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theflashfictioner · 5 years ago

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Bad Blood part three

I was told there were grammar issues but never found all of them so please let me know what you see.

As always, credit to the lovely @randomfanders-blog for the amazing idea!! Lemme know what y'all think!

Working for the fastest man alive, you'd think that you'd have done more research for treatments, but not at all. It's just training on getting faster. And although that's the reason your dad swears you need him to stay safe, you wish you were let in more on the planning. You're 23 for crying out loud! You can't be kept in the dark forever, but you knew he had his cryptic reasons, as always.

Which is why walking into the room when Caitlin was scolding Cisco and Barry was your favourite way to start the day.

"Well I'm the eyes and ears and he's the feet," you heard Cisco lamely explain as Barry sped into the cortex in a flurry of papers.

"He shouldn't be running around like some supersonic fireman, Cisco," you piped in. "He could have gotten himself killed," you continue and sit in the chair next to Cisco.

Barry and Caitlin got into it, along with Dr. Wells, and you sat back quietly as they discussed restraint for the billionth time already. When Dr. Wells and Caitlin walked to the dashboard, Cisco stopped Barry.

"Hey, anything weird happen out there? Your vitals spiked."

"Never better," Barry said as he answered his phone and talked to Joe.

As he walked out of the cortex and to the police station, you laughed as Dr. Wells made a comment about Barry not taking his clothes.

"I can't tell you how much I would pay to see how he fixes that " you said, unable to stop laughing. Cisco shook his head and both Caitlin and Dr. Wells left as you kept chuckling and began to get to work. You did have a job after all.

A while later, Caitlin was scolding him after telling her about his fainting and dizziness, and you helped hook him up to everything, trying not to interrupt Caitlin. When Cisco commented on her anger from Ronnie, you all were talking about how you miss him. Cisco set him up with the tread mill, trying to figure everything out and you watched him pass out and hit the wall, laughing hysterically as he did.

"I'm sorry," you said between giggles, " it's just that this only happens in cartoons. It's so much funnier in real life."

Caitlin rolled her eyes and looked at you, "Can you calm down enough to help me get him to the medical room?"

You bit your lip and nodded as you worked together to carry him and set him on the hospital. Caitlin hooked him up to an IV bag, and you all thought the work was done, but it was gone in seconds, so you and Caitlin hooked up one after the other to keep up with his quickly depleting vitals, until bag 39 lasted a few minutes, and then bag 40 took the normal amount of time to drain into his system.

When he woke up and was informed of his condition,he started saying all he needed was an IV bag, and you bit back laughter as he saw the pole full of bags. Dr. Wells told him the number of bags he used, chuckling. Caitlin told him that she came up with a new diet, which Cisco put into the terms of tacos, and then left to add cheese and guacamole, which made you laugh as Joe came in and scolded Barry. Joe then getting on Dr. Wells for not keeping Barry safe, who then yelled back at Joe about how he needed to help since he couldn't help his Dad, who was in Jail.

"You think you're so smart. /All/ of you. But you dont know what you dont know and I hope that you're clever enough to figure it out before somebody gets killed," Joe said before walking out and you all fell into silence.

"Food for thought," you said and everyone turned to you. "How is he and the police gonna figure it out if the smartest people in the room can't? What can they do that we can't?"

Barry shrugged and ran out to go back to his day job. Dr. Wells came and sat next to you, and you sighed. " I know I shouldn't be so upset, but I can't help but be tired of his superiority complex; the way he had to make us feel like we aren't trying to keep him alive and that we want people killed, Dad. None of us want to keep him safe as much as you and I," you said.

"Y/N, dont worry about Joe. You and I will prove our worth and become part of the greatest story to ever be told. Now, why dont you cool off and go grab some lunch," he said and you nodded, heading out.

It was as you were grabbing your coffee from the barista at Jitters that you saw the news, and rushed back to STAR Labs to help when you could. You got there a little too late and walked in as Caitlin was patching up Barry.

"You got Blood on my suit," Cisco said as he worked with a miners lamp on his head.

Barry looked incredulously at him as he tersely replied that some it probably belonged to the not so friendly meta, and Dr. Wells threw up a portrait on the screen.

"Danton Black. Hes a bio geneticist specialized in therapeutic cloning. Growing new organs to replace failing ones."

"Apparently Stagg stole his research and fired him," said Caitlin, sympathy displaying on her face.

Realization Barry's face, "I saw Black create duplicates of himself."

Cisco laughed, "That's pretty ironic. The guy specialized in cloning and now he can make xeroxes of himself."

"If he was experimenting on himself when he was exposed to the dark matter wave during the particle accelerator explosion-" you started to say before Cisco cut in.

"Meet Captian Clone!" He said in awe.

Everyone looked at him and he cowered a little, saying he'd find something cooler.

Barry was heading out and Caitlin asked where he was going.

"Joe was right. I'm in way over my head. I can barely fight one meta human, let alone six."

"Barry!" Dr. Wells called, "I understand. Today was a setback, but any grand enterprise has them, and we can never learn to fly without crashing a few times."

His face is wrought with defeat as he retorts, "This wasn't a grand enterprise, Dr. Wells. This was a mistake."

Barry retreats backwards and all of you watch as he leaves, before turning to your dad who looked worried. He left and went away and you awkwardly sit down and try to fix the gnawing feeling in your gut at his words. You decide that it's wrong. Your dad was a good guy and just wanted the best, so you sigh deeply and get back to work.

*A little later*

Your dad had left to go talk to Dr. Stagg. You decide to take a walk to stretch your legs and walked around for a bit, stumbling onto this weird panelling that seemed different from the rest of the wall. Like there was something behind it, but as you went to touch it, your phone chimes. You see a text from your dad saying to make sure to stay in the cortex until Barry came back, so you hurriedly went back, glancing back at the door once more before it disappeared from your view as you made your way to the cortex.

As you walked up, you saw Danton Black, and you hid as he stared at Caitlin and Cisco menacingly. You quietly walked away and called your dad when you were far enough away, as you had heard Caitlin call Barry and knew she ans Cisco would be okay.

When your dad came in, you guys both took a look at him and noticed he wasn't moving. Strange, but as you kept talking to it, it didn't move. Once you had all realised it was only a clone, Barry rushed in and freaked out, before Caitlin clued him in on what everyone else already knew.

"How did you get it?" He asked with confusion colouring his tone.

"I grew him" she answered, before going on to describe the process which she'd done to get a homemade Danton Black.

"Why isn't he moving?"Barry asked as he waved his hand in front of Homemade, as you deemed to call him, yet again.

"Take a look at the brain scans, the motor functions are on but little else," you offered.

"We think its acting as a receiver," said Cisco.

"So how do I know which one is the real one?" Barry asked

"That occurred to given your own passing out. BLACK HAS LIMITS JUST LIKE YOU. CONTROLLING THAT MANy would be exhausting. Look for the one showing signs of weakness," Caitlin told him.

Dr. Wells shrugged and said, "Just a theory, but one you might want to put to the test."

Cisco walked over excitedly and handed Barry a bar as he explained the calorie contents of it. Then Homemade moved and Joe shot it causing Caitlin to scream. Joe gave Barry a pep talk to motivate him to go Stop Danton. You them moved to help clean up the dead body and go get rid of it. Your dad followed as you dragged him out and looked at you.

"Y/N, you need to run him as far as you can so that you can get rid of him without anyone knowing. Understand?"He ordered, gaze piercing through you.

"Yes, dad, will do." You grabbed him and ran off as everyone else took care of Barry through the fight. By the time you got back, the fight was over and Barry was back. You saw the news about Danton and your heart fluttered in the sorrow you felt. Cisco named him MultiPlex and you smiled a little as Barry gave a pep talk of his own about how everyone was a part of the fighting before he left. You then nodded to your dad and he knew you'd done what needed to be done before sitting down and sighing. Life was definitely different from what you thought it would be. Dad wheeled off and you sat with Caitlin and Cisco as Barry then headed to help with an armed car robbery.

Your dad told you he had an errand that night and that no matter what, you were to stay home and not leave. When he came home, he had a bloody knife and told you he did what history needed to be done. You felt a pit in your stomach but cleaned the knife and set it away, praying that you'd get some sleep tonight.

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s0l0b0d0r · 5 years ago

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SOME random ninjago hc that is in the RTO au

i wrote a lot of hc that fit the RTO au, not necessarily associated with Future and so here we are

it’s long so here’s a summary of the HCs, you’ll find them under the cut

Timetwins childhoods

+ Kronos HCs (as requested by @moonprincess101)

cyrus HC

Pixal HC

couple other than future in RTO

EMs and elemental power in general

Zane & the ICE EM reincarnation

Morro & Ronin sibbling

Nadakhan & Dilara

AGE CHART

Bonus : Pokemon AU (+ doodles !!)

WARNING : LOOOOONG

Timetwins childhoods ( + Kronos HCs)

“Acronix" and "krux" isn’t their birth names, Acronix came up with them when they were younger, as super heroes names after discovering their powers. Krux loved the idea and they kept referring each other as these names. Krux forgot what is original name was, but Acronix still remembers them. i’m guessing that they might use them again after getting back into society

They grew us in a country side village with their mother for a big part of their life, didn't socialized much til their mother passed. Krux was always overprotective and nix, not having anything else to compare, thought krux directing him was normal. when joining the EMs when the serpentins wars happened, Nix easily became friend with some of the EMs, unlike krux . tho they really did not got along with wu and garmadon

their elemental power was passed down to them by a Unknown Man whom they never met, as he left before their birth, Kronos :

- kronos was the previous user of the time element, he used it for good, preventing some disaster, saving people’s life, Wu knew him well.

- tho he was young when he married and didn't know how what would happen to his power after having kids. he took his power for granted and overused them even for simple task. to him , having powers was normal and sounded arrogant when speaking with other EMs or people in general

.- during his wife pregnancy, he noticed his powers started fading and freaked out, he went to wu, asking for help and learn the truth about what would happen to his powers after his sons where born. he was never seen again afterward.

when wu met krux and acronix, he knew they were related to kronos , but when asking them about their father , the twins would not reply and looks uncomfortable

- his personality shifted rapidly afterward, without powers he went mad, more aggressive, salty, self centered

Cyrus HC

- Cyrus grew up taking inspiration from DR. julien work to build his own tech, he never really expected to become so popular later in his life and sometime feels overwhelmed by it .

- Cyrus is a billionaire, and donate to charity all the time , ninjago doesn't seems to have any problems beside villains attacking time to time, you can expect rich people of the world to be actually helping RIGHT ?

- Cyrus isnt paralyzed, i imagine him more having weak legs motor control that dont support his body weight enough to let him stand, if he did, he would feel dizzy very fast, (this is heavly based on this HC )

it has some hint in the show, but you dont wanna mess with cyrus, he can be agressive toward people that bother him or his loved ones, he will not hesitate to fight the best way he can !

Pixal HC

- pixal was a project he worked on for YEARS, but she was only fully finished at the beginning of S3

- pixal was built to be gender neutral, until she told her father that she wanted to be seen as feminine , and he loves and support her

- pixal is very polite and usually call people by title, unless she knows them personally, she would never call cyrus by anything else than “father”

- when she first got in contact with people other than her father, she found them fascinating, and specially zane, knowing that he was a nindroïd like her.

- she used to have a crush on zane that for a while, felt mutual, until she got dismantled .. she was glad zane found a way to keep her around but as time passed, the lack of physical body, zane becoming colder with her afterward , and him getting closer to cole after the event of S4. made her loose interest, they were living as one but she missed being herself

- ronin was the one who dismantled her, after he captured zane, pixal tried to defend her friend but got destroyed, ronin used part of her body to repair his own . his left arm being partially made from pixal Original body

- she took inspiration from nya’s samurai X mech to build herself a new body

- in the process she developed feelings for nya. like zane earlier in her life, she felt like it was mutual but she isn’t sure the relation is working out, nya and her are spliting and getting back together every month or so

-she is an hopeless lover and tend to crush on anybody that express kindness to her

Couple other than future in RTO

RTO mainly focus on future, but also : samurai, Glacier, Scruff and A BIT of jaya , in general, the ninjas (minus lloyd) are pretty much all in open relationships with one another and it’s mostly just polyninja but main focus on samurai and glacier

EMs and elemental power in general

- EM lives longer that other people , roughly 120~ years instead of 80 , and that even if they lost their powers

- being an EM can be either genetic or Given .. Powers can be passed down only two ways : a Em can have a kid and during pregnancy, the element will start fading until the baby is born, element will take time to developed in someone’s body , it roughly take 10-15 years for someone to discover their power. however this process inst guaranteed, and some EM’s kid can be born without powers, this is usually the case when only one of the parent is a EM, in case a EM have more kids than powers (eg. twins) the power will either splits up, or one of he kid will be born without powers

- the second option is strong bound, if a EM is dying (or dead) without kids or non of their kids inherited their powers , they can choose a Vessel .. it can be human, creature or any sentient being.

- taking someone’s power away by force CANNOT happen, it’s BULLSHIT.. wu and garmadon simply blocked krux and acronix powers, they are still considered EM and if they wish to, can pass down their powers to someone else , who WILL be able to control it (tho since the power Split up, nix can only pass down slow and forward power) after that, the time blade will lose their powers.

Zane & the ICE EM reincarnation

for his HC i’m going to call the previous ICE EM “simon” i cant remembrer who named the Ice EM simon, if you know it please lemme know ! i love it tbh

-julien and simon knew each other very well, they were Close friends

- simon knew that julien loved making machine and heard about a new project "zane" a robot that could protect people that could protect themselves, julien loved zane like his son . later in his life after the serpentine wars , simon feeling old, wanted to pass down his elemental power to someone before passing away, and thought julien was perfect, after all they knew each other, but he changed his mind and decided to pass it to zane instead. He touched zane heart and after that, he slowly lost his powers till he passed . neither zane nor julien knew about it, but by freezing his heart, it gave him a part of his soul ( 9 STYLE) , a unusual but strong power source to zane, the elemental power of ice and changed his behavior a bit

Morro & Ronin sibbling HC

Morro and Ronin are brothers , morro is the oldest and inherited the wind power, unlike ronin.

ronin loved to provoque people and overall was a little brat. one day with morro, he annoyed a citizen of Stiix, that will later be known as “soularcher” that decided to curse him and his brother

Morro was terrified and fleed, he eventually decided to join wu’s monastery , who adopted him. morro was sure that becoming the green ninja of the prophecy would make him a hero and lift the curse on his soul. he was even more devastated to learn that wu was wrong

on his own ways ronin tried his best to fix his mistake growing up , without much success. falling into robbery, con artist, failed marriage and alcoholism

when morro came back as a ghost, he felt guilty and wanted to fix his mistake but he finally had people like nya and dareth (whom he met at a bar and chatted with him when he was sad) that cared about him and decide to fight for good for once

Ronin had a wife and a daughter a WHILE ago, but lost them . his daughter was roughly the same age as nya and she remind him of her

Nadakhan & Dilara

Dilara and nya are related

Dilara and captain sotto knew each other (family related ;;; OR she was cheating on nadakhan idk but either way she cared about him too ) and she help sotto capture nadakhan and his crew but made a mistake and got killed in the process

Dilara was just there to use nadakhan for his powers but nadakhan wanted her for his infinite wishes so I GUESS THEYre a good pair ???

youtube

AGE CHART

BONUS : Pokemon AU for no reason but i’m happy of them

THERE IM DONE BYYYYYYYYE

#ninjago #ninjago hc #pokemon AU #ninjago pokemon au

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madokasoratsugu · 5 years ago

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im new to shokugeki and i dont care about spoilers, why is it bad?

a no joke answer bc u deserve this:

tl;dr Shokugeki sucks because it lost its direction halfway through the story, and when Tsukada (the author) realised that he’d bitten off more than he could chew with such a huge cast of characters.

long answer:

here’s the thing. Shokugeki started out good.

it mostly played off the usual shounen tropes: a challenger would appear, but then they quickly joined the friendship circle, rinse and repeat. but with such a wide cast of characters with differing goals and personalities plus the high stakes of only the top 10% graduating, it made it easy to bank on the character interactions and friendships, which is what the first half of Shokugeki did, heavily so. and it worked !

it was a simple set up (protag aims to beat his dad in a cook off, goes to cooking school, meets friends and foes ! a tournament arc ! fun and shenanigans ! yay!), but Shokugeki did it good. it didn’t subvert any expectations, just did according to what it set out to do. nothing felt exaggerated beyond the typical manga stuff, and everything achieved was earned with hard work. with the occasional fluff and friends thrown in, it became a comfy mix for a good shounen manga.

if anything, id say that half the success came from the character’s relationships themselves - the plot wasn’t anything special, but the genuinity that the characters and their friendships and goals (shared or not) were treated with were wholesome and fun.

which is why it was so fucking jarring when it derailed by throwing aside half of its cast and completely stagnating all character development for the remaining half.

(insert infamous Central Arc expulsion joke here)

if you’ve started/are intending to start, id say its the most obvious after the Moon Banquet Festival Arc/beginning of Central Arc. the writing started getting sloppy, as did the handling of the characters. ive mentioned this before, and ill stress this again: i honestly believe that Central Arc is when Tsukada realised what a big miss steak he did in creating such a huge cast, and in the face of Shokugeki’s then success, made some poor authorial choices to keep the hype going (both plot and character wise).

for characters: half the cast was rid of via expulsion, including very competent chefs (which had no proper in canon explanation on how the fuck that happened) who happened to be fan favourites. i mean, Hayama Akira ? fuck, Nakiri Alice, anyone ? plus any poor remaining characters got shafted in lieu of Souma, hard. this became more prominent as the Arcs slowly go on, the ones of which took the worst brunt of it being Takumi and Megumi.

(what do u think is worse. your fav never getting a cameo or your fav being part of the forefront team but constantly getting fucked over because Souma didn’t get the spotlight of the chapter yet. vote now in the replies.)

for plot: higher and higher stakes were introduced that again, just didn’t make sense !! in Central Arc, Souma was expected to win against Eishi, the best chef in his entire school. when two arcs prior he just lost a cooking contest to two of his peers (placed third), and one arc prior struggled to beat Kuga in ticket sales (even then he didn’t win because his cooking was better, so. wasnt even a win on the cooking front). there was no build up ! NOT EVEN A TRAINING ARC. he just went straight from the bottom rung of the ladder to the fucking ceiling. super different from the first half of the series when everything would be shown in careful detail (best example i can think of off the top of my head being the Shokugeki against Mimasaka in the Autumn Election Arc).

also: in the midst of introducing Erina’s character arc and backstory, Tsukada seemed to completely forget (or maybe just didnt know how to link back?) that he’d already established an overarching plotline: Souma’s quest to best Jouichirou. so when Souma began overthrowing these foes that are his seniors said to be leagues ahead of him, the suspension of disbelief was stretching waaay thin. but hey ! its a shounen manga ! we can forgive this much (sarcasm).

then Tsukada introduces Asahi. mother fucking Asahi. who is basically introduced by beating Jouichirou without breaking a sweat, but oh boy did he break the suspension of disbelief right then and there and completely toss the plot into the fucking fire. because there’s no end goal anymore ! the one thing that our main character has been working so hard for ? non existent. pointless. this no name (at that time) character has done it, pack your bags boys, let’s go home.

(might i note that at this point, Shokugeki was also uuhh nothing like the slice of life comedy it originally was. it became an action-psychological mix that just…doesnt work. and i mean. of course it wouldn’t. there was no foreshadowing, the villians can’t be taken seriously because 1) theyre also teenagers for fuck’s sake 2) Azami’s just a creep, plain and simple. he has no depth. no one cares about an antagonist who’s bad at just being bad.

the themes it began with was completely set aside for really badly written character backstories and angsty edgey bs that i still don’t understand why Tsukada thought would work in retaining hype. especially when considering how pure the premise was.

i honestly also think that its the Blue Arc + Dark Chefs Arc when Tsukada actually realised that his plot had gone haywire, since volume sales were dropping hard and fans clearly hated the direction the series had gone in. but instead of trying to reign it back in, he decided to just let it run buckwild because he just didn’t know how to fix it.)

to rub salt into the wound: so many promised resolutions are shoved into the background, done offscreen, or worse yet, forgotten ! scenes that fans have literally been waiting for. Souma VS Erina Shokugeki. Souma VS Takumi Shokugeki. Nakiri Alice coming back to the series and actually fucking cooking again.

(im sure that there’s more that lead to its downfall but like. shrugs. this is mainly to me why it sucks: it had A Lot going for it (im not ashamed to admit that at one point i actually genuinely believed it could be one of the next Big 3 on Shounen Jump), and it just didnt live up to any of it for no other reason other than Tsukada mixing elements of a story that didn’t work well together, tried to force them to work, and did nothing to fix it when it didn’t.)

so our plot is gone. so are our lovable characters. so is the slice of life comedy that drew most people in in the first place. the potential that it had is now dust. what does Shokugeki have left that makes it unique, that makes people love it ? here’s the answer !

nothing.

that fact kicks you in the teeth every fucking time you remember how good the first half of the series was.

then that fact dropkicks you when you realise that Shokugeki no Soma literally started on a 90degree drop into a dumpster fire when the series was at the apex of its popularity and plot buildup.

that’s why it sucks.

#shokugeki no soma #shokugeki no souma #shokugeki still sucks. change my mind.#shady business #long post

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yourrainycollectorhologram-blog · 6 years ago

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can anybody explain what is auto insurance ?

Pickup Truck insurance at age 18?

I am 18 and I want to get a Nissan Navara. I have got a quote for the non-commercial versions eg le, se and xe for 1990 which is fine, but I cant get an online quote for the D22 version. Its a 2005 D22 Navara di. It says I have to ring them as they cant give me an online quote. Does anyone know if this model can be insured on normal car insurance as I am under 21 and it will be very difficult and expensive to get commercial or van insurance.""

How does insurance on a leased car work?

im getting my license soon and was wondering what the best and cheapest option in terms of buying, leasing or buying used is for me. im 16 so insurance is going to be high. i only need a car for 2 years, after that ill be in college and dont see a point in having a car. so i thought why not just lease a car, but i heard when you lease a car the insurance is high for it. my question is how does a lease work? is the insurance for it high already without me being 16 a factor? do you sign up with a dealership insurance or use your own plan? Thanks for the help""

What is the best Insurance company for car quotes ??? (Cheapest)?

Im looking for a cheap reliable insurance company i can get a qoute for a 2003 Vauxhall Corsa 1.2

""What is the best health care plan for student while attending medical school, like nursing?""

I'm a student nursing and ASAP need some health insurance, including Emergency Room coverage. Does anyone know any type of Health Insurance for medical student like that, affordable and reliable? Greatly appreciate and thanks to all

Answers to life insurance test?

answers to life insurance & applications test

Do Americans want Gov't run healthcare like medicaid and medicare or do they want affordable health insurance?

I have a $500 deductible with my car insurance (State Farm) and was wondering if I could use that deductible t?

To actually fix my car up to it's showroom look (Currently driving with a broken bumper, dented fender, and broken headlight/signal marker not caused by me mind you)??""

cheap cars to insure for 18 year olds 2014

I need to have all my teeth removed and have dentures in California?

The dentist gave me an approximate estimate of about 11 thousand dollars, I have no insurance, and bad credit, is this estimate fair?""

How much would my car insurance be?

I'm 21 years old male and I live in NJ. I'm thinking about buying a used car and financing it. I was looking at GEICO website and the quote came out to about $1600/year for 2000 honda S2000. I was wondering if that amount is right. I selected collision and comprehensive coverage along with all the other coverage options. I thought full coverage would be much more expensive like $3000 but that is so low. So I was wondering if that amount is right. (I live in NJ with my uncle and my parents live in massachusetts)

Is the insurance company notified when you get a speeding ticket?

I got a speeding ticket for going 55 in a 45 and was just going to pay it so my parents wouldn't find out because I'm on there insurance. I no we are with USAA and i don't want them to find out about the ticket. Will they some how find out?

""I am 30, and took out a life insurance policy on myself...?""

Since its over 100,000...They have to take blood and urine...why?""

Why doesn't insurance coverage increase along with premiums?

Suppose you have 100 / 300 / 100 car insurance coverage. Suppose you were paying $50 per month in 1990. Suppose you are now paying $75 per month in 2010. If the premiums go up because of inflation then shouldn't the coverage? It costs more to fix a car in 2010 than it did in 1990. Is it correct to say the insurance company's average risk is the same, but their maximum risk has gone down? Having to pay out $100,000 maximum today is less than $100,000 maximum in 1990. What do you think?""

What effect does a minor ticket out of state have on insurance rates.?

A few months ago I got a ticket in Maryland, where I go to school, for going the wrong way down a one way street. The ticket was only a small fine and I don't think any point were given. Recently I just got another ticket for making a wrong left turn in New Jersey, where my permanent address is. Normally, my insurance company, geico , would let one ticket slide but I'm not sure if they would even know about the Maryland ticket. I would appreciate any information.""

""If you need health insurace, are you going to be able to afford Affordable Care?""

I had high hopes for the Affordable Care Act (nicknamed Obamacare). it was supposed to give all Americans access to healthcare and be affordable enough so we could all still eat and have a roof over our heads. Premium prices depend on where you live, and I live in one of the higher-priced areas, but OMG! Their premiums are more expensive than I've ever seen, and then you have to pay a chunk to see the doctor or get a prescription or go to the hospital... I don't see any savings or advantages anywhere. So what about you, if you aren't covered by health insurance and were hoping to get it under the Affordable Care Act? Can you afford it?Will you be able to actually afford to go to the doctor after paying the premiums?""

Can you get your drivers license without any insurance?

I live in West Virginia 17 and I have had my learners for almost a year and have got all my hours so would it be OK if i got my license w/o insurance

Will my insurance company find out? If so how?

I got into a fender bender the other day, it was my fault, I can either pay for the damages to the other car out of my pocket, or I can let him tell his insurance company about it and he has a $500 deductable, I do not have coalition insurance, only liability, so if he reports it to his insurance will I still have to pay his $500 deductable out of my pocket or will my liability insurance company have to pay the $500? Or will his insurance company pay the $500? If he reports it to HIS insurance company will MY insurance company find out about the accident?""

With a driving permit in California ? Insurance ?

Can I drive my dad's car but with somebody else teaching me to drive. Do I need to be in the insurance policy ? How does that work?

How can I find an affordable psychiatrist without insurance?

I would like to see a psychiatrist to treat my depression but I don't have health insurance. (I applied for private health insurance but was denied based on my medical history.) ...show more

Scooters-insurance etc?

how much for m.o.t and average price for insurance a month???i'm in uk

Where do you get cheap car insurance in Northern Ireland?

Hi Folks, I'm moving from Dumfries in Scotland shortly to Northern Ireland, my car insurance is going to double in price, just wondering where the best place to get insurance quotes, I tryed NI Compare and it was actually more expensive than Go Compare, many thanks""

Does any body know what is going on with Obama and the whole health insurance thing?

Okay so I live in California. I am young and can't afford health insurance rite now. Does any one know if Obama is going to follow through with this whole health insurance thing. If so when is it supposed to kick in? And how will it work exactly? Will every body have free health insurance? Some one please explain this becuase I am realy confused.

Does your insurance go up?

If you park in a bus stop zone, in NYC, and get a ticket. Does your car insurance go up? What happens? I paid it off right away in like 2 hours, will there be something else?""

Home Insurance replacement cost?

Anyone have any idea how insurance companies figure out what it would cost to rebuild an entire house if it burned down or blew away...I live on long island....I would assume it is the square footage multiplied by a cost per foot....any ideas what the actual cost per foot is today????

Cheap car on Insurance ?

whats the cheapest car on Insurance in ontario canada?, i need 4 doors small car""

""I'm not covered by car insurance by my parents insurance, I still live at home,..?

They don't allow me to drive the cars because I'm not covered. Can I drive the car when it's in another house that they own?

Does Car Insurance Still Go Down On Parent's Insurance?

Basically i am going on my parent's insurance but as a named driver only. I know the risks of it and was wondering what will happen when i turn 25 Will my insurance still go down or will i have to pay a full insurance due to only being a named driver ?

How much would car insurance be for a 17 year old on a volkswagen golf 1.9 GTI?

like the min price?

Whats your average price car insurance group 12 and Road Tax?

im planning on getting a car lexus is200 in a few months time and wanted to know how much you guys/girls pay monthly or yearly only on insurance group 12 and on road tax. Im 19, passed a month ago. planning on putting the car in my dads name and me as the driver. Dads a good driver had no past accidents (not sure if you need to know that). Thnxs""

How to get auto insurance in Canada without address?

I plan on buying a van and living in it instead of an apartment.How do I get insurance preferably cheap insurance? I'm curious,if one can't get insurance will the police bother one if one tells them they're homeless and have nowhere else to live?""

Your car insurance price?

Please put your age, car, and how much it costs every month, thankssss""

What is home owners insurance like in Florida?

I am thinking of purchasing a home in the Kissimmee area that is around $140,000. Some people have told me that homeowners insurance and additionally flood and hurricane additions to my insurance is very very expensive. Can someone give me an example of their real life insurance price that includes flood or hurricane? Please reply only if you have first hand experience in Florida. Preferably in the Kissimmee or Orlando area.""

If I'm on someone else car insurance am I liable?

My old boy friend put me on his car insurance so I could drive his car. We are no longer together. If he gets in an accident could I get sued? He has nothing, but I do.""

cheap cars to insure for 18 year olds 2014

How much is home insurance for a log cabin in North Georgia?

I'm interested in purchashing a log cabin in the North Georgia mountains. How much would home insurance cost if the home is approximately $160,000?""

What auto insurance company has the best rates for teenagers?

i live in ontario ca if that helps and i drive a 95 caprice

If i get a v6 mustang will my insurance be lower?

Im 16 and looking for a mustang, but if i get a v6 mustang will it be a lot cheaper than a v8?""

I live in adams wisconsin just got my licence and just got a car wondering what insurance i should get?

I would like to know the cheapest insurance........otherwise i will just go on my dad's insurance

General car insurance question(s)?

Which will cost more in car insurance, generally: a passenger sedan (maybe a 1999 Honda Civic) or a pickup truck (1995 Chevrolet Silverado 1500, perhaps)? Also, if I have two trucks, both exactly the same, only, one has 2-wheel drive and one has 4-wheel drive, which will cost more in insurance? If one will infact cost more, will the difference be significant enough to matter? I live in Colorado. 4-wheel drive is desirable with the snow and ice, but if it will cost significantly more in insurance, I can't justify it.""

Car Insurance Question?

Can a 16 year old girl drive her parent's car alone without her name being on the insurance?

How much is your car insurance?

I don't want to sound personal but I am wondering what everyone pays in car insurance. I happen to live in Michigan which has the highest car insurances rates in the country. I am planning to move soon and was wondering how much people are paying across the country. Please don't feel a need to give me the exact number, a range is fine. Also, please tell me the car type because I know that matters. Again with car type you don't have to tell the car. Example if you drive a 911 Porsche you could say, 2 door, luxury sports car. Any other information would be greatly appreciated, thanks!""

How can i get insurance from the gov.?

Ok my dad is 37 and has no insurance and we can't afford any either so how can he get insurance from the gov. we kinda need it now cause he thinks he has cancer so please help

Cheap car insurance for Land Rover Discovery?

I'm about to buy a 03 Disco and was wondering what everyone is paying for car insurance. I'm 25 with no accidents on my record, but the quotes I keep getting seem to be outrageous. I'm just curious if that is common or if there is a company with decent full coverage rates for discoveries. Thanks for the help""

Salvage car insurance?

If I have nissan 350z roadstar 2006 salvage car with only 13 000 miles and I have only liability insurance. Now If someone else hits my car(AND ITS HIS MISTAKE) and I have damage, what would the other insurance party will give me? Would they fix my car if it has big damage?If they total it, how much would they pay? i UNDERSTAND THAT SALVAGE CARS ARE FAR LESS WORTH ,HENCE I AM ONLY BUYING LIABILITY ON IT. BUT WHAT IF MY CAR IS DAMAGED BY SOMEONE ELSE MISTAKE?""

Insurance for mercedes glk350?

I was wondering how much it would cost to insure a 2011 mercedes glk 350. I am looking to buy a new car

""What's wrong with my car, Damage and Insurance Question?""

Two days ago, I was involved in a car accident. Allow me to explain what happened. I was stopping at a stop sign, and as I put my foot on the brake, there was some black ice, and my car slid through the stop sign, straight into the intersection, where a woman hit me in the rear end of my car, which spun my car around, making my tap the back of her car as well. My car was barely left with a dent, and driving away from the scene, my car was just fine. However, when I went to drive it this morning, I noticed something was up with the back end. Whenever I hit a bump, it feels like the back end backs up, and fishtails away from the front of the car. Can you tell me what's up with my car, and how much it would be to fix whatever it is? Also, assuming you understand what happened in the accident, and knowing that I and the other woman have insurance, can you tell me who would end up paying for the damage done to her car, and whose fault it really was? Will insurance cover her damage, and if so, whose company is going to cover it? Hers or mine?""

How much would you estimate the annual cost of living to be in central New Jersey?

This would be for a simple lifestyle- one bedroom apartment, utilities, food, clothing, phone, internet, cable, basic car, car insurance, gas, car maintenance, computer, pet, gifts, and a one-week basic vacation. You can provide an estimate both with, and without, a basic health insurance plan premium. I am just trying to figure out about how much it would cost to live in this area. Thank you for your advice.""

Car Insurance / Case is not resolved / New Insurance?

Hi I had car accident about year and a half ago. My case went to court and it is still not resolved.I haven't been driving since that time. I bought a car now and I want to insure it. How does it look with the insurance companies ? there is no option to choose when you do insurance quote online.

What is the cost of basic car insurance?

I know it varies but i mean for an average car? Are there any other costs to be considered when first purchasing/driving a car?

Can you have insurance on a car that isn't yours?

My girl friend has a car but lost her job and can't afford to pay insurance. Can i put the insurance in my name for a car that she owns?

Are States legally allowed to require car insurance?

Can the State legally mandate that citizens buy insurance from consumer agencies that have little to no regulation of price and guaranteed service? Can we consider this question with ...show more

Mass insurance?

why is it that in massachustts that if you have a deductable of $500 on your car insurance policy and put in a claim for $900 dollars you are charged a surcharge of $360 for 6 years why do we have insurance and pay a high premium to start with. they should pay the claim for the $400 difference without a surcharge. i have 3 cars insured and it seems that i pay for the insurance but have no benefit from it.

Drivers License and Car Insurance?

My friend had a friend of his drive his car when he was drinking because he didn't want an OMVI. His friend quit paying for car insurance but said he still has his drivers license. Is that possible? Also, my friend said he wasn't worried about an accident because my friend has insurance and he thinks that covers all drivers in his car with a drivers license. I feel that if he got in an accident, his insurance won't pay because he has a non-insured driver driving his car. He said I'm wrong. Who's right and who's wrong here????""

Home owners Insurance can't afford - help?

a year ago I paid off my mortgage and now I have property taxes which I pay in installments and now home owners insurance, there was enough left in escrow the first year for the mortgage company to pay the property taxes rhe first year, but now I realize I cannot afford the home owners insurance / I'm in a low income job , and it's $600 a year - If I were to cancel the home owners insurance until I get finish my degree to become a teacher in three years would I encounter problems with an another insurance company to get home owners insurance once they know I've been without HOI for say 2-3 years? or what would happen - see I hsve property taxes, hoa do every month etc and I'm living paycheck to paycheck I have car ins cause it's the law / can I just cancel the HOI just for three years until I make more money? advise please""

Car insurance questions?

okay im 19 livin in MICHIGAN. My driving record sucks, (2) accidents i got rear ended, (3) speeding tickets a total of 7 points license is restricted till jan, 2012. I want a car but its around 600-900$ a MONTH to insure me, 99 dodge neon to a 2010 mustang gt all the same price a month depends what insurance company. i cant be on my parents insurance because they excluded off their policy. I allso live in a apartment, so is it possible to buy a insurance policy in my moms name with her correct sos number and drivers license number and lie and say she lives with me in my appartment and put me as a secondary driver. but the car ill be fiancing so i need full coverage and the car is in my name . My questions are (A) my mom uses lifelock will she find out that i opened a policy in her name. (B) will the insurance company find out about that my mom doesnt live their or would they find out at all. AND MY MOM LIVES AT A ANOTHER ADDRESS. (C) is it legal to own and fiance a car thatS in my name but insurance is not ill be listed as a seconday driver under my mom . (d) my mom WOULD NOT KNOW IM DOING THIS. I KNOW THATS FRAUD BUT U GOT TO DO WHAT U GOTTA DO how would anyone know what im doing and find out about it""

How much will my car insurance be?

I just got my 7th DUI conviction and I want to buy a Chevrolet Corvette, but dont know how much insurance will cost my parents? I don't want them to have to pay too much but i really want the car. please help""

How much more would it cost if my parents added me to their car insurance?

My parents pay about $100 a month on insurance for their car ( 2008 Nissan Sentra) to OMNI insurance group. I'm just wondering how much extra would they have to pay to add me (16 years old) onto the insurance when I get my license?

About Health Insurance?

I just went for a job interview this morning, and it seemed to go well. When I was asked if I had any questions about the company, I inquired about their health plan. She turned a little red and said they offered Blue Cross Blue Shield (not uncommon in my region), but then went on to say The company covers 60% and the employee, 40%). She went on to give an explanation about how BCBS charges the company based on the average age of all employees (which in this company's case, is about 45 or something). Anyway, my question is this: What do you think about that? 60 to 40 equation? I'm thinking that my 'out of pocket' (for family - my son and I) will be quite high, and my co pays at the doctor/dentist will be as well... Can anyone help please?""

Can you have be under two car insurance companies at once?

My dad is considering in buying another car(ideally for me to use) but to avoid the high cost, he wants to be listed as primary driver to both. It seems that usually when youre under one company, I will most likely be forced to be primary on one of the vehicles. So would it be possible to be under two different car insurance companies so that my dad can be primary for both or would this be considered a type of fraud or something illegal?""

cheap cars to insure for 18 year olds 2014

Cheapest car insurance for first time driver? I'm a girl?

I'm looking for insurance that is as cheap as possible. I'm a 17 year old girl who is currently having driving lessons.

Had a car crash; how do you give insurance details?

OK, I let my attention slip and slightly rear-ended a car in front of me (oldish Mercedes), guy was surprisingly pretty cool about it. Damage is: (my car) my number plate fell off and very slight bumper bar damage; (his car) back bumper damage, back boot doesn't close properly. My car is insured completely, but how do I give him my insurance details? Do I just say the company that I'm with or something? Or I call my insurance up and get a number? Also will I have any financial repercussions from this, or does the insurance pay the lot for me and the victim? Will my rating be damaged and have to pay more for insurance? I have no idea about this type of thing, I don't even pay my own insurance, my dad does. Would any adult, or someone who has been through this (I'm assuming it's a fairly common) shed some light?""

Which will cost more to insure? 00-04 mustang base or 00-04 mustang gt?

I'm 17 and live in New York. Been driving with a clean record for one year and I currently pay $100/month on my mom's '10 camry. I want to get my own car and I have narrowed everything down to a mustang, but I can't decide between a base model or a gt. I have discounts on my current policy such as good student and drivers ed. I will also take a defensive driving course for an added discount and the new car will also bring about a multi-car policy discount which will be helpful. My mom will be contributing the same $100 towards the car as she is now and the rest I have to pay for by myself. I have heard that the base and gt will cost about the same to insure, but that doesn't seem right considering that the gt has 100+hp more than the base, but people have supported that by saying the base models are involved in more crashes among young drivers. So can anybody set the record straight for me? Please don't give me responses saying that only my insurance agent can tell me that or too high for you to afford. Also would it be a wise decision to drop collision coverage for a huge insurance discount? I don't plan on racing this car.""

Does anyone know any affordable cheap family plan health insurance company ?

Vehicle hit while parked will insurance rate go up????

I get a call from my girlfriend that on the way to the train she saw my car was smashed -Bumper , fender , Headlight need to be replaced The car was parked at the time. Gessing this would be considered a hit and run?Wll insurance rates go up if i put in a claim?????""

How much does car insurance cost for 18 year olds?

would it be cheaper if I combined it with my dad's insurance plan? abput how much would it cost then?

Why is Geico Home Owner's Insurance So Much More Expensive Than other Companies?

I have had my home owner's insurance through Liberty Mutual and I pay $865.00 per year for about 110,000 in dwelling coverage plus other coverages as well. However, I just decided as I wasn't doing anything today to check on the competition and I called up Geico. Get this.. Here it is... Geico, for the EXACT SAME COVERAGE I am paying Liberty Mutual $865.00 per year gave me a quote for $4,200.00 per year. WITH ALL COVERAGES BEING EQUAL. I was shocked... The lady told me because I had one claim for roof damage which cost $4,000.00 that justified the increase in coverage. Plus Geico had a higher deductible of $1,500.00. First I don't know anyone paying $4,000.00 for a one year home owner's policy for $110,000.00 in coverage. But does anyone know why Geico is so ridiculously expensive?""

""I am moving from NJ to FL, what steps do i take to get florida plates, insurance, and registration?

I have a 2010 Hyundai Elantra. Which do i do first? What are the fees for each?

If my insurance pays off what i owe on my car would it be on my name?

or would if be on my car agency name? i was hit by a 73 male no insurance and well all i have now is for my insurance to cover it and to fix my car is about $7,500 and its a total loss so my mom was told and estimate of what the car might be worth is between 5,000 and 6,000 i have and 2004 Hyundai Elentra. I still owe the agency a year of payment so is the check going to be under my name or the agency. im hoping under my name this way im able to buy a car- cash and keep paying my agency what i owe. bc it sucks to still pay off money even if the 6,000 for the agency and i still have to pay monthly if its not enough to cover the whole amount i owe. HELP""

Insurance on a 2005 premium mustang v6?

hello, my daughter is 17 years old and i am thinking about getting her a 2005 premium mustang v6. she is on the honor roll, hasn't had any problems or accidents as far as driving goes, and really doesn't drive much. we live in a rural area. how much would insurance cost? our insurance company offers some plan where if you're getting good grades, you get a discount. how much would it all be? i have her driving a 2012 volkswagen jetta now and it's very pricey.""

Can you add you unborn child to your insurance?

well, I would like to add my baby to my boyfriend's insurance (the daddy) can he do it now or we need to wait until the baby is born?""

Can I put my partner on my health insurance?

Hi there, My girlfriend and I are going to be moving to New Jersey in May of next year. We are going to get a civil union. At this point will I be able to include her on my health insurance through work? I work in Philadelphia. Wasn't sure of this since PA doesn't recognize civil unions, but didn't know if there is a loop hole since we will be living in New Jersey?? Any help would be great. Thanks!""

What type of insurance is better: private healthcare insurance or union insurance?

I used to have Kaiser Permanente but now I'm on a union healthcare plan because my mom works at a grocery store. I used to always be able to see a therapist a few times a month no problem when I had Kaiser, but with the union insurance I tried to go and after a few months it sucked up all the money in our insurance and we couldn't go to see any more doctors until the next year. Should I switch back to Kaiser? I'm mostly concerned with being able to see a therapist a few times a month, maybe a dermatologist a few times a year(currently I'm being treated for my acne), and being able to get contacts and a yearly eye exam(which I can do with my current insurance) and also being able to see a good dentist biannually(I can also do this with my current insurance) So pretty much all I'm missing is the mental health care I want! Would Kaiser be able to provide me all of this? Thanks in advance for any helpful input""

What is an affordable life insurance for a cigarette smoker?

How much would car insurance cost for a Corvette?

If you are 16 years old and a Male

Why do car insurance companies do credit checks?

I have just renewed my car insurance and made a massive saving from 162 per month to 79 per month. But the first few wouldnt let me pay monthly because of my credit history. Why ...show more

Auto State Farm insurance almost up?

I just looked at my auto insurance card that it expires next month.....i still want to keep it so do i have to call them to renew it or something, or do they call you ?""

Car insurance..17yrs old!!!?

I am 17yrs old, looking for cheap car insurance. Haven't got a car yet but have been looking at cars such as Ford Fiesta, Peugot 105, Fiat Punto and have been getting around 3000. I cannot afford that and was wondering if anyone knows any ceap cars for cheap insurance and who are the best companies to get cheap insurance? Thanks""

Does anybody have any info about insurance licsences in arizona?

classes, test, etc. i passed my real estate exam a little over a year ago. man talk about a tough business! well i think its almost time to move on to something else....""

Question about life insurance?

I have life insurance and went to update my insurance today. In 2003 I became disabled and did not know about the disability clause. Where I don't have to pay the premiums anymore. Can I change my term life to whole life? Will I get back pay from 2003? I want to know this before my agent calls me next week with the answers. Please don't try and sell me insurance for as I won't qualify anyways just the answers please.

Do insurance companies look into your driving record?

When getting an auto insurance quote they ask if you have any major violations. Do they only know if u tell them, or will they eventually find out of u lie?""

What is an affordable health insurance plan that will include mental health coverage and prescriptions?

Free health insurance?

im 19 years old and im unemployed and im about to start college is there a way for me to get free heath insurance? i live in orange county california

I dont want to pay for car insurance... is there any way around it? LOL?

I know it sounds crazy and I need insurance but is there anyway to avoid paying it... at least for just a month? I have the cheapest plan possible but its still killing me financially every month! Do you think allstate has a low income program? Do ANY of the insurance companies....?

What is the cheapest insurance for an 18 year old driver to get?

i dont have alot of money and need the cheapest insurance possible, that covers things somewhat. thankyou!!!""

cheap cars to insure for 18 year olds 2014

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/aarp-auto-insurance-quotes-online-donald-banks"

0 notes

joannawillshrink · 7 years ago

Text

shower thoughts

only this is a thought coming up while watching a Dr Who special called the end of the world part two.

Which I think is a humorous title. End of the world, PART TWO. anyway

The Master character is the baddie and he has a drumming in his head, constantly, driving him crazy. The Doctor says he could help. And the Master replies in a misty voice, “I dont know what I’d be, without that noise.”

Made me immediately think about myself and current life, without my Mom. Like when people lose someone close to them, common advice or like, motivational talk is “go make them proud” and whatnot. And I’m thinking, I wonder if she can see me and see what I’ve become. So bored and depressed and stagnant, different. Because I really do feel very very different. I’m changed. And I dont like it.

But I then went on to think about myself in a break up. How I want the other person to miss me. How I, in a twisted way, think its kindof flattering when someone is fucked up after losing me. Which is partially why I’m having a hard time knowing Jesse is fine and has moved on. Because I want to be mourned more. I want to have more visibly affected him.

And I wonder if, and I’m not saying that my Mom is in any way twisted, or thinking maliciously... this is just my weird thought trail,

But like, if I died and my family were really “fine” quite quickly afterwards, I feel like I’d be a bit bothered! Is that so immature of me? Like of course I’d want them to be functioning and get out there and do their thing, but not like... too soon! I guess everybody copes differently... I feel very out of touch with what other peoples’ lives are actually like. But just, I feel like my world is much more shattered than I was ready for. But is that my fault? For not “getting over it” faster? But Mom was everything, beyond words of worth or value, her love was like gravity. And it was August 9th, 2015 when it happened. Wow, I just had to look up the year. I guess its been longer than I thought? I dont know. I just feel like my processors are broken.

Anyways. I feel like I have so much to unpack about this. “I dont know who I’d be without that noise.” Like, I am now a girl without her Mom. I am Joanna without my Mom. And I dont know who I am. I held on to what I thought was normal, with my relationship with Jesse. But now that ending obliterated the false bonds I had convinced myself were working. The phantom ties.

Theyre gone, and I feel untethered. More purposeless than ever.

When I didnt know who I was before, I leaned against trying to be a good daughter. That was a wall of my definition of self. But now that wall is gone, with her. I still want to be a good daughter, but showing up for her and having her love and friendship is gone. I know the tra-la-la “she’s always with you” but I mean, in real-time, its gone.

And its like, a break up. If you get over it too easily, it kindof seems like it wasnt that big of a deal to you.

But unconditional love is different, right?

I dont even think I know what unconditional love means. I dont think humans are that perfect. I dont think its genuinely possible to unconditionally love someone.

I find it hard to believe that Jesse cared for me that way. I dont think he thinks of me, I think he nothings me. You know? When its like, I dont like you, but I dont dislike you. I nothing you.

I wish I nothing’ed him. I dislike him right now. I dont want bad luck to befall him, but I wish I didnt have to witness his happiness. Because I’m jealous. I want to be happy. When I’m upset and other people are happy I feel like theyre bragging about it, rubbing it in my face. Especially when its a partner or friend, and especially especially when its an Ex.

I used to fear talking to my mom on the phone because if I was sad and needed help or support, she was always more sad. Sadder. And needed MY help. Or if I was happy, and wanted to share it, I was afraid it would sound braggy or she’d feel lesser-than compared to what I had going on. Like, at the beginnings of things with Jesse, I’d mention a detail about kissing or holding hands or something, and she’d get weird about it and throw in some comment about “I wish your father still kissed me” or “goodness, I miss that” or something.

I worry thats rubbed off onto me. If I’m upset, like, deeply bothered, I dont want other people around me to be good at walking away. I want to be seen, and to effect others. If I’m crying I want someone else’s mood to change if they see me or hear my story. I want to be respected for enduring the things that are happening. I feel like when people hear a sad personal tale or listen to what youre feeling at the moment, and get up at the end and are fine and just walk away, its incredibly rude and unfeeling and gross. Offensive, even. Maybe thats playing too much of the victim.

The lawyer in me immediately says “stop wasting your energy trying to get other people to be sad like you, to see you for how sad you are, and use that energy to do something about your own sadness”

but if youre sad, and just put in the energy to make it go away, is that fixing it? or just ignoring it?

is ignoring pain the secret to success? just, get on with it? never let it catch up to you?

I wonder if thats everyones suppressed secret. That they ARE in pain, but just running from it.

I want to be heard and to share my story before I can move on from it. Its like airing out a ghost. Giving it its proper attention and respect so its existence is justified, giving it love, really. I want even the sad parts to be loved.

So when someone just gets up and walks away unphased from a story I’m explaining, I dont feel love or connection or anything at all. It almost adds to the pain itself. Setting it further back down the hill with even more to climb to escape.

I stay in bed a lot. I’m not sure how to air out being upset about my ex Jesse. I want to run my mouth about the shit he was in our relationship. I was lousy too, but different. Definitely no saint, but I understand the quiet spectrum in the motivation of cheaters. Not all cheaters. But I get why some do what they do. Because I seeked out attention from other men, men from my past, because I needed more, but didnt want to give up what could maybe be built with Jesse. I was scared to lose the potential of him. But he behaved so coldly, often cruelly emotionally to me, both in obvious but also very quiet subtle ways, that I needed to be around the energy of men who knew me before all that. Old friends who knew my sparkle. Because I needed to remember it, myself. I wished and wished and wished Jesse saw my sparkle, at the beginning of our relationship I thought he did. Which is why I decided to move to his city from my own, and really give it a try.

But I felt like just another hobby in his life, another thing that needed his precious time. I felt juggled between work, his band, and his motorcycle. Literally, if I saw his eyes light up because he ordered another guitar pedal or motorcycle part, I knew it meant less time/money/enthusiasm for me or our time together. This literally happened, time and time again.

And after losing the one person in my life who I knew I was their everything,

I needed to be loved more. I needed to be loved more than a new amplifier. I needed to have someone look at me and get excited like they would when something new would arrive from Amazon.

I needed to be appreciated for more than just when I was game to have sex.

I needed to have my sparkle be seen and fanned.

So I diminished, and I felt, after a while, that he didnt deserve me. That he didnt deserve my best. So when I traveled or was around old flames or friends who I knew understood me and made me feel great just being me, I gave THEM my best. Which, in black and white on paper, is cheating, and isnt cool.

But my heart needed it. I shouldve broken up with Jesse so much sooner than I did.

But now, we ARE broken up, and I’m super fucked up about it still. I’m glad we’re not together, but in a way like... he treated me this way when we WERE together. Indifferent, not seeing how special I am. How great we could be.

So its like... I guess he’s acting exactly the same. It hurt this much within the relationship, too... but when we were together at least I could yell at him about it. It felt good to yell at somebody for what hurts. His lack of attention still hurts, but now I have no right to get into a fight with him about it.

Its all to be expected. His behavior. He left his wife to be with me. Someone of 8 fucking years. And he never talked about her really. So why should I be surprised that he doesnt talk about me, or miss me, or seem forlorn. He didnt seem forlorn for her. He was barely single. He wasnt single. He jumped right from her to me. And now he’s very shortly on to the next. I really shouldnt be surprised.

It would be easier if he wasnt so entrenched in all the people I know.

Theres always a risk of seeing him out. I wish I was more mature about this. But honestly I’d feel the same even if we were just friends from the start. Its like seeing someone you just simply dont like, regardless of context. If someones a jerk, you dont want them to be where you are.

I may leave Austin. Its weird, being trapped by comfort. My house is pretty good. Like, the shape of the house itself is cute. Theres a porch. Theres a patio, and a coffee shop across the street.

But I dont feel happy here. I have no idea where I’d go. But I’m sick of living in a pot house. EEEVery day its bowl bong weed pot cough cough sneeze laugh lame joke bong bong lame joke bad pun leaving dishes fucking everywhere hoarding objects and never using them leaving dirt and coats and shoes and opened mail and bullshit all over the place.

I feel like I cant bitch because I dont have a job. I’m lazing around sleeping 80% of the day because... of what? Because of sadness, because I dont really want to go out there. I dont want to interact with my roommates who I find annoying. I dont want to take a walk around the neighborhood that I think its pretty boring. I dont want to go to bars and feel less than my past self. Fatter. Older. Uglier. I dont want to go feel my inadequacy proven right. Jesse treated me that way. I moved here five months after my Mom died. Brand new city.

And I didnt get a job. I didnt do a whole lot of anything. And he hated me for it. He didnt understand and it leaked in. It absolutely showed.

So now its February 2018. So many months have passed. And I’m still not doing anything. I just dont want to. I dont know where to get a job here, I dont want to commit my time to something that doesnt feel like anything. I want to exercise but it requires a 15 minute drive to get there. I want to cook but our kitchen is so fucking cluttered it drives me nuts.

Am I too uptight? Like, is this coming off like I cant function unless somethings perfect?

Im sure it sounds that way... I just... feel no spark. When my new roommate cleaned the bathroom and had music going and was doing the shit I normally do, I felt so pleased and relatable, it was marvelous. But then other two roommates come home and toss their coats all over and smoke weed and plop down watching stupid shows, and it just..

Should I try to be more of a leader? Force my way through it and burn my own trail? If theyre watching dumb shit, suggest something better? Take an active interest in life?

I definitely have been passive. I want other people to be interesting. I want to be intrigued by someone’s starting something. Somebody to already have the breadcrumbs laid down and I get to follow them and add to the adventure. I dont know if I have the energy to take the risk of being bold and leading the way, not knowing the caliber of people I’m talking to or bringing with me. Like, I want to spend energy being great around someone I already think is great. I miss having crushes. If I think someone is awesome, I feel like I then get to be super awesome too, in hopes that showing my favorite self, enjoying my own shine... that they’ll notice and enjoy it too.

But like, why shine for boring people? I dont have any interest in that. I dont want to impress people that dont impress me.

That sounds super bitchy but whatever.

Anyways. I’m way off track.

I just remembered that I need to call my Aunt Carol, who I think is mad at me, because she retired today and I’m overdue to call her. I really dont want to but it needs to be done. Calling a family member that you know is disappointed in you is NEVER fun. I feel the weight on my chest already. Okay, gonna call her. I’ll write again soon.

#emotion journal #rant

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