#accidentally added a caterpillar onto my own serious post but uh thanks little fella

[thecommunityoftrustworthysinks]

(positive, personal post, mentions of self harm)

it's interesting. a few times ive mentioned to some people that i could probably qualify for keyhole surgery (no scars) but i don't want it, and ive had them get confused why i wouldn't want a top surgery that left no scars.

and i sorta...well most of the time i just say because im trans and top surgery is a part of that for me and i'd like to have the scars to be visible and proud about it. which is true, and enough of the picture for most of the times ive had this conversation.

but the thing is....scars are a physical history. ive struggled with self harm for more than a decade. im doing better now, i actually don't know exactly when the last time i did it was. it was over a year ago by a few months at least. and im doing pretty good, so in a way it's kind of weird that i might be able to soon say that im recovered from something that was so dominant in all of my developmental years starting from age 12.

i still have the scars. some are faint now, some aren't, but they're there. i see them every day. they've been all sorts of things to me, points of pride, triggering, ugly, beautiful, whatever.

now? they're a history. and that's how i feel about all scars, honestly. the big one on my knee from gouging it on my desk at college. the surgical scars i have. the one on my left wrist that i don't even know where it came from and it's been there as long as i can remember. the remnants of cuts on my hips, thighs, some on my arms. they tell about me. i would never want to get through life unscathed. im still working on feeling this way about my acne scars, too.

so.

im trans. i didn't come out early. it was far from an easy realization or an easy life to get into. i still struggle sometimes. im bigender, genderqueer and a guy, and in a lot of ways i feel like my gender is more just trans than it is male. i kind of wonder, actually, if once i get on T and start to pass, if my perception of myself as a guy will change or not. im kinda looking forward to finding out.

getting top surgery and ending up in the future not being able to tell i ever had anything on my chest is not a place i want to be in. i want to know. i want other people to know. i want to remember. i want that story on me. i want to be able to run my fingers across the thick ropes of skin and know what i went through to get there. there's no tribute to my boobs or anything, ive never wanted or liked them and i certainly won't miss them (except maybe as stims). i just want that there, because more of me is trans than male, and i don't want to look cis. i want to keep holding onto the way my life has been and what has happened to me and what ive done to myself (in good and bad ways) and i want that history written on me too.

(obligatory personal feelings! visible top surgery scars (or top surgery at all!) has nothing to do with maleness or transness or a journey inherently)