#a) lorenzo becomes a more complex/less perfect character

[markantonys]

let me tell you about giovanni de’ pazzi and beatrice borromei. giovanni was francesco and guglielmo’s brother and beatrice was his wife. beatrice was from a super rich family and didn’t have any siblings, so she was all set to inherit a huge amount of money when her father died. the pazzi family would then get even richer than they already were.

you know who just couldn’t have this? lorenzo de’ medici. who proceeded to enact a new law limiting female inheritance in some way (i forget the details) that prevented beatrice from getting her dad’s money and instead ensured that it passed to her male cousin instead (who iirc was a friend of the medici).

and like, the timing of this was not subtle at all so everyone knew that lorenzo had passed this law SPECIFICALLY to target beatrice and by extent the pazzi, who were rightfully pissed about this. and this whole ordeal is actually considered one of the major causes of the pazzi conspiracy. i’m not saying The Pazzi Did Nothing Wrong but like. they were definitely provoked a lot more than the show would have you believe. even giuliano reportedly gave lorenzo shit for this stunt because he thought he was pushing his luck too far with the pazzi. i bet lorenzo was real sorry when he remembered this after the conspiracy yikes

footnote to this story: giovanni de’ pazzi, who was NOT involved in the conspiracy, was nevertheless imprisoned in 1478 because lorenzo was like “if he’s a pazzi he’s a traitor” and sent a whole bunch of them to jail. in 1480, according to italian wikipedia, beatrice tried to break her husband out of jail but she was caught and imprisoned herself. giovanni died in prison a year later and idk what happened to beatrice, but the other pazzi men who’d been imprisoned were eventually released and sentenced to exile instead, so i choose to hope that she was released along with them

tldr: the entire pazzi family was so ride or die for each other and i love it

[clockmongler]

i posted this on twitter and  i’m gonna post this here:

#DMC5 and the problem with V, aka Why It Felt Like Capcom Came Into My Living Room, Snatched My Wig, and Made Me Kick My Own Cat: an essay 

obviously spoilers

I see a lot of people rolling their eyes about some players saying they grew attached to V as a character. We should be happy he served his purpose as a plot-point and move on. He was a gimmick character. Itsuno wasn't even sold on the idea of people liking him. Why even care?

I'll tell you why: because he was entirely designed - from visuals, to story, to gameplay - FOR you to care. And not just because his ultimate role in bringing back a fan favorite.

Let's go back to 2005. In the pile of stuff that came spewing forth from RE4's Production Hell Bosom were 2 very important games. One was obviously DMC in 2001, but there was a second, less talked about game. A game Capcom wants to pretend they don't remember. But I remember it.

It was called Haunting Ground. You see a LOT of DMC3 in it, from the gothic set designs to the soundtrack, but in tone it's a completely different beast. Haunting Ground is basically what Clock Tower 3 was GOING to be: a hide-and-seek survival horror and not... magical girls.

You played a hapless, defenseless heroine named Fiona Belli. Fiona is a pretty, tiny creature in revealing clothing and is terrified of her surroundings to the point where her panic is a gameplay mechanic. The only things she can do herself are run, hide, kick, and throw things. You aren't wholly meant to identify as Fiona. You're meant to want to protect her. This is stated immediately in the booklet given with the game, and it's something the game actually pulls off incredibly well.

Instead of a gun, sword, or even magic to defend herself, Fiona is given a pet. She is given a white German Sheppard named Hewie, and instead of singularly controlling Fiona, you need to multitask and use the right joystick to also give commands to Hewie.

The entire game centers around the bond between Fiona and Hewie. You feed Hewie when he's injured. You train him by praising what he's done right and scolding him when he doesn't listen. You solve puzzles together. By the end of the game, the two of you have become partners.

But Hewie's biggest asset is physically protecting Fiona. Stalkers will barge into your happy little puzzle-solving time to mutilate poor Fiona for her Azoth (aka her mystical McGuffin) and pressing up on the right joystick sends Hewie into attack mode. By throwing himself at enemies, Hewie is the only thing keeping Fiona from... all the horrific, terrifying things the antagonists want to do to her. If this sounds familiar to you, it's because you're getting what I'm laying down: V is Fiona Belli.

V is a hapless, mostly helpless hero. He's a pretty, tiny creature in revealing clothing who is the only playable character in the DMC series to show any amount of panic and fear over his surroundings. The only things he himself can do is hit things with a cane or run.

Look at every other playable character in the game (yes, even unlockables like Lady and Trish): they're ALL power fantasies. They're cool. They're unflappable. They're witty and wield weapons bigger than Nero's inferiority complex. You're meant to relate and feel COOL.

V is... different. Yes, he's still cool in his own way. He puts on an air of being unflappable. But he's quieter. His humor is dry. His taunts are either to endearingly goof off and tap-dance, play air violin, or... double-over and go into a terrifying coughing fit. You are reminded at every opportunity just how fragile and sickly V is. It causes a slight separation between player and character, like with Fiona, in a way that forces you to not want to BE this person, but to PROTECT this person and I think a lot of people are missing that.

Like with Fiona, V ends up using pets to protect himself. Giant murder-bird Griffon is fiercely loyal and protective, even when being teasing. Aside from Nero, most of V's conversations happen with Griffon, who quickly establishes himself as V's best friend.

Griffon constantly flies you out of harm's way in the form of a dodge. He banters with V in the middle of fights. He asks after his health, and praises him for doing well in battle with adorable little things like "YER A SUPERSTAR, V!!" And while we as a people are forever robbed of having a Griffon Style Announcer, V has a similar, if less obvious relationship with Shadow, the big giant kitty. Griffon does the talking for the other two familiars, but Shadow is also there in battle and out: helping you move, helping you dodge, and even resting at V's feet like you'd see a guard-dog doing. It even has an idle animation of sitting down and just... watching him. It's quiet, but the care is there. Even Nightmare, who's just a blob of death and destruction, feels like a part of the team.

In your last mission as V, you're stripped of all of your familiars and need to reclaim them one by one. This is the point where you truly see just how weak V is without them: he can't run several paces without collapsing in on himself in exhaustion. Dodging causes him to raise his arm in the air in the expectation of Griffon taking his wrist like he would any other time, only for Griffon to not be there. He can whistle for his familiars, his FRIENDS, to come to his side... and they won't. You're alone. V's alone. So getting them back is important not just for protecting V, but because these things have become your friends. You feel a joy and relief when each one comes back to you. You get the gang back together. The boys are back in town.  And then...

So. Back to Haunting Ground. In the end of the game (if you were nice to Hewie and why wouldn't you be, you monster), Fiona escapes the clutches of the last Stalker, who wanted to use her McGuffin to create a fuller, more perfect form of himself. She and Hewie dump his ass into some convenient lava and eventually watch him burn out after having to defeat the real final boss which was that goddamn falling statue. Fiona is stronger. She refuses to be used as the ends of someone else's means. She's her own damn person.

Fiona and Hewie leave the castle they've been trapped in all game together. If you leave the first stalker alive, he'll catch sight of this woman he spent one third of a game terrorizing and she STARES HIM DOWN. She's not having it anymore. So the guy bows to her. And without saying a word, Fiona turns her back to him and walks the fuck away. BAMF of the year. 10/10. She, Hewie, and you worked your ass off for this ending and you deserve it. Go live happily ever after with your dog, girl.

...but now I want you to imagine something different. Instead of Fiona beating that last Stalker, she loses. Lorenzo wins. She is killed and her McGuffin is absorbed into him and this woman you've spent all this time caring and protecting for is no more. You are then given control of another character who is then tasked with shooting Hewie, your best friend. This creature that has protected you and Fiona your entire journey. Your PET. 

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WITH V.

Yes, circumstances are different. In order for Vergil to take responsibility for the dumbass shenanigans he'd done, V had to stop existing and reform into him and he merged with Urizen knowing that. V can't have Fiona's happy ending. But the point is that we're SUPPOSED to be sad about this. Anyone trying to call people out by calming this IS the happy ending, that V is just a part of Vergil and technically got as best as he was going to is missing the entire goddamn point.

Capcom designed this character, having successfully done it before, for you to get attached. The loss of not only him, but the things that protected him, his friends, even if it means getting something stronger and shinier, is meant to be a painful sacrifice. People are complaining BY DESIGN. It isn't baseless fan-harping over the cute goth boy (...okay, some of it is that). It's more than that. 

And I'll take a formal apology from Matt Walker for the heartbreak, thank you and good night. 

[jcmorgenstern]

3x14 Review

Hey so for once this is actually super positive! I loved this episode and can’t wait to gush about it! So without further ado, I’m gonna get the stuff I quibbled with outta the way before diving into what I liked:

The Bad: — I think my biggest problem overall was that scene between Alec and Lorenzo. I understand Alec was being protective and he goes into Fierce Mommy Tiger mode around those he considers family and those he loves (I think it’s important to show that Magnus isn’t just his boyfriend, Magnus has become integrated into the thing Alec bases his life around). But I had hoped Alec would have figured out by now that a Nephilim threatening to depose a Downward leader over an apartment is…..unideal, at least. — I get that this may have been designed as a plot hook as an understandable yet stupid thing Alec does that comes back to bite him later (i.e., if there is a Downward civil war in New York, and Lorenzo decides to fuck Alec over). Alec’s strength and weaknesses are tied to his family, and I think it’s a very believable mistake for him to make. I don’t expect him to be perfect, I just hope the narrative treats his threat to Lorenzo as less of a “pure uwu cutesy bf” move and more of a mistake, even if Lorenzo is being cruel to Magnus. — Honestly y’all I expected something WAY worse. Losing the apartment was nothing compared to the drama I expected—I thought Lorenzo was gonna ask Magnus to spy on Alec or go back to Asmodeus or something awful. Thankfully that was inverted by a very obvious attempt to get Magnus to move in with Alec, because apparently he can’t buy a new house with all his money. — I also quibbled a little with how Clary was written, especially in that scene where Jace comforts her (or, really, when Jace makes what happened to her about him and how angry he is and how he’s going to kill Jonathan etc. It’s a pattern with him, esp where Jonathan is involved, and I have more to say about it). Clary has always been a very temperamental, look before you leap sort of person, and I’m not sure that if she figured out Jonathan had hurt Jace she would just smile and pretend along. Clary would FREAK. This is Jocelyn’s daughter, y’all. The knives would be out. She stabbed herself to stab him before and she’d do it again. She has ALL the tools at her disposal to rune him or run away. — To be clear, I’m not shaming Clary for what she chose to do or not confronting a violently entitled dude who kidnapped her once already, I just felt the arc was artificially extended to let Jace be the hero instead of letting Clary kick Jonathan’s ass off a pier and rune him. There’s no way that bitch can swim. It seemed kind of….not how Clary would react and kind of artificially done for Jace and Jonathan’s benefit. — Last thing, which isn’t even a quibble but I feel people will be confused if it’s not on here: the Maia and Jordan thing. I’ll go into it more but basically: if they’re doing what I think, I think it worked shockingly well, but if it’s played straight yeah it’ll be Unfortunate.

The Good: — I’m just gonna come out and say this episode was AMAZING. Since this is mostly a positive review I’d like to credit the writer specifically—Zoe Broad. Honestly just the overall coherence of this episode was greater than any of the ones in S3 for me, it flowed from one scene to the other and there was no point where I had the urge to check Facebook or whatever. The dialogue was pretty good overall and truly amazing at parts, and I felt she had a pretty good handle on the characters, despite this being her first episode, which was very impressive. — I actually ENJOYED the ship content??? Clace was absolutely adorable on the rink, with Jace’s sometimes annoying bravado being played wryly both on his part and by the script. “I was born ahead of the curve” delivered with a smile and then nearly falling on his ass was. Very good. And Clary’s little “you’re doing better than me….when I was six” was equally great and I just. Really liked it? They felt like real people on a real date and it felt real and dynamic and cute. — Same with Malec’s grave-robbing date. Usually their scenes start to get weighed down by drama or just general “talking to the audience to make them happy rather than each other,” but this was just cute AND advanced the plot, and connected them back to the main storyline. I hadn’t liked how they were quarantined away from the main story and I’m glad they’re back, even if the “losing Magnus’ loft” was a weird way to do it. — Maia and Alisha particularly were really the breakout stars of the episode. Alisha really really SOLD that dialogue and was honestly incredible. Her terror and anger and desperation felt so visceral and real that even though I knew it would be resolved in the episode, it was gripping and I genuinely needed to know what happened next. — I also did like how Zoe wrote Maia (that “frickin” was TOTALLY a stand in for fuck and I APPRECIATE it) and I felt she really captured how she feels about Jordan—she does care about him as a person, or rather for the person he was at some point, but still refuses to not to push down on her own anger and hurt for his or anyone else’s sake. I felt it was really complex and confusing and emotional for her and overall I think that scene was meant to give her a sense of closure. Just because she recognizes that Jordan does care about her and can be supportive of her, doesn’t mean she’ll necessarily jump back into his arms. — That’s kind of my reading—I’m not sure where they’re going, obviously, but my instinct was that the less chill stuff Maia says (implying they may be going a romantic arc) was more due to the fact she was PANICKING IN A LOCKED CLOSET WITH A DYING DUDE. Like she says “I’m confused” like yes she meant before but honestly right then she obviously was, and I don’t really see the show going for Jordan/Maia? Especially since Todd has hinted Maia has a “don’t need no man” arc. Like she drifts apart from Simon but gets back with someone she hated for years?? Not seeing it. — However if they do go there I’ll be really disappointed, mostly because of the missed opportunity for complexity but also because yeahhhhh maybe not the chillest thing with how many people interpret their relationship as abuse. (I could make a separate post about it but yeah). — Onto Magnus. God okay I don’t know how others felt but I felt Zoe really got to the crux of why Magnus misses his magic. That how he feels connected to the world through his magic was just…such a good insight and it really impacted me because it wasn’t just some generic “magic is what makes me who I am,” it was so much more deep and personal and I felt it meant a lot that Magnus finally put that into words for Alec. He’d clearly been struggling to impart to Alec how he felt, both in terms of “how do I even explain this loss” and a his own emotional reticence. God that grave robbing scene!!!! — Umm the Morningstar sword actually being a sword to summon demons?? Kind of weird?? Esp if they play it off as an actual Morgenstern relic?? Not sure what’s happening but it was cool?? — honestly dudes I’ve been FUCKED UP about the Luke storyline and SUPER STRESSED and now IT’S ALL HAPPENIGN someone SAVE HIM oh my GOD I’m actually so stressed I’ve been stressed for 9 months FREE HIM — Ok now to Jonathan bc lbr y’all know I can’t shut up about him. Ok first off, that scene with the seelie gal, oh my FUCKING GOD I was screaming what a LOSER GHSDKLFJhghghhghgg. And she insults his shitty dialogue?? Zoe ma’am may I PROPOSE??? This keeps getting wilder and wilder I can’t believe they’re GOING THERE. THEY’RE GOING THERE SO HARD. HE’S SUCH A WILD LOSER. Can you BELIEVE he found someone off shadow world fetlife to be like “I’m a Morgenstern and I love you bro you’re so hot and clever and lovable” I just can’t. I bet you ANYTHING she tops and is only in it for the shadow hunter ass. — SHAPESHIFTING. YALL. I BUST A NUT. Look, it fixes so many fucking plot holes. His eyes look SO COOL when he does demon magic. He’s so OP and Chaotic Stupid it’s not even a joke  I Lov my Mary Sue Son. — Honestly having Jonathan impersonate Jace is so brilliant (remember when he said, “I don’t want your pity, I want your life?”) Like it is so fucked up but I love it.  Not looking forward to the mind control but maybe he just whispered “I’m a bottom” into her ear and ran off in her ensuing shock and confusion. You can’t prove me wrong until next week so until then LA LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU — Personally I liked Dom’s performance as Jonathan, but not to be that Bitch I felt Will was a lot more subtle about it. Dom gave him a straight up thousand mile stare whereas Will played him as something charismatic and good at lying with a little edge of Something Wrong, a strain behind a smile. Sure, Jonathan was probably nervous for his little kidnapping date, but I felt it was unrealistic that he was so suave and convincing (sans the part where Aline comes to visit him that was hilarious, Jonathan you’re an idiot) as Seb and then is like “I eat ants sometimes” as Jace. Like. He’s an obsessive bitch. He’d have practiced Jace in the mirror. Fuck you. Probably while saying “fuck you.” ANYWAYS. — Izzy doing science? It’s not much but I’ll fucking take it lmao. I’m excited to see where Heavenly Fire is going. Matt’s Latin is still abysmal but whatever it’s ok. — also that rose?? A kiss from a rose?? Honestly this ep was so clever and thematically connected and just FLOWED like an ACTUAL EP OF TV god I’m emotional!!!! Thank you Zoe Broad ma’am you are a hero!!! — Again I’m gonna point out both Jace and Jonathan have a designated Brooding Fireplace. — Not super hyped about Heidi coming back but hey this ep was Worth It.

Anyway tldr I really liked it and wanted to spew semi-coherent positivity for once! About more characters than just my stupid fave!!! Wow!!! Good writing is SEXY and I LOVE IT!!!

[swipestream]

Star Wars Rip-Offs: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird

A more innocent time, when a Swedish actor playing an Asian villain bothered no one.

As a major, SJW-infested corporation trots out another installment of a beloved franchise, devoid of excitement and fresh ideas but pumped to the gills with Social Justice, it’s interesting to go back to an earlier, more innocent time, shortly after the first Star Wars (1977) came out.  Not only was it legitimately excellent, it also became an insane success that changed the very economics of the film industry from a system dominated by directors making serious art for adults (think Network (1976), Chinatown (1974), or even more action-oriented fare like The French Connection (1971)) to one focusing on special effects-laden blockbusters for teens.  Many, myself included, would argue this was ultimately for the worst, but that’s a topic for another column.

The point is that in the wake of Star Wars’ success (the second-highest grossing film of all time when factoring in inflation, after Gone with the Wind (1939)), there were a slew of imitators.  Ignoring obvious foreign crap like the infamous Turkish Star Wars (1982), let’s look at a few of these.

Flash Gordon (1980)

Sure, Flash Gordon started as a comic strip in 1934 and there were several film serials released in the late 30s and early 40s.  But would there possibly have been a big-screen adaptation 40 years later if not for the success of the Star Wars franchise at the time?  Not a chance.  And it was produced by none other than Dino de Laurentiis, the brilliant, incorrigible, and utterly insane Italian mogul.

The film is a mess in many ways.  It went through numerous directorial changes (at various points, Fellini, George Lucas, and Sergio Leone were all considered!) and according to script writer Lorenzo Semple Jr, they couldn’t figure out whether to make it more serious or comical, eventually settling on the “wrong” choice of a cartoonish approach.  The lead Sam Jones physically looks the part of a tall, well-built, handsome American hero.  Unfortunately, being a nude model with no acting experience, he lacks charisma and even basic personality.  A disagreement with De Laurentiis also led to much of his dialogue being overdubbed.  Beyond that, the movie is a series of one set piece after another, frequently mediocre, with little rhyme or reason for them, but full of Three Stooges style hijinx.

And yet, there is a definite charm to the picture.  While Jones fails to impress, future James Bond Timothy Dalton is a fine roguish prince, the great Max Von Sydow is a solid villain, and the wonderful British character actor Brian Blessed, with his booming voice, is a memorable leader of the Hawkmen.  It’s a loud, boisterous movie, with colorful costumes and a genuine energy to it, no matter how silly the set piece.

And of course, it features a genuinely great soundtrack by Queen.  When most people think of the film, the opening lines of the theme play in their heads, and many of its other flaws melt away.  The song being used for the final, climactic battle is genuinely thrilling.

Krull (1983)

Reminds me a little of the character select screen for Golden Axe!

As I’ve mentioned in the comments here, this is my absolute favorite of the Star Wars rip-offs, which is equal to or even superior to the original in many ways.  Directed by the great, now slightly forgotten English director Peter Yates, it was my favorite movie as a child.  I dreaded revisiting it as an adult, as my reaction to most of what I liked then was “How the hell did I ever like THAT?!  This is crap!  I must have been a dumb kid!”  However, watching it as a jaded adult, not only did I enjoy it, but at its best, it inspired the same feelings of awe and wonder I had felt as a child.

Krull is a sprawling epic, with a ragged band of adventurers going on a hero’s journey to rescue a princess in a beautiful, enchanting, and deadly world.  Unlike Flash Gordon mentioned above, the set pieces in this movie are incredible, and feature considerable ingenuity.  Even the mystical weapon in the movie, a multi-bladed mix between a shuriken and a boomerang called a glaive (not to be confused with the actual historical weapon of the same name) proved so popular it has been many used in many fantasy properties since.

The fights are thrilling, the heroes likable, and the villains, including their creepy, insane castle, are dark and menacing.  In fact, it succeeds at many of the same metrics that Star Wars did, if not to the same extent.

However, in one regard it is clearly better than Star Wars, and that is the soundtrack.  Yes, Star Wars is excellent there, but I consider James Horner’s work on Krull to be the best in all of film history.  Even better than Basil Poledouris’ work on Conan the Barbarian (1982) or Ennio Morricone’s numerous masterpieces.

The music is ever-present, a constant element throughout the picture, elevating each scene.  If the picture wasn’t fundamentally good, the soundtrack wouldn’t matter so much.  But in this case, it infuses with that additional drama, pathos, and heroism to go from good to great.  The main theme is outstanding and the Ride of the Firemares is thrilling, but my personal favorite is The Widow’s Lullaby.

If my enthusiasm didn’t make it obvious enough, I encourage every reader here to check out this simultaneously overlooked and underrated classic.

Wizards (1977)

“Dull, adventure-less fantasy of propaganda and Marxism” would be more accurate.

Okay okay, I’m cheating here, as this was actually released three months before the first Star Wars.  Still, I can’t resist highlighting this left-wing, scaremongering screed masquerading as a fantasy film, since it shows the pitfalls of political propaganda in movies and was made 40 years before the current year.   It’s similar to Star Wars in some ways, including an earlier use of plasma rifles.

The plot of this animated movie would make any fairy tale seem complex.  In a post-apocalyptic world, magic is everywhere, and a Good Wizard defeats an Evil Wizard but spares him.  The Evil Wizard then stumbles upon an old reel of Nazi propaganda (I wish I was kidding), which he displays on a projector to a bunch of monsters.  Instead of being confused at what the fuck they’re watching, the monsters become an unstoppable killing machine, routing elves and other good creatures in battle.  The Good Wizard, along with a few travel companions, go on a journey to stop the Evil Wizard.

I’m not simplifying this, either.  The Good Wizard is even named Avatar and the Evil Wizard Blackwolf.

The use of film as a weapon of propaganda is classic SJW projection, as Wizards is as heavy-handed as anything by Leni Riefenstahl.

The story is thoroughly idiotic, features no adventure and little in the way of excitement.  Instead, it is constantly cloying and preaching what would have been cutting-edge leftist sociopolitical orthodoxy back then.

Amusingly, as soon as the projector goes out, Blackwolf’s unbeatable Nazi army of hulking monsters gets easily slaughtered by a bunch of scrawny elven wimps.  I thought this was illogical and stupid when I saw it, but it makes perfect sense now, understanding the pathology of leftist thinking.  They always think it will be a piece of cake to defeat their enemies, contrary to all evidence.  (Admittedly, this is a trap certain right-wingers fall into as well, in the opposite direction)  And American leftists never appreciate what a force the Nazis truly were, which is also an insult to their victims.  Being a Russian Jew, with many ancestors who had fought in the war, the sober assessment I heard growing up was that the Germans were the best soldiers in the world then.  But in this film, Blackwolf’s army is actually weak, and their success is based around a single film projector.  Ergo, the menace of the villains is revealed as illusory, and there is nothing significant worth celebrating in the elvish victory.

Also, in a climactic scene, the hippy, non-violent good wizard Avatar, who had spared Blackwolf and preaches non-violence and mercy, shoots Blackwolf dead with a gun.  In cold blood.  There is nothing wrong with such a solution by a different protagonist in a different situation, but after all the preaching we’ve heard, it makes Avatar nothing more than a hypocrite, fraud, and very possibly evil himself.  It also renders the high-minded leftist themes that the movie had pushed so hard as nothing more than trite bullshit, to be disposed of whenever convenient.  (Gee, doesn’t that attitude sound familiar?)

Anywho, I hope you have enjoyed this look at some old movies similar to Star Wars.  Sadly, among major studio releases these days, one is far more likely to get a picture in the mold of Wizards than that of Krull!

Star Wars Rip-Offs: The Good, the Bad, and the Weird published first on http://ift.tt/2zdiasi