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nastywomenblr-blog · 7 years

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Giving Grace

Working in family law, I believe firmly in the adage "there are three sides to every story - yours, mine and the truth". Every person has their own perception of how a situation played out. Some match reality more than others and it's easy to say "Fuck it! I like my version better." Sometimes the "fuck it" approach is a great coping mechanism - but only for so long. Ultimately, it stunts any long-term growth. Which is how I find myself here - years after a horrific death, trying for the first time to see it through fresh eyes. As opposed to the tear-blurred eyes from before.

Nearly four years ago, the local news ran a short clip that the body of a woman near my age was found in my hometown. I knew immediately it was going to be someone I knew of. Instead, after translating my best friend's cries in the phone I realized it wasn't just any former classmate, or sibling of an acquaintance. It was one of our own. A member of that core group of high school friends that you may only see once a month or once a year but the time between visits isn't so much a huge gap, as a brief pause, in the conversation.

She died from a hit and run. She was not in a vehicle. The driver did not have a valid license. The driver was drunk. The driver and passenger knew they hit something or someone and left. They pulled over later down the road and saw blood on the car and drove home. The driver and passenger did not call police. The passenger later gave up the driver's name to police. The driver left the state in attempt to evade police. The driver had a lengthy criminal history. Said criminal history is really the only reason the driver is serving any jail time. (Because persistent felony offender carries a surer sentence than manslaughter. Neat.)

There are lots of ways to look at the facts. But there's really only one way most people look at them if they know the victim. Selfishly. And I was no different; I met these facts selfishly, sprinkled with horror, grief, restlessness, fear, hatred and bitter rage, for good measure. (My personal version of the seven stages of grief.) That was MY friend. Look how this affects ME. Be angry for ME. This is natural, and arguably necessary, to process a sudden tragedy. Everyone around us made it about themselves, too. When we told people where she was found - "I was just there". We numbly thought, yeah, it's a pretty busy road, lots of people were just there. When we told people when it happened - "I just talked to her last week". We dumbfoundedly thought, yeah, she wasn't a hermit, lots of us just spoke with her, too. (Apparently nightmare-induced sleep deprivation made us weirdly competitive in our grief. Selfish and pious-the winning combo.) We sat there in judgment whilst simultaneously doing just about the same thing. We looked at her death and how it affected us and the people we cared about most. And we became viciously angry at the person who dared disrupt our life and end hers. Our thoughts had no mercy for the driver, the passenger, or their loved ones. We thought and spoke in ugly tones.

But in truth, it wasn't a premediated murder. It was a really fucked up unintentional death. An "accident" as they like to say. Granted, an accident that could have gone a hell of a lot better than it did. You could even say a completely preventable accident. But even if you take out the drunkenness and replace it with ill-timed texting or even fucking sneezing, we're still in the same awful situation. Humor me, and consider whether you've ever found yourself in this scenario, in part....

*You and your new girlfriend are hanging out a bar near her place downtown. You didn't plan on drinking that much, and you really thought you stuck to the plan fine. You and your girlfriend decide to go back to your place. You're walking to her car and she decides she isn't good to drive. She asks you to drive. You don't really have a legit license at the moment, but you don't want to get into that now. Besides, you know how to drive-the government just says you shouldn't. It's fine. You realize maybe you've had one too many, but you'll take the back roads to avoid the cops. It's fine. You're both still amped up in the car: music on, laughing, all that shit. Hell, she may still be drinking in the passenger seat-one for the road! It's fine. You're almost home and you don't know what the fuck happened but you hit something. Hard. You both freak the fuck out. She tells you to pull over and you find a lot down the road and look at the car. It's not fine. The window is fucked up, the lights are fucked up, her car is FUCKED UP. She is panicking. You tell yourself it was a deer. You tell her you just hit a deer. It's fine. You tell yourself it's a deer because you sure as fuck aren't telling the cops your drunk ass drove home, without a license and then hit someone. Something. It was a deer. It's fine. You go home and pass out. You see the car in the morning light and it's not fine. Nothing is fine.*

Ever driven without a license? I definitely did as a teen. Had one too many and got behind the wheel? I’ve certainly been the passenger in this situation. Taken the back roads to avoid interactions with police? See prior answer. Hit a parked car and left? It’s been done to my car. It was always fine. Because we were lucky. We didn't injure or kill anyone.

What the driver did was stupid. But I don't think intentional. And he'll lose ten years of freedom.

But she lost everything.

And I can't change that. I can change how much energy I spend cursing the driver, cursing the universe, and cursing the unfairness of it all. I'm still pissed - and I think that's fair. But I'm not going to spend any more of my energy hating a man that made a lot of common mistakes that this time resulted in a life-altering moment I can't reverse. He didn't intend to kill her, so I can't keep treating this like a premediated, heinous, torturous murder. It was an unintentional death.

He didn't intend to kill her. It was an unintentional death.

He didn't intend to kill her.

It was an unintentional death.

#accidentalkiller #grief #nuance #lettinggo

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