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iamfitzwilliamdarcy · 7 years ago

Text

Metamorphosis

Summary: Snoke is the only friend young Ben Solo has. (ao3)

"He fears you," Snoke tells him and Ben scoffs.

He is meditating while Snoke prunes the bushes. He cracks an eye open and evaluates the old man.

"The greatest Jedi in the world," he says, "does not fear me."

"He holds you back." Snoke sets his sheers aside and sits down, cross-legged, across from Ben. He reaches out and takes Ben's hands. Ben almost shies away, but he likes Snoke, who's always kind to him, and lets him.

"Close your eyes," Snoke tells him, and Ben obeys. They sit, breathing, and Snoke says, "Feel that? Feel how powerful you are."

Ben lets the Force flow through him. He doesn't feel particularly powerful, but it feels like a friend. It fills him and he feels content. Balanced. It's like an old friend, chattering, as he falls asleep.

"Don't you feel that?" Snoke asks, not interrupting, but there, too. "How present you are in the Force."

Ben feels another presence, one he recognizes, just before he hears his uncle say, "Ben?" and feels his hand on top of his head.

He can feel the worry underneath the fondness, worry that Uncle Luke hides so well. "I've been calling you for supper," Uncle Luke adds.

"I've been meditating," Ben apologizes.

He opens his eyes and Snoke is not there.

************

The others don't eat with him. They didn't play with him, when they were younger. He's sixteen now, and they barely speak to him unless they have to. Uncle Luke always sits with him at meal times, but his brow furrows and he flits around to chat with all his students.

Mom had hoped he'd make friends, when she sent him here, and he knows he's disappointing her, but he did try. Does try. Sometimes. After so many years, there isn't much point.

"Is that why the others don't like me?" he asks Snoke.

Snoke has invited him over for dinner, and Ben sits at his table, copying Jedi text, while Snoke cooks. He thanks the Force he's managed to make at least one friend, even if it wasn't how his parents pictured it.

"What do you feel?" Snoke asks and Ben shrugs.

He doesn't say that he had had friends for a little while, when they were younger. He thinks of the boys who hadn’t minded he was so quiet, hadn’t minded that his Uncle was their Master. They’d drifted, when they got older, around when Snoke started helping Uncle Luke with growing Academy, just because, until they rarely even said hi to Ben these days. He doesn’t tell Snoke because he doesn’t want to imply he is only Ben’s second choice and hurt his feelings.

But he is the only friend Ben has left.

“Focus on your texts,” Snoke tells him, and he sounds as if he knows. “We can discuss them while we eat.”

************

Ben is eight when he joins Uncle Luke's budding school of Jedi. He clings to Dad's hand because Dad seems more resistant to the idea than Mom and tries to pretend he's happy and not scared. Uncle Luke is excited, so Ben should be too.

But he's never lived away from his parents, and he doesn't exactly want to share his uncle with kids he doesn't know. He's more than a little indignant that Uncle Luke wants to bring new kids into this when they were perfectly happy before--Dad telling wild stories and Mom correcting him on basically everything and rolling her eyes commiseratively at Ben and Dad and Uncle Luke taking him flying and Uncle Luke teaching him how to use the Force, just simple exercises, without anyone else around.

He's overheard his parents arguing about him, on and off for months.

“Even you must sense how strong he is,” Mom tells Dad, exasperated. “I am not trained in the Force. That was my choice. But I can’t help him the way Luke can.”

“And if he doesn’t want to be a Jedi?” Dad shoots back and Mom throws up her hands.

“Then he doesn’t have to be! But we can’t hold him back from at least trying.” She calms herself and asks, “Han, what are you really afraid of?”

He murmurs something back Ben can’t hear, but he can feel his father’s worry.

“Oh, Han,” his mother sighs and moves to wrap her arms around him. He returns the hug, resting his chin on her head. “You know he’ll be safe with Luke.”

Ben sneaks away, wonders, even after they leave him, what Dad could possibly be so worried about.

Three weeks in, Ben decides Dad might just be worried they’d miss each other. Because Ben aches with homesickness, wishing Dad were here to tease him, wishing he could feel Mom’s presence again.

He hopes they miss him just as much.

************

“You’re wrong,” he tells Snoke several days later, lounging in his chambers.

Snoke looks up from his reading. “Am I? About what this time?”

“Uncle Luke doesn’t fear me,” Ben says. “He loves me.”

“Dear boy,” Snoke says, almost scoffing, “One is certainly able to do both.”

************

Snoke joins the Jedi Academy on Ben’s thirteenth birthday. His parents have come for a visit, and Uncle Luke is away when they arrive. Ben doesn’t mind, because he hasn’t seen Mom and Dad in almost a year, and he wants them to himself for a while.

Ben’s almost taller than Mom now, and she comments on it when she hugs him. Draws back to study his face and then kisses his cheek. He whines, but no one’s around, and he doesn’t really mind so much. Dad hugs him too, squeezes him tight, tighter even than any of Chewie’s hugs, so tight Ben gasps he can’t breath. Dad lets go and ruffles his hair. Says, “Sorry, kid, I just missed ya.”

Ben dances back, his eyes shining, and says, “I’ll show you around!” He leads them through the dining hall, to his chambers, which are immaculate (Mom raises her eyebrows pointedly at Dad, who folds his arms and pointedly ignores it), to the outdoor area, where Lorna Smelak, playing with a couple of the others, smiles and waves, and Damon Ta’ala, practicing his forms, breaks his concentration to shout out a greeting.

(Ben pretends he doesn’t see the pleased look Mom and Dad exchange, the look that says they’re relieved because their son actually managed to find a couple friends.)

He saves the best for last and takes them to the gardens, to his favorite meditation spot. Before they can reach the spot, though, they are stopped by Uncle Luke. He’s walking in the gardens, hands grasped loosely behind his back, relaxed, chatting with a man who feels familiar to Ben.

Uncle Luke grins when he senses them, turns before Ben can call out to him, and beckons them over. He kisses Mom’s cheek and lets Dad clap him on the back. Dad calls Uncle Luke “kid” too, and Ben doesn’t get it. Ben isn’t a kid anymore, either, but Uncle Luke is even less of one; anyway, Ben is at least Dad’s actual kid.

“Ben, come here,” Uncle Luke draws him forward. “Have you met Snoke, yet? He is not a Jedi, but he is strong and skilled in the Force. He has agreed to become our gardener and to provide us with insights into the Force, to help teach.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Ben says politely, and Snoke smiles at him.

“Luke,” Mom interrupts, “We have to talk about the--,” and Uncle Luke rolls his eyes.

“I know, I know,” he cuts her off. “My apologies,” he adds to Snoke and then to Ben, “Perhaps you could entertain our new friend?”

Ben doesn’t get a chance to agree before Mom pulls Uncle Luke away. Dad follows casting, glances at Snoke, telling Ben they’ll see him for dinner.

“Well, Young Solo,” Snoke says, and smiles again. “Happy birthday.”

************

“My father,” Ben tells Snoke in the gardens, “is not a Jedi. He is not even Force Sensitive.”

“Your uncle is strong in the Force,” Snoke reminds him gently.

They’re sitting on a bench, Ben taking a break from school work, Snoke from his gardening, and basking in the sun.

“My mother too,” Ben says. “Though she did not complete her training. I feel her present in the Force, the most, the strongest. Uncle Luke I feel next.”

“Master Luke,” Snoke corrects. He leans back and closes his eyes. “Your bloodlines are good. I have seen much in my time, seen the rise and the fall of Light and Dark, of the Republic, of the Empire. You, my child, are by far the strongest I have ever met.”

Ben blinks in surprise. He knows that Snoke believes him to be strong, knows this is why he insists Uncle Luke holds him back, but strongest Snoke has ever met? Ben shakes his head, and Snoke smiles.

“You do not believe me?” he asks. “I have met Vader himself, and even he, your grandfather, could not compare to you.”

Ben sits upright, quickly, heart pounding. “What did you say?” he demands.

Snoke blinks his eyes open, says, innocently, “Even Darth Vader himself was not as strong as you, Ben.”

Ben says, “You called him my grandfather.”

“Did you not know that?” Snoke asks, face twisting in confusion.

************

Uncle Luke is with some of his very young students, laughing, when Ben tugs him away. His smile twists into a frown, sensing Ben’s distress, and he asks what’s wrong.

“Is it true?” Ben asks. “Is Darth Vader my grandfather?”

Uncle Luke looks at him a long time before nodding. “We should talk about this,” he says. “But your mother should be here too.”

“You should have told me,” he says, feels the fury rising in him. The Force, the Power, the anger, the Rage.

“Ben,” Uncle Luke says, glancing back at the younglings, who are huddling close to each other, watching them. Ben can feel the fear rise up in them, and marvels, for a moment, that it’s at him. It’s squashed down by anger at being lied to, by anger at Uncle Luke caring more about them than him.

He turns and leaves, doesn’t turn back even when Uncle Luke calls for him to. He doesn’t go back to Snoke. He just wants to be alone.

************

“Am I much like him?”

Uncle Luke pauses a long time. Says, “You’re much like your mother.�� He reaches out and pats Ben’s knee. “And you have your father’s heart.”

************

“It’s not your fault they lied to you,” Snoke says when Ben finally manages to muster up the strength to show his face again.

Ben shakes his head. He knows this, but he still feels dumb, even with Uncle Luke’s gentle words in his head.

Mom hasn’t made any effort to talk to him in the week that’s passed. He doesn’t know if he wants to hear from her, but he’s mad she won’t even give him the opportunity to tell her so.

“It’s alright to be angry,” Snoke adds. He rests his hands on Ben’s shoulders. “You can use that.”

“I don’t know how,” Ben admits, and Snoke says, “Maybe it’s time for you to move on. Find a new Master.”

“Where?” Ben asks, feeling desperate. “To whom would I go?”

“You have me,” Snoke tells him. He steps away and adds, “When you are ready.”

Ben chews on his lip. He is sure they kept this from him for a reason but—

“I understand if you don’t want to leave your uncle yet,” Snoke adds. “I understand what a…difficult place you are in. But I do want you to know, to truly know, how special you are. We can take it slow. He wouldn’t have to know.”

Ben looks up. Snoke has sat down, but is still leaning forward, earnestly, and Ben smiles at him. There is someone who cares, at least, who has never lied to him.

“Okay,” Ben agrees.

Snoke reaches out and squeezes his hand; there’s something sharp in his eyes when he says,, “Thank you for entrusting me with your learning. I have taught many students, but you have power beyond imagining.”

Ben’s smile deepens, his face flushes, and he glances down, pleased.

“Tomorrow, when your lessons with Skywalker are done, come to me.”

And Ben nods.

************

Uncle Luke doesn’t train him the next day. He pulls Ben aside while he lets the others his age spar. He looks at Ben, but his attention is partially on the other students; he’s watching them even from their distance.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ben asks, heading off wherever it is Uncle Luke wants to start.

Uncle Luke picks at a blade of grass. “Your mother--,” he starts, and Ben snaps, “Don’t put all the blame on her just because she isn’t here. You made a choice too.”

Uncle Luke nods. “I am not blaming your mother at all. I just mean to…contextualize. Our decision.”

Ben nods, but he doesn’t look at Uncle Luke. He gazes off watching the others spar, wishing he could be with them instead of having this conversation. His jaw is clenched and tight, and he startles when Uncle Luke touches his arm.

“Ben,” he says gently. “I understand you are angry. Will you please try to relax? This is not an easy discussion to have as it is.”

Ben wants to snap “For me or for you?” but he controls himself. Closes his eyes and draws in a few deep breaths, the way Uncle Luke has taught him. He doesn’t let go of his anger, but he relaxes a fraction and turns to face his uncle, who gives him a small, encouraging smile.

“There,” Uncle Luke says. He leans back and begins again. “Darth Vader is your grandfather.”

“You told me my grandfather was Anakin Skywalker.”

“He is,” Uncle Luke agrees. “His name is Anakin. He succumbed to the Dark and became Darth Vader. Before he died, he turned back, away from the Dark. It was a…challenge for your mother to reconcile him as her father. She didn’t get the chance to see him again, after he turned back.”

“Is she coming here?” Ben asks. “To tell me herself?”

Uncle Luke hesitates and Ben says, “I see.”

“You know she will when she can,” Uncle Luke insists.

“And not a moment sooner,” Ben quotes, his voice controlled and empty. He stands. “Can I leave?”

Uncle Luke looks up at him for a long moment before nodding.

************

“Whenever you need me,” Mom tells him. “I’ll be there. I’ll come right back. The moment you need me. Not a moment later.”

Ben’s almost six, clinging to her dress because she’s off to work and leaving him behind. “Daddy will be here,” she reminds him, wiping the tears off his face. “And I won’t be long.”

He nods and she kisses his cheek before he lets Dad scoop him up.

Three years later, when he’s already been with Uncle Luke a few months, he asks Dad, when he and Mom are visiting, “Can I come home? If I stop liking it?”

“You can come home whenever you want,” Dad tells him. But he and Mom exchange glances. Dad continues, earnest, “You know you can call us if something’s wrong. We’ll be here as soon as we can.”

“And not a moment later,” Mom adds.

************

He doesn’t tell Uncle Luke about his lessons with Snoke. Not even when he asks where Ben has learned a particular spar move or compliments him on how well he’s been managing his disappointment in his parents.

Snoke never outright says that he shouldn’t tell Uncle Luke, but Ben feels it implicitly. Not even that he’d be betraying Uncle Luke or risk hurting his feelings—there’s just something there. Something Uncle Luke would think is wrong. Ben doesn’t quite understand, but he keeps his mouth shut and continues seeing his friend.

************

“You spend much time with your friend Snoke,” Uncle Luke says one night, nearly six months later, at dinner. “And very little time with any of your peers.”

“Snoke likes me,” Ben says back, eyes fixed on his food. “Why does it matter?”

“I worry,” Uncle Luke says, slowly, like he’s choosing his words delicately, “that you spend so much time alone. I worry you are unhappy.”

“You chose Snoke,” Ben says, looking up to meet his uncle’s intense gaze. “You brought him here. If you trust him, why can’t I?”

“I didn’t say you can’t trust him,” Uncle Luke says, his hands going up defensively. “I only meant—that I care for you, Ben, and I just want you to exercise…caution. In all your relations.”

“He doesn’t trust me,” Ben rants to Snoke later. “He doesn’t listen.”

“I understand,” Snoke says. Pauses. “Do you believe me now? That he’s afraid of your power?”

Ben’s mouth twists into a frown and Snoke pats his shoulder.

“Never you mind,” he says. Then, “I sense something stirring in you. What’s troubling you?”

“The dreams again,” Ben admits after a long moment. He hasn’t told Uncle Luke about the dreams that have been plaguing him for weeks, is sure he would just dismiss them. Or, worse, is afraid he’d think something is wrong with Ben, would maybe even send him away. But Snoke listens and doesn’t seem afraid.

“What is it this time?”

“Different,” Ben says, pausing. “No death, no destruction this time. Only—a man. He was blonde,” he adds. “Shaggy hair. He reminded me of Uncle Luke but—he felt different. He called my name, but I was afraid, and wouldn’t let him come close.”

Snoke frowns, and Ben flinches away from the anger he feels suddenly. “I’m sorry,” he blurts, not used to Snoke being mad at him.

Snoke stills, and shakes his head. Pats Ben’s shoulder again. “Nevermind,” he says. Then, voice grave, “Keep this to yourself. Talk only to me of it. Remember, I am your Master now. Skywalker need not know any of this. He’ll only pull you away from me.”

“He tried, today,” Ben admits. He hadn’t wanted to tell Snoke but he feels compelled now. “He seems concerned that we are such good friends. He said so himself. That I spend too much time with you and should exercise caution.”

Snoke’s face twists and Ben takes a step back. “I told him--,”

But Snoke waves a hand. “You did well, my young apprentice. You did well. Your Uncle conspires against me.” He looks sharply at Ben. “The time may be coming soon where your loyalties will be tested. Can you assure me where yours lay?”

“With you,” Ben says. “Of course.”

“You still love your Uncle too much,” Snoke sneers, moving closer to Ben. “But you will see. You will see what he is. And I only hope it will not be too late for you when you do.”

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” Ben says, confused.

“Let’s hope so,” Snoke says. “For your sake.”

He sighs after a moment, relaxes, and says, voice much gentler, “Go get some rest. I sense you will need it.”

Ben nods and starts to leave, but Snoke calls him back. He reaches out, rests his hand on Ben’s cheek, like Dad does sometimes, when he hasn’t seen Ben in a long time, when he’s feeling sentimental. “Be careful,” Snoke says. “And be safe.”

************

It’s months later, and Ben has just turned seventeen. Snoke’s dire predictions haven’t come true yet, and even though Uncle Luke watches Ben, with a look in his eyes, he doesn’t push about Snoke again.

Ben lulls himself into a sense of security. While there’s still a part of him that fears Uncle Luke would send him or Snoke away, would be ashamed of them, and while he knows that Uncle Luke can be wrong about things, he is also certain Uncle Luke wouldn’t hurt him.

He stills feel his loyalties split. Snoke has been urging him to commit fully to him, but part of him still feels like he’d be betraying Uncle Luke and his parents if he did. He’s not sure why exactly because Snoke has only helped him and his family, but—

He dreams still and sleeps poorly.

The blonde man doesn’t come back until a week after his birthday. His dreams are tormented, there is fire and death only. Someone familiar keeps calling out to him, and then the man appears. The other voice still calls, but the man comes forward and he smiles at Ben. It feels genuine, kind.

He says, “Ben,” with warmth and reaches out to Ben just as chaos explodes around him and Ben’s eyes fly open.

He’s washed in a green light and for a moment, he doesn’t know where he is. Then realization floods through him and he shudders, gasps. Uncle Luke is here to kill him.

He can’t think straight. When he was five, Uncle Luke had kissed his skinned knees to make them better. When he was eight and couldn’t control his powers, Uncle Luke sat down and coached him in meditation, in listening to the Force, with his gentle voice and teasing smile. He had helped him gang up on Dad when they had weekend flying trips on the Falcon and hugged him when he felt homesick, away from Mom and Dad, in the beginning.

He acts on instinct, calls his own saber to him, and then, when Uncle Luke says his name, brings the walls down.

And then he runs. If he doesn’t have Uncle Luke—

He stumbles into Snoke’s quarters, and Snoke is already awake.

“You were right,” he gasps, and it comes out choked. “Uncle Luke—you were right.”

“Oh, dear Ben,” Snoke says, his voice sympathetic. “I told you. If you had only listened, I could have kept you safe.”

He doesn’t mean to cry, but he’s heaving shuddering sobs. “I have--,” he starts. Stops and starts again, “I have to holo my parents—they’ll--,”

Snoke slaps Ben across the face. Hard. Ben doesn’t expect it, stumbles back a few feet, his own hand rising to the stinging cheek. The tears don’t stop, but he manages to suppress the sobs.

“You stupid, weak, pathetic boy,” Snoke seethes, and Ben flinches away from the words. “Don’t you think your parents know? Do you think your uncle would act without their consent? They are not on your side.”

Ben shudders a little when the truth of it sets in. Anytime his parents are here, they confer, in whispers, with Uncle Luke. Uncle Luke values their advice above all else.

“I have no one,” he realizes aloud. He sinks to the ground and feels very small.

Snoke reaches for him again, and Ben flinches, but this time, when he cups Ben’s still red, still stinging cheek, his touch is gentle. His gaze intense, he says, “You have me. But I need to know if I have your loyalty.”

“You do,” Ben says, staring up at him, feeling a little desperate.

“Will you do what I ask of you?” Snoke demands. “And trust your Master?”

“Yes,” Ben swears, and Snoke nods.

“Leave Ben behind,” Snoke says. “You are Kylo Ren now, and I will make you great. Greater, even, than Vader. This is your destiny.”

Ben nods, still on his knees, staring up at his Master.

“Then go,” Snoke says. “Destroy this place. You will find some of your fellow students are loyal to me. Invite the others to join. Kill the ones who don’t.”

Ben startles, trembles at the thought and Snoke pats his cheek. “Oh, darling boy,” he says. “They will kill you for Skywalker. You are only defending yourself. You will learn, in time, that some deaths are necessary.”

Ben nods, closes his eyes, and draws in a deep breath. He stands, ignites his saber, and, with Snoke guiding him, Kylo Ren turns to face his destiny.

#ben solo #snoke #star wars #luke skywalker #the last jedi #the force awakens #sequel trilogy #fanfic tag #my fic #snoke is creepy af #katie's adventures in writing

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