#a single fuck you isnt enough but i hate expressing my anger bc it makes me feel so guilty afterwards

[jasperthejester]

fuck you watchtower i wish hell was real so you could burn in it

[my1ns1des]

I'm fucking upset and I'm fucking mad I can't stop crying right now and I hate myself I'm a fucking disappointment and don't deserve to live I flipped on Jason bc I had been sleeping I said mean things I feel terrible about it I try not to fight with him or argue or yell that's what I wanted to loose from my childhood was the yelling that's all my parents do it's all they ever did I was mad at him I. Was sick of tiptoeing around his anger so that he will love me and things will get better I slipped up and told him how I feel he's so quick to leave it makes me feel like shit he doesn't express himself when he's frustrated he says his thing and leaves and it hurts it makes me feel he has no respect for me why would he all I do is disappoint him I can't fucking make him satisfied and happy in bed why would I all I ever am Is I disappointment yesterday yesterday I disappointed him when I couldn't get hard I can't satisfy him in bed I feel fucking loose and I'm afraid of. Shitting on his dick and making a mess I feel fat and gross and I hear in the back of my head don't fucking make a mess of the couch or the bed or anything and then I'm fucking hyperfocas on I'm not hard yet and I freak the fuck out inside bc I am not hard when I want to my balls hurt so bad I don't feel good and I know he feels bad and isnt satisfied which stress .e out more it's on his face it's why I stopped fucking him or even trying what's the point I knew I was always a bad lay Dan uses to tell me and everyone I've ever fucked has left me or cheated I'm just terrible at it but I disappointed him none the less Im not good enough I upset him again today by being mean I told him how I was upset by my fear of him leaving which is trure but I shouldn't tell him that he's gonna leave now it's so hard to deal with him bc I get that an excuse I wanted to say yup that's a fucking excuse im gonna take off the one thing I'm actually good at most of the time to what cheat on you fuck around or go to the fucking movies I was sleeping I let my pool team down I feel like death I got mad a d I'm wrong for that I hate when he doesn't believe me over something small I don't question when he goes to watch a movie in bed like I'm sorry I've been working and feel like crap I'm fucking depressed overworked and frankly I hate living I feel like. Waste of life I can't do anything right and the stress I'm loosing my hair again having anxiety problems I wake up from nightmares about work and disappointing Jason in bed and I'm having problems just Even going there in the morning due to stress and it's not bc it's a terribly hard job it's bc I get yelled at when I get away to different places and it gets messy and I do everything I can but I'm still adissapointnent and I can never get cut slack with work and Jay like I'd wish one would just be like I'm sorry or I'm sorry I'm hard on you or I see you doing stuff if it's work or just idk a ilove you not a I love you to or a patronizing I do love you no an I love you i wish he'd say it more first to I wish I felt secure but I don't and the diet isn't working I just idk fed up with writing out my pro lems right now hoping the fucking universe will listen and maybe life with get better or maybe this is the single piece of sanity I find to balence me back out so I can be tolerated by Jason or loved by him idk IDC I'm gonna lay down now and try and stay positive enough not to fall down that rabbit hile