#adhd is weird why can't i channel this towards getting work done

[goldenpinof]

Not that this is like, a hot new take or anything, but I can imagine that they both might be going through a bit of a crisis. Like their careers have finally died down but like, what do they do. They haven't done much else but be YouTube personalities (which is more than just YouTube, obv) for like, nearly 15 years. They are probably afraid to venture into new territory, because at this point that will likely mean risking either their brand or their bank accounts (like how Dan had to risk money to do the tour / offer to put up his own money for Dinok). Not that that's a good excuse, but I can understand being afraid and Phil just trying to hang on to his usual content for the both of them (as he also figures out work/life balance). Dan only did DD for the tour and it definitely felt kinda forced. Just doing their old stuff but with their older/out-of-closet selves isn't going to be successful in a way it's safe, for now.

As someone with a lot of the same kind of mental health struggles Dan has, I imagine he might be beyond burnt out and doesn't really want the attention anymore because of the work it requires. And even though it's like, okay it's been months since the tour okay what's next... idk what we'll really get out of him for a while (maybe a few years even?) besides random contract work like the channel 4 thing. Like, projection time, but I just got through grad school with extreme ADHD/executive dysfunction/procrastination etc, and was so burnt out by the end idk how I did it. And I'm like, oh well it's been about 6 months I should probably have a job in my field by now (which I'm probably insane for thinking that anyways because the job market is in so wild). But like, I've been kinda burnt out since 2016 (when I was 16 and a junior in high school, at the end of my og dnp phase) and all I can muster the mental energy to do now is the same part-time / retail work I've been doing the past few years. Which like, I'm barely getting by and I do ultimately feel disappointed that I'm not trying harder to put my fancy new degree to work because I'm barely applying for anything. But I just can't get myself together enough to do that right now. I imagine Dan might be going through something similar, like, he could be doing something creative but he probably is just tired and wants to just live life without any expectations and go on vacations and rely on Phil to be the content creator. He's probably aware that it's not ideal. But he also seems done with compromising any creative vision either because he doesn't want to do sponsorships or anything that isn't a deeply personal piece of art. And he probably doesn't have many deep ideas now that WAD is done and Dinok is stalled and there isn't much he seems to want to do commentary on (because if he just sucked it up he would actually be a pretty good commentary YouTuber lol).

I think they also have a lot more stuff to work through mental health wise too before they are ever really able to not be cryptic about their relationship, since when ex-phannies or random people who remember them see their tiktoks or whatever it's what they all ask about. Like to some degree I don't know if they ever wanted to be out and famous but it got to the point where they couldn't keep denying it either. I'm so glad they came out because it's clearly so much healthier, but beyond the trauma of being closeted that they had to overcome they probably now have trauma from years and years of people being weird towards them about their relationship and it's like... now they have get through that in order to take the next step. do they really want to go through all that just to help open themselves up to a new era of content? Idk.

(this turned out to be wayyy longer than I anticipated woops. can't even remember if some of this was in response to what was on your blog or some of the other similar conversations I've seen about this today but yeah).

i'm almost crying. i hate us so much. this is exactly why the phandom needs meet ups irl or "bubbles" where we could have conversations. because trying to answer THAT without forgetting something is hard, and also i can't imagine how hard it is to write these mini-essays and get bullshit in response.

i appreciate it a lot. and i basically agree with your message. i see how it can be true. and i know that in case of burnout, Dan can let himself step back. the problem i have with him disappearing and coming back after 2018 is that he thinks that the audience will wait for him and accept everything he puts out with the same passion, participation, and amount of money as when he and Phil were making content without long pauses. but book sales, merch sales, tour ticket sales, views and god knows what else that we can't see show that we aren't willing to wait. and it started in 2019 i guess, so you would think that by 2022 Dan would understand what went wrong and just book smaller venues (or make a smaller stage for it to not be a problem). i'm using wad just as an example. you said Dan could not want attention anymore. but he repeatedly says that he loves attention. and it's not only words, you can see it irl. ofc after tours there is a period of time to rest. but before that, there was a clusterfuck of something that was barely content while the merch releases were consistent. either because it was pre-made or because Dan was still living in a rose-colored world thinking that we would buy stuff without content. i'm not sure what i'm arguing here anymore riuehdfsidxkl apologies, i guess it's related to Dan wanting to fuck off. and he CAN. i don't care, 2019 taught me a lesson. (doesn't mean i can't bitch about it <3)

anyway. i understand your struggles with work and degree. basically, i was in the same position after graduating, and now it's even more difficult but i get it. choosing to work part-time, in retail and similar "easy" jobs because you can't deal with the weight of expectations that come with a degree, that's... yeah. an adult reality that no one told us about. i wish you the best, and i hope everything works out well. whatever you decide to do, remember you don't have to use your degree if you don't want to or just don't feel like you can at this moment. you know, getting a fancy "serious" job is such a commitment, bruhh. and you can always walk out of retail :)

Dan would be a brilliant commentary youtuber, you're right! he just knows how to talk and make people listen.

their brand is already fucked, nothing to save here. i mean, Dan and Phil brand doesn't exist. Dan's youtube brand is all over the place. AmazingPhil is the only consistent thing. and yes, it feels like Phil is terrified of shifting in any direction. we're stuck with 2016 content, it's like a real-life time machine on youtube. and if it works for him, fine. i'm just sad that there is no "trying new things" anymore and that he can't even get old successful things back.

i'm not commenting on their relationship because it would be too long. fuck tiktok though. i think dnp jumped to this "new popular" platform with no actual regular content to present as a distraction and that bit them in the ass.

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

Personal Intro

Oh you're curious about me, eh? I guess there'd be a lot to say, so I'll try and keep it short (lol watch me fail)

(he is my spirit animal fr fr)

💁‍♀️ About me 🙋‍♀️

I'm a 40+ yo trilingual writer hailing from the Kingdom of Belgium, who discovered back in '23 that she's actually autistic. As mentioned in my Writeblr Intro, I am obsessed with psychology and emotions and my stories will always revolve around character lives and, sometimes, deaths. I'm also obsessed with Death. There are necromancers. Vampires. Ponderings on the meaning of life. Y'know. All that deep thought shit that my brain craves and that I therefore put down onto virtual paper because I must.

I'm also way friendlier than my stories/posts may make you think, I do like to talk with people, I do like Asks and questions and tag games (though sometimes I may be too tired/forget them - the side of my autism that is ADHD), and there's absolutely nothing you can't throw my way as long as it's respectfully done.

🤏 About my health 🏳️

As stated in my Writeblr Intro, I'm chronically exhausted. Executive dysfunction is a daily struggle, as is getting up, getting my head straight, trying to push past the mental paralysis… I used to work in retail (not all as bad as you'd think), but when my health took a nosedive in 2016 and I stopped working, I never fully recovered. Add in 2019 an attempt to work again that ended with my first fullblown melt/shutdowns and stress levels so high that the slightest effort got my heartrate dangerously high and my body breaking apart. I've been in autistic burnout since. This is in part why I struggle so much with socials despite genuinely wanting to connect with people.

Learning about the autism in '23 helped a lot with my mental wellbeing, not so much with my physical welfare. Understanding you're in a near-constant state of pain that is inexplainable to most people because it's not pain as they understand it was a huge relief. It's not me, you know? It's my brain. We are not the same entity, despite sharing a body. Or so it feels essentially all the damn time.

✍️ About my characters 💅

Weird that I mention them here? Thing is, they are an integral part of my personality. They are me, and I am them, in the way that a chunk of them came to exist in my mid-twenties as I built my fractured personality from the ground up, and that they have wants and wills of their own. I don't choose their lives: they choose. For better and worse. And if this sounds a little schizo, eh, well… Aside from Dwyn, I am in control of all of them (he grinned in my head, this is how not in control I am of him). They are parts of me. And channeling their lives and wills helps me to cope with my life, sometimes. I draw a lot of strength from them, and from a few in particular (the triptych Devon - Dwyn - Sokyte (the last one resurrected in '24 why did I ever kill him off why just why my cinnamon roll ._.)).

I'm also detached from them in the sense that they are me, but they are them, and I'll be first to roast them for their stupidity or weirdnesses or, sometimes, alas, iffy behaviour. You don't hurt me by mocking them. But I'm attached to them as with friends, so if they get upset, I'll be first in line to defend them.

🙏 Current goals 🧠

There was a time I really wanted to become a known author and try to make money off my skill. This definitely contributed to my burning myself out years ago, and it has taken all this time to get back to a semblance of regular ability. I still struggle. But I'm also growing older and becoming afraid that I will never finish anything worth sharing. I suppose I'll have to accept I will leave an incomplete legacy one day. It'll still be better than leaving no legacy at all.

So in 2025 I'm gearing myself towards building up the first real Tales from Aeyuu book (in a planned series) called Roads to Malmern that I'll self-publish/sell through Ko-fi. I haven't decided yet. The first step is to get the book done. Currently it is put together and has been alpha-read by my awesome writing buddy @cicidarkarts. The next step is for me to dive back in with all of her insights and feedback and mould the story into a narrative that is clear for the reader. I aim to start in May. And pray I'll be able to focus my brain on it, since I've been so distracted by the DnD AU.

Speaking of that AU though: it has created connections that have rekindled my hope I may one day write the one story I've been meaning to write since 2011: The Age of Silence. So it hasn't been purely distracting. It's brought some fresh new ideas as well that have made me rethink (yet again) what I want for that story. The combo Dwyn/Sokyte has been my fave discovery so far.

My current goals will always fluctuate, but I am determined to create some long-term goals for myself to gravitate towards. Roads to Malmern and The Age of Silence are those two main goals for 2025.

👇 Shameless plug ☝️

Because it's my blog and I'll do so if I want to lol:

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I share my monthly writings through both in a bundle at the start of the month. Memberships also invite you automatically to a closed Discord server where you can discuss writing and life and basically exist in a safe and supportive environment (and yes you may ask me for the link without membership, but I only invite people I vibe with well).

And on Ko-Fi I offer feedback comms. I genuinely LOVE to help and my pattern brain as well as 20+ years of writing and improving my craft have allowed me to grow proficient in narrative flow and what just works and doesn't. And if all you want is to get some eyes on your work and to get praise on all you did well, there's a comm for that too. I'm honest with my praise.

Thanks for stopping by and don't hesitate to prod me for anything. I really do like to chat. I just suck at reaching out to people because exhaustion.