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neowinestainedress · 2 years

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happier | lee haechan, lee jeno

title: happier (finale) | part two | masterlist

pairing: lee haechan x oc/fem reader, lee jeno x fem!oc/reader | side member: huang renjun

genre: song-fic, (light) angst, smut, fluff, lovers to exes to ?, friends to fwb to ? | requested and inspired by happier by olivia rodrigo (and 1 step forward, 3 steps back and favorite crime)

warnings: angst, implied past bullying and depression, one mention of vomiting but no mention of an eating disorder, smut, sex with multiple partners (not all together), protected and unprotected sex, oral sex (f receiving), multiple orgasms, semi-public sex, jealous ‘sex’ (not rough), thigh riding, mainly written from haechan’s pov.

summary: Haechan can’t live with the weight of losing her forever, he can live even less with the fear that she might be happier with Jeno. He wonders if he’s still in time to fix what he tore apart or if he’ll have to pay the price for what he did forever.

words: 20.600k

taglist: @thisbabydontstop @jaehyunsprincess @brightestmark @jellymoonbear @girlwholoveslpreppyattire @alalyahs @soobsfairy444 @hyuckscore @w3bqrl @rbf-aceu @liliansun @donutswithjaminthemiddle @champagne-n-yachts @kundann @kpopwh0r3

@bluegothsizzler @rllymark @reagiie @cherryblossom1818

a/n: can’t believe this series came to an end :( I’m sorry if I made you wait so long for this but I didn’t want to ruin everything by rushing it. Compared to the others it follows the song a bit less since there’s more plot. I hope you’ll like it, but I know there will be divided opinions about the ending so I’m curious to know your opinions! Let me know what you think with comments, reblogs or asks ♡ Also I’m not sure all the tags worked, it kept finding or not finding certain accounts based on where I put them, so I’m sorry if you’re not actually tagged, it did the same with the taglist in the masterlist and I don’t know what’s the problem.

It had been almost a year since they broke up and Haechan should’ve been the last one to feel this way. Yet, here he was. Broken.

It had taken him time, too much time, to realize what he had lost and all the pain he had put her through, and now the guilt was eating him alive.

Haechan truly thought he didn’t love her anymore. He thought that his heart was detached from everything that had happened between them and all she used to mean to him. But he was hit by the realization when she started to show up with their group of friends at Jeno’s side.

It wasn’t even when Jeno started to drag her along again, his doubts started to creep in long before that. It was like Renjun got off seeing him suffer and loved to remind him every second how happy she was without him. His friend was smart, he never brought her up straightforwardly, not while he was talking directly to him. But Renjun kept saying how happy she was, how more beautiful she looked, how it looked like she had found peace.

For a while, he thought Renjun was lying, that she couldn’t be happier without him. But apparently, she was.

Haechan started to suspect something was going on between her and Jeno when his best friend started spending his day on the phone, always with a dumb smile on his face. And Haechan wanted to fight him so badly but he knew he had no right to get in between their happiness.

Haechan had fucked it up. And there was nothing he could do to fix it.

He could only sit in silence and try to don’t boil in anger every time she sat on top of Jeno when they hung out all together.

“You okay?” He could hear Jeno whisper, his chin resting on her shoulder as he smiled at her. And Haechan felt a twinge in his chest when she looked down at him, nose scrunching up, smiling at him and telling him she was fine.

That was his place.

Or maybe not, because now that he thought about it, he never asked her if she was okay or if his friends were overwhelming. Now that he thought about it, he never let her sit on his lap, and caressed her hands, because he couldn’t stand being so close in front of his friend, too busy thinking about their judgment than thinking about loving her.

Haechan couldn’t help but be tormented by them. She truly was shining, and Jeno was so sweet with her, he couldn’t stop wondering if she had forgotten about him and what had been between them.

And when their eyes met for a second and he couldn’t see her familiar gaze anymore, he wondered; did it mean she forgot about him?

And Jeno probably spent days telling her she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and that was what she deserved. But Haechan couldn’t stand the idea that she told the same to him.

He couldn’t stand that she did the same things she used to do with him.

She loved seeing Jeno dancing. From the stage, Haechan couldn’t help but look at her only to be disappointed because her attention wasn’t on him.

And when the show ended she ran to Jeno and not to him. They didn’t kiss, not on the lips, at least, but the way she hugged him tight and kissed his cheek was enough to make his heart fall on the floor and let an elephant step on it.

She complimented his smile way too much. And Haechan could only think about their evenings spent together, when she would lay on top of him and poke his cheeks, kissing his lips softly before telling him how much she loved his smile. He couldn’t believe that maybe she was doing the same with Jeno, that she was tangled up in someone’s bed and that was all his fault.

Every time they were together it got a bit worse, they were always closer with each passing day. Physically with light touches. And mentally, finishing each other sentences, and laughing at the same jokes.

It shouldn’t have fazed him, but Haechan felt his stomach twist every time. He hurt himself even more wondering how serious their story was getting. Was Jeno seducing her with the ‘eternal love bullshit’ he never believed in? Or were they just playing around? He didn’t think it was a way to make him jealous, but was it necessary to act like that in front of him? Acting as if he wasn’t there. Acting as if he never existed.

And Haechan tried to find flaws in Jeno, trying to hate every good thing about his best friend just so that he could sleep at night. But he couldn’t find it, he knew him, and he could, unfortunately, see how happy Jeno made her.

Haechan tried to hold back the bitter, disgusted grin on his lips every time he saw her laugh or smile at his words. He wondered if Jeno gave her butterflies, if Jeno made her feel a bit of what he made her feel, if her heart beat just as loud as it did when they were together and if she ever showed him her real laugh. But the more he cut them apart the more he only got one answer, an answer he didn’t like.

Jeno gave her butterflies.

Haechan tried to move on, find other girls after Bora — no, it didn’t work out because Bora wasn’t her, because she couldn’t get him, because she couldn’t understand him the way she did.

And no other one-night stand could fill the void he felt in his chest. It wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about a brief sparkle of happiness. It was about love. It was about the person of his life, then one he lost because he put foolish things before her.

Days started blending into nights as he tried to find another reason to wake up every day and move on with his life. He felt like shit, the bags under his eyes getting darker and his cheeks getting hollow as the food in his plate dimmed more and more.

He was once again falling into the hole she got him out of. And he needed her. But not because he needed saving, not because he could leave her again once he was out of that, he needed her because he loved her. If things cracked in their last months together he realized that the so-called ‘freedom’ he wanted to have was nothing compared to having her.

He thought he needed to mirror himself in somebody that was like him but he didn’t realize that the reflection in the mirror that was distorted and he couldn’t recognize anymore was his, and not hers.

He needed to change. He needed to be better. He needed to grow.

Because she was still there.

With her comforting smiles. And her little clumsy dance steps. And her passion for history. And her flowy dresses she loved twirling around.

She was his reason, not because he was crawling on the floor again, but because nobody else could ever take her place.

So, he was getting on his knees, begging for forgiveness, low eyes staring down at the rug in front of her door because he couldn’t find the strength to see the disappointment in her eyes.

“What are you doing here?”

Her venous voice was enough to hurt him, to hit him straight into his heart like an arrow, not a Cupid one but a hate arrow, piercing him, making him bleed.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he confessed, voice so low she could barely hear what he was saying.

“Do what?” She asked, staring at him, feeling her heart twist when he lifted his head and his eyes were red and glossy, and tears were streaking down his face.

“I can’t be without you anymore.”

She snorted before slamming the door close, but his hand was faster at blocking it, his broken eyes silently begging her for another chance.

“Don’t,” she warned, glaring at him, voice cutting in her throat.

“Please, please, just one more chance,” he begged, voice broken, lips shaking and she had to close her eyes because she wasn’t going to let him have so much power over her ever again.

“I don’t need your crocodile tears, Haechan,” she replied, trying to push the door close, but he was stronger than her and she could only give up.

“I’m honest, now. I lied to you enough, and look where it led us,” he said, staring into her eyes, showing her that he had never been more honest than this.

“Quick, tell me what you want, and then leave.”

“I want you back,” he said forwardly, and the look in her eyes should’ve made him take a step back, or maybe run away immediately, but he didn’t. Haechan could see she was mad, but he had to try. “I was an asshole. Now I know. I should’ve seen what I had when I had you. I should’ve paid you attention. I should’ve cherished you and yet I took you for granted.”

“And that’s not my problem,” she replied sternly.

“I was too dumb, I was so focused on me and my dreams that I forgot you were part of my dreams too.”

“You’re only mad because I’m not yours anymore. You hate seeing me happy with someone else, you hate that I’m happier with Jeno than I’ve ever been happy with you.”

His lips started shaking. “That’s not true,” he mumbled. “You’re not happier. I know you’re not. You can’t be happier with him.”

“Why not?” She asked, daring him. “What have you done for me in the last year, Haechan? I was like a toy for you, sitting nicely on one of your shelves, covered in dust, and broken, and instead of taking care of me, instead of treating me right, you went and bought another toy. And what a shame, it turned out it didn’t work, too.”

“It didn’t work because she wasn’t you, no one else will ever be you.”

She sighed deeply, trying to push back the tears, Haechan could see she was close to crying, she would always squeeze her eyes and nervously pinch the skin on her hand, he never got why, though. “See, that’s the thing with you, you think everybody owes you something. You think you can come here, cry a little, scream about how special I was, and everything will go back to normal as if nothing happened.”

“But —”

“No, let me talk,” she stopped him, tone stern, leaving no space to retort. “Being with you it’s a fucking roller coaster. It’s always one step forward and three steps back. I don’t know if you love me, want me, hate me, I don’t know. I have no idea what will strike a nerve and get you mad.”

“I know what I want now, I know I want you,” he replied, trying to reach for her but she stepped back.

“And have you wondered if you are the one that I want? You got me — you — fuck,” she cursed, clenching her fist, and throwing her head back. “You got me so fucked up in the head. You have no idea how much you made me doubt myself. I couldn’t see myself beautiful anymore, I hated my face, I hated my body. I thought I was unfunny. I thought I wasn’t smart. And,” she sighed, wiping away the tears that were rolling down her face. “I hate you, and I hate myself so much because I gave you so much power. I let you take away everything of me.”

“I can fix it. I know you felt like shit too since we’ve broken up. I know you miss it. Please,” he begged. Even though he felt unworthy, and guilty for all the things he said and did.

“It’s so easy for you,” she whispered. Going back in time hurt now, she was healing, slowly, but she was moving forward, and he was once again making her go back in the line of their story. “It’s back and forth with you. It’s a continuous push and pull that drove me insane. Every time wondering if I did something wrong, or maybe it was all your fault. But I never blamed you, I never thought that you were the problem in our story. I always blamed myself. And you have no idea how much that broke me.”

“No, I’ll do anything to prove to you how much I love you. I can mend your broken heart, I will give you mine if it’s what it would take to fix you.”

She lowered her head, and he couldn’t see her face, but he knew she was biting her lip to stop the sobs from rolling out.

“Remember what I promised you? What we promised each other? That we’d never part because we fit so well with each other and nobody else could come close to that.”

She chuckled bitterly, “I wasn’t the one breaking that promise apart.”

“I know, I’m not blaming you. It’s my fault, I was immature, I hurt you so bad. But I won’t do it again. I won’t break your heart again. I won’t make you feel like you’re not enough.”

“I just don’t get it. You had me in the palm of your hand, Haechan. I was right there, I would’ve never left. All you had to do was stay by my side and love me, and you didn’t. You left me the second I wasn’t as interesting anymore, the second I felt like a habit, an old one that you hate. How can I be sure you won’t do it again? How can I be sure there won’t be another Bora?”

“I’ll prove it to you. Test me. Do whatever you want.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want us to become toxic,” she said. “I don’t want to truly be the psycho-obsessed girlfriend that you always believed I was, because I wasn’t, and I’m not. I need to trust you, and if I started doubting that, it was because you gave me a reason.”

“Then how can I gain your trust again?”

She sniffled, resting against the door, feeling too tired to do this anymore. She looked at him. She couldn’t give him another chance.

“Work for it,” she replied weakly. “Prove me you care for me. Prove me you love me still. Do all the things you never did when we were together. Show me that you won’t turn to look at somebody else the first second I won’t be at my best.”

His eyes lit up, and he took a step forward but she stopped him.

“We’re not back together, Haechan,” she said sternly. “You have to woo me. You need to make me fall in love again, because right now, I don’t love you anymore.”

And those were the last words she said before closing the door, leaving him outside with the wind blowing on his face.

I don’t love you anymore.

That tore him apart. But if he made her fall once, he was going to make her fall twice.

And Haechan didn’t waste time.

The first thing that he did was send a bouquet of flowers to her place. He picked out her favorite flowers and also wrote a note with the lyrics of her favorite song. He wanted to give them to her, to see her reaction, but he decided to leave them out of her door, sure she would’ve loved the surprise after coming back from work.

And it worked.

She didn’t mean to be so happy about it but her heart flipped in her chest when she saw the flower lying there.

Then one morning when she was leaving for work she found a heart-shaped package full of chocolate on her car and a small note saying ‘With the hope that your day will be just as sweet.’

“No, why am I smiling like this, damn,” she cursed, opening the car door to get in, trying to calm her heartbeat. She surely loved the attention and nothing else. Haechan was long gone in the past and this was just her revenge to make him believe that he had a chance of taking her back. So she dropped the chocolates in the backseat and drove off to work, hoping to leave him behind.

But Haechan was firm. He had lost her once, he wasn’t going to make it happen twice. So he texted her a lot, telling her that a song on the radio reminded him of her, or sending her a video he found online sure that she was going to laugh, he even started sending her good morning and good night texts.

Haechan wasn’t even hurt that sometimes she didn’t answer, at least she wasn’t blocking him so that had to be good news, right? She had told him he was under a test and he wasn’t going to fail.

“Hi,” he cheered, waiting for her outside of work.

“Jesus, you scared me,” she replied, holding a hand on her chest and taking a deep breath while glaring at him. “What are you doing here?”

Haechan didn’t answer, he only lifted two tickets in his hands, waving them in front of her face.

“What are those?” She asked, starting to walk to reach the metro, but Haechan pulled her back, hands reaching for her wrist before she could slip away.

“There’s a Van Gogh exhibition in town. It’s for the 170 anniversary of his birth,” he explained, watching her eyes light up just hearing the name of the painter. She couldn’t say no, he was one of her top artists ever and she had told him countless times how badly she wanted to see his works.

“That’s — that’s so unfair,” she muttered, hugging her body after pulling away from his hold.

“You act as if I can infect you or something,” he replied annoyed.

“I just don’t want you to get too close to me, I know you and your…” she sighed. “Don’t get your hopes high. I’m only coming because I’m selfish and I want to watch the exhibit.”

But Haechan couldn’t care, it was a win for him anyway. He got to spend time with her and make her live an experience she wasn’t going to forget easily.

“So you are in?” He still asked, eyes lighting up in anticipation, watching her lips twitch as usual when she tried to hide her excitement.

“Yes, and let’s go before I change my mind.”

He let out a little cheer of victory before turning around and starting to walk toward the right metro that would’ve let them to the exposition. Fighting the urge to reach for her hand was hard but he couldn’t risk it now with bold moves that would’ve only scared her away.

“So, how was your day?” He asked, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans, if they were physically restricted he couldn’t do anything dumb.

“Good,” her answer was quick, almost stern if he wanted to look into it, and it made his heart clench.

“Can we not?” He asked, glimpsing at her. Hair flying in the air, eyes slightly narrowed, forming a cute furrow on her face as she tried to don’t let the wind bother her sight. But her features weren’t relaxed only because of the weather, he could feel the negativity come out of her.

“Do what?”

“Your answer and you being so distant to me.”

She sighed. “How can you expect any different? Try to appreciate I didn’t tell you to fuck off as soon as I saw you.”

Haechan didn’t answer, it was better than nothing but it wasn’t what he wanted, and he probably liked the silence of his phone not buzzing back when he sent a text over the silence she was reserving for him now. So he kept quiet for the rest of the walk, trying to convince himself that it was better than nothing. It was better than nothing.

“It’s interactive?” She asked when they entered the palace, skipping the line for the tickets since Haechan already bought them.

“Partially,” he explained. “I hope you’ll like it anyway.”

She only hummed, looking around to follow the signalled path and see the first paintings.

It didn’t go exactly as Haechan planned, she was roaming around the room keeping her distance, admiring the artworks on her own, and the few times they ended up watching the same panting she would move to another.

He hated it.

But he tried to take the best of the experience, she was cute with her small furrow as she studied the details of the artwork, or when she tried to read the description at the side. And he couldn’t hide the smile on her face when she snapped pictures, even if it hurt when she asked some other to take one for her instead of reaching out for him.

“Can I ask you why you like him so much?” He asked, finally blocking her in front of Wheatfield with Crows, Van Gogh’s last painting.

“Because he was lonely.”

He saw she was trying to find the words and waited for her patiently.

“He had this type of pain inside of him that makes him so real. It was like nobody could read him, not even his closest friends or lovers. And yet his pain was all there, in his works.”

“It’s sad.”

“It’s sad that people never hear others’ cries for help, it’s sad that we can only stop at the surface and never get deeper. It’s so easy to say that the world and humanity are rotting now but things weren’t so different decades ago.”

“I feel like you’re throwing shade at me.”

She chuckled, shaking her head, “Is it shade or is it the honest truth? You stopped seeing into my pain and started calling me crazy, and only when you realized what you lost you crawled back to me. Maybe if you went beyond, if you listened to my cries for help, we wouldn’t look like complete strangers having awkward conversations now.”

“What’s bugging you?” Jeno asked while he stared at her, she was swinging in the oval chair in his living room, looking outside, nervously chewing her nails, ruining the pink polish.

“Nothing, just work,” she said, partially it was true. They had all graduated but she still felt lost, she had found a job in a museum and she liked it a lot, but she still didn’t know if she wanted to be a teacher or an academic researcher, both jobs required a lot and she felt inadequate.

“Why don’t you come here and relax?” Jeno asked, patting the empty spot next to him on the couch. He felt there was something else going on. He had seen how she and Haechan seemed closer once again and he couldn’t help but feel paranoid.

No, they weren’t dating. Not even if they spent so much time together, and their hands were always intertwined when they walked, not even if he often dropped her to work before going to his. Not even if her head rested against his shoulder when they watched tv. Not even if they stayed up all night to talk with each other.

He knew he still didn’t have a place in her heart, he wondered if he ever would’ve had a place there. But he tried his best to make her happy. Being her friend still was something and he liked what they had, no matter how messy the whole situation was.

“We could watch a movie, maybe it will keep your mind off it,” he proposed, smiling at her when she sat next to him, as always cuddling to his body.

“Or we could talk,” she said, not even knowing why she was choosing such a risky path. Talking wasn’t her forte, especially if it was about love.

“Sure, if it would make you feel better. So, what’s wrong?”

She sighed, gulping before words came out of her mouth, “do you ever feel like… no matter what you do it will always be wrong? I’m not talking about fearing what people think, but what it will be of yourself, and your life. As if every choice could lead to a terrible mistake.”

Jeno hummed, “Sometimes.” I felt like this when I spent nights up trying to decide if I should’ve talked to you or not. He didn’t say it, he tried to come up with another example, or something that wouldn’t have made her regret deciding to open up to him. “But I also think that when it feels like this we should follow our heart. Yes, it might end up tragically but at least there’s the chance we had fun along the way.”

“Oh,” she whispered. “I never thought about it that way, but I guess it makes sense.”

“It’s not about work, is it?”

She bit her lip, shaking her head. “I mean, yes, it’s… it’s,” she sighed, rubbing her temples. “I just feel that in the last year everything went downhill, I make choices thinking I’ll be happy and then it never feels as good as I hope it would feel. I want to be happy, but it seems like I can’t reach the happiness I want.”

He hummed, he wanted to ask if Haechan had something to do with it but he didn’t want to talk about him. He could see a part of her was still stuck there, in the past, and he reminded himself of that more than enough.

“It takes time,” Jeno replied instead. “So many things in your life changed, you need to give yourself time to adjust to what came after.”

“Yeah but it’s so different from what I imagined,” she replied, voice getting thinner as she pushed her tears back. “When I still went to Uni I knew the real world was going to be harsh but I always imagined I was going to have somebody by my side. And now, I’m alone. My house is emptier than it ever been, and…” my heart is emptier than it ever been “...and sometimes it gets so hard to wake up all alone and come home to four empty walls.”

He pushed down the bitterness in his throat, where was he in all of this? “What about your friends?”

“I love them, deeply. I love every single one of you so much, don’t get me wrong, but… this is not the life I imagined.”

“Did you have plans… with him?”

She snorted bitterly, shaking her head. “So many.”

“Do them by yourself.”

“What?”

“Do what you wanted to do with him but by yourself, or with friends. Maybe it will make you feel like some of the life you expected can still be there. Start from what you can fix, not what you can’t.” Jeno reached out, caressing her hand. “Start brand new by threading what ripped in the past.”

She chuckled, “have you always been so wise?”

Jeno playfully pushed her away, and shook his head. “It’s that I get you, I feel the same.”

She sighed, nervously pulling the hangnails on her fingers, feet tapping the floor as her brain drifted away, trying to think quickly if she could do it, take the past and leave it where it belonged and open her arms to the future that seemed to be brighter. It was possible, she started to do it, but then Haechan came crashing down like a wrecking ball again and all the walls she started to build up again, fell apart.

“I should do what you said,” she replied, words slipping out of her mouth even if her heart wasn’t so convinced about it. “I can do many things we had planned even if I don’t have him by my side and then I just need to trust myself walking on my own.”

Jeno smiled, daring hand moving up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, thumb caressing her cheek, making her skin burn up. “You’re like a baby giraffe.”

She laughed, “A baby giraffe?”

“Yeah, you’ve never seen a video of them when they’re born? They walk so weirdly.”

“Oh, that,” she replied, still giggling, “I’ll take that as a compliment, then.”

He nodded, another bright smile curling his lips as he stared at her a little longer, “It is for me. I love giraffes.”

Her smile dropped for a second at his words but she tried to mask it with a slightly fake one. It still didn’t remove the heavy weight she felt in her chest. She didn’t know if she could call what she felt for him love. Maybe it was infatuation, maybe she enjoyed his company. But love? It was still such a big word, and she felt so guilty. It had been six months now, and she was still making Jeno walk on a tightrope with her doubts and fears. She felt like shit, he deserved somebody that made up their mind, somebody that knew exactly what they wanted and she still didn’t know anything.

“Should we do something, now?” Jeno proposed, bringing her out of her thoughts, sensing the shift in the air.

“Yeah, I think it’s better.”

The evening passed with no other awkward interactions, but it felt like something was slightly different. The touches between them that usually were normal, now felt like they brought a new electricity with them, as if something was pulling them closer, a connection that felt scary.

And when Jeno asked her to stay, because it was late, and it was better if they ate something together and then he would’ve dropped her home, timidly touching her hand, she couldn’t say no.

So they were there, on his couch, tangled up to each other, a bottle of soju at their feet as the sky got darker outside of the open window.

“We should dance,” she proposed, surprising him as she stood up and searched for her phone to turn on the music. “Are you rejecting a proposal to dance?” She asked, dragging him up from the seat.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said, chuckling to hide the awkwardness.

“Why not? We make a quite great couple when we dance,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Sure, I’m not as good as you but you make it up for me.”

So Jeno didn’t complain more, his hands wrapped around her waist and they started dancing, bodies swinging to the rhythm, and hands daring to be braver on each other.

When their lips brushed, they were both surprised, but they didn’t pull away, they stayed there, eye to eye, silently waiting for one of them to make the first step.

And Jeno was the one doing it. He leaned in again, fearing a slap that never came. Her body relaxed in his hold and before they knew, the kiss heated up.

“Need you,” she whispered against his lips, fingers tangling in his hair, tugging lightly.

“You are drunk,” Jeno said, pulling away, and shaking his head. Probably telling those words more to himself.

“I’m not, I can take a bottle of soju,” she replied, trying to reach for him but he walked away, giving her his back.

“You don’t want me.”

“What makes you think that?” She asked, now standing behind him, waiting for him to turn around.

Jeno didn’t answer immediately, he only stared at her. He wanted her badly, so badly that he couldn’t describe it with words.

“Are you going to regret this?”

She shook her head. She never did anything like that before, but people always had random sex with people or friends, so what was so hard about it? Everything would’ve gone back to normal after, right?

“I won’t.”

Jeno was hesitant in his movements, every brush of his fingers made her shiver, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been touched, and even worst, she couldn’t remember the last time she had been touched like that. As if she was a precious diamond that would’ve broken. The last times with Haechan had been blurred memories, random quickies that felt like rushes to get off of a pleasure they were killing with each other just for morals. But this… this felt… different.

“Look at me,” she whispered, lifting his chin up. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

Jeno bit his lips, humming before hardly swallowing the saliva. “I just… I don’t want to rush it. I don’t want to make you feel like I only care about sex. I…” he sighed. I like you a lot, maybe I even love you, if I feel masochistic enough. “I care about you and I think you deserve respect.”

When her lips curled in a tender smile he cursed himself mentally, what a fucking loser. She surely wanted something different, something that felt like sex and not love, and here he was, being pathetic.

“I know, I just wanted to check in we were both into this.”

Jeno nodded, breath still shaking but he tried to hide it by kissing her again. “Should we take this to the bedroom?”

The walk between the living room and his bedroom was a blackout with Jeno’s strong arms carrying her up to his bed while he never let go of the heated kiss.

And everything that came after that felt like striking a new match.

To her it felt all so different, the only man she ever had in her life being Haechan. But Jeno dreamed of this for so long, maybe not this, he at least tried to don’t think of her in those situations but he still wanted her nonetheless. And she wasn’t a dream anymore, or his best friend’s girlfriend he liked so much. She was his, at least partially, but partially was better than zero.

“Jeno,” she moaned, fingers tangling in his hair when he moved between her legs and started eating her out. His hands were spread wide against the back of her thighs, pushing her legs apart to have better access to her most sensitive spot.

“Feels good?” He mumbled against her, vibrations running in her lower abdomen, already making her stomach twitch in anticipation.

“So good,” she cried out, throwing her head back, trapping her lips because somehow it felt embarrassing to be this loud with him. What if she let out strange sounds? What if she did something wrong? Maybe fucking with somebody you’re not that intimate with wasn’t that easy for everybody. But Jeno was still good enough to fog her doubts with pleasure. More than good enough to be honest, he knew what he was doing, skilled mouth taking care of her most sensitive parts, sucking and licking with precision.

And she couldn’t help but loosen up a little, letting out soft whimpers and moving her hips against him to reach the high.

It didn’t take long to reach it when Jeno was so good at it, and the way his light touches on her thighs and waist added to it, pleasure running under her skin with his every move.

Jeno moved up, meeting her lips in a rougher kiss, his hands searching for hers.

“Fuck,” she groaned when he pushed two fingers inside her, pumping slowly, barely giving her time to recover from the first orgasm. She wanted to talk but the words were dying in her throat, and she could only pant underneath his strong body and whimper muffled moans.

“Wa-want you,” she moaned. “Please, Jeno. Need more,” she slurred when his fingers curled exactly where she needed them, pumping her wetness in and out with lewd sounds.

“Are you sure you can take me?”

She nodded swiftly, looking into his eyes, moving her head to kiss him again and again while whispering ‘please,’ through every kiss.

Jeno pulled away and shuffled through his bedside table to look for a condom, ripping the wrap as soon as he grabbed it and rolling it on him swiftly.

And in all that she studied every move, his muscles flexing, his skilled fingers rolling it down his lenght, and his eyes looking at her with intensity.

He didn’t add any words when he grabbed her waist and pulled her closer to him before sinking into her wet walls.

“Fuck,” he moaned, eyebrow knitting while her warmth wrapped around him.

Her head rolled back, and her nails sunk into the bedsheets, feet planting on the mattress while her hips bucked up in reaction to being filled perfectly.

“Are you okay?"

She nodded, chuckling, “I’m fine, it’s not my first time," she giggled, caressing his face. “I won’t break."

His hips started moving back and forth, speed increasing until he found the perfect rhythm, eyes fixated on her, from her face to her boobs heaving fast.

“Don’t hold back,” he ordered with a deep tone, thumb crazing her lips to free them from the hold on her teeth. “I want to hear you. Is it good?”

She nodded, humming.

“Then don’t hide it, let me know — fuck — let me know I’m making you feel good.”

Her lips parted, finally letting go of the real moans and whimpers she was holding back.

“Wanted you for so long,” he moaned, kissing her roughly, “you sound so pretty when you moan like this, fuck, keep — keep doing it.”

A scream of his name came out of her mouth when he grabbed her ankles and rested them on his shoulders. “Shh, babe, you can take it.”

She hummed, eyes closing again, the new position giving him the chance to move better and reach her sensitive spot better, bringing her close to the edge once again.

“Feels good,” she cried, wrapping her hands around his neck before her nails ran down his back, leaving red marks. “I’m close...”

“Fuck, I can feel you,” he moaned, leaning in to kiss her, “Come with me,” he hummed, hips moving faster while one of his hands reached down to stimulate her clit, giving her the last push she needed to come, triggering his orgasm too, their moans dying in each other’s mouth while they kept kissing messily.

They stayed like that for a while before Jeno pulled out of her and rolled to the side, throwing the used condom in the bin next to the bed before turning around to kiss her again.

“Can’t believe this happened,” he whispered, staring at her in awe, the afterglow of the orgasm still on her beautiful face.

She smiled, turning to the side to move closer to him. “Neither can I,” she replied, caressing his arm, enjoying the way his fingers were doing the same on her back. It was a different sensation, but she liked it, she would’ve tried to stay up and talk with him more, but sleep took over her soon, doing the same short after with him.

And it was better like this, their heartbeats were better than words that would’ve led them down a dangerous path.

When the morning came, she was alone in the bed, the sheets at his side crumpled up but cold. Lifting her body up she looked around the room, rubbing her temples and thinking about the night that had been and all the consequences coming with it.

Sighing loudly, she stood up and walked out of the bed, looking for her clothes, but not finding them anywhere.

“I hope he won’t mind,” she murmured, grabbing one of his shirts from the closet before making her way outside.

And there he was, cooking in the kitchen while the radio played in the background, only wearing grey pants while his back was exposed, signs of her nails visible on his skin.

The urge to drag her feet to him and hug him was big, but she felt that wasn’t something she was supposed to do. It would’ve been another domino card pushed down, causing a bigger mess. All of this felt like it was already getting out of hand, so why was she attracted to him?

“Rice?”

“God, you scared me,” Jeno jumped, turning around with a hand on his chest.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to say,” she chuckled, pulling out a chair and sitting down.

“No, it’s fine, I imagined I had to come wake you up with breakfast in bed,” he smiled.

“Breakfast in bed?” She asked, biting the inside of her cheeks.

“Was it too romantic?” She could feel the panic in her voice and smiled at him. “I would’ve loved it. Might as well go back in bed just to have it.”

Jeno let out a sigh of relief before turning around to don’t make the food burn.

“Yesterday was… great,” he whispered, eyes low on the food. They were halfway through breakfast, and there wasn’t an awkward silence, but it was clear that so many unanswered questions were flying in the room.

She hummed, swallowing a bite, nervously playing with her nails. “Do I have to be the one making the hard question?”

He shrugged, briefly looking up at her.

“What does it make us?” She whispered, throat closing up and when Jeno didn’t answer it only got worst.

“What do you want us to be?”

She almost choked when those words slipped from his mouth. And as time passed she could only stare into his eyes.

She didn’t know what to answer.

The answer never really came, after slurred words and half-truths drunken up with white lies, the conclusion was that ‘they were trying,’ whatever it meant. Too many doubts haunted both of them, feeling that one bigger step was going to make them slip down a treacherous rope.

So they were there, in that hazed state coloured of sepia like an old photograph, somehow making it work. All the blurred lines, drawn and erased and re-drawn again just to be ripped and glued together.

All the shy kisses turned into heated sex.

All the laughs on the floor with the glasses of wine at their sides.

All the touches getting braver every day, under plan daylight, in front of strangers’ eyes.

All the talks about the future, a future that was blurry like the lights from the window pane when it rains.

But it was comfortable and warm, just like their relationship had always been. It was listening to each other after a long day, hanging out at lunch when they had the same break and even wake-up next to each other in the morning when they were too tired to slip out of each other’s bed.

Falling into him didn’t seem as scary as it used to do. If she looked down there was a safety blanket, ready to catch her if the impact had been too hard, but she still held tight on that window from the tenth floor, terrified of the height that parted her from the ground.

It was too soon.

It was too good.

“I think we need to stop drinking if we don't want to end up here every time,” Jeno joked, looking at the ceiling while he tried to regain his breath.

“You’re funny, it's your fault,” she replied, turning around, head kept up by her bent arm against the floor. Jeno’s features were relaxed, and she wanted to caress his face so badly, but it felt like there was something holding her back every time. She didn’t even know what it was. Was she afraid of the freefall? Was there even a risk of falling and crushing on the ground with him? Jeno was comfort, everything about him felt safe, from the way he looked to the way he acted. Was it the fear of falling in love again? Was it the fear of hurting him with the wrong choice?

“I’m not even that funny,” he chuckled, shyly moving his eyes to look at her. “Stop staring at my lips.”

“I wasn’t staring, I was reading them. You’re funny to me.”

He snorted, shaking his head a lifting his torso from the cold floor, looking back at her, forearms resting on his knees.

“Why are you smiling like that?” She asked, sitting next to him, caressing his hair back.

Jeno sighed, diverting his gaze, making her fingers brush against his skin.

“It reminded me when we first got close, you would always lay on the floor after dancing.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “Please, I want to forget about it. I was terrible.”

“You were passionate, though.”

“Passion doesn’t lead you anywhere," she replied. “Anyway, you promised you were going to bake a cake for me.”

“Not now,” he said.

“Oh, come on, we can’t spend the entire afternoon on the floor, drinking wine and laughing.”

Jeno shrugged. “I like it actually,” and then fell backwards again, dragging her with him, making her yelp.

“It’s not fair,” she screamed when he started kissing her cheeks. "I wanted my cake.”

“Fine,” he gave up, rolling to her side again and getting up, reaching his hand to help her do the same. “But you help me bake it and then we’ll watch something together?”

“Deal.”

It was too soon.

It was too good.

“What are you doing here?” She asked when she opened the door and found Haechan standing there.

“Taking you out,” he replied as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

She raised a brow, tilting her head. “Taking me out? Excuse me, did I miss the bit where I forgive you?”

Haechan sighed, shaking his head. “Be ready in ten, I’m waiting by the car.”

“You’re not taki—”

“Yes, I am. Dress however you want,” he said, turning around. “Anyway, anything looks good on you.”

“I heard you,” she screamed, trying to hide the smile on her face and the way the smile she could feel was on his lips made her heart flip.

“Good, wanted you to hear it.”

Sighing loudly she closed the door again and walked to her room. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do. Renjun was busy with some friends, and Jeno still didn’t answer her, so spending some time with Haechan couldn’t be so terrible, right? She had spent years with him, a few hours weren’t going to hurt.

Not to say that he was trying.

She never imagined he was going to put so much effort into trying to get back to her, but he was surprising her. So she picked his favorite dress with too much hype, not even thinking it through until she entered the car and he pointed it out.

“It’s a coincidence,” she mumbled, looking out of the window as he started driving.

“Sure,” Haechan smirked. “Things with you are never a coincidence. You like to have everything under control.”

She scoffed. “Acting like you know me?” She turned around, staring at him, watching how his face was more relaxed compared to the last times they saw each other. What if things were changing? But what was changing?

“I do know you. Better than anybody else does, and will,” he replied and she only turned over again because she didn’t feel like she had many theories to prove him wrong. Nobody got so deep under her skin. For now, she liked to think, but she wasn’t confident about it.

“Not curious to know where I’m taking you?” He asked, breaking the silence that filled that confined space, strangely it wasn’t uncomfortable, but he couldn’t help but fear that she still hated him, and talking to her eased that tension.

She shook her head but turned to stare at him. “You should know I like surprises.”

Haechan smiled. “Yeah, but this is not really one.”

“You didn’t tell me anything, and I trust you. I want to keep this a surprise, want to see if you will let me down.”

When they arrived at the spot she was surprised but confused, it was a park, and there was a small wooden house with a porch with small lights hanging outside after walking along a path.

“Can we even be here?” She asked, hesitating to cross the door when Haechan entered. “Are you making me do something illegal?”

“I know the park keeper, he gifted me this for the night,” he reassured, giving her his back.

“You didn’t take me here thinking I would fuck you just because there are some candles that I love and my favorite flowers and my favorite food, right?” She asked, smile immediately dropping when she started to feel mixed emotions. This was exactly what she loved the most, the types of cozy dates that didn’t require lots of money or crazy things.

“You think I would screw up all those months trying to make it up to you for sex?” He asked, hurt by her words. He knew that it was hard, but did she really think that low of him?

She sighed, nodding, and then whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You told me you always wanted to do something like this,” he started explaining, “well, you wanted to rent a small chalet in the mountains, but this is all I can give you for now. Thought it was the closest thing we have in town.”

“So, you listened to me sometimes?” Her tone wasn’t mad, light enough that her words were followed by a tender chuckle.

“I did, I just never showed you I listened,” he replied, serving the food on her plate. “Next time I’ll cook it myself, but asking the keeper to order it and place it for us was the only option I had now.”

“It’s fine,” she reassured, smiling at him. “Is this his?”

“He’s not the owner, but they are not here, so it’s like it is his,” Haechan explained, sitting in front of her. “You usually have to pay for this, but at night the park it’s closed.”

“He must really trust you. How do you know him?”

Haechan gulped. He couldn’t tell her that was the place he ran to when he needed time alone, silently crying while he felt like shit because he missed her, right?

“I come here a lot.” Yeah, that was a better option. “And I once stayed after the closing hour without realizing, he found me, and we talked about…” You. We talked all night about you. “…a lot of things.”

She hummed, taking a bite and waiting to swallow before she spoke again. “He must be nice if you opened up that easily,” she said with a small melancholic smile on her face. “Well, or maybe you changed and open up with people more.”

“I needed help, let’s say, I was at my lowest.”

Her eyes met his. “Was it… six years ago?”

He shook his head, “No, my second time hitting my lowest.”

She placed the chopsticks on the table and reached for his hand, “Why didn’t you come to me?”

Haechan sighed, looking at her hands on his, the same old delicate touch he knew, the touch that saved him many years ago, full of worries he now felt he didn’t deserve. He pulled away. “I was… I was at my lowest because of you.”

She didn’t answer, gulping and grabbing the chopsticks again, trying to concentrate on the food instead.

“I’m not blaming you, by the way,” he specified when he couldn’t read her face. “I put myself in this situation.”

“Yeah, I — I got what you meant, it’s fine. Should we enjoy this before it gets cold?”

“Yeah, I think it’s better like this.”

Dinner went unexpectedly smoothly. Probably they became masters at avoiding trick conversations, but anyway it was a pleasant time together.

Haechan couldn’t believe she still didn’t throw something at him or stormed outside with a sudden rage against him.

And she couldn’t believe Haechan looked like a completely different person. Or, better, he looked like the same Haechan she had fallen in love with. Attentive and caring, genuinely interested in the things she was saying, and with a different glow in his eyes, a glow that five years ago he only reserved for her.

They talked and talked and laughed and it felt like in the air there was the same magic that surrounded them on their first dates. The cheap ones at the fast food that made them go home smelling like oil, or the ones sitting under a tree as they enjoyed the light spring breeze caress their faces, or even the ones at the arcade when Haechan still cared to teach her how to play games and wouldn’t get mad at her if she got her character killed.

But this magic was dangerous, it smelled like something they couldn’t have. It smelled like the past. And as much as they both clearly wanted this to be the future, the road ahead didn’t seem as clear as this.

“Remember when we used to go to the old library downtown?” Haechan asked, a small smile curling his lips while his fingers played with the corner of the napkin.

“Yeah, I could drag you there only cause there was a game shop beside.”

He chuckled, “don’t pretend those weren’t your favorite dates. We would both take time to understand each other’s passions even if we hated them.”

She smiled at the memory, "and then we would sneak into your bedroom. You trying to teach me how to play and me failing. So I would just watch, or read my books in silence.”

“Or out loud. I loved it when you read out loud, there’s something about your voice… Before we started dating and you came over I… I sometimes recorded you, it was the only sound that made me sleep at night.”

Her lips twitched in a melancholic grin, holding back tears, “Your screams during games wouldn’t have made me sleep so I'm sorry if I didn’t record them.”

Haechan laughed, shaking his head. Remembering that actually she often fell asleep while he was playing, and not noticing immediately he didn't lower his voice, and they still didn’t wake her up.

“But I loved watching you. It was the only time you were yourself, without trying to impress others that never even cared about you. You know, I think that even if you became more confident with time you never stopped caring about what people had to say. I… I don’t want to justify you but I tried, God if I tried when I didn’t want to accept the truth, and I still blame you but… I guess for you it made sense to be with someone like her and not me. We were fine until you started becoming more known and started meeting more people like them. Dancers dating dancers, people with big goals in life, unlike me. You started changing not only with me, but even with yourself. I hope you stopped now, I hope… I hope you don’t let other people’s opinion of you define you.”

Haechan didn’t reply immediately. How could she still read him so easily? How could she know him so deeply? He couldn’t blame others for his terrible choices but it was true that he let voices around him get to his head. The fear of being a loser once again was stronger than a lot of things he should’ve taken care of.

“I don't…”

She smiled, hoping it was true, regardless of them, and what they were going to be, she still hoped he had stopped letting the demons from the past torture him.

“It’s raining,” she pointed out when she heard a loud sound outside and, after turning her back to the window, she saw the drops hit the glass.

“Let’s go,” Haechan said, timidly grabbing her hand, surprised when she held his back and let their fingers intertwine.

“Wait, wouldn’t be better to wait till it calms?” She asked, stopping for a second.

Haechan smiled. “I don’t want to go home.”

“No? Then where are we going?”

“Do you trust me?” He asked, gathering all the courage in his body, terrified of the answer.

But the words slipped out of her mind before she could rationalize them. “Yes.”

He couldn’t describe the happiness he felt in his chest at her words and the enthusiasm with which he pulled her out of the small wooden house.

“We’re gonna get soaked,” she said when the heavy rain hit their bodies.

“Wasn’t this on your bucket list?” He asked, grabbing both of her hands and staring into her eyes as the water wet them more. “Didn’t you always want to dance under the rain?”

Her lips parted in surprise, enthusiasm, and thrill, he couldn’t exactly point out the emotions on her face, but when the biggest smile crossed her face, he felt happier than ever. It was like having her back, he could feel the happiness and serenity radiate from her body and that was the only sign he needed. No matter how this was going to end, she didn’t hate him anymore. She felt safe and happy.

“There’s no music, though,” she chuckled, wrapping her arms around his neck, shivering when Haechan’s hands wrapped around her waist. None of them could remember the last time they had been so close and intimate, it had surely been more than a year considering how their story had crumbled apart long before the end.

“I also have that planned,” he said, before pulling out his phone from his back pocket and starting to play her favorite song.

“You still remember…” she whispered, and Haechan couldn’t tell if her eyes were teary or if it was the rain.

“I will always remember all the small things about you.”

She didn’t answer, only hummed before they started dancing to the rhythm. And they danced, not caring about tiring, letting the rain soak them completely, laughing and pulling each other closer. It felt good. It brought them back to the nights up in the kitchen when Haechan used her as a — terrible — dance partner and then they ended up waltzing together.

Or to be fair, it brought them to another world where they have never been, because this didn’t feel real. They weren’t in the past anymore, she got better now, and even if she missed a step, he didn’t mind. And now the world outside didn’t seem so loud, no other opinions to tell them what to do and condition them to make mistakes.

It was them.

Under the pouring rain.

Wearing their biggest smiles as their fleshes moved together as if they were made just for that.

When their lips met in a kiss, the magic exploded around them, making them fly in the sky before reality crashed on them again, the unrealistic bubble of happiness imploding, the strength so harsh that pushed them to the ground.

“I didn’t —” Haechan tried to justify when she pulled apart, even if he had no idea who started the kiss.

“Don’t,” she stopped him, taking a step back. Cursing herself mentally, wiping the drops of water out of her face.

“But I —”

“I said, don’t,” she retorted again, finger lifted up to don’t make him take a step closer. “You can’t, you can’t just crash in and take everything of me again. You can’t be so sure that I will take you back every time. You’re messing with my head and you know what you’re doing.”

“I’m trying to get you back. Like you told me. I’m proving to you that I love you, that I care about you. I’m not tricking you,” he explained, not moving to don’t scare her away, but he couldn’t understand this reaction. Weren’t they fine just ten seconds before? Why was she so afraid? Why was he so hard to trust?

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Why did you kiss me back? I’m not even sure I was the one starting it. You know what’s the problem? That you still love me, no matter how much you tell yourself you don’t, no matter how much you fuck with Jeno, pretending that he makes you feel the same. You love me still and you hate it. You hate that you know you will never be happier with anybody else.”

“God, you’re so full of yourself and so… so, God,” she groaned, clenching her fists and turning around, starting to walk in the park, under the rain, wrapping her arms around her chest, not even to shield herself from the cold but to support herself, a self-hug to don’t fall apart again.

“You can’t leave without me,” he said, pulling her closer, chest to chest, as her eyes looked up at him. The rain still hitting them, coming down harder, almost as if the rain was mad too. “Don’t leave me.” The last words came out like a plead, or like a prayer, begging her to don’t ruin this perfect night together. He knew he was the problem, one thing good and three wrong, but he was trying to get better. He was doing it for her.

Haechan felt his heart tighten when her eyes filled with salty drops, he couldn’t read her anymore, or maybe he never learned to, so that was why it hurt so much right now. They both needed to correct years of mistakes, wrong words, and misunderstood acts.

He couldn’t tell what was going on in her heart. If she was mad because he kissed her, or if she was mad because they shouldn’t have been there, getting mad over a kiss that still could’ve been theirs if only he didn’t fuck it up.

“Can we keep dancing? Can we pretend?” He whispered, caressing her wet cheek, kissing her forehead, her eyelids falling shut at the tender touch. “At least for tonight, then I’ll promise, I’ll stop running after you if you already decided what to do. If you want him instead of me.”

The sound of the metal shelves rustling back and forth filled the small room while her hands wrapped tightly around the bar of it in the storage room.

“Jeno, fuck,” she moaned, ass arching back to meet him halfway. His strong, fast thrusts already making her stomach twist.

“I told you to keep quiet,” he whispered close to her ear, wrapping a hand around her mouth while the other was firm around her waist. “The others are practicing outside.”

She hummed, eyes falling shut, trying to keep quiet. The music of the choreo could still be heard playing in the background, and she hoped it was just them playing it for fun and that the training didn’t start again. Maybe sneaking into a back room during the break wasn’t the smartest thing they could do but she needed to shut her mind off, too many thoughts running through it, and lately, Jeno was the only getaway.

“You feel so good,” Jeno muttered against her neck, nibbling her shoulder, and crumbling her skirt higher up on her ass.

Her fist clenched harder around the bar when he started to thrust into her with more force, the sound of their skin slapping against each other filling the room.

“Jeno,” she screamed as soon as he pulled his hand away.

“I told you to keep quiet, fuck,” he cursed, shushing her again. “You really want them to find us out, don’t you?”

She shook her head, feeling her breath falter and her heart race faster as the orgasm approached.

“No? Are you sure this isn’t a sick game of revenge?”

“Jeno, what? Please keep — keep fucking me, you’re so good.”

She didn’t see the furrow on his face, the disappointed one, not the concentred one, eyes dropping off their usual light before he tried to snap back into the mood again, fixating his gaze on her ass. But it wasn’t enough to fool himself anymore.

“Je-jeno?” She asked, noticing his hips’ movement slowing down until they came to a stop. When he pulled out she whined, thinking for a moment he was playing some game, that he wanted to tease her, but when a dead silence filled the room she gulped and turned around, seeing he was dressed once again.

“Are — are you okay?”

“You’re avoiding me,” Jeno told her, shyly meeting her eyes.

“I’m not,” she chuckled nervously. “I’m right here.”

“You only call me when you want to fuck. You barely even text me if it’s not for that.”

“That’s not true, I — I’ve been busy lately. I thought we both were okay with this.”

He sighed, he thought that too when he hoped sex would lead to something more. “I know you don’t love me,” he said, making her stop midway while she fixed her skirt. “It was foolish of me to believe I could mean even half of what he means to you.”

“Jeno, no, you mean a lot to me.”

“Yeah, but not like that.”

“I — that’s not true.”

“It’s not?” He raised a brow, challenging her with a cold stare.

“Haechan wants me back, and I’m making him believe he has a chance because I want him to hurt. I want him to understand what it feels like to run after somebody like that, I want him to understand what it feels like to bleed for love.”

“Be careful of not making bleed somebody else in the meanwhile.”

“Jeno, I,” she said, trying to block him from opening the door.

“No, I just… you know how this is going to end,” he said, looking into her eyes, sure more than ever she wasn’t feeling what he felt for her.

“No, it won’t end like you think.”

He didn’t answer her, slipping out of her hold to walk back to the practice room, not even ready to face Haechan.

She let her back fall behind, slumping against the wall as she sighed and felt hot tears stream down her face. Why was it so difficult? And why was it so unfair?

She was stuck in a labyrinth in her mind and it seemed like there was no way out.

And she kept thinking about it all the way home. Maybe Jeno was right.

Because all those attentions from Haechan were making her walls fall down even if she didn’t want to. He never treated her like that, well, only at the start. No, for the first four years it was like heaven, so where did they go wrong?

Maybe talking and tearing their story apart would’ve been better than those games. Better than all the push and pull. Because like this, they weren’t going anywhere.

And of one thing she was sure, she didn’t want anybody else to come out of the battle with wounds and tears.

“You need to stop showing up at my door like this,” she said when she opened the door and Haechan was standing there. A white tee, his black jacket, black jeans, and his brown boots. She wondered how they were still intact considering how much he would wear them.

“I wish I could,” he replied, voice off, and cheeks red. Only when her eyes looked at him better, she realized he was drunk. “You’re so beautiful,” he added, eyes trailing down on her figure, she was wearing house clothes, just a lilac sweater, and black sweatpants, while her hair was kept up by a clip. But to him, she still looked mesmerizing.

“Why are you here, Hyuck?” Her voice had a worried edge in it and that made him smile.

“Did you call me Hyuck? So, you forgave me for the kiss of the other day?”

She sighed, gulping and drifting her eyes from him. Drunk Haechan was her weakness, especially in the last times, when he would let go of himself only if he had at least two bottles of soju running in his bloodstream and she could still take a glimpse of the same person she had fallen in love with. “It’s 1 a.m, you should be in your bed or somebody else bed.”

“I can be in yours.”

She laughed bitterly, “No, you will be in every bed but mine.”

“Did I push you away?”

“We already talked it through, it happened. We’re fine.”

“Then why aren’t you answering my texts? Or my calls? You didn’t even go out with us the other day. Did you fight with him, too? Found your answer?”

“Okay, calm down. I need… I need time alone, Haechan. This is…” This was a game to make you suffer, leading you to think you could have me back, but it backfired and here we are, here I am. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“You should answer me,” he said, taking a step closer. “You should talk. I thought we learned where not talking led us.”

She sighed, looking down when he was face to face with her. “How much did you drink?”

“Not enough to drown you out of my mind.”

She sighed, blinking away a tear that was menacing to fall. “Did you drive here?”

He shook his head, “Took the metro,” he said before he smirked. “Afraid for my life?”

“Yeah, because I know your ghost would haunt me more than you do now,” she replied, a bitter hint of a joke in her voice, before she stepped to the side. “Come in.”

Haechan didn’t let her repeat it twice. He looked around, studying how the house tasted of her. Her plants, her books on the shelves, the wall with framed vinyls, the lamps at every corner, the candles on the windowsill, the pillows on the couch, and the faint aroma of her cooking still in the air. He missed all of that so much.

“Are we alone?”

“Unfortunately,” she replied before disappearing into the kitchen.

“I love you,” he said, looking at her while his body blocked hers on the door of the kitchen.

“Don’t,” she said, shutting him up with a finger raised. “You need water and then… and some sleep.”

“I need you.”

“I won’t cure your migraine tomorrow or stop you from puking all over my floor.”

“But it’s what you’re doing.”

She glared at him, handing him a glass of water. “Drink,” she ordered. “I’ll make your bed on the couch.”

He grabbed it reluctantly, and then said, “we already shared one.”

“Shared.”

Haechan rolled his eyes but drank the glass anyway, coming out of the room to see her walk into the bedroom to get the sheets.

“Why can’t we sleep together?” He asked when she let the white fabric fall on the open couch.

“You know why,” she replied, looking at him.

“If you made up your mind you should just talk to us and put an end to this.”

She sighed, if only she didn’t hate this conversation so much she would’ve found it funny how disordered his replies sounded like. “I didn’t invite you here, Haechan.”

He chuckled, shaking his head. “Here we are again.”

“Here we are again, what?” She asked sternly, standing straight again to stare into his eyes.

“You called me Hyuck before.”

She laughed, “you think that has a meaning for me anymore? It just slips out of habit.”

“So, I mean nothing to you?”

“Why are you here?” She asked instead, closed fist on her hip and feet tapping the floor, her patience was wearing thin, she wasn’t used to this anymore.

“Because I was out at a club, and I could only think about you.”

“That’s not enough, that’s not enough to come back here and… and do whatever you want with my heart,” she replied, hands moving frenetically in the air to try to help herself find a sense in all of this.

“I can’t find you in people’s faces,” Haechan snapped. “I can’t let you go, it would be so much easier if I could just… forget, but I can’t. I can’t because nobody makes my heart race like you do. It’s not fair, it’s like you put a spell on me to — to curse me, to make me pay for all the pain I put you through. I can’t have you back and I can’t win you anymore and I don’t know how to live without you and it sucks, it sucks so badly you have no idea.”

She chuckled, bitterly. “I have no idea?”

“You moved on, found someone new. Someone who brings out the better in you.”

“Then why are you here? If you think I won’t take you back, if you think I found my happiness, why are you here?” Her voice raised, clipping in her throat when she met his eyes and had to stop hers from breaking into a pathetic cry.

“Because I don’t want you to be happier,” he confessed. “I hope you’re happy, but not like how you were with me. I’m selfish, I know, I can’t let you go. I know you found someone great, but I hope he’s not better than me. I want to see you happy, I just...I just don’t want you to be happier.”

“You tore us apart.”

“I know,” he whispered. “But can you tell me how to forget you? How can I make this pain go away? How can I go back home after work and don’t feel a twist in my chest every time I realize I don’t have you there? How can I stay in that place that we were supposed to call home and has nothing of you? How can I wake up every morning and don’t have you by my side?”

“You can.” She lied. You can’t. Well, you can, eventually, you have to. But you can’t ever make that tingly feeling go away when you think of all the ‘could’ve been.’

“You didn’t tell me how,” he said, moving closer, hands wrapping around her waist. “How can I drown you out? How can I move on when I see you every time I close my eyes?” he whispered, eyelids falling close as he leaned in, nose brushing against her cheek. “If my sweatshirts still smell like you? If it kills me that the only time I can hear your laugh is when Jeno makes you laugh.”

“You had to think about this before,” she replied, pushing him away, hands moving to brush off the crease on her clothes, to brush him off of her but he was like fingerprints buried deep into her bones, she couldn’t dust him off when he was carved in her. “You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying. I’ll prepare the bed and then tomorrow we’ll pretend this didn’t happen.”

Haechan chuckled. “Why do we have to pretend?” He stared as she started parting the bedding and when she didn’t answer, he only sighed loudly. A bitter smile curled his lips as he watched her fix the sheets, bringing back painful memories of when they used to fix the bedding together during their morning afters. When they would wake up in a tangle of sheets and sex of the night before, and in that mess burn up again until they finally decided that waking up and having breakfast was a wise move.

“It’s done,” she said, fixing the pillows and probably wiping away a tear. Haechan couldn’t see her face clearly in the dim lights of the house, and in the position was keeping her face, low on the floor. “There’s another glass of water with aspirin on the coffee table, take it if you don’t want to pay the consequences of your bullshits in the morning.”

He nodded, sitting on the freshly made bed and watching her disappear into the other room. Silence and loneliness dropped on him as he stared at an empty spot in front of him.

A gut feeling telling him that was their finish line, that she made up her mind and he wasn’t in her final plan.

And he tried to sleep, but somehow the pain was bigger than the others nights now that the only thing separating them was a wall. This could’ve been their reality, this could’ve been all different. He could still have his dreams and her, and instead, he played his cards like a fool and lost the only real thing he had ever known.

“What are you doing?” He asked when he opened his eyes and saw her sitting in front of him. He blinked repeatedly, but it wasn’t morning, and when his eyes landed on the clock in the room, he saw it was barely past 2 am.

“Thinking,” she replied, twirling the cup full of a hot liquid in her hand.

“Thinking?” Haechan raised from the bed, elbows supporting his upper body up, watching her relaxed face in the dim light. She was beautiful even if he could clearly see she was exhausted.

She nodded, looking down, inhaling the scent of the tea in her hands.

“About?”

“How everything could’ve been different if only one thing had been different. Remember all the plans we made? How we wanted to rent a house together after college? How we were worried it wouldn’t have worked if you started touring around the world,” she chuckled bitterly, their nights spent together planning a future that never came replaying in her mind like the scene of her favorite movie. “Fixed the problem in another way.”

“I didn’t do it for that,” he defended, sitting to look at her.

“I know, but it’s ironic, isn’t it?” She drank a bit and then placed it on the table, jumping out of that to sit next to him on the bed.

“I was also thinking about how much I hate you,” she said, caressing a strand of hair from his face. “We could’ve had it all. We could’ve made it work. And look at us, a mess crumpled up in a made-up bed in my living room while we talk about the ifs and buts.”

Haechan didn’t answer, he only stared at her. How enchantingly beautiful she looked even if she was finding a way to tell him they were over. Again. It was like a stab on the same wound, but every time it hit deeper and made him bleed some more. He knew he deserved it and even worst.

“You’re mesmerizing even if you look like a mess,” he let the words slip out, thinking she would’ve slapped him when he realized what he did, but she only smiled, and searched for his hand.

“You should’ve told me more often when we were together.”

“I know,” he replied, hand touching her cheek, thumb moving in circles, making her rub against it like a cat when it purrs.

“You should’ve bought me flowers when we were together.”

“I also know that.”

“You shouldn’t have made me feel stupid,” she sighed, throwing her head back. “But we can’t change the past, right?”

He nodded, pressing his lips together and breathing deeply. “We can change the future.”

“Or we can ruin it by making the wrong choice,” she said, leaning in, not even knowing why she was searching for his warmth.

“Does one mistake make a difference between thousands of others?” He asked, leaning closer, standing now eye to eye.

“I don’t know.” Her voice came out like a vibrato, while her eyes fell on his lips. Oh, those lips. How much she missed them. How much she craved them. But she wasn’t the only one missing that feeling. Feeling the urge to test if one mistake could lead to a catastrophe.

He kissed her, slow at first, shy, fearful, but then their hands tangled into each other’s hair, and ran on their backs, and pulled and squeezed, almost as if they were trying to rip parts of each other and keep them to themselves, forever this time.

And none of them wanted to stop.

It was just a mistake over many mistakes.

“Hyuck,” she moaned when his leg started rubbing between her legs, the motions on her throbbing clit sending sparks up in her bones.

“So, it’s Hyuck, again, uh?” He smirked.

She didn’t answer his teasing remark, head reclined back when his fingers moved past the elastic band of her pants.

“We shouldn’t,” she said but her body kept rocking against him.

“Kiss me,” he ordered, letting her words fall forgotten, the other hand cupping her ass and pulling her on top of his thigh better. “And keep grinding on me.”

And she did, not caring that humping him like this was pathetic, head falling in the crook of his neck, inhaling his perfume and letting it fill her senses.

“Did you miss this?” He asked when his fingers started moving on her clit in circles, making her throw her head back while louder moans rolled out of her mouth. A grin on his face as he stared at her bliss-filled face. “Not answering, uh?”

“Shut up,” she replied through gritted teeth, head falling on his shoulder to hide the embarrassment, moans getting louder as the pleasure grew bigger with every move.

Haechan chuckled, “I don’t need your words, I still know your body, babe.”

“Then listen to it and make me come.”

“So greedy, aren’t you?”

“Haechan,” she cursed when he stopped, slipping his hand out of her pants.

“Touch me,” he ordered, unbuckling his belt and lowering the pants on the floor while struggling to keep her body up. “If we can make each other bleed, we can make each other come.”

She hummed, hand wrapping around his hard cock, pumping it with the same rhythm he was using on her clit now that his hands were buried again between her thighs.

“Did you think of me when his hands were on you?” He asked, kissing her roughly, nibbling her lower lip when they pulled away. “Did he make you shiver just at the slightest touch? Does he know you like I do?”

She groaned, holding back a moan and a cry because the answer was negative. Jeno didn’t know her like he did. He didn’t touch her like Haechan did. It was good, but it wasn’t this. And she hated this.

“Hyuck,” she moaned when his fingers slipped inside.

“Hyuck, what?” He groaned, cupping her chin, forcing her to stare right into his eyes and don’t hide in the crook of his neck.

“I — l,” she mumbled nonsense.

He snickered when the words died in her mouth. “You feel guilty? Feel like shit because you’re here with me and not with him? Because you’re letting me fuck you after you pretended you wanted me to leave?”

“Don’t,” she groaned.

“Don’t tell the truth? Don’t tell that if you weren’t so fucking strong headed you would’ve crawled to me months ago begging for me?”

She groaned, throwing her head back, holding back the tears as the orgasm felt closer, slamming a hand on his chest.

“Where is he, now? Thinking about you? Maybe thinking about texting you — fuck — to tell you how much he misses you?”

“We’re not dating,” she replied, “and don’t bring him — don’t bring him up.”

“No?”

“No,” she replied. “I’m — I’m close.”

“Keep moving your hand on me, then, or I won’t make you come.”

“You can’t — fuck — you can’t make up your own rules.”

Haechan grinned, fingers stopping inside of her, making her whine. “You used to beg me to tell you what to do, what changed now?”

Her breath faltered as she tried to grind against him to selfishly ride the orgasm but Haechan pulled away.

“Think I don’t know your little tricks?” His eyebrows knitted. “Think I can’t read you with my eyes closed?”

“You never proved it to me,” she replied, sniffling, heart racing and burning in her chest, the pleasure of the sex mixing up with the same, unbearable pain only he could put her through.

“Don’t fucking lie,” he said, slipping his fingers inside again, lifting her up, and caging her body underneath his once he had turned her over, pressing her against the mattress. His fingers started moving faster, not caring that she wasn’t paying attention to his aching boner. “You’re underneath me, not him. And you know when he has you like this, he doesn’t make you feel half of what I make you feel.”

She stopped trying to retort because she knew it was the truth. Jeno was good, so fucking good, but three months couldn’t compare to five years. He couldn’t compare to the one that made her discover all her kinks, the one she tried so many things with, the one she felt safe to even laugh or crack jokes during sex.

“That’s it, that’s better,” he moaned, grinding against her thigh, trying to feel some pleasure too. “I don’t like it when you lie to me.”

“I’m gonna come,” she moaned, throwing her head back, nails digging into the sheets.

“Only if you tell me I’m better than him,” he ordered, moving his fingers faster, making them curl right where she needed while his thumb moved in circles on her clit.

“No,” she screamed.

“No?” He asked, tilting his head, pulling out to let out a light slap on her clit, making her hiss and moan. “Lie again,” he ordered and she shook her head, lifting her hips up to meet him but he clicked his tongue. “Lie again.”

“He’s… he’s better than you.”

Haechan’s fingers slipped into her again, picking the same rhythm as before, making her stomach twist and her muscles shake. “Repeat it.”

“He’s better than you.”

“Again,” he ordered, growling as he felt anger and sadness mix.

She cried out, thighs clenching around his wrist. “He’s better than you, fuck, Hyuck.”

“Come, if I can make you come. Maybe we should call him, ask him if he can make you feel better. Should we send him a picture of you now? Would he hate you or would he hate me?”

His words were barely registered in her brain when the orgasm washed over her, leaving her breathless, ears buzzing with static noises, and tears streaming down her face as guilt plunged over her.

“Fuck,” she cursed, pushing him away, rolling to the side before she got up on shaky legs and then turned around to talk.

“Don’t say it,” he stopped her. “I know, but I don’t want to hear it.”

She sighed, nodding, and staring at him. “When I wake up in the morning, I don’t want to find you here.”

That was the biggest mistake they could do.

And they just did it.

“When did you plan on telling it to me?” Renjun snapped, staring at her with wide eyes, almost dropping the piece of cake she had offered when he arrived at her place. When she called panicking he expected everything but this.

“Never,” she replied, a puff of air coming out of her mouth loudly as she let her body fall against the couch.

“After all the steps forward, you want to get back to him?”

“I don’t want to get back to him. I don’t know what to do…”

Renjun rolled his eyes, sitting next to her after placing the plate on the coffee table, he had lost his appetite anyway. “So that’s why he’s always around you and you let him. All the special things you got lately…”

She nodded, biting a hangnail on her thumb, making it bleed.

Renjun rubbed his temples. He sensed something was going on. All the flowers piled up in her living room. All the boxes of food sent to her workplace during the break. The tickets for a gallery they went together that she had by ‘pure luck’. The first print of her favorite book that was impossible to find. But he always imagined those things were coming from Jeno and they simply wanted to keep their relationship private.

“But why?”

“Because I’m dumb, and because I thought he was going to fail me again and maybe that would’ve made him suffer and at the same time helped me to forget about him at all.”

“But he didn’t let you down…” He finished for her, sighing loudly.

“He didn’t, and not only that but he’s surprising me, he… He proves to me that he listened to me and my passions, that maybe I’m not as dull as he made me think I was and he’s once again fucking with me. I don’t know if I can trust him, I don’t know if it’s for real.” She wasn’t going to add the detail of the other night, knowing well that if she did, Renjun was going to cut her head off, and he was right.

“And Jeno?”

“Why do you need to bring him up now?”

“You said you don’t know what you feel for them. He treats you right,” Renjun said. “He treated you right since the very first moment,” he pointed out, raising a brow. Now, it wasn’t like he was siding with one of the two but… okay, he was. He just didn’t feel like Haechan was trustworthy, while he knew Jeno was genuine and cared about her a lot.

She hummed, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her chin on them. “He’s nice.”

Renjun’s mouth widened, “Nice… that’s it?”

“He… he’s a lot of things, okay? He’s sensible. He always encourages me, praises me, and tells me everything I need to hear. He respects me, my spaces, and my needs. And I know that I sound so ungrateful because I couldn’t ask for anything better than him but… I feel fine, I just feel fine…”

He held back a loud, disappointed, sigh and shifted closer to her, caressing her hair. “And isn’t that good? You know that love doesn’t require pain, right? You don’t have to suffer to feel something.”

“I know, but I never felt pain with Haechan… not until things broke. I miss the rush, I miss what we had before. Jeno doesn’t bring the rollercoasters, the stomach twisting in excitement, the goosebumps on my skin… and I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing.”

“I think it’s a good thing,” he said, smiling at her, playfully pinching her cheek. “Why don’t you focus on the other side? What does Jeno bring you?”

“He makes me happy, and he makes me feel safe. I like him. And I like being with him but… I feel like there’s something missing.”

“What Jeno doesn’t have?”

She sighed, looking into her friend’s eyes, and then shook her head, lowering her gaze because she didn’t want to see the disappointment in them once she answered.

“He’s not Haechan.”

“I should’ve stayed at home,” she muttered under her breath struggling in the small bathroom of Renjun’s friend’s house, trying to clean her dress. She was there all alone because he had disappeared and Jeno didn’t even spare her a glance. After that ‘fight’ they had, he stopped talking to her at all, and she felt hurt once again. It didn’t hurt like a break-up but she couldn’t stand the silence between them. She missed him, a lot. But Jeno probably hated her. And she wasn’t even so sure about reaching out, afraid of hurting him more than she — apparently — already did. Maybe being aware of the pain we cause to others wasn’t as easy as she always thought, trying to survive every day we rarely see the bat swing we do around.

“I was looking for you.”

She definitely should’ve stayed at home.

“You’re drunk,” she blurted out, turning around, taking in Haechan’s flushed face. “Go home.”

Haechan shook his head, blocking her from going out, pushing her back inside the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” She stuttered when he closed the door behind him.

“Shh,” he shushed her, leaning in, trying to kiss her.

“You’re drunk,” she repeated, moving her head to the side, and slipping out of his hold, making him face the wall.

“I only had a glass,” he replied, lips curled in a smirk, and she had no idea if it was the confined space, or the music that could be faintly heard in the background, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of him. It had been weeks since they had been this close, but trying to push them both out of her life wasn’t leading anywhere.

And when Haechan moved close to her again, her breath faltered, eyes looking up at him, but this time she didn’t move. She let his hand wrap around her waist and the other rest behind her on the mirror.

“I looked at you all night,” he whispered, leaning closer, nose brushing against her neck. “You never danced like this with me.”

Her head was thrown back when his lips brushed on her skin. “You never looked at me,” she replied, squeezing her eyes because she didn’t want to think about that. About all the times she tried to get his attention just to be ignored because she wasn’t good enough.

“I missed out so much, baby.”

“Don’t call me baby,” she retorted sternly. “I’m not your baby.”

“I could make you mine again,” he said, staring at her. “I could make you feel so good.”

“I didn’t forgive you, Haechan,” she said, shaking her head and pushing him away, reaching for the door before he could stop her.

It was tempting, too tempting. Fall back in his arms, letting him touch her like only he could. But she wasn’t sure that was the wise thing to do, again. It only messed up with her more. Sex was never a good solution, and it was the very thing that led her to this even trickier situation.

And she didn’t even realize that tears had started flowing down her face when she sat outside on the small step out of the main door, the breeze freezing her.

Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why was it so hard with him? With them?

Why did Haechan break her heart whether he loved her or not?

“You’ll get cold.”

She didn’t lift her head, she didn’t need it to know that he ran after her and now his jacket was resting on her shoulders to keep her warm. She didn’t even need to turn around to know he was staring at her now that he was sitting at her side. But she had no idea what he was thinking about as he stared at her. She felt like she couldn’t read him anymore, or maybe she didn’t want to dare to read him anymore since the last time she tried, they ended like that.

“You know I hate you, right?” She whispered, voice faltering while her eyes focused on the pebbles on the floor.

“I know,” Haechan sighed, staring at the same spot, their legs brushing together, his jeans heating up the exposed skin of her thigh.

“But you know I can’t get enough of you. You know I can’t forget about our past. And not even about our future, even if it doesn’t exist.”

“It can exist if you want to,” he pointed out, tilting his head to look at her, but her eyes were still focused in front of them.

She chuckled bitterly, “Is it on me? Or is it on you?”

“You have to forgive me.”

She nodded. Of course, the responsibility was hanging like a knife, swinging back and forth, on her head. One wrong move and it would’ve hit her. No matter how it would’ve gone, she had a feeling the only one to come out of there battered and bruised was going to be her.

“I don’t know what to do Haechan,” she whispered, head falling against his shoulder as his arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her close. Her eyes closed as she inhaled his scent deeply. He smelt like himself, not like Bora, or some other girls. It was just him. Home. Or at least what once felt like home. “I want to strangle you, and then I want to kiss you. I want you dead, but I fear I won’t be able to live without you.”

“Weren’t we always like this?”

“No,” she replied. “When we first met, I wanted to strangle you because you wouldn’t trust me and let me in. Now I want to strangle you because I —,” she stopped, intercepting the words that were about to slip out of her mouth before she could trip into a confession she wasn’t sure about. “Hate you. I hate you.”

Haechan chuckled, or sniffled, she couldn’t get what sound came out of his mouth. “You know, I can’t blame you for feeling that.”

“I just… I wish to know why,” she sighed. “Weren’t we enough? Weren’t we the best thing that happened to each other? We had so many plans, so many dreams, and all of a sudden you decided they weren’t enough.”

“I was dumb, young, and superficial. I wasn’t insecure about you, I was insecure about me. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror and instead, I pushed you out of my life.”

She nodded, biting her lips harshly, pretty sure in a minute they were going to start bleeding, but the physical pain would’ve felt less painful than the mixed emotions she was feeling right now.

“I don’t know if I can get over it,” she confessed. No, she didn’t make up her mind, but at this point, she felt she was never going to make her mind up, stuck between the past, the future, and the future she had dreamt of for so long.

“What are you doing here?” Renjun said, only seeing her at first before his eyes landed on Haechan and he groaned. “Haechan.”

“It’s fine,” she said, standing up, and adjusting her dress. “We were talking.”

“You should come inside, it’s cold here,” he said, looking at both of them, seeing that she was wearing his jacket. “Jeno’s looking for you. He needs to talk to you.”

“I’ll come,” she said, following him on the steps.

“Don’t go,” Haechan stopped her, grabbing her wrist.

“Hyuck, please, let me go,” she whispered, pressing her lips together. “If you love me let me go.”

And he did, fingers slipping away from her wrist, watching as she disappeared inside, brown wooden door slamming in his face.

He tried to let her go, to don’t fixate his eyes on her as she talked with Jeno and then danced with him. Why were they dancing? He overheard they were taking their distances, that he was hurt because she didn’t love him, and now? What could happen in ten minutes to get them like that?

If she wanted to make him jealous he was sure he wasn’t going to use Jeno, so was that a bad sign?

‘come home with me’

‘please’

‘just to talk’

Haechan wanted to talk to her, there weren’t many steps to take to reach her, but they felt like miles now that he had a gulp in his throat, so texting her seemed like a better option, but she never answered. He couldn’t stand there and watch other pairs of hands run on her body, pulling her closer, feeling her in a way only he used to do. And now he understood even more how terrible it must have felt for her, how much seeing the person you love, give intimate attention to somebody else.

He couldn’t.

He couldn’t move his feet on the ground, friction keeping him in place.

He couldn’t take away her happiness now that he had lost her.

He should’ve started to deal with this, with the pain, with the boulder on his stomach, with the realization that he had lost her and it was all his fault.

Haechan should’ve started to get used to this sight, Jeno holding her, hugging her, touching her, loving her, not more than he did, but surely better, because apparently, what he did wasn’t enough.

And he would’ve. From tomorrow. Not tonight, not now after giving her one last look and walking out of the house, feet dragging on the concrete of Seoul’s sidewalks.

From tomorrow.

Yeah, it was a good start. Like all the projects of life. Tomorrow. It’s easier than today. It’s easier to set a goal far in time and manipulate your brain to think that you’ll have the strength to do it if some more hours pass by.

It couldn’t have been so bad, right? If she moved on, if all of this courting didn’t move her at all after five years together, he, the one that led them there, should’ve forgotten about her in the blink of an eye.

But as tears started streaking down his face, Haechan feared that maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy. That maybe starting tomorrow wouldn’t have been enough. Not enough time to take his feelings and throw them away. Not enough time to stop being selfish and keep alive the flame in his heart that wanted him to be the one she was going home to, the one taking her dress off her, the one she would lay her head on after.

It wasn’t his place anymore.

And the only person he had to blame was himself. He took her for granted, and now he was paying the price.

Because no amount of flowers, chocolate cakes, books, or nights out, was going to take back all the pain he put her through.

And as if to hurt himself more he went to the place that reminded him of her the most; the park where he used to hide when he wanted to see nobody, nobody but her. Their bench was still there, with blue paint coming off and other signs of time, but it was still up, unlike their story. They had shared their first kiss there, if he closed his eyes he could still remember it. It was a warm day in April, and as usual, he was sitting there in silence, and she approached him without saying a word. His past self hated speaking, especially after certain terrible days, and she knew it, but at the start, they didn’t need words. Or maybe it was her, she had so much to give that she didn’t need words to let it be known, and somehow he managed to don’t understand. Somewhere along the lines, he got lost in translation and blamed her for not being the one able to communicate anymore.

Another flow of tears started streaming down his face as he realized he wasn’t going to feel her lips ever again. He hoped Jeno was going to cherish every single one of her kisses. The gentle pecks on the cheek or forehead in the morning and before bed. The small, quick kisses on the palm of his hands when he told her they were cold. The long, passionate ones when they were making love. The cheeky one when she wanted something.

And when the hands of the clock moved too far, he got up, head low, hands in his pockets as the sky broke out in a louder cry than his. He had lost all his chances and had been taught a rough lesson about not taking the people he loved the most for granted or leaving them at the slightest rough turn.

And it was a small consolation that the night sky was crying with him, it was like a shoulder to lean on, as if the upper hands were telling him that maybe there was going to be a rainbow after this storm, that even if he screwed up this one, he was going to find another one, another one that simply wasn’t the one.

Someone that wasn’t her.

Tomorrow.

He repeated in his head as the water seeped into his clothes and stuck his hair to his forehead.

Tomorrow the sun would’ve shined again, his brain would’ve stopped repeating the scene of her dancing in another man’s arms, or her words as she let him know there was no more space in her life for him.

But tonight was going to be the loneliest as he walked alone without the best half of him. Only half a man carrying an empty shell in the dark, loud and frenetic streets of Seoul. People running back home barely paying him attention, reminding him once again how lonely you can be in this cruel world if you push the people of your life away.

It was only a fair punishment he deserved to have.

But he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t painful.

Not when he still breathed her, not when she was the best part of him.

And when he reached the steps of his house he didn’t feel the relief he imagined to feel.

Those four walls brought him so much emptiness already, he didn’t want to imagine the feeling now.

But he had no other choice.

So he took a step forward, sniffling and squeezing his eyes.

Haechan.

He chuckled bitterly. Voice replaying in his brain, sounding just like when she would scream his name when he used to run away from the school cafeteria to hide from the bullies.

Haechan.

He shook his head. Voice replaying in his brain, sounding broken just like when she would find him in the bathroom with his head in the toilet, vomiting everything he had just eaten.

Haechan.

He stopped. Voice sounding a bit too real for him to be playing tricks in his mind.

“Haechan.”

There she was, soaked in the acid rain, crying, looking at him while her lips quivered, and her body was shaking.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, incredulity filling his voice and eyes.

“I was at a party, dancing with another man,” she started saying, sniffling. “A man I’m sure loves me so, a man I care about so much, too,” she stopped, taking a deep breath. “And I could only think about you.”

“You said you can’t pass over what I did. You told me to let you go.”

She nodded, squeezing in her coat, this was just like when they ended this. “I know… but I would only hurt myself trying to hurt you. And I would even hurt people that don’t deserve this at all. What’s the point of pushing you away if I look for you in every face? What is freedom if I can’t have you? Why am I forcing myself to believe that I can heal if I don’t have you?”

“So, you’re hurt.”

“I am, and I hate you so much. I hate you because I can’t truly do it. Because somehow you got so deep inside of me that if I push you out, if I kill you, I’ll kill a part of me, too. I hate you because you’re so… so irrational, and you never think twice, and this makes you do so many dumb things and last time it played us.”

“You don’t have to take me back… as much as I want you, I can’t force you into this.”

She shook her head. “You’re not. I’m the reckless one that’s jumping into you again, because I would jump into you even if you were an ocean full of sharks, Hyuck. I’d jump into you if you were a volcano. And I know that right now, right where we are, it sounds so toxic and wrong and that Renjun will stop talking to me,” she dramatized with a light chuckle. “But I don’t feel alive when I’m with somebody else. They’re not you. They will never be you.”

When Haechan didn’t reply she got that she didn’t convince him, and smiled bitterly.

“We did a mess, didn’t we? I let you treat me like that because I loved you so bad. I would’ve done, and I did, anything just so I could call you mine. I was your willing accomplice. And you know the funny thing? I’d do it all again. I’ll take you back any moment because maybe, after all, we were both going down but didn’t see it with clear eyes. Because we… we are not so different from each other, we are two cowards, we run away thinking things will fix themselves and then act surprised when they fall apart. But if I can’t have you, I see no point in wanting somebody else. Because after all you are and will always be my favorite crime.”

“You’re better than me,” he replied, voice shaking, eyelashes clamping together with tears and rain.

She shook her head, taking a step forward.

“I hate you,” she said with a smile on her face. “I hate you so fucking much Lee Donghyuck. You made me fall in love with your dumb self again, I was so sure you would’ve failed...You should’ve let this fall apart, you should’ve given me a reason to hate you but God...I’ve fallen in love again.”

“I love you,” he said, smiling back, reaching her, caressing her wet cheek. And kissing her. This wasn’t like their other past kisses, this was to seal a promise. This was to wash away the pain with the rain. To look at a brighter future that had rainbows shining in their sky.

“But if you do it again, if you hurt me half of what you hurt me this time, I won’t be so gentle. I won’t take you back. I hate feeling like I’m going down, Haechan. I can’t take the same pain of the last year together. I can’t deal, and won’t deal with cold stares, and small replies. I won’t tolerate made-up excuses. I’m not like I used to be, I now know my worth. I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m beautiful, I’m a shining diamond and I want to be all of this with you by my side. But if you’ll leave me in the dust again I won’t waste a moment leaving you forever. You lost me once, you won’t get me thrice.”

“I won’t ever hurt you like that. I learned my lesson,” he replied. “And I’m sorry, I truly am. For all the times I didn’t remind you how much I loved you, or how beautiful I found you. I’m sorry for looking as if I wasn’t listening to you or paying attention to your passions. I’m sorry that I put you in the last place every time. And I’m sorry for betraying you. I’ve spent nights up realizing how wrong what I did with her was. I couldn’t see it, brain fogged by other things that shouldn’t have been my priorities but I promise it won’t happen again. Not with her, not with anybody else.”

She hummed, “you better because I’ll leave you in the rain if that happens.”

He chuckled and then lifted her up, her legs wrapped around his waist as she let him carry her inside, the warmth of the house surrounding their freezing bodies immediately. But the cold seeped in their bones again when their wet clothes met the ground on the way to the bedroom.

“I need you,” she whispered, leaving kisses all over his face, gasping when he let her body fall on the mattress.

“I’m here,” he replied, kissing her neck, and then her collarbones. “I won’t leave you this time. I will never leave you again.”

And he made sure to prove it to her with facts, time would’ve talked for his true intentions, but now he had her right there once again and he had to start proving it to her. So he did what he knew she liked best, just like he used to do when they first started dating and he still showed her how much he cherished her.

“Haechan,” his name came out like a whisper, followed by loud moans when his lips latched at her mound.

His tongue slipped inside her cunt before pulling out, lips wrapping around her clit sucking with intention. It was like Haechan had a mission, make up for the lost time. His nails dug into her thighs, spreading her wide enough so he could move better and take care of the whole area. It was messy, wet and even loud but none of the two could care.

The idea of hiding or pulling her legs closed didn’t even cross her mind, just like trying to muffle the sounds of pleasure, letting out moans and whimpers and chants of his name while her hands wrapped around his brown hair and pulled him closer.

She could feel Haechan grin against her, his chuckle vibrating against her before he pulled away, replacing his tongue with his fingers. “You needed this, didn’t you?” It wasn’t a mock, more like a teasing remark that put his heart at ease when she hummed and nodded. She needed him. She missed him. And he was so unsure of that, that he couldn’t believe it was real and not a product of his fantasy.

When he dived in again she knew she wasn’t going to last for long. Haechan knew exactly what to do, how to please her, how to get her weak in the knees.

“Fuck,” he mumbled, lips still pressed against her pussy as he sucked and licked harshly. “You’re always so wet, so so excited for me.” He would’ve liked to ask if it was the same with him, if Jeno ever got her this excited, but he honestly just wanted to forget him. And make sure he didn’t cross her mind.

When his fingers started moving faster into her and curl deeper, her hips started moving, meeting him halfway.

“Uh, uh,” he clicked his tongue, his left hand leaving her thigh to press flat against her stomach, “need you to stay right there, baby.”

“I’m gonna —” she didn’t finish, orgasm ripping out of her thanks to his swift and precise movements, tongue, lips and fingers working together in a deadly mix that left her trembling underneath him, moaning loudly.

“Haechan,” she called when he didn’t stop, lifting her head to look at him, biting her lips when their eyes met. The way he was looking at her cutting her breath short and making her heart jump. “I don’t think I can…”

“Take it?” He asked, pulling away, breath fanning on her soaked clit. “Babe, was it seriously so disappointing? Not used anymore to come over and over again until you’re nothing but a mess underneath me?”

She hummed, closing her eyes, pressing her feet against the mattress. “I… I am, it’s just…”

“It’s just?” He teased, curling his fingers, hitting the sweet spot inside her, making her scream.

“You’re too… too good at this,” she confessed.

Haechan smirked proudly, lips attacking her clit again, sucking with strength, pushing her over the edge for the second time.

“Stop, stop, stop,” she mumbled, thighs closing around him and hips bucking messily.

He scoffed. “I need to put you on the right track again.”

She looked at him with foggy eyes, skin burning up as she stared at the way he was pumping his cock slowly.

“You’re so beautiful,” Haechan whispered, running his hands on her body, caressing the curves before he leaned in to kiss her, moving his body between her legs. “Are you on the pill?”

She hummed in agreement, biting her lips, and spreading her legs more. Haechan’s hand placed next to her head, while the other held his cock as he rubbed the tip against her slit.

“Please, I need you,” she whined, hating the way he was teasing her. It had been too long since they had each other to play these games.

“How much do you need me?” He asked, kissing her lips before doing the same on her neck, biting it enough to make blood come up on the surface.

“So, so much,” she whispered through gritted teeth, breath shaking at the say he was still teasing her entrance and her clit. “Need you to make me forget about everything and everyone, please.”

With a low groan, he slipped inside, thick tip enough to light a fire inside of her and make her hands reach for his back, pulling him closer.

“Always ready for me,” he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and letting his head fall in the crook of her neck as he bottomed in. “Always so tight and wet, fuck.”

“For you,” she whispered, rolling her hips against him, signalling him to move. “Just for you.”

The world disappeared for real when he started moving with calculated and long thrusts, one hand supporting his body up and the other wrapped tightly around her hip.

“Fuck, missed you so much,” he mumbled through gritted teeth, pulling back from her shoulder to look at her face. “Missed your thighs,” he whispered, gripping her there, pulling her legs further apart, and pressing them against the mattress. “Missed your lips, so fucking much.”

She moaned in the heated kiss, hands wrapping in his hair and tugging, making him groan.

“Nobody comes close to you, no matter how much I tried to — fuck — convince myself,” he whispered, a string of spit still connecting their lips.

“Harder,” she whimpered, “I — I want you to mark me.”

Haechan groaned, and obeyed, starting to suck on her collarbones and bite on her skin while his hands squeezed tighter around her skin, on her thighs, on her hips, everywhere he could.

“Mine,” he groaned. “Always have been mine, never stopped being mine.”

She knew it was true, that no matter how much she tried to fool herself there was something that was always going to tie her to him.

“Never stopped loving you,” he whispered against the skin of her neck before his hands moved her body closer to his, angling it so he could hit better inside of her.

“Fuck,” she moaned, head rolling back and her hand hitting the mattress at her side. “I’m close, again.”

“Come, baby. I told you I’m not going to stop.”

And another orgasm washed over her, but Haechan gave her no time to recharge, fucking into her with the same rhythm that drove her crazy.

“I — I can’t believe this is real,” he whispered, sitting straight, eliciting a disappointed sound from her lips at the loss of contact. “I dreamed of you every night, it was like a — fuck — a nightmare. And it still wasn’t close to this, to you. You’re a dream and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you enough, I’m…”

She moved up with difficulty, pulling him close to her again, kissing his fears, and tears, away. “I’m here now. And I won’t leave if you won’t leave me behind.”

Haechan sniffled, shaking his head because this wasn’t the time to be vulnerable. “I won’t. I won’t hurt you anymore, I promise.”

“Good,” she whispered, falling against the bed again, smiling when he got closer to her and started kissing her, a long, sloppy kiss while he kept fucking into her.

“You feel too good, I’m gonna come,” he hissed, the pace of his hips slowing down because he didn’t want this to stop. He wanted more. He wanted to stay buried inside of her all night until they were nothing but a mess of limbs and bones that for some miracle still fit together.

And she knew exactly what was running in his brain. “Come, you can fuck me again. I don’t want you to stop.” It might’ve been a lot to take but she needed it. She needed it with him. To feel their skin rub against each other, and have the room filled with their lewd sounds of fleshes and wetness and moans.

Her words were enough to push him over the edge. White cum spilling inside of her while his hips came to a stop against her ass.

“Want to ride you,” she whimpered, placing her hands on his chest when he calmed down and making him roll to the side.

Haechan didn’t complain, why would he anyway? And let her adjust on him, grinding on his cock, not even giving it time to soften.

“I love you,” he murmured, looking up at her, sliding down on his cock slowly, the light from outside lighting up her features and her curves. “So much I can’t believe I was so stupid to let you go and not treat you right.”

“Yes, you were,” she said, nails scratching his chest as she started to move her hips slowly, feeling him rub against her inside just like she wanted, filling her like only he could. “But I’m,” she stopped, words dying in her mouth. “I’m here, and I don’t want to think about it.”

Haechan hummed, hands wrapping around her waist, guiding her movements.

She rolled her head back, mouth hanging open since she couldn't hold in any sounds, the stimulation of his cock and her clit rubbing against him was making her go crazy. And Haechan knew it, she was still an open book and he remembered how to read her again.

“Fuck, babe,” he moaned, cupping her ass and squeezing the flesh hard. She started bouncing on him faster, hands steady on his chest before one reached for his neck and wrapped around it tightly.

“Revenge?”

She chuckled, “I should kill you to get revenge but, fuck,” she stopped, thighs shaking and hips faltering as she could feel they were both so close again. “I love you too much.”

“That’s it, fuck, keep moving like that,” he hummed, eyes moving from her face to her boobs that were bouncing up and down.

Her moans got higher, fingers grazing his skin and hips slamming messily against him, Haechan started moving against her, meeting her halfway. And in a few seconds, they were both coming, this orgasm stronger the last one, leaving them panting on top of each other.

“I got you, I’m here,” he whispered, caressing her back and hair when he heard small sobs from her.

She hummed, hiding in the crook of his neck, staying silent for a while, enjoying his caresses and the way he was still filling her, lulling herself in the warmth of his body and the delicateness of his hands caressing her back while he whispered sweet nothings in her ears.

“Please, don’t ever leave me again. I don’t even want to choose between having you in my life or not.”

“I won’t. I promise I’ll treat you right just like when we first met.”

“I love you,” she whispered, rolling to the side, snuggling close to him again, leaving pecks on his shoulder and chest.

“I love you, too,” he replied, caressing her hair and pressing his lips on her forehead. Still unsure this wasn’t all a trick of his mind and that she was truly there, in his arms. And it sure, it was going to be a long path trying to fix what was broken, but he couldn’t care. He was in his happy place and that was all that mattered.

Things would’ve fallen into pieces, step by step, eventually, with time, tomorrow.

Now, it was fine like this, with the storm raging outside and their hearts beating as one, lulling them to sleep as they found peace realizing that with others they were happy, but together they were happier.

a/n: I hope you liked it, please let me know your opinion whatever it is, I’ve read so many theories before publishing it and I’d like to know what you think after reading it (be polite ofc). Also, let me know if you’d like to read another part, I feel bad for Jeno and I had in mind to address how his relationship with the mc ended better here but then I decided to end it like this, mostly because it was already long. If you’d like to read more, though, I’d write it. And also let me know if you want to be kept/added to the taglist in case I’ll write more.

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