#aND SHE has the audacity to fucking say 'oh why dont u tell me anything' in such a pissed off way

[echotzzz]

“Elain should stop being annoying and accept Lucien already”

umm okay since when woman rejected or disliked a man… annoying??

Do Acotar fandom understand what it means to accept a mating bond??

It means you will bind yourself to that other person FOREVER. Be it your soul, body everything. He is yours and you are his. Like they cant get divorce or start a new life w someone else if that fail. This is not a simple bf/gf thing like this is a big deal, very permenant and forever once u accept. Its completely fine if you two ALREADY FALLEN IN LOVE and the mating bond is there to seal the deal. Like that’s romantic

But for Elain that never was the case. She has NO FEELINGS for Lucien. Her heart belongs to Graysan when her mating bond was revealed. And when she start to move on from him she develop feelings for Azriel along the process.

Like cant yall understand why she couldnt just “accept” Lucien.

“But she should give Lucien a chance”

this mentality or mind set really falls down to the mating bond and how the majority of the fandom sees the mating bond only from Lucien’s pov. Yeah he’s hurting not denying that and its sucks for him. But cant people sees this from Elain’s pov as well??

The place she came from there is no mating bond. She turned fae against her will and suddenly said to be some Fae’s mate whom she doesnt know anything about and whom she sees as the one who “betrayed her family” whether he’s guilty or not, but In her mind Lucien literally allied with the bad people that kidnapped her. Do you think Elain will ready to fall in love w him?? or attempts to open her heart for him??Like lets be real no bs if you’re in Elain postion will you see Lucien as this trustworthy, safe, worthy of her love kind of guy? I need people to be serious here coz Elain reaction to lucien made perfectly sense to me I dont know why people are so mad!! the first reaction of Elain to him were: “She cringed away from the coat, from him” .

Her being wary around him made sense to me and some people even went further to said Elain’s racist or a snob needs to bffr. Yall insane.

People would say it will be like feysand coz they also start in a bad place coz rhys is the ‘villain’ in book 1 but Feyre first word abt rhys was he’s the most beautiful man she ever seen. Theres ATTRACTION. AND HATE. which is good coz when there’s hate there’s PASSION and that could lead to FEELINGS.

and believe it or not Elain and Lucien did try spent time w e/o. Remember that tea time and in acofas?

And theyre being so polite to each other too. Elain is indifferent towards him. There is just awkwardness. Both Elain and Lucien has no interest in bridging the gap. Both cannot stand in e/o presence in a room more than 2 min (Lucien’s word not mine). Visiting Elain is not always in Lucien’s agenda when he’s in the night court. And thats canon per Acofas & Acosf. They’re just not into each other. You cannot tell me the reason Lucien even look at Elain is not because of the mating bond. Attraction and feelings cannot be forced full stop.

“Elain need to learn how to cope coz mating bond is her culture now”

She started gaining control of her life. Which readers expect that of her right?? to have a backbone? to be the narrator of her own FATE? RIGHT????

so why is it so shocking and oh so horrible for Elain to not want her mating bond? We see previous MCs rebel and protest to fight for their story but why drew a line for elain?

we accept her character development to be this independant woman who would not be coddled, some even want her to leave the Night Court to find her true self.

We want all the above for her EXCEPT her control over her love life. When it comes down to the person she should love, kiss and fuck, In that terms Elain should submit to the bond and just shut up??????

“Oh no how dare she reject her mate!! how dare she liked Azriel and not her mate!! the audacity, she’s so blind to his kindness, the jacket, the gloves, the pearl he gave her!! how dare she be so annoying and hurts his feeling. Elain GET IT TOGETHER HOE!!!%*\”

Cant yall see how irony this is?? What happened to attraction and feelings? Does that should be thrown out of the window?

Why is it a rocket science for Elain to actually like Azriel?? This fandom worship Azriel and want him to fuck them in their dreams (im not making this up). Why its ok for the readers to be attracted to Az but not Elain??

Its not rocket science its just this fandom already has this mindset about the mating bond and the perks of having a mate. Feysand and Nessian are what successful mate couple look like.

But we shouldnt be naive enough to believe that ALL MATING BOND ARE HEALTHY

Theres a lot of unhealthy mating bond mentioned briefly such as tamlin’s and Rhysand’s parents and a couple more from the Creacent City series.

Rhys said the mating bond is not a perfect system.

You can feel bad for Lucien. Thats fair. And it sucks to know that male has stronger mate instinct than the female. But what yall cant do is to put the blame on Elain. Both Elain and Lucien are the victim of the mating bond. The fault belong to the Mating Bond system and the Society that urge male to covet their female mate and have whatever it takes to make the bond work.

Wouldnt his fan wants him to find his own person who loves him for who he is? Thats literally what Lucien craves for. Acceptance. Atp Elain’s body language and reaction showed that she’s anything but accept him. And truly I dont see that will change anytime soon. SJM has spent 4 books and not any point we see Elain beginning to change her mind. Acosf literally showed that.

“If Elain will not end up with Lucien then why haven’t she properly reject him yet?”

This is not real life. Yeah!!! Elain’s happened to be a book character. And in books there are storytelling aspects and huge plot reveal. You cannot expect a huge moment in a character’s arc be done in any other people pov?

Like why people really want the news of Elain finally rejecting Lucien be in Nesta’s pov? Wheres the fun in that?? it didnt make any sense. Obv SJM is waiting for it to be in ELAIN’S BOOK whenever that will come out. So cant yall just wait?? Like pls just think for a sec.

“Elain doesnt deserve Lucien”

okayyyyyy…is that a dig at Elain? Coz like I said Lucien deserve someone who wants him for him and thats not Elain and vice versa.

“they should end up together coz they are mates”

Im sorry but mating bond will NEVER be the ultimate factor to fall in love with someone or SJM’s reason for her characters endgame. And certainly not for Elain who will marry for love. For all of grayson fault, Elain did truly loved him once.

Feyre doesnt love Rhys bcoz of the bond, but bcoz of love she agreed to bond w him.

…..

So to end this long post I would remind people that this is a romance story. Where the end game will be two people in love. So ATTRACTION and FEELINGS plays a huge role for the build up.

Also I highly think Lucien or the mating bond are not what Elain hates the most. I think she hate the fact that she has no say in this. That her choice are being taken away. And everyone around her expecting her to just accept the bond.

I genuinely dont have anything against people that actually ship elucien for their aesthetic and really hope for their endgame. Some people want Elain & Lucien to break the mating bond together to free themsleves of the fate that control their choices and along the way get to know e/o and developing feelings and so on. See!! this is a good story which doesnt diminish anyone’s character arc and certainly allow all characters to have a choice. “I love u for who u are and not because of the bond” Like with SJM masterful writing that could be pretty lit.

With that being said, I really side eyed and hate those who treat Elain as the devil incarnate for refusing Lucien and called her “shallow, dumb, indecisive, selfish” follow with “she will see her mistake, she will beg forgiveness, she will realise that she’s so blind to the-” oh no no no

Her feelings are valid. Refusing Lucien has been put as one of her flaws or why she should be hated is SO CRAZY to me. Yall dont want people to coddles her or treat her like a child so then…pls start accepting her words as it is. Dont try to twist it or double it down. If she says she’s part of the night court, then she’s part of the night court. If she says she doesnt owe Lucien anything, that means she doesnt owe him shit.

[ctpatown]

moms  a piece of shit

[pacifymebby]

Peaky Blinders Headcannons

Your Ex Returns To Start Trouble

So this was originally an anon request in my inbox, but then it disappeared from my inbox before i could answer it. I hope this is what you wanted anon, i couldnt remember exactly how u worded the request.

Swear the little pictures i use for these get stupider every time.

Tommy

🌿Isnt worried about you going back to them but he is pissed off at the audacity of the young man whose just walked up to you as if hes expecting you to fall straight at his feet

🌿Holds himself back at first, for your sake. He doesnt want to embarrass you by causing a scene at this party. Not when you're dressed up so beautifully, you look classy, like a real sophisticated young lady...

🌿He was watching the encounter from the other side of the room but when he sees your ex approach you, he cuts across the room to your side as if its a race to you.

🌿 "Everything alright angel?" he comes to stand behind you, one hand taking yours. The other holding his drink. He keeps your back pressed against his chest. Holding you very close, very possessive.

🌿You can't see the look hes giving your ex but your ex has just paled. Its the "This is my girl and you're lucky i havent taken your eyes just for looking at her..." look

🌿 You like how possesive Tommys being, you lean back against him, enjoying how safe you feel with him standing with you.

🌿He won't say anything to warn the lad away, the look in his eyes and the fact that hes Tommy Fucking Shelby, should be enough.

🌿"Everythings fine Tommy, i was just telling (your ex's name) about the donation we're making to the local school..." youve given Tommy the name on purpose, letting him know that its your ex... As if he didnt already know. Because your ex isn't the nicest lad and he makes you unconfortable.

🌿"Oh aye, we're going to build them a new gym..." hes making polite conversation but he can't wait to cut in and take you away from him, "now if you don't mind i need to borrow my wife for a moment, dont worry she won't be long..." but youre not his wife and hes going to keep you away from your ex for the rest of the evening. Lets the rest of the peaky boys so know who he is and instructs them to make sure youre not left on your own for the rest of the night.

🌿For the most psrt he'll be the one standing with you, dancing with you, keeping his hands on you at all time so that you know hes there, that youre safe, that youre his.

🌿If that look wasn't enough to deter the prick whose got his eyes on you Tommy will probably approach him later, after the party, they'll have a "quiet word" man to man and well, honestly, I'd be surprised if you ever see your ex again

🌿He wouldnt kill him... Just scare him away, for good.... Unless the stupid bastards feeling brave

🌿If the stupid bastards feeling brave he might end up dead.

🌿Also, if Tommy knows your ex didn't treat you good, if he knows he hurt you in any way at all, he won't be so civil. From the get go there will be threats. The second he sees the man enter the room.

🌿Your ex won't get a chance to speak to you, before he can even get close to you Tommy will have cut in, made no attempt to hide his hatred.

🌿"No, fuckin no..." He'll have grabbed him by the collar, dragged your ex out into the corridor, or maybe even outside into the street, shoved him up against the wall, completely merciless.

🌿"You think I'm a generous man mr (your ex's last name), is that what you've heard? You think I'm generous eh?" "If you can give me one single reason why i shouldn't cut you just for setting foot in the same fuckin city as my girl, i might consider letting you go..."

🌿 His brothers will have come outside to see what the fuss is and if they know who your ex is and what hes done in the past they'll all delight in fucking with him, messing him up.

🌿If they dont kill him, you certainly won't be hearing from him again.

🌿Tommy will be gentle with you inside the party, he'll come back to check that you're alright and reassure you that your ex won't be back.

🌿 "Never have to worry about him again angel, thats a promise..."

🌿Then later, riled up and feeling extra territorial and possesive he'll take you kind of rough, it'll be loving and intense, but rough.

🌿"Whose girl are you y/n?" "Yours Tommy, only yours," "only mine, good girl,"

Alfie

🐻 You being somewhat younger and him being well, an old, injured man with less stamina than he would once have had in his youth, Alfie might feel a little threatened by the sudden presence of your ex boyfriend.

🐻 You haven't been with many men and actually Alfie is the only one you've ever slept with, so hes concerned you might find yourself wondering what ifs...

🐻 But lets face it, hes got eyes and ears all over Camden Town and he probably knows about your ex being back before you do.

🐻 So what he does is this... He invites your ex boyfriend to visit him in his office, he offers him some bread, is overly hospitable... Your ex doesnt really know who he is or what hes walking into, but he gets a drunk with Alfie in his office and then after a little while of Alfie doing small talk and telling him stories Alfie stops.

🐻 He puts his glass down and the atmosphere changes immediately...

🐻 "Lets get down to business then, enough small talk right, cause somethin ive heard about you yeah treacle... Is that you..." pointing at him across the table with a mean glint in his eyes, "you, are a bit of a cunt..."

🐻 Alfie knows this boy didnt treat you good in the past and actually hes always wished he could teach the selfish bastard a lesson... One about respecting women.

🐻 "See me and you yeah we have somethin in common? Me and you, yeah, we have a mutual... Lets call her a friend yeah, me and you we have a mutual friend, pretty funny that aint it... An old man like me, and a little fuckin boy like you having a mutual friend, yeah i think thats pretty fuckin funny treacle, dont you?"

🐻 Your ex is getting more and more nervous by the second, hes starting to worry hes gotten himself in trouble here, what once appeared to be a friendly business man trying to sell his bread on the street, now appears to be a slightly unhinged, angry potentially violent man...

🐻 "You remember y/n do you? And be careful right treacle be very fuckin careful yeah because if I hear you say her name... If i even think youre about to say her fuckin name... Ive got a gun in my drawer right and i will fuckin kill you yeah, i will, I'll shoot you in the head and all your brains or what little of them youve got anyway, will go splattering up that wall and you know what, it'll make an absolutely horrible mess right... And the smell... The fuckin smell... Course treacle you wont need to worry about the smell will you, you wont have a fuckin nose... "

🐻Alfies going to give him one big speech about how you ought to treat women and then what hes going to do, is reach into his drawer and offer your ex a deal or death.

🐻" My offer to you treacle, and i think its a generous one right, you tell me if you dont think it is but i think you'll probably agree with me yeah cause i really am being very generous," "my offer is this right, you can keep your brains and your nose and your pretty blue eyes treacle and you can fuck off yeah, out of this city, maybe i dont know, maybe go to fuckin wales or somethin i dont know, go join the sheepshaggers in the valleys yeah? But you don't ever set foot in this city ever again... Thats it thats the deal alright? Fuck off, or you die, pretty simple pretty generous i reckon you'll agree..."

🐻 Your ex takes the deal, alfie thinks hes a fucking coward, but your ex takes the deal.

🐻"Oh and one more thing right treacle," just as your ex is about to leave, "if my little girl ever fancies holidaying in Wales yeah, taking a little stroll through those green, green fucking valleys... Well, you'll have to pull your knob out them fuckin sheep and find some other shithole to hide in alright,"

🐻Your ex is trembling, clearly petrified and utterly convinced he's about to die...

🐻 But Alfie isnt a generous man. Hes a jealous one and before he lets your ex go he shoots him in the leg three times.

🐻 Just in case he ever thinks about trying to fuck other pretty girls like you.

🐻"Oh sorry mate sorry, i must have slipped musnt i,"

🐻 When he goes home to you that evening hes brought you flowers and hes feeling extra romantic and soft. "Come here ziskeit, come sit in your old mans lap and tell him how much you love him... Promise you'll never leave him yeah, ever..."

Arthur

🍂 Idk bestie you might want to try holding your man back

🍂 He's going to be jealous, full of hatred, violent...

🍂 Doesnt really matter whether your ex was a bad guy or not... Only really matters that hes your ex and hes back and arthur fucking hates him.

🍂 Makes it worse that your ex has walked right into the betting shop about to place his bets when he sees you and shoots you a wink.

🍂 "y/n love its been awhile, what're you doin in here? Surely a pretty girl like you can do a bit better than a shithole like this?" neither of you had noticed Arthur until he speaks, one hand on your ex's shoulder. He seems calm for a brief second.

🍂 "watch where youre callin a shithole mate?"

🍂 Your ex turns around slowly to come face to face with a man he wishes he didny recognise. He knows Arthur, everyone in small heath knows arthur.

🍂 "S... Sorry mr Shelby..." he starts but the problem is Arthur had been looking for a reason to smack him since he first saw him walk in...

🍂 "Arthur love he aint worth it, just kick him out of the and be done with it?" you ask knowing that's not whats going to happen... Maybe you are a little scared for your ex?

🍂 When your ex puts two and two together and realises that Arthur is your new man, well he knows he's fucked. He turns to you, tries to plead but that just gives you the ick?

🍂 "Oh grow up (your ex's name), youre a man arent ye?" you turn your back on him then, ignore his cries for help as Arthur and John drag him out of the shop.

🍂 Arthur doesnt kill him but only because his brothers manage to stop him. Hes all fired up though and he wont be calming down any time soon...

🍂 Unless you go to him that is...

🍂 You slip away from your desk and go to him in the street. You see the blood left by your ex and you see the blood on Arthur...

🍂 "Arthur my love come now, lets take you home and get you washed yeah?" you say as you run your hands through his hair.

🍂Hes doing that heavy breathing and when you hug him, combing your fingers through his hair you can hear his heart beat going a million miles an hour.

🍂 So you take him home and you run him a bath and you strip slowly before climbing in with him. You massage him, wrap your legs around him from behind and let your hands soap his body intimately. Then you take his cock in your hand and begin to jerk him slowly, teasing him, kissing all over his neck, humming to him

🍂 Youre calming him down but youre getting him all worked up too.

🍂 You're talking to him in a low, soft voice, telling him how much you love him, how you only have eyes for you, how youre his girl, his woman, telling him you want to make him feel good.

🍂 "good girl, fuckin my girl y/n my fuckin girl," "I'm all yours arthur shelby, all yours..."

🍂 Riding his cock in the bath, splashing water everywhere, him taking all his anger, jealousy and adrenaline out on you.

🍂 And yeah, you don't hear from your ex again but you find out through a friend that he packed up and left town... Once he got out of hospital that is.

John

🌼 Too confident that you love him and that there isnt anyone better than him, to ever feel jealous or to worry that you might go back to your ex

🌼 "If he wants to humiliate himself let him humiliate himself,"

🌼 Enjoys watching you reject your ex in public, at the Garrisson when he tries to make a pass at you.

🌼 "I've moved on, got myself a real man..." "Oh yeah who?"

🌼 Thats when John will make an appearance, he'll probably walk right up to you and kiss you deeply, hands on your arse squeezing you close to him right in front of your ex. Who just has to stand there and accept it... They're embarrassed thats for sure...

🌼 "Oh sorry mate are you a friend of y/n's, I'm John, John Shelby..." Johns grinning like a teenage boy, delighting in humiliating this poor lad.

🌼 But this poor lad cheated on you once and thats why you ended things with him, so you dont feel bad for it and John isnt going to feel guilty.

🌼 He will steer you away from the lad without letting you say goodbye, probably lifting you up off your feet and carrying you away, taking you to a back room for a quickie...

🌼 Just because he can, and because he wants that lad to know exactly whats going on. Hes going to mess you up, your hair will be a mess, your lipstick a little smudged, he might even leave a love bite and then hes gonna pat you on the bum and send you back out into the bar so that your ex can see youre freshly fucked.

🌼 Hes more interested in showering you with love and affection than he is fucking up your ex. But if your ex was particularly horrible to you then John might send Isaiah after him to give him a scare.

🌼 He'll be too busy with you though to be wanting to waste time kicking the lads head in. He'll be feeling possessive, wont be able to keep his hands off you all night.

🌼 But if your ex doesnt take the hint and clear off, if john happens to see him lingering around a few days later, he might just snap

🌼 Because he doesnt like him and he'll be pissed to see that your ex hasn't taken the fucking hint.

🌼 "Do you really need telling twice eh? You gonna keep your fuckin distance or am i gonna have to take your fuckin eyes?"

🌼 He hadn't seen the point in getting violent, completely confident that there was no greater pain he could cause your ex than the pain of knowing that you had moved on, that you were fucking a Peaky Blinder and you were being completely satisfied...

🌼 But if your ex isn't careful he's going to find out that John Shelby can live up to his violent reputation. That he also has a tendency to outdo himself every time too.

🌼If he finds out after the fact from you that your ex was much worse than he first realised, if you open up to him about how your ex hit you or hurt you in anyway... A switch will flip in his head

🌼 He'll hunt the lad back down. "Realised i wasn't actually fuckin finished with you mate," if your ex hurt you John will kill him no questions asked. No one gets away with hurting his flower.

🌼 When he comes back to you he'll be sweet and loving and well, still possesive.

🌼 "Y/N flower come here, come here right now..." he'll hokd your face in his hands, have you standing as close to him as he can get you, "i fuckin love you alright, i love you so fuckin much and i promise you... No slimy fuckin bastard like that, is ever getting his hands on you again alright, no ones gonna hurt you,"

🌼 He'll be more territorial around you i public too, he'll make sure everyone knows that youre his. He'll hold your hand, have his arm around you. He struggles to keep his hands off you at the best of times anyway but it will be much worse (better) after this whole affair.

🌼 Will come home with flowers and expensive gifts for you...

🌼 "Whats the matter john, he remind you you might still have competition or somet?"

🌼 "Nah love, not worried about that, know youre my flower... Just wanted to make sure you know it..." "I treasure you just as much today as i did the first day i met you and every day since..."

Bonnie

🍀 Bonnie doesn't have any exes. Youre the only person he's ever had eyes for, ever since you were both wee and so

🍀 When another family joins yours and his travelling through the midland countryside... And that family happens to be your ex's family... Which puts you and your ex in close proximity again

🍀Bonnie is a little unhappy with that.

🍀He's not insecure, he knows youre his girl and honestly, he knows hes a better catch than your ex...

🍀Hes going to be the most famous boxer in the world... Hes going to give you the whole world one day... Obviously hes a better catch than some Buckland lad you never even slept with..

🍀But he still feels possessive of you, still feels protective. Especially when your ex is being a little bit too familiar with you at the camp. When Bonnie sees your ex putting a blanket around your shoulder and sitting next to you by the fire, bringing your bowl of stew to you so you dont habe to get up... It pisses Bonnie off because he feels like the lads crossing some kind of line.

🍀 But he tries to keep the peace for your sake. His dad reminds him that they may only be around a week or so... But Bonnies getting more annoyed by the day.

🍀 He does stuff to mark his territory, slips under your blanket with you when youre sitting by the fire, kisses you on the cheek on the forehead whenever he sees you.

☘️ Holds your hand at every opportunity. Lets you fall asleep on him by the fire, takes you away from the camp on long long walks so he can get you alone.

🍀 "Know you don't like him Bon... And just so you know i don't like him either... Wish he was gone twice as mucn as you do believe me..." one night you feel guilty, feel like youre keeping secrets from him so you decide to open up and tell him about why you really broke up with your ex.

🍀 "Not a nice lad really Bon, used to get dead jealous like, said me and you were too close but that was when me and you were just friends right... This one time, and it really was just one time i promise... This one time he got so mad when we were arguing about it that he..." Bonnies listening to you carefully, trying to control his emotions cause he doesn't want to upset you when he can already see youre getting upset. When you trail off he swallows a lump in his throat, he actually think he knows what youre going to say before you say it...

🍀 "You remember when i fell out of that tree?" "You came back to us with that great big bruise on your cheek and blood in your hair..." "Didnt fall out of no tree Bon..." you say with a sad smile.

🍀 Before he does anything else he throws his arms around you and pulls you into the tightest bear hug, holds your head to his chest and closes his whole embrace around you protectively, hes veru quiet, concentrating on his breathing, his hearts racing but he knows he can't get angry now... Not when his dove needs comforting.

🍀"Dove you shoulda told me sweetheart, wouldn't have let him anywhere near you if I'd known," "Wish you'd told us when it was had happened, little cunt would have..."

🍀"Bonnie please don't, it was only once, he never did it again..." "Once is once too many little dove, men don't hit women, it ain't right..."

🍀 But when he can see youre getting upset he forces himself to calm down, kisses your temple, your hair, your forehead, kisses your nose and your eyes, is so soft and gentle with you.

🍀"If you don't want me to hit him i won't hit him alright, promise..." "thanks Bonnie," "but I'm also promising you this alright, youre not gonna have to talk to him ever again, not gonna let him anywhere near you, you stay close to me for the rest of the week an i won't leave you alone at all..."

🍀And he doesnt, he stays by your side the whole time, holding your hand, holding your waist, flirting with you whenever he can, doing his best to make you laugh and smile. When youre trying to hang washing up or get on with work he's trying to distract you.

🍀And your ex is frustrated to see it. He never liked Bonnie Gold, probably because he always knew deep down that it was Bonnie your heart belonged to, even if back then you didnt know it. He's getting jealous and maybe even a little angry.

🍀But he doesnt do anything cause he knows Bonnies the best fighter, probably in the whole country? And hes a bit of a coward.

🍀So instead of challenging Bonnie, he starts making snide comments about you. Just little things, cruel things. "So i was right then was I... You and Bonnie, always fuckin said it would happen..." youre doing your best to ignore him, and you dont tell bonnie about whats been said because you know it would only cause trouble.

🍀But then this lad gets himself into trouble, calls you "whore" and Bonnie overhears him.

🍀 "What did you fuckin say?" Bonnie stands up immediately, he knows he promised he wouldnt hit the lad for what was in the past but he's not going to let him get away with bullying you now.

🍀Theres tension, the lad debates whether or not to repeat himself. He backs down but Bonnie isnt about to let him get away with being a coward and a bully... So he grabs him by his braces, lifts him a little off his feet and gets right in his face.. He is a peaky boy after all..

🍀 "You're lucky i made a promise not to fuckin hit you dinlow, but if you ever speak to my girl ever again i wont just fuckin hit you alright?"

🍀He keeps his promise to you, doesnt hurt the lad. And when he returns to your side hes so loving and kind. "Come here little dove, are you alright, don't let him upset you eh, youre my girl now flower, youre so fucking loved."

Isaiah

🐀 First things fucking first, if this ex happens to be someone who hurt you in the past, Isaiah will take his eyes, he shouldnt, but he will. He'll do it without even thinking about it, right there in the street.

🐀For all that hes cocky and over confident on the outside he is a little threatened when your ex turns up.

🐀The guys pretty good looking and Isaiah knows that the two of you were fucking.

🐀When he sees you talking to your ex at the bar he gets mad, he comes over to you immediately but he doesnt say anything. Just presses his body against yours and slips his fingers into the waistband of your skirt.

🐀The actions subtle enough that no one else notices but you do. He hooks his fingers under the waistband of your panties and tugs them up just a little causing them to rub against you.

🐀The action shocks you enough that you start to choke on your drink... Which was Isaiahs intention all along. The minute you start to cough he tucks you away under his arm.

🐀"Alright sweetheart, looks like someones had too much, its alright I've got you girl, ive got you..." patting your back making a scene of stealing you away from your ex and taking you home.

🐀"What was all that about?" you ask innocently, you genuinely dont understand what he was doing... But Isaiah just holds your hand tight and drags you home.

🐀"You playing games with me girl? You forget who you belong to eh?" "Ohhh," you realise giggling when you understand what's going on, "and did you bring me home to remind me who i belong to yeah? You jealous?"

🐀"No, im not fuckin jealous, you just seemed pretty fuckin forgetful is all... Thought id do you a favour, bring you home before you could get yourself in trouble..." "And am i in trouble?" You're being provocative, trying to get yourself into trouble because Isaiah is even better at fucking you when he's a little angry.

🐀Youre in the mood for it rough and posessive and so you push his buttons taking little digs at his ego until he bends you over the dresser, makes you look at yourself in the mirror...

🐀Makes you watch him fucking you from behind, holds you by the hair so he can keep your head up.

🐀"Look at that pretty girl there eh, who does she belong to y/n? Tell me who she fucking belongs to?" you shake your head and refuse trying to tip him over the edge so that he'll fuck you really animalistic and hard.

🐀By the time hes done with you youre exhausted but hes all fired up. He leaves you in bed, tells you to wait there until he comes back, maybe even ties you to the bed frame if he feels its safe to leave you alone like that.

🐀He goes out to hunt your ex man down, he's feeling riled up and in the mood for a fight. Can't believe the cunt had the audacity to flirt with you... He gets the lads involved, Finn and Michael, and they find the lad back at the bar.

🐀Hes drunk now, hes already forgotten who Isaiah is and when he reminds him the stupid boy laughs and shakes his head.

🐀"Nah, no way y/n would go with you mate you must be having a laugh..."

🐀"Oh yeah, whys that mate?"

🐀"Fuckin look at you eh, ugly fuckin bastard..."

🐀But thats as far as he gets before Isaiah starts kicking into him, one boot to the groin has the lad keeled over and choking, but the boys arent going to show him any mercy. They kick and punch and beat him right against the bar.

🐀The other punters clear out, knowing how this fights going to end... They know these Peaky Boys won't stand for being insulted in their own bar...

🐀Doesn't kill him, shoots him in the cock.

🐀"Doin you a favour really, world doesnt need an ugly bastard like you brining babies into the world... Doing the whole world a favour stopping you fuckin..."

🐀When he returns to you hes fired up and high with the adrenaline that hes ready to go with you again, but this time hes more intense about it, not so rough and fast. This time hes going to take the time to make you cum for him over and over again.

🐀Makes you watch yourself in the mirror as he fingers you and makes you cum, tells you to keep your eyes open.

🐀"See love, see how fuckin good i am to you, see how much you fuckin love the things i do for you... No one else is gonna treat you this good, fuckin no one..."

🐀Won't let you rest until youre totally out of your mind with pleasure barely able to get your words out when he asks you who loves you, who makes you feel good, who do you belong to?

🐀Will buy you an expensive locket with his initials engraved into it that he tells you to wear all the time. Just in case you forget who you belong to again.

Michael

☘️When John Lennon wrote jealous guy... Just kidding but no really...

☘️Michaels so jealous, he actually tries to pretend that you were a virgin before you met him, that youd never been with another man before him

☘️So when your ex turns up and starts ruining his little fantasy, his presence in town remindkng Michael every day that you had a life before you met him... He can't stand it.

☘️When he realises your ex is in town he basically keeps you shut up inside. He doesnt want that man to see you or get the opportunity to speak to you

☘️This pisses you off, naturally, so you sneak out, youre being reckless, and you know what could happen if you get caught, but you do it anyway just to show Michael he cant control you...

☘️You go to visit your ex, you do it publicly so that people can see, so that peaky men see you go into your ex's house.

☘️You don't do anything with him, you just make a 10 minute call, long enough for tea and a quick catch up or long enough for a quick catch up

☘️ When you leave you go out to a bar which is where Michael eventually finds you. Youre in trouble but not as much trouble as your ex.

☘️Before Michael came to pick you up from the bar he made a quick house call. He didnt make it a long one. Long enough to shoot a man dead or scare him out of town...

☘️He didnt want to labour over it, better to just get rid of the bastard and then return to you.

☘️Hes takes you straight home but your telling off begins the second he gets you in the back of that cab.

☘️"The fuck do you think youre playing at love?" hes going to teach you a thing or two about defying your man.

☘️When he gets you home he makes you strip, makes you lie over his lap, arse in the air so that he can spank you until youve tears in your eyes and youre saying sorry over and over again.

☘️But after that hes going to lift you up, take you up to bed, be ever so tender and sweet to you...

☘️ "I know its sore sweetheart, Im sorry love but i had to teach you a lesson eh? You disobey me, you have to learn don't you, you know the rules..." "But its alright now love, Michael forgives you eh, know youre my sweet girl, wouldnt dream of going off with other men..."

☘️ "Im yours and only yours Michael," "Im your girl no one elses, im sorry, we never did nothing..." "I know sweetheart, know youre a good girl really..."

☘️ Hes going to be gentle with you, touching you, kissing you, smothering you with love, he'll tease you and edge you for the rest of the evening, showing you hes the best man for you, that only he knows how to bring you this much pleasure.

☘️ If you want to cum hes going to make you recite your wedding vows to him, no mistakes... Thats the only way he'll let you cum.

☘️Alternatively...

☘️ Say your ex was a lying, cheating, abusive cunt who had abandoned you, hurt you, left you up shit creek without a paddle and fucked you over...

☘️ Then Michaels a bitter man with a very strong moral code (one he applies liberally to say the least)

☘️ Hes been waiting for the day your ex dares show his face around town again...

☘️ He takes Isaiah, Bonnie and Finn with him, tells them all the ways in which your ex was a good for nothing, not worth the air he breathes, piece of shit, about all the horrid things he did to you, and they are all in agreement that he needs justice served to him.

☘️ Michael does all the talking when they find him, hes been drinking in a bar, flirting or harrassing local women. Some of them women that the lads are friends with...

☘️ Isaiah and Finn grab the lad by the arms, drag him out the bar into the street, Bonnie is behind him, pressing his knife to the lads throat, and Michael does all the talking.

☘️ "Heard you used to date my lovely y/n... Heard you used to hurt her, is that right? Don't bother lying to me lad, y/n's a good girl aint she, shes honest... Wouldnt lie about somet like that..."

☘️ "Make you feel like a man does it? Hittin women? Make you feel good?"

☘️ He'll hurt him, he'll really lay into him, show him no mercy. The boys will make him beg for his life but in the end Bonnie will slit his throat all the same and then they'll leave him for dead.

☘️"Evil bastards like that don't deserve to walk the same earth as girls like y/n"

☘️ He'll be so loving and gentle to you when he comes home. He won't tell you what hes done because he wont want to upset you, and he knows it will upset you.

☘️But he'll sleep easier knowing the bastard will never get to hurt his girl ever again

☘️And youll enjoy all the pretty new dresses and jewelery thst Michael will buy you because he feels lucky to have you and wants to treasure you.

[romchomp]

nana rewatch notes- episode 10

the funniest part about this is that nobu listens to hachi and is like ‘oh i see’ SEE WHAT?? WHAT SENSE DID YOU PULL FROM THAT?

-watching hachi and nobu interact for the first time when we already quite a bit about both of them is Very Fun.

-“i guess nana hasn’t told you anything.” okay so it’s fair to assume that nobu doesn’t mention ren (nor get into detail about him) out of respect for nana, but this is definitely combined with the fact that it is also a sensitive issue for nobu personally. nobu was hurt by ren’s betrayal as well.

- how many times will thinking abt women keep her up at night

-no bc why was hachi so excited about sharing a bed with nana

-girl it’s getting embarrassing

-what i really like about this episode is that we see some of hachi’s behaviors around crushes in the past now directed towards nana. she gets really invested in nana’s band to the point that she puts the majority of her time helping/thinking about nana’s future. granted, it feels a lot more sincere with nana. hachi doesn’t help nana because she thinks that’s what she should do but because it’s what she wants to do. she’s excited about nana’s dreams and wants to see her thrive!

-SLIGHTLY off topic but recurring conflicts for hachi throughout the story will always be: what she WANTS to do, what she SHOULD do, and what she THINKS she’s supposed to do

-hachi also says that she’s confident that nana will succeed bc she, herself, has had good luck since moving to tokyo. again her naivety is showing and she definitely lives in her own little world

-shoji is so fucking annoying “you’re the one being inconsiderate” and he has the AUDACITY to to tell her that HE’S the one always needing to adjust to HER. if you dont sit down…

-like he really does not acknowledge how hard hachi is trying….ever.

-obv neither are perfect in this relationship but shoji is SO unwilling to offer hachi any type of patience and is always annoyed with her over bullshit. like dude... why are you in this relationship if it’s such a burden to you?

-and it’s a complete slap in the face to hachi who is continuously trying to shapeshift for shoji and gets shut down every single time. no wonder she ditched ur ass the other night u fucking stink

-god he’s so fuckigng ugly im sorry i cant take it i have to rail on this man. maybe before he criticizes everything hachi does he should worry about his clapped character design

-also the moment that hachi finds something else to put her time+attention into (nana’s band), something that shoji has been telling her to do since they first started dating, SUDDENLY he feels like hachi isn’t giving him enough attention :’((( CRY ABOUT IT THEN

-in all fairness though, hachi DOES take shoji for granted. She wants him to make more time for her while also being hard to compromise with ((((in this specific regard)))) ie hachi makes it hard to compromise ONCE and shoji complains endlessly.

-godddd they just need to break up this shit is not working

-“do better than ren” FOAMING AT THE MOUTH

- i don’t think people give this show enough credit when it comes to the directing…it’s incredible

-i remember being SHOCKED the first time watching this when shoji cheated but now i’m wondering how that was even possible. like girl the build up was clear as day. this was inevitable.

-explain yourself

-hachi’s narration fucks me up

-“my feeling of looking up to you, it was quite a lot like falling in love.”

PROCEEDING: “i can honestly tell you now” which suggests that she has spent a lot of time thinking about her feelings for nana+building the courage to be open about them with nana

-“ i wasnt ready to grow up” this is interesting considering the context hachi is narrating this in. i’m honestly not sure what to draw from it, but it's definitely something to think about

-“yet within the reality of being expected to fend for myself, you always showed me the sweetest dreams” it's the way ai yazawa is a lyrical genius. no like this line….THIS LINE

-hachi is afraid of growing up- i think this particularly translates into a fear of independence (which i think hachi associates with loneliness). however, nana provides her confidence and reassurance in this process.

-hachi is afraid of NOT accepting help while nana is afraid of accepting help- thats what im taking away

-“It was like a love in it’s happiest moments” hachi...you keep saying that it’s “like a love” but i think with the amount of times you’ve said this...it's just love LMAO

previous episode

next episode

[littlx-songbxrd]

Ok I meant to answer you're question about what I thought of the show ages ago but I forgot.

I LOVED IT OMGGGG! I got so many kitty vibes from Wilhelm and Simon! The touching! The softness! It's those vibes exactly! I want that energy in TWP.

COMRADE SIMON!! We stan! That speech he made at the very beginning about the differences in attitudes towards "tax evasion" vs. "Welfare fraud." Legend behavior.

Sara!!!! My girl!!!!!! An autistic/adhd character PLAYED BY AN AUTISTIC ACTRESS!!!! THIS IS SO HUGE!!! I would die for my problematic queen. I made an entire post on her but the gist is, I get where she's coming from and understand why she feels the way she feels but dear God girl make better choices and stay the hell away from August.

Speaking of.... I wanna run August over several times. Vroom vroom motherfucker. The fact that he

- filmed MINORS HAVING SEX AND TGE POSTED IT ONLINE

-kissed Sara behind Felice's back when they were still dating WITHOUT HER CONSENT BTW

- Wanted to blame Simon for the drugs because he knew it would be easy because Simon's family is lower class and doesnt have the same social standing as one of the "members of the society"

- Also it didn't escape my notice that the cult like faternety type group with all the rich, mainly white boys is called The Society. This shows commentary on class is vv interesting. Especially the little things like two girls just randomly advocating for THE DEATH PENALTY. The rich people audacity.

-Anyways back to August, when he tried to excuse his actions with Wilhelm and get all teary like no bitch you can't manipulate your way out of this one. And again with Sara! When he said "Wilhelm has everything" I wanted to scream! Like he's fucking closeted and clearly suffering from panic attacks and extreme anxiety you moron.

-Anyways!! I also think that Wilhem might be autistic because he just feels autistic. Like the vibes are there.

- The girl group is so sweet? And to have the popular girl be a Black girl who isn't "stereotypically attractive" with a more medium sized body and bad acne. As someone who has really bad skin I needed that. Felice is kinda awesome imo.

Let me see what else??

-Simon and his mom speaking Spanish consistently throughout the show. It sounded pretty natural to me? But I'm not a native speaker. (Or even fluent honestly lol.)

- Simon and Wilhelm are honestly so adorable and in love and it made my heart ache. (I am so touch starved I swear..)

-My only main beef is the outing plotline and the show using an outdated medical term for Sara, aspergers. It's literally just autism. Also it's kind of offensive because Hans Asperger was a n*zi who literally killed autistic children because they weren't useful to capitalism. SOOOO yeah.

As for the outing plotline, I feel like the cishets have like three plotlines that they use for queer stories. Outing/coming out, one of them dies, or one if them bullies the other until they both fall in love. It's tired.

But overall I really loved it.

HI SORRY I HADNT REPLIED

I wanted to correctly talk to you about this series so I logged in through my computer to make it easier for me :D

LOOK AT THIS POINT IVE RELATED THEM TO LITERALLY EVERY COMFORT SHIP I HAVE LIKE. I've compared this to kitty, I've compared this to Thomastair, I've compared this to my friends to ocs who she has obsessed me with (youd actually like them if you liked this tbh) IVE COMPARED ME TO MY OCS

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I JUST LOVE THEM

IF KITTY DOESNT HAVE THIS ENERGY IN TWP WHAT WAS THE POINT

what was the point cc??

S I M O N

OH GOD WHEN HE SAID THAT I WENT OMG YEAH

new favorite character

Great

SHES PLAYED BY AN AUTISTIC ACTRESS?? Sorry I hadn't known! Haven't actually gotten to obsessively look at the cast I've been trying to get over the last episode BUT THATS SO COOL. SARA IS AMAZING AND I ADORE HER. I'll read your post after this! But of course STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM AUGUST GIRL PLEASE

Tbh I understood where she was coming from with everything with Simons image falling apart and her having to suffer when she had just started having friends , just after finding he had been lying to her. But love, AUGUST?

A U G U S T ???

WHO JUST FOUND OUT OUTED YOUR BROTHER

Also random and stealing this from @marzzinaa i totally hc Sara as a demi girl for some reason

Im kinda sad we didnt see her speak spanish as much we did simon :(

But oh well I LOVE HER AND YEAH STAY AWAY FROM AUGUST GOD

FAE WE RUN HIM OVER TOGETHER BROOM BROOM

You already said it all, I just agree

Ok I'll bring a machete you bring whatever you wish and we kill him sound good?

ALSO YEAH I TOTALLY NOTICED HOW THE ECONOMIC DINAMICS CAME INTO PLAY AND HOW IT BASICALLY LET YOU KNOW HOW THE PRIVILEGED ELITES COULD GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING

meanwhile they wanted to pass off to Simon who came from a lower class family the blame

Also I'd like to mention how that would also play into the stereotype latinos are all drug dealers

Which I love how they didnt make his dead beat alcoholic man the latino parent, when I first read the description I thought they might do that, but im so glad they didnt

I think it might have been a comentary idk i liked that they DIDNT make the poc parent the dead beat

THE FRIEND GROUP WAS SO COOL AND I LOVED ALL OF THEM AND YES FELICE WAS JUST <3

I love how they didnt make her stereotypically perfect AND YES MID SIZED REP WAS AMAZING TO SEE

Also im so glad you got to see that represented!!

So I am a native speaker and him talking to his mom MADE ME CRY

it was WONDERFUL I WANT MORE OF IT

pls most her phrases reminded me to my own mom

Autistic wilhelm you say?? omg tell me more (if you want)

Oh thats awful, well I'll just refer to Sara as autistic and hope the showrunners fix that next season because if they dont-

Yikes

Oh yeah, thats valid critisism. But in my opinion they actually wrote it pretty well so I wont really be complaining about an overall media problem with queer stories rn. If so I'll be here all day. But yeah its an overall problem but it wasnt done bad in my opinion so!

I'll shut up, for now

IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT FEEL FREE TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT WITH ME PLS ITS MY OBSESSION NOW IM GONNA BE ANNOYING ABOUT IT ALL MONTH

[fading-lace]

“goodbye”

[todoroki X female!reader] 

Warnings: swearing, angst, inevitable sadness, small suicide mention, small suicide themes

summary: it was time to tell him how you have really been feeling this last year, sadness, depression, anger, hatred, envy, alone, unloved, 

A/N: idk, i just got a random wave of angst so,,,here you go. :)

you were sitting at your kitchen table, crying your eyes out. why did it have to be like this? it was so unfair...

Shoto Todoroki, your ex boyfriend from a year ago. he broke up with you because he “lost feelings.” bullshit. he just used you to get to another girl, and you were stupid enough to fall into his trap. the media didn’t help either, with both of you being pro heroes...it didn’t take long for everyone to find out about your breakup.

and now here you were, crying and clutching onto a wedding invitation like you were choking the air out of it. he had the audacity to invite you to his wedding, full well knowing of your past relationship. none the less, you went to the wedding, You were gonna tell him how you have felt this past year.

making it to the wedding, you wanted to barf. seeing him already was sickening enough, what were you going to do when you saw his bride? reluctantly you stayed, mingling with old classmates and other pro heroes. 

“(Y-Y/N?)? is that you?” you herd a voice call you.

you turned around to see no other than your best friend, Tsuyu Asui. or better known as ‘The rainy season hero: froppy.’ you haven’t seen her ever since your breakup, you pretty much stopped seeing anyone after that day.

“t-tsu!! its so nice to see you again!!” you cheered while giving her a hug.

the girl smiled and hugged back before pulling away to fully see you again. “are you doing ok? you haven’t seen anyone of us ever since you broke up with Todoroki, ribbit” 

you sighed, inevitably knowing this was gonna be brought up. “i-ive been doing great actually!! i mean...about ten mental breakdown a week, but thats normal anyways...so, what about you?”

she stuck out her tongue slightly as she put a finger to her chin and looking away, making her seem like she was deep in thought. 

“everything has been pretty normal, nothing really exiting has happened yet..”

you nodded and hummed in agreement, i guess everything was doing fine without you, wonderful. what a perfect way to make you hate yourself even more.

your conversation with your friend was interrupted by Izuku, todoroki’s best man it looks like, telling us to take our seats for the wedding. i growled under my breath, not wanting this to happen. not one bit.

i took a seat next to Tsuyu and patently waited for the ceremony to start. everyone turned their heads to watch everyone walk in from the outside. first it was Izuku with Mina, Kirishima with Jirou, Denki with Uraraka, and Iida with Momo. everyone had similes on their faces, while you didn’t. you didn’t want to be here at all, 

but then the moment you dreaded came, she walked out, with her white dress and her beautiful hair down and curled up, her vial following behind her as her dad walked the bride down the aisle. everyone stood up, but you refused, you would not show respect to her. not. at. all.

she f i n a l l y reached todoroki as the priest began the ceremony, saying his things he asked the bride to say her vows. 

“Shoto Todoroki, i love you so much and i am so thankful to become a Todoroki. you make me feel so happy and you make me smile more than anyone can. i can’t wait to grow old with you, i want to be together forever, and maybe even start a family...i cant imagine what my life would be like without you, Shoto...” she said as she slipped his ring on his finger.

“i, Shoto Todoroki, love you so much also. i have had relationships in the past and i thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’t. you are the perfect one for me. i love you so much and i will be willing to sacrifice anything to make you happy, i love your smile, your laugh, your everything. i want to start a family with you. i want to grow old with you. and after today we can do that, i love you so, so, so, so much...” Todoroki spoke while also slipping on her ring.

damn those words h u r t to hear. ‘i have had relationships in the past and thought they were the perfect one. turns out they weren’’t’ 

 he directed that towards you, making everyone oblivious to your past and think he is just talking about high school crushes. what a douche bag.

 the priest looked into the crowd before saying, “speak now, or forever hold your peace!!”

well this was your time to shine, you stood up and walked out into the aisle so then you could be seen better.

“(Y-Y/N)? w-what are you doing?” todoroki asked, shock filled in his voice and eyes.

   “Shoto Todoroki, my ex. must be nice to be in love huh? you said you were in love with me, what happened? found another bitch to fuck instead?”

everyone gasped as todoroki took a protective stance in front of the girl.”(Y/N) what is this about?”

“what is this about? ha! its about you of course!!! silly you!!! apparently you can’t remember what you did to me that day, one year ago. you told me you lost feelings when literally the next day you started dating that spoiled brat. you failed to notice how i felt. you broke me, i graciously handed you my heart, my love, and you didn’t want it. instead you took a knife and stabbed it many, many, many times. you lied to me. you could of grown some fucking balls and could of asked her out. but nooooooooooo you had to be a back stabbing prick!! this past year i have been in my house, crying myself to sleep every night. contemplating suicide, falling into a even deeper depression, and even trying to commit suicide!!! i love you Shoto!!! i loved you so very very very much!!! and yet you still chose to fall for that fat ass bitch!!!”

everyone was speechless, nothing to say at your outburst. yes it was disrespectful, mean, and horrible. but you had to get your feelings out.

finally todoroki deiced to speak up. “you need to realize, its time to move on. maybe if you weren’t so obsessed with me and actually cleaned yourself up. maybe, just maybe someone would love you.”

this took you aback and made others gasp audibly. “you dont understand” i said with tears in my eyes. who the fuck does he think he is for telling me that no one was able to love me? 

“oh so i don’t understand now, what are you? a angsty teenager? get over yourself” 

that was the last straw.

“listen here jackass!!! i did everything i could in our relationship to make it last!!! you just used me!! you dont understand how i feel!!! i feel betrayed!! because i was!! maybe it was a mistake even having a crush on you!!! i should of ended my feelings before it escalated!!! i hate you todoroki!!! i hate you!!! i hope you die a slow, horrible, gruesome death!!! and then i will be dancing and spitting on your grave!!! how dare you disrespect me like that!!! how dare you disrespect a women!! go buy some fucking respect women juice because you clearly need it!!!! so stop acting like the spoiled, rich ass two-year old you are, and fucking realize what you did wrong and apologize!!!” you screamed

everyone looked at me like you was insane, maybe you were. who knows?

“get out.” was all he said.

“fine, goodbye bitches. good riddance!!” you said as you walked out. flipping them off with both hands.

you felt better getting that off of your chest. maybe you shouldn’t of done it at a wedding. but they both deserved the wedding crash.

A/N: idk how to end this...but yea...i was feeling really angsty and was just like “why not?” it probably is trash but whatever-  :p ;-;

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[bloomvroom]

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

________________________________________________________________

oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

________________________________________________________________

Kori is voted out 4-3.

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #8: “hoebi hears ALL things shady...” - Tobi

Ok I’m super excited because we finally got a challenge involving something I’m good at which is aesthetics. I fucking love moodboards and I really wanna win a challenge so I’m hoping I can win this.

So I am absolutely not creative at all so this challenge is gonna be a struggle for me so love that

So Wes was just voted out. Im neutural about it. Yes wes was a number, but it wouldve done too much drama to try and save him.  Im playing my game not his. He didnt do himself any favours.

This round my target is david. He seems like someone who isnt central to everyone. So therefore I think he would easier to get votes on. Plus scott has mentioned david annoys him. So im hoping that now i can managed to pull 2 people our way to vote our david.

people sure gettin feisty..

lets start off with missus dani and mr michael the obvious f2.. like bitch if ur gonna leak things i tell u dont make it obvious!! LAMFJHFG and now dani wants to flip the script on felix bc She Doesnt Want To Do What Shes Told. like gtfo :) ugh im sick of them both i wanna blindside them so bad..

and then i might get caught leakin if this shit gets out more.. hope the vote stays at felix vs david tho bc its bye bye david :)

uhm idk wha t more to say. im done with these mercia people..

Today... the tea... is absolutely STEAMING!! so initially the plan was for david to leave bc felix also wanted to blindside him... but scott's told michael who TOLD david about it and now david knows about it so the target is switched rn... Also more tea is that dani thought she was slick and told scott that she wanted to blindside felix along with scott, david, michael, some sweyn, and said ahrre would do whatever she said... what she said also insinuated that me, mo, and felix were on the bottom of our og tribe... guess she doesn't know that hoebi hears ALL things shady... looks like im flipping off of my og tribe for a 3rd org in a row ladies

im such a fucking  mess.... but thank god i have rhys/jones/ryan pickin up the pieces and we still blindsidin.. ALMFJBG

GOD I HOPE ITS DANI THO IM DESPERATE FOR HER TO GO. and i wanna show michael u dont fucking throw me utb n get away with it.. i may be inbred but im not completely dumb n i have the social bonds to stay aMJFHBG

im so dumb like i deserve nothing good after this.

pleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewinpleaseletmewin i w a n t t h i s

SO MUCH HAS BEEN GOING DOWN GUYS this tea is HOT SO since before the Wes vote, Felix, Mo, Tobi, Scooty, Ryan, Rhys and myself were planning on voting for David for the F11 vote - because he's a comp threat and seems pretty set on not flipping on OG Mercia BUT when Scooty was chit chatting with his Canute bff Michael, MICHAEL SPILLED THE BEANS and basically threw Scooty under the bus, so David found out about the plan! I had to play dumb when David asked me about it, and I told him I had no idea (and he totally fell for it >:3c), BUT Felix heard about it and went to Ryan and it became A [clap emoji] CLUSTER [clap emoji] FUCK [clap emoji x3] Scooty also got tea from Dani that she wants to flip the script on Felix with Scooty, me, David, Michael, and Ahrre (she said Ahrre would follow along with anything bc they're paranoid asf) - SO she basically layed out the Mercia tribe Dynamics and indirectly said that Mo, Felix, and Tobi were on the bottom. Which honestly we knew, but that works perfectly for us Sweyn ;) So after I cleared everything up with Felix that Scooty never spilled the beans to David and that Michael is a total snake, we were thinking about what to do next -And because David knows his name's been mentioned, we had to tread carefully. So then we thought,, why not use this paranoia to our advantage? We can make David feel like he's a target so they can possibly play an idol on him (which is a HUGE possibility) but in actuality,,, we're voting for Dani or Michael. It's pretty obvious to everyone that they're a really tight duo and it would be great if we could split them up now before they go far. Right now everyone would definitely prefer to vote Dani (and so would I) because apparently she's a possible comp threat, and also she's v messy so there's that. but if she possibly wins immunity then the vote's changing to Michael. As long as that duo breaks up then we're solid. BUT THAT'S THE TEA FOR NOW I'll try to make another confessional if my dumbass remembers to <3

So I didn’t win, which makes me sad but I did come in second place. Another good thing is that Jones won and I’m allies with Jones so I’m very happy about this. Overall I’m happy.

Hey ya boy is back now I'm gonna recap last week cause my flop ass forgot to do it as it happened. Basically I didn't win immunity which is good. Then I went take a poopoo and when I come back everyone is saying Wes, so hey guess I don't work this week, a nice change compared to the week jose went home.

As for Wes well he hadn't been the most active and I really didn't had a bond with him so that seemed as a convenient vote to me. Aparently he was also targetted cause he was one point away from winning immunity? idk how much of a factor that was but hey kids all the more of a reason to throw them early challenges.

Now talking about tribe lines I'm doing my job talking with the other guys and letting them know I'm willing to work with them. However I'm keeping my eyes on them, specially Scott who seemed to have charmed Michael and Dani in after having flipped on Malik. Add to that the connections he probably has with his OG tribe and make no mistake he could very well be in the best position in this game, which means I will probably have to take a shoot on him sooner or later.

Tobi could also be in a similar postion since the other guys saved him when they had a 4-1 tribe divition advantage, but idk how much was up to Tobi chatting them up instead of Madison being a liability, but I will also keep an eye in him.

Additionally Michael is def not fully in with the idea of staying og tribe strong, which is fair enough. But he also told me Felix told him last week he wanted david out next week, so that would basically be this week. So I'm gonna have to learn more about that, also I never knew who originally threw Wes's name out and no one seemed to know but something tells me Michael had something to do with that as well.

So all in all that's a bunch of stuff I'm gonna have to act upon while keeping a low profile, but hey lazy week was last week so it's not time to get confortable and sit around without doing anything.

sooo i came online today to some messiness lmao. apparently danielle/michael/david all found out about felix's plan, and michael went to Felix and basically threw Scott under the bus about it lmfao. and they want to pull in Ahrre + some Sweyns to flip it on Felix and uh.... yeah no afkdsf. i was able to get felix back on the right page and i think we're good to go him/Mo + Sweyns and blindside Danielle or Michael hehe, because felix thinks an idol could pop up or something idk

so the new plan is blindside miss dani.. thank god LMAOAOAA i been wantin her ass out forever and i wanna have michael stay shook bc if he thinks im gonna be loyal to him after this.. lmao

SHE SHOULDA JUST SAT THERE AND ATE HER FOOD INSTEAD OF SITTIN THERE SAYIN ‘OH I DONT WANNA DO WHAT IM TOLD’ LIKE BITCH. YES U WILL. OTHERWISE UR ASS IS GRASS. THANK U, NEXT.

Okay, so Jones won immunity. Great! Sweyn on the immunity train.

So David was the original plan. However scott went around trying to swing it to david to people who cant keep their gob shut. Michael went to tell David, and david has come full circle and started asking everyone if they had heard my name. So now The sweynians have tried to swing the vote on Dani. As its seen that her and Michael are a pair & Tobi finds Dani annoying.

So we are going to keep the facade that its still David and try to keep telling Michael its David etc and get votes on David. When in reality thats a big fat lie. And Dani should be getting votes.

So tonight the vote is very simple. To vote Ryan however the complication comes from whether or not I go with the og sweyns to blindside David in an attempt to really open the game up and have less of a tribe vs tribe dynamic. Also complicating matters is the fact scott wants me dani and David to form a voting block with Ahrre and someone else to really control this game. It seems to me that I need to really think about my decision.

they better make up their minds whether its me or ryan bc i aint agreeing to a 5th name this tribal LAMFJHFG

So all this is messy and I just start thinking, why don’t I flip like David’s a threat and it would open up the game 100% and also if it was just a case of David vs Ryan id vote ryan but I like Rhys so.

So a lot happened and now it’s rhys but I don’t want rhys I want ryan and with my crazy coo coo plan I hope that i get what I want bc that would be cute and like so unexpected and it would get the game to be opened up

im gunna fucking piss myself why are mercia SO DUMB!!! THEY WANNA SPLIT BETWEEN RYAN AND RHYS LMAOAOAOA LIKE HOW.. KILL ALL UR BONDS IDC!! ME AND JONES ARE BUSY CRYING LAUGHING BC THEYRE JUST SO FUCKING BAD AAAAAAAA

So I wake up to hear my name being throw around by my own og tribe... I love this tea soooo much... like in the end they settled for ryan but the fact that they have the audacity to put me up as an option AND THEN ask me for my vote... I have to laugh LKJHDFLJ I guess its time to flip the script!! Dani and Michael are coming up with this "genius" plan of splitting the votes between ryan and rhys because they think scott, jones, and I are with them... oh honey... they have a big storm comin... we're using this to our advantage to do a clean vote on Dani and take out one of them mofos... miss piggy gets revenge tonight

soo i came online to a whollllllle big ass mess lmao. Dani & Michael been scrambling to get out me or Rhys to save David and they have no idea they've dug themselves so far into a ditch.... it's scary knowing i'm gonna get votes but i feel confident that ppl have my back... i feel good that the Sweyns + Tobi + Felix will vote together to get Dani, and I just hope we've done a good job at making them not see it coming... but even if they do and an idol is played correctly by them, my idol 10000% is going to make an appearance hehehe

Hello here I am,, coming in clutch as the moodboard QUEEN. um,, thank god honestly. bc rn it seems like og Mercia wanted to just pick off Sweyn and I know for a fact David would've wanted to go for me first bc of Ko Chang (which btw, if you target people for past games, choke, it's a new game get over it sweaty c:) but yeah I'm glad I have immunity <3 thank god I ran a moodboard account over the summer teehee So yeah rn the Mercia group is a clusterfuck and I love it,,, I love watching the world burn yk? They really just,,, have no idea what they're doing. first they want to go for Scott, but apparenlty that's a cover and they're going for Ryan, THEN SCOTT KNOWS and they change the vote to Rhys, then they're splitting??? like??? hello????? y'all gotta make up your minds we've been planning on voting Dani out since before immunity came out. this couldn't have been easier honestly. I love this. THEN MICHAEL bless his heart I love him so fucking much but he really told me that David doesn't trust any of Sweyn and wants them out,, like,,, does he not realize,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm from Sweyn. like,,, that makes me want to take you guys out even more. PLUS he's really digging his own grave when he says that Mo and Ahrre can do whatever they want and they don't matter like,, you don't give the people on the bottom leg room. that's really dumb I love Michael to death but he's doing this to himself rn but heres the rundown on what everyone on that side THINKS is happening - Michael, myself, Scooty, Dani and David vote for Ryan - Ryan and Rhys vote for David - and Mo, Ahrre Tobi and Felix do whatever the fuck they want/Rhys apparently. so that would be a 5/4/2 vote for Ryan. HERE'S WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING (or what I think is happening based on my sleuthing) - David Dani and Michael are voting for Ryan - Ahrre is voting for Rhys - and myself, Scooty, Ryan, Rhys, Tobi, Mo, and Felix are all voting for Dani. making it a 7/3/1 split. I really hate how cocky I sound rn but holy fuck Mercia really crumbled and I barely did anything except for keeping Sweyn/Felix/Mo/Tobi on my side. Thank god. plus with all of this info we gathered now it'll be a lot easier to pull in Ahrre so we can take out the rest of Mercia. see y'all at F10 <3

everyone in this game can stay shook sweyn is runnin this shit..

this is legit my gameplan. be a crazy ass bitch and be a mess and people will never vote ur ass cus they think ull lose in ftc LAMJFBFG

OKAY. So lets catch up on the vote.

Originally sweyn was going for David. So Scotty was trying to get on it early and get people to swing to him. He told Michael. Michael tells David. David asks all of Sweyn if we heard his name.

We all regroup, and decide Michael or Dani is the best bet. As you know, snitches get stiches. Dani is Michaels ally and I have heard some people have been annoyed with her. So Dani is our new target. We have Tobi, Felix and Mo on board supposedly.

I continue the facade and talk to Michael and Dani about the vote with David. Inorder to keep David thinking its him. Going over whos voting who and blah blah.

Apprently the others, were going to go for Ryan. However Michael told Scotty about it being Ryan, when he was supposed to. This lead to Scotty telling Dani, who told David. So now *apprently* they think Ahrre told Scotty. So now I've been told the vote has been switched to me. But it may be split between me and Ryan.

So right now, I think Dani is going home, with a few votes on me or Ryan. However keyword being THINK. This could be completly a blindside on my half. Just gotta keep fingers crossed.

Man, so tonight's tribal is gonna be crazy. I got my alliance of Felix, Michael, Danielle and myself voting for Rhys. And I'm gonna use my vote steal to steal Ahrre's vote since he considered himself the swing vote and I'm gonna vote Rhys again with it. If this plan works, Rhys goes home.

We've been telling everyone else that the vote is Ryan, so in case there's an idol being played on either Rhys or Ryan, the other one will hopefully go home.

Ok so a lot has been going on and I've got a big headache so lets just sum it all up.

1. Scott is a dangerous little fella aparently the entire Felix throwing David under the bus last week story was bs. 2. OG Sweyn are going after David. 3. David is going after rhys but he's telling me to vote ryan for some reason, I assume that's because someone leaked the ryan vote to Scott and for some reason he thinks it was me? Either way he's really risking it considering I'm not sure he even has majority, plus he's alienating my ass so I have no real reason to keep him if I survive this round.

Anyhow I'm paranoid now so wish me gl.

Danielle is voted out 7-2-2.

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here

[survivorbouvetisland]

Episode #3: “Find out next time on total drama suck my ass” - Andrew

Bodhi

I'm pretending to have been told to vote for Kelsey, but in reality I knew exactly who was leaving, and I just wanted to see what happened. So I called out my old tribe in the swapped tribe chat and Kelsey is explaining what happened to me while I call Trixie and Nehemiah snakes. I quite like those two and I kinda regret calling them out for something they didn't do like that, but it's FUN.

QuilLynn

So im on albatross now and I couldn't be happier! so far everyone seems nice, i've only talked really to shea and roxy but i really like both of them so far. The only person i'm with from skua is austin, but he can go tbh if he needs too, noah fence I just don't really have a relationship with him and im here to win and make some drama!

I tried to get a higher score on this reward challenge than i think the other team will get altogether. I hope it will establish me as a threat and serious player in this game. I'm trying to integrate with Shea, Roxy and Ali, because I know old albatross is going to stick together, I'm hoping i'll be able to work with them but I trust nobody 100% in this game. I told Shea that if I get an idol clue i'd share it with him, that's half true. If i get an Idol clue and find myself in the same situation as i was in at Skua then I'll get his advice with the idol, but if i find that bitch its mine! 

stop spelling my name wrong @hosts it quillynn (two n's like how you all seem to have two 21st chromosomes)  im going to POP OFF..... im jk love you guys <3, but it is two n's 

Roxy's opinions are wrong sorry. Also @my tribe thanks for the all work in the challenge. I really feel like i'm going to be dragging this team through these challenges. At least trixie did something at this point she's the only one i wouldn't be okay with voting out.

I feel like with me on this team there is no way we lose a music video challenege, even though pretty much everyone seems to not want to be involved in it. I wanted to take editing too, but i let trixie take it because she said to me she was really good and i didn't want to come off as a total control freak, although i'm sure i still will... I will probably still help with the editing tbh. I just want to win! 

I tried confiding in shea that I had an idol clue in hopes that he'd be able to give me some info about old albatross and also build trust, but i don't think it really worked. I like shea, but don't trust him. He didn't give me much and said roxy was the best in the scavanger hunt. When I went to roxy and asked her about the same challenege she said she was too busy to do basically any of it. To be fair I don't believe her either, but i might need to talk to one more person before I really can find out which one is lying and who has the first clue for the albatross idol

There is a crack starting to present itself within the old albatross tribe. Shea and roxy clearly don't get along. I believe i could convince roxy to vote shea out if i needed too, i just would need to solidify the rest of the votes which might be hard since i haven't talked much to the other non-albatross members. I also like shea and would want him to stay over roxy but realistically it would be harder to get his vote and I have a gut feeling that we should take him out asap if we get the opportunity. 

We won, DUH. Skua's was shit ours was great, the judges were clearly on crack for lowballing our scores. 

Trixie, Nehe, Austin, and myself might make an "outsiders" alliance amongst our tribe. Based on performance in the the last immunity challenge I'm contemplating throwing the next in order to get shea out. If we have our alliance plus maybe the vote of roxy or ali we'll be able to do it. 

Jacob

Hey look, new tribes! I'm glad to see Bodhi! <3 And now I can get to know some more new people. I'm pretty excited overall, but I guess only time will tell how this turns out in the end.

Welp. That challenge was a bust. At least Regan is asking us to vote her out so we don't have to worry about the vote. I keep forgetting we have to do confessionals through this thing instead of just dropping them in the Host Chat.

Trixie

RIP dana. She had so much to live for. I can't believe she smacked her head and now she's dead. She deserved it for putting me in this tribe. JK everyone is very lovely and I'm trying to snuff out the problematics from the ppl I can trust.

This. Girl. Is. The. Nastiest. Skank. Bitch. I. Have. Ever. Met. Do. Not. Trust. Her. She. Is. A. Fugly. Slut. #Mean-Girl-Dana@notgivingmeareward.com JK!!! <3 

I'M LIVING FOR THIS FIGHT. BUY PRAYING ON ITUNES.

I just finished the music video, I hope everybody likes it!

I'm sorry but can I just fucking say I spent like 2 hours editing that 5 minute music video and not even a single 10/10 by the judges. Get fucked! I know we won but Skua's was less than a minute long and some bitch judges have the audacity to give us lower scores than them. Yikes @ these judges, learn how to judge

I'm thinkin aboot making an alliance with Quillynn and Nehe. Quillynn is up for this and said that maybe we can add Austin to make an alliance of 4 that way we can have half the votes on our team. I'm worried Albatross will just try to pick us off since we're the leftovers of Skua & Adelie

Andrew

Will Jacob ever agree with anything? Find out next time on total drama suck my ass

Regan

MY TRIBE IS FULL OF ANNOYING FUCKS. I hate this tribe swap no one wants to agree on any song we pick which are all bops by the way. 80s songs in general are bops!!!!!

I didnt think it was possible to hate the tribe this much..... its not a music video if youre using like audio clips from random shit thats just a video idk i dont find it creative i hate rupauls drag race so fucking much.  im sorry our tribe is full of weirdos but like????

Nicholas

no offense but why is my entire tribe inbred

Zack

I hope my tribe does well with those music video. I will be in a car for thirteen hours and cannot do lip sync without having to do a long explanation as to why I'm doing it.

Kelsey

Oh my...SO much has happened since the last week lovers, let me catch you all up. So first, tribal. It was quite clear that Trixie and Bodhi were on opposing sides than Ragan and Cole. Trixie really did feel it was best to eliminate Cole from the competition, but Ragan had her doubts as did I. I feel as if Bodhi is not the best...communicator. Cole wasn't either, but he was better. But regardless, I draw up a plan that says that Ragan, Cole, Nehe(who was in the center of all of it) and I vote out Bodhi, therefore keeping Cole around. We all agreed on it and I thought it was sickening...until we get to the vote and myself and Cole are the only ones to vote for Bodhi. Ragan chickened out at the last moment and Nehe said he wanted to force a tie. L U D I C R O U S. Did they HONESTLY think that it would work if it tied? Oh, whatever. Trixie's happy, everyone assumes Ragan was the second vote, I'm still the sweet girl of the tribe. Whatever. And then we tribe swap...oh WHATEVER. I'm going to miss my romance island...especially now that we have to leave it FOREVER. Ragan and Bodhi both end up on the same tribe as me and, while it's nice to have the familiar faces, those two will probably not end up working together. Bodhi has a nice boiling rage for Trixie and Ragan and Ragan herself...is...so much more assertive on this tribe than she was last time. All these new people are also a bit scary to me...I don't think many of them particularly see themselves working with me and I know that's going to be deepened ever more after this challenge. All I can do is hope that I can make people like me like Gwen Stefani and slay...I know I'm not going to participate in this challenge. I have a fake name, I don't feel like revealing anything about myself...and it's tragic. I have to choose between a silly fear and a necessary challenge and I already know I'm picking fear. Not to mention there is a supposed music guru on the other side...I am just preparing myself for the worst. Oh, how I miss the Isles of Romance...no matter how messy it was...

And THAT'S all there is to it~! Can you pay my telephone billz? -Kelsey V Mikaelson

Well...that challenge was a thing. I expected it to be a particularly tough challenge...I did NOT expect to be left with doing the brunt of the work. I never expect editing to be so dificult...but my submission was made and honestly? I'm proud of it. I feel like it's sickening, not because of quality, but because I made it in three hours, odds against and I feel like it's wonderful. It may not be a music video but gosh...I'm proud. If I go home this week, I feel like I made something I can take with me and that's incredible. I do hope I don't leave...some of the reactions to the performance were less the incredible...but my name is Kelsey Mikaelson, darling. A lover's quarrel is nothing more than a love bite to me~! I wish myself the best...for strategy, I know, on my end, these people aren't as welcoming to a romantic such as myself. All I can do is...Pray. *rolls eyes* IT DIDNT EVEN HAVE ALL OF THE TRIBEMATES UGH X'D And THAT'S all there is to it~! Wish me luck, hen-pen-pals~! Yours truly, Kelsey V Mikaelson

Ali

IM LEGIT IN AN AlLIANCE WITH EVERYONE HELP ME!

Austin

OK so I still have zero social game. Apparently I was the last to be picked and that's pretty funny. I'm on a tribe with Nehe and Ali SO I formed an alliance with them and that was literally the first thing I said to them. They know I'm on vacation so I can't really talk much, but Ali seemed to be very into it. I've known Zack just as long as I've known Isaiah/Jay so he's 100% going to be a number for me considering this is his first ORG. I've literally fallen into a position of power without even trying. I told Ali/Nehe that Bodhi and I are a part of a secret twist called "Secret Lovers" and if we make merge then we can decide if we want to give immunity to two other players during round 1 merge. IVE LITERALLY SECURED SAFETY OFF OF BULLSHIT AND BODHI DOESNT EVEN KNOW!! Tbh just get me to merge with Jay, Zack, and Bodhi and I can guarantee final 3....Lmao I haven't even spoken to anyone

[seme-aru]

This is gonna be a long post so read it or don't So during my spring break I went to canada with 2 of my "friends" from hs and it was a good trip for the most part until haha I got injured. So I was staying in vancouver but on the last full day of my trip we went to Victoria. So victoria is about 5 hours from where I was staying, 2 hours to the ferry, 2 hours on the ferry, and then another hour to Victoria Anyway skipping to the actual part of the story. While I was in victoria I fell on an escalator and the sharp edge of the escalator ripped through my skin. When this happened I rushed to a restroom as fast as I could and gave friend 1 my stuff to hold. So in the restroom I was trying to get the blood to stop and it wouldn't so I asked some woman to help me. She ended up getting first aid for me and later asked if I was with anyone. I told her I was and gave her the description of my friend She comes back and GUESS WHO WASN'T THERE. NOT MY FRIEND BECAUSE SHE FUCKING LEFT. So I'm there in the restroom getting first aid and crying because looking at the injury literally made me burst into tears. But the first aid guy told me "I think I did a good job cleaning it up so when u go back to America u should go to the hospital if u think you're gonna get an infection" oh btw that was some shit advice, just go to the hospital Anyway after about 20min in the restroom I leave and find that friend one isn't fucking there but friend 2 is. So when I see him I ask where the fk she was, and you know what he tells me??? That she went to the fucking RESTROOM AND WHEN SHE HEARD SOMEONE WAS GETTING FIRST AID SHE DECIDED TO GO TO ANOTHER RESTROOM BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE REALLY HAD TO PEE. And I was pissed off and told him "You know I WAS THE ONE GETTING FIRST AID" he says "yea I guessed but she said she really needed to use the restroom" So yea i was fucking pissed off but then omg it gets better, for some fucking reason they decided to sit on high chairs when I literally can't even bend my knee or let it relax without wanting to cry. Anyway so friend 2 asks if I'm hungry and tells me I should eat something. As if I DIDN'T JUST HAVE A TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE. Anyway I'm just so annoyed that I decide to sit at a different table so I can actually let my leg lay on something instead of hanging in air. And he later comes over to ask if I want him to sit with me and I say no. Later I hear shuffling around me but no one speaks to me. I find out that one of them PUT MY STUFF NEXT TO ME. I'M LITERALLY CRYING TO MYSELF AND FOR SOME REASON THEY THINK THE BEST THING THEY SHOULD DO IS LEAVE MY STUFF NEXT TO ME WHEN THEY COULD EASILY HAVE HELD ON TO IT. anyway so we have to get back to vancouver so we had to take the bus to the ferry, ferry to vancouver, then a bus to the train, another bus after the train and then walk up a 10min hill While on the bus for some reason friend 1 thinks that EVERY FUCKING STOP IS OUR STOP. OUR STOP IS LITERALLY THE LAST STOP AND THE LAST STOP IS A FUCKING FERRY PORT AKA THERE'S A FUCKING BOAT THERE. And her excuse was that "it's dark I can't see" Anyway while on the ferry I'm using a wheel chair because I just can't fucking walk. Anyway while on the ferry friend 2 asks if I want anything from the cafe and I pause to think about it and before I even say anything friend 1 says "I'd be down for a coffee" like ???????? And friend 2 just says "u know I was asking her (aka me)" AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE FUCKING SAYS??? "I mean I knew u were asking her but she didn't answer and I'm down for a coffee" But wow it still gets better. While on the ferry my gauze starts bleeding through so im certain it's a lot more serious than what the first aid guy told me. So I go to the first aid on the ferry BY MYSELF because the friend 2 is in the restroom and friend 1 has to watch our stuff. However I do tell them to come find me (haha guess who never fking came) Anyway the first aid office was a fucking horrible experience. The guy didn't try to help me at all and the only thing he did do was give me a lecture on the importance of travel insurance and essentially told me I was stupid for not getting it. Anyway I have to go back to my friends but they aren't whee I thought they were and I started wheeling myself around the ferry. After awhile friend 1 finally finds me and tells me I should've checked my phone BECAUSE THEY MOVED. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY MOVED? BECAUSE FRIEND 2 WANTED TO TAKE A FUCKING NAP so anyway after we get off the ferry we had to get to the train and we had to take the elevator up to the platform and they have the fucking audacity to tell me "at least we get to ride an elevator cause your injured" LIKE WHAY THE ACTUAL FUCK???????? okay so next part we get off the train and we have to find the bus stop. But guess what it's 2 blocks away and they can't fucking navigate. Anyway so we finally get to the bus stop and I just can't. If we take the bus we have to walk up a hill and I just can't do that so I want to take a taxi. But u know what the bitch says??? I CAN GIVE YOU A PIGGY BACK RIDE I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT OR ANYTHING BUT IT MIGHT MAKE UR KNEE WORSE. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK??? Anyway I'm fucking adamant about getting a taxi but there weren't many stopping on the street we were on. So I told them to ask a person and guess what, they literally argue who should be the one to ask. Him: but you're a white girl, u seem less threatening (btw this kid is a little Mexican boy like u are not threatening) her: yea but I'm so awkward LIKE IF IT WAS EITHER ONE OF THEM WHO WAS INJURED I WOULD TALK TO SOMEONE IN A FUCKING INSTANT NO FUCKING DEBATING LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. anyway so friend 2 ends up asking the guy but it was useless cause the taxi service wasn't answering. Anyway I see a taxi stopping and ppl leaving so I tell her to go tell the taxi driver to come...however she tells him the wrong street and we have to walk 2 blocks oh and btw the taxi isn't even there and she says "omg I feel so bad for the taxi driver cause he's losing business" and I'm literally limping to get to this taxi that's not even there and she doesn't even ask if I'm okay. Anyway once in a taxi (I found another taxi because those two are fucking useless) she tells the driver the wrong address. THE WRONG ADDRESS. Ok so once back at the bnb the place is a mess but I just can't, I want to pack my stuff and go to sleep because I just fucking can't deal with them. Oh but guess who makes me clean up the next morning??? Yea, them. Anyway so im just going to fast forward to the airport. While I'm at the airport the gauze is bleeding through again and it's been about 15 hours so I know it's definitely a lot more serious than I originally thought if the bleeding isn't stopping this many hours in. So I get paramedics and they tell me I should go to a hospital in canada but it's also going to be 800 JUST TO SEE A DOCTOR and an additional couple hundred for the actual medical help, the taxi to and from the hospital, and the hotel I would have to book so I decided to just go home Anyway in the actual airport the guy asks me to buy his breakfast (and everything else for that matter because he lost his wallet and had no money) and then tells me "I'm so hungry cause I didn't eat breakfast " guess what. I asked him to make breakfast but he said he didn't want one cause he didn't want to do dishes (Oh btw I had to do their dishes when I woke up) Anyway so the girl was flying out to somewhere else so she left first. And she was snapchatting me COMPLAINING ABOUT HER DAY. and when I told her I had to go to the hospital she responds "That sucks. " Anyway once i landed I check my phone and GUESS WHO TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING THE WORST TRAVEL DAY OF HER LIFE BECAUSE SHE HAD TO WAIT IN A LONG LINE??? THE STUPID BITCH so anyway I was pissed off and it took me 2 hours to even get home and once I was home my parents took me to the hospital (while also telling me that the reason I fell with because I'm fat and that my fatness caused me to be unbalanced) So continuing with the story I go to the hospital and I got staples in my knee to keep my wound from opening up again. After I go to the pharmacy and I'm home friend 2 messages me asking if I'm okay and how my hospital visit was But guess who doesn't even try to contact me or ask me how I'm doing? You guessed it. So I'm just mad and really unhappy so I decide to mute my notifications on my hs group chat so I just don't have to see her or talk to her. Oh but guess what she emails me telling me how shes coming down to where I live and that she wants to hang out. And I don't respond and after 2 weeks of me ignoring her she messages me saying "wya" In a span of 2 weeks she hasn't once asked me how I was doing Anyway I get fed up with her and her complete disregard for my wellbeing AT ALL so I unfriend her on fb and untagged myself from all the canada posts she's making. Guess what she does? SHE REFRIENDED ME AND POSTED NEW PICTURES OF ME, OBVIOUSLY NOT GETTING THE POINT so I don't accept it and a couple of days later I decide to just leave the gc because I muted it anyway so what's the point of staying in it when I dont want to associate myself with her at all anymore Guess what? She messages me the next day harassing me saying she deserves an explanation. And I just don't respond because there's nothing to say. She doesn't even realize what she did wrong and I just can't with her. If you don't understand what you did wrong u never deserved my friendship in the first place. But lol IT STILL GETS BETTER. the next day she messages me telling me that it's unfair for me to be excluded in the group chat and that I shouldn't lose my hs friends because of it. Like what?? I don't understand how she thinks my friendship with them is over because I left a group chat. Additionally she tells me that we should behave like mature adults and not fight in the group chat. Guess what? I did not once bring it up to the group. Even when they asked I didn't say why because I honestly don't care if they want to be friends with her. Because I'm actually a mature adult. If she starts talking shit about me to the group I really don't care. If they really don't understand that I have my reasons and take her side then we shouldn't be friends at all either. She also sends an additional msg telling me that she's sorry that I think she's a bad friend and that she doesn't understand why I think that way. In that message there was no "I'm sorry I was a bad friend" it was a "idk what your problem is because I'm a good friend" additionally, she isn't reflecting at all and can't even fathom the possibility that she did something wrong. So yea but haven't responded and I won't respond because I don't need that in my life. This was a really long post started crying again and I'm tired so im going to sleep. Good night