’s bedroom that only Steve uses. He can’t lose it, so he shuts his mouth, turns out the light, and watches the slow breathing of sleep fill Steve’s chest.

This one is so sweet; all sharing of clothes and beds and weed. It’s really short but god is it soft. The weighted blanket of fluff fics. Really adore all of Eddie’s internal arguments when he’s looking at Steve being the softest motherfucker on the planet and forcefully reminding himself that Steve is dangerous. I think about Eddie walking his knuckles down the knobs of Steve’s spine almost daily.

Linger by @yournowheregirl

• Rating: T • Complete • Modern!AU

Eddie hates the library, he hates how quiet it is and how he’s always getting shushed by that librarian hag Muriel. But he hates his idiot roommate and his tendency to hog their dorm room to have loud sex with his girlfriend all night long, even more. And now he has to spend all night in the library cramming for an exam, which would be fine, if not for the fact that some polo-clad douchebag shows up and declares that Eddie’s study spot is actually his.

Or: Steve and Eddie fight over a study spot and accidentally fall in love over coffee, Vivaldi and the horror that is finals week.

So fucking cute. I forgot how much I love college AU’s. Features: Wonderwall by Oasis (much to Eddie’s chagrin), a librarian from hell, a SickFic Chapter, and an Eddie that has ADHD. Also, this one’s for the emo-kid Eddie truthers out there. Teeny bit of angst and some miscommunication but for me it was worth it. Frickin adorable.

Date me instead by @zhuletta

• Rating: E • Complete

Every date Steve has gone to lately has been horrible. It’s impossible that there’s something wrong with the entire female population of Hawkins, so surely there must be something wrong with him.

“Why don’t you take me on a date then?”

“Wh— what?”

“Take me on a date, pretend, of course, and then I’ll tell you if there’s something wrong with you or not.”

Or: Eddie proposes a crazy idea to see if there's something wrong with him, Steve finds the fact that it works is even crazier.

So so fluffy. You will get a toothache from this one. It’s the cheesiest plot you could think of. For those of you who love a good loverboy!steve this for you. They’re just wooing eachother all the way through. Delightful.

Saving All My Love For You (and it’s sequel Endless Love) by @subtlehysteria

• Rating: M • Complete

It was decided then and there in the Buckley residence’s lounge, on their weird Persian carpet while staring up at the off-white ceiling and Robin giggling at his side. He was going to rock Steve Harrington’s platonic world, man. And nothing was going to get in his way.

Or: Eddie notices Steve struggles with touch and in trying to help his new friend, develops feelings along the way.

Really sweet. Classic touch-starved Steve and tactile affection Eddie. Bedsharing, pinkie promises, and platonic hand-holding. Eddie gives Will a makeover and some advice. A bit of subtle body worship, love that. Sequel fic is also really cute but it has a bit of a rough scene with The Harrington Parents so be aware of that.

Do Nothing With You by @red-0ak-tree

• Rating: M • Complete

Steve and Robin get a two bedroom in Hawkins. It's perfect, except for all the ways it isn't. Drafty windows, clogged drains, shitty landlord. But it's got a couch. A couch that's often occupied by Eddie Munson. Home isn't really the kind of thing Eddie has much of anymore, ever since his trailer became the primary source for all his nightmares. Luckily, he knows of a semi-comfortable couch where he's always welcome.

Despite all it's problem, the house has perks. Primarily, it's somewhere Steve can actually call home. Secondarily, it's somewhere he can share with the people he loves.

AKA: The fruity four live in a convoluted roommate situation, and romance happens along the way.

We all love a good co-habitation fic. Robin and Steve get an apartment together, it’s falling apart, and Eddie knows how to fix things. Slowly, Steve and Eddie start to help fix eachother. This probably has the most angst out of all of these, but it’s also one of my absolute favorites and the sweetness overpowers the lows.

PTA Shouldn’t Stand for Pretty Tight Ass by @samthefrank and @humanityinahandbag

• Rating: M • Incomplete • Future fic/Modern!AU

Steve Harrington - ex local legend and fearsome bully, now single father of two - returns to Hawkins after the world spit him out. With a messy life to sort through, all he wanted was settle down and get his kids through seventh grade without any surprises.

Cue Mr. Eddie Munson, ex victim of one Steve Harrington, now Hawkins Middle School's favorite music teacher.

Or: What happens when your former high school bully raises two absolute nerds, joins the PTA, helps run the bake sale, makes the best cupcakes in Indiana, and may or may not be having a bisexual crisis.

This was the very first Steddie fic I ever subscribed to and let me tell you I get so HYPED every time I get the notification they update. Steve is a single dad to twins Dustin & Max, a damn good baker, and custodian at his dad’s auto dealership. Eddie is a music teacher in the style of Jack Black in School of Rock, who’s best friends with his fellow teachers Miss Buckley and Miss Cunningham. This fic has Robin and Eddie perform Body Talks by The Struts & Ke$ha at an open-mic karaoke and it’s so fucking electric that that song earned a place on my steddie playlist. It’s a real slow burn but I’m so excited to see where they take this story.

it’s such a magical mysteria by @phantom-of-the-wapera

• Rating: M • Complete

Eddie's staring at the ceiling, eyes half closed and still giggling faintly. He looks pretty. He looks like he belongs here, in Steve’s bed, and Steve gets hit with how much he wants Eddie to stay, to crawl in bed beside Steve every night and wake up there every sunrise.

And, shit, it’s a lot. Steve's gone, completely, fully, fucking free-falling his way into everything that was, is, and will be Eddie Munson. Head over heels, ass over tits, heart-took-a-nosedive off his sleeve and into the lap of the boy beside him, gazing half-lidded at the ceiling, the glimmer of dreamy stars in the sliver of his eyes Steve can see.

or, the one where Steve's trying to figure out his future, his feelings, and one Eddie Munson.

So fluffy, so sweet. They’re all nerds and they love Star Wars. This is a tiny detail but Steve goes to college and he likes it and I love that for him. Completely SMOTHERED in hope for a bright future.

nice to meet you, where you been? by @flowercrowngods

• Rating: T • Edit: Complete • Modern!AU

When Eddie enters the tattoo parlour that Chrissy recommended to him, he doesn't know what'll hit him. Never in a million years would he have expected the pastel or the minimalistic decor or how really fucking polished everything about this place is. It's like an antithesis to Eddie's entire existence has been created with the makings of this shop.

The absolute cherry on top is the man that walks into the room to greet him, though, and Eddie can't contain the look of absolute bafflement. Because there is no way that Steve Harrington, whom Eddie has has the maddest crush on in high school, owns a tattoo shop. No way. Nuh-uh. Not dressed in pastel like he is.

Eddie wants to punch a wall. What he doesn't know yet is that he'll have the best time reconnecting with Steve. And if he gets a tattoo out of it, well, then that's just another win for the community in his book.

LOVE a Tattoo Shop!AU and this is no exception. This one is pretty new, but so far it’s the fluffiest shit I’ve read in ages. Features trans man Eddie, Chrissy Cunningham as his scheming best friend, and a lot of Taylor Swift. I literally found this one moments ago and immediately needed to put it on this list. It’s too fucking cute, I can’t wait to see where it goes.

[pretentious-librarian]

ACOTAR Review

Unfortunately, I was not able to evade that cursed woman for as long as I had hoped. She got me, exploiting my greatest weakness in the way her own characters are exploited by that very same weakness throughout the book: fucking love. My best friend, the love of my life, has fallen victim to Sarah J. Maas and in her obsession she has forcibly dragged me down with her. Now that I think about it, my best friend is quite literally the only thing that could ever make me pick up a SJM book. So in the name of love, I subjected myself to booktok's finest (which isn't saying much given booktok's reputation) and here are my thoughts, namely the ones I couldn't bring myself to voice to my friend. After all, the whole point of even reading this in the first place was so that she could have someone to talk about it with. While I am not above pointing out it's flaws to her, I don't have it in me to spite the very thing she gets so much joy out of as deeply as I would've wanted to. Besides, who am I to talk as a Twilight enjoyer when I know damn well that series was a beloved dumpster fire just as much as ACOTAR is. And honestly, her love for the series and my love for her has dissolved some of my bias and frankly, distaste, for the book. And now on to the review.

Disclaimers: Spoilers, ADHD ramblings and tangents, ungodly amounts of pretentiousness from someone who doesn't usually enjoy fantasy, and yes I know this book functions as a prequel and the second book is way better (I started the second book last night, wish me luck)

ACOTAR felt juvenile in nearly every aspect. To be fair, I had just finished reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstien mere days before picking up ACOTAR so I had to remind myself to go into it with a level of graciousness. Yet all the graciousness in the world cannot override the horrific editing of that damn book. Attempting to fall in love with a whole new world and characters was incredibly difficult when the writer in me was literally dying inside. To be completely honest, I always evaluate the writing of any book I read, especially in the beginning. I'm not even going to discuss how the majority of the book drug its feet or worse, was filled with inescapable, constant monologuing. I could rant and rave about "show don't tell" for hours, which is why I am choosing not to spend more than two sentences talking about the god awful fucking monologuing (to be fair, I'm aware that slow starts and monologuing are often necessary in fantasy books but definitely not to this extent). But holy shit, there were way too many instances in which I was flung from my daydreams and smacked square in the face by the sheer... fanfiction-ness of her writing. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE fanfiction and I am a huge advocate for its existence and protection, especially as a purely anti-capitalist labor of love without a single care about the skill level at which it was written. But when I pick up a viral #1 New York Times Best Selling Author's book, the last thing I am expecting to see is such elementary writing--that I firmly believe could've been rectified if she had hired an editor that was even half decent at their job. My qualifications for making such a claim? Even I have edited a full-length fantasy novel and unfortunately, it took many harsh reminders from my best friend to at least attempt to focus on the story rather than obsess over all the changes I would've personally made before I considered the book decent enough for publishing.

THAT SAID: One of the reasons I always gravitate towards fanfiction when I'm in a reading slump is because it's just so... digestible. ACOTAR was also digestable in a very similar way, which is sort of what made it possible for me to finish it in about four days. Honestly, (aside from my autistic ass struggling to connect with a brand new fantasy world and characters I feel fundamentally estranged from) the fanfiction-ness of the writing made me feel the same as when I'm watching reality TV: aware of the quality but choosing to have a good time with it anyways. Because my friend loved this book so much, I desperately wanted it to be good. But once I accepted that the writing was mid, as well as a good bit of the plot and the characters, I was able to enjoy myself enough to lose myself in the story, no matter how much the pretentious bitch inside kept trying to claw her way to the forefront of my thoughts. It was almost freeing to subject myself to such a juvenile piece of literature. Speaking of, there is one aspect of it's juvenility that I will not explore, but rather, let Robert Pattinson's reaction to reading the Twilight books to voice the principle of those thoughts instead:

"I was convinced Stephanie was convinced she was Bella, and it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published. You're like, reading her sort of, like, sexual fantasy about some...really sexy guy and she just writes this book about it. And like, some things about Edward is [are] so specific, it was like I was just convinced that...this woman is mad! She's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And like, sometimes you...feel, like, uncomfortable reading this thing! And I think a lot of people feel that is...in the same way kind of voyeuristic and and it creates this...kind of like, a sick pleasure in a lot of ways".

Although this sentiment about ACOTAR may not be exceptionally widespread, personally, as a far-left rad-fem socialist who has spent years learning to decenter men, some of what Rob said resonated with me. Despite that this type of book is not particularly appealing to me personally, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad quality (but can easily bar it from being good quality), and this aspect definitely would've connected to my younger self before I became a chronically online femen@zi.

Moving on. The pretentious bitch inside me couldn't help but quietly take note of what was executed nicely and what was not, even as I was doing my best to go with the flow. I might as well go ahead and discuss what else I liked about it before I'm written off completely. I adored the imagery and sensory details--it's truly what made the experience good enough to keep reading. Her descriptions really draw the reader in and make them feel like they're right there with characters, in the good times and the bad ones too. I definitely don't have aphantasia and am a chronic day dreamer so I absolutely love descriptive books. Colors, sensations, emotions, all of it. I loved and hated the way I felt genuine emotions in all kinds of scenes (hated not because I'm a bitter hater, but hated because I can't help but feel everything any character I'm reading about is feeling--good, bad, or otherwise. And boy did Feyre go through some shit). Typically, books that can make me feel deeply are the best books but in this case, it acted more as a saving grace, especially because most of those feelings that were present in this book, though intense, lacked a certain type of depth I tend to gravitate towards.

Another thing I liked was Lucien! Lucien is by far my favorite character, not because he's particularly extraordinary, but because he feels...real? rather than being another one of SJM's romantic projections. (Sorry the writing style changed half way through, I was lowkey writing like SJM because I thought it was funny but I got tired of that real quick.) In the same vein, every now and then Feyre would get real as fuck, which was greatly appriciated when reading about such intense situations. Nightmares feel like a cheap excuse to avoid having to deal with your MC being traumatized because it's not uncommon for nightmares to be one of the only aspects of trauma focused by YA/new adult writers as well as a trojan horse a romantic scene. ACOTAR felt more believable (or maybe the word is genuine?) because Feyre dealt with real consequences from her trauma such as DSM-5 accurate depression, chronic low self esteem, mistrust, trauma bonding, etc. Lastly, I can't tell if I loved or hated the way SJM tied up all the loose ends (excluding some intentional cliffhangers). On one hand, it was satisfying as a reader to not have found any glaring plot holes yet I can't shake the feeling that she was making it up as she went. Source: trust me bro

As for Feyre's flaws, I feel that other readers have already explored in those depth and I don't feel the need to keep beating a dead horse. Same goes for Tamlin--I didn't find him all that interesting or charming even when Feyre was falling for him, so my already subpar opinion of him got worse and worse and will likely continue to do so as I continue reading the second book. He is so incredibly immature I can hardly stand it. Don't even get me started on how he always wants to fuck and thinks that suffices as an expression of love and care for Feyre. Even if that's technically not how it is, that is definitely how it read. To be clear, I'm pretty sure readers aren't meant to adore Tamlin; my issue is that Feyre goes through hell for someone so mid and we as readers are supposed to think her love and devotion are justified.

Now, let's get back to some hardcore griping! Amarantha's villain origin story makes sense until you actually meet her. Interacting with her felt like interacting with a cartoon villain from a shitty kids show. She was terrifyingly sadistic yet the justification for it was too weak to uphold her sadism. She felt like evil personified rather than a fleshed out person suffering the human condition (I know she's not human but you know what I mean). Good villains don't have to be redeemable, but they do have to be somewhat believable. These fae are all centuries old and have been through so much but somehow lack the emotional maturity I gained at the ripe age of seventeen?! I too have been a woman scorned enough to do make some interesting choices but jesus christ, Amarantha, it's really not that deep. Maybe it's the trauma that makes them like that, because I certainly have not endured what they have, nor have I ever held the amount of power they wield and I will never be able to fully comprehend what that does to a person. So who am I to talk. Anyways, I could ramble endlessly about Amarantha's shortcomings as a character but I think I've touched on her most glaring offenses.

Ugh. Now I'm gonna acknowledge that damn riddle and Tamlin's heart of stone concept that was executed so, so...let's just say, uniquely. When I read Amarantha's riddle, I came up with an answer so quickly that I was certain was it was incorrect. My personal belief system is centered around love (obviously not just the romantic kind) so I thought maybe I was biased since I try to see love in everything, not to mention the answer I had come up with seemed way too on the nose, given Feyre's circumstances and how much of the plot was driven by romance/love/attachment. But to my surprise and simultaneous disappointment, the answer to the riddle was love. I feel like even Feyre should've got that because of her Amarantha-enforced circumstances. And as for Tamlin's heart of stone--that Feyre figured out surprisingly easily even though she couldn't figure out that obvious riddle--it certainly wasn't something I was predicting, and the concept of it felt a little...elementary? Not because it was predictable or anything, but because of how squarely SJM looked that heart of stone metaphor in the face and decided to... well... do that....

I'm just glad she made Feyre grapple with her decision to kill the two innocents and let it haunt her afterwards, especially when her motives are called into question. She loves Tamlin (somehow. but maybe I'm just a manhater) which is what drives her to do what she does and what puts her in direct conflict with Amarantha but I'm just glad SJM bothered to create circumstances that let Feyre's selfishness (I'm not saying I would or wouldn't have done the same thing in her circumstance) also happen to benefit the entire kingdom-world thing. Basically I feel fundamentally estranged from Feyre because I see the value of all people and would like to think I'd do the right thing based on love and respect for all living things rather than for a whiny man child. I feel like I'm getting sidetracked somehow.

TW: SA

I'm hesitant to even talk about Rhysand because I'm not sure I fully understand him as a character yet. However, I love him as a character so far even if I don't love him/his personality that much. He felt developed in ways other characters didn't, similar to Lucien but I actually liked Lucien's personality from the start, even when he pisses me off sometimes. But on the topic of Rhysand, I was uncomfortable with how SJM wrote about SA in general. As a woman, I'm certainly not unfamiliar with the topic and have had my own share of experiences, although I will honestly admit that I haven't had any big T trauma in that area of my own life so this may not be my place to discuss this. That may also be why I can't quite put my finger on what about the way SJM wrote about SA bothered me. All I know is that something about it rubbed me the wrong way, almost as if it bordered on disrespect. But again, I'm not entirely sure.

In conclusion, my best friend just texted me not five seconds ago: "I think you just have a hard time comprehending that people write fun little fantasy stories simply because maybe they just like writing fun little fantasy stories". And she would be correct. I am too pretentious to truly love and appreciate this series the way it was meant to be. I've always felt the need to look deeper in anything that I enjoy, I've always felt the need to connect personally with each work of art I choose to dedicate my time to. I am first and foremost a Supernatural fan if that tells you anything, and even my love for Twilight grew from a specific, deep personal connection I had the concept and characters. I have just driven myself mad trying to figure out why this book was written, why I as a reader should care, and what exactly fueled SJM with so much passion that she felt the need to write an entire series (which is why I'm suspecting she wrote it as a self indulgent piece; that's the only logical explanation I can come up with, anyway). ACOTAR was not written for me and that is okay. It doesn't help that I tend to avoid fantasy as a genre anyways. Yet, I'm going to keep reading it. Because I still managed to have a good time with the story and characters, and of course, I'm going to thug it out no matter what because I love my best friend. Lastly, one thing SJM did a good job with was, in spite of it all, making me curious enough about what happens next to genuinely want to read the next book.

edit: it’s been a few days and ive gotten further into the second book. sjm really got her act together, that’s for sure. im beginning to understand why people obsess over this series. it’s a shame the first book is such a dumpster fire but im glad the story is redeemed in the rest of series (fingers crossed); the characters and world building had so much potential and im extremely happy to see sjm giving them the writing they deserve in the second book. with this new perspective i also realized that acotar was so genuinely awful that it literally made it impossible for me wrap my head around why she wrote it. thank god she get her shit together so that i can finally see the beauty of the series

[karlachismylife]

For me personally weed helps with my adhd and autism, getting super high at night is nice for me because it makes me feel floaty, like that feeling you get when you've been laying down for a while and your body starts to fall asleep right before you actually fall asleep. It helps with my adhd because for me it slows my thoughts down aka my brain only has the capacity for one thing at a time. But that ALSO means I can go on the most hyperfixated rants when I'm stoned, like hours of one topic that eventually becomes a game of 'what topic did we originally start with?' And I honestly hope that one day you get the chance to try weed, at least once.

WOW really? I actually didn't know it can work like that, damn, I guess I really do have only a very approximate experience. I thought the lack of inhibitions would totally lead to adhd mayhem cuz that's what happens in my head in that exact "floaty" point when falling asleep, I just get non-stop slideshow of thoughts passing too quickly to even grasp them fully. And when I drink I just get bubbly and horny at first, and then fucking depressed second, but as far as I get, alcohol has quite different effect from weed, so yeah. Interesting.

But going on hyperfixated rants under any influence is so fucking relatable. That's the four am kitchen talk to the person you might've just met today. I guess Soap and Gaz would terrorize everyone, they just get stoned and sit on the couch for HOURS just yapping uninterrupted, the world totally non-existent to them.

They will make ouy afterwards though, still.

And yeah, I actually hope too, cuz I'm like. Man that's such an experience. And I know for sure my dad and sis had it and more than once, but I'm kinda. Excluded from the big boys club cuz I'm baby.

Fun fact: I once went on a date with a guy who at first seemed very cool and interesting to me (he worked on a music video for the blues band my dad's been working as sound engineer with, so dad took me to the shoot and I met the guy there, he was like into horror and we had a nice chat), but on the date we realized we had very different political views and also he kinda was a bit more touchy than I'd like, even though I am partially responsible for telling him I was okay with it (I was going through a bad time, no hate to the guy cuz I literally told him, he's still an ass for what he said about anarchism though). BUT he offered to take me home some time and have a smoke with him. And for the rest of the date I was like calculating how much I was ready to risk going further with him in exchange for some weed experience >< we did have an arguement later though about politics, so I was like no. Free weed's not worth potentially getting fucked by this dude.

But sometimes I still think about it. Maybe I should've agreed. Cuz I honestly don't really care whether or not it would lead to sex (which kinda was hanging in the air), but man, I just couldn't imagine talking to him again cuz we disagreed so hard... lol. Sorry for a story time no one asked for, I just got reminded of it by the discussion.

[the1975attheirverybest]

okay :)

concept idea: matty’s girlfriend has adhd (non hyperactivity), and she came home from a shitty day, after someone close to her called her “slow”. and she starts crying and avoiding matty. what do you think he would do about it? as someone who has adhd (non hyperactivity) this has happened to me a lot before…

I’m so so so sorry that this has happened to you. As some of you know, I’m a professor. Meaning I teach students of all backgrounds and accommodations. Absolutely boils my blood when someone intelligent and capable is dismissed cuz of their ADHD. Sending you love and hugs 💗💗 people can be such assholes. Don’t let them dull your sparkle.

I think he would be beyond PISSED that someone had made you cry. Before even knowing what had happened he’d be asking a million questions. Like who are they? What happened? Who does he need to be mad at. You’d brush him off and tell him you don’t wanna talk about it but he would insist like “I’m not just gonna sit here. If it upset you it’s not nothing” when you eventually tell him what’s happened, instead of calling down, he is angrier than ever. “When was this? Like exactly what time?” In his head, he’s imagining laying into the person mercilessly. And you have to remind him that it’s literally illegal to beat people up.

When the blind rage subsides, his heart breaks at how hurt and sad you are and he wishes he could make it so it never happened in the first place. That you never even had to experience something so cruel and totally unacceptable. But he knows this isn’t about how he feels or what he thinks should or shouldn’t happen, so he has to take a few deep breaths, pace around the room to calm down, then, without saying anything, he just comes and sits down next to you, pulling you into a hug. “Fuck that shit, okay?” He kisses you. “Who cares what a dickhead loser thinks about your or your capabilities? You owe nothing to them or anyone else for that matter. You know who you are. How smart and kind and generous you are and how brilliant and shimmering your mind is. If some falling-on-their-ass dimwit can’t see that then that says everything about them and nothing about you? You hear me? This is nothing to do with you? Promise me you believe that? Promise.”

[pretty-handsome-boy]

Good news!!

(hot scenarios listed below if you want to skip to that)

Content Warning// hunger kink (obviously), fasting, food control, cum, owner/pet, master/servant, BDSM, DDLB pet names, exercise, sex.... you get the idea

Boyfriend has decided to participate in my hunger kink!!! YESSSS I'm so excited to potentially have someone to do this with irl, as this will ensure I actually start doing fasts properly again. I'm unbelievably hyped to get really stuck into this, if this works out this account will get much more active next month.

My ADHD means I find it hard to organize around fasting and to remember that I'm fasting when I'm not actively having hunger pangs, but having someone to help me with timing and gently remind me to starve will make up for those shortfalls.

I've mentioned the kink to him in the past, and he didn't seem interested, but I think he's realized how into it I am and since we're already in a sort of master/pet (or owner/slave) relationship, he seemed very eager to explore more avenues to dominate, train and control me. I told him my fantasies and he was quick to come up with ideas to build on them.

Things we discussed:

Tying me up and taunting me with food between getting fucked

Tying me up to starve and then fucking me while he eats

Going out to a restaurant and having him order loads of food and getting me little to nothing

Doing chores and getting rewarded with food

Or maybe just his cum 😅

Depending on how things go, getting a wireless blood glucose monitor which would be connected to his phone so he could track and optimize things (this one's entirely his idea, I might add. He's a tech guy)

Co-ordinated workouts, together or just watching me and wearing me down (though I think he'll feel that's too mean in practice)

Having him work out more to more easily overpower me in a fasted state. I really want this, he used to be much much stronger than me but in recent years we're more evenly matched... in one way or another, him getting involved in this kink will fix that... but if he gets stronger while I get weaker... 😳

Controlling my diet- I already have a strong preference for chocolate because it satiates hunger really well in the short term but leads to intense blood sugar crashes soon afterwards, and loud growls <3

But I think he's leaning towards implementing larger, more nutritious meals for me instead. I'm not actually sure how we'll be doing this, but Daddy's smart and will always come up with a way to get what he wants ☺️

Either way we'll be taking things slow and steady because he's a really, really good dom and wouldn't want me to be hurt. These are all just ideas we were coming up with to try out. We'll likely be doing our first dominated fast sometime this week or mid-December. I'm very excited! 🥰🥰🥰

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

also i have adhd so every time somone interacts I get dopamine related to this fic and that’s definitely helped writing

have a tidbit I just wrote because I’m having a weird brain day so it’s Sad Girl Writing (it’s just a chemical imbalance everything is fine I’m honestly getting a lot done for being what I call a numb brain day)

---

His clock ticks on the wall as the rising sun imprints the shadow of his blinds on the far wall. From bed, Hux can pretend he’s stuck in a world out of time, that seconds falling away are just beats on a metronome, not the passage of his finite life on Earth but just rests in a song he’ll start playing when his part begins. Fingers twitch phantom notes, a combination of concertos he played, when he still had the time. There’s a keyboard sitting in the corner of his room, dust coating the plastic. It never had the right feel, so Hux stopped playing it. Hux took the day off to focus on his school work, gave his shift to Finn, but his alarm goes off anyway, phone ringing in the room. He’s been up for a few hours, laying just like this and staring into the middle distance. It feels like he should get out of bed, feels like he should climb into the shower and start his day, but his limbs are heavy and his mattress magnetic. How easy it would be, Hux knows, to hide under his blankets from the light of the day. He could curl into his sheets and disappear from the world, leave his phone across the room and let hours pass in a haze, only the beating of his heart and the breathing of his lungs to prove he’s even alive. How nice, he thinks, to just stay in place, pretend he is a statue and wonder if he’d be art, or simply decor. Still, he needs to silence his alarm, so he claws his way from the comforter and stands, trudges the few feet to his dresser and unlocks his phone. Since he’s already standing, Hux makes his way to the bathroom, eases the weight in his bladder and splashes water over his face. It’s not a full clean, but it pulls him out of this feeling a little bit, allows him to make his way down the kitchen and pull granola from his cabinets, pouring himself a bowl to eat dry because finding milk is too much effort. Ben bought him this, he knows. It’s an idle thought, something he sits with as he shovels toasted oats and almonds through his lips and chews. Everything tastes like dirt, but Hux knows that’s his mood, and not the food, so he keeps eating, lets himself get lost in the repetitive motion. Idly, Hux wonders how Ben is. Is he yelling at someone? Is he fine? Is the restaurant busy, or is today just a slow and lazy Wednesday morning? Out of the corner of his eye, the light for his answering machine blinks, reminding him that one saved message is in the cordless phone’s small data bank. It’s a relic, something Ben had made fun of his for bothering to have, but Hux is grateful for it, even now, even as it serves only to haunt him. Selfish, Ben had called him. Heartless. Too busy trying to leave the restaurant behind to think about all the things it had done for him. Hux doesn’t want to leave. He’s been dreading his last day, dreading saying goodbye to all his friends. But if his presence is killing Ben that much, Hux will go. In a trance, Hux sets his bowl down, going over to the answering machine and hitting play. The saved message is the only thing left to play, so Ben’s voice fills the room. “I hope your happy,” Ben’s voice slurs, just like it had the first time he’d heard it. There’s a rage in it, one Hux hasn’t heard in months. It feels ironic, for them to be back right where they started. He took the long way around, just to end up standing in the same place, nothing gained and everything lost. “All this fucking time you spent with me, and you couldn’t do one stupid thing for me. Couldn’t meet my fucking parents. I just wanted them to be happy for me, you selfish, heartless asshole. Do you know how hard it is, to see your face every day? How much it hurts to try and act like I don’t fucking know you? Like you’re just a stranger? Fuck, I can’t fucking believe you, you piece of shit, I hope you-“ And the voice mail cuts off, and it’s a moment before Hux realizes he’s crying. Tears run from his eyes to his cheek, dripping onto his thighs as he sits on the floor in front of the answering machine. He has a week left of torturing Ben, of torturing himself, and then they’ll both be free. Hux will be worse for the loss, but it’s a feeling he’s growing used to. So is the heaviness in his heart as his quiet crying turns to violent, wracking sobs.

(I had to cut out a spoiler but it was like a sentence don’t worry)

((I love making hux sad bc I get to use my own internal dialogue it’s a mess up there))

[roboromantic]

i don't mind the mandatory fun but it Is reminding me why I rarely join in with the Euro games

the adhd is just like For The Love of All That Is Holy can you hurry up with your fucking turn. the games already take like 3 hours minimum

not to mention my dad's wife is not familar with them at all and I don't hold that against her, but it Does slow things down even more and I'm internally screaming and running around in circles bc I can't do anythng else

[decimakitty]

One of my earlier memories is of learning that one of my friends, a girl in my preschool class had been killed by a driver who wasn't paying attention while she was crossing the road next to a playground. It was a pretty small school. They canceled classes the next day, and we had our own memorial service for her.

My mom - one of the more cautious drivers I know - once hit a pedestrian on a deserted street, where she'd thought no pedestrians were around, because he full blown sprinted out of an alley and in front of her (he was being chased by cops). (Thank fuck she was going slightly under the speed limit and paying constant attention, because she slammed hard on the brakes, enough the guy only got some bruises and a broken ankle.) Just because no one's around, doesn't mean it'll stay that way! Because apparently sprinting out of alleyways is a thing pedestrians do sometimes!

And if you're anywhere near an area that might have kids, guess what kids do all the time? Like, I had a girl I was babysitting take off for a busy road at a flat sprint once because she was mad I was telling her it was time to go inside; thank fuck I caught her RIGHT as she was hitting pavement (also thank fuck someone saw her coming and slammed on their brakes, coming to a total stop so she wouldn't have gotten hit by them - but traffic on the other side didn't seem to have noticed yet, so I would've only had a few extra feet to catch her. She started hitting, kicking, and biting me, and if I'd had any less of a death grip on her I just know she would've sprinted for the road again after getting free - this was before I started driving, actually, and really influenced the level of caution I now exercise anywhere there MIGHT be kids.) Kids will run into the road chasing a ball or each other all the time, too, and I've seen (and failed to catch) a dog on the side of the highway trying to chase cars (luckily one of the cars actually just stopped and opened their door and the dog jumped in; she said she'd try to find the owner).

Also once had a neighbor take a curve too fast. Rural mountain road, where everyone sped. He shot right off that curve and tumbled down the mountainside until he hit a tree, survived but with serious injuries. He wasn't even going as fast as most habitual speeders I know - about 5, 10mph over the speed limit for the main road, but he didn't slow down for the curve.

I've been involved in a car accident where I was the one stopping suddenly - my dog was trying to chase a car that was passing us and jumped on me. Someone was tailgating me and hit me. I started crating the dog in the car after that, but most people DON'T.

I was in the car as a passenger recently with a guy with ADHD. He was going 20mph over the speed limit, less than a one second following distance. I was griping the Jesus handle and constantly reminding him of the speed limit. He insisted he wasn't that close, and it's ok because he pays a lot of attention to the road. I pointed out that if the dog in the car in front of us jumped on the owner, causing them to swerve and slow down, he physically would not have enough time to brake. I also pointed out that I used to think like him until after my third accident. He slowed down and backed up at least, though I think mostly for my comfort (which is what you Should do if your passenger is uncomfortable with your driving).

My brother, who also has ADHD, when he was learning to drive once turned left into the oncoming traffic lane and then just kind of waffled confusedly when I started shouting at him to pull over NOW. I got him off the road RIGHT before someone took the curve in front of us way too fast! That was PURE luck. On these rural two lane roads - are you driving slow enough to take evasive maneuvers if there's someone ONCOMING IN YOUR LANE? Either because they're a confused student driver, or because they're passing someone inappropriately?

Another of our neighbors decided to whip around a big truck - on one of these two lane roads, at a place with solid doubles so he wasn't supposed to pass - that had stopped right before an intersection, and he didn't slow down when the truck started frantically honking. He T-boned the car that'd been turning left from in front of the truck - the entire reason the truck was stopped AT AN INTERSECTION and he was permanently disabled, while everyone in the car he hit died.

I've had multiple people try to merge into me. I've had one guy who, in a case of road rage which I have no idea what triggered it, decided he was going to speed ahead of me and constantly cut in front of me and slam on his brakes. Luckily I didn't hit him, and he got off the highway eventually.

I was made fun of in college by my friends because I wouldn't let them talk if I was driving, and I refused to speed. I was one of our group's only two designated drivers, so this came up a lot.

One of those friends got pulled over at one point for going 95mph in a 65mph zone, and she was outraged and offended b/c in Utah where she was from, she said the speed limit was 85mph and she felt therefore that 95mph is ALWAYS a reasonable highway speed. She got into a crash a year later.

My mom was an ED nurse tech for years, and I used to work as a nurse on a traumatic brain injury unit. Our main type of patient was car crash victims. Our hospital was a trauma center, and there was a constant drum beat of traumas being called over the PA with an ETA for arrival; almost all were car or motorcycle crashes. Someone hit and killed a motorcyclist LITERALLY in front of the emergency room, while leaving after visiting a patient.

And, guess what? in my state, it's perfectly legal for people without licenses, incl twelve year olds, to drive on non-highways if they're driving a tractor. You can take a car that failed inspection, remove its licenseplate and put one that says FARM USE ONLY on it and guess what, it's a tractor now! And you can drive it into town even though you lost your license for repeat DUIs. Those are the people you share the road with. The fucking twelve year olds driving actual tractors are better drivers. (Also. If you're rural. And you see a tractor or a FARM USE ONLY. Legally the driver can be twelve.)

Also, guess what - after I had a fucking STROKE it was still legal for my to drive. My right arm didn't work, I couldn't see or react to things in my right side. But, legally! I could drive! (I instead took lyft everywhere, and got to see (and reported) sooo much bad driving. Running lights, texting, calling, swerving, tailgating, speeding. And people wouldn't stop even if I called them on it and asked them to.) I only started driving again after really extensive therapy when my symptoms improved and when I was stable on meds to prevent another. But, legally, I didn't have to!

The person you're following could have a stroke while driving. Their dog could jump in their lap. They could have a heart attack, or a new onset seizure. They could be texting while driving. Their muffler could just fall off. Their tires could blow. These are not just hypotheticals; they're things that happen all the fucking time.

Use your turn signals. Come to a full stop. Don't text or call or watch videos. Watch where you're going. Don't drink or get high. And stop fucking tailgating while you're at it.

Why do so many people make tiktoks while they're clearly driving. What the fuck. Stop that shit, you're gonna kill someone.

[momochiiee-reblogs]

Feeling in the dumps today... I'm aware I'm nowhere as good as my classmates programming gameplay, but it's really evident the gap between us and I feel terrible about it... ADHD is fucking me really bad when my scars aren't giving me a terrible time...

It just feels like I'm stuck, watching everyone move forward as I struggle to even walk one step...

Do I make any difference? It surely feels like I'm barely mediocre at what I want to do...

I keep finding obstacles, trying to surpass them only to be reminded that I am very slow with progress... I want to learn, I want to understand what I am doing, why the things work the way they do... and all I see is how my classmates know everything and I'm just dumbfounded as it's the first time I hear of some apparently basic terminology I've never heard of before...

I feel like I'm dragging people down... That I am not enough... what good are ideas if I can't carry them through?

What am I missing? There's some basic knowledge I must have skipped somehow?

I am most probably just stressed about way too many things and only seeing the bad side of everything today... But I feel bad taking so many breaks... I must up my game if I want to enter this sector, I can't be a master of nothing adept of everything. This will not get me an actual job and stability in a world where certificates determine everything

I have two months to make something good with the project I'm working with... I just hope dread doesn't get the best of me... I know I can do stuff, maybe I'm not confident but I did a game before and it wasn't too bad... I just need to push harder I guess...

[happygslfreedomcore]

Guys.. you don't want a yandere bf irl 😭 he's everything I love bc hes a 6ft handsome Russian boy that reminded me of tartaglia and he saved me from kms but a year later in the relationship he used to show up at my school after school so no other ppl talked to me, told me he'd k word anyone that I got too close to, made me block everyone including my gal friends who were my only support, basically isolating me... I didn't wanna stay with him but he made me believe I needed him and that I can't do anything by myself, my body and soul was always rejecting him but my delusions about him from romanticizing our relationship to cope clouded my vision, I don't wanna neglect myself no more... He also had homies and he kept telling me that he was always watching me thru the city cameras... And that people were always watching me... He didn't like that I went to an "opp" school... I'm not affiliated btw but he made that my problem.. there was this emo skater boy that liked me and he found out and he was so mad and scary, he took my phone when he saw that the guy texted me and recorded a video of him trying to claim me... that was embarrassing asf btw.. he didn't let me text anyone actually..... He had access to my accounts too and would judge me on my past conversations with people and put me down, he'd call me stupid dumb and slow, when I'd get offended he'd get all soft and cuddle me... And I have ADHD (diagnosed) and BPD symptoms that make me forget what I'm feeling... He never let me stay away from him for more than 2 days max... So I never had time to process anything

He was always paranoid... Cheated on me hha... Wasted my teenage years bc he didn't wanna break up with me n kept leading me on, and tried to move on while never letting me know, I found out when his sisters told me when I was babysitting them... I thought he loved me bc I rlly fucking loved him, the whole time he was boomin this cokehead whore. I neglected my best friend and family and myself for him...

He made it my problem anytime he felt a person had a crush on me...

Guilt tripped me alot n used my emotions against me, would tell me I'd never see him again if we broke up and implying he'd khs........... argued with me in class/school and the teachers were genuinely concerned.. would mistreat me, I hate that he put me in those situations where I shouldve just been at school and socializing, but he just wants control, broke me mentally... One time we argued over the phone for 5 hours and I just woke up.. after we were done bc I was genuinely tweaking, I called my friend and I realized I actually lost brain cells bc I could barely speak normally and i felt sped. he'd show up to my house and force me to talk to him... I hate him so much... He stole my energy and my passion, sometimes I wish I'd let him die from those drugs... He's always assuming I'm going behind his back n cheating but in reality he's projecting onto me bc he's a whore, unlike me bc I'm pure and clean... I also don't like sex anymore, I feel dirty and unhappy after. mentally I regressed to 13 bc of all the trauma he's caused me... I always wanted someone to save me... There was this girl that liked me and I liked her too but I was scared to leave him and she said she'd save me from him but he manipulated me into blocking her and staying with him... I eventually found god and Jesus and healed enough to function and be able to smile and laugh again, got my passion for art and anime back and went back to my first love tartaglia.. I feel better writing everything down, I'm crying but I'm finally free...

[neverluckygoldfish]

27 -

Life creeps up on you - I’ve slipped back into it and have gotten a little disconnected from my greater She.

Too much worrying about the future & unknowns, caught up in trying to control it. True, there have been a ton of changes in the past few weeks and there are more still to come (hello big cross state move in two weeks!!).

I feel a little numb. Also I’m on welly b and let me tell you that the increase in anxiety is so REAL. I feel on edge and a sense of foreboding. I haven’t slept for more than 4-5 hours a night in weeks. And those hours are spent tossing and turning. I keep waking up in panic mode, having nightmares. But we just adjusted the dosage so hopefully things improve. They have to.

With that being said, I recently hit 60 days of sobriety. I barely even acknowledged it because we were busy flying back and had gotten some really awful news that day. In fact, I’ve felt more of a craving to drink. But I don’t want to start the clock over and that keeps me going.

I feel stressed. And I don’t know how to let it go. It’s just sitting in my chest, heavy and tight.

The hospital slammed me with a $35k bill for 3 days because that’s our healthcare system. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m going to manage that seeing as I’m unemployed and living off of savings. But I’m allowing the fear and stress to enter me and sitting with it. What will it show me?

Part of me feels like I’m going to implode. Like I’m teetering at the edge of a cliff.

I tend to focus on the negative - negativity bias, I think it’s called. I’m always searching for something to fix within myself, my life. And I’ve stopped prioritizing my mental wellness.

Once I get something down, I move on quickly to the next thing. Before I know it, I’m eating skittles for breakfast / not drinking water / feeling tightness in my chest / ignoring meals / pulling out my hair / unable to sleep all over again. I need to give these things time to form habits that will actually stick.

Blame ADHD and the dopamine rush lol

So a gentle reminder for me to pause, slow down, focus on the good because I have so much to be thankful for.

Gratitude list:

My rock, my life partner, my best friend - my husband. Our love is full of understanding, compassion, trust, laughter, kindness, honesty & affection. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Life dreams. We are moving to the PNW in two weeks! It’s really happening. I’ve dreamed of living there (maybe romanticized it a little lol and no, not because of twilight *rolls eyes*) my whole life and now I am doing it!

My body. It’s not as skinny as it was but that is a good thing. I have been waging war against it - filling it with poison, not supplying its essential needs, neglecting it. But it stays true to me and has not let me down health wise even through addiction. I have more energy these days and my thinking isn’t so cloudy.

Therapy. Having access to therapy & finding a good therapist is a privilege.

My mom. We don’t agree and she drives me nuts. But truly, she wants me to be happy and although overbearing at times, she protects me and anchors me.

Friends - I have some really good people in my life. I must not be so terrible as I think I am in my head if so many people love me LOL. But I have friends who have shown me grace and understanding as I try to navigate who I am now.

Recovery. I’ve been sober and am committed to staying sober. What a beautiful blessing and something I used to think was totally impossible.

Good food. Been cooking my own meals with loads of veggies and fruit - let me tell you that quality makes a difference. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to healing, not just taking a pill and calling it good.

Haven’t felt much of a desire to journal. Have spent way too much time trolling social media and it’s slowly having an impact. Pulling me back into the black, the space of self-loathing and hopelessness.

So I am making some changes. Going back to the basics. To be continued I suppose.

[slow-burn-sally]

Oh dear God you reminded me haha.

A couple of months ago, I got carpet beetles. Cute little guys with multi-colored patterns on their backs, but they shed stuff that gives you a horrifying, insanely itchy rash, the details of which I will not burden you with. Let's just say I was desperate to get rid of these beetles, who were crawling around on my bed, shedding tiny razor blades at night while I slept, otherwise, I could have slowed my ADHD ass brain down and thought for a minute before I committed what I've since begun calling the Mintrosity.

I read online that mint and clove essential oils kill carpet beetles. I was so excited. I'm not crazy about either of those smells. Not a huge fan of mint, though it's OK, and clove is nice in small amounts, attached to seasonal things, but I don't really like either smell all that much, which ended up being a shame. I was prepared to do whatever it took to get rid of these beetles though.

I ordered two large bottles of mint and two of clove essential oils, and I put equal amounts of both into a small plastic spray bottle. "Maybe I should water this down?" I said, as I moved toward the kitchen sink, using my brain for a split second.

"Why?" My roommate asked, essentially sealing our fates. "Why bother? I mean you want them gone, right?"

I looked down at my scarred up arms from the beetle rash, hit the final nail square into the coffin and said "Yeah, fuck it. Let's do this."

So I didn't add any water, and proceeded to spray down significant portions of my room (including my drapes), as well as the carpet and areas of the hall outside my room with the undiluted mint and clove spray.

Immediately, we both realized our mistake.

Our eyes watered. Our throats became dry and clove-minty. Every breath felt like we were breathing in nightmare Christmas fumes. It was horrible. My roommate fell into a pretty bad depression and hid in his room for three days (though he texted me that the smell had infiltrated his bedroom, so he was suffering just as much as me).

I threw out my drapes. I sprayed down the hallway with lemon water and vinegar to try to sort of cancel out the smell? It nearly drove me mad. It was awful. It eventually dissipated a few days later, and by a week and a half, you could hardly smell it, but boy have I learned my lesson, just like you, OP.

so i took out the trash today like the good house husband i am not, leaving behind the rank smell of long forgotten noodles and the regrets of two people with memory issues

i, like any good tumblr citizen, remember the tales of the person who put two cups of vanilla extract in their oven so i did the sensible thing to get out two Caps of extract

just then, inspiration struck. a bolt of lightning straight from the muses themselves, if i could use vanilla extract.... who's to say i couldn't use other extracts?

i scoured the cabinets, i knew my partner had secreted away some illicit non-vanilla type extracts for baking, and i found it.

hidden in the back of the cabinet was a lone bottle of mint extract

i emptied my two caps with abandon into an (oven safe) glass dish and gleefully set the oven for 300 for an hour

all that was left now was to wait for the sins of the mind to be purged by the mighty mint leaf

ten minutes in... starting to smell kinda like a thin mint

fifteen minutes in, i take a nice deep breath of lovely scented air and i am greeted by searing burning minty pain

i launch myself towards the kitchen, every step closer to mint hell, every orifice on my face burning with the freezing righteous flame of menthol

im fumbling for the oven mitt to rid my home of this foul demon, i pry the oven open and am hit with a blast unlike anything else

i feel what that vine kid taking shots of mouthwash feels, i was seared raw, my tits were blown clean off, and it was just me and that devilish beguiling minty fresh taste

quickly dumping the rest into the sink i ran towards the door, begging for the sweet sweet smell of un-minted air

learning nothing from this encounter, i dare to try once more, with the tumblr-approved extract this time

wish me luck