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user-2-electric-boogaloo · 4 years ago

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A Comparison of RTD and Steven Moffat: Saving The Day

So for this analysis I’m going to compare when Moffat and RTD save the day well and when they save it poorly. There are a few bits of criteria I need to explain.

First I will only be including main series, no Torchwood, no spin-offs, and no mini episodes.

Second, I have to define what makes a good and a bad ending (my examples will come from episodes written by neither of them):

Bad endings include when the sonic saves the day (see The Power Of Three) (there are exceptions, see below), when a character spouts some useless technobabble that doesn’t make any scientific sense/when it doesn’t make logical sense in general, when the Doctor invents/presents a machine/equipment that miraculously stops the baddy and is never referred to again (see Journey To The Centre Of The TARDIS), and any other ending I deem to be bad (see The Vampires of Venice)

Good endings include when the sonice activates a device that has been well established to save the day, when technobabble is used that actually makes some scientific sense, and just generally when the baddy is destroyed in what I deem to be a creative manner that makes sense with all the things that had been set up in that episode (see The Unquiet Dead).

There will also be cases where there isn’t really a day to be saved, however this happens more often with Moffat.

Let us begin (obviously there will be spoilers but the last episode in the list aired nearly 4 years ago so what you doing with your life).

RTD:

Rose: Bad

What even is anti-plastic?! Like seriously, he’s faced the Autons loads of times and has never thought to use it any other time.

The End Of The World: Bad

The Doctor just goes up to the appearance of the repeated meme (ha meme) and rips its arm off. He then just summons Cassandra back by twisting a knob which apparently everyone can do if “you’re very clever like me”.

Aliens Of London/World War Three: Good

Just nuking them all was a bit dodgy but I’ll give it to him purely because it had been set up earlier in the episode and it is a genuine option that could have been taken.

The Long Game: Good

The heating issue was set up within 2 minutes of the episode starting. It’s always good to see the Doctor using his enemies weakness against them.

Boom Town: Good

Only just. It’s technology that hadn’t been showcased ever before and came out of nowhere, but I’m allowing purely because it was setting up The Parting Of The Ways.

Bad Wolf/The Parting Of The Ways: Good

See above. It was set up the story before so it works.

The Christmas Invasion: Bad

This was so close to being good. If RTD had just let the Sycorax leader be honourable then everything would have been fine. Instead he had to let him be dishonourable and then the Doctor through the Satsuma at a random button that for no apparent reason caused a bit of floor to fall away.

New Earth: Bad

It only makes sense if you think about it for less than 10 seconds as just pouring every cure to every disease ever into a giant tub and then spraying said supercure onto them all, then having them hug each other to pass it on. That is suspending my disbelief just a bit too far.

Tooth And Claw: Good

Everything is set up in the episode so I’ll allow it but I fail to see how Prince Albert had the time to ensure that the diamond was cut perfectly.

Love And Monsters: Bad

It’s Love And Monsters. Need I say more?

Army of Ghosts/Doomsday: Good

It was very clearly set up throughout the episode.

The Runaway Bride: Bad

I don’t like how a few bombs can supposedly drain the entire Thames.

Smith And Jones: Good

All the events were well established

Gridlock: Good

It’s a fairly bland way to save the day, just opening the surface to all the drivers. But how else could he have done it?

Utopia/The Sound Of Drums/Last Of The Time Lords: Bad

As much as I like the idea that he tuned himself into the archangel network, he basically turned into Jesus. It is arguably the least convincing ending in modern Doctor Who history.

Voyage Of The Damned: Bad

Why was he the next highest authority? If he’s the highest authority in the universe why didn’t they default to him in the first place? If not then why not default to Midshipman Frame? And if he’s somehow in between them then why? Also Astrid killed herself for no reason when she easily could have jumped out of the forklift.

Partners In Crime: Good

It works in the context of the episode, but I don’t see why they needed two of the necklace things.

Midnight: Good

It’s human nature, you can’t get more well set up than that.

Turn Left: Good

It works logically

The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End: Bad

Donna just spouts a load of technobabble whilst pressing buttons and then the Daleks are magically incapacitated.

The Next Doctor: Bad

Why do the infostamps sever Hartigan’s connection with the Cyberking? As far as I remember it ain’t explained.

Planet Of The Dead (co-written with noted transphobe Gareth Roberts): Good

A good couple scenes are dedicated on getting the anti-gravs set up.

The Waters Of Mars (co-written with Phil Ford): N/A

The day isn’t really saved cause everyone still dies anyway.

The End Of Time: Good

Using a gun to destroy a machine is much better than using the sonic to destroy it.

Summary for RTD:

Out of 24 stories written by him, I deem 10 to be bad endings with 1 abstaining. That’s 41.7% of his episodes (43.5% if we don’t count any abstaining).

Steven Moffat:

The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances: Good

You’ll see this a lot with Moffat, he knows how to explain things without stupefying levels of technobabble. “Emailing the upgrade” is a perfect example of this.

The Girl In The Fireplace: Good

Some basic logic, the androids want to repair their ship, but they can’t return to it, they no longer have a function so they shut down.

Blink: Good

Always loved this one, getting the angels to look at each other, however they do look at each other sometimes earlier in the episode.

Silence In The Library/Forest Of The Dead: Bad

This is more of a problem with the setup of the episode, I don’t like that he can negotiate with the Vashta Nerada. I’d rather see them comprehensively beaten, but I guess it’s good for the scare factor that they can’t be escaped from.

The Eleventh Hour: Good

He convinced the best scientists all around the world to set every clock to 0 all in less than an hour. In the Doctor’s own words “Who da man!”

The Beast Below: Good

The crying child motif pretty much ended up saving the day (well for the star whale, life went on as normal for pretty much everyone else).

The Time Of Angels/Flesh And Stone: Good

The artificial gravity had briefly been set up earlier so I’ll allow it.

The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang: Good

Everything had been set up perfectly, the vortex manipulator, the Pandorica’s survival field thingy, the TARDIS exploding at every moment in history.

A Christmas Carol: Good

Literally the entire episode is the Doctor saving the day by convincing Kazran not to be a cock.

The Impossible Astronaut/Day Of The Moon: Good

The silence’s ability to influence people is their whole thing, so using it against them is a good Doctory thing to do.

A Good Man Goes To War: N/A

The day isn’t really saved, Melody is lost, but River shows up at the end so is all fine? I love the episode it’s just the day isn’t really truly saved (yes I know Amy was rescued but she still lost her baby).

Let’s Kill Hitler: N/A

There isn’t really a day to be saved. They all get out alive but no one is really saved other than maybe River but we all knew she was gonna live anyway.

The Wedding Of River Song: Good

Whilst opinion is divided on the episode, the ending still works. the Tesseracta was established in Let’s Kill Hitler, and the “touch River and time will move again” was established well in advance.

The Doctor, The Widow And The Wardrobe: Bad

I don’t like how the lifeboat travels through the time vortex for no reason but to rescue the dad. It don’t make no sense and I don’t think it’s explained

Asylum Of The Daleks: Good

Oswin had access to the Dalek hive mind so of course she should be able to link into the controls and blow everything up.

The Angels Take Manhattan: Good

Paradoxes really do be something powerful, and they even acknowledge how nobody knows if it’d work so I’ll let it slide.

The Snowmen: Bad

Lots of people cry at Christmas, why are the Latimers anything special?

The Bells of Saint John: Good

The whole episode is about hacking so why shouldn’t the Doctor be able to hack the spoonheads

The Name Of The Doctor: Good

It was the story arc for the season pretty much, so of course it was explained well in advance.

The Day Of The Doctor: Good

Both the storing Gallifrey like a painting and the making everyone forget if they’re Human or Zygon works in the context of the episode.

The Time Of The Doctor: Bad

Since when were the Time Lords so easily negotiated with?

Deep Breath: Good

I like the dilemma over whether the half-face man was pushed or jumped.

Into The Dalek: Good

It’s set up well with this new Doctor’s persona of actually not being too nice of a guy (at first).

Listen: N/A

There isn’t a day to be saved. It’s just 45 minutes of the Doctor testing a hypothesis and I low-key love it.

Time Heist (co-written with Steven Thompson): Good

It works logically so I’ll allow it however it isn’t very well set up at all.

The Caretaker (co-written with noted shithead Gareth Roberts): Good

The machine to tell the Blitzer what to do was set up well in advance so I’ll allow it.

Dark Water/Death In Heaven: Good

The fact that Danny still cares even as a cyberman is set up fairly early on after his transformation.

Last Christmas: Good

He does use the sonic to wake up Clara but he convinces the others to wake up through talking so I’ll allow it.

The Magician’s Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar: Good

It’s set up well with that little scene from actually inside the sewers.

The Girl Who Died (co-written with Jamie Mathieson): Good

IDK why the vikings would randomly keep electric eels but they’re set up well so I’ll ignore it.

The Zygon Inversion (co-written with Peter Harness): N/A

Not including this one as it’s only the second part and I’d argue the ending is most likely Harness’.

Heaven Sent/Hell Bent: N/A

Again there isn’t really a day to be saved, yes Heaven Sent really is amazing but it’s only the first part and, being completely honest, he dies several billion times before finally getting through the wall.

The Husbands Of River Song: N/A

Again there isn’t really a day to be saved here.

The Return Of Doctor Mysterio: Good

He gets Grant to catch the bomb which is good. But he does just sonic the gun out of Dr Sim’s hand and says UNIT is on its way which just sort of wraps it up very quickly.

The Pilot: N/A

No day to be saved here.

Extremis: Good

You could technically call it the sonic saving the day, I consider it to be the Doctor emailing the Doctor to warn him of the future.

The Pyramid At The End Of The World: Good

The fire sanitising everything makes sense and it’s in character for Bill to love the Doctor enough to cure his blindness in return for the world

World Enough And Time/The Doctor Falls: Good

Yes it is the sonic just blowing the cybermen up, but it’s blowing them up with well established pipelines so I’ll allow it (also the story is amazing).

Twice Upon A Time: N/A

No day to be saved here. Just Doctors 1 and 12 getting angsty about regenerating.

Summary for Steven Moffat:

Out of 39 stories written by him, I deemed 4 to be bad with 7 abstaining. That’s 10.3% of his episodes (12.5% if we don’t count any abstaining).

Conclusions:

Moffat was much better at saving the day than RTD

Moffat liked telling stories where the day didn’t actually need to be saved

I’ve spent way too long on this and I need to sleep

If I spent as much time on this as my coursework I’d probably pass

If you’re still reading this, you probably need to get a life

#doctor who #steven moffat #rtd #in case you can't tell I really don't like RTD #Remember the Superwholock days when everyone ripped the shit out of Moffat #what am I doing with my life #tardis #rose tyler #martha jones #donna noble #amy pond #rory pond #rory williams #river song #clara oswald #Bill Potts

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katherinemallory · 4 years ago

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#BondTrivia: M

You know, I have spent a lot of days recently doing the research for my MA thesis. To cut a long story short: I am writing about James Bond films and the way they reflect the changing times.

It turns out that I've had no idea about some of the facts in relation to both the literary and the cinematic M.

The first Head of the real-life MI6 was Sir Mansfield George Smith-Cumming. He became known as "C", because he sometimes signed documents using only this letter (standing for "Cumming"). Until today, “C” is the codename for the Head of MI6, although nowadays it means “Chief”. And now we know what “C” stands for.

Ian Fleming chose the initial "M" for the fictional Head of MI6, because he used to call his mother using that letter (she was one of the few people who actually scared him). If the idea of "M" is somehow resembling a "mother", then the mother-son relationship portrayed in Skyfall and other references from Judi Dench's tenure as M make even more sense...

Fleming’s novel The Man with the Golden Gun reveals that the full name of M is Sir Miles Messervy. However, “M” is an acronym for “Missions”, as he is the Head of Missions Department.

If we analyze the films, we never get to know the name of the character(s) played by Bernard Lee and Robert Brown. I guess we can assume this is Sir Miles Messervy (although I've read a theory that Brown's M is possibly named Admiral Marian Hargreaves - the character played by Brown in The Spy Who Loved Me). Also, this film hints that the first name of Lee's M is Miles.

One of the ending scenes in Skyfall informs us of the name used by Judi Dench's M - it's Olivia Mansfield (you can spot it when Bond receives a box he has inherited from her). Pay attention to the fact that "Mansfield" is the first name of the first real-life Head of MI6.

Skyfall also introduces Gareth Mallory, portrayed by Ralph Fiennes, who becomes the next M.

Just as it has been in real life, the initial used by the Head of MI6 in the Bond films is the first letter of the character’s surname (even though the novels explain that “M” stands for “Missions”, as I have mentioned above).

I've never noticed it before and I just love the fact that the films are so consistent about it!

Messervy - Mansfield - Mallory

Mind blown! 😍

#m #ma thesis #james bond #bond james bond #MI6 #c #spectre quote #ian fleming #skyfall #bernard lee #robert brown #judi dench #ralph fiennes #sir miles messervy #olivia mansfield #gareth mallory #admiral marian hargreaves #trivia

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erictmason · 4 years ago

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The Road To “Godzilla VS. Kong”, Day Four

(Sorry for the delay on this one, Life proved just a bit too busy the other day to finish it; my “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” review is gonna be pushed back as a result too. But! No worries, on we go. ^_^)

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (2017

Director: Jordan Vogt-Roberts

Writers: Dan Gilroy, Max Borenstein, Derek Connolly, John Gatins

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, John Goodman, John C. Reilly

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Technically speaking, Gareth Edwards’ “Godzila” from 2014 was the first entry in what is now generally referred to as “The Monsterverse”, an attempt by Warner Bros. Studios and Legendary Pictures to do a Marvel Studios-style series of various interconnected movies (and which, like most such attempts to cash in on that particular trend, hasn’t really panned out; “Godzilla VS. Kong” seems likely to be its grand finale as far as movies are concerned, the only two “names” it had going for it are Godzilla and Kong themselves, and even at its most successful it was never exactly a Powerhouse Franchise). But the thing is, when that movie was made, the idea of a “Monsterverse” did not yet exist; it was only well after the fact that Legendary and Warner Bros. got the idea to turn a new “Kong” project into the building block of a Shared Universe of their own that they could connect with the 2014 “Godzilla”, with a clear eye on getting to remake one of the most singularly iconic (and profitable) Giant Monster Movies of all time. As you might guess from that description, however, said “Kong” project also had not originally been intended for such a purpose; it would not be until 2016 that it would be retooled from its original purpose (a prequel to the original “King Kong” titled simply “Skull Island”) into its present form, which goes out of its way to reference Monarch, the monster-tracking Science organization seen over in 2014’s “Godzilla” and which includes a very obviously Marvel-inspired post-credits stinger explicitly tying Kong and Godzilla’s existences together.

The resulting film is fun enough, all things told, but that graft is also really, distractingly obvious.

Honestly, I wish I knew why I’m not, generally, fonder of “Skull Island” than I am. It’s not as if, taken as a whole, it does anything especially bad; indeed it does a great deal that is actively good. Consider, for example, the rather unique choice to make it a Period Piece; that’s decently rare for a Monster Movie as it is (indeed one of the only other examples that springs to mind for me is Peter Jackson’s 2005 remake of “King Kong”, which chose to retain the original’s 1933 setting), and it’s rarer still that the era it chooses to inhabit is an immediately-post-Vietnam 1970’s. Aesthetically speaking, the movie takes a decent amount of fairly-obvious influence from that most classic of Vietnam-era films, “Apocalypse Now” (a fact that director Jordan Vogt-Roberts was always fairly open about), and it results in some of the movie’s strongest overall imagery (in particular a shot of Kong, cast in stark silhouette, standing against the burning sun on the horizon with a fleet of helicopters approaching him, one of a surprisingly small number of times the movie plays with visual scale to quite the same degree or with quite the same success as “Godzilla” 2014). It also means the movie is decked out in warm, lush colors that really do bring out all the personality of its Jungle setting in the most compelling way and, given how important the setting is to the film as a whole, that proves key; Skull Island maybe doesn’t become a character in its own right the way the best settings should (too much of our time is spent in fairly indistinct forests especially), but it does manage to feel exciting and unusual in the right ways more often than not. The “Apocalypse Now” influence also extends to our human cast, which is sizeable enough here (in terms of major characters we need to pay attention to played by notable actors, “Skull Island” dwarfs “Godzilla” 2014 by a significant margin) that the framework it provides-a mismatched group defined by various interpersonal/intergenerational tensions trying to make their way through an inhospitable wilderness, ostensibly in search of a lost comrade-is decently necessary. Though here we already run into one of those aspects of “Skull Island” that doesn’t quite land for me. Taken as a whole, it sure feels like the human characters here should be decently interesting; certainly, our leads are all much better defined and more engagingly performed than Ford Brody, to draw the most immediately obvious point of comparison. Brie Larson (as journalistic Anti-War photographer Mason Weaver), Tom Hiddleston (as former British Army officer turned Gun For Hire James Conrad), and John C. Reilly (as Hank Marlow, a World War II soldier stranded on Skull Island years ago) definitely turn in decently strong performances; I wouldn’t call it Career Best work for any of them (Hiddleston especially feels like he’s on auto-pilot half the time, while Larson has to struggle mightily against how little the script actually gives her to work with when you stop and look at it) but they at least prove decently enjoyable to watch (Reilly especially does a solid job of making his character funny without quite pushing him over the edge into Total Cartoon Territory). I likewise feel like Samuel L. Jackson’s Preston Packard has the potential to be a genuinely-great character; his lingering resentment at the way the Vietnam War played out and the way that feeds into his determination to find and defeat Kong is, again, a clever and compelling use of the 70’s period setting, it gives us a good, believable motivation with a clear and strong Arc to it, and Jackson does a really solid job of playing his Anger as genuine and poignant rather than simply petulant or crazed. But there’s just too much chaff amongst the wheat, too much time and energy devoted to characters and ideas that don’t have any real pay-off. This feels especially true of John Goodman’s Bill Randa, the Monarch scientist who arranges the whole expedition; the Monarch stuff in general mostly feels out of place, but Randa in particular gets all of these little notes and beats that seem meant to go somewhere and then just kind of don’t. Which is kind of what happens with most of the characters in the movie, is the thing; we spend a lot of screen-time dwelling on certain aspects of their backstories or personalities, and then those things effectively stop mattering at all after a certain point, even Packard’s motivations. A Weak Human Element was one of the problems in “Godzilla” 2014 as well, though, and you’ll recall I quite liked that movie. There, though, the human stuff was honestly only ever important for how it fed into the monster stuff; it was the connective tissue meant to get us from sequence to sequence and not much more. Here, though, it forms the heart and soul of the story, and that means its deficiencies feel a lot more harmful to the whole.

Still, those deficiencies really aren’t that severe, and moreover, like I was saying before, there’s a lot about “Skull Island” to actively enjoy. The Monsters themselves do remain the central draw, after all, and for the most part the movie does a solid job with that aspect of things. It does not, perhaps, recreate “Godzilla” 2014’s attempt to make believable animals out of them (even as it does design most of them with even more obvious, overt Real World Animal elements), but there is a certain playful energy that informs them at a conceptual level that I appreciate. Buffalos with horns that look like giant logs with huge strands of moss and grass hanging off their edges, spiders whose legs are adapted to look like tree trunks, stick bugs so big that their camouflage makes them look like fallen trees…the designs feel physically plausible (especially thanks to some strong effects work that makes them feel well inserted into the real environments), but there’s a slightly-humorous tilt to a lot of them that I appreciate, especially since it never outright winks at the audience in a way that would undercut the stakes of the story. Kong too is very well done; rather than the heavily realistic approach taken by the Peter Jackson version from 2005, this Kong is instead very much ape-like but also very clearly his own creature (in particular he stands fully erect most of the time), with a strong sense of Personality to him as well; some of the best parts of the movie are those times where we simply peek in on Kong simply living his life, even when that life is one that is, by nature, violent and dangerous. Less successful, sadly, are his nemeses, the Skullcrawlers; very much like “Godzilla” 2014, Kong is here envisioned as a Natural Protection against a potentially-dangerous species that threatens humanity (or in this case the Iwi Tribe who live on Skull Island, but we’ll talk more about them later), and while they’re hardly bad designs (the way their snake-like lower bodies give them a lot of neat tricks to play against their enemies in battle are genuinely fun in the right sort of Scary Way), they’re also pretty bland and forgettable, even compared to the MUTOS. That said, they serve their purpose well enough, and their big Action Scene showdowns with Kong are genuinely solid. Indeed, the movie’s big climactic brawl between Kong and the biggest of the Skullcrawlers has a lot of good pulpy energy to it (particularly with how Kong winds up using various tools picked up from all around the battlefield to give himself an edge), likewise there’s a certain Wild Fun to the sequence where our hapless humans have to try and survive a trek through the Crawlers’ home-turf.

Where things get a bit tricky again is when the movie attempts to put its own spin on “Godzilla”’s conception of its monsters as part of their own kind of unique ancient eco-system. The sense of Grandeur that gave a lot of that aspect such weight there is mostly absent here, especially; there are instances where some of that feeling comes through (Kong’s interactions with some of the non-Crawler species, for example, do a good job giving us an endearing sense of how Kong fits into this world), but far more often it treats the monsters as Big Set-Piece Attractions. Which is fine as far as it goes, it just also means a lot of them aren’t as memorable or impactful as I might like. Meanwhile, the way the Iwis have built their home to accommodate, interact with, and protect themselves from the island’s bestiary feels like a well-designed concept that manages to suggest a lot of History without having to spell it out for us in a way that I appreciated (I would also be inclined to apply this to the very neat multi-layered stone-art used to portray Kong and the Crawlers except that the sequence where we see them is the most overt “let’s stop and do some world-building” exposition dump in the whole movie). But the Iwis in general are one of the more difficult elements of the movie to process, too; it seems really clear there was a deliberate effort here to avoid the most grossly racist stuff that has been present in prior attempts to portray the Natives of Skull Island, and as far as it goes I do think those efforts bear some fruit; we are, at the very least, very far away from the Scary Ooga-Booga tone of, say, “King Kong VS. Godzilla”, and that feels like it counts for something. I just also feel like there’s some dehumanizing touches to their portrayal (in particular they never speak; I don’t mean to imply that Not Speaking equals Inhuman, but the fact that we are not made privy to how exactly they do communicate means we’re very much kept at arm’s length from them in a way that seems at least somewhat meant to alienate us from them), especially given their role in the story as a whole is relatively minor.

At the end of the day, though, all the movie’s elements, good and bad, don’t really feel like they add up together coherently enough to make an impact. And I think if I had to try and guess why, even as I find it wholly enjoyable with a lot to genuinely recommend it by, I don’t find myself especially enamored by “Skull Island”. It has a lot of different ideas of how to approach its story-70’s pastiche, worldbuilding exercise, Monster Mash-but doesn’t seem to quite succeed at realizing any of them fully, indeed often allowing them to get in each other’s ways. It isn’t, again, a bad movie as a result of that; there really isn’t any stretch of it where I found myself bored or particularly unentertained. But I did paradoxically find myself frequently wanting more, even as by rights the movie delivers on basically what I was looking for from it.

#king kong #kong: skull island #godzilla vs. kong #movies #theroadtogvk #review #ericthemason #my writing

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djemsostylist · 4 years ago

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An Arthurian Film Adventure, Part 3: Lancelot

Today, we are tackling Lancelot. Arguably the most famous knight of the Round Table (besides Gawain), the story of Lancelot and King Arthur and Queen Guinevere is a timeless one. Forbidden love, broken friendships, civil war, downfall of a kingdom. Plus, he’s great with a lance. Throw in a child who achieves the Grail Quest, and you’ve got yourself a pretty great story, and a pretty easy character too, right?

Nope, wrong again. Firstly, because he doesn’t even exist in one of them, and secondly because he fucking sucks in the other ones.

I should point out, before I begin, that there are several versions of Lancelot which exist. Depending on whether you go with de Troyes, Malory, Vulgate, or Post Vulgate, you get some different characters. Universally he is kind and brave and selfless, devoted to Arthur but also damned by a love for Guinevere. He also can be prideful, angry, a touch selfish, and ultimately fails at achieving the Grail Quest. Anyway, onto the ratings!

1. Knights of the Round Table

This Lancelot is, by far, the best Lancelot. Here, Lancelot follows the post Vulgate version (he is just a wandering knight who wants to join the Round Table, rather than having grown up with the Lady of the Lake). He is sort of the ultimate knight--kind, brave, selfless, great with a lance or sword. He and Arthur get along immediately, forming a fast friendship built on mutual respect, understanding, and trust. Lancelot is brave and selfless and kind, but he is also an individual with his own wants, needs and desires. He can be prideful and arrogant, but he is fiercely loyal.

Here, Lancelot is close friends not only with Arthur and Guinevere, but also Gawain, Gareth and Percival, the latter of whom he takes under his wing. He and Arthur quarrel and reconcile, he goes knight erranting (is this a verb?) and lives in the castle Joyous Guard. He also marries Elaine, whom he loves in his own way, and fathers Galahad. Here, his love for Guinevere is acknowledged and central, though never consummated, but it is his connection with Arthur and the other knights of the Round Table which sustain his story.

The downfall here is tragic, both because though he and Guinevere love each other, they have not actually committed treason, and because his estrangement from Arthur leads to an actual splintering of the Round Table. Also, he has a horse named Beric that he loves a lot, his relationship with Elaine is honestly really sweet and sad, and he also wears beautiful surcoats and has a huge red feather on his helm.

Attractiveness: Honestly number 1 easily. He has some slightly weird facial hair, and he’s not big enough, but he’s hot. (Fun fact, Robert Taylor also played Ivanhoe in the single best Ivanhoe of all time, so).

2. Camelot

So, this Lancelot is pretty good. My main problem here is that this Lancelot is more Galahad than Lancelot, in that he is super pure almost the point of ridiculousness. Like, he is so pure his purity actually brings a man back from the dead, which could be the whole “healing of Sir Urry thing” but is mostly just strange. Here, we get a post-Vulgate Lancelot backstory (he is supposed to be French is this version but he is played by the most Italian Italian I have ever seen and it’s great). He and Arthur meet and are super close almost right away (“did we just become best friends?!”) but surprisingly and refreshingly, Guinevere is actually deeply annoyed by him when they first meet. (She has been going a-maying and Arthur shows up and she just wants to fuck him but he just wants her to meet his new best friend, and she is like, wow ur friend is deeply lame, come have sex with me instead pls.) She eventually falls in love with him when he cures a dead man from death, and then what follows is a tragic love story of friends who are sort of stuck in this terrible situation and just trying to make the best of it.

The downfall here is that Lancelot has literally no other friends at court, so while his betrayal is tragic for him and Arthur and Guinevere (like in the 1953 version, he and Guinevere never actually commit treason), it doesn’t really affect any other friendships or relationships. He also doesn’t ever get married or have a baby here, and his purity can be grating, though the earnestness offsets it well enough.

Attractiveness: Number 2 tbh, but mostly because he is so damn earnest it’s endearing. Also he wears beautiful armor.

3. King Arthur

So, this Lancelot is from Sarmatia, which is both weird and never really explained. Also, he is neither Arthur’s best knight or actually even a knight at all. He doesn’t have a relationship with Guinevere other than throwing what I assume are supposed to be longing looks in her direction (tbf Arthur didn’t have a relationship with Guinevere in this movie either beyond aborted heavy petting). He also doesn’t bring about the downfall of Arthur’s kingdom, mostly because Arthur doesn’t have a kingdom. He also doesn’t have a son who goes on the quest for the Holy Grail, but that is mostly because this Arthur isn’t Christian and neither are his knights. Also, he fights with two swords and there are no lances in sight, which is a weird thing for Lancelot, since riding around and knocking people off horses is like, literally his favorite thing in the world.

Attractiveness: Number 3, mostly because I know they tried to make him hot here with the mop of curly hair and etc, but he will also be Mr. Fantastic to me, and Mr. Fantastic was honestly the worst.

4. First Knight

The thing is, Richard Gere should be last, except that Excalibur Lancelot was literally the dumbest person alive ever, so I guess that means since Richard Gere wasn’t literally just living in the forest stabbing himself with his own sword, he sucks less. (Look, I said this was a rough journey.) This Lancelot is just terrible honestly. Firstly, he’s not a knight, he’s just some dude who rides around hitting people with his sword. He meets Arthur when he helps rescue Guinevere who is on her way to marry her dad’s old friend bc he is old and sad and lonely. His introduction to Arthur comes during a tournament. And by tournament, I mean an extremely 90s, wacky, American Gladiator style wooden obstacle course thing that involves swinging knife things, swinging wood things, and just...it’s bad.

He doesn’t want to be a knight, mostly because he thinks Arthur’s knights are boring squares (he is not wrong, but I hate him so-). He agrees only after he saves Guinevere from Melegraunce, which involves more wacky obstacle courses and swinging bridges. Also, he and Guinevere here give Arthur the horns, and also both suck. He doesn’t learn anything, he is genuinely terrible, and also he is played by Richard Gere.

Attractiveness: I’m gonna say last, mostly because his whole 90sness just irritated me and also because he was very moist through this whole movie and also I hated him a lot.

5. Excalibur

Look, this Lancelot was like, literally actually stupid. He showed up, tried to beat up Arthur and failed, then went to live in the woods. No like, he literally lived in the woods. He would tell Arthur he was leaving Camelot to go adventuring or whatever, ride six feet out into the forest, strip naked, and sleep in the roots of a tree. Also, he for some reason not only slept completely naked, but he also didn’t keep his sword in his scabbard so one night he rolled over and stabbed himself clear through the side. Also, he and Guinevere had sex is his tree thing, and I saw way too much of his side ass. I was honestly rooting for Gawain to kill him, and I didn’t even like this Gawain bc he was genuinely awful.

Attractiveness: I mean, better than Richard Gere. But, and I know I have said this before, I cannot express how ugly this movie was.

6. Legend of the Sword

This one was easy to rank, because he did not exist. This was an origin story, and Lancelot isn’t really a part of Arthur’s origin story so I guess we can give them a pass, except that I love Lancelot so this was a tragedy to me. On the positive side, his lack of existence means that he can’t be worse than Richard Gere, so I guess I should rank this nonexistent Lancelot in like, 3rd place.

Part 2: The Arthurs

#an arthurian film adventure #arthurian legend #arthuriana #lancelot du lac #lancelot

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swanqueeneverafter · 5 years ago

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What Dreams May Come, Pt.13

Storybrooke. Charmings' House. (Hook and David are trying to use magic.) Hook: "Well, according to the spell, this should show us where the coin was the day your father died." David: (Reading from the potion book:) "Okay, it says, 'turn counterclockwise.' Do you think they mean the beaker, or do we have to turn?" Hook: "It's better to be safe." David: "Yeah. Right. (Both David and Hook turn in a counterclockwise circle:) All right." Hook: "Well, that seems right. (David pours the beaker's contents into another glass while Hook adds more ingredients:) Careful. If you turn us into raccoons, driving that truck will be a challenge." (Chuckles.) David: (Concentrating on the potion:) "Fumes. I think we got it." (Both sniff the potion and gag.) Hook: "That's, um... (Unfurls a map on the table:) Right, the whole of the Enchanted Forest at your fingertips." David: (Dips the coin into the potion:) "Okay. Let's find out where my father was before he died." (David places the coin on the map and it begins moving on its own.) Hook: "It's working." David: (When the coin lands on its target:) "An island." Hook: "I know this isle from many nautical charts. It had dealings with Neverland. I've never been myself." David: "What is this place? Why would he be there?" Hook: "A terrible, dark place it is. It's called Pleasure Island." Pleasure Island. Past. (The music of the circus plays. It’s a carnival atmosphere with fire breathers, rides, gambling, games and other activities taking place. Robert, his bag still over his shoulder, walks through the throng of people. Walking past a bar, he is offered a drink by a painted man.) Robert: "No, thank you. I'm looking for my son. (Sitting down on a bench, Robert is taken by surprise by a little wooden boy grabbing his arm:) Oooh! Sweet holy-" Pinocchio: (Looking at the coin around Robert's wrist:) "Is this worth something?" Robert: "Aye, the world, but only to me. It's a gift from my boy, David." Pinocchio: "Oh, let me guess. He ran away, and you're looking for him. Try the sugar pit." Robert: "I'm actually looking for my other boy, James. Have any of the boys talked of being a prince?" Pinocchio: (Chuckling:) "A prince? Do I look like I was carved yesterday? You don't look like a king." Robert: "He was my son before he was a prince. Have you talked to him?” Pinocchio: “Nope. Not me." (Pinocchio's nose grows.) Robert: "What the... (Pinocchio chuckles weakly:) What does that mean?" Pinocchio: "Nothing." (It grows again.) Robert: "Does that mean you're lying to me?" Pinocchio: "No." (And again.) Robert: "You know where my boy is. (Grabbing the wooden boy:) Tell me right now. (Shaking him:) Tell me!" (Passed out behind a carnival game with a chocolate bar in his hand, is James.) Robert: (Approaching him:) "James? (The boy awakens:) I've come to bring you home." James: "I don't want to go! My father wants me to be a knight. I don't want to." Robert: "James..." James: "I don't want to kill things." Robert: "What if I bring you to my home? It's green and nice there, and you'll have a brother to play with and grow up with." James: "A brother?" Robert: "Yes, James. I'm also your father. Come on. Let's go home." James: "O-Okay." Robert: (To Pinocchio:) "Thank you." Pinocchio: "Glad I could help." Painted Man: "Hey, there!" (Suddenly several painted men chase after Robert.) Pinocchio: "Get out of here! Run!" (Robert and James run quickly from the scene.)

Emma's Dreamscape. Camelot. Merlin's Tower. Regina: “Merlin's tower. There must be something in here to help get him out of the tree.” Emma: “Never do that to me again.” Regina: “Oh, now you're talking to me.” Emma: “I don't know... Am I allowed to?” Regina: (Sighs, pulling the Dark One dagger from her jacket:) “You gave this to me.” Emma: “To protect me, not use against me.” Regina: “I saved your life.” Emma: “By pretending to be me?” Regina: “Oh, shut up and listen. (Emma tries to speak and finds she can't:) Oh. I can get used to this. (Shakes her head, coming back to the present:) What are we doing here? Is this... (Smiles:) Do you want me to control you?” Emma: (Almost shyly:) “I-I need to let go for a little while.” Regina: “All right. (Her demeanor serious, holds up the dagger:) But not with this. We are never going to put ourselves in a situation where one of us surrenders control completely. Even in a dream. Understood? (Emma looks away and nods almost imperceptibly:) Look at me, Emma. I’m not angry at you, I just need you to realise that this... (Waves the dagger:) isn’t the right way to get what you want. (Vanishes the dagger with a wave of her hand:) There is a much more fun way for both of us to get what we desire.” (Regina waves her hand again and they both disappear from the tower.)

Camelot. Bed Chamber. (Reappearing in the bed chamber they shared in Camelot, Emma finds herself stood provocatively in front of a mirror. With her hands on the back of a chair, Emma looks at herself in the mirror to see that she is wearing very high heels and an intricately designed body stocking.) Emma: (Staring, her mouth agape:) “I have never worn anything like this in my life.” Evil Queen: (Smiling as she moves toward her prey:) “Yet another benefit of shared dreaming.” Emma: (Turning at the sound of her voice:) "Regina, what-" (The slap to her backside silences Emma immediately.) Evil Queen: "You will refer to me as 'Your Majesty' or 'My Queen' is that understood?" (When Emma merely nods, she receives another slap.) Emma: "Y-yes My Queen." Evil Queen: "Good. Now, keep your hands on the chair at all times and push your bottom out. (Regina slowly circles the woman as she adjusts her position:) Excellent. (While running her fingers along a deliciously exposed shoulder blade, softly:) How many? (Regina waits patiently for an answer, frowning slightly when it does not come:) How does ten sound?" Emma: (Shakes her head:) "More... My Queen." Evil Queen: "Very well then, twenty?" Emma: "More, please, Your Majesty." Evil Queen: (Hesitates:) "Are you sure? (Moves around to face Emma, raising the blonde’s chin to look into her eyes:) We've never done more than that." Emma: "Please, My Queen." Evil Queen: (Sensing something amiss, but deciding to take her cue from the unmistakable desire reflected in Emma's eyes:) "Do you remember your safe word?" Emma: (Nods:) “WAKE UP” Regina: (Taken aback:) “What?” Emma: (Her eyes wide:) “That wasn’t me.” Regina: “Then who- WAKE UP” Emma: (Panicked:) “What’s going on?” Storybrooke. Swan-Mills House. Living Room. (Slowly coming to their senses, Regina and Emma find themselves laying in each others arms on the couch. They gaze at each other for the briefest of moments before the cause of their disrupted dream bellows once more.) Zelena: "Get up, you idiots!" Emma: "Zelena, what the hell?!" Zelena: "Robin Hood's run off somewhere." Regina: (Sitting up:) "Calm down-" Zelena: "No I won't calm down! The man has his way with me, then scarpered!" Emma: "Wait, you slept with him?" Zelena: "Oh don't give me that judgemental look, Sheriff. If you two could keep it in your pants, none of this would've happened in the first place. Now come on, we need to split up and find him before my daughter does!"

Henry's Dreamscape. Kingdom of Valencia. Dungeons. (Henry sits pondering his escape plans when Ella walks over to talk to him.) Ella: "Hey. So, um, last night, a lot of things were almost, kind of said. We hinted at some budding feelings, sang a song, our faces got unusually close..." Henry: "I'm really sorry. I can't talk. I'm in hero mode... planning our big escape. Don't worry, Ella. I'm gonna save us. (To the rest of the prisoners:) Friends, listen up: ♪ I've waited all my lifetime for one moment to arrive ♪ ♪ The moment I was destined for at birth ♪ ♪ The moment I would show the world the reason I'm alive ♪ ♪ And prove to one and all what I am worth ♪ ♪ And now that moment's here ♪ ♪ It's calling loud and clear ♪ ♪ My time, at last, has come ♪ ♪ This is my moment in the sun ♪ ♪ This is my... ♪ (A guard enters, rattling the gate.) Guard: “Up to the throne room, now! All of ya!” Henry: (Deflated:) “Ruined it. Thanks.” Throne Room. (Stood upon the dais, Queen Madelena addresses the prisoners.) Queen Madelena: “Prisoners... I've called you up here to catch up my brother-in-law/ future husband.” (Chuckles.) King Richard: “You know I can hear you, right?” Queen Madelena: (Ignoring him, for Kingsley’s benefit:) “So, that's the princess of Valencia... she annoys me... and that's-” Henry: (Stepping forward:) “I am Henry, and so help me, God, I will...” Kingsley: “Shut up, pretty boy.” Queen Madelena: (Continuing:) “My former boy toy, Jester. He was cuter pre-dungeon. And, of course, you know my current husband, your brother... Richard.” King Richard: “I'm sorry... you would actually go for him over me? I mean, he's really, really, really, really old.” Kingsley: “If you're so confident about being tougher than me, we could settle this with a duel.” King Richard: “Oh. Oh... oh, you want to go there?” Kingsley: “I'm there.” King Richard: “Okay, fine. This is a long time coming, brother... a duel to the death! (Turning to the prisoners:) And now, like every great king to come before us, we shall choose a champion to fight in our stead while we watch from a safe distance while sloppily eating oversized turkey legs. And for my champion, I choose...” Kingsley: “Gareth will fight for me.” King Richard: “No, t-that's not fair. I was gonna choose him. (Whining:) Gareth.” Gareth: “I don't have a choice, my lord.” Kingsley: “Your move, little Dicky.” (Chuckles.)

King Richard: “Well, who's going to fight for me? Anyone? Anyone here good with a sword?” (Suddenly, Henry grabs Gareth’s sword, knocking down Gareth and several guards before walking toward the dais.) Henry: “I'll fight for you, Richard. But when I win, you'll release my friends. Agreed?” King Richard: “Totally cool with that. Henry fights for me!” Henry: “Well, that's good, because it just so happens... ♪ This is my moment in the sun ♪ ♪ This is my... ♪ (Kingsley grabs Henry from behind, smothering him with a cloth, knocking him unconscious.) Kingsley: “Sorry. That was annoying.” Queen Madelena: (Arms folded:) “So annoying.” Kingsley: (Stepping down off the dais and over Henry:) “I'm hungry.” Enchanted Forest. Xanax’s Laboratory. (The younger Henry awakens with a jolt, taking in his surroundings.) Henry: “Damnit!” Storybrooke. Marco & August's Home. (August stands examining the coin as David & Hook stand watching him.) August: "Yeah, this is definitely the coin, and it was the last I saw of him when he left with the boy. And, honestly, I never put you with him, David.” David: “He went after James. I thought he was just a drunk who fell prey to his temptations. He was trying to fix our family.” August: “He was stone-cold sober. David, a few years ago, I took some pages out of Henry's book, and, uh I never put them back. Pleasure Island is a part of my story that I'm... I'm not exactly proud of. But I could look for them, and we could see if, uh, there's anything more about your father.” David: “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

Storybrooke. Library. (Alice and Robin enter the library as part of their 'day date'.) Robin: "The library. Really?" Alice: "Mmhmm. And this isn't even the best part. (Taking Robin's hand, they run over to a particular row of books:) This is one of my favorite spots in all the united realms." Robin: (Glancing up at the 'Travel' section:) "Why's that?" Alice: "Because from here you can go anywhere in the world without ever taking a step. See?" Robin: "Huh. That is the is the best description of a bookshelf I have ever heard." Alice: "Yeah, well, when your world is small, you do anything you can to make it bigger. Books did that for me when I was in the tower. Probably sounds crazy now that we can actually go and see things." Robin: "Not at all. I think it's incredibly sweet. In fact, I think we may have found our ideal place to meet for our lunch breaks." Alice: (Smiles:) "Yeah, then we can plan our next trip by reading one of these books." Robin: "That, and it does seem like an excellent make-out spot." (Just as Robin is about to lean in for a kiss, there is a groaning sound coming from elsewhere in the library. Moving toward the noise, they soon find the culprit, slumped against a bookshelf.) Alice: "Will! (Rushing over to her brother:) Will, what happened?" Will: (Groans as they help him into a seated position:) "Bloody attacked, wasn't I?" Robin: "Did you see who did this to you?" Will: (Grimacing:) "Oh, aye. Couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him. I ran over, and he belted me." Alice: "Who?" Will: (Muttering to himself:) "He got a few stiff kicks in for good measure too. All I did was say hello and try to hug the bugger." Robin: (Shaking him:) "Who attacked you, Will?" Will: (Staring directly at her:) "Y-your dad. Robin Hood." (Shocked by this, Robin stands and looks to Alice, who rubs her temple. A guilty expression on her face.) Storybrooke. Woods. (Alone in the woods, Robin Hood sits on a tree stump and opens the silver box from Regina's vault. Taking out a bottle, he inspects it before hearing a twig snap underfoot. Replacing the bottle and hiding the box, Robin gets to his feet, drawing his bow.)

Robin Hood: "Not another step! (Seeing Regina and Emma walking towards him:) How did you find me?" Regina: "Believe it or not, this is where the other Robin used to come to think." Robin Hood: "I thought we already established I'm not that man." Regina: "Yes, I-I know, which is why we're here. We came to apologise. We may have put pressure on you to be someone you're not. We're sorry." Robin Hood: (Laughs mirthlessly:) "That's what you want to apologise to me for? Really? I read that storybook, Your Majesty. I know what kind of monster you are, the lives you've ruined." (With his attention focused on Regina, Emma is able to pull her gun on him.) Emma: "Drop the weapon, now!" Robin Hood: (Scoffs:) “It must be a thing with all sheriffs. Protecting those who don't need it, while the rest of us are cast aside, forced to steal to survive. Well I say no more. Maybe this is the reason I was brought here: to put an arrow through your blackened heart." Emma: "Hood, I swear to God, if you do not drop your weapon, I will drop you!" Robin Hood: "You do what you think is right, Sheriff. And so will I." Emma: (Yelling:) "Stop pointing that arrow at my wife!" (Robin releases the arrow and Emma returns fire. However, the outlaw vanishes in a cloud of green smoke before Emma's bullet can hit him, while Regina catches the arrow effortlessly in her hand.) Storybrooke. The Town Line. (Zelena stands waiting as Robin Hood reappears at the town line.) Zelena: "You know, for a moment there, I was actually willing to give this a chance." Robin Hood: "Zelena, I can explain." Zelena: (Scoffs:) "This should be good. Go on then." Robin Hood: "You really should be flattered. Where I'm from, I'm a legend. Robin Hood, the legendary swordsman, has many a fair maiden lining up for his affections. You see, once I choose one and have my way with her, I set her free. No complications, no hard feelings." Zelena: "Well, where I come from, you mess with the Wicked Witch and I set you on fire." Robin Hood: (Backing away as a fireball forms in Zelena's hand:) "Now, let's talk about this." Zelena: "No, I don't think so. Wherever you came from, you're not even half the man the real Robin was. Kissing you was like kissing a photograph. It was nothing, and I'm betting that's exactly what you'll become once you cross this town line. Goodbye, thief. The pleasure was all yours." Robin Hood: "Wait!" (Zelena blasts Robin with the fireball, knocking him backwards into the town line. As suspected, the instant he crosses over, Robin dissolves into nothingness. Sighing with relief, Zelena is about to transport herself back into town when she hears a noise in the trees.) Zelena: "Hello? Who's out there? Show yourself!" (After a moment, coming stumbling out of the woods is a very disheveled-looking Greg Mendell.)

#sq #swan queen #swanqueen

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one-of-us-blog · 6 years ago

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SPECTRE (2015)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap 2015’s SPECTRE, the twenty-fourth and final (for now) James Bond adventure. 007 has been put through the ringer over the course of these last few movies, but now it’s all come down to this. Can Bond unmask the shadowy puppet master who’s been pulling the strings this whole time? Can he find out who’s been manipulating not only himself and MI6 but the whole world? When the time comes, will he want to?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, I can’t believe you’ve done it, you madman! You can now say you’ve watched every single episode of The Golden Girls and The Golden Palace. What a coup! I’m extremely proud of you, and you’ve done an amazing job with your recaps over the years. I know you still have one more post to go, but you should give yourself a well-earned pat on the back! And hey, mister, this duo’s got two powerhouses and their names are You and Me!

Buttocks tight!

Screenplay by John Logan, Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & Jez Butterworth, film directed by Sam Mendes

We start off with a traditional barrel shot, which it feels like we haven’t seen in forever, and then we get a menacing quote about the dead being alive. We cut to an absolutely banging Día de Muertos celebration in Mexico City, where Bond, decked out in full skeletal garb, is led to a hotel room by a hot-to-trot Mexican lady. Bond’s only interested in her hotel room because he can use the window to get out on the roof, much to her disappointment. From the roof he can see into another building where a shady deal is going down. He snipes a few henchmen but then a bomb goes off in the room and the whole damn building comes crashing down, taking part of Bond’s hotel with it. I sure hope that lady got out in time! The man Bond was actually after, Marco Sciarra (Alessandro Cremona), survived the explosion, and Bond chases him out into the Black Parade. A helicopter is coming to collect Sciarra, but Bond boards it right after him and gets in an aerial fight with Sciarra and the helicopter pilot. Bond yanks a ring off Sciarra’s finger before kicking him out of the ‘copter to his death, then kicks the pilot out for good measure and barely manages to get the helicopter under control before it crashes into the parade-goers. Bond flies toward Mexico City proper and notices a stylized octopus on the ring he took off of Sciarra.

With that high-flying action behind us, we cut to our opening credits as Sam Smith, the first gay to ever win an Oscar, sings “Writing’s on the Wall”. A nude bond is felt up by some fiery ladies as a spooky octopus waves its tentacles around menacingly. Also, there’s some full-on hentai shit going on as some naked ladies get felt up by more octopi.

C’mon, I don’t need to be Samuel L. Jackson to know tentacle porn when I see it. In addition to this flagrant display of fetishes, we also get some call backs from the last few movies. We see smoky visions of Vesper Lynd and Le Chiffre from Casino Royale, Raoul Silva from Skyfall and even the late, great Dench-brand M. I guess Dominic Greene from Quantum of Solace was too busy to come in that day, huh? From here things get very amateur-filmmaker-going-into-their-first-year-of-film-school-with-a-big-chip-on-their-shoulder as Bond and a woman make their way through a motionless crowd of people and embrace while a massive octopus with a skull-with-eyes for a head looms over them and the nonexistent film strip melts. Bond prepares to shoot someone, but an adorable baby octopus envelops his gun and turns his bullet into ink, which zooms through a crowd of sexy naked ladies. We get shots of a board meeting overseen by a cecaelia and some body horror in the form of an iris made of tentacles (which is actually a pretty cool shot) before we head back to wear it all began with a nude Bond being felt up by some fiery ladies.

With that hour-long sequence behind us we jump to MI6 HQ, where Bond is getting reamed by M (née Gareth Mallory) over the destruction he caused in Mexico. Turns out Bond was going a bit rogue, and M has no idea what Bond was doing in Mexico City. Bond refuses to tell M what he was doing south of the border, and M takes Bond off active duty. Bond meets Max Denbigh (Andrew Scott), the head of the new Joint Intelligence Service whom Bond dubs ‘C’. C seems friendly enough, but M informs bond that he’s intent on dismantling the 00 program for good.

Miss Moneypenny catches up to Bond and delivers him a box of stuff MI6 managed to recover from Skyfall. Bond has Moneypenny deliver the box to his spartan apartment, where he shows her a tape from the late M telling him to hunt down and kill Sciarra. She also notes that he should attend Sciarra’s funeral, which is in three days. Moneypenny points out that the current M won’t sign off on that, but Bond’s not worried about that. He needs Moneypenny to do a little digging for him and investigate a name he heard in Mexico: The Pale King.

Moneypenny leaves and Bond sifts through the stuff from Skyfall, finding an odd, partially burnt picture of him as a boy with a mysterious man and an unknown young man. Bond heads to the Q Branch, where Q implants a tracker in his arm on the orders of M. Q then shows off an amazing new car, which it turns out is actually for the mysterious 009, and gives Bond a normal, totally non-gadgety watch instead. Bond convinces a reluctant Q to make his tracker go on the fritz so he can sneak off to Sciarra’s funeral and heads off to run some errands. He drops Moneypenny and a thank you note and a conspicuous cell phone, then breaks into Q Branch, steals 009’s car and a big gun.

He arrives at Sciarra’s funeral in Rome and immediately puts the moves on the dead man’s widow, Lucia (Monica Bellucci). Lucia rebuffs Bond’s advances, but he later saves her from some assassins at her house and she tells him her husband belonged to a shadowy cabal of businessmen before they fuck the pain away (Peaches. “Fuck the Pain Away.” The Teaches of Peaches, Kitty-Yo, 2000. MP3.). Lucia tells Bond where this shadowy cabal is meeting, and he heads that way despite her warnings that he’s definitely going to get killed. He uses Sciarra’s ring to gain access to the meeting, and he witnesses the group planning all sorts of untoward and illegal activities. Bond notices the chair at the head of the table is empty, though that soon ceases to be a problem as the head honcho (Christoph Waltz), shrouded in shadow, arrives and takes his seat.

The group moves onto discuss the death of Sciarra, and one of the businessmen argues that they should scrap the plot Sciarra was working on. That businessman is promptly killed by Mr. Hinx (Dave Bautista), a hulking beast with metal thumbnails that he uses to gouge out the unfortunate dissenter’s eyes. With that display of power over, the man in the shadows calls out Bond by name. He hints at a past connection with Bond, and reveals his face. Bond seems to recognize him, but he’s set upon by various henchmen and barely manages to make it to 009’s car. He sets off through the streets of Rome with Mr. Hinx in hot pursuit. Bond thinks this is a good time to give Moneypenny a call and finds out that the Pale King is in fact Mr. White (remember him?). He asks Moneypenny to look into a man named Franz Oberhauser, who’s supposed to be dead. With that out of the way Bond gets back to the whole chase thing, and finally gives Mr. Hinx the slip by using the ejector seat in 009’s car before he drives it into a canal.

In Tokyo, C is advocating the Nine Eyes program, which would unite the globe under unprecedented surveillance. M secretly votes against Nine Eyes being enacted, then he receives news about Bond’s car crash in Rome. He orders Q to track Bond down, and Q reports that Bond is in Altaussee, Austria. Bond’s tracked down Mr. White with Moneypenny’s help, and it’s finally time to give that wily rascal his comeuppance. Or, well, it would be if a gnarly case of thallium poisoning hadn’t done most of the work for Bond. White explains that Oberhauser has ordered his assassination because White had a problem with him taking their work, which was always pretty bad, in a much darker direction with a lot of innocent bystanders getting hurt. Bond demands to know where he can find Oberhauser, but White says Oberhauser is everywhere. Bond deduces that White is trying to protect his daughter; White tells Bond to find her, and if he keeps her safe she’ll take him to someone called L’Américain so he can find Oberhauser. White then eats a bullet from Bond’s gun, and Bond leaves.

Back in London, C reveals to M that he’s bugged Moneypenny’s phone so he knows Bond was headed to Austria. Right about that time, Mr. Hinx arrives at the dead White’s house. Bond arrives at the office of White’s daughter, a psychiatrist named Dr. Madeleine Swann (Léa Seydoux) Bond informs Dr. Swann about her father’s death, but she refuses to take him to L’Américain. Bond goes to a bar where he’s met by Q, who informs him that all hell is breaking loose in London. He tells him Franz Oberhauser is dead, and that he and Moneypenny are both going to get screwed if Bond doesn’t get his shit together and come home. Bond gives that idea a pass, and instead gives Q Sciarra’s ring to investigate. Bond is about to be escorted away by security when he sees Dr. Swann being kidnapped by Mr. Hinx and some nondescript goons.

Bond just can’t keep his feet on the ground in this movie, so he steals a little plane and pursues Mr. Hinx et al. Q, meanwhile, is having problems of his own. He’s been hacking away at the mainframe inside Sciarra’s ring, unaware that he was totally about to be assassinated by a pair of henchmen. He’s only saved by the arrival of a bunch of ski bunnies in the cable car he and the assassins are on. Bond uses his plane to crash one of the cars in Mr. Hinx’s entourage, and the sound of the explosion is enough of a distraction for Q to slip away from his would-be assassins and hide in a closet. After a rather rough landing involving a crash through a barn, Bond rescues Dr. Swann. She’s not thrilled about the idea of working with him, but he convinces her to tag along as he goes to meet up with Q.

Q’s managed to hack into the ring, which reveals that several important figures from past movies, including Le Chiffre, Patrice, Mr. White, Sciarra, Raoul Silva and Dominic Greene (who gets shown on Q’s screen but apparently doesn’t warrant being mentioned by name, which is really making him feel like the middle child of this criminal underworld), are all linked together by Franz Oberhauser. Q doesn’t know what this collection of hoodlums is called, but Dr. Swann does: SPECTRE. Oh shiiiiiii

Dr. Swann finally spills the tea on L’Américain. Turns out it’s not a person, but a hotel. Specifically a hotel in Tangier, Morocco, which is where Bond and Dr. Swann head while Q goes back to London. Dr. Swann checks into a room that her father would always check into, and Bond begins to dismantle it in search of some kind of clue or message while Dr. Swann gets shitfaced on wine like a soccer mom with a kid-free afternoon. After Dr. Swann passes out Bond gets a hot tip from a mouse he has an intimate moment with and discovers a secret room connected to the hotel room. The room is littered with pictures of Dr. Swann as a baby, as well as a VHS that apparently recorded Vesper Lynd getting interrogated, but more importantly it holds a set of coordinates which lead to Oberhauser’s base in the Sahara.

Back in London, C has gone behind M’s back and gotten Nine Eyes approved. He’s also gotten the 00 program shut down, which M is understandably not thrilled about. Meanwhile, Bond and Dr. Swann board a train headed for Oberhauser’s hideout. Bond tries to mansplain guns to Dr. Swann, but she’s a badass in her own right and doesn’t need any lessons from him. They begin to Bond, but this is interrupted by the arrival of Mr. Hinx. Mr. Hinx beats Bond’s ass up and down the train, but Bond and Dr. Swann working together are able to get him yeeted out of the train by a rope around his neck. They then have sex, because of course, before arriving at a deserted waystation on the Sahara. They have to wait a while, but eventually a car comes to collect them and takes them to a secret hideout located inside a crater.

In a very Dr. No-esque scene, Bond and Dr. Swann are greeted politely by Oberhauser’s staff and sent to bespoke swanky rooms (after Bond turns over his gun). In Dr. Swann’s room she finds a picture of herself and her dad, and in Bond’s picture he finds an unburnt copy of that picture that was recovered from Skyfall. Turns out the mysterious other young man who was standing with baby Bond and that unknown man was none other than a young Oberhauser. Dr. Swann and Bond are taken to meet with Oberhauser, who shows off the meteorite that made the crater he’s built his base in. He gives a heavy-handed monologue comparing himself to the meteorite before he gives them a tour of his facility. The tour culminates in a room full of people monitoring news stations and hidden security camera feeds, including one hidden in MI6. Bond deduces that C works for Oberhauser, and Oberhauser’s been striving to dismantle the 00 program.

Oberhauser describes himself as the author of all Bond’s pain and takes credit for the deaths of Vesper Lynd and the previous M. He confirms that Le Chiffre, Greene and Silva all worked for him, and then he plays a recording of Mr. White’s suicide to torment Dr. Swann. Bond is knocked out, and he wakes up he’s strapped to a chair as Oberhauser prepares to fiddle around with his brain. Also, just to give the game away, we get a shot of a certain signature white cat. Dr. Swann is forced to watch while Oberhauser drills into Bond’s brain, and when she demands to know why Oberhauser is doing this he launches into some backstory. Turns out the guy from the photograph is Oberhauser’s father; after Bond was orphaned at a young age Oberhauser’s dad took him in and asked Oberhauser to think of him as a little brother. Bond and Oberhauser’s dad formed a strong connection, so Oberhauser killed his own father out of jealously and faked his own death. As you do. He tells Bond that Franz Oberhauser really did die in an avalanche alongside his father, and the man now torturing Bond is Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Hey, it’s been a while (sort of)!

Blofeld begins to drill into Bond’s brain again, this time with the intention of destroying the part of his brain that lets him recognize faces. Why not! Bond is able to pass the watch Q gave to him forever ago to Dr. Swann, and it turns out there’s a bomb in that little sucker. Blofeld is caught up in the explosion but Dr. Swann is able to free Bond from his restraints and the two beat feet out of there. Bond sets off another explosion which destroys Blofeld’s entire facility, and then, because Bond’s feet have been on the ground way too long, he and Dr. Swann fly off in a helicopter.

Bond and Dr. Swann arrive in London, where they meet with M in secret. Bond lets M know that C is dirty, and they plan to take care of him. Dr. Swann can’t handle being part of all this cloak and dagger stuff anymore, so she peaces out while Bond, M, Moneypenny and Q head off to TCOB. This super squad lasts about a minute before the car carrying M and Bond gets t-boned. M manages to slip away, but Bond is taken prisoner. Q and Moneypenny pick up M while Bond manages to take out two goons with his head in a sack and his hands tied together. M and Q try to keep C’s Nine Eyes system from going online confront the traitor in his office while Bond navigates the ruins of the former MI6 HQ in search of Blofeld.

Bond finds Blofeld safely encapsulated behind some bulletproof glass. The explosion from earlier has given him his trademark scar and milky eye, and he informs Bond that he’s once again captured Dr. Swann. He’s wired the building with explosives, and Bond only has three minutes before they go TF off. Bond can either waste time trying to find Dr. Swann or he can save himself and escape. Blofeld triggers the countdown and heads out, leaving Bond to search for Dr. Swann. Q manages to keep Nine Eyes from going off, but M and C scuffle and C falls to his death. Bond catches sight of Blofeld getting away in a helicopter (the helicopter budget for this movie must have been off the chain), but he manages to rescue Dr. Swann and the two make it outside as the building explodes behind them.

Bond, riding in a speedboat, manages to shoot Blofeld’s helicopter out of the sky with a handgun. Let that sink in for a minute. The helicopter crashes, but Blofeld survives and escapes the wreckage. Unfortunately he scuttles right into Bond’s path, and Bond prepares to execute him. Blofeld urges him to finish it, but Bond declines and turns Blofeld over to M while he goes to meet Dr. Swann instead. Blofeld watches Bond and Dr. Swann walk away together as M informs him he’s being arrested.

Some time later, Bond arrives in Q Branch and gets the newly rebuilt old-timey car so he and Dr. Swann can drive off in style.

The End

~~~~~

Man, I know I’ve complained about how long these movies can get before, but I really wasn’t prepared for this puppy. To start off with some things I liked, I thought Mr. Hinx was a neat henchman and it feels like it’s been a long time since we had a good goon with a physical quirk like his metal thumbnails. It was fun to see some gadgets at play, and in a lot of ways this movie felt like a nod to classic, cheesier Bond films as opposed to the grittier, more realistic movies that have preceded it. I liked Dr. Swann a lot, and I appreciated that M, Q and Moneypenny all got stuff to do instead of just meeting with Bond before he jets off on his adventure and they’re left in the office. Now, I’ve got to comment on Blofeld… First of all, it’s neat to have him, and SPECTRE, back in the game after such a long absence. But why they heck did they need to make it so he and Bond grew up together? And Blofeld has built this entire criminal empire just because he had daddy issues and he was jealous of Bond? There has to be more to him than that! Also, I hated that Silva got turned into a henchman for SPECTRE. It was pretty blatantly stated that both Le Chiffre and Greene were part of a larger organization so I don’t mind them getting retconned into Blofeld’s agents, but Silva’s vendetta against the late M felt so personal and it doesn’t make sense to me that he was working for someone else. A lot of this movie was fun and I enjoyed most of it, but if I think about the motivations behind it all for even a little bit then the whole thing comes apart. This isn’t the worst Bond movie by any means (lookin’ at you, Thunderball), but it feels like it did a disservice to its immediate predecessors and didn’t come anywhere near the heights of Casino Royale or Skyfall.

I give SPECTRE QQQ on the Five Q Scale.

I can’t believe it, but there aren’t going to be any new recaps after that! We did it, Eli! Well, almost. Eli’s going to do a final post recapping his thoughts on his time spent with the Girls in The Golden Girls and The Golden Palace, and after that I’ll put up a post summing up my final thoughts on the James Bond franchise.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for joining us on this wild ride and thank you for being One of Us!

#One of us #james bond #007

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glompcat · 3 years ago

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Since this post was on my dash again I decided to reblog this version with some links this time!

The Unicorn and the Wasp is by a particularly gross man named Gareth Roberts.

Note the TERF symbol he himself put next to his name on twitter:

It should be noted that by the time the book drama I am about to talk about happened, Roberts was already banned from writing anything more for Doctor Who on TV. The details of what happened are sketchy at best, but essentially on the set of his final episode - The Caretaker - he and Capaldi allegedly had some sort of confrontation. There are rumors this may have been over trans rights but no one actually knows. Afterwards Roberts took to twitter to trash Capaldi, Moffat and the BBC, essentially ensuring he would never be employed by the series ever again.

He was however still writing books for Doctor Who.

That changed with the publication of 2019′s Doctor Who anthology book, The Target Storybook.

You see by that point Roberts was well known for tweeting endless transphobic bullshit. This caught the eye of other writers on the project, and multiple writers for the Target Storybook told BBC Books that if Roberts was not pulled from the project they would not want their work published in it, because they did not want to be associated with him in any way. While we know other authors were part of this effort only one has publicly identified herself (as far as I am aware) as being part of the group who gave BBC Books this ultimatum - Susie Day.

In response to the other authors discomfort with Roberts’s vocal bigotry BBC Books asked him to delete his tweets and apologize for them. If he did those two things they would proceed with publishing his story for the book, if not he was banned from writing Doctor Who works for BBC Books.

Guess what he did after that?????

THAT’S RIGHT HE WROTE A TRANSPHOBIC SCREED FOR MEDIUM ABOUT HOW HE WAS BEING OPPRESSED FOR BEING A CONSERVATIVE GAY MAN!

Since then he’s tripled down further and further and has only gotten more vile!!!!

BUT DON’T JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! THIS GUY’S BIGOTRY IS SUPER WELL DOCUMENTED!!!!

https://www.themarysue.com/doctor-who-writer-gareth-roberts-talks-vile-ignorant-trash-about-trans-women/

https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-48526656

https://www.reddit.com/r/HobbyDrama/comments/o88sm9/doctor_who_salty_rants_and_transphobic_tweets_how/

youtube

if you don’t like the doctor who episode where there’s a murder mystery and agatha christie is there and the end of the episode reveals that one of the characters is secretly another character’s son but also a giant alien wasp and in the middle the doctor gets poisoned and unsucessfully mimes how to unpoison himself to donna who misinterprets everything then sorry we can’t be friends

#Doctor Who #it is cool to like his writing #it is not cool to say anyone who doesn't #doesn't like fun #no one is obligated #no one #ever #to enjoy things written by vocal bigots

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weedle-testaburger · 3 years ago

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Well I know a few DW writers called out Gareth Roberts. But I don't remember which ones specifically did it. I know Lawrence Miles was one of them but I'm afraid can't recall the rest. On an unrelated note, in my first year at university I learnt that the term 'witch' is actually gender-neutral apparently.

Ah right. Well good on him then, even if he's apparently a bit of a dick in other ways. And that's pretty cool then! I was wondering why Raine is called a witch bc I assumed it was a feminine term but I guess not.

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enigmasong · 7 years ago

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Right, so to do this New Series Adventure speed round review, I’m gonna chunk them off into sections; full novels in their own list, anthologies in another, etc.

I think it’s fair to note that I haven’t read most of these since I first got them, but I do remember them all well enough that my hot takes should be fine. So, yeah.

I’m gonna start with the full length novels since it’s gonna be the longest part of the list. Going in the order on my shelf, which is my best guess at linear order for how the Doctor’s lived them.

Engines of War - George Mann The only book thus far to feature War. I liked it well enough. It felt like an actual bitter war, which is more than can be said for Big Finish’s range with him. But what really takes it into top tier is the mutha fuckin’ Gallifreyan dinosaurs.

Winner Takes All - Jaqueline Rayner Not one I have much opinions on. The concept is interesting enough that I’d recommend it, but I think your mileage may vary depending on how much you like contemporary set stories. A few red flags from the Doctor’s side of his and Rose’s relationship.

The Deviant Strain - Justin Richards Again, not one I have much opinions on. Been a bit too long since I’ve read it. It was alright. I liked the setting.

Only Human - Gareth Roberts Jack’s little B plot was dull as paste, but the rest was pretty good. I did enjoy seeing Rose lose her head, so there’s that.

The Stone Rose - Jaqueline Rayner It exists. Basically all I can about it. It’s not good, it’s not bad; it’s just a thing. Honestly, the only people who are likely to get anything out of this book are Ten/Rose shippers. Hmm, isn’t this what people are saying about the latest Big Finish Ten box set?

Sting of the Zygon - Stephen Cole I actually really liked this one. Should reread it. Made good use of the Zygons. And I felt it fell surprisingly in line with the Zygon subplot from the Day of the Doctor.

The Slitheen Excursion - Simon Guerrier That basic Who plot of future people forcing primitive humans into gladiatorial combat, only this time done by Slitheen. I kinda questioned the sanity of the one-off companion of this one for choosing to stay with the Doctor at the end despite what happened to her.

In the Blood - Jenny T. Colgan Honestly, I’d always recommend Colgan. I thought it being about internet hate was a bit trite, but otherwise golden. The plot twist was that is was a sequel to Ten’s BF audio Time Reaver the whole time. So you might wanna give that a listen to before reading this.

Beautiful Chaos - Gary Russell Again, mostly just exists. And again, mostly depends on how much you like contemporary stories. It has a sad little reference to River, setting this book (just like the last on this list) just after the Library, that always makes me throw the book in despair. Usually multiple times.

The Krillitan Storm - Christopher Cooper Actually greatly increased my enjoyability of School Reunion. Gives a good backstory to the Krillitan with an understandable reason for why they seek to be gods. The characters were engaging, the stakes were high. I actually found it a rather surprising gem.

The Prisoner of the Daleks - Trevor Baxendale Probably my second favorite Dalek story, right behind Asylum. The Daleks were a clear and present threat to the whole of the universe and in a story that let them go as dark as they can be. Though my copy did this very annoying thing where all the Dalek lines are in the Dalek font. I really wanna know if that was in the original print of the book.

The Forgotten Army - Brian Minchin Well, if the last book was dark and willing to get into the gritty and disturbing details of how the universe can be, this one is the opposite. It’s a fairly decent kids book, about middle school range.

The King’s Dragon - Una McCormack Exists. Though I think visiting other planets in their pre-industrial era is an underutilized concept in Doctor Who. I don’t think the people of the town they visit understand the concept of inflation.

The Coming of the Terraphiles - Michael Moorcock Ah yes, the infamous one. I felt like a Douglas Adams book if he had a hard-on for writing almost exclusively in exposition. I think they may be a few people with select taste that will actually enjoy this book, but it is a minority I am not a part of as I couldn’t even finish the damn thing. I still don’t know why the first six chapters were named after colors.

Paradox Lost - George Mann A perfectly serviceable Past/future duel story. But it was the first Doctor Who book I ever got so it holds a special place in my heart.

Dead of Winter - James Goss This book takes full advantage of the fact that it’s a none visual tie-in to a visual medium. I also love the way it was told, through letters and logs mixed with some first person. If I had to pick something to grip about it, Amy and Rory are not the most in character for the point they’re supposed to be at. I’d nearly say the Doctor is too, but given what happens to him in it, he has a right to be a bit crabby. It’s one that begs to be read at least twice.

Borrowed Time - Naomi A. Alderman Its premise is based on a pun, it features an economic lesson, and it has a taste of that UNIT/Torchwood rivalry I so desperately crave there to be. On that I recommend it. The story’s decent too.

Hunter’s Moon - Paul Finch The Most Dangerous Game only with more alien ran human trafficking rings. I think you can probably figure out if you’ll like it from that.

Touched by an Angel - Johnathan Morris Basic ‘living through the past’ story. Nothing to write home about. Though it ran on the logic that there’s a different branch of Weeping Angels that actually feeds on paradoxes, but I feel it rather throws the Angels’ lore for too much of a loop.

The Dalek Generation - Nicholas Briggs When I first read this, I really liked it. Mostly for the Doctor going all dad mode on these three orphans. But then I listened through Eight’s Big Finish range and, yeah, this is just an average Nick Briggs Dalek wank fest.

...I mean, I know Dalek stories means he automatically gets a role, but this is a book and can he not write anything else?

Dark Horizons - Jenny T. Colgan (as J.T. Colgan) Colgan’s debut Doctor Who story. And a damn good one. It’s also got a place in my heart as the second Who book I ever got, so I might be a touch bias about it.

Plague of the Cybermen - Justin Richards This one didn’t leave much of an impact on me. I think the Cybermen were better used in it than in any New Who episodes (and I’ve got some opinions on how they’ve been used in New Who), but not well enough to push the story above ‘perfectly serviceable’.

The Silent Stars Go By - Dan Abnett I think it’s ironic that the guy who created the current iteration of Guardians of the Galaxy would write for a character played by Karen Gillian, who would go on to be in the film version of that comic. Life’s funny like that. As for the book, it’s one I really like, but I’m a sucker for Ice Warriors. And for some reason, all the chapter titles are from old Christmas and winter songs despite that not really being the thematic tone the book’s going for.

Shroud of Sorrow - Tommy Donbavand This book is weird.

The Crawling Terror - Mike Tucker I was so confused when they started talking about the daddy long-leg flying. It’s like, spiders can’t fly-oh wait, they use that name for a different bug. It’s serviceable. Unless you have a fear of bugs, in which case you’ll probably wanna skip this one.

The Blood Cell - James Goss Could’ve been as good as Dead of Winter if Goss had thrown in more than the one perspective, but still good if you like your stories hella dark with a side helping of anti-vax bashing.

Silhouette - Justin Richards My favorite of Richards. It’s got a good atmosphere, some nice character analysis of the Doctor, and makes good use of the Paternoster Gang. They really should have their own book series.

Royal Blood - Una McCormack Man, Una McCormack really likes writing other planets pre-industrial. This book makes good use of the story beats of the King Arthur story. At least until it hammers it over the head by throwing in someone claiming to be Lancelot.

Big Bang Generation - Gary Russell The plot’s a bit hard to follow and there was too much changing time at the end, but fans of Bernice Summerfield should get a kick out of her entry back into book format. It claims to be part of the Glamour storyline from a couple of books from the Ten and Eleven era of NSA I don’t have that Royal Blood and Deep Time continue. Doesn’t. That the thing in this is also called the Glamour is just a wacky coincident.

Deep Time - Trevor Baxendale Nice, dark story. Not much else I have to say on it.

Diamond Dogs - Mike Tucker Starts with the Doctor taking Bill on his regular trip to steal a diamond to fund his and Nardole’s life style at the university. And people say this man’s a role model. Surprisingly, I’d have to say all three of the books in this set are really good and recommendable.

The Shining Man - Cavan Scott A nice dive back into that Fairy World concept used in the first series of Torchwood. And see last sentence of last review.

Plague City - Johnathan Morris It’s set in plague ridden Edinburgh, so you know it’s gonna be depressing. In fact, that’s rather its theme. Only problem I had with it is that it phonically spells out the accents (writing equivalent of bad fake accents).

And that’s it on the full novels I have, how ‘bout them anthology books? I’ll take these in release order.

Tales of Trenzalore

Let It Snow - Justin Richards The twist of it is obvious from page one, but I still thought it was a pretty good use of overcoming the truth field. But again, I am a sucker for Ice Warriors.

An Apple a Day - George Mann Somebody lobbed a mass of carnivorous vegetable matter into an arctic region and expected it to work. It’s the first story to feature that the Doctor’s lost his leg at some point doing his time on Trenzalore. It’s a nice metaphor to show he’s unable to runaway from the situation by making him literally unable to runaway.

Strangers in the Outland - Paul Finch And the Nestene Consciousness could’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that pesky reentry heat.

The Dreaming - Mark Morris I dunno, I just find it hard to believe that after seven hundred years living there, the Doctor wouldn’t know a local story that had been passed down through the centuries of something that had only happened two hundred years before he arrived. Otherwise, a good introduction to the Macra for someone like me who knows nothing about the Macra.

Overall thoughts - a good glimpse into what the Doctor’s life on Trenzalore was like. A bit of proof-in-concept that a full range of stories set in this time could work (*cough*Big Finish*cough*)

The Legends of Ashildr

The Arabian Knightmare - James Goss The real nightmare is the formatting of this story. Not only is it just a mess, but it’s really bad misappropriation of the One Thousand and One Arabian Nights and the tale of Sherazade. And it ends on this really hack job moral it did nothing to deserve, Goss, you’re one of my favorite writers; why you gotta do me bad like this?

The Fortunate Isles - David Llewellyn It was a decent story until it turned into just another case of future people making historical humans fight in gladiatorial type arenas.

The Triple Knife - Jenny T. Colgan It’s the story of Ashildr losing her children to the Black Death. Did this really have to be told, though? I mean, the story’s good, but wasn’t the way she talked about it in the Woman Who Lived enough? But I suppose my only real gripe is that I didn’t think aliens needed to be involved in it. Well, that and they deleted the scene in the episode that makes the ending of this story make sense.

The Ghosts of Branscombe Wood - Justin Richards I liked this one. It was the only one in this I felt truly warranted existing. The story was good, unlike the first one, and Ashildr actually had reason to be involved in the situation, unlike the second one.

Overall thoughts - I think it came out too soon. Honestly, they just seemed to be counting their chickens before they hatched with how soon after series nine this came out. And I wasn’t thrilled that none of these stories took place in any time after the industrial revolution. I don’t want more Renaissance Ashildr; I want 1980s Ashildr. I want this ancient Viking soul in pastel leg warmers and hoop earrings wide enough to drive a semi-truck through.

The Legends of River Song

Picnic at Asgard - Jenny T. Colgan I think between this and the end of the Husbands of River Song, half the fan fics under the Doctor/River tab on AO3 are dead. Twas a terrible double massacre. It’s a nice little fluff piece, though the baby talk seems a bit out of place. And as a theme park connoisseur, I appreciate the setting.

Suspicious Minds - Jacqueline Rayner I wouldn’t have said that line River said in the Big Bang about having once dated a Nestene duplicate with swappable heads could warrant its own story, but this actually makes that work. Mainly because that’s not the focus of the story. The story is actually mostly about the duplicate and him getting to keep his own agency when faced with getting taken over by the Nestene consciousness again. That and Raynor has the Doctor go on a date with River and the duplicate.

A Gamble with Time - Steve Lyons Probably the weakest story in this set, but still a good read. Apart from all the ‘dear diary’s.

Death in New Venice - Guy Adams The only one in this that has nothing at all to do with the Doctor. He is not mentioned once, and it’s not missing anything because. It’s a good solo River story that explores how she is outside of her relationship with the Doctor.

River of Time - Andrew Lane Some sweet, sweet Ancient Gallifreyan lore. I’ll eat that stuff right up. It also goes into some minor details in River’s standings with the archeological community and the conditions of her stay in Stormcage.

Overall thoughts - Oh yes, this is much better. Rather than a quick tie-in like the Ashildr book, this is clearly written by and for people who love River Song. None of them quite do River’s voice properly, but that’s nothing more than a nitpick.

The American Adventures - Justin Richards

All that Glitters Boring. Next

Off the Trail You have died of uninteresting plot development.

Ghosts of New York Might have actually been a tiny bit interesting if it had been set in literally any other city.

Taking the Plunge That’s not how roller coasters work!!!!!

Spectator Sport Interesting concept. Still boring

Base of Operation Gonna be honest, completely forgot this one existed

Overall thoughts - Did anyone wants this? Did Justin Richards even want this? Given that the place in the book that has his name on it is the copyright page, I really don’t think the answer is yes. This book is such a quota filler. Like they had to fill in that third slot for 2016 somehow and so threw a dart and wrote about whatever it landed on.

And that brings to all my half novels. The Summer Falls and other stories collection and those short Eleventh Doctor stories that had originally been published in that annoying double sided format but had all gotten reprinted into their own books throughout last year.

We’ll start on the former.

Summer Falls - James Goss At ninety five pages, this clearly ain’t the book Clara read. The only way this version can conceivably be considered canon to the show is if it’s meant to be the ‘abridged to hell and back’ version. And it reads like it. Like with all the Harry Potter movies after Prisoner of Azkaban, this is nothing more than the bare bones skeleton of good and compelling story.

The Angels Kiss - Justin Richards Yeah, this one’s not great. Richards clearly isn’t at home writing in first person and a half prequel to the Angels Take Manhattan just maybe wasn’t the best idea. I think the point was to set up the idea that the Melody Malone book is part of a whole series of books in verse, which was picked up on with a line in the first series of the Diary of River Song, but it’s just too half-hearted to be a good execution of it. And I think, in verse, a series based on Melody Malone is more like to be ghost written by Amy than River, but take that as a bonus headcanon.

Devil in the Smoke - Justin Richards Richards clearly is at home writing for the Paternoster Gang, though. Between this and Silhouette, why is there not a book series for them yet?

Terrible Lizards - Johnathan Green An important PSA to all the young British children on how you should never set foot on a square inch of Florida not owned by Disney. If the temporally displaced prehistoric monsters don’t kill you, the drunk, helmet-less collage students on moterbikes will.

Rain of Terror - Mike Tucker Yeah, that’s totally not a pun I’ve heard before. This one’s probably my favorite out of what I’ve got of these.

Underwater War - Richard Dinnick Oh my gosh, Rory actually doing nursing stuff? Why, that’s just unheard of! Yeah, this one was okay.

System Wipe - Oli Smith I’m running out of things to say. These stories mostly just exist. This one was decent.

Heart of Stone - Trevor Baxendale Wash, rinse, repeat. This one had the undertone of the country vs city debate. I hate that debate.

Death Riders - Justin Richards Oh hey, one I actually have something to talk about. Because this one wasn’t good. Amy and Rory were so far out of character they were just flat out not Amy and Rory, and the first half was filled with lines being repeated so Richards could crawl his way to that word count.

Extra Time - Richard Dungworth Rory gets reduced down to the stereotype that all Englishmen obsessively love football. I’d say at least the alien was cool, but as that was basically the B plot to Rory’s whole thing, there’s rather a damper on it.

My next set of reviews is for that ‘Twelve Doctors, Twelve Stories’ novella set from the anniversary year. They were written by actual big name authors of whom I only recognize three of. And one’s only because he’s the guy who’d go on to write Class.

A Big Hand for the Doctor - Eoin Colfer You know, just because the Doctor is this big heroic character that will always try to save everyone he can now doesn’t mean it’s in character for One to be this way, especially since this story likely takes place before meeting Ian and Barbra. That’s the result of years of character development. He was kind of an asshole at first.

The Nameless City - Michael Scott If you ever wanted a story where Jamie McCrimmon meets and is duped by the Master to trap the Doctor, this is your story.

The Spear of Destiny - Marcus Sedgwick A rather confusing title and McGuffin given that the Spear of Destiny is a Christian relic and this story is about Norse pantheon.

The Roots of Evil - Philip Reeve It’s a bunch of asshole tree people trying to kill Four for something Eleven does. Oddly worked for me. Four does not have nice things to say about Eleven’s fashion choice, though Leela seems to like how young he looks.

Tip of the Tongue - Patrick Ness Five cameos in his own story. That’s just fantastic. I’m being sarcastic here.

Something Borrowed - Richelle Mead My first and so far only taste of the Rani. I think I might’ve liked this one if it hadn’t have been in first person.

Spore - Alex Scarrow This one was interesting, I guess.

The Beast of Babylon - Charlie Higson I think it tries to do the same thing as Dead of Winter and Natural History of Fear and subverts your expectations on the identity of a character, but given that it’s in regards to the one-off companion’s identity, it comes off as more of a narrative cheat. I will give this story one thing, though: it does setup a foothold for Ninth Doctor adventures between when he left Rose at the end of her titular episode and when he went back for her.

The Mystery of the Haunted Cottage - Derek Landy I think this was trying to be a Celestial Toy Maker story, but without the racism. But they also didn’t wanna retcon anything so they borrowed ideas from the Land of Fiction. But I don’t know enough about either of those things to be sure.

Nothing O’Clock - Neil Gaiman. Exactly what you’d expect from a Neil Gaiman story. Though I don’t like how it basically screws over Amy’s character in the first half of series five.

Lights Out - Holly Black Look, I know this was written before there was really anything out for Twelve, but did we really need a story for Twelve getting that coffee for him and Clara between Deep Breath and Into the Dalek? Otherwise, a solid story.

And now for the Super Mega Bonus Round: the Heroes and Monsters Collection. A collection of short stories, most that had been initially published in the Doctor Who Files and the official annuals but a few that were made for this.

And it looks like I’m gonna have to plumb the copyright page for the authors’ names. Joy.

The Stranger - Gary Russell The only story for War in the this. The main thing it does is highlight a tactic used in the Time War.

The Hero Factor - Stephen Cole The Doctor gets trapped in a talk show trying to kill him. Um... don’t have anything to say about this.

Mission to Galaction - Justin Richards At first I was laughing at the Daleks getting their comeuppance. And then I was reminded of what the Daleks are capable of.

Stamp of Approval - Jacqueline Rayner This read like a genuine letter. I really liked that about it.

The Final Darkness - Stephen Cole Just goes through the Sycorax ship logs throughout the Christmas Invasion. That’s not a story.

No Fun at the Fair - Jacqueline Rayner Slitheen. Joy.

Taking Mickey - Justin Richards A story that lets Mickey Smith show what he’s capable of. That’s worth more than its word count in gold.

Needlepoint - Justin Richards Because people don’t fear old ladies enough, I guess.

A Dog’s Life - Justin Richards K-9′s logs of his life with Sarah-Jane. This one’s kinda sweet and a bit sad.

The Secret of the Stones -Justin Richards Retconned by the Pandorica Opens.

The Planet that Wept - Justin Richards When will this Justin Richards streak end?! Oh yeah, the story’s pretty interesting.

Disappearing Act - Justin Richards Goddamn it! There’s an Ood and a magician and- I don’t know. You can’t expect me to have an opinion on all of these.

Once upon a Time - Justin Richards Forgot this one existed.

Best Friends - Justin Richards Something, something, Jack Harkness. Don’t remember this one either.

Most Beautiful Music - Justin Richards A nice, tragic tale of a boy and his musical instrument and greedy business men willing to sell the two’s souls for an endless cash cow.

Secret of Arkatron - Justin Richards Still with the Justin Richards stuff. Amy and the Doctor do Scooby-Doo.

Blind Terror - Justin Richards A snapshot of the Sontaran-Ruton war. Actually, my favorite story in this book.

Amy’s Escapade and Rory’s Adventure - Justin Richards Technically two stories, but they both covered the same events from different perspectives. My main take away was that it started with the Doctor practically pushing Amy and Rory out of the TARDIS. Hmm, I wonder if the two knew their daughter was on the planet.

The Fifty-year Delay - Moray Laing Hoorah! Somebody who’s not Justin Richards! Shame it’s on another one I don’t remember. Something about trains and time birds.

Birth of a Legend - Justin Richards The Cult of Skaro origins I don’t think anyone asked for.

Lorna’s Escape - Jason Loborik Sometimes I think that Doctor Who EU writers know that sometimes things are better left to the imagination. This is one of those times.

Going Off the Rails - Justin Richards I like stories that show children are perfectly capable of dealing with danger on their own. That they’re intelligent enough to problem solve their way through things.

Normality - Gary Russell A nice character piece for Clara. Also, giant tardigrades, am I right? I’m looking at you, Star Trek Disco.

When the Wolves Came - Moray Laing I have no idea what is happening in this one and it’s not because I forgot this time.

Buyer’s Remorse - Gary Russell Twelve has to deal with black market space EBay trying to sell his TARDIS back to him and it’s actually kinda funny.

And I’m done. And I’m exhausted and never doing this again.

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junker-town · 5 years ago

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Tactically Naive: Euro 2020 qualifying is really upping the weirdness

Everything you need to know about this delightful mess of a tournament.

Hello, and welcome back to Tactically Naive, SB Nation’s weekly soccer column. In this week’s slightly delayed edition, we look back at the grand sprawling mess of Euro 2020 qualifying, which came to an end — almost, sort of — this week.

And after 18 months hard qualifying, it’s time to say goodbye to ... San Marino

Well, not quite. But there are 24 teams going to Euro 2020: that’s going on half of Europe’s 55 footballing nations. 20 are through, with four spots left to fill. And UEFA have jazzed up the playoffs. Once upon a time, two teams would have played home and away for each place. Now, four teams will play for each spot: semi-finals, then a final.

More football! Glorious football!

So that’s 20 teams already qualified, and 16 more playing off for the last four places. Which means that after a couple years of qualifying, and a Nations League tournament as well, we’ve managed to eliminate ... yep, just 19 teams from contention. Have to imagine those 19 are feeling pretty silly right now.

Of course, it’s kind of nice to keep so many teams involved for so long. And we certainly haven’t missed the friendlies. But it’s hard not to feel like UEFA saw people say, “Eh, this Europa League’s a bit weird, isn’t it?” and thought, “Weird? You wait. We’ll show you weird.”

Groups! Get your groups!

The weirdness doesn’t stop there. Because Euro 2020: Michel Platini’s Grand Tour will be held across most of Europe (and just a smidge of Eurasia), the draw for the groups is being finessed. If a host team qualifies, they get to play at home.

Makes sense. Cuts down on air miles. They’ll know the good restaurants already.

So we already know, for example, that Italy are in Group A, because three of Group A’s games take place at the Stadio Olimpico in Rome. And we know that Germany are in Group F, to be held in part at Bayern Munich’s Allianz Arena. And Russia and Denmark both have to go into Group B, because that’s where Group B will happen.

But wait! Ukraine can’t go into the same group as Russia, for reasons of ongoing geopolitical unpleasantness. So they have to go into Group C, leaving only Belgium able to occupy the top spot in Group B. In summary, before the draw has even taken place, Group B is three-quarters full: Belgium, Russia, Denmark.

And just to lessen the tension even further, there are only two teams that can fit into the fourth spot:

Due to the host requirements, Wales and Finland can only be drawn into Group A or B. France are guaranteed to draw one of Spain, Italy, England or Germany. Portugal have 80% chance of drawing one of Spain, Italy, England or Germany (Ukraine other poss).

— Dale Johnson (@DaleJohnsonESPN) November 20, 2019

World Cup champions in danger?!

France’s qualification was ... well, it was basically fine. They topped Group H by a clear six points and only lost once in ten games. Job done.

But! When it comes to drawing the groups, the teams are allocated into pots according to their qualifying performances, and France ended up performing comparatively worse than six other teams, most notably and surprisingly Ukraine. That puts them in pot 2, which creates the situation in the tweet above when combined with the requirement that hosts play at home.

So that’s one of Spain, Italy, England, or Germany, all set to have their house party ruined by the arrival of the World Cup champions. There’s also the possibility, albeit remote, that Portugal end up in the same group as France and Another Big Team. Cross your lucky rabbit fingers, and we might just get a Group of Death worthy of the name.

Finland, Finland, Finland

We don’t have the final list of qualifiers yet, so there’s every chance this could change, but as it stands Finland are the only team that will be making their European Championships debut in Russia, or Denmark, or wherever the hell they end up.

This came as a shock to Tactically Naive. First, we were surprised that Jari Litmanen had never masterminded something beautiful to get Finland to a major tournament; and then we were outraged that Jari Litmanen had never graced a major tournament. Come on, football. Do better.

But who needs Litmanen, when you’ve got Teemu Pukki and Tim Sparv? Where Iceland went four years ago, Finland go this time around, and the whole world will be waiting to see if they can deliver the same glorious outcome: making England look ridiculous in front of the whole continent.

One day, when things settle down, I’ll try and describe what it means to us. Today though, I just wanna say thanks. Thank you for being there during the hard times. Thank you for believing. Thank you for helping us make history. We’ll be forever grateful. ( :Jussi Eskola SPL) pic.twitter.com/GGxbhcksCB

— Tim Sparv (@TimSparv) November 17, 2019

Cymru am byth

Let’s check in with Gareth Bale, who is still — despite Real Madrid’s best efforts over the summer — being paid sackloads of cash on a weekly basis.

The extent to which Bale no longer gives a single solitary shit really is very enjoyable. pic.twitter.com/eflCjhq7Pi

— Nick Miller (@NickMiller79) November 20, 2019

Back to Spurs in January, then.

The Red Misery

There can’t be many managers who have capped off a successful, unbeaten qualifying campaign with a 5-0 win, then immediately left the stadium in a flood of tears and lost their job shortly afterwards.

So pour one out for Robert Moreno — the former assistant manager to Luis Enrique at Roma, Celta, Barcelona, and then Spain — who took over as the Spanish national team coach in March after Enrique stepped down to spend time with his sick daughter. Nine games, seven wins, 29 goals and one “permanent” contract later, he’s been sacked. Enrique is coming back.

We’re guessing Moreno won’t be alongside him. This should have been a heartwarming story: one friend keeps the ship steady for another, who then returns from personal tragedy to lead his country again. Instead, per Sid Lowe, it seems Moreno was given assurances that were then undermined behind his back. And so, tears.

It wasn’t so two years ago, when Julen Lopetegui was sacked two days before the World Cup started for his heavy flirting with Real Madrid. Since then, Spain have been coached by Fernando Hierro, Enrique, Moreno, and now Enrique again. Given that Spain might be the most extravagantly talented footballing nation in the world, it’s a good job that they are constantly wracked with chaos. Otherwise nobody else would stand a chance.

To absent hosts

For the first time in Euros history, the hosts will be missing the tournament. Well, at least two of the 12 (twelve!) hosts: Azerbaijan are out, and two from Hungary, Romania, and Scotland will end up in the same playoff group.

The general consensus is that home advantage is helpful in football, and that this is exacerbated in tournaments. It seems that a national party can enhance a team’s performances far beyond expectations. Think of Russia storming through their World Cup to everybody’s great surprise, including possibly their own.

So will all these home teams have a kind of double advantage? And will this skew the tournament against the other 12 teams that are playing but not hosting? England will play three games at Wembley, a stadium in which they last lost in 2016, in front of what we can assume will be a predominantly England-supporting crowd. It might make an English group stage actually fun.

But alternatively, perhaps the disparate nature of the tournament will work against the usual tournament bounce. It’s hard to roar “It’s our time!” when you need a footnote. It’s coming home, Wembley will sing, and maybe it is. But it’s going to Rome, and Budapest, and Munich, and doing a whole mess of interrailing first.

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gadgetsrevv · 5 years ago

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Harry Kane has declined over the past year. Should Spurs fans be concerned?

If you had to guess, you could probably get most of the names. Over the past 10 years, who would be on the top 10 for most shots attempted in a single Premier League season?

The list doubles as a pretty good summation of the most impactful players in the league over that span. There’s Luis Suarez, who is on there twice. Wayne Rooney is on there. So is Cristiano Ronaldo. The two defining Chelsea players of the era, Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba, both make appearances, as do Gareth Bale and Robin van Persie. All legendary figures, able to prop up the attacks of some of the best teams in the league, all on their own.

You know who else belongs in that group? Harry Kane — or, at least, he used to.

– ESPN’s Ultimate XI: This team would win everything – Ian Darke: What could derail Man City and Liverpool this season? – Graham Hunter: The legend of Samuel Eto’o

In 2017-18, Kane took 184 shots. Since 2008, which is as far back as TruMedia’s dataset goes, only Suarez (187 in the 2012-13 campaign) attempted more. Like Suarez, Kane is the only player with two seasons that fit into that aforementioned top 10, as his 158 shots in ’15-16 rank exactly 10th, and that’s without even mentioning the year in between.

A couple of weeks ago, I picked Kane as the best attacker in the league for the ’16-17 season. That year, he became one of only six players this decade to break the 1.00 non-penalty-goals-plus-assists-per-90-minutes mark. Had Mohamed Salah not put together the best non-Luis Suarez attacking season in Premier League history, I would have picked Kane for the next year, too. With his 28 non-penalty goals, Kane has been surpassed by only Suarez and Salah (31) in this decade. His two-season total of 52 from 2016 to now is the best back-to-back run of the past 10 years; the same is true if we extend it back to a third year. He scored 72 non-penalty goals from 2015 through 2018, and no other three-season run comes even close.

At the end of the ’17-18 season, Kane was just 25, with years left of his prime. Although Tottenham hadn’t won a trophy, Kane’s ascension coincided with Spurs rising into the Premier League top four and staying there. He’d already become a legendary, talismanic figure, winning two Golden Boots in a row. The season that snapped his streak doubled as one of the best individual goal-scoring seasons in league history.

Kane’s doing just fine for England, but goals and impact have been much harder for him to come by at Tottenham, especially in 2019.

Kane was a bona fide superstar with the potential to get even better. Like Lampard, Rooney and Steven Gerrard before him, he’d become the kind of player continental giants like Real Madrid and Barcelona would soon try to pry away from the Premier League.

Except Kane hasn’t been that player since the 2018 season ended, and perhaps even before then.

Last season, Kane scored 13 non-penalty goals, a total that’s been matched by the likes of Yakubu, Gabriel Agbonlahor, Andy Carroll, Peter Odemwingie and Grant Holt. Given Tottenham’s lackluster performance in the second half of the previous Premier League season and their struggles to start the 2019-20 edition, there are plenty of questions surrounding the future of their manager, Mauricio Pochettino, and ever-present stars such as Christian Eriksen, Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld, who all have just a year remaining on their contracts. But the most important question for the club going forward might actually be this one: What are they going to get from Harry Kane?

Here is Kane’s season-by-season goal and expected-goal production, per 90 minutes:

And here’s his shot output:

What can we take from this? Outside of 2017-18, Kane’s underlying performance has remained impressively consistent. In his four other full seasons as a starter (not counting this partial season) he took around the same number of shots of roughly the same quality. The reason that 2016-17’s goal-scoring efficiency matches, and actually improves on, ’17-18 is that Kane couldn’t stop picking out the corners.

According to TruMedia’s post-shot xG model, Kane’s shooting (i.e., where he placed the ball on the goal frame) added a whopping 0.2 xG to his shots per 90 minutes. Finishing, though, is unpredictable from year to year and most players regress toward their xG numbers, so Kane was able to reach the same heights the next year because of the massive increase in shots. The year before produced world-class results on an unsustainable process, and it seemed as if he’d figured out a way to make the results stick.

That, of course, hasn’t happened.

Just look at the massive drop-off after the 2017-18 season. Last season, Kane posted the lowest non-penalty shot, goal and xG rates of his career. Per 90 minutes, he took the fifth-most shots in the league, registered the ninth-most xG and scored the 12th-most goals. He has played only 360 minutes so far this season, but they haven’t provided any signs that the trend lines will start pointing in the other direction, as his shots and xG per 90 are both significantly lower than they were last year.

This is Kane’s shot map from the ’17-18 season. Green dots are goals, and the bigger the dot, the higher the xG:

And this is how last year and this year have looked, combined:

Translating the above, Kane has cut down on the shots from outside the box, which is probably a good thing given how few of them have gone in. And he’s still getting a healthy number of chances from the edge of the six-yard box and in. Except, superstars can’t subsist on a “tap-ins only” diet. So many of Kane’s shots between the six- and 18-yard box have disappeared. Those shots are hard to get, given how that area is always packed with bodies, but basically every elite goal scorer consistently finds a way — whether through intelligent off-ball movement, tight-area footwork to create space, a quick release to get off a shot or all three — to produce a high volume of attempts from that space.

For reference, take a look at Robert Lewandowski‘s shot map from last season in the Bundesliga:

The most hopeful explanation for Kane’s decline is injuries. Normalizing his production to per-90-minutes should eliminate the effects of lost time, but Kane has arguably been playing through injuries for the past 18 months and it has affected his performance even when he has made it onto the field. (Worse still, his fitness hasn’t always lined up with teammates, with Dele Alli battling injuries and Eriksen having endured a tough start to the season.)

More from Ryan O’Hanlon: – Sergino Dest is proof of U.S. Soccer’s progress – Who has been the Premier League’s best attacker, 2010-19? – Why being good at set pieces can win you trophies

In March 2018, Kane injured his ankle in a game against Bournemouth. He’d scored 24 goals in his first 28 games of the season but managed only six more after missing two games because of that ankle knock. Then, rather than resting for the summer, he played a full slate of World Cup matches for England. Last season, he missed eight games with a torn ankle ligament in January and then another nine with another ligament injury in April. He rushed back to start the Champions League final and was completely ineffective, registering just a solitary attempt on goal in garbage time after Liverpool had gone up 2-0.

With two Nations League games with England this past summer, Kane hasn’t really had much time to heal. If he ever gets that, maybe we’ll see his numbers start to tick back up for his club.

However, when asked, Tottenham have been quick to insist that Kane isn’t hurt, and with each passing game, the best version of Kane gets further away.

Kane did add four assists last year to make up for some of the decline in scoring. However, all of his non-shot production — chances created, through balls played, passes completed in the final third — has remained relatively stable or declined slightly. It’s possible that the succession of injuries means the old Kane will never come back. It’s also possible that Kane just experienced two career years in succession — one via his finishing and one via his overall performance — and his true level is somewhere around what we saw last year. A very good Premier League player, but not an all-conquering, world-class attacker.

Given the financial resources of their closest competitors, in England and in Europe, Tottenham must have worried about losing their superstar one day. It’s doubtful, though, that they ever envisioned it would happen quite like this.

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