#aaaaaaaand then i woke up crying

[fa-ee-blog]

i had an incredibly disturbing nightmare last night and it stuck with me all morning, and id all but forgotten it until a few minutes ago, imma just stick it under a cut because No One Wants To Hear This Trust Me. and if someone DOES read it, tw for gore and violence. also ive been in a major creative slump lately so the way ive written this is a little... involved? it reads almost like a short story but id like to make it clear that i in no way enjoyed this dream or writing it and it literally makes me feel sick and i woke up crying because of it and i know how mean y’all can be so just... dont

ok so i dont remember the whole thing but like, i lived somewhere that had a backyard, except it was covered over and though only two sides had walls, it was built up against a cliff face so really only one side was open and the trees there were so thick you couldnt walk through. there were heavy padlocks on the door, but i had a key. i had the key on a chain tied around my hips, under my clothes. no one could ever get at the key, no matter what. no one could ever get in, no matter what. it was so massive so that when you stood at the top, near the trees, you could barely see whoever stood down the slope. it sort of narrowed out towards the bottom, and there was a small shed down there. it was dark, all the time. so, so dark. there was a girl down there, blond, stocky, her name was claire and she had pretty eyes. she was so kind to me, she had helped me from day one, and never made me do anything i didnt want to do.  i was softer in this dream, more trusting. easier to lie to. she told me that the first one had been a terrible accident, and what happened next was just cleaning. helping. they didnt do anything wrong, they made a mess and cleaned it up. spilled milk.  and really, after one, what difference did two, three, four, six, ten, twelve really make? they were all the same. theyre all the same, holly. this is all just the first time. whats the difference between once and twice, really?  i hated to go near the shed, where the stench of turpentine and meat got worse. where claire would be sinking her axe into the pit, over and over and over again, the sounds turning my stomach. seeing the muck pushed up over her legs, arms, stomach, made me grateful for the darkness down here. i could believe it was just mud.  more than the muck, i hated him.  i dont remember his name, but he was big and dirty and cruel. i was sure that he liked doing what he did. if i spent too much time with him, id stop believing what claire told me. but that was ok, claire didnt like me spending too much time with him anyway.  claire was so good to me. but he wasnt. where claire just wanted me to bring her bottles of turpentine, he wanted me to swing the axe. when claire would let me wait in the trees until it was over, he wanted me down there.  in the shed.  in the pit.  claire never let that happen. she stood with her arms folded, her feet apart, her chin lifted. she insisted i wasnt ready yet.  he told her she’d chosen poorly. i didnt hear the rest of that conversation.  the next thing i remember is fire, and screaming. claire telling me to run, run goddammit run, and dont you dare follow me. youre innocent, you hear me? youre innocent. you know she was an accident, she was a mistake. you never got your hands dirty, you hear me? RUN i want to look at my hands, now. the stains that mark claire’s never seem to wash off, no matter how much she washes she always looks grimy. weathered. mine are still soft and unmarked. clean.  fire bursts down the bottom end of our shelter, building and building and building. i can see the pit illuminated, and when the light falls on it some small part of my brain starts screaming. it doesnt look like mud anymore. then it catches, and it doesnt smell like mud either. something thats sounds too terrible to be true, so terrible it must be, begins to sing in the back of my mind. i turn and throw up into the scrub, wanting to expel the thought, pulling my dazed little cloud of trust and compliance back in close. i traded in my sharp edges, my fire, my fight. i gave them to claire and she promised me shed look after me in exchange. trust claire, and youll never have to try again. my lift my head and i can see her, down by the shed. she swings the axe into the flaming pit and i shudder, remembering the crunch, the squelch. she rests the head of the axe on the ground, so that it stands straight up. the handle reaches about waist height on her, and she rests her hands on it, tilting her head to the side. the flames frame her silhouette for a moment, just a moment.  then all hell breaks loose.  a split second after a booming voice announces the presence of the FBI (FBI? when did i come to america? where am i? how did i get here?) the flames engulf the shed and the heat combining with whatever they keep in there causes a chemical reaction of epic proportions.  i see reality itself unfold and crumple down the bottom end. the sides of the shed swell and pull back in. the roof lifts. then, it all reaches out with the same grace as a bird unfolding its wings.  claire’s very body dismantles in much the same way.  and then i can’t see anything, anything at all. orange clouds of heat, just pure heat, race up the slope toward me and for a second im sure its the last thing i’ll ever see but then i am outside, with an agent’s arms wrapped around me. at first i think he is comforting me but when i try to break away his grip becomes harsher and i realise, no, hes restraining me. he thinks im a threat.  and then my aunt is there and she used to be a cop, so i reach for her. she can help me, she can tell them, tell them that we were just cleaning up an accident. its ok, nobody really got hurt. spilled milk. but her eyes go wide and furious, and afraid and she tells me that im evil, how could i hide this, why didnt i stop it? she thought, no, she knew i was better than that. i was raised better than this, and shed sooner die than help me now.  she turns and runs into the flames. and that truth that was singing in my ear before, that thing that went against everything claire had taught me, it was screaming now. running at me with reckless abandon, screeching with blood between its teeth and- oh god. blood.  the blood of twelve innocent people, in my backyard.  the first woman, she’d had dark hair and four kids. there had been a car accident.  accident?  that’s what id been told.  and i couldnt even remember the others. how had i believed they were just cleaning up the same mess again and again and again? how could i believe that eleven lives were one, that one life was nothing?  the pit. the muck that covered claire at any given time. the axe, the squelch, the crunch.  oh god. 

[altairs-smores]

Just a Dream

Aaaaaaaand I am back! With angst, of course. How I missed writing angst~ σ(≧ε≦ｏ)

‘The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. Zen wished it were merely a bad dream.’

[Also on Ao3]

Preview: The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. He was running towards his motorcycle, forcing his body to work with him, to stop trembling and to just listen to him. He ignored his manager’s request for him to take a cab or wait until their driver came, starting his ride and speeding his way towards the hospital. If Yvonne found out he rode without a helmet again, she’d be pissed. Zen had a hard grip on the handles, possibly violating every single traffic rule out there, but he didn’t care. He needed to see her. He needed to see with his own eyes that she was safe.

The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. He was running towards his motorcycle, forcing his body to work with him, to stop trembling and to just listen to him. He ignored his manager’s request for him to take a cab or wait until their driver came, starting his ride and speeding his way towards the hospital. If Yvonne found out he rode without a helmet again, she’d be pissed. Zen had a hard grip on the handles, possibly violating every single traffic rule out there, but he didn’t care. He needed to see her. He needed to see with his own eyes that she was safe.

Stumbling through the front doors of the hospital, the albino ignored the looks he was receiving and made a beeline towards the nurse’s desk. “Is… is there an Yvonne Li admitted here?” The nurse looked bewildered, stammering while looking through their database. “Y-yes, sir. She’s at the emergency room.” He left without another glance, apologizing to the people he bumped into and pointedly ignoring and telling fans he’s busy and couldn’t spare a bit of his time. His girlfriend was in danger, he didn’t have the time. Zen arrived at the emergency room, slumping down on one of the chairs. He tried to calm himself down, squeezing his eyes shut as he put his hands together in a prayer. Just yesterday, they were on a date at his secret place, his lovely girlfriend cooking them dinner and taking out the beer despite her love for wine.

He still remembered how warm she was in his arms, talking about their future as they counted the stars. The albino wanted to reach greater heights in the theatre world while the brunette wanted to join the SWAT team. He knew he couldn’t dissuade the woman no matter what he did, so he simply supported her and made her promise to come home safe. They talked about travelling around the world, not as ZEN and his faithful bodyguard, but just as Hyun Ryu and his future wife and mother of his kids, Yvonne Li. That sassy minx of his was unusually quiet and complacent in his arms when she’d usually be making a ruckus, talking about how she probably wouldn’t be a great mother since she lost hers at a young age and her aunts weren’t the nicest in the block.

“Do you think I’ll do well?” He remembered how scared hazel eyes peered at him, how slender fingers fiddled with the beer can, how she worriedly nibbled on her bottom lip. He remembered feeling warm, seeing his love seriously consider about them having a family. He still remember whispering how wonderful she was, that she’d be a great mother, and that he’d be with her every step of the way. Kisses were shared, which turned into caressing and breathless ‘I love you’s and somehow, Zen found himself staring at luscious curves and the devious smirk of his girlfriend atop him. He was like putty in her hands, helplessly making the sounds Yvonne wanted from him. She had always been in control of their love-making, the albino getting his chance was as rare as finding a four leaf clover. But he didn’t mind, he probably never will.

“Sir?” A voice pulled him out of his reverie, eyes focusing on the doctor in front of him. “Sir, are you a relative of the patient?” Zen shook his head, composing himself and just hoped for the best. “I’m her boyfriend. She… she doesn’t have a family.” It was a flurry after that. The doctor said they did everything they could, and now it all depended on the patient if she lived or not. Of course she’ll live, this was Yvonne they were talking about. Sassy, war freak, didn’t back down from any challenge and as spunky as a firework. He waited until they moved her to a private room, on the edge and barely able to sit down without fidgeting. What he saw broke his heart.

There she was, lying on the hospital bed, all battered and bandaged. Her left arm and leg were in casts, bandages on her head and neck, going down beneath the hospital gown. There was a bandage on the right side of her face, a cut on her lip, bandages on her right hand and just what happened to her? The albino pulled a chair and gently held the brunette’s hand, unable to stop the tears from flowing. He refused to believe this was all from an accident. She was careful, all the time. She might have come back with a lot of scars and bruises, but nothing worse. Every second he spent in there, waiting for Yvonne to wake up felt like forever. He fell asleep just like that, hands grasping hers and praying to the gods that she’d wake up soon.

A hand running through his hair pulled him from sleep, a sweet smile greeting him. “Your eyes are red.” She sounded so tired, it was breaking his heart. The albino held her hand, tears reforming in the corner of his eyes but he still tried to smile for her. “My eyes have always been red, babe.” Yvonne smiled and breathlessly said ‘ass,’ wincing a bit as speaking seemed to have brought her pain. Zen was immediately hovering over her, asking if she needed anything and that he’ll call the nurse.

“I’ll be fine,” she said, weakly grasping his hand. “I’m a big, tough girl. I’ll borrow your monster healing abilities and who knows? I’ll probably be up and about in 2-3 days.” They both knew she was lying, that she was far too weak, that not even Zen could recover that fast, but he indulged her. He didn’t say a word of retort and just smiled, holding her hand against his cheek. It felt so hard to breathe, like there was a lump in his throat that just won’t disappear. Still, he kept it all in. His lover was going to be fine. She was strong, stubborn, and she was the woman who kept butting heads with him. And she was looking at him with those tired hazel eyes, cementing his belief that she’ll be fine.

Zen woke up with a start, the beeping of the machine was the only thing heard in the room. It was 30 minutes past 3 in the morning, and Yvonne wasn’t showing any sign of waking up. A dream? He mentally beat himself over it, running a hand through his hair in frustration. What a cruel dream. He couldn’t escape the worry and hope even in his sleep. The albino caressed the hand he was clasping, heaving a sigh and took out a tiny box from his jacket. He had been meaning to pick up the brunette from work, bring her to a restaurant and finally pop the question – but this happened. Red eyes stared at the ring inside it, just a simple silver band with a small diamond. He wanted something grander, to show just how much she meant to her, but he knew Yvonne would kick his ass for ‘wasting’ money on that. She wasn’t the kind of woman who cared about jewelry after all. As long as it was something given from the bottom of the heart, she’ll treasure it – one of the things that made him fall deeper for her.

The actor took the ring and slipped it on her finger, admiring the way it looked. A perfect fit. This wasn’t how he planned it. This wasn’t where he wanted to ask her hand, but it was better than nothing. Yvonne Ryu. It sounded nice, sounded like a dream come true. “Yvonne Ryu.” He said, testing the name on his lips. “Sounds shitty.” He slowly turned to the woman, feeling his heart hammer in his chest as red eyes met hazel. The brunette held the gaze, her expression slowly softening as she smiled. “I like it.”

Zen couldn’t utter any words, his throat closing on him as though he was mute. Tears spilled from his eyes – from worry or relief, it didn’t matter. Because the love of his life was awake and smiling at him and reaching out to wipe his tears and he couldn’t help the sob that escaped him. “You’re awake. You’re awake, babe.” He said it, again and again as if it were a mantra. He could hear the woman chuckle weakly, her hand cold against his cheek.

“Who the fuck proposes to a sleeping person? I didn’t know you had that kink.” Expect it from this woman to tease at a time like this, even when her voice was weak and breaking and she looked on the verge of passing out. The actor laughed, shaking his head at his ridiculous lover, and made a motion to leave the room to call the nurse. He was stopped by a tug on his hand, Yvonne shaking her head while mouthing ‘later.’ Zen sat once again and watched his lover, the beeping of the machine the only noise in the comfortable silence of the room.

“Say it again?” Came the whispered request. The albino complied, whispering ‘Yvonne Ryu’ over and over again, as many times as his girlfriend wished. It warmed his heart to know that she wanted this too, that she wanted a future with him. Yet, each passing minute, the brunette looked weaker, her hand losing what little warmth it had.

“Yvonne.” Zen could feel panic rise. Her pulse was weakening, the machine showing more flat lines. He hit the emergency button in the room, praying to the gods for her to be saved. Hazel eyes were slowly closing and yet, she held her smile. Even in her fight with death, she looked like an angel.

“Sounds like a dream… Hyun.”

The line flattened and he was left crying out her name.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 29.06.17 lb

plain text version here. 

ouff more time waste in repeat of yesterday’s last 5 min. 😒😒😒

those sunglasses are hella tacky, my man. 😬😬😬

Awareness™ . AWARENESS™!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAS BITCH! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

fuck i love this song so much. the lyrics man. the lyrics. for once, the song selection is so fuckingggggg perfect, and i am cryyyyyying. 😭😭😭😭

um is this the “anika/chanda/mahi/ranveer’s home” set that’s been converted into the dargah too???? jesus. this structure gives multipurpose a whole new definition. 😐😐😐

parallels to qubool hai first episode! 😊😊😊

(except he didn’t see her face, like asad saw zoya’s.)

“yehi ishq di marzi hai, yehi rab di marzi hai.” 😭😭😭😭

i gotta say the cinematography and composition of this scene is really beautiful. one of the best in this show, ever. EVER. 😍😍😍

he can’t help but get up and follow. he is physically drawn to her, against his will and all reason. my heartttttt. my fucking heart. 😭😭😭

not sure if i like surbhi’s new nose pin. 😕😕😕

fuck, you guys... meri saansein ruk rahi hai. 😧😧😧😥😥😥

who the f said that? that too, to anika, who as it is obvious, is NOT the bride? 🙄🙄🙄

ohhhhhhhh boy. oh broooo. just shush. just make your lovestruck puppy eyes. don’t open your mouth. 😣😣😣

“tum jaisi ladki”, yeah ok fuck you too. 😑😑😑

oh now suddenly lot of pyaar for mummeh and her vishesh tippani. 🙄🙄🙄

yeaaaaaaaaah girl, call him out, fuck him upppppp. 😆😆😆

FARAQQQQQQQQQQ!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

who made this baba the class monitor? they’re OUTSIDE the dargah. aap apna dekho na. 😒😒😒

“hum baatein nahi kar rahein, hum JHAGDA kar rahein hai.”

lmao, reminds me of my fav scene from the jungle track “SADAK KE BEECHO BEECH HI TOH JHAGDA HO RAHA HAI!!!!!!!!” 😂😂😂

ok this baba is way too chatty. 😒😒😒

lmaooooooooo anika updating nosy baba on their relationship status. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

oh childrennnnnnnnnn. you stubborn idiottttts. you love each other so much. 😌😌😌

my poor dazed boy. 😞😞😞

oh thank the lord, chanda is back. i thought anika would actually have to get engaged to chanda’s fiance. 😕😕😕

oh wow. quick and sensible resolution to the amit problem. chanda seems to be a whiz at conflict resolution. chanda, please to be mediating between these two idiots as well? 😌😌😌

i don’t get why khanna, shivaay’s HEAD OF SECURITY does these manager/assistant type duties? no wonder the security is so damn lax. the scope of his job is waaay too vast. how much can ONE man be expected to do???? 😑😑😑

also, whaaaaaaaaat, how could samar POSSIBLYYYY have gotten the deallll when shivaay went through the super effective and legal route of BURNING THE PAPERS?????? 😯😯😯

lmao, deal hua nahi, sign bhi lag gaya site pe. samar works fast. 😏😏😏

LMAO AND WE’RE BACK AT THE EXACT SAME LOCATION OF DARGAH. MAN, AT LEAST TRYYYY TO MAKE THE LOCATIONS LOOK DIFFERENT. 😂😂😂

aaaaaaaand shivaay’s tacky prada sunnies just went flying into the next dimension. 😐😐😐

i don’t understand why baseball bats are so prevelent in the ib universe. this is india. like... cricket bat nahi, toh hockey stick sahi. chalo kuch nahi, toh badminton racquet. yeh baseball bat kaun rakhta hai? 🤔🤔🤔

LMAO HE’S STANDING ON TOP OF THE CAR AND PONTIFICATING. SO FUCKING EXTRA. 😂😂😂😂😂

like, the chawl ppl really don’t give a shit about WHO owns the land? they probably don’t know who the fuck samarjeet malhotra even is. give him your bs “message” yourself. 🙄🙄🙄

sup rudra??? 😚😚😚

kya din aaa gaye. pehle shivaay ko phone aata hai rudra ko jail se chudaane ke liye. now rudra gets the call coz bhaiyya is out there wrecking havoc like taz from the looney tunes cartoons. 😂😂😂

ok seriously, he’s willingly handing himself in? this man has truly lost it. 😐😐😐

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO. SHIVAAY, WHO UNTIL TODAY HAS COMPLETELY ABUSED THE “SYSTEM” BY THREATENING AND PULLING ALL THE STRINGS HE HAS TO DEBASE THE CITY’S POLICE AT EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY HE’S GOTTEN, IS GIVING LECTURE ON “YEHI PROBLEM HAI IS DESH KE SYSTEM KI”. OK BOY. OK. 🙄🙄🙄 

i can’t stop laughing at him literally CHILLING IN JAIL. what a fucking idiot. 😆😆😆

“humne sir ko lockup mein nahi daala. YEH KHUD HI ZABARDASTI GHUS GAYE.” 

OMFG I LET OUT A CACKLE SO FUCKING LOUD (IT’S PAST 2 AM WHERE I AM) THAT MY CAT WOKE UP AND IS NOW GLARING AT ME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

lmao oh god i can’t even. shivaaaay, oh you adorable fucking idiot. 😅😅😅

this is what happens when you ppl don’t give the man a moment of peace in his own damn house. he’s willing to spend the night in jail to get ten minutes of silence. 😕😕😕

ok, i fully relate with his expressionless, lying-on-the-floor, depression fugue. been there, bro. 😪😪😪 

OMG. 😧😧😧

omgggggggggggg i loveeeeeeeeee itttttttttttt. he’s not alone! omRu will always be with him. always. 😭😭😭😭😭

ok i’m legit crying from the happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m just so glad that shivaay’s depressed ass still keeps omRu (and Gauri) close to his heart, and he isn’t pushing them away. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WEIRD SHIRT ANIKA IS WEARING?? 😟😟😟

advay ki entry kal hai kya? 🤔🤔🤔

ALSO YAAAAAS QUEEN, YOU TAKE THAT GHARRRRR!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[cafephan]

the danny situation/explaining my hatred of april 1st

okay here’s a post i never thought i’d be typing up. i can count on one hand with fingers to spare, how many people know this story, and none of them are family members or anyone i have any form of contact with anymore. yet here i am sharing it with the internet, but i feel like i need to articulate it and note it down somewhere rather than still trying to repress it even years later when it’s clearly not working and recently it keeps coming to haunt me more than ever

just a pre-warning some of you are going to think i’m pathetic for this still affecting me and will think it’s no big deal and it’s not worth posting about but i think it’s important for myself to finally just write it all down, judge me if you want i’ve gotten enough of it before

so, i’m wildly unattractive, i don’t feel as if i have to prove that to anyone. and if highschool movies have taught us anything about the typical ugly girl, what is it? that they always end up crushing on the cute guy (obviously this is a cliche movie trope and doesn’t apply to real life except it did to me, very much so). 

i considered changing his name for the purpose of this, but no like what’s the point. his name was danny and he was in my form group for the duration of the five years of secondary school, meaning we saw each other every day. he was also in my maths group (shout out to other people in set three, forever average) and little old me just used to fawn over him and not so subtly stare at him the entire time. though, having no friends, nobody was there to call me out on it, which looking back is both a blessing and a curse. 

like i said, i’m wildly unattractive now, so take a moment to imagine me in 2008. puppy fat aplenty, the chubbiest cheeks you ever did see and resting bitch face (which still hasn’t left me). i was a mess. but i saw danny as some kind of god - which he definitely wasn’t, i hate myself for ever thinking that lmao - and though i was always terrified to try and strike up conversation, it never stopped me smiling whenever he looked my way (we were only one person apart in the register too which helped in assemblies) and the odd times he did the polite thing and smiled back i would practically melt on the spot. 

the not so subtle crushing continued for four years, which takes us to our second-to-last year of secondary school. for some reason i had been forced to do a resistant materials gcse because i was apparently in ‘the cream of the crop’ in my year group throughout the past years’ DT (design and technology) classes, and still to this day i have no fucking idea why they put me in there because all i did was use the sanding machine. but anyway, DT god danny was also on the course, and he noticed me struggling with literally every part of it that wasn’t done on computers and took to helping me with little tasks alongside his own projects and unsurprisingly i was internally screaming because oh my god our hands just brushed on the desk vice and other cringeworthy shit like that which i’ve probably used in an early fic or two. there’s nothing more really to note on that year just remember that he started being nice then. another thing worth saying is that this is the year i started to wear a bit of makeup and when i came to maths class one day with pale eyeshadow on, he said that he didn’t like it and so i never wore it again (you should never change yourself for anyone, if something makes you feel good then you keep doing it okay, you dont need anyone else’s validation, i just wish younger kirsten knew and believed that)

the year after is where things happen so it’s late february 2013, and i came home from my grandparents’ house to find a new message in my facebook inbox. without being dramatic because this literally happened, i swear my breath caught in my throat because danny had just messaged me saying ‘hey babe’ i remember it distinctly, and i squealed into a pillow. i replied immediately, then flopped back on my bed wondering why this had happened, there’s never been anything appealing about me either in appearance or personality, so the reason why was a mystery, but i was so wrapped up in being completely head over heels heart eyes i didn’t really give it a second thought, because he replied a second or two later with another pet name.

these casual messages with petnames continued all through march and stupidly i started saying petnames back (which in itself is a reason to repress this whole thing), and on march 31st we were chatting and suddenly he says ‘can we skype tomorrow?’ and i literally cried, i was so happy. i’d heard girls in school talking about skyping with boys and a small very petty part of me wanted to be one of them and i felt as if i just might have the chance. obviously i said yes and we both logged off.

aaaaaaaand around rolls april 1st. the lovely lovely holiday of april fools day. what a fucking delight. 

i’m sure you can see where this is going, right?

so i dressed up nice and waited for the skype call to come through, and when it does i desperately try to calm myself down, and look to the ground and take deep breaths. my blood ran cold when i heard multiple boys’ laughter coming from the other end of the call. there were six of them, including danny.

without even addressing i was there (obviously they knew i was there) they started reading out the messages that it turns out they had been taking turns to send to me from his account, and put on a really high pitched voice reading my responses. 

(sidenote: i’m genuinely crying right now as i write this i’m sorry if there’s any typos from now on my vision’s gone blurry)

when they finally finished - i don’t know why i didn’t end the fucking call myself, i was just frozen out of fear and embarrassment and mortification i guess - they all burst into laughter, danny laughing probably the loudest. i was crying, and i opened my mouth to say something, but i was crying too heavily. this caused them to laugh louder, and one of them said “and even now she can’t fucking say anything, freak.” they laugh again and one of danny’s friends leaned in close to the webcam. “did you honestly think he liked you?” he asked, and i stupidly nodded, because at some point i’d let myself believe it, again because i had no friends to tell me how stupid and dodgy the whole thing was. 

then his friend went back and danny himself leaned in close. “april fools” he said with a horrible grin and blew a kiss to the webcam before the call ended, and i. fucking. lost. it. 

still to this day, i don’t think i ever cried that much. i had panic attack after panic attack, i didn’t get any sleep, and nothing could calm me down. it still holds the top spot of worst night of my life, and trust me it’s had many many challengers for that title since.

the next day, because i shut myself off from the internet that night, i woke up to three new facebook messages. from three of his friends who were on the call with him. ‘happy april fools, sweetheart’ one of them said, ‘i can’t believe you thought you had any chance with him lol nice try darling’ said another, and the final read ‘just kill yourself already. babe’. all petnames ‘danny’ used at one point.

so that is the reason i beg you all to not send any form of prank on april fools day to me. because it brings back the memory of that. every april 1st i cry myself to sleep, and though i know you all mean well, any involvement with that holiday, no matter how small, sets me off. 

this incident is the reason i couldn’t accept compliments in the early days, long time followers will remember, i’m sure. this incident is the reason i’ve not been able to have crushes on anyone. i’ve never let myself because in the back of my mind i’m always worrying things will turn out the same way. if i start to feel anything for anyone i back away and leave them alone completely. this incident is the reason i struggle to form friendships. tied in with the bullying and the fact i had no friends to teach me what friendship was, naturally.

in case you were wondering, danny’s engaged now, he’s happy. i think i saw on facebook they’re trying for a baby. which is good for them, but i can’t help but feel like it’s not fair. he’s off playing happy families and living life whilst i’m still here suffering from a stupid fucking prank when he knew full well i was crushing on him.

it was only three years ago, so i suppose it’s understandable, and i’m in a much better place with myself now than i was which helps, but it’s something that’s really etched itself into my brain and is still affecting me to a certain degree. i feel like now i’ve typed it all up, i might be able to sleep easy, it does feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. plus, i think i’ve made allusions to this story before various times but none of you pried about it which i really appreciate, you’re all so incredibly lovely and i can’t thank you enough.

so there’s the danny story and the reason i hate april fools’ day.

if you read this far, then thank you, and if you think i’m overreacting still, you’re more than entitled to your opinion, i’ve been judged on many things before and what’s one more to add to the list by this point. 

i love you all very much and hope you have a great rest of your day and i’m sorry if this dampened anyone’s mood in any way. i hope this has given you a little more insight to me, i don’t know why it would’ve but who knows. sorry.

xx