#a) I personally hate that and b) matt has said otherwise numerous numerous times

[essektheylyss]

It actually really frustrates me that on a certain level there are just things about Essek you cannot analyze publicly because you just end up getting droned out by the vague concept of the sound of Twitch chat spamming "HOT BOI."

And that's fine because I will simply have conversations privately, but it does make it very difficult to actually post speculation about stats and build and like, the reasoning behind how Matt created an extremely interesting character and how he evolved with the narrative, and that's a shame because it is a genuinely fascinating thing to discuss.

And it's also incredibly reductive and does not give Matt the credit he deserves in how much thought goes into his character creation just as much as any of the players, and also how much he allows his world to evolve organically in response to the PCs, which is very difficult to do on that scale and takes a lot of skill to maintain to the minute level that Essek as a character exemplifies.

[junker-town]

‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Pilot Pete already in the danger zone after one week

ABC

Also, could Hannah B. be back?

In a frenzy of sequins, sex jokes, and make-outs, The Bachelor returned to our screens with [extremely Chris Harrison voice] the most dramatic season premiere in history. Peter Weber aka Pete the Pilot aka Pete the Make Out Bandit not only met the 30 women that would be vying for his heart, but also went on his first group date, first one-on-one date, and extended an invitation to his ex, Hannah.

Hannah, who unceremoniously dumped Peter after their windmill-fueled fantasy suite date, showed up to wish our dapper pilot good luck and return the set of wings he gave her when they first met. She later returns to host the world’s most awkward group date (they’re going to tell sex stories to a room of hostages live audience), and there are a lot of tears and running mascara.

But before all of the dates and the crying, there was the Parade of Ladies and, of course, some crying.

I’d make fun of the women getting out of a limo and saying “oh, he’s perfect” after watching him on TV and talking to him briefly, but I’m pretty sure I’ve said the same after watching Tom Holland on the press junket for Avengers: Endgame.

As expected, there were a LOT of terribly uncomfortable sex jokes — mostly revolving around Peter and Hannah’s windmill experience last season — and a handful of flying puns. One of the suitors, Alayah, presented Pete with a note from her grandmother, Rose, which was by far the cutest gimmick of the night.

A lot of wine was consumed, a lot of women were kissed, and a lot of people said “can I steal you for a second” before Pete eventually sent home eight women.

First Group Date

Marine Corps pilot Katie Cook (the first female pilot with the Blue Angels) and Marine Corps C-130 pilot Alisa Johnson oversaw a date that was offensive to aviation. Both pilots are now reservists and came out to run the women through some sort of diet flight school where they were asked a series of basic math questions. That...didn’t go well for some of them.

Q: How many feet in a mile?

A:

ABC

Has nobody seen ‘Remember the Titans’?

Oooooh. So close.

The women next went for a ride on a gyroscope, which allowed for a hyper dramatic and fantastically edited flashback after Victoria P. said she had a bad experience in a spinning tea cup ride. She would later throw up (in the bathroom off camera, thankfully), but it was worth it for the entertainment value.

They finished with an obstacle course of sorts with Kelley (who had a mysterious happenstance meeting with Pete in a Westlake, CA hotel before filming started) blatantly cheating to win some one-on-one time with our pilot.

This is the best show on television and you can’t convince me otherwise #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/Hkodesj1rR

— Bachelor Party (@BachPartyPod) January 7, 2020

Kelley, an attorney, later defends herself at the evening portion of the date by saying, “I didn’t know the rules were going to be that strict.” A LAYWER. THIS WOMAN IS A LAWYER. She would go on to also take the group date rose, ensuring we get another week of Kelley- and-Peter make-outs.

One-On-One Date

Madison got the one-on-one date, and Pete took her to his parents’ vow renewal. Look. The date was super cute, they clearly have chemistry, and Pete’s family is frickin’ adorable. This date was also horribly boring and they finished with one of the patented Bachelor awkward solo concerts.

Moving on.

Second Group Date

This is where things get good. IS THAT HANNAH B’S MUSIC AGAIN?

Pete takes a group of ladies to a theater where Hannah B. meets them and regales them with the windmill story before telling them about the aforementioned requirement to share embarrassing sex stories with strangers. As the ladies scatter to come up with the content that will likely make their next face-to-face with their families super awful, Hannah B. and Pete get to talking backstage.

She expressed regret for the way things ended (reminder: she chose Jed over Pete, and turned out Jed had a girlfriend), and Pete asked Hannah B. if she wanted to join the party and compete for his heart. There was a LOT of crying and no waterproof mascara in sight.

ABC

I don’t think Hannah will end up coming back to the Bachelor Mansion as she was mid-Dancing With the Stars at this point — a show she would go on to win — but this drama will carry over to next week.

On to the superlatives!

Most likely reason your flight was delayed - Selfies with your pilot

I hope Pilot Pete shows up to the airport well before he’s supposed to now, because apparently he can’t get through the concourse without stopping for numerous selfies. I can hear the announcement already.

[PA scratches] Flight Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin boarding flight D329 to Milwaukee shortly. We, ah, are waiting on one of the pilots, who, ah, according to Instagram, is somewhere in the airport taking selfies near the Chick-Fil-A in Terminal B.

ABC

Most aggressive intro video - Alexa

Alexa is an esthetician, and her bio video opens with her staring out over the Chicago River talking about how she loves to care for people. It looks like she’s delivering a baby, but suddenly the voiceover declares “...and I wax vaginas for a living!”

Well, alright then!

ABC

The bigger question is: Who is the woman getting waxed? How do you get approached about that? Was she excited for her debut on The Bachelor? Do you get paid for that? Is your waxing session at least covered?

Most likely to get Salmonella - Victoria P.

DON’T EAT THE COOKIE DOUGH, VICTORIA.

ABC

Worst Xs and Os - Madison’s dad, Chad Prewett

Madison, an Auburn grad, is the son of Chad Prewett, the current Director of Operations for Auburn Men’s Basketball. He previously worked as the special assistant to head coach Bruce Pearl, and Coach Pearl is well aware of Madison’s participation in the series.

Bruce Pearl just told me the daughter of one of his assistants is on The Bachelor this season. I’ve never seen the show, but safe to say the Tigers now have an interesting subplot to their season.

— Matt Norlander (@MattNorlander) January 7, 2020

Madison will likely stick around a long time, but you have to ask some questions about Pop’s plan to attack the paint. Despite having a history at Auburn with scouting opponents and running the Tigers’ zone defense, Coach Prewett drew this up for Madison:

ABC

First of all, that’s far too many defenders. Second of all, if the other suitors are playing a packed-in zone, I wouldn’t recommend driving the lane. Instead, take that shot over the top of the D, man. Madison is fully capable:

Casually aiming for Pilot Pete’s heart like… #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/URIJD3Q8Np

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 7, 2020

Best aviation pun - Eunice

Poor, sweet Eunice was one of three flight attendants in the group of ladies, and one of three flight attendants that didn’t make it past the first night. Eunice, however, will forever be remembered for her top-notch flying-Bachelor pun as she declared, “I’m here for the flight reasons.”

Aren’t we all? ✈️ #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/sB4Lh8LmRD

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 7, 2020

Most likely to have Peter’s heart and also be absolutely hated in the house - Hannah Ann

Hannah Ann had a busy first half of the premiere:

Asked him if he had room for another Hannah in his heart

Got one-on-one time with him not once, not twice, but THREE times

Gave Peter a hand-painted picture

Referred to herself in the third person

Got the coveted First Impression Rose

Pissed off every girl in the house in the process

Here’s Hannah Ann’s IDGAF face:

ABC

Most petty - Natasha

Natasha’s time with Pete was interrupted by Mykenna with the latter throwing small paper planes at them (GET IT? THEY’RE PLANES...HE’S A PILOT). Natasha returned the favor by tracking down the gigantic paper airplane Madison brought as her prop when she arrived (GET IT? IT’S A PLANE...HE’S A PILOT). It was absolute perfection.

Natasha’s pettiness is the energy I’m trying to bring into 2020 #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/twT2Y2ryR8

— Brett S. Vergara (@BrettSVergara) January 7, 2020

Worst first night in the mansion - Victoria F.

Here’s how Victoria F.’s night went:

Met Peter and badly told a terrible sex joke that she was clearly too embarrassed to tell

Found out she wasn’t the only Victoria

Finally got one-on-one time with Peter, where it was clear he barely remembered their first interaction and then asked her to re-tell the terrible sex joke that she was clearly too embarrassed to tell

Gets interrupted

Cries in a hallway

She did, however, get a rose and went on the group date that made my former Naval Aviator self cringe at every moment.

Gone Too Soon:

Maurissa Kylie Eunice Megan Katrina Jade Avonlea Jenna