#aaaaaaaand then i woke up crying

[fa-ee-blog]

i had an incredibly disturbing nightmare last night and it stuck with me all morning, and id all but forgotten it until a few minutes ago, imma just stick it under a cut because No One Wants To Hear This Trust Me. and if someone DOES read it, tw for gore and violence. also ive been in a major creative slump lately so the way ive written this is a little... involved? it reads almost like a short story but id like to make it clear that i in no way enjoyed this dream or writing it and it literally makes me feel sick and i woke up crying because of it and i know how mean y’all can be so just... dont

ok so i dont remember the whole thing but like, i lived somewhere that had a backyard, except it was covered over and though only two sides had walls, it was built up against a cliff face so really only one side was open and the trees there were so thick you couldnt walk through. there were heavy padlocks on the door, but i had a key. i had the key on a chain tied around my hips, under my clothes. no one could ever get at the key, no matter what. no one could ever get in, no matter what. it was so massive so that when you stood at the top, near the trees, you could barely see whoever stood down the slope. it sort of narrowed out towards the bottom, and there was a small shed down there. it was dark, all the time. so, so dark. there was a girl down there, blond, stocky, her name was claire and she had pretty eyes. she was so kind to me, she had helped me from day one, and never made me do anything i didnt want to do.  i was softer in this dream, more trusting. easier to lie to. she told me that the first one had been a terrible accident, and what happened next was just cleaning. helping. they didnt do anything wrong, they made a mess and cleaned it up. spilled milk.  and really, after one, what difference did two, three, four, six, ten, twelve really make? they were all the same. theyre all the same, holly. this is all just the first time. whats the difference between once and twice, really?  i hated to go near the shed, where the stench of turpentine and meat got worse. where claire would be sinking her axe into the pit, over and over and over again, the sounds turning my stomach. seeing the muck pushed up over her legs, arms, stomach, made me grateful for the darkness down here. i could believe it was just mud.  more than the muck, i hated him.  i dont remember his name, but he was big and dirty and cruel. i was sure that he liked doing what he did. if i spent too much time with him, id stop believing what claire told me. but that was ok, claire didnt like me spending too much time with him anyway.  claire was so good to me. but he wasnt. where claire just wanted me to bring her bottles of turpentine, he wanted me to swing the axe. when claire would let me wait in the trees until it was over, he wanted me down there.  in the shed.  in the pit.  claire never let that happen. she stood with her arms folded, her feet apart, her chin lifted. she insisted i wasnt ready yet.  he told her she’d chosen poorly. i didnt hear the rest of that conversation.  the next thing i remember is fire, and screaming. claire telling me to run, run goddammit run, and dont you dare follow me. youre innocent, you hear me? youre innocent. you know she was an accident, she was a mistake. you never got your hands dirty, you hear me? RUN i want to look at my hands, now. the stains that mark claire’s never seem to wash off, no matter how much she washes she always looks grimy. weathered. mine are still soft and unmarked. clean.  fire bursts down the bottom end of our shelter, building and building and building. i can see the pit illuminated, and when the light falls on it some small part of my brain starts screaming. it doesnt look like mud anymore. then it catches, and it doesnt smell like mud either. something thats sounds too terrible to be true, so terrible it must be, begins to sing in the back of my mind. i turn and throw up into the scrub, wanting to expel the thought, pulling my dazed little cloud of trust and compliance back in close. i traded in my sharp edges, my fire, my fight. i gave them to claire and she promised me shed look after me in exchange. trust claire, and youll never have to try again. my lift my head and i can see her, down by the shed. she swings the axe into the flaming pit and i shudder, remembering the crunch, the squelch. she rests the head of the axe on the ground, so that it stands straight up. the handle reaches about waist height on her, and she rests her hands on it, tilting her head to the side. the flames frame her silhouette for a moment, just a moment.  then all hell breaks loose.  a split second after a booming voice announces the presence of the FBI (FBI? when did i come to america? where am i? how did i get here?) the flames engulf the shed and the heat combining with whatever they keep in there causes a chemical reaction of epic proportions.  i see reality itself unfold and crumple down the bottom end. the sides of the shed swell and pull back in. the roof lifts. then, it all reaches out with the same grace as a bird unfolding its wings.  claire’s very body dismantles in much the same way.  and then i can’t see anything, anything at all. orange clouds of heat, just pure heat, race up the slope toward me and for a second im sure its the last thing i’ll ever see but then i am outside, with an agent’s arms wrapped around me. at first i think he is comforting me but when i try to break away his grip becomes harsher and i realise, no, hes restraining me. he thinks im a threat.  and then my aunt is there and she used to be a cop, so i reach for her. she can help me, she can tell them, tell them that we were just cleaning up an accident. its ok, nobody really got hurt. spilled milk. but her eyes go wide and furious, and afraid and she tells me that im evil, how could i hide this, why didnt i stop it? she thought, no, she knew i was better than that. i was raised better than this, and shed sooner die than help me now.  she turns and runs into the flames. and that truth that was singing in my ear before, that thing that went against everything claire had taught me, it was screaming now. running at me with reckless abandon, screeching with blood between its teeth and- oh god. blood.  the blood of twelve innocent people, in my backyard.  the first woman, she’d had dark hair and four kids. there had been a car accident.  accident?  that’s what id been told.  and i couldnt even remember the others. how had i believed they were just cleaning up the same mess again and again and again? how could i believe that eleven lives were one, that one life was nothing?  the pit. the muck that covered claire at any given time. the axe, the squelch, the crunch.  oh god. 

[madamsixx]

Beyond The Leather: Chapter 11: Iman Drunkington

Continued from last chapter

The limo picked up me and Lisa and drove us to the after party. There were tons of people and paparazzi as usual. The camera men were following the Motley boys everywhere. People were treating them like they were Kings maybe even Gods.

"There are soo many hot guys here. I have to find someone for my self." Lisa whispered in my ear.

"Lisa I don't think any one of these guys are good enough for you. Look at them, there all the same drunk drugged up rock stars."

"Well you certainly caught a drunk drugged up rock stars attention." She winked at me. She turned my head to look over at Nikki who was looking at me. I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"I don't want him. He's a mess and he's crazy and he's mean." I walked towards a table that had punch and poured my self some.

"Mani he's probably just lonely." She said following me.

"Hey Mani hey Lisa glad you girls could make it." Tommy said walking over to us.

"Were glad we could make it too." I said.

"So Tommy what does a girl have to do to get some blow around here?"

"Lisa!" I yelled.

"What? This is the after party isn't it!" She yelled back.

"Your speaking my language Lisa. Come on girl let's party." He grabbed her and they walked towards a table filled with people and obviously drugs.

I stood by the table and continued pouring and drinking the punch. Which tasted weird but was good.

"Your friend seems to be having a great time."

I turned around and saw Nikki standing behind me. I rolled my eyes and looked away from him.

"You look gorgeous white suits you."

I was wearing a white dress with a half arm sleeve. I knew I looked good in white. And I wasn't going to give him my attention. After how he behaved in March and ignoring me today.

"Look Mani I'm sorry ok, I just didn't know that you were coming and I was shocked when I saw you on stage. I didn't know what to say to you." He moved in front of me so I would be looking at him.

I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I saw his lips moving but couldn't hear a thing he was saying.

"Oh soooo ya know what to... to say now?" I asked wondering if I was making sense.

All of a sudden his straight lips turned into a big devils grin plastered on his face. "How bout a truce." He signaled over for a guy with brownies and little finger cheesecakes to come over. "I know you like sweets cause your sweet. These brownies will go well with that punch."

I looked at the brownies I couldn't resist. They looked good. I grabbed one and ate it. And it was so good. So I started eating them up. I ate about 6 maybe 7 or probably 9.

10 min later....

"Nicholas I neeeeed a drink." I giggled. I was laughing non stop and very hyper.

"C'mere doll let's get you a real drink." Nikki grabbed my hand and led me to the bar. I was smiling so much I felt like I was on cloud nine. I sat at the bar and started laughing so much at absolutely nothing.

"Hey Jack and coke." Nikki said to the bartender.

"Noooooo I drink Cranberry juice." I yelled hitting him on the shoulder.

"Ok sweets cranberry juice and jack for her." He pointed with that same devil's smile on his face.

Another 10 mins later...

I was 5 drinks in when I got on the dance floor and started doing cartwheels in my heels and dress. I was chasing after the waiter trying to grab more brownies from him with Nikki chasing after me.

"Give me the fucking brownies." I grabbed the tray from him and started running and bumping into people. I tripped and fell down and ended up rolling underneath the table eating the brownies.

"Princess I think your done with the brownies." Nikki crawled under the table and grabbed the tray.

"How dare you.......you need to get me more. I need another drink."

What am I even saying I have no idea. But my mind is racing and I'm happy. I ran back on the dance floor grabbing people drinks and downing them. I thought it was funny and people were laughing with me.

"What the fuck Nikki. What the fuck is she doing?" Mick asked Nikki.

"Holy shit is she wasted?" Tommy laughed

Nikki turned around to see me taking people drinks and drinking it. He then ran to me on the dance floor to get me off of it.

"Hey come on doll your done." He grabbed my arm.

"Fuck off no I'm not." I pulled my arm back and ran from him. People were staring at me and really starting to laugh. So I laughed. Until I saw another brownie tray. I dashed towards it like a track star and grabbed the tray. But the waiter wouldnt let the tray go.

"Let the fucking tray go or I'll hit you with my big toe!" I yelled.

"You need help, and I'm not letting go." The waiter yelled back. I yanked it from his hand so hard that he let it go. I ended up flying back wards and knocking into another guy who's drink spilt on him.

"Oh woops" I laughed

"You think this is funny you wasted bitch." He grabbed my arm.

"Oh pee you....you smell. Aaaaaaaand it is funny." I then leaned and breathed on his face and started laughing.

"Laugh at this bitch." The guy then back handed me and I fell backwards hitting the ground hard with the tray splattering on the ground with the brownies.

"Your a fucking dead man." I heard Nikki yell. He clenched his fist and swung, his fist nailed the guy on his right eye. The rest of the Motley boys came charging at the guy.

I was so out of it I didn't even see what was going on. I heard yelling and screaming coming from different directions, I was dizzy and my head was hurting. But on a positive note, there was a brownie in front of me not smooshed and ready to be eaten. In fact it was talking to me. I was hurt but I could still eat this one. And so I took a bite and laughed about it.

I felt arms grab me and pick me up in bridal style and carry me out. We ended up in a hall way. The arms put me down on the ground. I was so dizzy I couldn't keep my eyes open.

"Oh my God is she ok? Nikki what the fuck happened!" Lisa started crying and yelling at the same time. While trying to keep her balance she was high and drunk. And now so was I.

"Sixx what happened?" Vince said trying to hold Lisa up.

"It was just a joke, I didn't know she would go crazy like that." Nikki was panicking.

"She can't go back to our....our hotel like this. Tamara will kill her and me. We will.....will never see the day of light again." Lisa slurred leaning on Vince.

"Well clearly the both of them are wasted. Her I can understand" Mick points at Lisa. "But Iman doesn't drink. We'll talk about this later. Let's just get these two to our hotel." Mick said while grabbing my one arm.

"Mick I didn't mean to do this. It was just for fun." Nikki looks at Mick.

"Just grab her other arm Sixx!" Mick yelled.

Nikki grabbed my other arm and they picked me up.

"Stop....s..s...stop" I pulled away from them and fell on the ground throwing up.

"Babe we need to get you to our hotel room ok now come on." Nikki tried to pick me up again but I hiked up my dress and pulled my panties down. Taking them off completley and throwing them at Nikki. I put two hands on the wall for support and squatted then started peeing on the ground.

"Dude thats fucking awesome." Tommy chuckled "I love drunk Iman." Nikki glared at Tommy with a straight face. "Sorry." He said in a low voice.

I then tried getting up but started to stumble. Nikki caught me and picked me up. He threw me over his shoulders and then everything went black.

Nikki's POV

We arrived back at the hotel. I layed her down on the bed and took off her heels.

"Look she can stay with me if you can't take care of her." Mick suggested.

"No I rather keep her here with me. Who has Lisa?" I asked while turning her to the side and pulling the sheets up to cover her. I also went and got the garbage bin and put it on the side of the bed.

"Vince does, we'll come by in the morning and check up on her." Mick says while heading to the door.

"Nikki," Mick calls.

"Yeah."

"Your never going to be good enough for her. If this is how you keep treating her." He says, then walkes out the door shutting it behind him.

At this point I just sat on the couch staring at her laying on the bed. I never meant for this to go as far as it did. But every action has a consequence. And it was somthing that I was going to have to learn. I got up and went to my suitcase and pulled out a pen and paper and started writing in it.

Iman's POV

The next day I woke up with a massive headache. I looked around and realized that this wasn't my room. I also realized I had no panties on. I slowly got out of the bed holding my head and wondering where I was. I started walking towards the washroom when I looked on the ground and noticed about 5 crumpled up peices of paper. I looked to my left and saw paper and pen laying on the couch. I walked towards it and picked it up and started reading it.

She's only fifteen She's the reason--the reason that I can't sleep You say illegal I say legal's never been my scene I try like hell but I'm out of control

All in the name of rock 'n' roll For sex and sex I'd sell my soul

Pretty, pretty so innocent

I hope to God these lyrics are not about me. I bolted towards the washroom. And threw up in the toilet. I looked in the mirror and could not even believe what I was looking at. I looked like a nightmare. I splashed water on my face and in mouth. "Jesus what happened to me?" I said to myself.

I then heard a door open and close. Whoever came in is either one, a bad guy that's trying to hurt me or two, a nice guy that saw somthing was wrong with me and was trying to help me.

"Mani!"

I heard a voice call. I immediately knew who it was. I walked out of the washroom slowly looking at the raven haired bassist. He was undeniably beautiful. Even in the morning when people looked like crap he looked good.

"Good morning sweets." He walked to the table and places a bag down on it. "How'd you sleep princess?"

"I dont know cause I cant remember. What the hell happened to me Nikki?" I demanded.

"Well that's what a hang over is." Nikki chuckled. He started pulling out bacon, eggs, and bagels from the bag. And had a orange juice and a bottle of cranberry juice. The fact that he knows I love cranberry juice made me smile and my heart melt. But I had to get back to the serious questions.

"I don't drink alcohol so I shouldn't have had a hangover Nikki." I said with a now agitated voice.

"Well you drank yesterday." Nikki turned to face me. "That punch you were drinking had alcohol in it. Alot of it too." He chuckled.

"Oh my God. Did I make a fool of my self at the party." I asked putting my hands on my face and sitting on the bed.

"Well you were chasing down the waiter and swearing at him, you grabbed other people's drinks and started dowing them, you splashed some randoms guy drink on him and he pushed you. And then you went out into the hall way and peed on the ground. But that was after you took your panties off and threw them at me." Nikki says laughing.

"Its not funny. And all that from alcohol and punch. Oh God I feel like I won't be able to show my face out in public again." I groaned.

"Mani." Nikki walks over to me and sits beside me on the bed. But I get up and move away from him.

"Everytime I go out with you guys something goes wrong. What if they release any videos or pictures of me. Tamara will quit on me and my family will feel embarrassed. Oh God." I say pacing around the room.

"They won't, I had Doc take all the cameras away from the photographers. And beleive me when I say it wasn't your fault princess." He assured.

"I need to leave." I started walking towards the door. I wanted to get away from Nikki. Him and his band have just been causing chaos in my life and I had enough.

"Wait can we talk?" Nikki asks standing up from the bed. I stopped and turn to look at him. I nod and walk back sitting on the chair by the table with the food.

"Look about what happened in March I'm sorry for what I did. I .......I just got very mad watching you dancing with somone else." Nikki says scratching the back of his neck and sitting back down.

"You got mad watching me dance with somone else. So that gives you the right to physically hurt me. You grabbed me and then shoved me into a wall and tried to punch me."

"No I didn't try to punch you Mani. I punched the side of the wall-"

"Does that matter!" I interrupted. "You physically hurt me Nikki!" I shouted getting more angry.

"Iman I'm not that person ok. That's not me. I deeply care for you and would never harm you." Nikki started raising his voice.

"But you did Nikki. You did harm me." I shouted.

"Cause you fucking danced with another fucking guy. You knew exactly what you were doing and how that would make me feel!" Nikki shouted back.

By this point we were both in a shouting argument and pointing our fingers at each other. I knew this wasn't going to get solved.

"This is a mistake I'm leaving." I say standing up. "I don't have to put up with you. Your not my boyfriend and I don't owe you anything. I danced with him cause I wanted to, it had nothing to do with hurting you." I shouted and started walking away.

Nikki got up and walked after me. I opened the door and he slammed it shut. Scaring the hell out of me. "Were not done talking!" He shouted.

"Well I am you scare me. And I want to leave right now." My voice started shaking.

Nikki was taken back by my words. His eyes went wide and he looked shocked.

"Are you.....are you scared of me?" He asked with a very low voice. I nodded and my eyes started to tear up. With everything that happened I was starting to feel scared of him. He had two sides to him. I was now starting to understand what Tommy's ex wife Elaine was saying. One minute he would be happy and caring then next he would be angry and aggressive.

Nikki sighed and looked at me hurt. He walked over to the bed and sat down. He looked down at the ground and stayed silent. I sat down on the chair and looked out the window.

"Iman I...I'm so sorry I hurt you. I really care about you and im sorry."

I couldn't help but let out a sigh. I walked and sat beside him on the bed. "Its ok." I whispered.

Nikki turned and looked at me his green eyes staring into my soul. It was hard for me to resist him. He then moved close and kissed my cheek.

"Hey Sixx you guys up." Tommy barged into the room with Vince and Lisa following behind him. We quickly separated from each other.

"Oh did we miss somthing." Vince starts laughing.

"Mani how are you feeling?" Lisa asks walking towards me.

"I'm ok. We should start heading back to our hotel I'm sure Tamara is going to be looking for us." I stand up turning away from Nikki.

"Alright we'll walk you girls down." Vince grabs a hold of Lisa's hand tugging her out of the room, while I walk around the bed to put on my heels.

"T- bone get out." Nikki glares at Tommy.

"Aww come on Sixx."

"Goodbye Tommy." I say putting on my heels.

I get up and turn around to face Nikki. He walks over towards me scratching his head. "So is it all good between us or am I gonna have to stop hoping?" He asks.

"The lyrics on the paper, who's that about?" I raise a brow. He turns back to look at the paper on the couch and turns back to me. "Turn to the right and you'll see." He says with a smirk.

I look over to the right and noticed my reflection staring right back at me. I was trying my best not to smile. Nikki certainly had a way with words and how to make a woman blush. But I wonder if that's a trick to get all the girls. I mean let's just face it. When I came backstage he had two girls on his arm. Not to mention he is dating another girl. I almost forgot about that. I turn back to face Nikki who is now right in front of my face.

"You didn't answer question princess?" He says with a low voice and tucks my hair behind my ear.

"I have to go Nikki." I smile and then walk out the door closing it behind me.

[altairs-smores]

Just a Dream

Aaaaaaaand I am back! With angst, of course. How I missed writing angst~ σ(≧ε≦ｏ)

‘The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. Zen wished it were merely a bad dream.’

[Also on Ao3]

Preview: The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. He was running towards his motorcycle, forcing his body to work with him, to stop trembling and to just listen to him. He ignored his manager’s request for him to take a cab or wait until their driver came, starting his ride and speeding his way towards the hospital. If Yvonne found out he rode without a helmet again, she’d be pissed. Zen had a hard grip on the handles, possibly violating every single traffic rule out there, but he didn’t care. He needed to see her. He needed to see with his own eyes that she was safe.

The news came like how the rain poured earlier without warning. He was running towards his motorcycle, forcing his body to work with him, to stop trembling and to just listen to him. He ignored his manager’s request for him to take a cab or wait until their driver came, starting his ride and speeding his way towards the hospital. If Yvonne found out he rode without a helmet again, she’d be pissed. Zen had a hard grip on the handles, possibly violating every single traffic rule out there, but he didn’t care. He needed to see her. He needed to see with his own eyes that she was safe.

Stumbling through the front doors of the hospital, the albino ignored the looks he was receiving and made a beeline towards the nurse’s desk. “Is… is there an Yvonne Li admitted here?” The nurse looked bewildered, stammering while looking through their database. “Y-yes, sir. She’s at the emergency room.” He left without another glance, apologizing to the people he bumped into and pointedly ignoring and telling fans he’s busy and couldn’t spare a bit of his time. His girlfriend was in danger, he didn’t have the time. Zen arrived at the emergency room, slumping down on one of the chairs. He tried to calm himself down, squeezing his eyes shut as he put his hands together in a prayer. Just yesterday, they were on a date at his secret place, his lovely girlfriend cooking them dinner and taking out the beer despite her love for wine.

He still remembered how warm she was in his arms, talking about their future as they counted the stars. The albino wanted to reach greater heights in the theatre world while the brunette wanted to join the SWAT team. He knew he couldn’t dissuade the woman no matter what he did, so he simply supported her and made her promise to come home safe. They talked about travelling around the world, not as ZEN and his faithful bodyguard, but just as Hyun Ryu and his future wife and mother of his kids, Yvonne Li. That sassy minx of his was unusually quiet and complacent in his arms when she’d usually be making a ruckus, talking about how she probably wouldn’t be a great mother since she lost hers at a young age and her aunts weren’t the nicest in the block.

“Do you think I’ll do well?” He remembered how scared hazel eyes peered at him, how slender fingers fiddled with the beer can, how she worriedly nibbled on her bottom lip. He remembered feeling warm, seeing his love seriously consider about them having a family. He still remember whispering how wonderful she was, that she’d be a great mother, and that he’d be with her every step of the way. Kisses were shared, which turned into caressing and breathless ‘I love you’s and somehow, Zen found himself staring at luscious curves and the devious smirk of his girlfriend atop him. He was like putty in her hands, helplessly making the sounds Yvonne wanted from him. She had always been in control of their love-making, the albino getting his chance was as rare as finding a four leaf clover. But he didn’t mind, he probably never will.

“Sir?” A voice pulled him out of his reverie, eyes focusing on the doctor in front of him. “Sir, are you a relative of the patient?” Zen shook his head, composing himself and just hoped for the best. “I’m her boyfriend. She… she doesn’t have a family.” It was a flurry after that. The doctor said they did everything they could, and now it all depended on the patient if she lived or not. Of course she’ll live, this was Yvonne they were talking about. Sassy, war freak, didn’t back down from any challenge and as spunky as a firework. He waited until they moved her to a private room, on the edge and barely able to sit down without fidgeting. What he saw broke his heart.

There she was, lying on the hospital bed, all battered and bandaged. Her left arm and leg were in casts, bandages on her head and neck, going down beneath the hospital gown. There was a bandage on the right side of her face, a cut on her lip, bandages on her right hand and just what happened to her? The albino pulled a chair and gently held the brunette’s hand, unable to stop the tears from flowing. He refused to believe this was all from an accident. She was careful, all the time. She might have come back with a lot of scars and bruises, but nothing worse. Every second he spent in there, waiting for Yvonne to wake up felt like forever. He fell asleep just like that, hands grasping hers and praying to the gods that she’d wake up soon.

A hand running through his hair pulled him from sleep, a sweet smile greeting him. “Your eyes are red.” She sounded so tired, it was breaking his heart. The albino held her hand, tears reforming in the corner of his eyes but he still tried to smile for her. “My eyes have always been red, babe.” Yvonne smiled and breathlessly said ‘ass,’ wincing a bit as speaking seemed to have brought her pain. Zen was immediately hovering over her, asking if she needed anything and that he’ll call the nurse.

“I’ll be fine,” she said, weakly grasping his hand. “I’m a big, tough girl. I’ll borrow your monster healing abilities and who knows? I’ll probably be up and about in 2-3 days.” They both knew she was lying, that she was far too weak, that not even Zen could recover that fast, but he indulged her. He didn’t say a word of retort and just smiled, holding her hand against his cheek. It felt so hard to breathe, like there was a lump in his throat that just won’t disappear. Still, he kept it all in. His lover was going to be fine. She was strong, stubborn, and she was the woman who kept butting heads with him. And she was looking at him with those tired hazel eyes, cementing his belief that she’ll be fine.

Zen woke up with a start, the beeping of the machine was the only thing heard in the room. It was 30 minutes past 3 in the morning, and Yvonne wasn’t showing any sign of waking up. A dream? He mentally beat himself over it, running a hand through his hair in frustration. What a cruel dream. He couldn’t escape the worry and hope even in his sleep. The albino caressed the hand he was clasping, heaving a sigh and took out a tiny box from his jacket. He had been meaning to pick up the brunette from work, bring her to a restaurant and finally pop the question – but this happened. Red eyes stared at the ring inside it, just a simple silver band with a small diamond. He wanted something grander, to show just how much she meant to her, but he knew Yvonne would kick his ass for ‘wasting’ money on that. She wasn’t the kind of woman who cared about jewelry after all. As long as it was something given from the bottom of the heart, she’ll treasure it – one of the things that made him fall deeper for her.

The actor took the ring and slipped it on her finger, admiring the way it looked. A perfect fit. This wasn’t how he planned it. This wasn’t where he wanted to ask her hand, but it was better than nothing. Yvonne Ryu. It sounded nice, sounded like a dream come true. “Yvonne Ryu.” He said, testing the name on his lips. “Sounds shitty.” He slowly turned to the woman, feeling his heart hammer in his chest as red eyes met hazel. The brunette held the gaze, her expression slowly softening as she smiled. “I like it.”

Zen couldn’t utter any words, his throat closing on him as though he was mute. Tears spilled from his eyes – from worry or relief, it didn’t matter. Because the love of his life was awake and smiling at him and reaching out to wipe his tears and he couldn’t help the sob that escaped him. “You’re awake. You’re awake, babe.” He said it, again and again as if it were a mantra. He could hear the woman chuckle weakly, her hand cold against his cheek.

“Who the fuck proposes to a sleeping person? I didn’t know you had that kink.” Expect it from this woman to tease at a time like this, even when her voice was weak and breaking and she looked on the verge of passing out. The actor laughed, shaking his head at his ridiculous lover, and made a motion to leave the room to call the nurse. He was stopped by a tug on his hand, Yvonne shaking her head while mouthing ‘later.’ Zen sat once again and watched his lover, the beeping of the machine the only noise in the comfortable silence of the room.

“Say it again?” Came the whispered request. The albino complied, whispering ‘Yvonne Ryu’ over and over again, as many times as his girlfriend wished. It warmed his heart to know that she wanted this too, that she wanted a future with him. Yet, each passing minute, the brunette looked weaker, her hand losing what little warmth it had.

“Yvonne.” Zen could feel panic rise. Her pulse was weakening, the machine showing more flat lines. He hit the emergency button in the room, praying to the gods for her to be saved. Hazel eyes were slowly closing and yet, she held her smile. Even in her fight with death, she looked like an angel.

“Sounds like a dream… Hyun.”

The line flattened and he was left crying out her name.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 29.06.17 lb

plain text version here. 

ouff more time waste in repeat of yesterday’s last 5 min. 😒😒😒

those sunglasses are hella tacky, my man. 😬😬😬

Awareness™ . AWARENESS™!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAS BITCH! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

fuck i love this song so much. the lyrics man. the lyrics. for once, the song selection is so fuckingggggg perfect, and i am cryyyyyying. 😭😭😭😭

um is this the “anika/chanda/mahi/ranveer’s home” set that’s been converted into the dargah too???? jesus. this structure gives multipurpose a whole new definition. 😐😐😐

parallels to qubool hai first episode! 😊😊😊

(except he didn’t see her face, like asad saw zoya’s.)

“yehi ishq di marzi hai, yehi rab di marzi hai.” 😭😭😭😭

i gotta say the cinematography and composition of this scene is really beautiful. one of the best in this show, ever. EVER. 😍😍😍

he can’t help but get up and follow. he is physically drawn to her, against his will and all reason. my heartttttt. my fucking heart. 😭😭😭

not sure if i like surbhi’s new nose pin. 😕😕😕

fuck, you guys... meri saansein ruk rahi hai. 😧😧😧😥😥😥

who the f said that? that too, to anika, who as it is obvious, is NOT the bride? 🙄🙄🙄

ohhhhhhhh boy. oh broooo. just shush. just make your lovestruck puppy eyes. don’t open your mouth. 😣😣😣

“tum jaisi ladki”, yeah ok fuck you too. 😑😑😑

oh now suddenly lot of pyaar for mummeh and her vishesh tippani. 🙄🙄🙄

yeaaaaaaaaah girl, call him out, fuck him upppppp. 😆😆😆

FARAQQQQQQQQQQ!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

who made this baba the class monitor? they’re OUTSIDE the dargah. aap apna dekho na. 😒😒😒

“hum baatein nahi kar rahein, hum JHAGDA kar rahein hai.”

lmao, reminds me of my fav scene from the jungle track “SADAK KE BEECHO BEECH HI TOH JHAGDA HO RAHA HAI!!!!!!!!” 😂😂😂

ok this baba is way too chatty. 😒😒😒

lmaooooooooo anika updating nosy baba on their relationship status. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

oh childrennnnnnnnnn. you stubborn idiottttts. you love each other so much. 😌😌😌

my poor dazed boy. 😞😞😞

oh thank the lord, chanda is back. i thought anika would actually have to get engaged to chanda’s fiance. 😕😕😕

oh wow. quick and sensible resolution to the amit problem. chanda seems to be a whiz at conflict resolution. chanda, please to be mediating between these two idiots as well? 😌😌😌

i don’t get why khanna, shivaay’s HEAD OF SECURITY does these manager/assistant type duties? no wonder the security is so damn lax. the scope of his job is waaay too vast. how much can ONE man be expected to do???? 😑😑😑

also, whaaaaaaaaat, how could samar POSSIBLYYYY have gotten the deallll when shivaay went through the super effective and legal route of BURNING THE PAPERS?????? 😯😯😯

lmao, deal hua nahi, sign bhi lag gaya site pe. samar works fast. 😏😏😏

LMAO AND WE’RE BACK AT THE EXACT SAME LOCATION OF DARGAH. MAN, AT LEAST TRYYYY TO MAKE THE LOCATIONS LOOK DIFFERENT. 😂😂😂

aaaaaaaand shivaay’s tacky prada sunnies just went flying into the next dimension. 😐😐😐

i don’t understand why baseball bats are so prevelent in the ib universe. this is india. like... cricket bat nahi, toh hockey stick sahi. chalo kuch nahi, toh badminton racquet. yeh baseball bat kaun rakhta hai? 🤔🤔🤔

LMAO HE’S STANDING ON TOP OF THE CAR AND PONTIFICATING. SO FUCKING EXTRA. 😂😂😂😂😂

like, the chawl ppl really don’t give a shit about WHO owns the land? they probably don’t know who the fuck samarjeet malhotra even is. give him your bs “message” yourself. 🙄🙄🙄

sup rudra??? 😚😚😚

kya din aaa gaye. pehle shivaay ko phone aata hai rudra ko jail se chudaane ke liye. now rudra gets the call coz bhaiyya is out there wrecking havoc like taz from the looney tunes cartoons. 😂😂😂

ok seriously, he’s willingly handing himself in? this man has truly lost it. 😐😐😐

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO. SHIVAAY, WHO UNTIL TODAY HAS COMPLETELY ABUSED THE “SYSTEM” BY THREATENING AND PULLING ALL THE STRINGS HE HAS TO DEBASE THE CITY’S POLICE AT EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY HE’S GOTTEN, IS GIVING LECTURE ON “YEHI PROBLEM HAI IS DESH KE SYSTEM KI”. OK BOY. OK. 🙄🙄🙄 

i can’t stop laughing at him literally CHILLING IN JAIL. what a fucking idiot. 😆😆😆

“humne sir ko lockup mein nahi daala. YEH KHUD HI ZABARDASTI GHUS GAYE.” 

OMFG I LET OUT A CACKLE SO FUCKING LOUD (IT’S PAST 2 AM WHERE I AM) THAT MY CAT WOKE UP AND IS NOW GLARING AT ME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

lmao oh god i can’t even. shivaaaay, oh you adorable fucking idiot. 😅😅😅

this is what happens when you ppl don’t give the man a moment of peace in his own damn house. he’s willing to spend the night in jail to get ten minutes of silence. 😕😕😕

ok, i fully relate with his expressionless, lying-on-the-floor, depression fugue. been there, bro. 😪😪😪 

OMG. 😧😧😧

omgggggggggggg i loveeeeeeeeee itttttttttttt. he’s not alone! omRu will always be with him. always. 😭😭😭😭😭

ok i’m legit crying from the happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m just so glad that shivaay’s depressed ass still keeps omRu (and Gauri) close to his heart, and he isn’t pushing them away. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WEIRD SHIRT ANIKA IS WEARING?? 😟😟😟

advay ki entry kal hai kya? 🤔🤔🤔

ALSO YAAAAAS QUEEN, YOU TAKE THAT GHARRRRR!!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[srtringbean]

First Love Pt.5

AAAAAAAAND I’M BACK!!! Yes hello I finally finished this part after so long rip me. I had loads of school work but I will be working on part 6 and a new series as well.

part 1  part 2  part 3  part 4  part 5 prev  part 5  part 6 

Warning: mention of rape, fluff and smut to the point where I hate myself for being able to write this rip me

word count: 4.1k

It’s been six years since you’ve had your heart broken, it’s been six years since you let someone in, six years ago you lost all forms of trust, six years ago you were a fourteen year old thinking you were in love, six years ago…

You weren’t really in love.

Namjoon had an idea of what had happened to you six years ago but only waited for you to tell him when you felt like you were ready. It bothered him how somebody could throw you away like you were a worthless piece of trash, you were so delicate and needed to be taken care of properly. Time was to heal all wounds but time did nothing but make you fear love even more healing nothing. He loved you so much and you didn’t know how you felt, it felt like shit not knowing what it was you wanted. Did you want to sleep with him only? Did you see a future? Could you actually possibly fall in love with him? Yes last night was something else and you admitted something to him but now laying down in bed with the sheets draped over your bare bodies, you didn’t know what you wanted anymore. Everything just felt blank, empty, there was nothing and that scared you.

Slowly you tried to climb out of bed trying not to wake him up- though he could probably sleep through an earthquake, you slipped on his shirt that was off to the side. He loved wearing really long shirts and you were pretty thankful for that since every dress was like a shirt to you- being taller than most women wasn’t fun sometimes. Making your way to the bathroom you washed up your face then headed to the kitchen to make some tea. Looking at the clock it was only 7am giving you the day off. The pot started to scream notifying you the water was ready and you went to get your favorite oregano mint tea.

By the time you got back he was still sleeping so you went outside in the balcony. The city slowly starting to wake up and the air being crisp and fresh. Days like this were days that you enjoyed the most, your mind emptied but you continued to ponder about here and there. You don’t regret moving, leaving was easier that you thought and starting your life here and achieving your goal never felt so good. There was just something inside that made you feel incomplete and you were too scared to touch it.

Namjoon woke up to an empty spot and was scared you could’ve left even though it was your apartment so it wouldn’t make sense to. Feeling the cool air he saw your figure standing outside with a sigh of relief escaping him. Trying to stay quiet he put on a pair of sweats that you’d keep on the left in the drawer and a shirt on. Before stepping out he heard you humming to yourself and stopped to listen. Never has he heard you sing and he couldn’t help but smile at your soft yet mature voice. It was a perfect fit for you surprising him more by the day with some new hidden talent.

Quietly walking towards you his strong arms wrapping around your small figure startled you. He love the way you smelled, a mixture of fresh roses on a spring day laced with vanilla. “How long have you been awake?” he whispered resting his chin on your shoulder.

“Not that long, I didn’t want to wake you.” You said looking ahead of you. Silence took over after he hummed in response leaving you in each others embrace for a few minutes.

“I was fourteen when it happened…” you started, “My first year in highschool back at home.”

“Hmm?” The statement caught him off guard deciding to listen continuing to rest his chin on your shoulder.

“Before I moved on to start high school I asked him how he felt about me, at the time I didn’t see it but he didn’t feel the same way but he agreed to date me so we became a couple.” It was the first time in a long time you’ve told anyone the whole situation of your “first love” and Namjoon deserved to know.

“Y/n you don’t have to t-”

“No, I want you to know. You deserve to know.” So he just listened and let you continue.

“The second day he already claimed that he loved me and it felt odd hearing those words from someone that wasn’t my family or close friends so, I told him that I loved him too. Slowly my friends turned their backs on me and teachers gave up on me because of him and all I ended up knowing was just him. My parents found out over the summer and were angry I didn’t tell them but I didn’t blame them, he was eighteen.” Namjoon couldn’t help but rub small circles on your stomach while holding you tighter to comfort you. He knew it was something that damaged you so much and admired how much you’ve grown from it.

“At some point he tried going further and I couldn’t say no while he-” you swallowed the small lump forming, “ Tried touching me. Of course I said I wasn’t ready and he said okay but a few months later he continued to try and I just couldn’t say no. None of my friends warned me about his aggressive behavior so when he lashed out I apologized for his wrong doings Every. Single. Time. I never saw that side of him so I was too scared to say no to him then, that day happened.”

The way you said that day was laced with venom and Namjoon knew what you were going to tell him, he never blamed you for being angry about that since it was a memory that nobody would think lightly of. You didn’t know there were tears forming until you felt the cool air against your wet cheek releasing a shaky breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“I don’t remember it since I’ve blocked it out of my memory so it’s just bits and pieces but I know we were hanging out at his place, we were kissing and next thing I know he was hovering over me and I felt pain. I even think I remember saying no but it’s all just a blur to me, and since then I was too scared and made excuses just so I wouldn’t get hurt Joon. Even now I’m too scared because he was a friend too and that ended, I cherish my friendships so much I hurt so much if they end but I refuse to show weakness. God even ignoring you hurt like hell but I hate being weak, I hate showing vulnerability. He hurt me so much where it won’t leave me ever, my family never understood or tried so I’ve had enough and just left. It’s been almost a year now and this is the most comfort and happiness I’ve ever felt in my 20 years of living. I know I can love someone again even though it’ll take me time but I know it. It’ll go away in time Joon, I trust you but I’m scared of messing things up.”

Talking about something this sensitive became easier through the years but to really tell someone you cared about how you felt about it was harder for you. Namjoon knew why you were the way you were but what he didn’t know was how painful that must’ve been for you to go through that all alone. Of course he was far from being around or even a thought in your life but knowing this part of you hurt him. The love that was nothing but a scam from the start screwed you over so hard the fact that you let six years of your life go by refusing to date was just shocking. That’s how bad you were hurt, six years worth of building your guard up until now.

“Y/n…” He didn’t know what to say, this was you. You were raw, naked and full of emotion letting him in. Instead of trying to advise you he unwrapped his arms to turn you around and face him. Telling him took off so much weight off your shoulders and helped ease the tightness in your chest. No matter what, that pain would never leave but helping it heal with a few scars left behind was the next big step for you. He stitched you back up again within the year of knowing him picking up the broken pieces and restoring them as best as he could leaving nothing behind.

“Hey,” he lifted your chin so you’d look at him, “ thank you. It happened too long ago for me to advise you but thank you for always keeping your head up. If anything I’m proud of you for putting up with that pain but making stories out of it. I don’t expect you to rush into things even though last night was rushing big time but let me help you. I want to be there for you, let me take care of you. If you’re angry tell me, if you’re sad cry on my shoulder, if you’re happy let’s do something, I want to be here for you.”

“Joon what if something bad happens? What if we stop being friends? I don’t think I c-”

“Y/n..”

“I’m serious Joon like I don’t want to fuck things up like wh-”

“Hey,” you stopped to see him chuckle, “It’s okay. I don’t expect anything that makes you uncomfortable from you but if you really want to try then we can try.”

“Okay.” There wasn’t anything else you could say as the words were knocked out of you. Before you know it he closed the gap between you pressing his warm soft lips on yours. Just like the first time he kissed you, you felt your nerves set off sparks running through your body feeling euphoric. The amount of gentleness when he cupped your cheek sending you to cloud nine, naturally your arms snaked around his neck bringing him closer to you. Shortly after, the kiss was hungrier and needier with his arms wrapping around you tightening to bring you closer to his body. Memories of last night flooded your mind with every touch leaving a trail of fire behind though this would be considered rushing neither of you were complaining as your body language gave your answers. His disheveled hair from last night was as soft as ever though he really needs to stop dying his hair.

He held you so close eventually lifting you up wrapping your legs around his waist walking you to your bed once again. You stared into his soft coffee brown eyes admiring how beautiful of a person he was. How did you become fortunate to find someone like him? Who knows but all you knew was that this was worth trying and you wanted to make things work. His hands gently caressing your soft skin outlining your features from your eyes, nose, lips, you were exquisite.

“You’re so gorgeous,” he kissed your forehead, “so so beautiful,” then he kissed your nose, “don’t forget than okay?” Finally he placed his lips against yours oh so softly. It was like he knew how to say the right things to get you to give in and relax around him so easily. The way his hands roamed every part of your body never leaving an area untouched. Sparks were flying in your body his touch was irresistible you couldn’t get enough, you wanted more. His lips leaving purple flowers on your skin marking you as his, the feeling had you giving in and submitting to him so easily.

“Joon~” you whimpered when he sucked right under your ear gripping his full hair tighter. With your breath caught in your lungs your body was feeling alive by the second and he hasn’t even done much but pepper kisses and give you hickeys. You can already feel yourself getting wetter and when his hand roamed to cup your breast you couldn’t help but arch into his touch. Nobody was able or has ever been able to make you feel this good in so long, this felt even better than last night just with a touch.

“Y/n, let me take care of you,” he said lifting his head up to look at you, “Let me show you how much I care.” All you could do was nod at him unable to look away from him.  Slowly he started to peel off your clothing drinking in you bare body, how you hips were wide and your waist being smaller, the natural curve of your breasts and your chest rising up and down slightly. His eyes were full of lust and his stare was diving you shivers down your spine. He started to kiss you again but with a little more aggression swiping his tongue asking for access in which you happily gave him sighing into each other. It was slow just like he said and you weren't impatient or feeling a need to rush. As he took your hand to intertwine his fingers with yours, he started to lead his open kisses down your body to your breasts giving each of your hard buds the attention they needed leaving you in pure bliss. Your soft moans started to fill the room sending waves of pleasure to his ears and his groin.

It boosted his ego tenfold knowing it was him making you feel this good. You, everything he could ask for you gave to him even if he didn’t ask. That’s why he fell for you so quickly, even when you were completely oblivious to his feelings for you he didn’t care because as long as it was you, then he was okay. When you finally confessed last night everything in his world just stopped, he couldn’t believe it and his body reacting faster than his mind you guys ended up in your bed relishing each other's touch ending in pure bliss. While leaving a trail of kisses down your body your scent was driving him crazy and just before he made it all the way down, he looked up at your face and smiled at how much you were enjoying this.

You weren’t going to lie, as slow as he was going you’ve never felt this alive in your life ever and when he licked a long strip from your already wet folds you gripped onto the sheets for dear life. How was he this good at making you feel like you were on cloud nine? Who knows, but you wished this wouldn’t end.

“So sweet,” he kissed your inner thigh, “So beautiful.” He said before savoring you like he just bought the most expensive dessert he’ll ever have. It didn’t take long before you grabbed his hair from the feeling also gripping the sheets so hard you thought they’d just rip. Normally you weren’t the vocal one during sex but damn Namjoon had you being the most vocal person you didn’t know you’d feel this amazing. Slowly teasing your entrance he inserted a finger pumping in and out of you looking for that sweet spot that had you seeing white stars.

“F-fuck Joon,” you gasped for air, “I’m getting there.” He just hummed in response and just that simple thing has your walls clenching then reaching your high. You let out a soft cry arching your back gripping onto his hair from over stimulation. He continued to thrust his finger in you riding out your high until your body was shaking begging him to stop, in which he did. Kissing his way up your body his lips found yours and you could taste yourself on him. He nestled between your legs with his erection grinding against your inner thigh and you knew he needed relief.

“Namjoon just fuck me already please.” Hearing you say that had him borderline fucked at this point and the lust in his eyes proved that. In a matter of seconds he took of his shirt showing his glowing tan skin and took off the sweats he was wearing. Holy crap he was just- damn. It was impossible not to drool over him, his well built body that was always hidden under the baggy clothes he’d wear, and his girth that was already leaking with precum made you want him to just ram into you. He went back to kissing you moaning into your mouth, continuously grinding against your inner thigh that was really close to your core the feeling had you hissing. You wanted him, and you wanted him now.

“You ready?” He looked into your eyes aligning his member into your entrance while you nodded biting your bottom lip. As he pushed himself in, he rest his head in the crook of your neck and you both let out sighs. The feeling of your walls hugging him was just too much it took every ounce of his to not come undone but as for you, him stretching you out and filling you up in all the right ways, your walls naturally tightened.

“Fuck y/n don’t do that.” He nipped at your earlobe and all you could do was moan his name.

“I wish but it feels so good oh god.” You managed to choke out. Then he started to slowly thrust into you at a painfully slow pace. The room being filled with each others moans and grunts dancing back and forth between the walls. While he he continued to mark your neck, your hands held onto his shoulders as he started to pick up the pace nails digging into his back you were sure there would be marks. Hips to hips, chest to chest, your bodies were molded for each others and every thrust sent you even further into cloud nine. It didn’t take long for him to hit that sweet spot making you cry in pleasure screaming his name his vision started to go fuzzy. Hearing you say his name over and over again just made him go even faster he listed one of your legs changing the angle going further into you.

“Shit y/n.” He bit down on you neck grunting louder he wondered how he was able to last this long. You always having certain kinks, you started to bite down on his neck leaving a few marks as well but it probably wasn’t a good idea since he started to thrust as a fast pace knocking the air out of your lungs.

“God keep going Joon please~” You half cried and half panted. The room being filled with the sound of skin slapping against skin and incoherent moans of each other's names, your walls started to clench again the more he hit the spot that made you cry in pleasure. Feeling him twitch inside you he started saying your name like it was the only name in his dictionary he was close. The faster and harder he thrusted the closer you were until finally you came for the second time and bit into his neck trying not to be so loud the whole apartment complex would hear you. Shortly after it took three more big thrusts before releasing his seed inside of you with his forehead against yours and his mouth agape. His face scrunched up at the amount of pleasure going through him he looked like a god finally letting his body go limp.

“God damn,” you tried catching your breath, “that was-”

“Something else.” He finished. Both laughing, Namjoon stayed on top of you while you stroked his sweaty hair out of his face. Pulling out he got up to go to the bathroom and clean himself and come back to clean you up as well. Looking at your naked body glowing after sex was like winning an Oscar Award, breathtaking.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He lightly chuckled at you pouting.

“Well other than the fact that I can’t feel my legs and I had two orgasms in the span of an hour and a half or so I think I’m in need of some assistance.”

“Touche.” With that he helped you up taking you to the bathroom to fully wash up. As much as you hated being carried you let him carry you back to bed and putting clothes on your body. Only being Sunday you were glad you had the day off although you were going to go and finish some final edits. A good thirty to forty minutes passed and namjoon finished showering putting on something comfortable to lounge in all day. Comfortable in bed snuggled up in each other's arms your phone went off and you picked it up without checking who it was. “He-”

“Y/N HAVE YOU HEARD FROM NAMJOON? IS HE OKAY? HE WAS LIKE SO UPSET YESTERDAY AND LEFT AND WE HAVEN’T HE-”

“Oppa…”

“HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM HE SEEMED SO U-”

“Oppa h-”

“PLEASE TELL ME Y-”

“JIN OPPA CALM DOWN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” The line went silent and forgetting that Namjoon was next to you he was startled by your sudden outburst. You rubbed your temples and sighed deeply.

“He’s here next to me,” and before Jin could say anything you cut him off, “AND yes we did talk.”

The older one sighed in relief before speaking up, “Oh thank goodness he had us worried. The least he could is call us back.”

“Hyung I am alive don’t worry. Why are you calling?” You hit him in the chest giving him the look of really? He just smiled and brushed it off.

“Yah~ we’re here worried and you don’t call? Well Yuri came over and was looking for you but never mind I’ll call her and tell her that you two talked things out I hope.”

“Oh we did more than just t-” You jumped from your spot to cover his mouth.

“AAAAND we’reokaybyeJinoppaseeyoutomorrowbye~!” With Namjoon under you and your hands covering his mouth you gave him the glare of a lifetime.

“Really Joon? Really?” He just shrugged his shoulders taking your hand off his mouth.

“What it’s true.” You let your head fall on his chest sighing knowing it was true. He just laughed at your defeat but rubbed your back.

“I wonder how I haven’t killed you yet sometimes.” You groaned into his chest.

“I don’t even know how I haven’t ended up dead either.” With that you both just stayed in bed all day watching tv on your computer and ordered delivery since you didn’t want to risk a Namjoon burning your entire apartment complex down. You felt at ease for once but there was still a part of you holding back. If you were being honest, you’ve already crossed that line with him and now that you were more than friends, you had absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Everything you’ve ever worked for just became empty and now becoming a blank page. The odd feeling of being with someone now hit you like a ton truck, you were clueless.

The next morning you woke him up early so the both of you would get ready for another long day of work. You made him a coffee while you drank a cup of tea then heading out to the building. It felt odd being next to him knowing what happened between you two in just two days. Arriving at the building you saw Yuri about to walk in when she spotted the both of you and made her way towards you. For some reason she seemed upset but you didn’t ask what happened.

“Unnie, hey.” She didn’t say anything but weakly smile.

“Joon can I borrow her for a moment?” He was lost but nodded and hugged you goodbye then went inside.

“Y/n did you guys talk thing out? Are you guys okay now?” Confused by her questions you just nodded and said yes.

“Y/n,” she looked really upset at this point.

“Yuri what happened?”

“We uh got a call from the states and,” she seemed to struggle, “Y/n something happened with your visa and you have by the end of this month to go back home. We’re trying to figure out what happened and get you to stay but, we don’t know Bang PDnim is working on it trust me.”

Everything in time froze and you couldn’t move, this happened every. Single. Time. You had to go back home and to make it worse, you had just started patching things up with Namjoon.

[cafephan]

the danny situation/explaining my hatred of april 1st

okay here’s a post i never thought i’d be typing up. i can count on one hand with fingers to spare, how many people know this story, and none of them are family members or anyone i have any form of contact with anymore. yet here i am sharing it with the internet, but i feel like i need to articulate it and note it down somewhere rather than still trying to repress it even years later when it’s clearly not working and recently it keeps coming to haunt me more than ever

just a pre-warning some of you are going to think i’m pathetic for this still affecting me and will think it’s no big deal and it’s not worth posting about but i think it’s important for myself to finally just write it all down, judge me if you want i’ve gotten enough of it before

so, i’m wildly unattractive, i don’t feel as if i have to prove that to anyone. and if highschool movies have taught us anything about the typical ugly girl, what is it? that they always end up crushing on the cute guy (obviously this is a cliche movie trope and doesn’t apply to real life except it did to me, very much so). 

i considered changing his name for the purpose of this, but no like what’s the point. his name was danny and he was in my form group for the duration of the five years of secondary school, meaning we saw each other every day. he was also in my maths group (shout out to other people in set three, forever average) and little old me just used to fawn over him and not so subtly stare at him the entire time. though, having no friends, nobody was there to call me out on it, which looking back is both a blessing and a curse. 

like i said, i’m wildly unattractive now, so take a moment to imagine me in 2008. puppy fat aplenty, the chubbiest cheeks you ever did see and resting bitch face (which still hasn’t left me). i was a mess. but i saw danny as some kind of god - which he definitely wasn’t, i hate myself for ever thinking that lmao - and though i was always terrified to try and strike up conversation, it never stopped me smiling whenever he looked my way (we were only one person apart in the register too which helped in assemblies) and the odd times he did the polite thing and smiled back i would practically melt on the spot. 

the not so subtle crushing continued for four years, which takes us to our second-to-last year of secondary school. for some reason i had been forced to do a resistant materials gcse because i was apparently in ‘the cream of the crop’ in my year group throughout the past years’ DT (design and technology) classes, and still to this day i have no fucking idea why they put me in there because all i did was use the sanding machine. but anyway, DT god danny was also on the course, and he noticed me struggling with literally every part of it that wasn’t done on computers and took to helping me with little tasks alongside his own projects and unsurprisingly i was internally screaming because oh my god our hands just brushed on the desk vice and other cringeworthy shit like that which i’ve probably used in an early fic or two. there’s nothing more really to note on that year just remember that he started being nice then. another thing worth saying is that this is the year i started to wear a bit of makeup and when i came to maths class one day with pale eyeshadow on, he said that he didn’t like it and so i never wore it again (you should never change yourself for anyone, if something makes you feel good then you keep doing it okay, you dont need anyone else’s validation, i just wish younger kirsten knew and believed that)

the year after is where things happen so it’s late february 2013, and i came home from my grandparents’ house to find a new message in my facebook inbox. without being dramatic because this literally happened, i swear my breath caught in my throat because danny had just messaged me saying ‘hey babe’ i remember it distinctly, and i squealed into a pillow. i replied immediately, then flopped back on my bed wondering why this had happened, there’s never been anything appealing about me either in appearance or personality, so the reason why was a mystery, but i was so wrapped up in being completely head over heels heart eyes i didn’t really give it a second thought, because he replied a second or two later with another pet name.

these casual messages with petnames continued all through march and stupidly i started saying petnames back (which in itself is a reason to repress this whole thing), and on march 31st we were chatting and suddenly he says ‘can we skype tomorrow?’ and i literally cried, i was so happy. i’d heard girls in school talking about skyping with boys and a small very petty part of me wanted to be one of them and i felt as if i just might have the chance. obviously i said yes and we both logged off.

aaaaaaaand around rolls april 1st. the lovely lovely holiday of april fools day. what a fucking delight. 

i’m sure you can see where this is going, right?

so i dressed up nice and waited for the skype call to come through, and when it does i desperately try to calm myself down, and look to the ground and take deep breaths. my blood ran cold when i heard multiple boys’ laughter coming from the other end of the call. there were six of them, including danny.

without even addressing i was there (obviously they knew i was there) they started reading out the messages that it turns out they had been taking turns to send to me from his account, and put on a really high pitched voice reading my responses. 

(sidenote: i’m genuinely crying right now as i write this i’m sorry if there’s any typos from now on my vision’s gone blurry)

when they finally finished - i don’t know why i didn’t end the fucking call myself, i was just frozen out of fear and embarrassment and mortification i guess - they all burst into laughter, danny laughing probably the loudest. i was crying, and i opened my mouth to say something, but i was crying too heavily. this caused them to laugh louder, and one of them said “and even now she can’t fucking say anything, freak.” they laugh again and one of danny’s friends leaned in close to the webcam. “did you honestly think he liked you?” he asked, and i stupidly nodded, because at some point i’d let myself believe it, again because i had no friends to tell me how stupid and dodgy the whole thing was. 

then his friend went back and danny himself leaned in close. “april fools” he said with a horrible grin and blew a kiss to the webcam before the call ended, and i. fucking. lost. it. 

still to this day, i don’t think i ever cried that much. i had panic attack after panic attack, i didn’t get any sleep, and nothing could calm me down. it still holds the top spot of worst night of my life, and trust me it’s had many many challengers for that title since.

the next day, because i shut myself off from the internet that night, i woke up to three new facebook messages. from three of his friends who were on the call with him. ‘happy april fools, sweetheart’ one of them said, ‘i can’t believe you thought you had any chance with him lol nice try darling’ said another, and the final read ‘just kill yourself already. babe’. all petnames ‘danny’ used at one point.

so that is the reason i beg you all to not send any form of prank on april fools day to me. because it brings back the memory of that. every april 1st i cry myself to sleep, and though i know you all mean well, any involvement with that holiday, no matter how small, sets me off. 

this incident is the reason i couldn’t accept compliments in the early days, long time followers will remember, i’m sure. this incident is the reason i’ve not been able to have crushes on anyone. i’ve never let myself because in the back of my mind i’m always worrying things will turn out the same way. if i start to feel anything for anyone i back away and leave them alone completely. this incident is the reason i struggle to form friendships. tied in with the bullying and the fact i had no friends to teach me what friendship was, naturally.

in case you were wondering, danny’s engaged now, he’s happy. i think i saw on facebook they’re trying for a baby. which is good for them, but i can’t help but feel like it’s not fair. he’s off playing happy families and living life whilst i’m still here suffering from a stupid fucking prank when he knew full well i was crushing on him.

it was only three years ago, so i suppose it’s understandable, and i’m in a much better place with myself now than i was which helps, but it’s something that’s really etched itself into my brain and is still affecting me to a certain degree. i feel like now i’ve typed it all up, i might be able to sleep easy, it does feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. plus, i think i’ve made allusions to this story before various times but none of you pried about it which i really appreciate, you’re all so incredibly lovely and i can’t thank you enough.

so there’s the danny story and the reason i hate april fools’ day.

if you read this far, then thank you, and if you think i’m overreacting still, you’re more than entitled to your opinion, i’ve been judged on many things before and what’s one more to add to the list by this point. 

i love you all very much and hope you have a great rest of your day and i’m sorry if this dampened anyone’s mood in any way. i hope this has given you a little more insight to me, i don’t know why it would’ve but who knows. sorry.

xx