#adelaideheadcanons

[rxscss]

♛ EXTRA! by princess adelaide windsor

following in the footsteps of her father, prince james windsor, who recently released his tell-all book ‘SPARE’, three years after the family stepped down from their royal titles, the youngest princess is now telling her side of the story. although now a new york times best seller, the book is being criticized for it’s elaborate fabrications, out of place stories and general nature of entitlement. under the cut are some quotes from the book.

“gran-gran, who you may know as the queen (r.i.p girlie pop) had a corgi fetish, like, it was actually absurd. and anytime i slept at her house, those little wiener looking freakazoids would climb into my bed chambers and hump mr. giggleman mcgee, the stuffed sloth that i’ve had since i was a baby, gifted to me by my lovely godparents david and victoria...beckham, you’ve heard of them, right? anyway, one night, corgi #5 literally wouldn’t stop so i picked it up, carried it outside buckingham palace and let it go into the streets of london to fend for it’s weird, horny self. i helped make the missing puppy posters that the guards hung all over london, but i knew the truth. and i knew that no one fucked with mr. giggleman mcgee.” -  chapter 4 ‘the corgis from hell vs. me and mr. giggleman mcgee - i always win.’

“i was devastated. i felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. it was like, totally worse than if they were to ever discontinue the shade jungle red at nars - they gave me an audi instead of a bugatti, when my dear cousin, little miss perfect charlotte, had gotten a bugatti for her sweet sixteen the year before. i knew right then and there that they hated me. so that’s why i drove it into the river thames - not because i was drunk, but because the car was super duper ugly." - adelaide windsor, chapter 6 ‘the not so sweet sixteen’

“it was a friday night at cirque le soir and i totally won’t blow up his spot and say names...so let’s just tall him gugh hrant, was quite literally looking at me like a panther looks at it’s prey. and i was just like obsessed much? so after i did some bumps off of the fingernail of a famous british model with fabulous eyebrows that was like bffs with karl lagerfeld, i won’t name names agian, so let’s call her dara celevigne, i followed him outside when he stepped out to smoke and let’s just say, this man had totally seen better days. it was a really pathetic time, he prob forgot to take his viagra, so i like closed my eyes and just pretended he was his character in notting hill. not everyone can say that they lost their v-card to gugh hrant outside of a pub in london, right?’  .  - adelaide windsor, chapter 9 ‘v-card, swiped!’

“they were the most selfish little twits i’ve ever met in my life. who the hell has a twenty second anniversary vow renewal? apparently they do. as if their wedding wasn’t gaudy enough - not that i was there, but aunty cate certainly didn’t look as pretty as my mom did on her wedding day, her frown lines were already out in full force. i was like way too old to be a flower girl, but they insisted on making me one and they put me in this bridgerton looking bullshit that i literally couldn’t breathe in. like you know when you and your friends get held hostage on the coast of morocco on a pirate ship and they like, put a bag over your head and scream at you to give them all your money? that’s totally what this dress felt like. and the worst part? i had just gotten back from my tour of the arctic, so my nips were still completely frostbitten, but aunty cate and uncle willy didn’t care, they wouldn’t even reschedule and forced me to wear that dress that my nips were poking out of the entire time!” - adelaide windsor, chapter 11 ‘as cold as ice’

“after gran died i was like, extra sad-ish i guess. but i got to inherit so much of her fabulous jewelry because i was obviously her favorite. charlotte always thought she was the favorite but charlotte has also always been a dumb twit. after the funeral i was wearing one of the necklaces she gave me and charlotte was just like, totally jealous, so she attacked me and tried to rip the necklace off my neck! of course, she spun it and made it seem like i was fighting with her because she had been spotted on a date with the prince of greece who i literally dated when i was fifteen...like, sloppy seconds much? but that little bitch has always been jealous of me and always made me look like the crazy one. and that was the last day i ever spoke to her. she stuffs her bra, btw. pathetic, right? like, just get a boob job, you loser.” - adelaide windsor, chapter 14 'cousins by blood, enemies by choice’

'when my parents told me and my brothers that we were leaving and relinquishing our royal titles, i was fuming. i mean, nobody in the family pulls off a crown the way i do, so i got a little desperate. if i couldn’t be the princess of the uk, i was totally going to be the princess of something. so i started like, banging a bunch of royal dudes - saudi arabia, denmark, spain,japan, belgium, denmark again because he had a hotter older brother that just got divorced, i mean, you name it. i totally became the united nations of royal men. but then i realized, i don’t need a title to be royal, i’m literally the most perfect human ever. so i made the move, titles left behind, and i’ve made a name for myself here. sure, i’ve only been in a few t.v shows, but world domination is totally on the way. wait, you guys saw euphoria right? how good did my tits look in it? see! there was no lasting damage left behind from the frostbite incident!’   - adelaide windsor, chapter 18 'america and the beautiful....it’s me, i’m the beautiful.’