#actually wasn't that intense at all they numbed me up and i felt nothing i think the recovery is going to be the most strenuous part

[nsewell]

i lived bitch

[inkskinned]

so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.

first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.

it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.

and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.

you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.

and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.

your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.

in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.

in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.

so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.

you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.

once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.

and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"

you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?

hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!

you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.

we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?

[thekiltongrammarwriter]

The Case of The Heart's Whisper 18+

Pairing: Pippa Fitz Amobi x Fem Reader

Summary: You didn't realize having a relationship with Andie Bell would lead you to become Pippa Fitz Amobi's main resource in Andie Bell's complex life. You also didn't expect to fall for the detective, especially since you're still hanging on the girl who broke your heart.

words:6k

Authors Note: I wrote this piece quite a while ago after reading halfway through the first book, for that matter this story includes many inconsistencies and does not follow booklore in terms of storyline or even timelines. What if reader helps pip with the case and ends up falling in love with Pip? but a bit Andie-coded because I just love her. This was just meant as a fun writer's challenge and is meant to be entertaining. Please also keep in mind this was written before I finished the first book.

Warnings: Past Andie x fem reader, angst, fluff, possessive pip if you squint. Mentions of child abuse, toxic parenting, Andie bell haunting everyone from the grave. Dark pip having the ability to bring me to my knees. This story is not suppose to make sense. That’s about it. Steamy but actual smut is not written. Not proof read. Reader is on her last year in school. Being held back a year for therapy. Cussing.

"What was your relationship with Andie Bell?". You gulped, feeling tears start to brim at just the name. Her name. Images of soft blue eyes and Andie's infamous smirk replayed in your mind like a broken record. Bringing back memories you had flushed away, locked away tight.

Under the watchful glare of Pippa Fitz Amobi, you felt your tongue dry against the roof of your mouth. Her words replaying in your mind, 'what was your relationship with Andie Bell?'

It wasn't that easy. You wish you could have gotten up from your seat in the canteen, where pip laid out her voice recorder, her strong willful blue eyes seeming to crawl over your skin, but not in a predatory manner, you couldn't help but notice the way she was staring at you. It made your stomach flip, your eyes burn, it felt all too familiar, the way her eyes were focused on you. With such intensity.

Just like her.

It had been forever since someone had eyed you like that. Five whole years to be exact.

A deep guttural sound boomed you away from your thoughts and your eyes moved to the boy who sat across from you, Ravi singh. His eyes were on you as well, except you couldn't help but feel like he was judging you. Sitting down with his arms crossed and his dark eyes looking into your soul, how were you suppose to tell him that Andie had been interested in you. That she had personally took you aside after you had stumbled upon Sal and Andie in the canteen, Andie with her usual puppy dog eyes directed at Sal. It had hurt, like a sucker punch to the gut.

All the things Andie had said to you during your studying lesson. It all had been lies. Of course you did nothing, only turned back on your heel, book bag in hand. You heard rushed footsteps next and then Andie was behind you. Her force strong and impatient, "y/n wait!! I didn't mean for you to see that". You had halted, burning red eyes and betrayal filling your veins. You turned on the girl, yanking your hand from under her touch.

"My friends were right about you Andie bell. You're nothing but a cruel mean person who will use anyone for your gain! I should have known the minute you came to talk to me that you had no intention of being my friend! Or whatever the hell you were playing at. Do yourself a favor, get  another French tutor. I'm done."

Cue to the next day, when you were making your usual walk to Kilton grammar l, beanie in hand as the chilly English weather had been harsh at that day, numbing your fingers to the bone. Your father never was one for making sure you were comfortable and safe, his job stopped the day you were born. Despite  your rough upbringing you were usually rather optimistic, everyone always said you were a female version of Sal signh. Not exactly what you wanted to hear, but maybe that was why Andie gravitated torward you. You shook your head, Andie Bell was out of your life. And like life, you watched as a silver SUV parked along side you, Andie bell in the front seat, brows furrowed.

"Get in the car you'll freeze to death" she spoke. You only continued walking, defiant. "I prefer the cold air, it makes my immune system stronger".

You didn't expect Andie to park the car, getting out with a grumble and practically tackling you. If you closed your eyes just enough you could still feel Andie's soft fingers ghosting over your cheeks bones, hot breathe against your ear. "I apologize for what I did. It's just...Sal is my best friend. And perhaps I should have broke it off with him, but it's hard. And then you came into the canteen and I panicked, I'm not use to panicking. I-" Andie's blue eyes had remained still, blush on her cheeks. "I like you y/n. Like a lot. It wasn't suppose to happen at first I really did need help with my French, but then I started noticing things about you. Like how you're always so sweet to others, how you mumble when you're nervous. Or how no matter how much your dad makes you unhappy, you always seem to be shining. Why is that? Is there some sort of secret?".

You remember feeling like you were in the twilight zone. Andie bell was a popular girl, a popular girl with a cruel heart, one who enjoyed hurting others. And yet here she was, helping you up and dusting your trousers. Her eyes warm and soft. Why she liked you, you didn't know. But you wanted to know why.

Needless to say how were you suppose to sit and say that Andie bell had liked you, not to Ravi Singh , that would just make him hate you more. And perhaps you felt guilty. Because his brother had died for Andie bell. And she had been playing games with you.

A soft brush of fingers against your hand made you turn back to the girl, in an act of utter coincidence or an act of kindness, you weren't sure which she spoke, this time to Ravi.

"Ravi would you mind leaving us two girls together? I believe y/n would feel more comfortable giving me her account without others listening in".

At this you watched as Ravi immediately stood up, eying you with strange eyes, before walking out of the canteen, the door's hinges making an utter awful squeaking noise that reminded you of the deer your father use to shoot.

"Andie wasn't like the others".  You didn't recognize your voice as you spoke. It was brittle, far away sounding, pain infused. You watched as Pippa remained speechless, eying you with her soft grey eyes.

"The others?" Her brows furrowed, "other students you mean?".

You nodded, a tear flying past your cheeks and onto your bottom lip, tasting the familiar salt on your tongue. You watched as pip followed the motion, eyes drifting down your lips.

"At first when she came round to me, I thought it was some cruel joke she was trying to play. I had heard about what she'd done to Nat De Silva. People talked. But....when she came round to my desk after French class and asked if I could tutor her I was lost for words". Pippa watched as a smirk filled your lips. 

"Andie bell was kind to me. I don't know why....perhaps she saw something in me others didn't bother to see. And-and perhaps if we had gotten to be around each other more we could have been something. But she's gone now. And no one can bring her back".

"I will"

The words made your eyes find pip's. And you watched as the girl without thought reached over the table, taking your trembling fingers into her own, holding them against her own flushed fingers. Almost like she knew.

"I can't promise you Andie....I cannot simply wave my fingers and make her appear. Although I wish I could....but I can offer you peace. Justice. I can offer you a finalized solid answer to what truly happened to her. I've heard what others said about you and her. You were special to her too y/n".

At that all composure left you. Your body began to tremble and you let the soft sobs rock your body, the all to consuming feeling of grief taking over.

In an instance pip was beside you, bringing you to her chest and holding tightly. So tight you could feel the girls heartbeat, which was rapid and going a mile a minute. Battering against her rib cage.

You clung to her, after all these fives years you had wanted someone to hold you like this, to brush the tears away and say that it gets better. That time can heal wounds, but of course stuck with your father who had no notion of feelings or emotions that was not what you had learned to expect. Instead you tucked it away.

But pippa was kind. She had a sense of ease that seemed to calm your racing heart. And lull you into a sense of comfort. And perhaps, if you were being honest, she had that same energy to her. It was like having a piece of Andie with you, however small it was. Because as much as Pippa reminded you of Andie, she was almost completely 100% different. Where Andie was rough around the edges, pipa was solid, keen on the way she thought, logical. Where Andie was sporadic and lacking sympathy, pip made up for it with her soft eyes and just heart.

In the weeks that followed you found your eyes finding Pip's when you would greet her in the hall of Kilton grammar, her eyes seeming to find yours in a crowd. She was always the first to greet you, smile that pipa smile. What you were not aware of was the fact that pip had been ogling you during lunch apparently.

"What's up with Pippa Fitz Amobi always staring at you?" You blanched. Eyes wide as you eyed your best friend Seth from across the lunch table, your fresh salad you had nicked from the canteen bar forgotten.

"What do you mean? I helped her out with her end of term project a few weeks ago. She's probably just grateful or something. Not many people gave her grace over the topic" you growled out.

Seth, who was not very bright in social cues only began talking yet again. "No I mean, she's always staring at you now. She was in geography and just now when you sat down. I think she fancies you".

You had to chuckle at that, your laughter filling the lunchroom, your cheeks flushed and eyes wide, you immediately shoved Seth, "that is the most stupid comment I have ever heard!! Pippa fitz Amobi having a crush on me! Me Seth! I'm nobody. Seriously what a notion. She's probably got a few more questions to ask me."

"Well I better prepare because she's coming this way".

Your smile vanished, your eyes wide. "What!"

And like clockwork pipa was in front of your table, blue eyes scanning you. "Sorry to interrupt your lunch hour y/n, but would you mind if I asked you to have dinner with my family and I after school? I know it's sudden. I was going to ask Ravi, but I figured I hadn't properly thanked you for answering my questions"

Seth smiled from the brim of his thermos, making your nerves ramp up even more, but you stayed calm, moving your eyes to Pippa's. A small smile formed on your lips as you took in her face, all furrowed lines and nervous fingers behind her back. You half expected her to serenade you with random facts, a sign she was nervous.

"I really would love to pip" you began, and you watched as Pippa's smile began to grow, her blue eyes alight with something you couldn't understand yet.

"That's wonderful!! My mum is making shepards pie, are you alright with that? I wouldn't want to make something that doesn't sit well with your stomach". Pippa’s nervous rambling was cute to an extent, and you only chuckled.

"I haven't had a decent shepards pie in quite  while, my father isn't a real good cook." You explained, and pipa nodded, before reaching out and taking your hand in hers, your reflex was to pull your hand away, but Pippa's touch was firm, almost gentle as she softly moved your sweater from your Palms, "it's alright, I'll be gentle, no need for a scare" she spoke, directly to you, blue eyes soft as she produced a pen from her Kilton uniform, writing her home address on the back of your palm, the nib of the pen feeling cold against your warm skin.

Seth only remained the smiling idiot he was, wagging his furrowed brows as if to say, 'is that evidence enough?' You only sent him daggers.

Turning back to pip who was on the last letter of her street name, you eyed the canteen, finding little to no teens were sat paid attention to you two. You made a small noise with your throat, watching as pip's eyes flew to yours, a sea of light blue, whispering softly you spoke.

"How's your EPQ going? Have you made any progress? About Andie?" Maybe it was the way her name fell of your lips, or how desperate for answers you were. Pippa's eyes widened, and she spoke fast, "I can't speak of it here. That's partly why I invited you round to my house. I have some more questions. But these need to be answered privately."

Privately?

Pippa must have sensed your apprehension, because she was soon smiling, "nothing to be scared about y/n. If anything your answers have changed my mind about Andie. To an extent. And it will just be us tonight, Ravi is working. I noticed how you clammed up with him last time".

"I didn't clam up, it's just odd having Sal singh's brother eying me like I have some secret I'm hiding from him." You shot back, your confidence seeming to find its way out. You couldn't help but feel that raw feeling weld up in your chest, your teeth gritted out. You felt a flush take over your face as you apologized, your words escaping you. Gosh, here pip was going out of her way to invite you to a dinner, a family dinner that is, where you were probably intruding on, and you had snapped at her.

Pippa only eyed you, eyes flashing over your flared nostrils and wide set eyes,you watched as her eyes remained transfixed to your features, her blue grey eyes darkening just enough as she eyed your flushed cheeks. You would have found that odd, if it were not for your rambling, rapid apologies falling of your lips.  Pip only halted your words, leaning in so close you could smell her perfume, strawberry and raspberry. Your heart raced out of its chest at the way Pip moved to lean over you, her eyes taking in your eyes and your flushed racing chest, the smile that reached her lips was so saccharine that it made your stomach erupt in butterflies. Pip spoke softly against your ear, like it was some sort of secret to be hid from others.  Her words were soft, velvety against her tongue, "I like when you use your voice" she spoke, "it's cute. You look almost like a little puppy, puffing out its chest and barring its teeth. Such a sweet little creature"

From the way Pip smiled victoriously over the way your eyes followed her, almost trance like, you could practically feel Seth's eyes burning holes into you, probably resisting the urge to yell "she's obviously flirting with you!".  Once your brain was cognizant enough to realize that pip had said you reminded her of a dog, a puppy at that. A puppy, the lowest of the forms of dogs. Why didn't she just say you were akin to a baby playing in the sand box? It would have irked you, if we're not for the way that pip stayed eyeing you, a shine in her grey eyes, almost like she was getting some sort of high from teasing you. It made your cheeks flush and your eyes move down to her lips, which were plastered in that smile, the one that twisted your insides in the best way.

You felt your confidence come back to you in tiny spurts, your eyebrows raising, tongue coming to peek out over eager lips, "Who knows Amobi?" You spoke, twisting your lips into a even sweeter smile, your voice taking on a different tone, "I may be a wolf in sheep's clothing, easy on the eyes, soft, sweet, so sweet that you would be blinded by what I could do".

At that you watched as pip's eyes glazed over, her usual pale complexion pink in color. "Is that so?" She began.  "Well I'll just have to see about that. Half past six tonight, don't be late" she spoke, winking at you and walking off. As she walked off, You felt a sudden pang in your chest at your realization. You liked Pippa Fitz Amobi. You had ever since she had held you that day a few weeks ago.  But you never acknowledged it, it felt to odd. Too shameful.  You hadn't had a crush on anyone since Andie, you had stuck to your small group of friends and avoided going out, mostly you stayed in your room, far away from prying eyes and your father, who was too into himself to notice your tear stained cheeks on days you would allow your mind to drift back to Andie.

It almost felt like you betraying her, being here flirting with pip, almost like you had forgotten her for a split moment. Like your pain and anguish had been wiped clean and put back together by the girl in front of you.

Pippa watched you as she sat back with Cara, the way your eyes were downcast, and she felt a pang in her heart, you were still grieving, that part was evident. But if she could just get to know you, the real you she was sure she would be able to help ease the burden. After all Andie and you had been close, close enough that even witnesses and Andie's own friends had stated that Andie had been drawn to you. Like a moth to a flame.

At first pip had found that odd, a girl of Andie's caliber being drawn to you, but as she observed you throughout the weeks she found out two things. first, you we're different than all the other students that roamed these halls of Kilton grammar. You were kind to a fault, the sort of kind that made people smile, and their days brighter. You were a ray of sunshine on a cold dreary day. No wonder Andie had been drawn to you, after all she had been through with her dad, her family life, you had been a breathe of fresh air. A oasis away from the troubles of life. But you were also a mystery, one she couldn't wait to sink her teeth into, to know every little secret you ever had.

"Shall I send off the wedding invitations?" Cara spoke, making pip roll her eyes but steal some of the girls custard, which remained untouched on the girls plate.

"It seems Pip's EPQ is not the only thing she wants to study" seth spoke, and you only rubbed your cheeks in your hands, "oh god! She probably thinks I'm a nutter Seth” you gritted out.

Seth laughed, "after that performance?? Are you kidding me!! If I was a girl I would have fallen for you! I mean, you basically challenged her back. Pip seems like she needs that."

**********

Kilton weather was often dreary, which was why you were partly glad that you had managed to bring your jumper, the air was cold and seemed to nip at your bones. You had snuck away while your father had gone down for bed, his tell tale signs of liquor cans littering the floor and the loud snores indicating he was out for the night.

Not that he minded if you went out, he usually didn't have any notions of where you were, it was a miracle you weren't one of those teenagers who abused that power. You knew many teens who would go wild with the freedom your father gave you. But with freedom came many things, the mood swings, the often vile words that would fall of your fathers lips when he drank too much. You knew he loved you, it was apparent he did, but he never had the courage to say it, never once. You chalked it up the fact that he had never had that himself, your grandparents were the typical Victorian English parents, their idea of affection was a Pat on the back and a job well done.

Drastically different than your mother. Even after years of her being gone you still felt the ache that her face brought. Etched into your memory like a painting that would never waver. Or fade. You hoped. Your mother had been your world, she had been there to pick you up and dust you of, but like everything in life she had withered and vanished. It was a car accident that took her. The icy roads of Kilton still haunted you. So you were on your own. Till Andie of course. Then you felt less alone, less inclined to be alone. Andie wasn't all smiles, she was a girl trapped in a toxic house, where her father would eye her looks, make her feel little than she was. You had understood that to a sense, and would sit and listen as she would talk endlessly about her father.

The Amobi's household was quiet, the house sitting on the edge of town, with a quiet garden in the front that you knew Pippa’s mother had loved to garden in. It didn't surprise you that right as you made it to the door, it opened. Pippa standing in the threshold, a dinner dress on and hair pinned slightly to the side, enough that you couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked. 

Vastly different from her regular Kilton uniform,  although the high knee socks did wonders for her appearance.

You couldn't help but notice how formal she looked, meanwhile you were less than formal.

A blush overcame your features, eying your now less than formal dinner attire. "I didn't realize it was fancy dress" you stated, "that dress looks beautiful on you pip. Even I couldn't make it as radiant as you".

Pippa had smiled, her cheeks crimson. "Oh this? I figured you would like to see me in something more than my Kilton uniform. Please, come in. You'll catch your death out here.".

Immediately you were bombared with checkered paws and a snout that began to lick at your face, all rough tongue and eager sniffs. you giggled, moving to draw your hand through the dogs soft fur. "This must be Barney. I've been told we share a couple attributes" you laughed, and the dog only began to bark at you playfully. The moment was ruined quick enough when pip gently moved Barney, "she's not here to see you Barney".

Pip's mother, Mrs Amobi had been almost overjoyed to see you. She had reached out and had hugged you so hard your bones had nearly popped off. She had knew your mother for years and had even stated you looked just like her. It was a comfort to know.

Mr Amobi had been just as nice, smiling and telling you how lovely you looked, you were thankful that a father had noticed. Josh was next, he had quickly said hello to you and asked if you were Pippa's new friend, to which you had eyed pipa and playfully remarked that was up to her. 

Dinner was pleasant. You couldn't remember sitting down to a dinner like this, where the food was made with love and care, where jokes were passed around and by the end you were filled with laughter and a full stomach. You tried not to notice pippa's eyes which were on you for almost half the dinner. It would have seem of putting to anyone else, but you noticed the way Pip's eyes would watch you as your brought trifle to your mouth, grey eyes zeroed in on the ice cream that stuck to your lips. Or the way she would make a joke, eyes seeming to smile wide when you would laugh just a little harder.  While you had gotten up to help Mrs Amobi with the dishes, feeling like a horrid house guest when she had just smiled and told you to sit your pretty self down. You had been hesitant to, but it was only then that pip crossed the room, moving to whisper something in your ear. Goosebumps arose on your forearms and you only watched as she took your hand in her own, fingers slotting against your own.

"Before you leave I was wondering if you wanted to take a look at my EPQ? It's just- I found some things you might be interested in".

You had agreed, feeling your stomach coil pleasanty as pip's fingers wrapped around your own, her grip soft yet firm, fingers caressing your skin. It made your head dizzy with want, the type that would fill your head and cause you to do stupid, stupid things. Luckily as soon as you passed into the threshold of Pips door your eyes caught sight of the board adorning the girls room. And as quickly as the soft syrupy feeling in your stomach had come it was gone. Vanished just of the sight of the crime board,

you were met with the board, Pippa's writing strewn about and evidence upon evidence filling the space. It shouldn't have made you so emotional, but you couldn't help but bring your hands to your lips. After five years pipa had managed to collect more than enough evidence, something the Kilton police hadn't the courage to do.

"You-you did all this?" You spoke, eyes turning to pipa in amazement.

She humbly nodded, "well Ravi helped me. But I did most of the work. I just felt as if I should show you" pip spoke, moving closer to you, enough that her pinky bumped over yours, the soft feeling of skin against your own making your cheeks flushed.

You eyed the board, taking in the utter dedication that had gone into it, but it was what was written on the board that made your heart stop. Not from surprise, or even grief. But anger. Anger that had grown in your chest for years now.

'Andie's secret older guy?' Written in Pipa's messy yet beautiful handwriting stared back at you. You could feel the way your heart had stilled, the world was quiet. Nothing but the board and pipa by your side.

You knew Andie well enough to know that you were just a pawn in her game. Even if she had told you she was fond of you, made you feel special, made you feel like you were important, said she saw you differently than others, she still had used you.  You were never as important as she said you were. Because it was evident from the board that she hadn't been as enthralled with you as it seemed. She had been secretly out with some older man.

You chucked sardonically, eyes moving to pip's ceiling. "Andie always did love her secrets didn't she?" You whispered.  "I know it's silly, but Andie was all I had left after my mum died. She made me feel like I was the most important girl, she would coo at me and tell me that she thought I was beautiful. And then she'd tell me to tell her she was the most beautiful girl in the world. And I would, without hesitation. But now I'm seeing parts of her I didn't recognize, or perhaps pieces that were always there but thanks to my naivety I just brushed off. I'm- I'm angry. Obviously, that she lied to me, it hurts. The type of hurt that makes your eyes burn and your body numb. But I also know that she's still out there, and even if she hurt me I'm not giving up". The conviction   in your voice was enough to cause pip's heart to stop, hoping that someday you'd talk about her like that. With stars in your eyes.

"I'm glad to hear you say that. Because I know this is awfully sudden, but- would you like to be my partner on this case?" Pip spoke, tilting her head and eying you with such soft eyes.

It was different from the flirty Pip from the canteen. Here was just pip, with her soft kind eyes, peering at you with-understanding.

" isn't Ravi your partner? I would hate to intrude-"

"I want you with me" pip has stuttered, eyes wide when she had spoken, but then her eyes calmed and she spoke again, "I want you to help me with this case. You knew Andie better than anyone. And you could be important. Theirs no reason why this case can’t have three investigators”.

You let your eyes fall down to pip's wooden floor. For five years you've wanted the chance to find out what happened to Andie, not just for yourself but her parents, and Becca. The whole Bell family, because even if they had hurt Andie, she had also hurt them in turn. When you meant family, you had no notion of adding Jason bell to the mix.

"Alright" you spoke, lips upturning into a smile.

"I'll help you".  The smile on Pip's lips was reward enough.

******

The first thing you learned about Pip was that she was different from the other girls you'd met. And you had met many, being a tutor at Kilton grammar many had come to you. And they were all the same. The same way of speaking, even the same monotone spirit in their eyes.

But Pip was different. She was clever, well educated. Her brain worked faster than others. Perhaps a touch obsessive, but you would admit that you were also on the edge between obsessive.

"Andie had a burner phone" you spoke, watching as Pip's eyes burned with excitement, Ravi sitting on her chair in her room. It had been a particularly hard day, one that lead with no leads. Till you had spoken, hoping this fact would help. You had remembered seeing Andie silence the phone when you had been studying together, saying something about a Howie Bowers.

Pip's smile was wide and she immediately rushed to you, pulling you into a hug and kissing your cheek, "y/n you clever thing! We need to find that burner phone. Where could it be?" She thought, back to her usual pacing the floor.

Ravi remained standing a few feet from you, eyes refusing to meet your eyes. Ever since pip had introduced you to the team, Ravi had been distant. You knew he liked pip. Could see it in his dark brooding eyes. To him she must have been a goddess, a girl who thought his brother wasn't guilty, who was going to prove it. Might as well propose.

But lately you had seen their dynamic change. Instead of pip always looking to Ravi, her eyes were on you. You were the one she went to, when her dog had disappeared, when she had cried and cried enough tears you had been the one to wipe them away, to calm her down.

And Ravi knew that. And he hated you for it. And you couldn't help but feel like you didn't quite belong.

You brought that up to Pip during one of your sleepovers, the ones that had become usual now. Usual enough that pip even had designated a drawer that belonged to you. Ravi would complain that it wasn't fair that you got to spend the night, but pip would just smile that smile and say something to make him smile. It usually left you with a bad taste in your mouth.

"Ravi isn't fond of me is he?" You had stated. Pip had looked up from her log entries, halting the recorder that was spewing out a very angry Nat De Silva interview.

Pip's eyes had widened, her lips upturned into a questionable smile. Brows filled with concern more like.

"Where on earth did that come from?".

You had rolled your eyes, moving to lay dramatically on her bed, "you act as if you don't see the way he looks at me. Don't get me wrong he's always been cordial. But-I've seen the way he looks at me. Like he hates me. And everything always had to be a competition for him. Like let's see who can win pip first."

At that Pip's smile was evident as she watched you ramble. Taking in your pink lips, your pale complexion, the way your sleep shirt was riding up enough to reveal your braw straps. Something akin to hunger laid in her eyes.

"And I'm not that type of person" you began, rubbing your tired cheeks, eyes taking in the ceiling.

"I don't like when people have to choose sides. Ravi's making this into some stupid competition, like if your friends with me then you can't be friends with him. and that is not who I am! It's stupid and childish! and honestly I am beginning to think I should drop out, let Ravi and you finish the case. Because I am not-"

"I choose you".

The words had halted on your tongue. Lips dry, you immediately sat up, hair a mess of curls and you eyed Pip, who sat up next to you, laptop long forgotten as she eyed you.

Waiting for your response. Her grey eyes holding so much apprehension in them.

You only eyed her with confused eyes, "I don't want you to have to choose-"

"I don't care. I still choose you over him."

Pip was close now, her form leaning over yours, enough that your heart had begun to race. "I can't help it" pip began, her face now so close to your neck, pip smiled when she caught sight of the way your cheeks flushed.

And without even a warning pip was closing the distance, capturing your lips in a kiss. You only allowed your eyes to close, enjoying the way pip was laid on top of you, the weight of her body making you warm and fuzzy.

Pip kissed like her life depended on it, every brush of her lips was deliberate, very stroke of her finger against your cheeks was soft. It left your head spinning and your lips chapped.

"You taste so good" she spoke, in between kisses, her breathe ragged and eyes wild.

Her hands laid possessively over your waist, fingers gripping your skin softly yet firmly. You don't think you've ever been this turned on before, save for your few moments with Andie.

But pip, with her lips that were unforgiving and her hands that were ticking your sides. You had never thought pip Amobi, the girl who use to ask for extra homework would be this experienced.

Pip's lips moved to your chin, your jaw, your neck. And all you could do was whine in protest.

Again you couldn't help but compare Pipa to Andie, no matter how much you tried not no, to convince yourself that they were different people, you couldn't help it. When Andie had been with you, and she had that look in her eye, that familiar glean, the way her fingers would caress your hands, then up your arm. Andie had always been a hurry. She would pull you against her in the girls toilet, shushing you and then kissing you senseless, to her it was some stupid power move. She would have you say how much you were obsessed with her, and then she would leave you even more turned on, moving to wipe lipstick of her lips in the schools dodgy mirror. She never went far enough with you, and you always wondered why.

She had always been eager, that was fact, but she had never done what pip was doing. Eying you with dark blue eyes, Mapping out every detail of your features, "it's not fair for you to look so utterly ravishing" she had uttered, looking somewhat conflicted as she eyed your lips.

Her delicate fingers moved to hover over your face, swiping delicately a piece of hair that had gotten in the way. The way pip had done it, so softly, had made your arousal burn even more.

Pip sighed, fingers moving to dip bellow your chin, gripping softly, yet enough that your breathe hitched as she lazily caressed the skin bellow your chin.

"What am I going to do with you sweet girl?" she purred, eyes dark. "I could take you here right now on my bed like I've imagined so many times, or I could take you on the floor, though I doubt it would be sanitary. Though I would fancy fucking you on my door. You'd look so cute trying to stay quiet" she drawled out, laughing when your cheeks reddened, she clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, feigning thinking.

Her smile had been confirmation enough that she had come to a conclusion. Her smile somehow looking like a toss between Pervy and downright Sinful.

"How about we start by removing this lovely top? Hmm?" She cooed, lips leaning in to kiss your lips firmly, leaving you breathless and your brain foggy. You only nodded into the kiss, and Pip very cleverly dodged your lips, wiping away the tiny bit of salvia that followed.

It shouldn't have been hot, you knew that. You knew if you were not being controlled by your horny mind you would have been sick, but from the way Pip had begun unbuttoning your night shirt, each button coming undone sending shivers through you. pip remained stoic, but you could see the control in her eyes shifting as the last button was taken of.

"I trust you pip...you can take it off" you whispered, your voice quiet and calm, yet you felt your body buzzing with anticipation.

It was then that your eyes opened, taking in the dark room, chest heaving as you eyes the girl next to you, watching as her chest rose and fell beside you sound asleep. Had all of that been a dream? Your cheeks flushed, the pit in her stomach opening up as you realized.

You were in love with Pippa fitz Amobi, and you couldn’t deny it any longer. You had to confess, for your sanity.

[echantedtoon]

Ocean Deep Ch12 Interlude P2

(Warnings: Mentions of killing and murder.

It's short but it is just supposed to be an interlude chapter to show more interactions between Rengoku and Yn and his feelings on the subject.)

taglist: @six-eyed-samurai @lavenderdrxp @jjamsbangtan @camilo-uwu @hopefulworld1

@shadyd3ar @amypop122 @azuredragonstrike

@mimisweetz @chaoticoperatorduckhairdo

Remember if you want to be added to the tag list lemme know.

The night was dark and silent in the home as night claimed the skies for the next few hours. Just how it should be. He should be asleep. He knows he should be! But-

A loud yawn caused fiery eyes to look behind him. Suma yawned loudly and stretched out her body where she laid literally on her back on top of his back, before she just flopped her arms back down and let out a loud snore. He sighed before letting out a small chuckle and turned his head just far enough to kiss the top of Suma's head where it laid on his shoulder. The comforting scent of fruit and flowers from the shampoo she used hitting his senses.

He wasn't alone really. Not by a long shot. Makio was curled up on his left pressing her forehead to his side chest as he laid on his stomach. Hinatsuru's form pressed against his rest as her peaceful face was smooshed into the pile of towels they'd laid out upon the floor. Meanwhile with both his sides taken Suma opted to literally climb on top his back and sleep. He didn't mind though. She wasn't that heavy.

The brief smile disappeared from his face and he once again sighed looking at the floor or more specifically his hands. One fist opened revealing a familiar sight. A strand of perfectly polished stones. They glowed silver in the moonlight and softly clinked together as he lazily moved it about his fingers like a snake. 

Tengen.

The last time he saw him was four weeks ago. One week traveling through rivers and streams and getting injured after colliding into a tangled up mess of metal wire netting and fishing hooks which is exactly what Tengen feared would happen to them if they went off into the river systems. If he was here right now, he'd be yelling at him and dragging him back home by his fins. The other three weeks spending time here recovering from said injuries surrounded by their wives. He thanked Posidon that they were safe and sound and alive and some relief had come to him for that but now he had a new worry to worry over. What must Tengen be going through right now? He still remembered what their last exchange was-

"It's been over a year.. They're long dead."

"Don't speak like that! We don't know if that's true!"

"OH SPARE ME ANY DAMMED HOPEFUL THOUGHTS!! THE FACTS ARE FACTS AND ONLY A FOOL WOULD DENY REALITY!! They're just-...gone..... They're dead. They're dead and they're not coming back. You're the only thing I have left!"

"Then...what are you going to do?"

"... I'll tell you what I'm going to do." Kyojuro would never forget the look in Tengen's eyes or the way he turned to him that day. It was both full of rage, hurt, sadness, and longing yet so emotionless and apathetic at once. There is a saying that states that sometimes a person reached a level of rage so fierce and intense that they felt nothing but calm and numb. One of the most dangerous levels of emotions. "Until the day I die, one after another I will take from them like they did us."

You could say many things about Tengen. Sanemi Liked to call him an idiot for all the jewelry his body decorated as it'd only 'slow him down and make it more difficult hunting'. Sanemi's words not his. Tengen was an excellent hunter before he even started lacing his body. He actually started out polishing rocks and wearing them like a goofy child. That's how he proposed actually. They were merely young teenagers then. Tengen had come over and just dumped a giant amount of shiny rocks and caught fish at his fins-

"There! That should be enough!''

He had been so confused. "What's with all the rocks and fish for?"

"This is my wedding gift for you! Don't question it because I won't take no for an answer, Kyojuro! You're my husband now!"

Kyojuro never snapped up surprised so fast before."ME?!"

"OF COURSE!! THERE'S NOTHING ELSE FLASHIER! AND I KNOW WHAT LOOKS GOOD!!"

Try explaining all of that to their parents. It still got a laugh out of him. He still laughs when he remembers how Tengen met their wives too. Makio was close to his family and he was already smitten with her too for a long time. Hinatsuru he just ran into one day and got so distracted by her that he ran straight into a dolphin. Suma clung onto him.. Literally. She latched onto him after taking slight interest in her sister and Tengen brought her home and simply proclaimed that she was now theirs. You wouldn't think the five of their different personalities would mesh well but surprisingly they all worked out quite well-

"Mr. Rengoku?"

"Gah?!" He jumped up as much as the girls weighing him down would allow and snapped up- "Ah!" Only to be blinded by a bright light.

"I'm so sorry!" The light was pulled back and a dark figure stood above him. "I didn't mean to shine it in your eyes. "

His eyes blinked slowly adjusted to the new darkness and looked up at f/c eyes. Oh...It was the human woman. The one the girls had fallen for and tried to convince him to take as a wife too. He was unsure about that still and honestly had completely forgotten about it. Sure she was beautiful and obviously very kind. For a human it surprised him but looking at the bigger picture, it was best not to because he was sure Tengen wouldn't appreciate that.

"Oh. Madam L/n." He relaxed back. "You startled me. Wha-What are you doing up so late? I hope I didn't wake you."

She waved her hand and he finally noticed that the light was coming from a single candle in a candle holder she carried. "No, no. I woke up because I forgot to lock the back door but I heard someone moving around and came on you all ." Huh. That's rather thoughtful of her. Her head tilted at him. "Why are you up so late? Are mermen nocturnal or something?"

"No-..Well anglerfish mers are but not me. I was just .." His fist clenched again making  the rocks clink together and her head turn at the sound. "I-It's sometimes hard to sleep over Suma's snoring. Nothing to worry yourself about." 

"...Is that Tengen's rock strand?" She looked back to him with a frown. 

He paused..but eventually sighed and reached out a hand to rub his face. "Was I that obvious?"

"Not really. It's just a guess since I caught the others doing the same thing." One eye of his opened hearing some shuffling and a small thud sound and was surprised when she had slowly sat down in front of him and placed the candle a safe distance aways from her. "Is that why you can't sleep?"

Kyojuro stared at her before once again sighing. Pushing face further into hand. "I can't help it. I worry for him the same as I did our wives. I don't know what he's doing without me there or if he's alright..But if I am being completely honest, I feel guilty."

Her eyes blinked and her head tilted. "Guilty? For what?"

"It's not like I told him about what I was doing. If he knew, he would've just told me I couldn't, even physically restrain me if he thought it was needed." His eyes closed, shame and guilt building up within his chest. "He must be worried sick thinking I abandoned him or worse. I fear the worst. Such as he might start traveling up river looking for me now? The thought of him getting hurt or worse. I'm a sorry excuse for a husb-"

"DON'T."

The sudden shift in town made him jump but not as much as the hand clasped over his. Her expression firm in the candlelight. "Don't you dare finish that sentence. Now you shut up all that self loathing. You're not a bad husband to go look for your wives. You're not going to help anyone with anyone bringing yourself down either."

He opened his mouth ..but closed it and glanced at the hand she held. A pink rising to his cheeks. ".... Perhaps..Y-You are right about that. Yes. *ahem* I-Im just worrying myself over what ifs and pointless fears."

She smiled and patted his hand. "There you go! And soon enough you'll be together again anyways! So there's nothing to worry about, Mr. Rengoku-"

"Kyojuro."

She blinked. "Huh?"

Fiery eyes looked at her own. Face red and burning like his heart. "Please...Just call me Kyojuro. I-I'd prefer it if you just called me by my name for the rest of our time together."

"Oh..Ok! I will. Hey. Isn't it uncomfortable to have them sleeping piled on you with your injuries?"

"It's a little sore but it's not painful." His eyes laser pointed at where she still held his hand pupils becoming large. "I'm perfectly fine right now."

You woke up with a start. A pile of warmth all around you and soft snoring sounded as the snoring mers laid out on each other and you in the pile. You were shocked mouth opening as you recounted the past few hours. It was all a blur. Akira got here. Rengoku threatened him until he left. They kissed you and-

SNORT!!

Your body froze as the sleeping form of Kyojuro turned on his side and instinctively reached out an arm to pull his nearest wife closer to him- Instead you found yourself pulled against his chest with his arm slung around you, his sleeping chin pressed on the top of your head, and behind you Makio curled up closer against your back before with a small grunt she quickly fell back into deep sleep. You couldn't see the the other two but they were piled on Rengoku one way or another. You just laid there. Red faced. Staring up at the ceiling as you were pressed against Kyojuro's bare biceps.

....A small wheeze left your throat-

"You may admire me in the morning," he sleepily mumbled snuggling closer. "Go back to sleep, Dear. Then we'll talk more about medical kissing without the medical part."

"DON'T SAY THAT!"

[theodork]

Ticci Toby X Reader

A/N: there is no use of Y/N or any gender so yee..

Summary: You return after going away without saying goodbye to your best friend. You run into Toby and he is pissed.

Warnings: Girl Idk nothing to bad tho lmao, a little cursing and poor baby toby is mad asf. a little angst.

It was early January in Colorado; the biting cold nipped at my exposed skin, sending shivers down my spine. The frigid air felt like sharp needles pricking at my fingertips even with gloves, leaving them numb and tingling. Even through layers of clothing, I could feel the intense cold seeping into my bones, causing my body to tense up. Every breath felt like it was freezing my lungs as I exhaled, creating a visible cloud of vapor in the air. The sky was clear and the sun shone brightly. The snow sparkled and shimmered, outlining the landscape. It was a peaceful and beautiful sight. The snow and leaves crunched under my boots as I walked back to the Slender Mansion. It had been a full year since I left. I had gone to the city under Slender's orders and now I was back, even if it wasn't for very long.

A low whistling sound, like something metal and heavy was thrown at full force flashes past my head, barely grazing my loose hair. The heavy thud of a hatchet hitting a tree causes me to turn. Behind me stood a lifeless tree, its decaying branches reaching out like skeletal fingers. And there, lodged firmly in the rough bark, was a weathered hatchet. I looked back in front of me, a scowl plastered on my face. It was Toby, he stood about 50-ish feet in front of me. He looked different. He no longer had his raggedy brown and blue hoodie. It had instead been replaced by a grayish blue jacket accompanied with a trucker hat. One thing that did stay the same, or rather two was his muzzle and his orange goggles. I looked back at the hatchet, I hadn't even recognized who they belonged to. My scowl was quickly replaced by a smile.

"I missed?" his voice sounded, it seemed shocked.

I take off my mask, I had changed it since I last saw Toby. My new mask has little doodles and other graffiti all over it, making it fit my style more. "Is that any way to treat an old friend?" I chuckle, walking forward a bit. He walked forward, his eyes a bit wide.

"What? no welcome back?" I say, a small smile plastered on my lips. His initial shock of seeing me wears off. He glares at me, his eyes are like sharp daggers. "Why t...he hell are you back?"

"I missed you, Besides, Denver was boring." I say. I'm back at the behest of Slenderman, but I did miss Toby, and Denver did get boring when I missed him. Toby narrows his eyes, skepticism etched into every crease of his face. He takes a step closer, his breath visible in the freezing air, the vapor seeped through the open crevices in his muzzle. The chilly mist emanating from his mouth hangs in the air for a moment before dissipating, creating a ghostly effect. As he moves nearer, His gaze then sharpens, transforming into penetrating daggers that reflect his discontent. He huffed.

"Why? It’s not like we’re friends or anything.” He said in a harsh voice. I frown.

"We are" I said, titling my head a bit. I cant blame him. Afterall I didn't tell him I was leaving. Not even a goodbye. I deeply regret it, but I couldn't change that.

"I'm sorry for not telling you I was leaving or even telling you goodbye, I really should have" I said my voice was soft.

"yes...y..es you should have," He huffs again. He was angry and I did not blame him "actually it's whatever It not like I cared." I paused for a moment, my heart sinking at his dismissive words. It hurt more than I thought it would, hearing him say that. But I couldn't dwell on my own hurt feelings. I reach my hand out to touch his.

"It doesn't sound like you don't care." Toby recoils slightly at my outstretched hand. His eyes flicker with a mix of emotions.

"Don't touch me." He barked, slapping my hand away.

"Sorry-Right... sorry" I said. Toby is quiet for a moment.

"It was boring here without you." His voice and eyes soften.

"It was" I smile. As angry as he was he missed me. Toby let out a frustrated growl, his gloved hands gripping his hatchet tightly. His slender frame tensed, and it seemed like he was struggling to keep his emotions in check.

"Yeah" He grunts, his tough guy persona comes back.

"I am really really sorry I didn't at least say goodbye" I apologize again. 

“You’ve already said that” Toby rolled his eyes 

“I tried to write to you when I was away.” I said, “I never sent them but I wrote a lot…I guess the gesture is useless because I never sent them” I spoke. My voice was a little sad

 Toby's gaze softens, a flicker of warmth passing through his eyes. He hesitates for a moment before speaking, his tone losing some of its harshness, though it there laced into each word, "So?"

As I reach into the inside pocket of my jacket, my fingers curl around a bundle of letters. Pulling them out, I reveal a collection of folded papers, varying in size and color. The letters are neatly stacked, each one bearing the marks of time, with edges slightly frayed and corners softened. Some envelopes are worn and discolored, while others appear crisp and new. The sight of the numerous letters emanates a sense of both curiosity and nostalgia, hinting at the stories and emotions contained within each one.

His eyes dart to the letters, he looks like he wants them, but he's fighting himself.

"You can have them, read them if you want..." I offer them to him,  His gaze lingers on the letters for a moment. He scoffs.

"I don't want them."  I feel my heart sink once again, but this time it's a pang of disappointment mixed with resignation. I had hoped that he would take the opportunity to glimpse into my thoughts, to understand the depth.

"Alright" I put them back in my jacket "that's a problem , good, I wrote some pretty embarrassing and sappy stuff in those"  Toby's eyes widened for a moment, his curiosity piqued by my sudden revelation.

He snorts. “You think I’d actually read them?" It's obvious he's trying to convince himself he doesn't want to read them.

"Yeah I forgot you can't read" I joke, playfully teasing him. Toby scoffs, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. He lightly slaps my arm "Who says I can't read? I just choose not to."

"I only jest, I know you can read" The tension starts to ease between us.

"Why did you come back anyway? Why did you really come back" Toby asked again, taking off his muzzle. revealing his mouth. The scar on his cheek looks a bit rougher and his chin has a bit more hair on it. I look down at his fingers to get a better look at them. They look a bit rough too. He must be chewing on them. Afterall I wasn't around to remind him to stop.

"Well it's like I said. I missed you" I answered.  Toby's face contorts into a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. He shakes his head, clearly not satisfied with my response.

"That's it? You just missed me? Bullshit"

"I did."

He glares. “Like hell you did.”

"What the hell Toby, I did"

“And I don’t believe you.” He crosses his arms. “And why didn’t you say bye, anyways? Why’d you just disappear?”

“Goodbye are hard, I thought maybe I'd I just left it be less hard"

 I sighed, feeling the weight of my past mistakes and the strain of the current conversation resting heavily on my shoulders. I had hoped that my return would bring some semblance of peace and understanding between us. Toby went silent for a minute. The silence was a bit deafening. Even the trees seemed to stop rustling as the air went heavy. 

“Well, you were wrong.” Toby finally says with a huff.

“I know, I'm really really sorry.”

“Do you expect me to forgive you?” He scoffs, pulling his goggles off his face. 

“No, I don’t, But I hoped maybe you could?”

“Well I am not.”

“That’s okay. Like I said, I don't expect you to,” Toby held grudges, and he was good at it, “But I promise when I leave again, I’ll tell you and I’ll say goodbye.”

"When you leave again?!” His eyes go a bit wide. His voice is more shocked than angry. “When you leave again?” He repeats. 

“Is that a joke?” he asked.

"Why would it be a joke?" I ask and tilt my head to the side.

“You’re leaving again? I thought you were staying.” He’s disappointed, as much as he tries to hide it he wants me to go.

"I'm staying for a week," I admit.

“Why? Why bother coming back at all then?” He starts to pace. “No you know what, You’re not important to me. I don’t care. You’re just a waste of time, a burden you should have stayed in denver.” He spat, venom laced his words. I knew he was just talking out of anger and hurt, but it didn’t make the impact of the words any less harsh.

“You don’t mean that,” I said.

“Oh, but I do!” he barks.

“Well, don’t worry then. I’ll leave after I check in with Slenderman.” I shake my head. I start to walk in the direction of the Slender Mansion.

“Good” Toby mutters, another sharp thud hits the dead tree from earlier. Toby threw his other hatchet at the tree in frustration. 

[lostinvasileios]

It's actually a little overwhelming (in a good sense) being loved by a god. Their love is so pure, it's so strong and it's so -- much to feel, for lack of better words.

Deities, they know our souls. They know how to love us, and sometimes that can be frightening to know. Or, it was for me at first, haha. But, the fear always goes away whenever I'm experiencing it. Whenever I'm draped in their love.

Gentle caresses from my gods, kisses and whispered words of adoration. The burning sensations of their presence or the soft, sweet smelling reminders of how they're around. It's all so much but so perfect at the same time.

These beautiful creatures who I never imagined would once love me, and certainly not this much, have completely transformed me throughout our time together and showed me how my hands were not broken yet flowers could grow from my palms.

They showed me what it feels like to be actually loved. Nothing like I had ever imagined or experienced. Nothing like I ever could grasp. It was horrifying at first. But there's something beautiful when fear turns into acceptance and a mutual doting relationship.

I always feared that my way of love was too much if I could ever even show or feel it. I feared I was needy, that I wasn't even capable of loving for years. I feared I was absolutely undesirable, partner or not. Me being aromantic and asexual didn't help with that either. I assumed, I was cursed by something. I never knew what, but something just had a hatred for me so deep, that they took away the ability to feel what I had craved to feel and experience my entire life.

I thought I was so, entirely broken. I wish I was exaggerating.

I spent nights, endless hours, crying until I couldn't breathe. Feeling absolutely in the lowest of ruts. I hated myself. I hated existing in a world where everyone could feel love and experience something similar to fairytales while all I got was betrayals and a shattered emotional system.

I forced myself to love, to try and love people who never saw my heart, yet what laid in front. I forced myself to accept the attention I got from my past just to feel what I thought was love. It only... Ended up in more conflicting emotions, however.

I thought it was pointless. Absolutely meaningless for me to ever have a hope of feeling love. I went through many, many trials with the way I saw how love "should" be portrayed.

It was... A really rough time going through all of that.

Eventually, I felt very sensitive. Extremely. I found out that's just - you know - how I am. I'm a very vulnerable lover. I'm very in touch with my emotions. My intense emotions. I hated that for a long time. I thought it was better to be numb than to have the passionate emotions I do.

And... Now, if I'm going to be honest, I love how emotional I am. I've grown to be in awe of myself for that. For how poetically in love I can get. How many tears I can cry and how much my heart can expand for my deities. I couldn't be where I am now without Apollon mostly, to be real.

Apollon saw all my pain, he heard all of my cries and he handled all of my "no, no, you're just saying that" mood swings whenever he would say something sweet to me. And he never gave up on me. It makes me tear up thinking about how extremely gentle he is with me. Especially during times where he knows I can be quite harmful to myself.

How he can listen to all of my fears and give me nothing but kisses and words of safety instead of scolding and insults like I expected. Apollon knew I was so very afraid of love, of touch, of trust, of everything, basically. And he took every step in his power to help me. To guide me to a place of confidence, of security and healing. He gave me hope. He gave me a reason to live and quit my bad habits. A sight to the beauty in myself and my life.

He held me tenderly when I was bawling, he talked me through my attacks, he kissed my stinging face when I calmed down. He helped me in ways I never even wanted to think about, because of how badly those areas hurt to consider fixing up. He patched my wounds for me and sealed them with a kiss.

Being loved by my deities saved my life. It changed my life. It was so confusing at first. So, so scary to think about. To reach out, to accept a calling, to accept my authentic self.

For a while I kept thinking "what did I do to deserve you/this?"

And each time...

Apollon would respond:

"You always deserved this. You were born worthy of this and much more, my dear. Your soul says it all. You radiate this. You radiate love."

[animalisticlore]

Accepting The Truth

I opened my eyes to find a intense and blazing light falling right onto me, that few seconds full of white with nothing around me. Just pure white.

It was scary

Feeling the belts hugging my wrists keeping me at the barn of sanity, the skin slowly getting red because of the friction that i created. Almost as if i am drawn to pain, brings me a sense of familiarity. Closing my eyes back again taking a deep breath i no longer see white, a blanket of black abyss swallowing me whole a sudden clap wakes me up.

Blue

I saw him beside me holding my hand, i never felt a hand on mine. His eyes full of tears imploring me to recall it, helplessness took over me i couldn't help but wonder what was it that pulled me towards him. Sanity brought me back to the reality, i softly pulled my hands away.

I have a lover

I started my bike sensing the obvious change in her voice even though it wasn't hers, wondering what went wrong i ask her and she breaks beautifully to my existence. A flush of anger ran through my blood and i didn't know why, was i mad at her? Myself? Both? I couldn't tell. Typing in a stable ahead moment i rested easy on my bike for a while. I looked at the cigarette when i saw myself behind me through the rear mirror.

Come on do it. Take your anger out. I know you've waited so long.

I waited for him to swing, both of us feeling the nerves popping. One waiting for an attack one waiting for the response. A minute passed and his grip loosened on the hammer, i turned back to look at him.

Helpless

Was it really me from another dimension? So vulnerable. So broken. So strong. A urge to hug myself tickled me in my heart, i almost did but stop myself knowing if i saw myself from the past, i'd probably wish to do the same. Suffocate him to death. An interaction with him was a eye opening highlight of my day of what not to do. Smiling and getting back to her not overthinking about what my other version said in the slightest.

"he hates me for all the right reasons"

My body meets the ground, a loud bang echoes through the alley. Warm liquid leaks through my body, unhealed wounds bleed out on the ground that absorbed it throughout. I softly look back at myself, his exasperated expressions said it all.

"i wish you were never born in the first place to begin with"

He swung when i wasn't ready, with every bone he broke, a piece of him faded making his physical body more thinner and thinner. His tears keeps me holding onto the ground, falling numb to every hit of myself.

"Everything you touch, it dies! Be it a flower or a person you care about"

That hurted. Every outrageous thing he said was actually true, I've exhausted people and taken their light away. I hoped it was just this one time or maybe twice or thrice.

"In every dimension every generation every universe"

His last hit on my skull, the warm liquid serving through my mouth to the ground. Every flashback of every life flashes back in front of my eyes, projecting me in every universe i realized he was legitimate. My eyes filling with tears my mouth full of blood, as running out of breath i don't try to hold onto life. I try not to be vocal as my cries get absorbed in the ground along with the blood flow.

"Die"

I felt him fading as my breath grew faint, not being able to stop myself I turned on my back and i let out a loud cry. His words fogging my head i let all the memories come back at me. All my memories came back, haunting me with my truth.

"There's a quote; And so i will do as the devils do, fall. And so i will do as the devils do, protect and destroy"

i pushed every ounce of strength to get back to my field, my home. In no time i reached along with those haunting memories and uncalled anger, i took a lengthy moment of silence staring at them. Everyone that i cared about. I look around trying to find a flower, i pour my aura onto the flower. The flower takes it's most beautiful form and yet in a second, it dies. I look back at my house.

"Oh"

I recognize myself, my faith and my entire story from every dimension of every universe. J noticed my spark in my hand and his heart sinks, he ran down the stairs while fire burned heated enough to withstand the water.

"come forth"

I had everyone important exactly as it should be placed as, my three most strongest stood tall as if they were welcoming me back. All three of them failing to heal me, i look at J who finally falls right onto my arms.

"Don't die on me don't die please"

He holds me tight, his grip making his palm bleed. He sobbed softly on my shoulder, struggling to breath i pledge i won't hurt anyone any further. Certainly not him.

Not him.

"please help me with the half bun" i say softly. His lips quivering he does it trying not to breakdown, i smiled at him and said "i love you" He broke down, he sobbed letting out his pearly tears that i kept wipping.

"I love you so much"

i hugged him closely knowing it's him, knowing he won't let me choose the right path. "Would you love me if i turned evil?" He shook his head in denial. "I ruined you two didn't i?" He shook his head again. I push him away, hard. I turn back to walk away, "you're pushing me away again" i don't reply to his sentence. I knew he was wrong, like always. "Yeah fine this time i am not coming after you chasing you the way you like" i smiled and kept walking away.

I'll make sure of that.

[rocicrew]

i have too many wips/drafts/pieces of writing i never used anywhere. so im posting them bit by bit because why not. some will be more completed, and some will be unfinished, but i like pieces of writing in them, so im releasing them to the world.

Naomi was usually able to ignore the constant aching of her body. Their destination and her motivation made it easier to do so. If she reminded herself why she was doing this, it made it easier to endure the pain that came with each injection and to endure the strain of every single muscle in her body.

But something during that night cycle had brought a numbness with the aching that scared her.

She’d climbed up on their cabin, curled under the covers hoping the exhaustion would bring her sleep and not the thoughts that edged on the back of her consciousness.

Memories of a lifetime ago, that would serve nothing but further upset her.

Jim entered a while after, having to reply to some messages sent by Avasarala. She hadn’t asked for details, just let him know she was going to lie down.

“Thought you’d be asleep by now”, he said with a groan as he sat on the edge of their bunk and began undressing. First his mag boots and then his jumpsuit.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Naomi watched him, her head resting on her pillow and her eyes trailed on the muscles on his back as he took off his shirt.

He turned then towards her with a question in his eyes.

She smiled at how well he knew her. Once that’d have felt terrifying. It still did at times if she were honest. But it also brought her a comfort that'd been long gone. Even for something as simple as this.

She nodded, carefully sitting up without showing any of the intense discomfort her body felt. But he must have known she wasn't feeling all that well because he was already helping her pass the fabric over her head and through her arms.

If it were anyone else, Naomi would've found the gesture condescending. But when she looked at him he had a gentle smile that had his eye crinkling at the corners, all she felt was an overwhelming affection and couldn't stop herself from letting out a huff of air.

They settled into each other, as they did every night, Naomi with her head pillowed on Holden's shoulder and her arm thrown over his torso. And today even that effort felt exhausting.

“I gave birth on Ceres”, his hand that was stroking up and down her side stilled suddenly but she didn’t hear any comment. If she had to guess she’d assume he didn’t want to stop her from speaking at the rarity that was her opening up.

“Probably wouldn’t have made it anywhere else.” On Pallas, in one of the ships she used to make runs with, she didn’t stand a chance.

There was a calmness in which she said like it wasn’t what actually was but a simple fact.

But it was a fact.

It was the gravity of the situation. The corollary of the lack of consistent gravity growing up. A few years back, when she wasn’t the Naomi she is now, she’d have said that wouldn’t be a bad outcome. It certainly would have spared her the heartbreak.

“Naomi-”

“I remember the room I was in… I was alone, but there was this woman singing some song. Must have been a nurse or…”, an OPA member, the kind that once she would have thought as family.

Please don’t ask me about it, she thought. I can’t tell you anything more.

“I don’t think I could understand the words and I’m not sure if I ever learned her name but I still remember the melody.”

It all seemed out of place. Her confession, the topic, everything about it.

Except it wasn’t.

Because her body ached more than ever and she couldn’t help but revert to the last time she’d felt this bad. Because Jim doesn’t get everything yet, he doesn’t get Marco and all she’d been through but he can get pieces of herself. Because it was an indirect way to ask what she needed.

I was alone then, held together by a stranger's kindness. I was alone and scared and in so much pain and I don’t want to be that now.

(She leaves out the code she wrote just a few days after in a room next door. That is harder to bear than the gravity the planet would soon force on her.)

Naomi almost got lost in the memories. Too vivid. Too painful. Neither, both of them.

However, a low hum pulled her out of it. It was nothing like the melody she remembered but no less comforting. Perhaps even more so.

Because unlike the previous time, there was actual love and care behind it. This man… Truthfully she meant for her memory to be taken more metaphorically but the earnestness of his gesture meant more. His earnestness has always been a source of great affection towards him.

She buried herself further into his arms, letting the rumble of his voice soothe her as it vibrated through his chest.

“Mother Elise used to sing this for me whenever I had a nightmare”, he whispered in between hums. “But I'm not a good singer, clearly.”

His small jest was able to draw a laugh, albeit a small one, even here.

“Well, I've heard worse.”

“That's comforting.”

“No, keep going. It's nice. I like it.”

Jim leaned down to press a gentle kiss right at her hairline before resuming with her request.

His steady hand on her side, his deep pleasant scent, the soft material of his shirt on her shoulder and the tone of his voice grounded her back to their small cot better than anything that day.

Every ache and bruising stopped feeling like a distant sensation and came back to here and now. Feeling like her body once again.

In the midst of all that, she hadn't paid attention to the new warmth of the blanket that now enveloped her or had realised how much effort it took to keep her eyes still open.

Before she drifted asleep, she heard Jim whisper, "You're alone anymore. You'll always have me," but the exhaustion overwhelmed her and before she had a chance to wonder if she'd spoken any of her thoughts out loud, she fell into dreams of planets and gravity wells and a different life that would've never belonged to her.

[dahlia-shifts]

Methods I've gotten close to shifting with

First, I want to say that I haven't really been active on here since I forgot my password (oops), but I'm back with lots of things to talk about!

I want to mention that I have still not shifted, (might have minishifted once, but that's a story for another post) but I've gotten pretty intense symptoms this past few weeks, so I'm here to share about the methods I used!!

A method I used a lot in the beginning of my shifting journey was the Train Method. I used it for a week straight, since I liked it a lot, so I decided to give it more than one try. In the middle of the method I could feel my legs going numb and suddenly I felt as if someone was shoving my shoulder. I tried not to let it phase me, but I lost focus and it stopped. To this day this is the one method I've actually felt so close to shifting with.

Next one is the Transe Method. In the middle of it I felt my arms go numb to the point I couldn't feel them at all !! Like they weren't there at all. My back was all tingly and stuff, but I didn't shift. Will def. use it again!!!

The last one is the Self Hypnosis and Powerful Affirmations. Nothing too crazy happened, but I would feel poking at my limbs and once I closed my eyes I saw white flashes. It wasn't bright, but noticeable enough to pick up on it !

Honorable mentions, A.K.A methods I love - The Ceiling Method ; The Tunnel Method ; The Rope Method ; The Word Method.

All of these are available on Alunir's channel, so be sure to check them out if you can !!! The methods are all linked to the YT videos, so you can just press the names of the methods if you don't want to go searching for them on Alunir's channel <3

Whoever is reading this, will shift tonight! Might not be tonight, but it's better later than never. Your DR is patiently awaiting your arrival. Don't overthink it and be patient. You didn't find shifting, shifting found you. The universe is on your side and will always be.

Happy shifting !

[birdsofhands]

10/25/2023

somehow it's always octobers.

and why does this look aesthetic?

today we're falling apart again. me and edgar i mean. will it still matter when i'm thirty? i'm not sure. but as of now, some of my intense girlish feelings at the age of 23 is fading away. watered down. we're calling a rest. a kind of cool off. i guess. the funny thing is that i was all tensed up the entire time we were talking, but when we finally decided to take a break, i felt myself physically relieved. yes it was a bit sad but i shrugged it off and it was easy. im being honest. yes it still is making me anxious. what if he genuinely hates me now? that's my concern. i did not like it that waym him hating me. i know his love the same way i know his hatred. and both are weighty things. i wish i only know his love. it was nice. his love was nice most times and i think ill miss it. but we're really not working out. i think it's probably because of me not wanting to have sex? but that's wrong. i don't deserve such vile treatment. if he loves me he'll respect that. so losing him because of this isn't really a loss. and i don't even see him becoming my husband. [maybe i kinda do sometimes when i remember how he promises to make me a glass of milk when im having a panic attack in the middle of the night or how we danced in our porch in the middle of the night with no music on but then ill remember all the awful things he had said to me] i am confused like a teenager. i am alive and learning how to live. does that make sense? no. and that's the point. do i sound like im trying to make something out of nothing? maybe. maybe that's what im good at. and rambling too. i don't know why im so afraid of journaling when i am this good when i finally start. the words just ebb and flow. when i realize i don't need to make a literary piece like sylvia plath, it becomes easier and freer and i forget why i started this. sorry. i was saying it felt a whole lot emptier when it's done. perhaps it's the thought that he'll come back to me either way like he always does. almost dog-like. and how ill accept him too because well, i have no one and i am afraid to be lonely. is that the truth? i am not afraid to be lonely. [i think journaling to me now also feels like a battle between figuring out whether i'm really being honest with myself or just my old classic people pleasing fake ass self talking? it's hard when you don't know who you are or when you spend your time either wallowing and drowning in your negative energies or distracting yourself with everything you can find instead of figuring out how you feel and processing it. or maybe i just really need help.

ok well let me tell you about today. it was great overall actually, btw im lying in my childhood bedroom that doesn't look remotely close to my childhood bedroom beside my sleeping mother. we just got an aircon. my sister is working below and the blue light of her projector lamp is oozing to the ceiling moving like ocean waves. green laser dots speckled it. my mother just moved and i got scared she'd scold me but she didn't ans that fucking surprising honestly. i fed loki a lot today and we got closer. he lets me pet him now and he comes to me even if I wasn't calling him. he was lovely. that's all for today im anxious.

i forgot to tell you he called me a sad girl today. it hurt actually but he was right i was trying to manipulate him to get him to say sorry to me. and after tht i tried a different approach the narcissist tht i am. i asked him if he really knew the word and that he should tell me what it means and guess what? he caught on my schemes. he said no. cuz im just going to turn it against him which was exactly what i was gonna do but well i was being obvious and it would be really disappointing if he hadn't caught on but damn. that was still shocking. and surprisingly numbing. after tht i just accepted defeat. i wanted to rest i didn't wannafeel like tht anymore. it's like he doesn't love me anymore. he's ok with losing me now.

---

the morning that day, loki went to me and woke me up with a massage. it was the first time ive experienced something like that.

[rayne-storm]

Flirting with Danger

AUgust 16 - Circus

Fandom: Hyperdrive

Summary: Stella/Sol

Stella is a helping hand at the Carnival, not talented enough to have any kind of act of her own, but brilliant with animals and kids. She has a crush on the newest attraction. Could it be mutual?

A/N: just a silly little thing that happened when I tried to picture what these two would be doing in a circus.

****

To watch Solomon throw knives was to watch a master work. The precision and strength were art in themselves, and Stella could never help staring when she passed by his acts. It was mesmerizing, and she was only human. Not that anyone like her had a shadow of a chance of being with someone like him.

It wasn't to say she was ugly or anything of the sort. She thought she was pretty enough, in an earthy way, and her figure was one earned by years of hard work on a farm that she left only to help here. But everyone knew that the help and the stars didn't really intermingle. Not in a lasting way. The light of stardom, even here, was simply too bright for most.

She was content to watch from a distance as he performed, satisfied that she could at least have that privilege. Maybe he'd know her name eventually, if either of them stuck around long enough. That would be amazing.

She wasn't expecting to be asked to assist.

"Now, Miss, forgive me. I see you all the time, and it's really amazing to see you work, especially with the animals, but I don't believe I've ever caught your name?"

She can scarcely believe it. He had asked for volunteers as she was taking a break and watching him for a moment, and he settled on her. Here she was, mere feet away from the man she fantasized about.

"S-Stella," she managed to squeak out.

He grinned and took her hand in his, bringing it up to his lips.

"A Star, indeed," he purred, and turned back to the audience. "A massive round of applause for my lovely helper Stella, if you please!"

People actually clapped, and he had her stand against a bright red wall. There were no previous holes, which was nice, nothing to try and cram herself within. This was almost too intense to be real. But he had knives in his hands, and he was saying something about remaining very still.

Not that she could move under the intensity of his gaze anyways.

As the knives went in around her, it felt… romantic. Sensual, even. One landed between her knees and he winked, and she thought she was going to die and ascend to Heaven itself.

The world was silent save the sound of metal piercing the material behind her, and she was numb to everything but the sensation of blades zipping past her, tiny breezes blowing her curls around ever so slightly.

It was over all too soon.

But rather than say goodbye, Solomon held her hand after their bows, pressing another lingering, searing kiss to her knuckles.

"You were perfect. How would you like to be my partner full-time? Nobody's ever been as still as you," he praised, and for a terrible moment she thought he may have missed during the show, tragically killing her, and this was indeed Heaven.

"What? You want…me?"

"Oh, very much so, but even just as co-performers would be fine," he purred, and that wink made her legs weak.

"I, I would love you- to. I mean to."

Dammit.

He merely grinned and pulled her in for a proper kiss, resting his forehead against hers when he pulled away. "I might just love you too."

[colby-k]

Being Diagnosed With Bipolar Depression

I have recently been writing about my anxiety in my posts. It has plagued my life for years in many different ways. Now I want to switch gears and tell you more about my depression, specifically my bipolar depression.

I have been struggling with depression for a long time. I first started noticing it a few years after my anxiety started to blossom. It was before middle school. I had this feeling and, at the time, I didn't know what to call it. I was feeling sad in a way, but also not interested in life. At recess, I didn't want anyone to talk to me. I would often sit alone on the swings or grass. It seemed like the only thing to do.

I learned to try to ignore it. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't have anyone to tell, and I thought that everyone would think I'm faking it. I worried that they would see me as someone who wants attention. Shortly after this realization, I was able to find a word to match how I feel: worthless. Yet, I was also confused because it felt like nobody wanted to be around me, but I pushed them away.

The longer I kept this up, the more I was suspicious of myself. I was afraid that I was possibly falling into an asymmetrical rhythm with my social skills and experiences. I didn't want to fall into the pattern of being socially awkward and not being able to attain and retain friends. So, I decided to try to make more friends and socialize more.

This became good for my mental health. I was less depressed after a while of getting to know my new friends. But, then, the bullying started. This is when I remember my first interactions with bipolar disorder. I didn't notice it at the time, but the bullying triggered my mood inconsistencies. I went from being content and at ease one moment, to depressed and feeling like garbage the next.

I wasn't educated much on mental health, and what I did know was stereotypical and mostly false. I grew up being fed misinformation and being taught that having a mental illness makes you useless.

I was afraid to talk about it. I didn't know who I could talk to. My father didn't understand mental illness or even feelings. He basically thought it was a joke. It was the same for the rest of that family as well. However, my mother's side was more understanding of my problems. I still felt like I couldn't tell her or anyone else in the family. My friends were out of the question because I couldn't trust them completely. It was confusing.

After I started therapy and worked on identifying my feelings, I started to understand what was causing my emotions to become so intense. Although my self-perceptions began to evolve, I still didn't understand how to untangle my ups and downs. I wanted to discuss this with my therapist, but I couldn't put it into words. I wanted to get it off my chest, but I couldn't.

I continued to live with it for some time. As I got older and went through high school, it slowly became more intense and problematic. In ninth grade, I specifically remember being at my lowest of lows.

At 15 years old, girls can be mean. There was a group of girls who had spread many rumors about me, one being that I was pregnant. They said I had sex with my stepbrother and got pregnant. However, what they wouldn't understand is it was actually sexual abuse. But, we won't talk about that.

This is just one example of how much my life was ruined. It wasn't the sole cause, but it made me go into a deep depression. I felt invalidated, worthless, and numb. It was awful to the point of self-harm, but we won't talk about that either.

It felt like I was surrounded by black opiates, all of them, just for me. To feel like nothing was almost an addiction. Keeping myself growing and moving forward felt impossible. It was as if all I could do was dissociate and use pain as a grounding tool.

This strong episode lasted for almost a year. But there were a few times when I felt content and happier than I'd been in months. I wasn't the happiest, but I felt lighter. This didn't last long, though.

This was the time that I started to hear voices, too. At first, I thought that it was just that little voice inside my head that everyone has. But, the thoughts soon became more violent. I kept this a secret from everyone because I didn't want them to think that I was a psychopath. They slowly became worse and worse until they just kept repeating themselves. Sometimes, it has been phrases or shorter sentences like "Just do it, you know you want to" in regards to self-harm.

Once I started college, the voices were primarily male and rusty-sounding. Before I started therapy at college (about halfway through my second semester), a new, female voice joined in and was even viler.

Even though it took a while to get my mental health controlled, after I did, life became somewhat easier for me. I was very grateful. I still had my highs and lows, and most of the time they were dramatic changes. The voices were just as mean and manipulative. As I progressed through the rest of high school, I learned to live with these emotions. Unfortunately, letting them just exist wasn't healthy. Just coping isn't healthy. You have to actively heal.

I didn't learn this until I was in college, though. I was taking a general psychology class, and we were learning about basic mental disorders. Bipolar depression was touched on, and it caught my attention. It seemed like it was describing how I was feeling. I thought there is no way I could have bipolar depression. But, I'm not a psychologist, so I cannot diagnose myself. Later in the semester, I thought that it was time to see a psychiatrist.

I sat down at my desk one day to research psychiatrists that I could contact. Through a Google search, I came upon an eye-catching psychiatric clinic. I read its introduction on Google, read some reviews, and decided to call them. After I made my appointment, all I had to do was wait.

I was nervous on the day of my appointment. I was truly hoping everything would turn out okay, and I wasn't as crazy as I thought I was.

As I connected with my psychiatrist over video chat, I was surprised to find myself somewhat physically relaxed. Looking back, I think it was because of finally meeting with one. She introduced herself as the psychiatrist's nurse practitioner. I was interested in this. I wondered what type of case it took to see the psychiatrist. But, I tried to push that aside so I could focus on the meeting.

Once we got started, the first thing she asked was why I was there. From there, we discussed my background and how I feel about it now. She asked me how my traumas affect me and if I feel like I dramatically go from a high to a low often. The more questions she asked, the more I realized that I actually might be crazy.

An hour after the start, I finished answering questions. She said, "Okay, well here's what I think based on what you've told me here today." She then proceeded to tell me that I have an anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and bipolar depression with psychotic features. I wasn't ready for the last one.

I never considered myself to be anywhere near bipolar, but I've learned that that was because I was suppressing it. My nurse practitioner then prescribed me a few different medications to try. She told me to contact her after a week of taking them to touch base on how they were working for me.

They ended up working wonderfully. I decided to stay on the dosage I was originally given, and I've been doing so much better these last two and a half years since the diagnosis.

However, it was still difficult to take in this diagnosis. It wasn't because of the stereotypes of being bipolar. It wasn't because I had to take more medication or anything like that. I thought that I wasn't going to be diagnosed with a disorder more than just anxiety and depression. I thought they were my peak, even though I was still hearing voices.

Today, my mental health is controlled by medication from my psychiatrist and by going to therapy. I have a rough past, and there's more that I haven't shared. But, being diagnosed with mental disorders, especially bipolar depression, gives me a guide to continue the process of healing. It provides me a starting point for learning how to be proactive.

Having a mix of mental disorders can exhaust me, especially when I fall into an episode that I can't control. But, with the help of medication, patience, and therapy, I have become okay with my mental imbalances and will wear them with pride.

[pinkrelish]

Oh boy these are all so good! Can I ask for "a kiss on the corner of the mouth,  hoping for more but expecting nothing" ?

a/n: from this kiss prompt list

SFW: gn!reader, fluff

It was your first date with the guy from the dating app. Between long hours at you internship, two essays due, and the actual classes between that, your hours were taken. Dating wasn't on your mind. But there was something about the way he made you laugh over text, sent you good morning messages, and checked in on you after work that enticed you to say yes to him.

obito: wanna go to the amusement park this weekend? i promise it'll be more fun than ordering a bunch of coffees for stuffy old people who make you take them back because their drink wasn't made with enough caramel syrup. :)

you: god yes get me out of here

There you were, standing in line for a roller coaster, when Obito asked the dreaded question.

"Are you scared?"

You dragged your gaze away from the hulking metal beast screeching above you and moped, "No."

He laughed and stepped closer, placing his hands on either side of the metal railing, grinning down at you with his eyes half-closed, peering at the way you shuffled nervously and looked everywhere but at him or the roller coaster. "Something tells me you're scared."

The line moved up. The carts filled with bodies, two to each. Snug with only a rickety bar across their waists to keep them from falling to their deaths.

You stared at your fate from across the gate and crossed the threshold with a gentle hand at your back and snickering in your ear. Assuring you you'd be fine as you stepped inside the cart and the bar was cranked down, Obito next to you.

He wiggled so that your thighs touched. "We can stick to the tea cups if this one's too intense for you," he teased.

You pinched his side. "Oh, stop it. I told you I'm not scared."

A buzzer sounded and the carts lurched one at a time. Tick-tick-ticking up the tracks as you approached the first drop at a snail's pace. Churning the nerves in your stomach.

Obito grazed his fingers over yours--numb from clawing your jeans--and you surrendered. You held his hand. And felt safer. At peace.

That is, until your descent.

You screamed. Screwed yours eyes shut. Turned Obito's kind gesture into one of pain.

"Ow, ow, ow," he cried at your vice grip.

"Sorry-" You yelped as nose dived into another drop and bend.

"Smile!"

"What?" Smile? You opened your eyes the tiniest amount and was met with nothing but the darkness of the tunnel you spotted while waiting in line earlier.

You turned to make sure you heard him right.

At the exact moment he turned to you.

Obito pressed a tender kiss to the corner of your mouth, meant for you cheek.

He was too surprised to stop the action.

Your adrenaline surged, unable to register anything other than the cold tip of his nose and his warm mouth.

The roller coaster shot out form the tunnel.

"What?" you repeated, staring at him in the last dregs of light from the sunset. He stared back, also unable to articulate anything worthwhile.

The ride slowed. Stopped. The bar clicked up. You were free to go.

At some point during the exchange, he had let go of your hand, so walked together in stunned silence, side by side, past the counter where the photo was taken.

You couldn't help yourself. You looked at the screen.

In the photo, you were smiling. Obito was leaned over, undoubtedly kissing you. Whether on accident as his shocked face alluded to or not, you weren't sure.

However, you were sure of one thing: your soaring heartbeat. Not from the ride, but from him; holding your hand while confronting your terror. Bringing a smile to your face in spite of the fear. Being there for you as he did over the phone. Ensuring he was available to have long conversations after midnight while you both studied for exams. Kissing you because the chemistry between you was palpable, creating the knots of tension in your stomach.

"Sorry if that was.. out of nowhere," he said, rubbing the back of his head. Messing up his windswept black hair. Lifting his scarred cheek in a remorseful smile, thinking he made a mistake, overstepped a boundary. "I just wanted to.. I dunno."

It was pure torture witnessing him misinterpret your reaction, as you had misinterpreted his.

In front of the photo of him kissing your cheek, in front of the other people getting off the ride, you raised onto your tip toes.

You cupped his cheek and brought him to your level. Sliding your fingers along his jaw, up to running your thumb along his cheekbone; you pulled him and closed the distance.

Your lips met to the corner of his. Soft and plush against his goofy grin. Eyes sliding closed and committing more than he did. Pressing harder. Fingers curling into the sleeve of his hoodie. Combing through his hairline at his temple. Holding him a bit longer. Then you let go.

His cheeks were flushed red. More handsome than you hoped from the pictures he sent over text. So easily casual even when he had trouble making eye contact when you met him outside the ticket booth.

He blinked, mystified. You stared, wanting more.

"If.." he started, and gulped. "If I take you on the roller coaster with all the loops, does that mean I get the rest of the kiss?"

"No," you sighed, tossing him a playful glare. "But.." You shifted your eyes around the area. "I'm not opposed to finding a quiet place to continue--Whoa!"

He already had your hand wrapped in his, leading you away from the crowd.

[mooniefics]

— personal punishment

pairing : nanami kento / fem reader

word count : 1.8k

tags : pnp, degradation, authority kink, office sex, semi-public sex, boss / secretary, nanami literally being the sexiest man to ever live and breathe

warnings : nsfw, power imbalance

summary : He couldn't expect you to be perfect—but he could definitely expect you to pay for each imperfection in more ways than one.

notes : thank u so much to @suna-reversed for hosting the incredibly creative jujutsuhub collab and allowing me to participate !! much love (୨୧•͈ᴗ•͈)◞*♡

you couldn't exactly say you weren't proud of your performance today.

for one, you'd come into the office late, knowing that your penalties would be formally waived by your boss but well aware that you would have to face his own personal punishment. it was just your luck that this very day was the most busy the office had been all month, leaving you running papers back and forth from your boss' office for hours, nearly tripping over your own heels three times too many before you even reached your lunch break, praying that you weren't screwing anything else up in your frantic rush.

but before you could even think about escaping the confines of the office building to make up for your missed breakfast at a cafe nearby, your boss was already calling back into his office. you already knew exactly why he was requesting your presence, fear and anticipation immediately tangling into a heavy knot in the pit of your stomach. but still you went, obediently as you always did, keeping your head low as you passed your coworkers in the hall.

your fate had been sealed the moment you made a mistake, the same outcome that had been repeating for months now each time you made an error, whether it was as small as not taking the trash out from the waste bin when it was too full for his liking to something as grievous as spilling his morning coffee all over one of his pristine white button-ups. for any and all errors, you were certain to face this punishment.

the position you were in wasn't unfamiliar, bent over nanami's desk, pencil skirt hiked all the way up to your waist with your underwear around your knees, completely at the mercy of the man caging you in with his body from behind.

"if you keep making all that noise, you're going to end up getting us both fired." he growled, voice low in your ear, one hand still pressed firmly over the center of your back, forcing your chest down onto his desk. the other was occupied between your legs, two thick fingers plunging mercilessly into your needy cunt as you struggled to hold in every whimper and moan each snap of his wrist drew from the back of your throat.

"'m s-sorry, s-sir..!" you barely managed to breathe out, nails beginning to scrape at the edge of the wooden tabletop, teeth digging almost painfully into your bottom lip.

"'sorry' doesn't even begin to fix everything you've fucked up today," his stern tone persisted, ribs aching between the pressure of the heel of his palm and the hard desk, "you know just how much stress i've been under and yet you went out of your way to make it worse."

"no, n-not that..! p-promise!" you whimpered, breath coming in pants, struggling to not rock back into his hand with the knowledge that he'd stop entirely if he noticed you doing it.

you had no choice but to keep your eyes trained on the door in front of you, thighs trembling with anticipation, muted gasps and mewls managing to find their way out into the open air despite your efforts. you knew he didn't mind the noise as long as you were making a conscious effort to keep quiet, only loud enough for him to have the pleasure of hearing, only expressing the pitiful broken attempts at showing remorse that seemed to arouse him to no end.

he curled his fingers to rub at spot inside you that made your knees weak, barely chuckling when you writhed under him. "enjoying your punishment like this... you're just a pathetic slut. That's all you'll ever be, isn't that right?"

Your head hung low as you came over his fingers, shuddering, biting firmly at the inside of your cheeks to hold back the whine threatening to escape your heaving chest. you knew you should be ashamed to be so excited in the face of his cruelty, but when it was his voice and hands—discipling you harshly but still paying such good attention to you and your body—you couldn't help yourself.

before you had enough time to begin catching your breath, you could already hear the clinking of his belt buckle as he pulled it free from the belt loops of his pants, the warmth of naked skin as the length of his cock met the back of your thighs, already hard. the hand resting at your back slid up to rest at the base of your neck, fingers working their way into your hair to firmly grasp, holding you still while he eased himself between your thighs.

"please, s-sir.." The words spilled out of you before you could even think to maintain your obedient silence, earning a tug at your hair harsh enough to jerk your head back, arching your body further.

"snd who are you to be making any demands?" He muttered scornfully, the head of his cock now rubbing directly over your dripping pussy, making no effort to do anything more than painstakingly tease.

"i'm not, i j-just—" You sucked in a quick breath as you felt a sharp sting over your ass, certain there was a reddening welt where his hand had just struck it, "i pr-promise i'll be better..."

"and how can I be certain that you actually will? you say the same thing every damn time, and you still have yet to show me any improvement."

your eyes watered as you searched for a proper response, stammering over your words for just a moment too long—long enough to reignite the anger you'd found a momentary mercy from. you just barely pressed your hand over your mouth in time to muffle your own cry as he slammed himself inside of you, the desk shifting across the ground with a harsh squeak, insides struggling to accommodate his size all at once. he found a quick, ruthless rhythm of thrusting almost immediately, paying your quick gasps and pitiful whimpers no mind, almost painfully deep.

"is this is really the only thing you're good for?" he huffed, groaning lowly despite his apparent ire, "just taking cock and nothing else?"

"n-no!" you protested, barely able to hold your voice steady enough to respond, swallowing down each hiccuped breath interrupting your words, "this is the l-last time, i swear..! p-please sir, please—"

he shushed you harshly before you could continue, large hand rubbing over the aching flesh he'd previously slapped in a silent threat to repeat the action. you wouldn't be entirely opposed to feeling his large hand strike you again and again, leaving prints of red across your skin that wouldn't fade until hours after you'd left the office for the night, but you knew that you still had the entire second half of your day ahead of you to pretend as if he hadn't completely ruined you just meters away from the rest of his hardworking employees.

"at this point, i might as well just be paying to fuck you." he muttered callously, the speed of his hips slowing the slightest bit, each thrust still hitting deep enough for you to feel in your stomach, "then what does that make you, hm? a prostitute? my personal little plaything.."

you strained to vigorously shake your head side to side, fingers aching from how tightly they were clenching around the edge of the desk, your own arousal trailing down between your trembling thighs, hot tears dribbling down your flushed cheeks. you should've felt more inclined to deny his assertion, to prove yourself to be more than just a toy for him to used whenever he desired, when he needed to take out the pent up frustration he saved for your errors and your errors only—but you knew in the back of your mind that you were perfectly content with your position, as immorally lucrative as it was. you would embarrass yourself everyday for the rest of your career if it meant you could experience this at least once more.

"sorry, s-sorry..! oh fuck, sir, 'm so sorry!" the apologies you knew he loved so much spilled from your lips in a pathetic, broken moan, eyes nearly rolling into the back of your head as you held out for a few more mind-numbing moments before cumming around his thick cock.

you barely registered his hand grasping your hair painfully tight as he grunted a few low curses beside your ear, shakily exhaling a sigh when he emptied himself inside you, finally letting you rest back against the hard surface of his desk while you both caught your breath. it was all over far too soon, the intense intimacy that never lasted longer than the half-hour of your lunch break, even though you were sure he could steal you away for far longer without anyone daring to question him.

you wiped at your damp under-eyes with quivering hands, trying to not further disturb your already ruined mascara, swallowing down a whimper when pulled himself out of you and tugged your underwear back into place, readjusting your skirt for you before moving away from your body entirely.

he had already tidied up his own clothes by the time you pushed yourself to stand, that familiar expression of cool indifference having already resettled onto his handsome features. he barely ever let you see his face when he was disciplining you, always making sure you were facing away from him, or that you couldn't lift your head enough to get a good look at his face. it made it all feel so impersonal, inspired something that felt like sadness in the back of your mind, despite how you tried to remind yourself that what you had wasn't true intimacy, and that he could really replace you any day if he felt so inclined to do so.

"go clean up in the bathroom." he said without looking at you, straightening his tie back into place and checking the time on his watch, "you will need to take a call from a new client soon, and it is imperative that you give them the perfect first impression of our company. i expect you to be back here within the next ten minutes." his brow furrowed, the look of someone who'd just thought of something unpleasant flashing across his features when he finally met your gaze. "no more exceptions today."

"yes, sir." you replied obediently, voice hoarse, quickly turning away before the weight of a sudden sadness could show, advancing towards his door as briskly as your state allowed you to. you didn't look back on your way out, even though you so desperately wanted to, maybe deliver a genuine apology now that you knew he was genuinely irritated with you.

but you didn't, and the day continued as it always did, phone calls and document filing keeping you occupied for the rest of your shift, not receiving another word from your boss regarding anything. you tried not to take it personally when he didn't bid you farewell before leaving the building, reminding yourself that it was most likely just the pressure of a busy quarter, cursing yourself for screwing things up and enjoying your momentary bliss before the true consequence of genuine disappointment from nanami anchored you back to the somber reality of your situation.

it was foolish of you to think you'd be anything more than a secretary in his eyes.

[lovelycleon]

So I decided to make an analysis about the last scene of Infinite Darkness

But before I start with the fun part, I just want to tell you that my history with “angst ships”

I had a bad experience with another ship, soul mates full of angst tropes and true love, beautiful... and a really bad ending because the showrunner fought with the actors (I wasted years watching and I regret it).

Anyway, after suffering that kind of pain, no other ships and angst scenes can hit me hard enough. I'm numb or just got used to it. You choose.

So maybe the scene of Leon and Claire's argument wasn't that impactful for me because of that. But for all the fans who felt hurt, I understand and it's okay to feel that way, because the scene was meant to hurt. The scene exists because of that. And your feelings are valid.

So let's get to the fun part.

spoiler alert, it's not that fun, it actually hurts 😅

The scene starts with Leon going to meet Claire at the gates of the White House.

I don't think anyone denies the fact that, whatever Leon is doing, he just wants to protect Claire. And he doesn't want her involved because of it.

But this dialogue makes this even more evident if we analyze how it begins.

Nothing in a show or movie is by accident. Everything is handpicked for one reason or another. The meaning is not always that deep, but there is still a meaning behind it all.

So when – of all the ways a conversation can be started – they decide to make Claire joke that she sneaked out of the hospital, Leon takes it seriously and she has to clarify that it's a joke, there's a reason:

Show that Leon is taking what happened to her too serious, and Claire not that much.

When Claire makes a comment about when he's going to stop treating her like a kid and he says probably never. There's a reason:

Show that Leon wants to protect her (or being overprotective) and Claire doesn't like it.

Of course, some might argue that this specific line is capcom trying to show that their feelings aren't romantic and sink the ship completely. And, ok, people are free to think that.

But if they really wanted to sink cleon forever, they shouldn't have done the scene of Leon saving Claire the way they did. They did it because they knew it would tease a certain part of the fans... They knew exactly what they were doing...

And there's simply no reason to tease a ship you want to sink.

So no, I don't think that's it...

For me the scene means the classic and simple: "stop being worried about me🙄" "noooo🗣️"

Another way to intensify Leon being overprotective is Claire's broken arm. A reminder that she was injured following his plan. Just as she was hurt the last time they saw each other in Harvardville.

And yes, I know Degeneration made Claire hurt to take her out of the action. It is undeniable. But somehow I don't think the same situation and reason applies to Infinite darkness.

Because Claire was already out of combat, following Leon's plan and showing no intention of doing anything different. It's not like she's going to attack the monster that is several platforms higher than where she is. She couldn't fly around and there were no guns where she was anyway.

So why hurt her to get her out of combat if the story itself has already done that?

Again, you are free to think differently. Capcom made Claire dirty, she was underestimated and they wasted her potential. I won't argue with that, I'm also on the team Claire deserves better.

I just don't think it fits this specific situation.

The injured arm is there and a awkward conversation about Leon being overprotective starts because of it. I think it makes sense.

So moving on.

Claire mentions the chip and Leon looks disappointed for a moment and says he thought they were going to dinner.

This is to indicate that he didn't come to see her with the intention of breaking their friendship. Leon just wanted to spend a good time with her and nothing more. Some place a little more normal, maybe?👀

But Claire wants the chip and tells Leon her plan. The same plan that Shen May was killed trying to convince her partner to follow. Is there a parallel here?

The only difference is that Jason broke her neck while Leon decided to break Claire's heart.

Okay now I could show more parallels between them, but I won't because this is already too long and I know maybe I'm reading too much into this. Resident Evil isn't that deep most of the time 😂

Anyway, Claire asked for the chip and Leon said no.

And that's the point, right.

The climax of the conversation and the turning point in their relationship.

Note that Leon took a few seconds to say he couldn't. That was the moment when he made his decision...

He went to meet her for dinner, remember? He didn't expect to have this conversation or make a decision like that. But he had to.

Now, I'm not from the US and I don't trust politicians in general, fiction or not. But I admit this sounds realistic.

Just imagine if the president makes a speech about peace and prosperity and whatever and the next day the media reveals that members of the government are involved in BOW and planning an attack on another country.

At the very least, it won't look good.

In the worst case, it will be a catastrophe 😂

So... I don't agree with Leon, but I understand why he chose this.

It's an important decision, however. And how long it takes him to say something and how he's quiet after saying it shows he knows what's on the line. Not just the security of the country and “peace”, but also his relationship with Claire.

And despite everything... He didn't lie to her.

It would be much easier for Leon to simply say "the chip was destroyed in the fight" when she asked. Claire would never know about it and probably never doubt him. And they would still be fine with each other and having dinner.

But he didn't lie. Why?

Because their relationship is not based on lies. And it's not based on betrayals.

And while it may be hard to believe right now and it hurts to think about it, this relationship is still based on truth and trust in each other. And now their relationship is being tested.

It's easy to trust someone you're on good terms. How hard it must be to trust someone who has let you down.

There is a lot of room for development here.

Obviously Claire felt hurt in this moment. Maybe even betrayed. Heartbroken. I think we all feel that same way.

But Leon played fair there. He said he had the chip, showed it to her, and then said he wouldn't give it to her.

He was honest with her. And this act also shows respect.

They are two people with different points of view and that truth hurts.

There is silence as they look at each other. She never asked his reasons and he obviously never told them. The exchange of glances is enough for them to understand what was happening.

When Claire says “you do things your way and I do mine” it's almost like “do you know what that means? ”

Then Leon nods and another moment of silence. The time they need to accept that the relationship is broken.

Now that's angst

Interesting choice of camera angle. Showing her broken arm as a visual reminder of why he was pushing her away like that.

Claire leaves, but looks back and says again that his outfit doesn't suit him.

What's interesting here is that the director has done a few interviews over the past few weeks and he always said that the suit is a representation of Leon's position in government.

Claire commenting that it doesn't suit him is basically the writers/producers/directors admitting that this position doesn't look good.

And while all the characters praising Leon for his success, Claire is the one who sees this reality and who he truly is out of the suit (position)

And that's good angst.

Claire walks away and Leon with a sad look watching her leave and he has to say to himself "I will stop this".

Could it be just one of his one-lines? Yes.

Could it be a way for him to remind himself why he's doing this, even if it means sacrificing his relationship with Claire?

It's already done, now he has to make it worth it.

Whatever happens after that is a mystery.

I don't think Claire believes that Leon is going to cover up the government's involvement in things (their discussion would be much more intense if that were the case), she probably thinks he's going to resolve it internally without taking anything public, which is precisely what she wants to do.

I also don't think Leon believes Claire is going to give up on the investigation, he probably thinks it's going to take some time to her to get real evidence and he has time to carry out his plans.

But this is capcom... They are masters of forgetting plot points. So who knows.

Angst is only good if it has a good closure. I hope they keep that in mind.

In any other tv show that used this kind of angst trope and drama I would be completely fine...

I would expect a sequel to this plot. The characters find each other unexpectedly, having to work together and acting awkwardly because they don't know how to stick around each other after the argument. Then the story would develop and they would gradually mend their relationship.

That's the trope.

So that's all I can hope for.

[valeskakingdom]

Prologue (part 1)

*2 years ago*

And again, he slapped her face.

His eyes expressed rage, his aggressive breathing signaled his fury, and the hardness of his punches uncovered the disappointment and madness he felt for her. He couldn't restrain himself, he didn't even want to. In his eyes, it was no grievous matter punishing his own flesh and blood like that - after all, it wasn't a triviality she did to him. It was the only thing that made sense, he thought. How else would she ever learn raising her voice against the male human race was a shame? How else would she ever be a well-bred and young lady? He saw no other alternative than that.

She was shocked by her father's action - she couldn't identify him anymore by now. This wasn't her father anymore, she thought, this was a monster - a gruesome creature, which was incapable of having any sentiments and had no shame to lose its decency at any moment.

The pain she felt was almost indescribable. It shot up her cheek like fire. She cringed at every hit whenever his hand somewhat touched her. It exploded in her head with a blinding whiteness. It made her dizzy. It made her reel. The pain was like needles that had been dipped in alcohol and had been jammed through her skin, like her cheek had been replaced with ice and electricity wired straight into her spine.

At every pause her father did and continued screaming, she felt her cheek pumping and a well-defined and conspicuous swelling started to grow. Her skin was damped from all the tears that dropped down from her cheeks, which then hit her clothes. Her neckline was soaked from her tears resembling clothes that were saturated in water. Her whole body shuddered in fear as if electricity streamed through her body. She couldn't stand on her feet right, her knees shook way too much and felt too weak. It felt like she was about to fall down every moment. She had lost control over her body. She couldn't stop sobbing and shaking, even if she wanted to. She was too weak to make a move, too weak to speak; she was afraid of becoming unconscious if her father kept hitting her. It wouldn't last long until she would have lost her conscience.

"If you ever dare to contradict me again in any way, you're for the high jump, clear? Next time, I will not show any kind of mercy and consider you're my daughter. You'll wish you were dead" He threatened her with his deep throaty voice. Through all his anger and madness, his blood rushed through his veins on his head and his skin reddened.

He seized her by a collar again, with all his strength he smashed her back against the white wall. It cracked - the wall was breached so that the wood behind the wallpaper was shown.

She grunted in pain when her head hit the wooden beam and her father released his grip from her. She fell down, her skin was badly scratched by all the splinters; some were even drilled through her pale and soft skin. She couldn't move, her energy disappeared completely - it was briefly enough to breathe somewhat normal. Whenever she was trying to look up to her father, her head gave in and fell back down. It wasn't that different when she tried to stand up - her body gave in, she fell back down in the splinters and her extremities kept shaking. Yet, her eyesight gave in - she was blurred; so much that she perceived intensive colors but no outlines or details anymore. Practically, she was blind.

Also the pain she actually had to feel was gone - she was numb. She felt nothing, not even feelings anymore. There was no sadness, no anger, no anxiety or disappointment in her father. There was just emptiness as if she was a cold stone that was incapable to feel at all.

"I'm disappointed of you, Scarlet. Don't you dare to show up for the rest of the day." Her father shook his head with a loud sigh and left her in her bad circumstances alone.

Her mother showed up, not saying a word - she just glared at her daughter in disappointment and shock. She wasn't even angry that her husband had beaten her to a pulp, oh no, she even agreed with him. Her daughter deserved this kind of punishment, how else would she ever learn from her faults? A stupid child needs to be taught manners with hard measures, she thought, you cannot always cater for its needs. It needs to get the right punishment for what it has done. Sometimes it included harder measures, sometimes not.

"M-mum...h-help me" Scarlet sobbed. She hoped her mother at least took care of her now. She hoped her mother agreed with her, that her father went way too far and beating her to a pulp was a no go.

"No, Scarlet. Not this time" her mother stated "This arose through your own fault" And so her mother stepped away, leaving her all alone.

Scarlet cried, even sobbed and choked.

How could her mother leave her alone in these circumstances? How could she stand by her violent and gruesome father? How could she do that? Didn't she see that her own daughter needed help? Did she forget, her father had beaten her up for a triviality? How could her mother be so cruel? Was Scarlet such a terrible kid that she deserved all the hatred and these kinds of punishments?

Apparently.

***

3am in the morning

Scarlet couldn't sleep.

She was crying still, though she couldn't comprehend her father's actions. She did nothing wrong, she just imparted her opinion to him concerning the importance of homework for school. He wanted her to do the dishes and to clean the house but Scarlet refused. She politely explained the reason why, but promised to do these exercises afterwards. But her father wasn't amused; he started yelling and insulting her for no reason. She didn't know what to say since his overreacting confused her a lot so she tried to calm him down but this all worsened the situation. Whenever she said a word he became more aggressive - and later on, even resorted to violence.

Scarlet didn't want to live like that anymore. She even questioned herself whether her life had a sense or not? She wondered whether she should keep living and live this terrible life or just end it?

She was punished for nothing, for things that might be a natural reaction in every other family - except in hers.

As you can hear, her father was the main problem. He always was, and he'll ever be. Scarlet didn't even care about her mother or her elder brother anymore. Neither of them would stand by her because they all are scared of her father and husband. They would never dare to contradict him in any way because in the end, the same shit would happen to them as it did to Scarlet - and so, they surely didn't risk a thing to make him angry. That was the main reason for everything. That was the main reason why her brother Adrian started studying business administration at a private uni, even though his dreams were to become a doctor. That was the reason why her mother quit her job and became a housewife.

This made Scarlet mad.

Her sadness was gone and she stopped crying immediately, as if someone flipped the switch of her feelings.

She stopped feeling sorry for herself, her point of view changed. Adrenaline rushed through her veins as if she was in a dangerous situation.

She knew something had to be changed - and the desire had chosen her. But what could she do to change this horrible household? Hurting her father? Faking a hostage-taking of her? No, that wasn't good enough. It would probably cause just more problems. But what about killing him, Scarlet thought, it may be hard but it would solve most of all the problems. She'd even benefit from it: no one would ever beat her up anymore, she didn't need to be scared of coming home. She would be free from all her sorrows for the first time.

This feeling she now felt was indescribable. Her pulse was barely palpable. People would think she was dead. Her skin was cold like ice but she was warm at the same time. She felt anemic but simultaneously stronger than ever.

This feeling directly forced her to stand up and think about the best way to kill her father; it blocked her train of thoughts as it blocked her feelings whereby she felt numb. She was incapable of thinking about other stuff like the consequences of eventually killing someone. She gave a damn about the cops that might detain her. She gave a damn about the fact her life might be ruined in the end. She gave a damn about her family and others.

Scarlet was selfish enough to say, now it was time to think of her own needs - and this was to eliminate her main problem.

Thousands of ideas about how to kill her father rushed through her head but nothing of it was perfect enough. The gun he had placed in his cabinet was locked, she thought, besides that a gun was too classy and too obvious. A knife? Too bloody. Strangling him? It would last too long plus her father was way stronger than her. He would rip that rope off his neck and kill Scarlet herself. Slitting his throat? Too much blood. Her mother would wake up if the blood sprinkled on her.

But what about the axe in the shack? A hit on the head and her father was dead. This was perfect, she thought for herself with a smile on her face.

She grabbed her red velvet rope, taking it on and lurked downstairs. Now her pulse was running, more and more adrenaline rushed through her veins and the thought of killing her father with an axe pleased Scarlet a lot. She couldn't stop smirking, she was almost about to laugh.

Downstairs, she peeked through the open bedroom door where her parents used to sleep peacefully - but the room was empty.

Now, Scarlet was panicking. They weren't sleeping. They were awake!

Scarlet cursed for herself, what does she do now? She couldn't wait until they were sleeping, that would last way too long. She had no plan B, not even an idea. What would she say if her parents saw her? That she couldn't sleep because she had a nightmare? That she was hungry? Or that she couldn't sleep? That was ridiculous.

Suddenly she heard noises and saw flickering light that came from the living room. Her parents were in the living room? At 3 am? Maybe they slept in on the couch?

Scarlet tiptoed to the living room frame and saw her parents laying on the couch. They didn't move, they didn't talk. They slept peacefully, hugging each other. Her mother's face was buried in her father's neck and both of their arms were wrapped around each other.

Now, Scarlet quickly made her way to the front door and opened it. The cold wind blew right in her face, she was frozen to the bone. That didn't hold her back though, oh no, she ran outside to the little shack in their garden. She hated the cold weather at all, but why should she quit her plan because of rain and cold wind? No! Nothing could hold her back now. Even with millions of dollars, she wouldn't stop trying to kill her father.

Next to the shack was the small pyre where the axe was placed. It was wet and dirty from the rain and the mud.

Scarlet grabbed the heavy axe, slightly stumbled a few steps before she could run back inside.

She silently closed the front door.

Her feelings changed - she became nervous and panicked. Now she had the chance to kill her father. Now or never. But was she really capable of killing someone? Was she a real murderer? Because of all the hatred she felt for him?

Scarlet looked down at the axe which she still held tight in her hands. Was she that evil? Was she able to come to terms with the death of her father caused by her? Was she such a psycho?

She was.

Scarlet strolled over to the living room, the axe grinded on the floor leaving marks on the wooden ground. Her pulse was running and drops of sweat were dripping down her forehead. Now it was time, she thought, finally I'll be free from all the torture.

Scarlet now carefully separated her parents from each other and positioned them in a sitting posture. Her mother made sudden noises as if she was about to wake up every minute. Scarlet's blood froze in her veins, her pulse ran faster and she started sweating much more than before. She was incapable of moving now, she was thunderstruck. If her mother saw her with the axe, it would be Scarlet's death desire. So she needed to kill her mother, as well? Was that her plan B? Killing both of them?

Now, Scarlet became unsure and started thinking. Could she really do it? Was she that brave? No, she couldn't, could she? Could one human being turn a young girl into a killer? Could one person break another's mind that much?

Yes.

"I wish you sweet dreams, you bastard!" Without thinking any further, just with all the anger and madness she felt for him, Scarlet swung the axe and hit his head.

The sound of how the axe separated his flesh and s gave her chills. It sounded like someone bit into a hard carrot or cracked his knuckles fast in a row. Simultaneously, the sound of the flesh, which was parted in two, resembled the sound of someone that stamped into mud and twisted his foot. His body fell on the ground.

Blood was streaming down his face, on other parts it was splashing like a fountain and hit her mother's face.

Scarlet was shocked and relieved, maybe also kinda shocked. She really did it - she killed her father, the one who caused most of her problems. The one, who treated her like a piece of shit was gone. Forever.

To Scarlet's bad, though, her mother woke up.

"Honey? What time is i-..." Before her mother could end her question, Scarlet splittend her head in two, as well - at least, no one liked any witnesses. She luckily had no chance to see this bloody mess and to scream for help. She luckily had no chance to see that her own daughter had killed her father. Her body collapsed on the ground like a house of cards.

Immediately, she let the axe fall down on the ground and kept staring at her victims.

She couldn't believe it, she killed both. She killed the one who deserved it, and an innocent bystander - someone who wasn't planned to be killed. She was a murderer. An evil creature like her father! But even worse! Now the cops would find her and she'd live the rest of her life in Arkham Asylum with all the other murderers, cannibals and monsters. How could she ever think she was better than her father? She wasn't at all! She was a perfect copy of him.

"Fuck!" She screamed and started crying. She couldn't handle what she had done. You could say, she eventually gave in and admitted it was a huge mistake.

But soon, crying turned into an evil and hysterical laughter. She laughed as if she had heard the funniest joke in the world - she almost behaved psychotic. All her bad thoughts were gone. This guilty feeling disappeared.

No one would control her anymore. No one would treat her like a piece of shit anymore. She was her own boss. No one would abuse or hurt her anymore.

She was free.

Forever.