#absolute clown sport in the most derogatory way

[vicsy]

somewhere in netflix headquarters a team of DTS writers is snorting this season like a fat line of coke

[krytus]

the great cyberverse alignment manifesto

soundwave and shadowstriker: goes almost without saying how cool they are. swaggy as hell. bully without remorse. they would absolutely being home gold and look great doing it

alpha strike, skywarp: all women are queens <3

hot rod: do you think soundwave would date anyone too far below his coolness level? absolutely not i love jock4jock love

bumblebee: took the second matrix and kept it away for longer than blurr was alive. so maybe bumblebee was the fastest 🤔

clobber: can bench press a bus but fails the one test of friendship 😔

windblade, slipstream, arcee, chromia: undoubtedly epic, but mostly unaligned.

wheeljack, whirl, ratchet: not as cool as the lesbians. but still cool. fun to be around

cosmos: too few lines to guage coolness and sportsy ability but still. cool enough

swoop: cool, but like all the dinokids, grimlock rubs off on her

volcanicus: despite being 3/5 brainless jock and 1/5 nerd, grimlock's theater background drags them all the way down

cheetor: he'd get cast as the lead in a school play and go full shakespeare

grimlock, thunderhowl: this one was hard bc Who was the coolest theater kid? is there even such a thing as a cool theater kid??? but grimlock won the cool theater kid award, beating out thunderhowl, for One reason alone. there isn't a single scene where he doesn't have a five star performance. this man does NOT have an off switch

optimus: he's slightly more jock leaning than theater kid bc did you See that allspark throw 😍 unfortunately he is not cool. he's a bit of a loser bc he lets megatron get away with. well everything

teletraan x: the true neutral. go king give us nothing!

wildwheel: does have a flair for the dramatic, but unfortunately for him, shooting counts as a sport

lockdown: he's a jock BUT he's a perpetual bench warmer. king of showing up doing nothing and leaving <3

purple....big....seeker guy: i forgot his name not gonna lie. he's stand in for all the seekers i didnt feel like adding. true jocks. absolutely forgettable

prowl: commited to the grind. missed tit workout day and paid the price 😔

dead end: so so pathetic (hostile) but all that running after astrotrain makes him a track star

astrotrain: large=good at sports. or however it goes. words alone are not enough to explain what a loser he is.

rack n ruin: they have One job. and they fail at it. get a participation trophy tho <3

bludgeon: the only thing he does is flex his stupid little sword skills and be mean to slipstream. i was happy when he died

thundercracker: my pathetic little king. has no idea whats going on at any given moment. no one tells him the plan. i want to feed him soup

perceptor: thee most controversial placement so far. which really shouldnt be like have you met his boyfriend. and you know what they say. birds of a same feather 😔 clown together

shockwave: he does love the drama of it. maybe would have been less pathetic if he'd k worded megatron and taken over the decepticons

soundblaster: lost ONCE and didnt stop screaming crying and throwing up for like two million years

hammerbyte: he's a little dramatic. and very bad at his job

meteorfire: typical youtuber drama queen. he seems cool when you're younger than him but once youre his age you're like damn bitch you live like this?

jetfire: another sad case of Getting Dragged Down By Your Boyfriend. can match sky bytes energy. derogatory.

tarn: MY PATHETIC LITTLE MEOW MEOW. absolutely strung optimus along for the bit. commited to his vulnerable little flower persona a little. too hard. we know he ripped his own arm off. he has those vibes. unfortunately he is the least pathetic of the pathetic theater kids bc he didn't get beat by a fellow theater kid, it took the sexiest jock to bring him down

sky byte: a very strong, very capable decepticon. has no interest in any of that, prefers to do intricate homosexuality rituals w jetfire

the other megatron: homophobic king <3 he really was in his post victory relaxation period but then got clowned by gay megatron and died. pathetic legend. would NOT feed him soup

megatron, starscream: this is it. this is the defining moment. who is thee most pathetic theater kid. in megatron's corner, we have his whole. inability to kill optimus costing him the war. in starscream's corner, we have him having the power of 1. all cybertronian life and 2. the entire universe at his fingertips but being SO obsessed with rubbing megatron's face in it that he fails. both times. that's why he's our crowning victor. who else failed more miserably? who else flew so high only to be brought down by the weight of their own clown wig?

this took me an entire hour