#a turtle while hunting with spark the VERY NEXT day

[cannedchipps]

WHY AM I SUDDENLY SO LUCKY IN CATTAILS

[charincharge]

Cruel Summer, Part 6

cruel summer masterlist

AN: Today was ~dramatic~ -- I woke up to learn that someone was posting this fic on AO3 and passing it off as their own. It was a BUMMER, to say the least, and it really threw me off. I haven’t posted fic in a decade, and I was really using this as a fun way to remember how much I loved writing (since doing it professionally can seriously zap the fun out of it). And hearing that someone stole my work made me incredibly upset and feel generally violated. I know it’s just fic, but... I work hard to write it and don’t think it’s too much to ask to receive the credit for it? I hope this chapter doesn’t reflect that because I was really excited for this one! Anyway. TL;DR, I ended up creating an AO3 page, so no one can post FOR me moving forward. I’ve updated my Masterlist page accordingly. And please don’t plagiarize, guys, it’s not cool. Okay. Enough of that negativity. Let’s get back to the important things. Like Rowan.

Rain pelts against Rowan’s window, casting a dark, ominous hue over his bedroom. His first real day off from work, and it’s storming outside, naturally. He’d planned to take it easy and go to the beach, maybe go for a long run. But it looks like that’s not happening now. He knows he’s being punished. This is the universe’s way of intervening and letting him know how shitty he is. Rowan can’t shake the image of Aelin’s hurt face. It is seared into his brain. And there’s only one way to get it out.

Rowan lounges back into his pillows and opens his laptop before typing in Aelin Ashryver into his internet browser. Her Facebook profile pops up immediately, but it’s set to Friends Only, and Rowan definitely isn’t brave enough to add her as a friend. Her Instagram appears next, and Rowan nearly jumps for joy that it’s a public profile.

The first picture is of the back of her head, her blonde hair piled high on top of her head in a messy bun, with tendrils curling around the nape of her neck, overlooking her balcony and the view of the ocean beyond. She’s back, bitches the caption reads, and Rowan can’t help but chuckle. Next is Aelin with her entire family at the head of Ashryver Playland in a picturesque pose with the caption Favorite place with my favorite people (minus @dorhav118 who gets in TOMORROW!!!!). The corners of Rowan’s lips curl downward as his curiosity gets the better of him, and he clicks on Dorian’s profile.

Rowan rolls his eyes at Dorian’s bio: “Hot as a pistol, but cool inside.”

His heart tugs at seeing the first picture. It’s from the pool party the other day, when Aelin was still in her white dress. She’s laughing at something Dorian said, her eyes closed tightly, glass of champagne in her hand, while Dorian smizes into the camera. Reunited and it feels so good <3

“Who kicked your puppy?” Manon asks from the doorway, and Rowan slams his laptop shut.

“No one.”

A wicked grin appears on her face as she stalks into Rowan’s room and slides onto the bed next to him. “I have a pretty good idea.”

Rowan sighs as Manon reaches over and opens the laptop back up, her long nails clacking against the keyboard. “Just as I thought.” She looks Rowan over, from the bags under his eyes to his hair, messy from constantly running his hands through it. “We’re going out.”

Rowan looks out the window at the torrential downpour and gray skies. “Out? In that? Where?”

“I don’t know,” Manon admits, “But I’m not letting you mope and stalk Aelin all day. It’s pathetic, and below you, to be frank. There’s got to be something we can do in this godforsaken town when it rains.”

It turns out there’s not that many options for what to do when it rains in the small beach town. Mostly everything is outdoors or beach oriented. But Manon decides that the aquarium is a good indoor activity, and it happens to be next to a brewery – for when they get bored. The pair Uber there, not wanting to deal with the hassle of worrying about sobering up. If Rowan’s not allowed to mope and be pathetic at home, he’s going to do today right. And do it drunk.

Despite it being one of the few indoor activities available, the aquarium is fairly deserted when Manon and Rowan arrive. It’s dark and damp and cool and strangely soothing, and Rowan lets Manon lead the way. She heads immediately for the reptile room, thrilled to see the alligators and lizards and snakes. Somehow Rowan isn’t surprised by this development.

They branch off into a small Amazon Rainforest room, filled with frogs and fish and even more snakes on low hanging branches, and Rowan nearly jumps out of skin when a large bird caws in his direction.

“I fucking hate birds,” he grumbles as Manon cackles in delight. “Can’t we see… cuter animals? Like, turtles and seals or some shit?”

Manon rolls her eyes and leads him straight to the shark tank. It’s open, so they can lean over it and look at the giant creatures. Rowan grits his teeth, only slightly terrified at the image of the fin cutting through the surface of the water.

“You know what you’re feeling is totally false,” Manon comments casually.

“Huh?” Rowan says, trying to maintain his calm façade.

“Sharks aren’t predators of humans. That’s the Jaws effect in action. It completely changed our perception of sharks and actually sparked a hunting frenzy that has put sharks in danger, even though they were just an important part of the ecosystem. Fuck you, Spielberg.” 

Manon purses her darkly painted lips and twirls her white blonde hair, leaning over the tank further. Rowan shakes his head at his roommate, who looks like she wants to reach into the water and pet the fucking things. He’s never seen her so affected before. 

“Why are you like this?” he asks, and she laughs.

“You’re not thinking about her anymore, though, are you?”

Rowan flicks her off. “I wasn’t.”

“A few more rooms will get you right back to that terrified place and not thinking about her at all. Don’t you worry.” She winks and leads him into an incredibly dark room, which is only lit up with glowing jellyfish. Manon is right, and within a few minutes, Rowan is feeling calm again. He lets the dark and schools of weird underwater creatures soothe him, and after they finish at the aquarium, Rowan is grateful he let Manon drag him out of the house.

“Beer?” she asks, and Rowan nods readily.

“I think I earned it.”

“Shut up, you fucking loved it. Think we should get a fish tank?” she asks, and Rowan shakes his head immediately. Manon is strange enough without tending to creatures from the deep in their apartment.

They brave the rain, realizing they both forgot umbrellas, and make a mad dash down the street. Rain soaks Rowan’s shirt, but he feels light. They duck into the brewery, and Rowan shakes out his hair, spraying water all over Manon, like a wet dog. He’s never seen her look so horrified.

“You’re lucky I set my makeup, so it’s immoveable every day,” she says with narrowed eyes. “First round’s on you, asshole.”

Rowan orders them two beers fairly quickly, despite the brewery being packed with patrons (he guesses this is where everyone goes when it rains). But when he turns around to hand Manon her drink, he’s surprised to see her mid-conversation with the very last person he wants to see.

“Rowan!” Dorian calls him over with a wide smile, and Rowan grimaces as he joins them. “I was just introducing myself to your stunning roommate,” Dorian says, and Manon rolls her eyes. But Rowan knows she’s beaming internally with the praise. Manon knows she’s beautiful and doesn’t let anyone forget it, despite her lack of interest in men.

“Uh, hey, Dorian, right?” Rowan says, pretending like he wasn’t just browsing the man’s Instagram profile merely hours ago.

Dorian laughs heartily. “Rowan, come on. We’re friends. Any friend of Aelin’s is a friend of mine.” He grins again, and Rowan can’t help but stare at his incredibly white teeth. He wonders if he whitens them. He must, because no one’s teeth are that naturally white. Or straight.

“Come sit with us!” Dorian points to their table where Aelin sits with the same two people from last night.

“Sure!” Manon says, the same time Rowan says “NO!” emphatically.

“Come on,” Dorian pleads. “We have a big table, and the place is packed. You’ll be lucky to find standing room otherwise. Please, Aelin would be horrified if I let you leave without saying hi.”

Rowan’s stomach churns, but he feels trapped. He can’t say no. “Lead the way,” he says, and Dorian smiles another blinding smile.

“Great.”

He leads them to their table, and to say that Aelin looks shocked to see Rowan approach would be an understatement.

“Look who I found!” Dorian exclaims, gesturing to Rowan and Manon, who stand next to the table awkwardly. “Chaol, Nesryn – these are two of Aelin’s friends, Rowan and Manon.”

The brunette dude, Chaol, gives Rowan a tight smile and short head nod, but the woman, Nesryn, stands and shakes both their hands politely.

Rowan and Manon slide into the two empty seats, and of course Rowan is directly across from Aelin. She looks at him curiously as he takes a large sip of his beer.

“So, how do you know Aelin?” Chaol asks, breaking the awkward silence.

“Rowan works at the park,” Dorian explains. “And Chaol is Aelin’s ex-boyfriend and my other best friend,” Dorian chuckles.

“It’s not as awkward as it sounds,” Chaol says with a laugh.

Aelin squints her eyes and looks at Chaol. “Mmm… it kind of is.”

Manon snorts. “You’re a handful, aren’t you?” she says, leaning toward Aelin, and Aelin flips her golden hair over her shoulder and shrugs.

“Two handfuls, thank you very much,” she says and feels herself up, showing how her chest spills over her hand, too much for one to grasp fully.

“Aelin!” Chaol chides, and Rowan can feel heat creep up the back of his neck as he stares at Aelin’s ample cleavage as she lifts it up.

Dorian cackles, his laugh piercing through the room as he tips his head back. He reminds Rowan of Manon when he does it, so amused with others’ discomfort.

Rowan glances back at Aelin’s chest, and when he looks up, she’s staring back at him, one brow raised in question. He immediately finishes the rest of his beer, downing it in one gulp.

“I need more beer. Anyone else?” Rowan asks, and to his surprise, Chaol stands and offers to come with him.

The pair stand side by side at the bar, waiting for their drinks, and Rowan is unsure of what to say to his current crush’s former paramour.

“So…” Chaol begins, and Rowan cocks an eyebrow at him as he leans against the bar. “You were at The Mason Jar last night,” Chaol says, naming the dive bar where he’d met up with the guys the night prior. “Aelin booked it to the bar when she saw you,” Chaol continues. “You guys, like, a thing?” he asks, curiosity seeping through his anything but innocent question.

“What?” Rowan says, bowled over. “No. Uh. Not at all.” Rowan is more than flustered. “I thought she and Dorian were…”

And at that Chaol tips his head back and guffaws. A deep, full-body belly laugh, erupts from his mouth. “Dorian?” he gapes, his brown eyes wide with disbelief. “And Aelin?” He shakes his head. “No. No no no. Never.” Chaol pauses. “They kissed once when they were thirteen, but other than that. No. Dorian is her person. Which is why it could never work between us, even though we tried for five fucking years,” he sighs and scratches the back of his neck uncomfortably. “But, no. They’re definitely not.” Chaol looks at Rowan, and Rowan feels like he’s seeing through him completely. Chaol smiles softly. “You really thought? Hmmm.”

Rowan is stunned. Seriously stunned. He has no idea how to react. Or how to process this new information. Dorian and Aelin are not dating? They’re just… friends? So, Aelin is available? And has been flirting with Rowan for the past week, and Rowan just shot her down? Rowan rubs his forehead with his hand, which he thinks is the only thing stopping him from banging his head against the bar in shame. Rowan is an idiot.

An idiot who needs to apologize to Aelin. Immediately.

“This was, uh… enlightening,” Rowan says as he accepts his drink from the bartender, and Chaol can’t help but laugh again.

“Did you do something stupid?” he asks cheekily.

“So stupid,” Rowan says, shaking his head.

“Yeah, she was kind of in a mood after she came back from talking to you,” Chaol says, and Rowan groans. Chaol holds up his hands in surrender. “Just trying to help!”

Rowan turns to him fully and examines the brunette with his concerned brown eyes and has to ask, “Not to be rude, but why?”

“Because Aelin deserves to be happy,” he says resolutely. “And I kept her from being happy for a really long time because I’m a selfish bastard,”Chaol admits way too freely. “But, how could I not?”

“You still love her,” Rowan says, and Chaol shrugs.

“I think once you love Aelin you always love her. For better or worse.”

Rowan motions to the table. “I’m gonna…”

Chaol smirks. “Yeah, get to it.”

But back at the table, Aelin and Dorian are nowhere to be found. Manon sighs, obvious to Rowan’s distress.

“She went to sign up for karaoke.”

“Oh no…” Rowan groans.

“Oh, yes,” Aelin says, bounding back to the table, exuberant.

“Don’t worry. I signed you up, too, Rowan,” Dorian says with a grin.

Aelin frowns, her eyes filled with apology. “I told him not to.”

Dorian rolls his eyes. “And I told her that if Rowan wants to hang with us this summer, he’s gotta get initiated.”

“It’s fine,” Rowan says, smiling in what he hopes is a nice and not creepy way to Aelin. She looks momentarily confused, but she doesn’t have time to think about it because she’s called up to do her song with Dorian almost immediately.

The pair sing “Shallow” flawlessly. And now that Rowan knows they aren’t dating, he can see their friendship all too clearly. Aelin and Dorian love each other fiercely; their passion rages through everything they do, but it lacks a spark. It’s platonic, Rowan finally realizes. He’s been such a fucking fool.

Rowan’s name gets called next, and his stomach is is knots, wondering what song they’ve chosen for him. When he gets to the front, though, he nearly laughs. They’ve chosen a song he could sing with his eyes completely closed.

Shorty get down, good lord… baby’s got ‘em up all over town…

Strictly biz she don’t play around, cover much ground, got game by the pound

Getting paid is her forte

Each and every day, true player way

I can’t get her out of my mind

Think about the girl all the time…

He knows the song is comeuppance for calling Aelin friendly last night, but he crushes it nonetheless, singing his heart out, performing for the masses. When Rowan finishes, the crowds go wild, applauding like crazy.

He sees Aelin bolt from the table before he can get back off the stage, and decides to follow her. She heads down the long hall back to the bathrooms, and his long stride helps him catch up quickly.

“Aelin!” he shouts, and he’s grateful that she pauses, but her arms are crossed over her chest, a clear defensive stance that tells him to keep his distance.

“What?” she snips, obviously pissed. They haven’t actually interacted with each other since last night, and Rowan knows she has every right to be angry with him. “I thought you wanted nothing to do with me? What are you even doing here, Rowan?”

“I’m an idiot,” he blurts out, and he can see Aelin’s face morph from pissed to amused. She bites her lip to hold back her smile.

“I mean, I know that, but why do you think that?” she says, her blue gold eyes glowing with challenge. He takes a step closer to her, and she backs up until she can’t back up anymore, pressed against the side of the hall. He pauses his approach, not wanting to make her feel cornered. If she wants space between them, he’ll let her have space.

“I was so out of line last night,” Rowan apologizes. “You were right. You were just trying to be friendly. I was being a dick. I thought…” Rowan pauses. He doesn’t want to be this tongue tied, but she flusters him, and he can’t get anything out how he wants to. “It’s not harassment when I want to be touched. By you.”

Aelin’s eyes narrow. She looks suspicious as she examines him. 

“I knew I was good at karaoke, but damn, I didn’t anticipate this kind of turnaround…” Aelin smirks and takes a breath, and Rowan risks taking another step forward. She holds up a hand and presses it against Rowan’s chest. He didn’t realize how close he’d gotten to her. Warmth from her palm seeps through his shirt, and he breathes heavily. She looks up into his eyes with curiosity.

“Seriously, what changed your mind?” she asks.

“If I say Chaol’s name right now it’s just going to make things weird,” Rowan says, dipping his head slightly, and he can’t help but notice her tilt her head up to him. He zeroes in on her lips, leaning down to get even closer.

“You’re right,” she says with a soft laugh. “You were still a jerk.” Her eyes flick to his lips, and Rowan darts his tongue out to wet them. 

“I know,” he breathes softly. “And I mentioned I was an idiot, right?”

Aelin nods and leans in to close the gap between them, the charge, the magnetism between them now palpable, strumming through Rowan’s body, pulling him downward. 

“Hey guysss,” Dorian drawls as he walks past them quickly, and Rowan straightens up suddenly. Aelin darts under his arm, freeing herself from being backed into the wall. He sees her take a large breath. “I was wondering where you’d gone.” Dorian looks between them, and then grabs his stomach. “I have to pee so bad. Don’t mind me!” He continues down the hall. “As you were!”

Rowan goes to finish his apology, but the moment is gone, and so is Aelin. He needs a moment to compose himself, and when he makes it back to the table, she’s already deep in conversation with Manon and Chaol and Nesryn about the latest karaoke performance. Apparently in his absence someone murdered “Bohemian Rhapsody” and not in a good way. But Aelin acknowledges Rowan’s presence with a flash of a smile, despite not breaking her conversation.

Manon side eyes Rowan suspiciously, and Rowan brushes her off. He’s not ready to talk about whatever just did or did not happen in that hallway.

Their chatter is aimless but pleasant as afternoon bleeds into evening, and eventually they all decide to disperse and head home. Rowan never gets a chance to speak to Aelin alone again, but when he and Manon are in their Uber heading home, his phone flashes with a Friend Request from Aelin Ashryver.

“Hmm,” Manon hums pointedly as Rowan bites back a smile. He spends the rest of the night in bed, scrolling through Aelin’s social media. As he’d originally planned to do with his day. Only now, he doesn’t feel as mopey or pathetic. He lets the rain, still relentless, lull him to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~

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[ducktracy]

146. don’t look now (1936)

release date: november 7th, 1936

series: merrie melodies

director: tex avery

starring: tex avery (egbert), berneice hansell (cathleen, bear cubs), tommy bond (devil, cupid cuckoo bird), martha wentworth (woman woodpecker), billy bletcher (devil cuckoo bird)

the first of quite a few cartoons where tex avery has supplied his own voice. the only other directors i can think of who have done voices in cartoons are bob clampett (who was also the source of the famous BEOWIP/BOIP sound effects) and cal howard (who would voice gabby in clampett’s get rich quick porky. ironically, tex avery would supply his laugh in a cal howard and cal dalton cartoon, porky’s phoney express.) regardless—it’s valentine’s day, and cupid is itching to do some matchmaking. but, as isaac newton taught us, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. in this case, a little devil is the opposite reaction, ready to break some hearts.

it’s valentine’s day, as indicated by a valentine card popping up on the screen reading “will you be my valentine?” fade to a beautiful layout of dan cupid’s humble abode, a fittingly heart shaped home, mailbox... even the butterflies flittering about have noticeably heart shaped wings. the interior is no different than the exterior: cupid’s asleep in his heart shaped bed, when a heart shaped cuckoo bird pops out of a heart shaped cuckoo clock, calling “time’s a-wastin’!”

cupid wakes up in an instant and bounds over to his exposed shower (reminiscent of a chemical shower in your local biology lab), quickly dousing himself one water and toweling off. he pulls his arrow holder out from the umbrella stand, tearing off a page of the calendar. “well! st. valentine’s day! my big day!” a cute and clever visual as cupid heads outside, right to his garden, where rows of arrows sprout up from the soil. cupid grabs his lawn mower and makes his way across the field, the arrows neatly piling into his holster over his head.

a good bit of personality is exuded as cupid prepares for the big day with some target practice. first, he shoves a pile of playing cards inside a toaster. he pulls the lever down with his foot, and as he engages in his airborne game of 52 pickup, he shoots numerous arrows at the cards, pinning them all against a tree in the shape of a heart, with an ace of hearts right in the middle. to further display some naïve pride (bordering cockiness), cupid fires an arrow through a hole in the tree, the arrow curving and returning to him through a hollow log. placing an apple on his head in the meantime, cupid still manages to hit his target successfully. and for good measure, he engages in a quick round of a duck shooting carnival game. he pings all of his wooden ducks down in an instant, save for one, who panics and attempts to flee the arrow. nevertheless, he too gets hit. an amusing gag with a good balance of cute and funny. satisfied, cupid embarks, leaving a sign on his front gate that reads GONE HUNTING.

meanwhile, we have a very clever parallel with a strong sense of juxtaposition. now focus on a little devil cherub, whose house is almost exactly like cupid’s, though adorned with foreboding, “evil” furniture, including an asbestos pillow. his cuckoo clock, a boiler, opens up to reveal a billy bletcher voiced bird who announces “crime marches on!” the devil awakens and hops out of his bed, which is actually one giant frying pan (or burner, or grill, or whatever you want to call it.) he too takes a shower, bathing in the cool, refreshing red hot flames pouring out of the shower head. already the parallels are humorous and clever, heightened by how obvious they are. the devil repeats the same calendar shtick as cupid, declaring “well! st. valentine’s day! my big day!” outside, the devil’s mood isn’t nearly as cheery as cupid. he scoffs at the audience, kicking a line of cans with malice as he trudges along. “aw, this valentine day gag is the bomb! love, kisses, sweethearts, sissy stuff!”

regardless of opinion on valentine’s day, it’s undeniable that love is in the air, as displayed by two flirtatious turtles, the guy begging for the girl’s affection. thankfully, cupid is just around the corner. cupid launches into “don’t look now”, detailing about how happy lovebirds will be once struck with his fated arrows. while the doting turtle is in the midst of a maurice chevalier impression, his girl gets struck by cupid’s arrow, and suddenly reciprocates his feelings, literally diving into the frontside of the turtle’s shell. smooth and highly amusing animation as the two turtles swing around together in one turtle shell envelope, picking up the lyrics. a gag that would be similarly used to a higher degree in tortoise wins by a hare, the two lovebirds walk side by side in the shell, both going inside and popping out the other end, now walking on their hands, their heads sticking out where their tail(s) should be and their legs where the head(s) should be. very smooth and subtle animation. i’m not too great with my animator indemnifications this early, but i’d guess chuck jones animated this scene, seeing how fluid it is.

jolly little cupid sings a few more bars, when the devil joins in, ready to spread his own love. two yokel bears bashfully dote on a log, ripe for the devil’s picking. the male bear (named egbert), voiced by tex avery, guffaws “will ya—gosh, huh huh, will ya—“, interrupted by berneice hansell’s squeaky voice urging him to go on. just in time for the devil to swoop in, whispering in the girl’s ear: “will ya go sit on a tack, ya old horse face?”

it seems there was either a cut made here, or just a startlingly awkward transition as we jump cut to the devil laughing, the woman and the log out of screen. “i’ve got something here that’ll fix these lovesick mugs! take a gander at this!” the devil takes off his bowler hat and shows off the inside contents: blonde hairs, lipstick, bobby pins, and even a garter, all tucked away in little pouches pinned inside the hat. delightfully scandalous and just a great premise in general.

elsewhere, a woodpecker knocks on the door of a quaint little tree home (with his beak, of course.) out steps a lady woodpecker (presumably his wife), to which the husband holds up a card, nudging his sweetie. “hey, how do ya like to be my valentine, kiddo?” “do ya mean it?” “yes, i mean it!” the wife looks at the audience. “should i tell him?” just then, the devil pops up behind the man’s shoulder, gingerly placing a strand of blonde hair on his coat. the giant, oval shaped eyes of the devil give this scene away as bob clampett animation. the lovebirds embrace... but not for long. the wife takes note of the hair and grows rightfully furious, throwing a barrage of pots and pans at her double crossing husband. cupid happens to be strolling by, noticing the clamor. a simple fire of the arrow and the wife is back to her loving self, both woodpeckers happily kissing as they repeatedly peck each others beaks with hilarious speeds (and great jackhammer sound effects), so powerful that both of their beaks become bent and crumpled.

cupid’s next victim is a forlorn skunk, moping on a tree trunk. cupid pings her with his arrow, and in no time the little skunk is as giddy as ever. she saunters up to the local stand selling valentines, cooing “hello boys!” in an instant, the crowd disperses, leaving the poor skunk all to herself. tex avery would base a whole cartoon on the unsuccessful love lives of skunks with his short lil ‘tinker at MGM in 1948. to gain the affections of the girls, ‘tinker puts on his best frank sinatra impression, and the bobbysoxers swarm in droves.

back to egbert, the hayseed bear who desperately attempts to woo back his snooty girlfriend cathleen, strutting by with her nose in the air while he insist she’s got him in the wrong. cupid comes to the rescue once more, pinging both bears with his arrows. timing is hilariously succinct as they both pause a beat, dumbfounded, and then instantly exclaim “LET’S GET MARRIED!” with that, they rush away to prepare for the big celebration.

after a time card that simply states “so—“, egbert strolls up to the front door of cathleen’s house, now donning a snazzy suit. he knocks on the door. “are ya ready, sweetie?” “just a minute!” cathleen may not be ready, but the devil sure is. he goes full out, tossing hairs, garters, bobby pins, lipstick marks, you name it. cathleen opens the door, sporting her wedding dress, when she finds her husband to be decked in every scandalous clue imaginable. a closeup reveals even more dirty yet fantastic details: panty hose, burlesque tickets, a phone number, a garter, and a face covered in lipstick. the entire situation is amplified in humor as egbert is completely unaware of his appearance. cathleen prepares to wallop egbert over the head with her bouquet, but another arrow from an offscreen cupid sends her down on egbert instead, practically sucking his face off.

the devil is absolutely fed up with cupid’s meddling. “aw, hey, what’s the gag of ruining my fun!? ya sissy!” he three stooges (i’m coining that as a verb now) cupid, poking him in the eyes and slapping him silly, picking him up above his head and twirling him around before slamming him to the ground and sitting on top, pulling cupid’s leg as he cries out in pain. in retaliation, cupid fashions the devil’s tail like an arrow, shooting him with his bow and sending the devil flying into a tree, who curses at cupid incomprehensibly. his work now done, cupid leaves the devil to his miserable, temperamental self.

to quote hank williams, wedding bells are ringing in the chapel as egbert and cathleen march into the church, surrounded by a doting crowd. just as they stroll down the aisle, the devil is finally able to dislodge his tail from the tree, ready to spark mischief. he approaches two kids outside of the church, bribing them each with lollipops. “okey dokey. now, here’s your candy. all you gotta do is go in the church and say...”

we cut to the inside of the church before getting the full gist of the devil’s bribe, which is a lovely choice in set up. the officiator is asking the audience for any objections, while egbert shakes terribly, his legs knocking together in panic. even the organ is silent. no objections. content, egbert and cathleen exchange warm smiles, going in for the kiss, when...

“daddy! daddy! daddy!” the two little bear cubs from before bound into the church, jumping right into a befuddled egbert’s arms. all bets are off on the wedding as cathleen storms out, dismissively throwing the bouquet in egbert’s face. a lovely detail as he still attempts to catch it hopelessly. the devil is absolutely thrilled, laughing in hysterics at his best job yet. unfortunately, he’s finally beat by his nemesis: cupid fires an arrow at the devil, and he too is struck with the love bug, his sour demeanor now replaced as he giddily floats along, grinning in a giant self parody of himself. what i love about tex’s cartoons is that everything feels like a parody of itself. it’s one extreme or the other.

for the final time, cathleen is zinged again with cupid’s arrow, and she rushes back to egbert, kissing him and dragging him back in the church. activities are resumed as normal, the officiator going on like before. “i now pronounce you... uh oh.” he dives into a nearby pew, everyone turning their heads to see what the matter is. no time is wasted as everyone else takes cover, too. now donning a top hat and bib, the devil strolls down the aisle with the little lonely skunk from before. iris out.

a very entertaining cartoon that takes a little while to get momentum, but once it’s there it’s certainly there. it’s not too often you find a valentine’s day cartoon at warner bros (the only other one i can think of is frank tashlin’s the stupid cupid.) this certainly is a non traditional take, and a very good one at that. the scandalous humor was the best part of the short, whether it be the devil decking out egbert in garters and blonde hairs, or convincing two little kids to shout “daddy! daddy!” in the church. while the beginning was a bit slow, the parallels make up for it, and at least contribute some added interest. in all, a cartoon that’s worth watching, especially for the second half.

link!

[rahirah]

Okay, I KNOW you've reblogged that "DVD commentary" meme at some point in your life, so: would you like to do DVD commentary on the opening scene of "My Baby Is A Centerfold"? (Or less detailed commentary on the whole "My Baby Is A Centerfold"?)

My Baby Is A Centerfold DVD Commentary

I wrote this story in 2004, fifteen years ago, so fair warning, I don't recall a lot of the minutiae that went through my head when I was writing it. However, I will do my best!

This was one of the first short stories I wrote set in the same universe as my novel series. I wrote it for the Summer of Spike community over on Livejournal – Summer of Spike was, I believe, the first of the "seasonal" fic communities, and inspired a lot of imitators (including Seasonal Spuffy and Summer of Giles, which are still going to this day) but it only lasted for a couple of rounds. Anyway, someone had recently asked me what happened to the Trio in my 'verse. I already knew that the Trio had started their careers as criminal masterminds while the events of Necessary Evils were going on, and that after NE ends, Warren would try enslaving Katrina in pretty much the same way, Katrina would end up dead, and Warren would try to frame Buffy. Buffy being in a very different frame of mind by this point in my 'verse, while she initially panics at the thought that she accidentally killed someone, Spike and Dawn are able to convince her to investigate first. And of course they discover that Katrina's been dead for several hours, so they call the police and that's when Terminal Line takes place, and Buffy makes first contact with Detective Nguyen, who becomes a recurring NPC and eventually the captain of the Sunnydale PD and is instrumental in Buffy's plan to bring the supernatural out in the open and ANYWAY.

For this story I wanted to do a lighthearted buddy cop sort of thing with Spike and Dawn, and it occurred to me that the Trio would have had to have set up their spy camera system, but since they all got arrested after the Katrina incident, they never had the chance to do anything with the footage. And in my 'verse, some of that footage would have been pretty racy. So what would happen if Buffy and Spike found out about it? The story pretty much wrote itself from there.

I could tell something was wrong the minute I walked in the door. The house had that too-quiet thundercloud feeling about it, and it wasn't just because of the blackout curtains. Buffy was still at the rink, Tara was at her summer job, and Willow was probably asleep (she's not as much of an early riser as Spike is). Normally this means an afternoon of bad TV and junk food with Spike, but the TV wasn't on. Spike always has the TV on.

So this story takes place between Necessary Evils and A Parliament of Monsters, when Spike has moved in with Buffy and Dawn, and Willow and Tara are renting the Summers's basement. It always bugged me that the characters on the show only had to worry about work when the plot required it. When the writers get bored, Buffy can suddenly support a dozen people on a starting school counselor's salary. So while I try not to make a huge deal of it in my 'verse, I do a lot of thinking about how everyone supports themselves. Especially people like Tara, who's sure as hell not getting any money from her family. And with Buffy I wanted to give her a day job that A) she would enjoy, and B) would be flexible with regard to slaying. Which is how she became a skating instructor.

When Spike moved in there was a whole big reshuffling thing, like musical chairs with bedrooms, and Spike ended up getting my old room as an office for Bloody Vengeance Inc., the demon-hunting business he and Anya started. I figured he was probably holed up in there downloading porn or something. Never overlook an opportunity to collect blackmail material is my motto. I dumped my library books on the couch and snuck upstairs with super-Slayer's-sister stealth, which wouldn't do me any good at all if Spike was actually, like, paying attention to his super-keen vampire hearing. Which apparently he wasn't, since I got all the way upstairs without a single physically impossible threat bellowed in my direction.

I had an argument about this with another fic writer once – she felt that Spike threatening Dawn with physical harm was abusive and horrible, and Dawn would be traumatized for life. I pointed out that A) it's canon that Spike does this when he's worried about Dawn's safety, and B) even if you're not a soulless vampire, it's really common for fear in a de facto parental unit to express itself as anger, C) does anyone seriously believe that Spike would ever follow through on any of those over the top threats? Seriously? And D) Dawn canonically blows off said threats and does not appear to actually feel threatened in the slightest. We ended up agreeing to disagree.

Spike was in the office, all right--I could see his hair glowing in the light of the computer monitor. I couldn't see what he was looking at, but whatever it was, it must have been really good, 'cause his eyeballs were practically SuperGlued to the screen. Or maybe really bad, because he looked horrified, not turned on. OK, what horrified William the Bloody? Besides the prospect of squiring Buffy to "Fantasy On Ice?" This I had to see. I rounded Spike's desk and peered over his shoulder. "Hey, mister, you got feelthy pictures?"

If it was Willow? Two clicks of a mouse's tail and whatever was in that window would be closed, password protected, PGP-encrypted, and accessible only through an FTP server in Outer Mongolia. Spike's way better with technology than some vampires I could name, but when he's taken by surprise he still resorts to more primitive methods. He scrambled around in his chair with the panicky flail of a cat falling off a windowsill and slapped a hand across my eyes. "Don't look!" he ordered, about half an octave higher than usual.

This story is full of early 2000s-computer jargon. It's not quite as dated as the show itself, but I give it the ol' college try.

Which meant it was a moral imperative for me to put some of that self-defense training he'd been giving me into practice and kick him in the shins--oh, come on, you'd have done it, too. "Fuck!" Spike yelled. He grabbed for his ankle, overbalanced, and banged his head on the edge of the desk as his chair rolled out from under him. He crashed to the floor, leaving me with a free-and-clear view of the computer.

For someone who's been accused of writing the Everybody Loves Spike Show, I sure have him behave like an idiot a lot.

Now, I want to make it real clear that I'm a sixteen-year-old of the world. I know all about the birds and the bees and the vampires. I've even done a little buzzing myself. And of course I know that my sister and Spike have--well, 'having sex' is way too tame for what they do. Anyway, I know all about The Sex in theory. I also know how sausages are made, in theory. That doesn't mean I'm panting for an up-close at the gooey details of either process. Especially when it involves a grainy RealPlayer file of my very naked sister bouncing up and down on my very naked best-friend-and-platonic-lust-object in Barbie's S&M Playhouse.

I may have written this whole story just to have an excuse to use the term "Barbie's S&M Playhouse."

I may have said something. It may have been 'gleep.' Luckily for my retinas, at that minute Spike lunged up over the edge of the desk and put his fist through the screen. The monitor exploded in a shower of pretty green sparks, and Spike stood there glaring at it all clenchy-jawed and snarly, breathing hard through his teeth. He turned the glare on me. "I swear by all that's unholy, Bit, the next time you sneak up on me like that I'm going to put you in a two-by-three box without benefit of hacksaw!"

Monitors! With! TUBES!!!

I glared right back--no way was he going to make this my fault. "How was I supposed to know you were watching Vampire Pervert Theater 3000?" I snapped. "I thought you were just watching NORMAL porn! Jeez, Spike, if you and Buffy are gonna to videotape your stay in the Satellite of Love, at least--"

I had another discussion with a beta about whether or not Spike would download porn. My argument was "He's a guy." 

Spike vamped out and hurled the monitor clean off the desk and into the wall with a roar (and when I say 'roar,' I don't mean 'loud yell,' I mean 'roar') of "WE DIDN'T BLOODY WELL TAPE IT!"

Wow. I never knew monitors were made up of that many pieces. "You mean you taped it without telling her?" I squeaked.

"NO!" Spike flexed his computer-punching hand (bloody knuckles, shards of glass, v. sexy) and shook off the lumpies. "Someone soon-to-be-departed did! I've never seen the sodding thing before in my life!" He looked really bewildered underneath the homicidal fury.

It's really very interesting to go back and compare Early Barbverse Spike to Late Barbverse Spike in terms of what progress he makes (or doesn't make) in controlling his temper over the course of the series. Hopefully I make the progression believable.

"OK, where did you find it?" I asked. I didn't exactly want to say so, but it occurred to me that maybe Buffy had taped it without telling him. Buffy may play it all Sandra Dee on the outside, but on the inside? Pure Gypsy Rose Lee. She had to keep it all bottled up during The Angel Years, and during The Riley Years she had to be really careful not to break him, and now, well--Exhibit A, currently lying in ten zillion pieces on the floor. "Was the file just sitting on your hard drive, or...?"

Spike looked super-guilty all of a sudden. His head ducked down between his shoulders, vampire ninja turtle style. "Mighthaveclickedonalinksomethin'boutSlayers," he mumbled.

"In other words, you were surfing for Slayer porn?" I folded my arms and settled in for some primo foot-tapping. "Don't you get enough of that at home?"

The interesting thing about the Buffyverse is that the supernatural ISN'T really a secret. Tons of people know about it. It's just no one admits to knowing about it. Which makes my Buffy's job a lot easier when she decides to drag it out of the closet. Which is a roundabout way of saying, if you know where to look, of course there would be Slayer fetish websites.

"I was not! I just...happened on it, like, looking for something else!" Spike is the world's second worst liar (Willow is the winner and still champeen) and he could see I wasn't buying it. "And anyway, it's a bloody good thing I did! Christ knows how long that's been out there for any spotty little deviant with their mum's credit card number to--" His eyes went Inuyasha-huge as fresh horror overtook him. "How long has it been out there?"

Barbverse Dawn is a Sesshumaru fangirl for sure.

"I'm more worried about who the cameraman was," I said. Spiders walked up my spine for a second. "I mean, that was your bedroom, right?"

Two seconds later we burst in through the door of Mom's old room, now Buffy and Spike's House of Ill Repute. I dove for the closet and Spike ripped open the door of the big old mahogany wardrobe he'd dragged over from the crypt. (But he didn't go inside, because as everyone knows, it's very foolish to shut yourself inside a wardrobe.) I stared at the crush of cute tops and kicky boots, ooh, I bet Buffy won't miss this one, she hasn't worn it in weeks... "How many shoes does she OWN?" I pulled a box free and the whole Leaning Tower Of Gucci collapsed on me.

My fic is usually a game of Spot the Narnia Reference

"Stop larking about," Spike growled, grabbing my feebly waving hand and yanking me out of the sea of footwear. "By the angle it's got to be around here somewhere..." He did one of those effortless vampire leaps and chinned himself on the top of the wardrobe, peering over the facade of wooden curlicues on the top. "Got the bastard!" He snaked one arm over the rim and jerked something small and black free, and dropped back to the floor with a thump. "What the hell...?"

It was a tiny, palm-sized camera with a little antenna sticking out of the top. Witness the creepiness. "I'm freaking out here," I said, plopping down on the bed. "Someone actually broke into our house and hid that up there!"

Spike snarled and closed his fist, and the camera joined the monitor in Electronics Heaven before I could yell, "Wait, that's evidence!"

"Not any more, it's not."

"It could lead us back to whoever planted it," I said impatiently. "We could have woken Willow up and had her...I don't know, do something technical."

This is why Spike needs Dawn around. She's the criminal mastermind in the family.

"Point." Spike shoved his lower lip out and scowled. "If there's one, there may be more. In fact, there's got to be."

I blinked. "How can you tell?"

He looked guilty and embarrassed again. "Ah, well, you see, the web site said...

For a guy supposedly unable to feel remorse, Spike does guilty and embarrassed very well.

*****

"Oh, as they say, my God." Xander stared at the tiny repeating clip with sick fascination. "'The Hottest Slayer in a Century Meets The Coolest Vampire Ever, and Guess Who Gets Staked! Sizzling Action With Cold, Dead Seed!' And this is just the teaser. You can order a whole DVD, only $49.99. Hours of fun for the whole family."

I am pretty sure that Jonathan got Andrew to write that advertising copy.

"Well, I must say both of you have excellent technique," Anya said with an approving nod. "And Spike has a large and well-formed penis, though personally I prefer circumcised men. But I can certainly understand why you're upset if you're not getting your rightful share of the profits."

"Spike, could you cool it with the growly noises?" Willow asked, her fingers flying over the keyboard. "It's distracting. OK, there's definitely more cameras... six at least. The Magic Box, the skating rink, Spike's crypt...this one's dead... Directory, directory, who's got the root directory...hah! Xander, hand me that Unicode list."

I actually researched what all Willow would have had to do to hack into and take over the camera network. I've forgotten it all now, but for about five minutes there, my skilz were l33t.

"What I still don't get is why someone bothered to break into our house and plant cameras," I said from the opposite end of the dining room table. I was staying as far away from follow-the-bouncing-Buffy as possible. "Especially considering Spike would have ripped their heads off if he'd caught them, and Buffy would have gotten REALLY mean. If you want to make a sex film, why not just go over to one of the frat houses on campus and hire a couple of college students?"

"I hate to say it, Dawnie, but I don't think they were making a porn film." Xander tore himself away from Willow's laptop. "This is surveillance camera footage. Someone's been spying on Buffy, and the porn film is just a happy byproduct."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Willow muttered. She picked up one of the larger camera fragments with a pair of tweezers. "Look, it's all dusty, and the battery pack was dead. This hasn't worked for weeks, maybe months. Do we have any toner cartridges we could break open? I think we could use the toner as fingerprint powder, and if whoever installed these left any prints, and if Spike didn't smudge them all up with his macho camera-crushing..."

This was back when printer cartridges had loose toner in them.  I had just come off working for a place where we bough giant bags of loose toner and refilled our own cartridges because it was cheaper, and by God, that stuff got EVERYWHERE.

"Oh, right, blame the victim," Spike groused. "Christ, I need a fag." He stomped over to the kitchen door, and I got up and followed him out to the back porch, which was in shadow at this time of day. He lit a cigarette and stood there puffing furiously, all formal and stiff, and it weirded me out. I mean, Spike doesn't just walk or stand or sit. Spike struts and lounges and sprawls and tucks his thumbs in his belt all "Hi, I'm Spike, and this is my crotch!"

On the other hand, somewhere underneath Spike, Vampire Sex God, is still a guy who grew up when ankles were an erogenous zone. "Spike...are you OK?"

"Didn't want you to see that," he said at last. "Not right. Not proper."

He looked absolutely miserable. Any other time I'd have patted his shoulder, but I figured I'd better roll my eyes instead. I leaned against the side of the house, ultra-cool and sophisticated and untroubled by the certain knowledge of Naked Spike a mere two layers of cloth away. "It's OK. Honest. It's not like I've never seen a naked guy before--"

So in my verse, as in canon, Dawn had a crush on Spike. And she knows perfectly well that Spike's in love with her sister, and doesn't see her that way. And she loves her sister, and wants her to be happy, and she doesn't want to be (as she puts it in another story) "pathetic" about it. So she's tried very hard to squash her crush down and pretend it doesn't exist. But sometimes...

That was a mistake. Spike went yellow-eyed, achieving zero to over-protective in six seconds. "And just who the hell--"

"You and Xander, dope, when we all went skinny dipping after that clambake. Get your mind out of the gutter." Of course vague glimpses of guy-parts decently veiled by darkness and ice-cold seawater and didn't quite, uh, measure up to, well, let's just say I'm going to be comparing my future boyfriends to Spike in more ways than one, but you know, I wasn't going to let this be weird. Spike is a total hottie, and maybe, just maybe there have been a few daydreams. Detailed daydreams. With a sound track and special effects. But there are hotties all over the planet, and not all that many guys you can talk to about important stuff like whether or not you really existed before two years ago, and whether the monks that created you remembered to add a standard-issue soul to the mix, and how incredibly annoying older sisters can be. "On second thought, I'm deeply traumatized. I think I might get over it if you talked Buffy into letting me get my navel pierced."

Spike stared at me, various bits of him twitching. "Dawn--"

I patted his shoulder, because I could. "You're gonna be inhaling filter in a minute. Let's go inside."

When we got back inside, Willow had bit and pieces of camera wired up to the laptop. "Curiouser and curiouser," she said. "The server this camera was supposed to send information to doesn't exist any longer, or at least, it's not turned on. The web site's on a regular commercial server, and the domain name's registered to Horatio Hellpop--pseudonym much? Good news, it looks like the site's only been up for a couple of days--" She broke into a triumphant grin. "We're in!"

"What're you waiting for, then?" Spike doesn't usually use his sire-to-minion voice on Willow, but he was using it now. "Take it down!"

It's not relevant to the tale at hand, so I don't belabor it here, but this Willow is a vampire with a soul. It's a long story.

"Patience, Grasshopper." Willow typed a few more cryptic strings of symbols into the laptop. "Bad news, it's going to take me a few hours to find out who the owner really is. I'll have to hack into Paypal to get his bank account info and track IP addresses and stuff."

I did not research what it would take to hack into Paypal. I have my limits.

Spike began pacing back and forth, tense and borderline vampy, looking like he really, really wanted to kill something. Or someone. "And in that time this berk could run off a hundred more copies and pass 'em out to friends as door prizes."

"Or keep them and sell fifty-seven of them to the list of people I'm downloading now," Willow said. "OK. I've disabled the site and changed the passwords, so no one will be able to order any more." She cracked her knuckles. "Give me six hours and I can clean out Larry Flynt Junior's bank account, ruin his credit history, and send anonymous tips to Donald Rumsfeld that he's a terrorist child pornographer." Willow's a little less scary without her magic, but really? Not by that much. She looked around. "Not that I would ever do anything like that."

I mean really. "Hacker" may be a 90s cliche, but I still wouldn't want one mad at me.

Spike snatched the list of names and credit card numbers off the printer and squinted at it. "Bloody hell. There's addresses all the way from Juneau to Key West." He looked at the list again, and smiled. Need I say it wasn't a very nice smile? "I think it's time to pay a visit to the locals. Could be some of them have an idea who they're ordering from. Harris, you want to take out the rest of those cameras, and--" He turned to Willow. "Will, when Buffy gets home, for God's sake don't let her suss out anything's wrong. If she finds out about this..."

My Spike still needs glasses, but is too vain to wear them. I have a number of canonical justifications for this headcanon.

All of us shuddered in unison. If Buffy found out there would be an explosion of thermonuclear proportions. Spike grabbed his motorcycle jacket and blanket and headed for the front door, and I leaped to my feet and ran after him. "Wait up! I'm going with you!"

He scowled at me. "I think not. You're going to stay here, and distract your sister like a good little minor."

"Uh-uh." I used all of my hey-Dawnie's-tall-now height to advantage. "Look, Spike, all this stuff getting out does to you is make you mad. If Buffy finds out, she's going to be..." I floundered for a minute. " Humiliated, and nobody humiliates my sister except me. I'm gonna go with you, and we're gonna find out who did it and...and... kick their butts with pointy-toed shoes."

Spike glared, but it was the old I-disapprove-on-principle-but-you're-all-right,-Niblet glare, and I knew he'd be caving in ten, nine, eight... "Move yer girly arse, then," he said with an unconvincing growl. "We've got villains to apprehend."

I scooted for the DeSoto before he could change his mind. Maybe he thought that it would be a good idea to have someone soul-having around when he was this mad, just in case. Or maybe, and I really prefer this version, he just wanted a partner in crime because it's more fun that way. Spike flung the blanket over his head and copied my dash for the car, and we flung ourselves into the DeSoto's dark interior just as Spike was beginning to sizzle. "You come along, you mind what I tell you, yeah? I say stay in the car, you stay in the car. I say you run, you run. I say you take that fucking pathetic excuse for music out of the CD player and toss it out the window--"

"--and I ignore you like always," I said cheerfully, turning up the Jennifer Lopez.

"Fine. If anyone dies tonight, it's on your head. Some things are beyond any self-respecting vampire's endurance." Spike slammed into reverse and backed out of the driveway with a screech of tires. I grabbed the door handle. Driving with Spike is always a character-building experience, and today was no exception. "First on the hit parade?"

I scanned the list. "Vernon Blakely, 1583 East Beechwood. What are we gonna say to Mr. Blakely when we get there?"

Spike gazed out through the little clean space in the windshield, obviously pondering which limb he should rip off first, and peeled out like there was a mob with torches after us. "Improvisation is a virtue, Bit."

I had absolutely no idea how they would get the DVDs back. The next several scenes are just me letting the characters take the reins and do whatever the hell they wanted to.

**********

Spike was smoking gently beneath his blanket when the shade-deficient door of 1583 East Beechwood opened to our urgent hammering, and a middle-aged guy with thinning red hair and freckles and a pot belly opened it and blinked at us. He looked like Mr. Weasley gone to seed. "Mr. Blakely?" I said with my brightest, shiniest smile.

The Blakely looked from me to Spike, and the contrast seemed to produce some kind of cognitive dissonance on his part. "Can I... have we met?"

"Only in spirit." Spike leaned heavily against the doorframe, with a smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but which made him look like he was sporting fangs even when he wasn't. Spike isn't a big guy--in fact, he's on the smallish side, but he's got, you know, muscles. And this air of being able to rip your liver out. Also did I mention the muscles? "I'm given to understand you made a purchase recently from...ah..." He glanced surreptitiously at the paper in his hand. "...Mad Genius Productions?"

Mr. Blakely looked at me, dubious, and at Spike, nervous. "What of it? If I'd done anything like that, which I didn't."

"We're from the, uh, department of quality control," I chirped. "The DVDs are..."

"Radioactive," Spike put in. "Rot your goolies off just like that. " I gave him an elbow-jab.

"Defective," I said firmly. "Glitches. Pixelization. It's criminal the kind of shoddy merchandise we put out. We're recalling them and giving you a replacement at absolutely no charge!"

Spike held up a jewel case and flashed it under Blakely's nose. "Director's cut. Added scenes. 40% more filth for the price."

Suspicion was gathering in Mr. Blakely's watery blue eyes. "Hey, you're that guy from the video," he said.

Spike heaved a melodramatic sigh. "All right, all right, as you've twisted my arm, I'll autograph it for you."

I honestly did not expect him to say that, but somehow there I was, typing it.

The watery eyes brightened. "Really?"

Five minutes later we were dashing for the car again, with the confused Mr. Blakely waving us goodbye. "So what's he going to do when he discovers he's been suckered for a bootleg copy of J-Lo's latest?" I asked, as we tore away from the curb.

"Long as it's got some bint with her tits hanging out on the cover, I doubt he'll notice the difference." Spike grinned. "There'd just better be some hitting involved in the next one."

**********

"I don't believe there's any such thing as a Department of Quality Control," Mr. Angusson said, looking us up and down. "What the hell kind of scam are you pulling?"

"All we want to do is to replace--" I started.

"Look, missy, I bought that DVD nice and legal, and I don't give a crap if whatever goombah and his girlfriend put on plastic fangs to do it is having second thoughts now. So you and your boyfriend just toddle off and--"

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "HE'S SHOWING ME HIS THING! IT'S ALL GROSS AND PURPLE AND--"

I didn't expect Dawn to do that, either. And yet!

Angusson disappeared and reappeared in two seconds flat, chucking the DVD at our heads.

"Better," Spike said as we tore out yet again. "But I'm still feeling a lack in the hitting things area."

Mr. Fishbein retreated a step from the threshold. "I'm not giving you anything, and I'm not letting you in," he quavered. "What do you think I am, stupid? You're a vampire!"

Honestly, it's Sunnydale. SOMEONE has to get it.

Spike rolled his eyes. He's learned from the masters. "Oh, bollocks, you don't really believe--"

"Oh, yeah?" Fishbein challenged. "Step through that door!"

I stepped through the door, grabbed Fishbein's hand and gave him a good hard yank, right across the threshold and into Spike's waiting fist.

"What was that?," Spike caroled, drawing back for another punch. "Come on in and have a cuppa, Spike? Better repeat it, I'm a touch deaf in that ear."

"That was unnecessarily bloody," I said as we hopped into the car and stepped on the gas, one DVD richer.

"He'll live," Spike said dismissively. "Probably. Next?"

**********

I figured I had to give Spike SOME violence, or he'd get mopey.

"Can you see--?" I hissed, trying to get a better view through the front window. It was getting dark, and I was out of practice at sneaking around not-really-abandoned buildings. Spike shushed me and crept around to the door. I peered through the sad straggly thevetia hedge, cupping my hands against the dirty glass. The place was just crawling with innnnnnteresting monsters, all huddled around a crappy old black and white TV. There's some law against demons watching flatscreen color, apparently.

"Oh, my God, are they really...you know....doing it?" The Gorthesch demon bumped a couple of Fyarls further down on the couch and plunged a scaly paw into the bowl of popcorn as they all stared at the flickering screen. "With a Slayer? I mean, I heard about it, but I didn't think even a vampire could sink that low."

"Real vampires don't," the lone vampire in the crowd protested, voice dripping disgust. "Maybe great big Slayer-whipped pussies do, but--"

"Shut up!" came a chorus of squeaky, growly, and croaky voices. Despite the complaints, everyone seemed to like the show. There were tongues hanging out. At least, I hope they were tongues.

"Yeah, it's just gettin' to the good part," a Syvithis demon whispered.

"Oooh! The one with the pommel horse?"

"No, where the Slayer goes down on him in the graveyard and he--"

I actually wrote a PWP detailing all the scenes in The Spuffy Sex Tape. An edited-down version eventually got incorporated into A Parliament of Monsters, when Angelus gets a hold of one of the copies that Spike and Dawn aren't able to track down in this story.

The front door imploded with a crash, splinters flying everywhere, and Spike strode into the room over the wreckage, a gleam in his eye and a really, really big axe slung over one shoulder. He surveyed the assortment of demons with a grin almost as big as the axe and about twice as vicious, ran his tongue over his teeth and and tucked his free thumb in his belt loop, fingers splayed over the merchandise. Just like old times. "Looks like you're right, mate," he said. "We are just getting to the good part."

**********

"OK, I take it back," I said as we headed for home. "THAT was unnecessarily bloody." It was after midnight, and we'd collected twenty-two DVDs, broken and entered fifteen houses and/or lairs, killed or maimed eight demons, broken five human fingers accidentally-on-purpose, and signed two autographs. Spike had definitely achieved his hitting things quota, and it was a safe bet that no one in Sunnydale would be mentioning Spike and Buffy's brief but eventful movie career in public any time soon.

"All right, p'raps the railroad spike was a bit much, but a bloke gets nostalgic." Spike stretched, all luxurious and satisfied, and lit up a fresh cig, trailing smoke out the window. He had a black eye and a split lip and a scrape right across the place where his cheekbone goes all knife-edgy, and the stretching made things creak inside that probably weren't supposed to creak, but he was in a much, much better mood. "He'll grow a new head."

Where did Spike get a railroad spike on short notice? I have no idea. He's just resourceful that way.

"If you say so," I said, a bit dubious. "Doesn't that only happen when you cut the old one off?"

"So it'll take a bit longer." Spike bounced a little in his seat, all hepped up on the old ultra-violence. "Still haven't found the bastard who's selling the things, though. Must be a bleeding criminal mastermind if--" I Wanna Be Sedated beebled from the cell phone in his pocket. (Like I said, a lot better with technology than some vampires I can name. He can even program it, though considering the songs he picks, sometimes we wish he couldn't.) He grabbed the phone one-handed and didn't slow down even a bit as he zipped through freeway traffic. (Well, he is evil.) "Yeh? You must be joking. You must be--fuck. That little--I'll tear his soddin' head off! Yeh, I know. I'll just bruise him a little." He clicked the phone off and stuffed it back in his pocket, spun the wheel and zigged across four lanes of traffic towards the off-ramp, leaving a chorus of screeching brakes behind us. "After I tear his soddin' head off."

"Where are we going?" I yelled.

Spike hunched over the wheel, eyes grim. "Off to see the wizard."

We pulled up in front of one of the cruddy lease-by-the-month apartment buildings over by the UC Sunnydale campus. Maybe it was the same one Dad and I stayed at when he came down from L.A. to take care of Buffy's estate that time she was dead--the second time, I mean, not the first time. Some of the grease spots in the parking lot looked familiar.

It just struck me as I was describing the building that it was almost identical to the one I'd described in Necessary Evils, so I thought I'd better lampshade it.

"Apartment 42B, Will says." Spike sucked in his cheeks and narrowed his eyes, scoping out the disintegrating stucco overhead. "There at the end." He slapped his hands together and bounded towards the stairs like he was scaling Everest. I followed like I was scaling a rickety stepladder. (Hey, lack of supernatural stamina here. I was getting pretty darned tired.) The lights were on in 42B, and we paused outside the door, which was painted in barf-making 80s turquoise. Spike pounded on it with one fist. "Open up! Land shark!"

I heard some rustling and thumping noises inside, and a crash like a bookcase falling over. "Go away!" a strangely familiar voice yelled. "You can't get in here anyway!"

"Yeh? Maybe not, but I can stand out here till you starve to death. Or set the building on fire, or...uh..." Spike paced the catwalk for a second, smoking like a fiend, which I guess is appropriate. I was pretty sure the fire thing was a bluff, since Spike's not usually one for indirect mayhem. He's got the whole hitting things fetish, after all. Then his eyes lit up and he grinned. "Maybe I can't walk through your door, but there's nothing says I can't kick it down and send in my terrible mute minion, Paco." He whirled around and unleashed one of his shitkicker boots at the door. BANG! The whole building shuddered (which sounds impressive, but considering it was probably made out of pressboard and Kleenex, isn't so much). WHAM! A hinge sprung and the doorframe cracked. I buffed my nails and waited--obviously Spike was holding back.

I don't know why more vampires don't do things like this.

"I'm gonna lose my deposit!" the voice inside wailed.

"My heart bleeds. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. Open up, or--"

The door flew open, or tried to (Spike had knocked it kind of cattywompus, and it stuck halfway.) A face peered out, pale and pear-shaped and nervous under slept-in dark hair. Behind it was a barren little studio apartment littered with pizza boxes, comic books, and boxes of DVDs and padded mailers. There was practically no furniture except a mattress and a desk with a pretty sweet computer and home studio setup.

My hand shot out and I grabbed Pasty-face by the ear and pulled, hard. "Jonathan?!" I yipped. Jonathan squirmed and batted at me, but I dug my nails in. "YOU'RE the criminal mastermind?"

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" he yelled. "Let me go, don't let him kill me, I didn't mean to, it's not my fault!"

"Oh, for God's sake, quit whining," I snapped, letting go. "Spike hasn't even touched you."

Spike took a drag on his cigarette, peeled himself off the railing and sort of glided over, all slouchy and menacing, with the angle of the floodlights leaving black caverns where his eyes should be. Jonathan squinched in on himself. "You just don't learn, do you?" Spike asked, soft and pee-your-pants scary. "How long've you had those cameras on us?"

Jonathan backed away with a panicky shuffle. "They're not mine! They were Warren's, and they haven't worked since the police confiscated all his computer stuff! Honest! I just happened to have some files I'd saved for, for--"

"Wanking material?" Spike asked, excessively sarcastic.

"Research!" Jonathan reached the wall and sat down very abruptly. "I didn't mean anything by it! All I wanted was to raise some money so Warren and Andrew could get a better lawyer! Someone who knows about demon-related cases, like Goldberg & Osbourne, or Wolfram & Hart. I didn't think you'd ever find out, and I'm really, really, really sorry, please don't kill me, please, please, PLEASE don't kill me--"

Goldberg & Osbourne is a real law firm in Phoenix, AZ, known for being sleazy ambulance-chasers. A joke that only I ever got.

"Didn't mean anything by dragging a lady's reputation in the dirt?" Spike roared (and again, by roared, I mean, well, roared). He grabbed Jonathan by his Robotech jammies and hauled him up nose-to-nose--Jonathan's one of the few guys Spike can look down on. "Well, maybe I won't mean anything when I rip your balls off and stuff them in your eye sockets, how's that?"

"Why?" I asked, grabbing Spike's arm. I realized I'd been wanting to ask that question for a long time. "Why, Jonathan? I mean, I get Warren and whatsisface--they had grudges against Buffy, but you used to be--" Well, not her friend, not really. "She saved your life! You gave her the Class Protector award! She let you off the hook when she turned Warren over to the cops--you were an accessory to murder, Jonathan, and she let you go! I don't get it. Why are you helping them?"

Jonathan yanked his pajama top out of Spike's grip and pulled himself up like he'd taken a dose of Insta-Spine. "Because they're my friends," he said, very simply, meeting Spike's yellowing eyes head-on. "And I know they're not much, but they're all I've got. Whatever else happens, you've got to stand by your friends, right? Or what's the point?" He sighed, squared his shoulders, and looked up at Spike with a little smile. "It's a fair cop. I guess you'd better do whatever it is you're going to do."

I wanted Jonathan to redeem himself a little bit, kinda?

Spike stood there looking at Jonathan, head cocked in the His Master's Voice pose he gets when he's trying really, really hard to figure out the motivations of the souled. And I knew what was going through his head. Spike was looking for a reason not to kill him.

See, Spike doesn't have a soul. He doesn't do good stuff because it's right. He can't. He's not wired that way, as he puts it. But he can do good stuff if there's a reason--like if it helps him somehow, or makes someone he loves happy. Or if it makes him feel, for a minute, like he's a man and not a monster, which is a feeling he really likes. And that's the cool thing about Spike, the thing I really love about him, and I think probably the thing Buffy loves too: not the cheekbones or the attitude or the mad combat skilz or what's under those jeans, but that he does like that feeling, and so Spike looks for those reasons. Looks real hard. Harder, I think sometimes, than some people with souls.

I'm just sayin'.

"Right," he said at last. And he hauled off and punched Jonathan right in the nose.

"YEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!" Jonathan fell over, clutching his face, and gore splattered everywhere. "By dose! You broge by dose!"

But still, well, evil.

"Just be glad that's all I've broke," Spike said. He wiped his knuckles on his t-shirt instead of licking the blood off, which was a pretty big compliment, really. Congratulations, Jonathan, you've graduated to Not-Food! "Christ, where's the fun in beating the shit out of a pathetic little wibbling sod like you?" He pulled a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket (that's another moderately cool thing about Spike: he carries pocket handkerchiefs) and tossed it to Jonathan. "Grab the goods, Bit. It's time to call it a night."

Jonathan sat there snorfling blood into the hanky while I ferried the DVDs and Jonathan's hard drive out to Spike--I figured Willow could check it out for contraband and return it, so we weren't stealing it exactly. As we started down the stairs with the last armload, Spike turned back to Jonathan, almost amiable. "Word to the wise. I don't forget what your friends put Buffy through. If you want to do your pals a real favor, maybe you ought to remember that while I'm out here, and they're safe in stir, no one's likely to get eaten accidental-like, eh?"

Now this! At the time that I wrote this, I had NO IDEA that Warren would come back and cause trouble later, and that Spike would, in fact, end up eating him. Indeed, by the time I wrote "The Lesser of Two Evils," I had completely forgotten that I'd written this line, and when I stumbled upon it when re-reading a couple of years later, it was this totally serendipitous piece of foreshadowing. Sometimes writing is so cool!

Jonathan stared at him, and nodded a little. And we left.

**********

It was past two o'clock when we got home. We locked the DVDs in the trunk of the DeSoto, which had been the closet for a lot of other skeletons in its day, and after a short consultation on how to best avoid Ordeal By Buffy, we strolled into the house as if we were coming in from a late patrol and nothing in the universe was wrong.

Willow was still tapping away at her laptop in the dining room. "I'm just tracking down the copies on eBay," she whispered, "and sending out fake cease and desist orders from Mad Genius Productions. Buffy's in bed. She doesn't suspect a thing." She noted our alarmed glances and added, a bit huffily, "Don't worry, Xander took care of the the subterfuge part. Did you get him?"

"Yeh, he's got." Spike rolled his head and rubbed back of his neck. "Battle of the ages. Christ, I'm glad that's done with." He eyed our crumpled list of victims thoughtfully. "Wonder if I could fake a business trip to Juneau."

"Don't press your luck," Willow said drily.

"Someday I'm going to sire someone with a minimum of respect for their elders," Spike growled.

Willow grinned, smug. "And they'll bore you so much you'll stake them inside forty-eight hours. Shoo. Buffy's waiting for you."

So we headed for the stairs, and as I put my foot on the first step, I heard Spike heave a big sigh behind me. "Thanks, Bit. Couldn't have managed without you." When I looked back, he was staring at the toes of his boots, all awkward and embarrassed. "I just hope this hasn't... hasn't..."

"Spike, I'll always think of you as my brother." I waited two beats, and added with a perfectly straight face, "My brother with the enormous schlong."

I got three whole steps before Spike came after me and chased me all the way upstairs.

This story is the second of three I wrote ("The Road to Byzantium" and "A Dark and Stormy Night" are numbers one and three) which has Dawn moving on from her crush and into a more grown-up friendship with Spike as a major theme, and hopefully it works. And they all lived happily ever after, at least until I got another idea!

[eddycurrents]

For the week of 27 May 2019

Quick Bits:

A Walk Through Hell #10 somehow gets even more disturbing as we’re shown some of McGregor’s past as he was abused and set up as a suicide. The horror that Garth Ennis, Goran Sudžuka, Ive Svorcina, and Rob Steen keep exploring in this series keeps getting more personal and seemingly has no limit to its depth.

| Published by AfterShock

Amazing Spider-Man #22 concludes (mostly) the “Hunted” arc as Kraven continues to try to convince Spider-Man that he’s a killer and to finally put Kraven out of his misery. It’s incredibly messed up logic, but Nick Spencer, Humberto Ramos, Victor Olazaba, Edgar Delgado, Erick Arciniega, and Joe Caramagna make it interesting. You could consider this end anti-climactic, especially after how long this has been, but I get the feeling we’ll be dealing with the ramifications for a while to come.

| Published by Marvel

Amber Blake #3 takes an interesting turn as an undercover operation into a modelling agency reveals that Amber’s childhood friend Amanda is still alive. The level of intrigue and twists in this story just keeps escalating, matching the density of the layouts and art from Butch Guice, Mike Perkins, and Dan Brown.

| Published by IDW

Angel #1 is incredible. Possibly even better than the Buffy the Vampire Slayer series and that has set a ridiculously high bar. Bryan Edward Hill, Gleb Melnikov, Gabriel Cassata, and Ed Dukeshire embrace the darker, moodier feel of Angel consistent with the different atmosphere that was present in the television series, while diving deep into building up his dark past and conflicted future. There’s a lot that is new to this interpretation, which just makes it more intriguing. And the art from Melnikov and Cassata is gorgeous.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

Ascender #2 advances the vamps’ plan to eradicate the remaining technology in the universe, as Andy is reunited with Bandit, and the vamps come to threaten him and his family. This remains an interesting new take on the Descender world from Jeff Lemire, Dustin Nguyen, and Steve Wands as we see more of what’s happened since the end of that series.

| Published by Image

Batman: Last Knight on Earth #1 is an interesting debut from Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo, Jonathan Glapion, FCO Plascencia, and Tom Napolitano. On its surface, it’s an “Old Man Bruce” story, as a previously comatose Bruce awakens in a dark and strange future. But this existence is weird and unreliable. Especially as Bruce awakens in a fiction at first, being told that he’s in Arkham and that all of his villains and time as Batman were fever dreams cooked up by a fractured mind. This may well be the best art ever from Capullo, Glapion, and Plascencia.

| Published by DC Comics / Black Label

Black Science #40 shows that the story still has some surprises in store as it rockets towards the end. Also some ridiculous jokes. Matteo Scalera and Moreno Dinisio continue to inventive as hell with the art.

| Published by Image / Giant Generator

Coda #12 is the explosive, brilliant conclusion to what has been on the best series of this year and last. Si Spurrier, Matías Bergara, Michael Doig, and Jim Campbell have delivered some stunning flights of imagination, tapping into some highly inventive nihilistic fantasy, presenting the final battle battle this issue, and, man, does it stick the landing. Phenomenal storytelling all around.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

Daredevil #6 begins “No Devils, Only God” in a New York City without Daredevil. Lalit Kumar Sharma, Jay Leisten, and Java Tartaglia come on for art duties for this arc and it’s an interesting shift. Sharma’s style reminds me a bit of Klaus Janson’s, but without the heavy inks and shadows.

| Published by Marvel

Detective Comics Annual #2 heads into Year Two territory as we get a new Reaper from Peter J. Tomasi, Travis Moore, Max Raynor, Tamra Bonvillain, Nick Filardi, and Rob Leigh. This is a nice use of the annual format, giving us a satisfying single issue story setting up a possible future arc.

| Published by DC Comics

The Forgotten Queen #4 brings an end to this excellent series exploring the history of Vexana, War-Monger, from Tini Howard, Amilcar Pinna, Ulises Arreola, and Jeff Powell. Very interesting depth added to the character and interesting hints as to what more might be coming, hopefully.

| Published by Valiant

Hellboy vs. Lobster Johnson: Ring of Death elaborates further on Hellboy’s time in Mexico making wrestling movies in a pair of tales from Mike Mignola, Chris Roberson, Mike Norton, Paul Grist, Dave Stewart, Bill Crabtree, and Clem Robins. Seeing a presentation of the movie Hellboy starred in is a real treat.

| Published by Dark Horse

Immortal Hulk #18 leans hard into the body horror aspect of the series, debuting both Betty’s full form as this new Harpy and in the Abomination. Joe Bennett, Ruy José, and Paul Mounts just nail this perfectly.

| Published by Marvel

Killer Groove #1 is a great first issue from Ollie Masters, Eoin Marron, Jordie Bellaire, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou. It’s a taut crime drama mixing a never-was musician with the potential of life as a hitman, as he lucks into a kill during a chance encounter. Great art from Marron and Bellaire.

| Published by AfterShock

The Magnificent Ms. Marvel #3 advances the alien plot, sending Kamala and her parents off to Saffa to supposedly fulfill the role of their Destined One, saving the planet again. Saladin Ahmed, Minkyu Jung, Juan Vlasco, Ian Herring, and Joe Caramagna are doing some interesting world-building here, and ensuring that nothing is quite what it seems.

| Published by Marvel

Peter Cannon: Thunderbolt #5 is the beautiful conclusion to what has been a brilliant series from Kieron Gillen, Caspar Wijngaard, Mary Safro, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou. It’s been a sequel, satire, criticism, and repudiation of Watchmen, but it’s also been an interesting mediation on “being better” while coming to terms with the nature of reality and learning to deal with the human element.

| Published by Dynamite

Queen of Bad Dreams #2 gets more into the grit of IJ Wei’s investigation into the escaped figment, delivering some great police procedural stuff. The artwork from Jordi Pérez and Dearbhla Kelly is wonderful. Reminding me a lot of some of the work from John Watkiss, particularly during a very impressive action sequence.

| Published by Vault

She Said Destroy #1 is an intriguing science fantasy debut from Joe Corallo, Liana Kangas, Rebecca Nalty, and Melanie Ujimori. It taps into Celtic mythology, presenting a war between Brigid and the Morrigan, but also appears to be telling a coming of age story with some members of the Morrigan’s flock as they try to combat Brigid’s oppression. 

| Published by Vault

Star Wars #108 is essentially another one-shot in the 80th anniversary of Marvel celebration, with Matthew Rosenberg and a murderers’ row of new and old Star Wars artists delivering a tale set in the old Marvel continuity. While you’ll get more out of it if you’re familiar with the original series, with familiar faces like Valance Hunter, Domina Tagge, and Jaxxon, but it still works well on its own without having any foreknowledge of previous events.

| Published by Marvel

Stranger Things: Six #1 begins another prequel mini-series, this time introducing us to “Six” and looking into the experiments going on at the Hawkins Labs, from Jody Houser, Edgar Salazar, Keith Champagne, Marissa Louise, and Nate Piekos. I quite liked the first one that served as a view into the terror that Will went through during season one, but this one looks like it’ll be breaking some new ground. Very interested to see more of what happened earlier.

| Published by Dark Horse

Superman: Leviathan Rising Special #1 is a tease for Event Leviathan, the next turn in the Superman series, the forthcoming Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen minis, and the upcoming Supergirl arc once she returns to Earth, but it also manages to tell a fairly entertaining story in its own right as Talia al Ghul kidnaps Clark Kent.

| Published by DC Comics

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #94 continues “City at War” as everything gets nastier and dirtier, and we still haven’t had a full-on incendiary spark yet to ignite even larger warfare. Dave Wachter and Ronda Pattison deliver some incredible artwork. Splinter is very chilling in this one.

| Published by IDW

Thor #13 will make you care about Cul Borson. At least, a little bit. Maybe. Jason Aaron, Mike del Mundo, Marco D’Alfonso, and Joe Sabino deliver on another single issue story broadening the bits and pieces of the War of the Realms.

| Published by Marvel

Transformers #6 takes a break from the ongoing narrative and gives us a look into the past friendship between Megatron and Orion Pax, from Brian Ruckley, Beth McGuire-Smith, and Tom B. Long. There are some interesting parallels between Megatron’s observations and the drifting apart of these two old friends.

| Published by IDW

Wolverine: The Long Night #5 concludes this adaptation of the podcast of the same name from Benjamin Percy, Marcio Takara, Matt Milla, and Joe Caramagna. This has been a mature, psychological thriller amidst all of the violence and darkness, with this final chapter delivering more twists even as it brings the answers.

| Published by Marvel

Other Highlights: Age of X-Man: X-Tremists #4, Bad Luck Chuck #3, Black Panther #12, Blossoms 666 #4, Catwoman Annual #1, Dark Red #3, Dead Kings #5, Delver #4, Dick Tracy Forever #2, Doctor Who: The Thirteenth Doctor #8, Dog Days of Summer #1, Fantastic Four #10, Fight Club 3 #5, Four Sisters 2: Hortense, Grand Abyss Hotel, KINO #16, Life on the Moon, Lumberjanes: Somewhere Green #1, Major X #4, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers #39, Princeless - Book 8: Princesses #3, Punk Mambo #2, Punks Not Dead: London Calling #4, Rick & Morty #50, Spawn #297, Star Trek: Year Five #2, Star Wars: Vader - Dark Visions #4, Superior Spider-Man #6, TMNT: Urban Legends #13, Thanos #2, Wailing Blade #1, War of the Realms: Giant-Man #2, War of the Realms: Spider-Man & The League of Realms #2, War of the Realms: War Scrolls #2, Wasted Space #10, X-23 #12, X-Men: Grand Design - X-Tinction #1

Recommended Collections: Death Orb - Volume 1, Dept. H Omnibus - Volume 1, The Goon: Bunch of Old Crap, Judge Dredd: Toxic, Punisher - Volume 2: War in Bagalia, Rick & Morty Presents - Volume 1, X-Force - Volume 1: Sins of the Past

For the week of 20 May 2019

Quick Bits:

Action Comics #1011 is the last stop before Event Leviathan starts in earnest and it raises more questions as to what’s going on. Brian Michael Bendis, Steve Epting, Brad Anderson, and Josh Reed have done a great job elevating tension through this lead-up and moving the pieces around the board.

| Published by DC Comics

Assassin Nation #3 is another brutal issue from Kyle Starks, Erica Henderson, and Deron Bennett. The body count remains high and we get more questions about who authorized the hit. There’s some hints that it may all just be misdirection.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Detective Comics #1004 gives us the life history of Astrid Arkham. It’s told largely in full page montages, really allowing Brad Walker, Andrew Hennessy, and Nathan Fairbairn to cut loose on the visuals.

| Published by DC Comics

Faithless #2 sees Faith go to a party, and then it gets weird. This feels like that Griffin Dunne film of him wandering around New York, only with more magic and gorgeous art from Maria Llovet.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

Ghost Tree #2 delivers well on the promise of the first issue, going further with Brandt’s conversations with the spirits around the ghost tree, and setting up the possibility of something horrible coming soon. More gorgeous artwork from Simon Gane, Ian Herring, and Becka Kinzie.

| Published by IDW

Incursion #4 is a fitting conclusion to this series bringing Gilad back to a regular status in the world of the living, with some interesting teases as to what might be further down the line, from Andy Diggle, Alex Paknadel, Doug Braithwaite, Diego Rodriguez, Leonardo Paciarotti, and Marshall Dillon.

| Published by Valiant

Justice League Dark #11 continues “Lords of Order” and keeps burning down the magical side of the DC Universe, while diving very deep into the back catalogue to build up the new. James Tynion IV is developing a very interesting structure for what might be coming.

| Published by DC Comics

Middlewest #7 shows the sheer devastation that Abel can unleash as his powers manifest, similar to the rage that his father has shown, and how his newfound “family” can also let him down horribly. Great work from Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos as the story seems to be headed for more dangerous waters.

| Published by Image

Star Wars: Age of Rebellion - Jabba the Hutt #1 is an entertaining little story of how Jabba manipulates others to accomplish his goals.

| Published by Marvel

Stone Star #3 gives us another surprise as Dail tries to save Kitzo from being eaten in the arena by Most-Maw. It’s very interesting how this series plays with elements of hero shooters and the designs for the characters and creatures by Max Dunbar are incredible.

| Published by Swords & Sassery

Other Highlights: A Shining Beacon, Age of X-Man: Amazing Nightcrawler #4, Animosity #21, Asgardians of the Galaxy #9, Avengers #19, Batgirl #35, Battlestar Galactica: Twilight Command #4, Bone Parish #9, Books of Magic #8, Clue: Candlestick #1, Cyber Force #10, Dial H for Hero #3, Doctor Strange #14, The Flash #71, Freedom Fighters #6, Gasolina #18, GI Joe: A Real American Hero #262, The Goon #2, Highwayman, Invader Zim #43, Invisible Kingdom #3, Martian Manhunter #5, Marvel Comics Presents #5, Mary Shelley: Monster Hunter #2, Miles Morales: Spider-Man #6, Monstress #22, Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur #43, Mr. & Mrs. X #11, Redneck #20, Riverdale Season 3 #3, Road of Bones #1, Rumble #12, Runaways #21, Shuri #8, The Silencer #17, Star Trek: Q Conflict #4, Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge #2, Tony Stark: Iron Man #11, The Unstoppable Wasp #8, Venom #14, War of the Realms: Journey into Mystery #3, War of the Realms: New Agents of Atlas #2, War of the Realms: The Punisher #2, War of the Realms: Strikeforce - The Land of Giants #1, War of the Realms: Uncanny X-Men #2, The Warning #7, Welcome to Wanderland #4. Wolverine: Infinity Watch #4, Wonder Woman #71, X-Force #8

Recommended Collections: Black Badge - Volume 1, Black Magick, Cover - Volume 1, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Volume 1, East of West - Volume 9, Fantastic Four - Volume 2: Mr. & Mrs. Grimm, Friendo - Volume 1, James Bond: Blackbox, Middlewest - Book 1, Planet Terry Complete Collection, Redlands - Volume 2, Summit - Volume 3: Truth & Consequences, Wayward - Book 3

d. emerson eddy thinks there should be more hours in the day.

[tribesoflandandsky]

TIMESKIP EVENTS:

Five Moons Ago

- Upon realization of the missing Forsaken, Windrunner assembled her tribe to move out. When Blooming Ember expresses her rage, their home started caving in. In a hurry to flee, Wind Tribe lost Thrush. Before the journey leaves their old territory, Windrunner names Smoke Trail Shadow Fox, and Dusks Light as Outrunners.

- During the Summer Solstice, strange cats lingered in the forest. When several cats were recognized as Hollow Cats by newer tribe members, they were welcomed into the tribes. They were allotted the day to involve themselves in tribe activity to see the tribes way and see they would do them no harm. At the end of the day, they were asked to choose a tribe to go to and call their new home. That night while others split up and told stories, Echo went to the leaders and warned them of Wind Tribe. During the solstice, Rex Solis kits go to the leaders before departure and ask to join Water Tribe together. Their own friends ask the same request. Brae Burn is named a full Stone-Claw after his winning a sparring contest against Dusk Wings.

- Accepting the request, Raven Shadow, Soot Fire, and Salamander Thorns leave Leaf Tribe. Ember Hold and Fire Trail leave Mountain Tribe. Evening Spider and Brae Burn excitedly welcome them, and accepts Echo into Water Tribe. Coyote Flight joins Leaf Tribe.

- Pale Moth listened to Echos warning and slipped away to hear Storms tale. Hearing how Hollow cats had been held captive and others betrayed their home she started working on planning vengeance. She reached out to Nightcry and promised retribution against Wind Tribe.

(Day After Summer Solstice)

- After Flying Dove had accepted them at the Summer Solstice, in Mountain Tribe, Lavender is named a Sky Watcher and takes the name Heather Trail Under Frost; Storm is named a Talon Guard and renamed Wrath of Raging Storm. Blackreach becomes a Talon Guard named Reach of Black Bears Shadow. lazing Lily is named a Talon Guard. Nightcry is named a Prey Runner as Cry in Dark Nights Shadow. Swift Bee is named the Prey Runner Sting Of Swift Bee. Sun too is named a Prey Runner.

- Ice Fire is named Ice Flashing in Fires Light and Snow Stone is named Snow Clouds Settling on Stone in Water Tribe.

Four Moons Ago

- As Wind Tribe travels, they lose Turtle and Amber Moon to a turn of sickness. Windrunner becomes more determined to press the tribe to their rightful home. When they arrive they come on a night of the full moon. In a hurried attempt, Windrunner names the young cats Watchers and assigns them all.

- Smoke Trail is named a Gazer and given to Night Screech.

- Willow Cliff is named a Talon Listener under Hunting Lion. Pine Feather, Aspen Leaf, and Ash Breeze are assigned to Hunting Bear, Flying Dove and Crying Wolf respectively. Misty fully leaves the nursery and is named Mist Rushing Over Water as a Talon Guard. Singing Crow however passes over night from an illness they had been battling since the solstice.

- Wind Tribe sends Shadowglen and Hawthorn in charge of a small party to spy on the first Tribe they find; Water Tribe, during a Full Moon storm. While the older cats attended the Gathering, many of the non-Stone-Claws stay behind due to the weather. They are caught by Hemlockstorm and a fight breaks out. Wave runs to help defend the Nursery and gets involved; and the two young cats fall into the river. Hemlock chases Shadowglen off before hurriedly looking for Wave. Howl Wind and Silver Night jump into the freezing water but cannot find either of the young cats. Both fall ill; but the tribe is warned of rogues upon Evening Spiders return. Wind Tribe only sees the tribes ferocity and Windrunner plans her next attacks. Howl Wind passed that night.

- Fire Trail, Soot Fire, Ember Hold, Raven Shadow, Dancing Snake and Fox Ripple are all named full Stone-Claws for defending the camp. Shell Breeze, Storm Whisper, Sedge Snake, Falcon Breeze, Rock Strike, Owl Talon, Maple Shadow, Sun Frost, Rime Dapple and Pike Break are all promoted to Bone-Claws to start their training against this new threat.

- Water Tribe is ambushed a few days later during Silver Nights funeral near the river side; the illness had gotten to her fast. Hemlockstorm dies defending Softpetal from a fatal blow. A small patrol from Leaf Tribe heard the commotion and hurried in, losing Night Screech, Dusk Wings, and Fox Spark in the fight as Wind Tribe flees.

- Mouse Bite takes over Smoke Trails training after Night Screeches funeral.

-Hawthorn is found several days later and kept in camp to recover.

Three Moons Ago

- The three leaders get together and send messengers. The tribes believe they are working together when Echo steps forward again and with the Forsaken and former Hollow cats confirm this is in fact Wind Tribe - cats who believe they are entitled to land. The former Forsaken confess they were once apart of Wind Tribe but we’re casted out or left. Echo reveals their secret - that Wind Tribe will only attack at night and are probably hiding in a dark spot.

- Patrols are sent during the day to look through the territories to find a spot they may be hiding. Several tunnels are spotted just outside their territory and inside sacred land.

- Wind Tribe launches an attack against a joint patrol that Rat Gaze and Evening Spider led in the unclaimed territory to advocate for peace. Shadowglen is killed as is one of Windrunners lives. Wind Tribe is forced to retreat into the tunnels and lose Root Light from Mountain Tribe in the tunnels.

- The Wind Tribe Cats work their way to Mountain Tribes Cave through hidden tunnels in the back of their cavern, and take the fight to unexpecting cats. Pine Feather, Aspen Leaf, and Ash Breeze are all injured badly before fleeing and later pass from infection, bleeding out, and shock.

- Mountain Tribe moves their camp in fear of the tunnels being infiltrated and are invited to share the island Leaf Tribe calls home. Leaf Tribe also invites Water Tribe into their territory and offers that those too young or recovering stay in the island.

- A team of Tribe cats lead by Flying Dove were sent to try and distract Wind Tribe cats from the battle. Side by side, they were surrounded by Wind Tribe. Windrunner had them captured and brought to their strong hold. When Windrunner made Flying Dove an offer to turn her territory over or die, Flying Dove commanded a final attack as FREE Tribe cats. Ash Storm, Tiger Fang die in the fight. Otter Chase died trying to defend Flying Dove to get her to escape, however Flying Dove refused to leave her friends side and left way for others to flee.

- Sky Shadow, injured and bleeding, helped by Dancing Snake and Fox Ripple, reaches the Tribe Alliance and gives word of what happened. Hunting Bear takes charge of Mountain Tribe. She turns to Kestrel Flight and appoints him as Head Prey Runner and asks Hunting Lion to work in her rank as Head Talon Guard place in the meantime. Dancing Snake and Fox Ripple are named full Stone-Claws.

Two Moons Ago

- Singing Bison in Mountain Tribe is promoted as a full Talon Guard named Bison that Sings Against the Wind after fighting a fight along the border against Wind Tribe. Snake Strike however died during the fight. Goat Horn, Red Hornet and Leaping Frog are named Rushers after the fight as well.

- Eagle Heart and Night Hunter pass in their sleep where all the cats staying out of the war stayed on Leaf Tribes island.

Last Moon

- Windrunner throws a final challenge- Wind Tribe is on edge and starting to feel very unsure about this idea and she’s afraid to lose her leadership. They all meet in a large meadow at the base of sacred territory. She demands the other three tribes give some of their territory to her so she can bring her tribe home from their unjust exile. After all the pain she caused, they refuse. The final fight breaks out, Hare Stone, Hunting Lion, Puddle Ripple, and Lake Frost from Mountain Tribe are lost. Hail Cloud, Rose Petal, Singing Rain, Elk Heart, and Salmon Stream from Leaf Tribe are lost too. Brae Burn dies protecting Dancing Snake. Several (NPCs) are lost from WindTribe as well. The cats all come to a standstill when Evening Spider, Rat Gaze and Windrunner fall. Hunting Bear cries the battle off, and cats bring their leaders to the edge of the meadow to help y’all them back, all on guard. Hunting Bear takes charge of the three tribes while the leaders recover, Sunfury doing the same for the Wind.

- Hunting Lions death is confirmed and Hunting Bear gives Willow Cliff to Singing Bison to train.

- The three leaders face each other in the afterlife, waking in the center of the same meadow. All those who passed during this war face them, haunting reminders of all the lives lost during this battle. Four faint outlines pad forward, circling them. They told the three of how they came to be, whispered to them the secrets of the tribes, whispered a final prophecy for them to pass on to “the flame of the night” before demanding that the four exist together to face a bigger challenge to come. When the three woke up, their bodies had been moved - Wind Tribe had taken Windrunner back to their stronghold and the others back inside Leaf Tribes borders.

- Evening Spider finally cracks under pressure of the war and retires, leaving Cougar Claw as leader. She refuses to pass on the secrets the ancients shared with her. Pale Moth seeks out a more simple mind and fakes a sign that names Dawn Shadow the Star-Claw. Evening Spider disappears, having found Robin Sky and runs away with her from the war.

- The day after the battle, Spark Flash spots movement in the meadow, and reports to Rat Gaze. Wind Tribe returned there to bury the dead - all of them. Rat Gaze, Cougar Claw and Hunting Bear go and see that Ravens Eye, Sunfury and Windrunner are respectfully burying all Tribe cats the same way where they had fallen the night before. They agree to meet the next dawn there.

- At the final meeting in Meadow of Rest, Hunting Bear sees a flicker of flame dance in the flowers. Accepting the vision, she steps down to Talon Head and names Ember Night the new Cave Singer. Ember Night steps up immediately, and participated in the final decisions. The meadow would now be a place all who can be will be buried and mourned. The forest around it shall not be claimed by any. Wind Tribe would return to their old land, and the meadow just on the other side of the trees would be where the gatherings took place. However.... Wind Tribe would have to pay for the war they started. The other three leaders would come up with a reasonable demand by the next gathering for Windrunner to play.

- Flight Of Wily Coyote and Rabbit Running Through Fire join Mountain Tribe.

- Evening Spider returns to Water Tribe asking for forgiveness. Robin Sky has passed from a bad illness and feeling empty she returned home to seek meaning for life.

[wallstreetmovies-blog]

Fact and Fiction in Trading Places

Note:  This is the first of what I hope are many postings about movies that are based on the financial world.  As a long time industry professional I’ve noticed there are always things in movies about the financial world that get things right and others that are pure fiction. The idea here is to separate the two, but also spark civilized discussion about how the industry I love is depicted in movies.

Overview

Trading Places debuted in 1983 and is a story about a homeless con man and director of a commodity brokerage firm having their circumstances changed based on a social experiment conducted by the owners of a commodity brokerage firm.  They take Eddie Murphy’s character (con man) and put him in charge of their firm while ruining Dan Aykroyd’s (managing director) life to see if success is based on breeding (their words) or circumstances.

Pork Bellies

Yes, Pork Bellies are a real thing.  I was actually in Los Angeles around Christmas time a few years ago.  Andy Milder (Weeds, Austin & Ally) and a young guy were sitting at table next to me at dinner.  The young guy with Milder was actually ripping on this movie and one statement was, “it’s bullshit, they don’t really trade things like pork bellies or orange juice”.  It was all I could do not to lean over and get into the conversation, in fact overhearing that conversation was a catalyst behind staring this blog.  Both did trade at that time, however Pork Bellies were delisted by the Chicago Mercantile Exchange (CME) in 2011 due to lack of interest. Orange Juice Futures continue to trade at the IntercontinentalExchange (ICE), but at the time of the movie traded at the New York Board of Trade which was physically attached to the World Trade Center buildings.

So, early in the movie starts with a focus on the Pork Bellies market.   The quote, “Pork Bellies, I knew it” from Louis Winthorpe (Dan Aykroyd) has been repeated millions of times by traders around the world. However, the movie takes a turn, out of nowhere, to focus on the Orange Juice market.  The long term rumor in Chicago is that the CME changed their mind about allowing access to their floor for trading, possibly after seeing the nature of the movie script, so something that traded at a different exchange was substituted for Pork Bellies.   Maybe if CME had allowed access to the Pork Bellies pit that market would still be trading today.

Crop Reports

The price of anything is based on supply and demand.  In the case of agricultural crops, the supply side is based on growing season.  The US Department of Agricultural Statistics Service Florida Field Office periodically releases an update on the progress of the growing seasons for oranges.  Info on this report can be found at  USDA's National Agricultural Statistics Service Florida Field Office Citrus Production Forecast.  This is the report that moves the market in the climactic scene at the end of the movie.

The Bet

Randolph (Ralph Bellamy) and Mortimer Duke (Don Ameche) run a commodity brokerage firm and they make a bet on whether success is based on breeding (again, their words) or circumstances. Lots has been written on the inspiration for the actual bet.  Around the same time as the movie two well known traders in Chicago, Richard Dennis and Bill Eckhardt, conducted an experiment to see if trading could be taught.  They hired individuals through a Wall Street Journal ad and trained them to be traders. Dennis felt anyone could be taught to successfully trader while Eckhardt felt successful traders have a special knack for trading that can’t be taught.  Michael Covel does a wonderful job covering this in his book The Complete Turtle Trader also the rules they taught the traders can be found here Original Turtles Fighting Scams, Frauds, and Charlatans.

 Some Perspective on Numbers  

Since the movie was made in 1983, some of the numbers don’t sound all that impressive.  To give some perspective I’ve adjusted numbers to 2018 dollars based on inflation.  Early on the Dukes make about $347,000 extra by being patient on a Pork Bellies trade which is about $878,000 in 2018 dollars.   Later, the Dukes give Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) a salary of $80,000 a year, that’s about $200,000 in 2018 after being adjusted for inflation.   Ophelia note she’s got $42,000 in T-Bills earning interest, today’s interest rates are very low, but in 1983 3-month T-Bill rates were in the 8% to 9% range. Finally at the end of the movie the $394 million margin call the Dukes are expected to pay would be about $985 million in 2018.    

Behavioral Finance

At one point in the movie Pork Bellies contract prices are dropping and the Dukes decide to try to buy on the lower pricing.  Billy Ray intervenes with a discussion of how traders are panicking.  He states that traders are losing money and won’t be able to buy the GI Joe with a Kung Fu Grip for their kid for Christmas along with another illustration of why they are panicking.  There’s a lot of truth to what he’s saying about the behavior of traders and anyone that was on a trading floor back in the day can attest to this. His insights were cutting edge at the time as behavioral finance had not really caught on in the mainstream as it has today.

 Frank Oz

Not financial, but something I like to share.  The police officer that interrogates Winthrop and plants drugs on him is played by Frank Oz who is the voice of many of the muppets including Miss Piggy.  Since the movie was originally going to focus on the Pork Bellies market I find a little irony in this.  

Trading Floor

This is where those that use to be on a trading floor pay particular attention.  In 1983 trading was still an open outcry endeavor so the floor was packed with people in various trading pits.   The movie does a good job of capturing the electricity of the trading floor when Winthorp and Valentine first walk on the floor.  The scenes before their pit scene are from real trading activity.  Also, the variety of physical activity based on the stress of being a floor trader is shown, but I believe downplayed for sensitive viewers when they are in the bathroom before the trading day.

Several movies that depict floor trading have had individuals just show up and trade.  There’s an approval process to become a member of an exchange and the process takes some time.  It is doubtful they could get trading access in the short period of time covered in the movie.  Also, the legal trouble and financial status of both would probably exclude them from actually ever being able to trade on an exchange floor. 

The trader for the Dukes is doing a good job replicating the hand signals despite being an actor (Richard Hunt – who is also the voice of several of the muppets).  Also, when a floor trader notices the Dukes watching the price action their response is pretty accurate as well.  Back in floor trading days successful traders activity would be noted by other traders.  Also, if a well know industry figure is lurking around it would be noticed.

The falsified crop report given to the Dukes indicates that weather is having a negative impact on the growing season.  Therefore they have instructed their trader to buy as less supply of oranges will drive the price higher.  The actual report is that weather hasn’t impacted the crop and the result is a quick drop in prices.  This is why our heroes are selling, but also why they wait to sell as the Duke’s broker and presence pushes the price up.

When the report is delivered in real life it would be a headline from a press release.  The scene with the Secretary of Agriculture on TV is for dramatic effect.  When different government agencies release statistics it is normally done through a press release which appears on the news feed on various quote services.

Trading Places does a pretty good job depicting the reality of how the markets function, especially the commodity markets.  In the early 1980’s floor trading dominated the commodity markets and the movie’s depiction of the floor is spot on.  

[artificialqueens]

City of Stars Ch. 7 (Pearlet) - Leatwerpenn

A/N - Hi everyone. I have a pretty crazy week next week so i’m posting now just in case I don’t have time! Apologies for some of the errors in formatting the previous chapter. Some stuff was bold that shouldn’t have been. Very confusing!

Anyway, another chapter. It is now summer, and again, slight smut warning.

Enjoy :)

Chapter 7 (2011) 5 Years Before. LA. Summer.

Matt lay lounging on Violet’s bed as she sat, butt naked, applying make-up for that day. They were going out into downtown LA to look at perspective places for Matt’s bar. Jason had awoke feeling like Violet today, so, she painted her face to perfection while Matt watched in fascination.

“One day, will you paint me?” Matt asked timidly as he watched Violet apply false lashes. She turned and flashed her beautiful smile at Matt.

“Of course dork. Oh my god, I’m so excited!” Violet said, as she completed her transformation. She then stood up and placed a messy lipstick coated kiss on Matt’s lips. She then looked back to admire her work. “I don’t think red is your colour.” She laughed, returning back to her mirror to check her lipstick hadn’t smudged.

Matt rolled out of bed and made his way to Violets bathroom. A lot for Matt had changed in the short time they had been together. He had quickly gathered his belongings and had moved in with Jason and Violet. Kurtis was now living with Patrick, so the timing couldn’t have been better.

His piano was now located in Kurtis’ old bedroom, along with his collection of jazz memorabilia. Apart from that, Matt didn’t have many belongs to call his own. He was gutted that Courtney insisted that she keep most of their vintage car collection; but she had let him keep his favourite. He promised to pay her back when he could, which she agreed to. For that, he was thankful.

Matt looked at himself in the mirror while he waited for the water in the shower to heat up. He looked different… Happier and more confident in himself. He found his heart constantly felt warm these days.

He showered and wrapped the towel around him. It hung low on his hips as he swaggered back into the bedroom to get changed. Violet was now sitting ready for the day, on her bed with piles of paperwork spread across it. She had a determined look on her face as she continued to work. Matt thought she was her cutest when she concentrated. She bit her lip. Fucking adorable – He Thought.

Jason didn’t end up getting the part that had been spoken about in ‘Hurts.’ Which he took to heart. Ever since he found out, Jason spent most of his time as Violet. Matt thought he was using Violet as an escape from the rejection. He just hoped they were both okay.

“What you working on today Pumpkin?” Matt asked, as he got changed into his trademark jogging bottoms.

“I’m just trying to figure out this costume change between scenes, I’m considering maybe recording something and having it projected? Or, I could change behind a screen so you could see the shadows? What do you think?” Violet’s eyes looked so golden to Matt in that moment.

Since the rejection, Violet had decided to take things into her own hands. She really wanted to write, produce, direct and star in her own one woman show. She was hoping to combine all of her creative assets and produce a burlesque/cabaret hybrid show. Matt was just happy she was focusing on her own passions after expressing to him how lost Jason left after losing out on the audition.

“I really like the changing idea with the screen actually, especially if you had the lighting right. Could be beautiful.” Matt towel dried his hair as he walked over to Violet.

This was how they got ready most mornings. Talking about their passions, laughing, and making love. They both worked odd hours, but they always seemed to make time for one another. Matt had never felt this way before. Was this what true love felt like?

Matt grabbed his phone from the side and pulled Violet into his lap. He kissed her on the cheek as he held his phone out to take a picture. He didn’t know it yet, but this would be his favourite.

_______________________________________

Violet felt sorry for Matt. They had just been to look at a perspective property and he didn’t get ‘the feeling’.

He had been doing nothing but hunting for properties ever since he and his girlfriend broke up. Matt’s passion had driven Violet to follow her path. She felt like he bought the best out in her.

But lately, Matt had been getting more and more frustrated about the properties not feeling right, or being in the wrong location, or being too expensive. Violet felt Matt’s frustration, as all of the places they had looked at were horrible. LA was overpriced and achievable.

“Vi, I’m seriously considering changing locations. I can’t afford LA. Or, maybe I need another job. God, if I wasn’t so shit at playing piano maybe I could make us more money. Fuck!” Matt rarely got angry, but every now and then Violet saw little sparks of the guy that hollered at her in the traffic that day. This was one of those moments. She giggled at his attempt to be butch.

“Calm down, c’mon. Let’s go to Charlie’s.” She held his hand and stroked the back with her thumb to try and calm him. She placed a kiss on his lips and dragged him towards the car.

Violet loved fussing over Matt. It made her forget her problems. Truth be told, she hadn’t felt like being Jason lately. Jason had really wanted the ‘Hurts’ role he had gone for. He had sat by the phone for days, waiting, praying, that they hadn’t called because they were finally figuring out a script. Turns out, the network the job was for wasn’t interested in having a ‘feminine’ man in the show. Max explained on the phone it wasn’t because he was gay, and that she loved him and wanted to work with him in the future. Jason however, felt like it was another attack from narrow minded people. He felt like he was re-living high school all over again. He and Violet hated it. When Violet had her show figured out. She was going to invite Max, and the network, and she was going to make sure she got a job from it.

She never told Matt the reason why Jason didn’t get the role. But the pain that rejection had caused Jason only made her more determined to succeed.

Violet stared out of the car window as they drove to Matt’s work. She had her hand placed on his, as they drove across the city. She often sat in the bar or danced the night away while Matt worked. He had convinced Charlie to introduce Jazz Night on Tuesday’s; where you could listen to the local talent fight through the form of music till the early hours of the morning. Charlie only allowed you to order from the bar menu on Tuesday’s and Violet loved Charlie’s fried chicken.

She hadn’t felt this happy for a very long time, and as she looked into the night sky out of the car window. All she could see, were stars.

(2001) 10 Years Before. Atlanta. Spring.

“Auntie! Yay!” Jason ran into the golden sunroom and jumped into his Auntie’s arms. He hadn’t seen her for a while. He held tightly onto her as she stroked his back.

“Hey baby boy! Goodness! Look how big you are now! You are not even a baby anymore!” Jason hadn’t seen his auntie in over a year, she was a really amazing performer and had been away from Atlanta for some time.

“I missed you! I’m writing a new song but I just can’t finish it! Will you help me?” Jason’s eyes sparkled whenever he spoke about his music.

“I’m sure you will finish it eventually my little star, or big star now! But first, presents!” She turned around to pull out two items from her bag. His face lit up seeing the two gifts.

“I get two! You shouldn’t have!” Jason took the gifts with delight. He unwrapped them with no haste and she saw his eyes sparkle gold as he looked at the pink key ring of the Eiffel Tower, and the small Chanel bag.

“Auntie… you shouldn’t have! This is so pretty! What is this though? Why would I need a girl’s bag? No boys at school have a bag like this one. They all have Ninja Turtles or Pokemon.” Jason looked at her with curiosity in his eyes. She smiled and laughed.

“Why else silly! To put things in! And look, you can attach the key ring to the side here. You can always remember me as your crazy Aunt, who bought you gifts you might not use just because it was pretty! And these are both from France, isn’t that fancy!” She was laughing as she spoke but Jason, even at a young age, understood what she meant.

“Thank you so much. I’ll keep them forever.” Jason put the purse over his shoulder and proceeded to strut around the living room, composing a song about his new bag.

Auntie Addie glanced across the room to see Jason’s mum smile and mouth a ‘thank you.’

Every time Jason thought about his Auntie, all he could see, were stars.

(2011) LA. Summer.

“Hey Charlie, can I grab a vodka?” Violet took her money out of her Chanel purse and paid for the drink. She sat back and watched Matt play on stage. He was playing in a 5 piece combo tonight. She always thought he looked so happy and free when he played with others. He looked completely different to how he looked when he played alone. When Matt played alone he showed his love for the piano and nothing else, but when he was with others, he showed his passion truly for Jazz.

Violets feet were hurting after all of the walking they had done that day, so she slipped off her shoes and wiggled her toes. That felt good.

She was bouncing her knee up and down to the music when Charlie’s wife, Dela, came and took her hand. Violet had a real soft spot for Dela, as she reminded her of her mother. She was an older lady with a slight 50s style that Violet loved. They had gotten to know each other quite well due to their shared love of everything vintage.

“C’mon doll, let’s dance while the boys work hey?” Violet got up, tripping a little on the way, and proceeded to dance till she thought her feet would fall off.

_______________________________________

Matt loved watching Violets attempt at dancing whenever he played in his combo group. She didn’t quite know how to articulate her long limbs when she danced to a faster beat and it made Matt smile.

He was noticing all of these small things about her that he didn’t notice at first. He loved her laugh. He loved this spot on her collar bone just above her contoured on breasts. He loved smudging off her fake beauty mark with his thumb after they had made love. He knew he was in love with her, he just couldn’t find the right moment to tell her.

Matt had finished for the night and was waiting for Violet to say goodbye to Dela. He thought it was cute that they were bonding. Violet didn’t have many friends and it warmed his heart to see her interacting so well with others . He noticed someone staring at him from across the bar. Where have I seen you before? The man approached and smiled when he got closer. Oh god no.

“Matthew Lent? Oh my god! I knew it was you! I would recognise those skills anywhere.” Standing in front of Matt was Raja. He was someone Matt just considered an acquaintance, they did however, have history. Raja was an amazing Jazz singer, and Matt envied that he was becoming more popular.

“Hey Raja, how have you been?” Matt wasn’t at all interested but he didn’t want to seem rude. He kept an eye on Violet from across the room.

“I’m great! I’m putting a combo group together and our keys just let us down. Spot is open, if you are interested? It’s a paying gig too?” Paying gig? Jesus. I do need the money.

“Really? Wow! I’ll have think about it. I think I have your number, so ill text and let you know?” Matt smiled at Raja. They had never got on, but if it meant getting his foot in the door, he was willing.

“Sure man, see you around. Your girl is smoking by the way.” Raja winked as he left.

Matt’s phone vibrating in his pocket forced him to move his gaze away from staring at where Raja had just left. He didn’t even check caller ID, nor did he realise how late it was for someone to be calling him.

“Sup?” He answered.

“Matthew, long time no speak son. How are you?” Matt’s blood ran cold, as he heard the all too familiar sound of the man he hated most on earth, at the other end of the line.

“Father, hello.” Matt didn’t quite know how to respond. His father always made him feel so nervous. Matt saw that Violet was engrossed in a deep conversation with Dela so he decided to take the call outside. The cold air slapped his face. When did LA become so cold in the summer?

“I just wanted to call to say that I spoke to Mr and Mrs Act recently. So, you dumped one of Hollywood’s most popular actress’. Why?” Well, he didn’t hang around.

“Because I don’t love her dad. I have met someone else. I’m a grown man, I didn’t think I really needed to justify anything to you anymore.” Matt took out a cigarette and lit it. He was starting to shake. He wasn’t sure if it was nerves, terror, or the cold.

“Who is it then? This woman that is better than THE Courtney Act!” Matt’s father sounded irritated on the phone and it was only now that he noticed that he was slurring his words. Nothing had changed.

“Her name is Violet, and she is an up and coming burlesque and cabaret performer, and I love her. To be honest dad, I do not give a fuck what you think. Now, please only call if it is an emergency.” Matt went to hang up the phone when he heard his dad faintly.

“Violet, oh that’s a wonderful name. At least she doesn’t have a name like Alex, James, Jake, you know…” Matt stopped dead.

“Actually, she has a name like Jason but don’t worry about it. Goodbye.” Matt hung up his phone and stared at it for the longest time. A faint smile spread across his face. He heard Violets heels clicking to come and greet him and he felt the warmth return to his heart. He looked up into the sky and all he could see, were stars.

(2001) 10 Years Before. New York. Spring.

“Hey mum, it’s Matty.” Matt sat down at her grave and rested the bouquet of Violets on top of her headstone gently. “You know mum, I still don’t understand why these are your favourite. They smell weird.” He looked down at the ground, sat crossed legged and started picking at the grass.

“So, I’m going to tell you a secret, but I think you already know. I think you knew all along and that’s why you tried to protect me from all of the mean people in the world.” Matt sighed and took a deep breath.

“I think I might be gay. Or at least, I don’t think I’m straight. But I can’t tell dad. Why is this mum? I don’t understand why he’s so against it. He calls Detox a ‘dirty faggot’ all of the time and it really hurts my feelings. I do not think I love Detox. But… I don’t know. Being a teenager is so confusing without you.”

Matt felt tears on his cheeks. He wiped them away with the back of his sleeve

“Why am I not like the others kids in my class? Even Detox isn’t in my year at school so I don’t really have any friends. The only time I don’t feel alone is when I play piano, as I feel like you are by my side.” He laid his palm flatly on the dirt. He could feel her beneath him.

“I love you mum, and I hope one day when I’m older that I will be an amazing parent, just like you were. Thank you for loving me.”

Matt stood up, kissed her headstone and put his hands into the front pocket of his hoody. And as he left the graveyard; he looked up into the sky, and all he could see, were stars.

(2011) LA. Summer.

“Hey, look. I made you something.” Matt looked up from his music book, glasses on and blunt in mouth; from where he was sitting on the couch to see Violet, wearing a sexy black lingerie set with one of his white shirts hung loosely over the top.

Fuck.

The blunt hung from his lips as he stared at her.

Am I high enough to be imagining this?

“You are making me horny. That’s what” he replied. In a low voice. Violet giggled and moved to sit near Matt. She then leaned over to peck him on his cheek, moving his song book to the side. She then held up her drawing proudly for inspection.

Matt studied it with care. “Why does it say ‘Matt’s’?” Matt was looking at what looked like a logo. ‘Matt’s’ was written in a carefully selected script style of lettering with a quaver note as the apostrophe.

Clever. Why didn’t I think of that?

“Because, nobody is going to come to a club called ‘Blunts and Burgers’, especially if you sell fried chicken like I want you too.” She pecked him on his cheek and climbed into his lap. He held her close.

“But I like blunts, and I like burgers.” Matt whined. Violet laughed at his bratty nature. She took the blunt from his mouth and took a couple of drags. She was partial to a smoke every now and then, especially if Matt was involved. He kissed her temple and whispered a thank you into her ear. She meowed in delight.

“This illusion is blowing my mind, but I just have to ask, where in the hell is your dick? It’s so confusing.” He tried to move her panties to the side to have a look and Violet swatted his hand away.

“Look but no touch, this is for you baby.” Violet inhaled another drag of the blunt before stubbing it out in the ashtray nearby. She blew the smoke in Matts face and began to trial open mouthed kisses down his neck, nibbling as she went. Some of Violets make-up was coming off on him but she didn’t mind. She bunched his shirt in her hands as she moved back up and kissed him passionately on the mouth. She continued to kiss him while she undid each button on his shirt. One at a time, very slowly. Stopping only to look at Matt’s blissful face.

She heard soft moans from Matt as she moved down his body. Her knee’s touched the carpet a little roughly, but she liked the feeling. His head was thrown back and his lips were parted slightly.

God, you are perfect.

Violet was now kissing around his belly button, playing with his nipples at the same time. She moved her hands down his chest, grazing her nails back over his nipple as she went.

I’m going to make you feel amazing baby.

She kissed each pelvic bone, leaving red lipstick behind, before starting to palm his erection through his jogging bottoms. “God, Yes!” Matt hissed.

Violet took that as a signal and pulled his bottoms down, freeing Matt’s erection from being confined. She took it in his hands and started to rub the tip with her thumb. She massaged his balls with one of her hands while holding herself up with the other. Moving on, she kissed the top and then took it into her mouth at once. Matt inhaled sharply at the sensation. She began to move up and down, slow and steady. Violet stopped and looked back at Matt. She bit her lip as she did. His brows were crossed in concentration. She was aroused herself, and as she was tucked, it was starting to become uncomfortable. Violet however, liked the sensation and it only made her want Matt more.

She took his length into her mouth and started again, to suck on it. She moved her lips all the way down his shaft until her nose was deep in his pubic hair. She then went just as slow as she moved backwards. Up and down, over and over.

While bobbing her head, she massaged Matt’s balls between her palm. Matt groaned and grabbed her by her hair.

Good job I pinned this shit in good.

Violet increased her pace a little and she could feel Matt’s balls getting tighter in her hands. She pulled back all of a sudden and Matt whimpered at the loss of contact.

Very sexily, and looking at Matt dead in his bedroom eyes; She put her index finger fake nail into her mouth and pulled it off, spitting it across the room. She then put her finger into her mouth, sucking her finger as though it was Matt’s cock. Up and down, looking directly into Matt’s eyes; while she pumped his dick with her other hand.

“’Soon.” Matt rasped and Violet lowered her head back to sucking Matt’s cock. At the last moment, she inserted her finger into Matt’s hole, tapping at his prostate to send him over the edge.

Matt came, moaning a loud “Fucking hell Vi!” And all he could see were stars.

[authorhaleyclark]

The Endangered Species Act and Why It Should Be Preserved

The Environmental Species Act (ESA) and Why It Should Be Preserved

             Animals are facing threats every day, from changing environments, human expansion, and poaching. Whether one likes to face it or not, the ESA is a vital act that helps to protect many animals and without it, many animals will go extinct between 2050. Poaching especially poses one of the most major threats to animals.

 How Illegal Poaching is Hurting Endangered Species

In today’s society, it seems that people have no regard for life--human or otherwise. Every day in the news, there are stories of shootings or stabbings and people being hurt. These are the stories that are talked about. The stories that aren’t really talked about are the stories of innocent, endangered animals that suffer because people think that it’s “fun” to go hunting, or because people want the money that comes from selling the fur or ivory on the black market. Sometimes these stories make it on the news, but even when they do, people do not care.

They dismiss these stories saying, “It’s just an animal”. They are right on one thing--it is an animal, but it is also an animal that lives in the world, is vital to the ecosystem, and can experience pain. Killing animals does not only hurt them, but it also hurts the environment. Many would argue that killing exotic animals, animals that many of us can only see in zoos brings with it the opportunity to make a lot of money - as if that somehow makes it okay. Exotic animals that poachers and trophy hunters target consist of, but are not limited to, elephants, tigers, lions, lemurs, giraffes, and rhinos. Many of the animals listed above are listed as vulnerable, endangered, or critically endangered by the Endangered Species Act or the International Union for Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources. Many animals have already gone extinct because of hunting -- the western black rhinoceros (a subspecies of the black rhino) went extinct in 2011 because of hunting (USA Today).

Other statistics show just how damaging poaching is. The population of the black rhino has decreased by 97.6% since 1960, fewer than 900 mountain gorillas remain in the wild, and lions have lost 85% of their historic range (Africa Wildlife Foundation). Rhinos and lions are not the only ones in danger because of poaching; elephants, lemurs, tigers, and even turtles suffer because of poaching.

Some people would say that poaching actually helps conservation efforts. How? Poaching does not help conservation efforts; if anything, it hurts them because these animals are endangered, some bordering on extinction. Continuing to hunt them will drive the species towards extinction, likely within the next century. Many of these animals, like tigers, have less than 10,000 individuals in the wild. Tigers, who are hunted for their pelts, bones, and teeth are estimated to have between 2,500 and 3,980 individuals left in the wild. Much of what should be their range is left uninhabited because the illegal hunting and poaching has decimated their population.

All animals are suffering because of poaching, and the already decimated populations cannot take any more poaching. Arguably, elephants have suffered the most along with rhinos. These two species cannot take anymore poaching, but no one cares about their population status - the people who hunt these animals only care about the money. Ivory, which comes from the tusks of elephants and rhino horns, are a source of greed for many poachers. Ivory from elephants was valued at $2,100 per 2.2 pounds, and rhino horns have been reported to sell for $65,000 per 2.2 pounds in 2012 (USA Today). That has rhino horns valued at more than cocaine, diamonds, or gold.

The prospect of getting rich is a great allure for many poachers who hunt these animals illegally. Many who poach animals are part of a larger crime syndicate. Those who hunt the animals illegally use military grade weapons like grenades, AK-47s, GPS trackers, night vision goggles, and low flying helicopters (Africa Wildlife Foundation). Others, like trophy hunters, pay $10,000 for the “right” to kill an animal. Nothing gives anyone the “right” to kill an animal, especially animals that are vital to the ecosystem.  Elephants and other animal populations balance out the ecosystem. For example, in the United States, the gray wolf was hunted to near extinction; populations of elk soared and nearly brought the aspen tree to extinction but now, with the increasing population of gray wolves in the park, the elk population has balanced out and two species are on the rebound (One Green Planet).

Poaching is a prevalent danger to these exotic animals, and it should not be overlooked --  neither should breeding said endangered animals for slaughter. It is not only in Africa where these animals are in danger but also in the USA and Asian countries. The Asian elephant is critically endangered and like most other elephants hunted for the tusks. But only the male Asian elephant is being hunted because only the male has tusks. If all of the male Asian elephants are killed, there will be an imbalance in the population, and the Asian elephant will go extinct because only females will be left.

When it comes to poaching, people most often think of rhinos and elephants, because they are the animals that are bigger and easier to track. They are the ones who get worldwide attention, such as when a poacher cuts off a rhino’s horn while the rhino is still alive. But they aren’t the only victims to poaching -- lesser known victims include lemurs, tigers, and even certain species of sea turtles.

The human desire for tiger parts is insatiable and is leading to the decline of the tiger population. Tiger skins, bones, teeth, claws, tails and even whiskers find a place on the black market as decorative items or ingredients in traditional Asian remedies. The illegal trade is further fueled by tiger farms in China and Vietnam where large numbers of the animals are bred for their body parts (World Wildlife Foundation). Estimates have tiger populations at less than 5,000 individuals.

Another lesser known animal that is affected by poaching is the lemur. Over 90% of lemur species, found only on the island of Madagascar, are considered vulnerable, endangered, or critically endangered (USA Today). Like tigers, lemurs are hunted for their body parts and more often than not, for their meat. Some countries have recognized that these exotic populations are in danger and have put in regulations when it comes to trophy hunting, but these regulations and laws often are not enforced and do nothing to affect the illegal poaching of the animals.

Zimbabwe, Namibia, Tanzania, Mozambique, and South Africa were allowed to export a certain number of tusks in 2015 by the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Fauna and Flora (National Geographic). In Zimbabwe, they were allowed to export 1,000 tusks; however, from 2003 to 2013, trophy hunters exported more than 28 tons of tusks from Zimbabwe -- far exceeding what they are allowed (National Geographic). It is likely that the same thing has happened to Tanzania, as Tanzania’s Serengeti National Park has lost 60% of its elephants to poaching in just five years (National Geographic).

           With how much danger these animal populations are in and how close many of them are to extinction, one would expect these horrific stories and statistics would make national and international headlines. But when was the last time anyone saw a story about how poaching has put animals in danger? Many would say not recently or even not at all. That is the problem. No one talks about it.

           It is nothing that is on the mind of society. People are more absorbed in their phones, the latest technology, the latest celebrity gossip, and things that don’t actually matter -- things and objects that in the long run will not make a difference in your life. In some communities, however, this is a real issue as, “Local wildlife is considered an important resource by many communities, often the poorest, in the developing world. Some rural households depend on wild animals for protein, trees for fuel, and both wild animals and plants for natural cures” (World Wildlife Foundation).

           Even with people and the environment relying on the animals, in 2011, poachers killed one in every twelve elephants (USA Today). Another survey says that “100,000 African elephants were poached across the continent between 2010 and 2012” (USA Today).  That’s damaging to the elephant population which only has 450,000-700,000 African elephants left in the wild and only 35,000-40,000 Asian elephants left in the wild (Defenders of Wildlife). According to calculations, the total worldwide population before was between 585,000 and 840,000 individuals; that is a big loss for a short amount of time. If only the Asian elephant had been targeted, the species likely would have been wiped out.

           But again, these aren’t the headlines that make the news. The last time that a poaching story came to national and consequently worldwide attention was when Cecil the Lion was killed in Zimbabwe by a trophy hunter. This sparked worldwide public outrage because Cecil was very well-known and coincidentally an endangered animal (the lion is listed as a vulnerable species with a declining population). After that small spotlight of attention his death gained, one would think that things would change in terms of poaching and trophy hunting, like a decline in both murderous ventures. But they haven’t. Once all the news coverage had died down, trophy hunting and poaching went back into the shadows and became a thing forgotten about. Something no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge.

           If there isn’t a stop to poaching, there will be disastrous consequences. Lions currently have a population of about 20,000 individuals when half a century ago their numbers were at 450,000. They have been killed mercilessly by poachers and are facing extinction by the time 2020 rolls around (Defenders of Wildlife). Giraffes are facing a similar problem. If they go extinct, what will happen to the environment? The public doesn’t know what the consequences for poaching our because they don’t know how it is affecting the wildlife and the environment because it is not being talked about.

           It needs to be talked about. There need to be stricter laws for those who poach and violate trophy hunting laws, the current laws and any new laws need to be enforced, and the public needs to be educated. Without these three things happening, nothing will change. The world will remain in the same cycle of ignoring problems such as these, and the animals will suffer for it. Eventually, people themselves will suffer for it. The ecosystem will have to compensate for the missing primary and secondary consumers.

           Thus, making it incredibly urgent -- that the current laws and regulations be enforced, that the laws and regulations offer harsher punishments (like jail time, or paying a large amount of money), and that the public be educated on what is happening. People aren’t informed and they need to be because this is a real issue. If they did, maybe they would care. Maybe they wouldn’t. Either way, it is time to take action and put a stop to poaching.

 Why the Endangered Species Act Should be Preserved

“The Endangered Species Act is the strongest and most effective tool we have to repair the environmental harm that is causing a species to decline.” - Norm Dicks (former U.S. Representative for Washington’s 6th congressional district)

           The ESA helps to promote awareness and without it, many would not know of the plight facing endangered animals. Skeptics will doubt the evidence presented earlier in this paper and will not care whether the animals go extinct or not. However, the extinction of animals will have environmental consequences. “If one species in the food web ceases to exist, one or more members in the rest of the chain could cease to exist too. A plant or animal doesn't even have to become extinct to affect one of its predators. The harelip sucker fish, for example, used to eat snails in the 19th century. After waste, topsoil and other debris invaded rivers where the fish lived, the snail population dwindled. The U.S. Geological Survey notes that this decline probably caused the fish to go extinct.” (Leaf Group).

Humans also have a dramatic effect on natural urban populations. “Urbanization and industrialization around a natural habitat may have helped lead to the harelip sucker fish's demise. Humans also affect the food web in other ways. Overfishing occurs when people take too much food from the oceans, and species can't replace themselves. Atlantic cod almost became extinct in the 1900s when fishermen removed too many of those fish from the sea” (Leaf Group).

As humans, we need to be more aware of the impact that we have on the environment. It is incredibly urgent then, that the ESA be kept in place. As stated before: There need to be stricter laws for those who poach and violate trophy hunting laws, the current laws and any new laws need to be enforced, and the public needs to be educated. Without these three things happening, nothing will change. The world will remain in the same cycle of ignoring problems such as these, and the animals will suffer for it. Eventually, people themselves will suffer for it. The ecosystem will have to compensate for the missing primary and secondary consumers. The food chain will be disrupted and biodiversity will be negatively affected. Take the case of the gray wolf for instance; the gray wolf population was decimated in the 20th century and without gray wolves to control the elk population, it exploded killing many plants and threatening the lives of a bird species who now was lacking food, and thus the mosquito and other insect populations that the bird was meant to control boomed because the bird population had started to decline because of the elks. This never would have happened if the wolf population had remained stable.

The Endangered Species Act, passed in 1973, may be in some need of modernization but that does not mean weakening it – if anything it needs to be strengthened. Without the Endangered Species Act, the bald eagle, American alligator, gray wolf, Florida panther, California condor, Northern spotted owl, Peregrine falcon, Santa Catalina Island fox, Antillean manatee, and the Grizzly bear would have all gone extinct. It is thanks to the ESA that these animals are still around.

“Scientists have concluded that 227 species would have gone extinct between 1973 and 2005 without the ESA’s protections. Its broad mandate that vast stretches of habitat require protection in order to preserve the creatures living in them has produced cascading benefits for ecosystems in the Pacific Northwest, the Everglades, the Chesapeake Bay, Shenandoah National Park, and along the New England coast. Since 1973 more than 1,600 animal and plant species have been declared endangered or threatened, and the great majority are headed toward recovery because of the ESA, researchers say.” (Ketcham).

The ESA is facing major opposition and pushes for it to possibly be eradicated altogether. This would be a disaster. Humans have already cut off many animals from their historic ranges. “Republicans say the ESA needs updating to meet the demands of 21st-century America. That push is led by the House Natural Resources Committee, chaired by Rob Bishop, a Utah Republican who exercises broad purview over wildlife legislation. Bishop declined to be interviewed for this article. But at a House hearing last December, he spoke candidly of his intentions. “I would be happy to invalidate the Endangered Species Act,” he said” (Ketcham).

Additionally, there have been many arguments that the ESA hampers economic growth but Christopher Ketcham who wrote an article on the ESA for National Geographic says, “Last among the witnesses was Ya-Wei Li, an endangered species attorney at Defenders of Wildlife who has investigated allegations that the ESA is bad for local economies. I called up Li a week after the hearing. “We hear all these claims about killing jobs, driving down the economy, because [the ESA] is supposedly being implemented like a blunt hammer,” Li told me. “But the evidence doesn’t show it.” In a study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, Li and colleague Jacob Malcolm examined the results of 88,290 ESA-mandated consultations from January 2008 through April 2015. They concluded that during the seven-year study period “no project was stopped or extensively altered” as a result of ESA-mandated consultations.”

Like cheetahs, grizzlies are occupying only a small percentage of their historic range. Human expansion has played a big part of that, and it is not something that can easily be stopped. But, we need to pay bigger attention the effect that human actions will have on the environment and animals, and try to minimize the consequences. That includes keeping the ESA in place and strengthening it not eradicating or weakening it. Additionally, there need to be harsher crackdowns on poaching and the black market so that ESA protected species like elephants and varying rhino species, have a chance to recover and someday be taken off the Endangered Species List.

I may sound like I’m repeating myself, however, in this case, I think it is necessary in order to get my point across. Do not get rid of the Endangered Species Act; improve upon it and strengthen it, but don’t weaken or get rid of it.

Let me end with this quote by Jim Saxton (a former a member of the United States House of Representatives from 1984 to 2009), “It is a drastic mistake to eliminate the provisions that have to do with the protection of habitat for endangered species. It is my opinion that the Endangered Species Act is 99 percent about protecting critical habitat.”

Works Cited

"Africa's Poaching Crisis – AWF." Africa's Poaching Crisis – AWF. Africa Wildlife Foundation, n.d. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

Https://www.facebook.com/DefendersofWildlife/. "Basic Facts About Elephants." Defenders of Wildlife. N.p., 19 Sept. 2016. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

"Did We Only Bring Wolves Back So We Can Kill Them Again?" Predator Defense - Protecting Wolves at Risk. N.p., 2016. Web. 09 Dec. 2016.

Https://www.facebook.com/onegreenplanet. "The Devastating Effects of Wildlife Poaching." One Green Planet. N.p., n.d. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

"Illegal Wildlife Trade." WWF. World Wildlife Fund, n.d. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

"Is Trophy Hunting Helping Save African Elephants?" National Geographic. National Geographic Society, n.d. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

Joubert, Dereck, and Beverly Joubert. "Can We Save Lions?" Defenders of Wildlife. N.p., 08 May 2012. Web. 09 Dec. 2016.

Ketcham, Christopher. "Inside the Effort to Kill Protections for Endangered Animals." National Geographic. National Geographic Society, 19 May 2017. Web. 20 May 2017.

Leaf Group. "What Happens When Something in a Food Chain Goes Extinct?" What Happens When Something in a Food Chain Goes Extinct? Seattle PI, 29 Sept. 2016. Web. 20 May 2017.

Phelan, GlobalPost Jessica. "6 Endangered Animals Poachers Are Hunting into Extinction." USA Today. Gannett Satellite Information Network, 31 July 2015. Web. 08 Dec. 2016.

Photo courtesy of National Geographic