#a semi-decent person who is just weird and unconventional is more interesting than someone charming and sociopathic or good but tragic

[blood-orange-juice]

Yet another Childe post, inspired by a reddit discussion this time.

In the Chinese voiceover he switches to a flat PTSD voice after he declares you a friend. Early Liyue interactions are warmer and more cordial.

He puts a lot of effort into pretending he's a normal person in front of strangers and most people never get to see anything even resembling the real him.

This is why I don't really agree with headcanons about him making friends everywhere he goes (people often use it as a proof that he's Normal and Sweet and only does morally questionable things because of the Fatui). He's superficially friendly and charming because he wants something from people or as a precaution measure, but that's all there is to it. It's a skill. 

I don't think he cares about making friends.

(I actually wonder if Yoimiya and Xinyan friendly reactions to him is being able to see his real somewhat decent self or just giving our boy the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think these two can be fooled by superficial things so it's probably just them being kind and him not being actively malicious)

When he actually considers someone a friend he becomes... rather unpleasant. Like in that line about rain and fishing.

For a similar reason I don't really buy the idea of three guys in Meropide being Childe's friends. The story they tell heavily implies that they tried to bully him until he snapped, wiped the floor with them and returned to whatever he was doing at the moment. Then they suddenly began to adore him. It's not friendship, it's fawning and it's not worth much. I'm sure Childe knows it.

So he got himself a bunch of henchmen, shrugged and used them for his goals (I'm sure he was nice about it, the guy is generous when someone helps him). He then probably forgot they ever existed.

It's not what you normally call "making friends". He just makes sure he's liked while he still needs it.

The boy has manners though, I'll give him that.

[secondhand-trash]

Paper Cranes

A/N: I know I said this about literally everything I write but this is self-indulgence af because please I just want someone to rant to when I have writer’s blocks (which is all the time) you get me? (Also, I’m not saying you have to do it but I’m def attaching a paper crane tutorial so everyone can get the whole iMmErSivE reading experience)

Pairing: Takami Keigo x reader

Description: Your unconventional way of handling writer’s block caught the eyes of a certain bird boi.

Word count: 3838

Warning: mentions of injuries/hospital

Playlist:

What’s My Age Again?//Blink-182 (This is a Hawks song you can’t convince me otherwise)

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor//Artic Monkeys

The Next Time We Wed//The Fratellis

-

You knew that there were more productive things you could be doing right now, sitting at the outdoor area of a cafe with a half-empty mug next to a laptop but your brain felt more like a pile of mush and every word you typed out in the last 20 minutes made you cringe, which was exactly why you stopped doing that all together.

Refusing to even look at the untouched word document on the laptop in front of you, you pulled out a pile of coloured square paper and started folding it in a routine you knew at the back of your head. You sighed as you stared at the small crane in your palm. Your odd habit of folding paper cranes whenever you got stuck on something came when you were so infuriated with not doing anything that you started toying around with the napkin provided by the cafe. After getting bored of bunching up the paper towel repeatedly, you started looking up easy origami tutorials to forge the sense that you actually did something and wasn’t wasting your time by making something presentable. You settled with the elementary school level crane and it became the only origami you were semi-decent at making. You kept all the cranes you made from your writing sessions at the cafe in a paper bag you carried around all the time. The bag was half full and you weren’t sure how to feel about it, knowing full well that it implied that you spent a lot of the time you planned to use on writing making little to no progress.

It had become a routine for you almost. Going to the cafe with your laptop and notes, ordering coffee with as much extra shots of espresso the shop offers, open your document, your brain stops working midway, shifting your focus to folding cranes as an outlet for your frustration and self-loathing. So productive, so good for your mental health-

“I thought you are supposed to be writing?”

Oh, all that and being interrupted by this oversized blonde pigeon.

You did not stop even when you heard the sound of the man in front of you pulling the chair and sitting down next to you uninvited. Pressing down on the paper to form the beak, you threw the origami into the paper bag with the rest of its friends before finally lifting your head to meet the amused gaze of the winged hero.

“And I thought that heroes are supposed to be real preoccupied with saving people and all that,” you said as you lifted your brow, “I’m really starting to question if you are getting any work done, how come you’re always around?”

Hawks laughed, attracting the attention of by passers as some of them gawked at the number 2 hero who was so casually sitting there with someone who looked like they wanted nothing more than to wipe his grin off his face. “What can I say? You’re my favourite writer and I’m just trying to urge you to put new stuff out there.” he said, not without adding a wink at the end and you groaned in annoyance. You weren’t gonna lie and say that you didn’t feel the slightest bit flattered when the charming hero approached you for the first time, saying that he read your work. But as he showed up more and more frequently and invited himself to watch and gave snarky remarks as you struggled, it was like Hawks was trying to get you to be annoyed at him deliberately.

“What’s with you and paper cranes anyways? Ever think about switching things up and fold something else?” he asked, reaching for one of your creations and fiddled with it curiously despite the glare you were sending him.

“Cranes require the least effort,” you said as you leaned forward to snatch it out of his hand and groaned when he pulled back with a knowing smirk, “not sure if you can tell but I’m already on the verge of a breakdown. I’m not gonna put even more stress into doing something that is supposed to take my mind off of my lack of productivity.”

You let out a defeated sigh and fell back onto your seat which only made his smirk grew wider. He examined the origami for a little longer and shifted his stare back at you, “Can I have one?”

“What? No!” you snorted and launched forward to take it back as he let his guard down. You gave the hero a disbelieved look as he gave you a childish pout that was so unfitted for someone of his status. Before you met him, you always thought of the pro-hero as a suave and respectable person. Well, you still sorta did, but to think that this man was someone people rely on was something that became hard for you to imagine, especially seeing how child-like he was in front of you.

“But whyyyyy,” Hawks whined and motioned to the paper bag on the floor next to you, “you had made so many! What difference will it make if I take one?”

“They’re all my children and I love every single one of them,” you said as you dramatically placed a palm on your chest where your heart would be at, “you are dead wrong if you think I’ll ever let someone take away one of my babies.”

Hawks snickered, “God, are all writers so weird?”

“I don’t know, are all heroes annoying?”

He threw his hands in the air in defeat, “Fine, I won’t force you to separate from your children.”

“Good.” you nodded as you threw yet another crane into the bag.

“As much as I like talking about your crane obsession, I need to get going. Still a long way to go until heroes can properly slack off.” he said as he got up and stretched. HIs wings spanning widely as he extended his arms, threatening to push your things off the table and hit you in the face.

You quickly dodged the assault of his wings and bent down to shield your precious laptop, “Mind your ducking wings, you blind goose.”

He let out a full body laugh at your insult and started walking away, only to turn on his heels as he heard you call out for him. “Hawks?”

“Yes?”

“Put it back.”

He groaned as he reached into the inner pocket of his jacket to pull out a tiny paper crane. He muttered something about you being telepathic while he let the origami slid from his palm into the paper bag where it belong and you couldn’t contain your grin despite your best effort.

You stared at the pile of paper cranes in front of you soullessly. If you were being self-deprecating and giving in to unhealthy coping mechanisms when you said you were on the verge of a breakdown before, you were seriously burnt out now. Usually, folding origami would give you the slightest bit of ease but it wasn’t working now. You could feel your head throbbing in pain as the blankness of the screen mocked you and you lowered your head with your eyes shut, trying to calm the stiffness in your brain just a little. You didn’t even pick up on the familiar sound of chair shuffling until a voice brought you back to reality.

“Wow, you must be really stressed out huh?”

With your forehead on the table, you groaned, “Not now, Hawks. Go bother some other civilian.”

”But you’re the most fun to be around!” he chuckled and you snapped your head up to stare at man. His laughter quickly died down under the gaze of your bloodshot eyes.

“What do you want, you featherbrained son of a birdspawn,” you grunted, “no. It’s not working. I can’t even find joy in insulting you anymore, this is bad.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” he said, concern contrasting with his lighthearted words, “are you ok?”

“Not at all. It’s like I don’t even know how to form proper sentences. There’s so many ideas floating through my brain but it just goes ‘error 404′ when I actually try to write it out,” you ran your hand through your hair as you went on with your rant, “I’m spiraling and I don’t know what to do. I’m in desperate need for a distraction.”

Hawks looked at you as you took a deep breath, being quieter than you ever remembered him to be. You put your tired gaze on him and that’s when the red feathers poking from behind his back caught your eyes. You weren’t exaggerating when you said you needed a distraction and right now you wondered how you had never took much interest in the winged hero’s trademark before.

“Can I touch your wings?”

“What?” his eyes widened at your sudden request, almost believing that he had misheard what you just said.

“Can I touch them?”

His shocked expression slowly faded and the corner of his lips slowly tugged upwards, “Never thought of you as the eager type.”

“Hawks, I swear to god-”

“At least try to buy me dinner first-”

“Get your mind out of the gutter, you hormonal rooster.” you bite back but immediately realized that you probably shouldn’t act so aggressive when you were asking for a favour and unknowingly whined, “it’s just, it looks so soft and I never really thought of it and I’m so hyperaware of everything right now that I just want to know what it feels like.”

Hawks fell silent for a moment. In all honesty, he had always been very iffy about anyone making contact to his wings. It was an important tool to his survival, not to mention extremely sensitive. But you looked so tired and beaten up that he just didn’t have the heart to reject you.

Hawks carefully extended his left wing to you and the way you perked up just a little made his heart swell. You leaned forward and lightly stoked a finger along the most outward feather of his wingtip. Chills shot down his spine as you felt the red feather gently and he had to physically restraint himself from shivering under you touch. Hawks was shocked when he almost let out a disappointed sigh as you pulled back, he didn’t even realize how much he enjoyed the gentle affection you were giving him.

You had seen him in action in news broadcast many times before and it amazed you how the razor sharp feathers he often used in fights felt like silk under the pad of your finger. You felt content for a split second before the thought of your untouched work slowly shadowed you short happiness once again.

“Did that help?” he tentatively asked and his heart sank as you let out a sigh.

“No,” you groaned, feeling bad that he let you invade his personal space just to help you but it didn’t work, “I’m starting to feel like I’m washing my entire career down the drain at this rate.”

It pained him to see his usually witty and sharp-tongued friend in this state. Hawks looked around to see if there’s anything he could do for you when the golden glow of the late afternoon sun gave him an idea.

“Wait, what are you doing?” you asked as the man grabbed you by your forearm and started pulling you up from your slumping position.

“I’m taking you somewhere.”

You were confused but his serious demeanor showed you that he was genuinely trying to help, “At least let me pack my things first.”

“Leave it here.” he said as he pulled you with him, completely clueless as to where you were going.

“You must be kidding me...” you said, now standing on the rooftop of a random building Hawks dragged you to.

“Do you trust me?”

“No offense but no.”

“And here I thought we’re getting somewhere,” he sighed before looking at you and the determined look in his eyes shut down all your attempts at protesting, “I promise this’ll help, just trust me for once.”

You felt your breath hitched in your throat at the way he looked so intensely at you, almost pleading in a way and it made your heart soft. Letting out a defeated sigh, you stepped closer to him and wrapped your arm around his neck. He locked his arm tightly around your waist and you could feel the heat radiating off his body at the close proximity.

“If you let go of me at any given moment, I swear I’ll turn you into a chicken casserole and eat it for dinner.”

“That’s my snarky little literary giant.” he grinned before taking off and you held on tightly to him. Almost burying your face in the crook of his neck, partly in fear of slipping down, but mostly to hide the faint blush on your face.

Hawks kept his promise and held you securely around your waist throughout the whole flight. Your heart was beating fast from the adrenaline of being so high up the sky but also because his face was merely millimeters away from yours. Feeling a bit more comfortable with the height after a while, you relaxed your neck and felt chilling wind on your face. You peered down to see that big city reduced to miniatures below you. It was a sight to witness.

“Not as bad as you thought, right?” his smooth voice rang from just above your eye and you felt your cheeks heat up, letting out nothing but a soft hum in response.

“We’re here.” Hawks gently put you down and you leaped onto the soft grass. You looked around to see that you were on a hilltop away from the central city. Turning around, you were immediately speechless.

“So, what do you think?” he asked, almost a bit nervous at your lack of response and he wasn’t even sure why he was so jittery.

The sun was sinking down, giving off an almost golden glow. You could see the skyline of the city from where you were at, the clear windows of the compacted buildings glistening from under the sunshine. The sound of cars speeding on the highway mixed with the occasional breeze from the soft wind eased the knot in your head, the fresh smell of grass made you sigh in content. You watched from afar as the entire city basked under the sunlight, emitting a soft radiance. It was majestic.

You gasped, “This is...”

“I always come here when I feel like I can’t keep going,” he said, “this sight never fails to lift me back up.”

You chocked out a gasp in awe, “It’s beautiful.”

You were looking at the sky, but he was looking at you. “It is.” Hawks whispered.

And even for just a short while, the sight and the comforting presence of him made you feel so much better.

You felt great. It had been a long while since you were last so inspired as you type away on your keyboard, not stopping except for the few times you paused to take sips of your coffee.

You looked at the words on the screen and hummed in satisfaction, pulling your shoulders back to relax the tensed muscles. You couldn’t wait to tell Hawks that it worked and you were making amazing progress.

Speaking of Hawks, where was that dumb bird anyways? He usually shows up around this hour but he was nowhere to be seen.

You looked around to see if you could find any sight of the familiar red feathers anywhere but stopped as you heard the chattering from the group of women sitting from a few tables away.

“Oh my god, have you seen the news? Absolutely horrifying!”

“I know right? It must be a really tough fight, Hawks was always so quick to capture a villain!”

You got immediately alerted at the mention of your friend. Your mind started racing, she said ‘horrifying’.

“Haven’t you heard? His agency put out a statement this morning saying that he had to take a break from work just to recover, that poor thing!”

You felt heat retreating from your face and your senses going numb. Slightly panicking, you rummaged through your bag for your phone and immediately went onto the news site once you got hold of it. Your eyes widened and you clasped your hand on your mouth at the gory photo attached to the article. You could not began to describe the twisting in your stomach when you saw the usually cheery hero being so beaten up, his glorious wings you tenderly stroked not so long ago now left with nothing but the long, thin bone of its main structure.

It hurt.

It hurt to see him like that and you hated how there’s nothing you could do for him when he went out of his way to help you when you were in need. That’s when you noticed the paper bag you brought with you out of habit. Quickly shoving everything on the table into your bag and threw it across your shoulder, you clutched the handle of the paper bag tightly in your hand, wondering if it would work if you just wished harder.

Hawks groaned as he twisted on his sofa. He had been forced to stay home after that particularly gruesome fight to allow both the injuries on his body and his abused wings to recover. To say that he was bored out of his mind would be an understatement. Flicking from channel to channel mindlessly, he sighed at how there’s nothing that could entertain him.

He wondered what you would say if you had saw him lying there like a dead fish, probably something along the lines of him acting like a slab of ‘dry, flavourless chicken breast’. He chuckled at the thought of your usual snarky attitude and felt even lonelier when he was once again reminded that he was confined in the concrete walls of his apartment, with no one but himself.

He almost flung himself at the door when he heard the bell rang, wincing in pain as he had forgotten about the main reason why he was on what he felt like house arrest.

Hawks opened the door to see his sidekick. “Morning Mr Hawks, feeling better?”

“Physically yes but I’m going to combust if I had to stay in any longer.”

The sidekick gave his boss a nervous chuckle, he had been working for the hero for long enough to know how on edge he could be when he was put out of action for too long. “Just for a little longer, the agency needs to make sure that you’ve recovered completely before letting you get back to work,” his sidekick quickly added upon seeing how Hawks’ face dropped, “actually, I’m here to bring you this.”

Hawks watched as his sidekick pulled out a paper bag that almost looked too familiar. “Someone gave this to me at the agency and asked me to bring it to you, must be some sort of fan gift.”

Bidding his sidekick goodbye, he quickly locked the door and opened the bag that felt quite heavy when he was holding it in his hands. Prying the bag open, his heart soared as he looked inside to find it filled up to the brim with paper cranes.

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen you actually typing instead of folding cranes.”

“Hawks!” you immediately looked up when you heard his voice and the bright smile on your face that was in place of the usual sneer made his heart flutter, “You’re alive!”

You rested your chin on your palm as you watched him sat down. You would never tell him but it almost felt wrong to have the table all to your own for the past week.

“Gladly, I nearly died out of boredom,” you snickered and god, did he miss that sound, “thanks for the cranes. I had them put on a string and hanged in my office just so you know, really added some life to that place.”

You smiled, happy to know that your thoughts were properly delivered. He teasingly asked, “Thought you were hell-bent on never separating from your children?”

You shook your hand, grinning from ear to ear. “Nah, I figured you need it more than I do.”

Hawks raised his brow, “How’s that so?”

You chuckled nervously, pondering if you should tell him what it meant. Not knowing that he was well aware of the meaning behind the one thousand paper cranes you gave him, he just wanted to hear you say it out loud so badly.

“It means to wish for peace and health,” you wondered why you were suddenly so reserved when you spent most time with this man making fun of each other, “I just thought you would need extra of both of those.”

Hawks smirked. You were hiding the rest of the meaning deliberately and he was determined to get you to admit it.

“It only works when you do it for someone you really care for,” he said and he felt the pounding in his chest, “you care for me.”

He could see the blush forming on you face and it filled him with an unexplainable feeling of joy. “I never said I don’t.” you said with a smirk of your own, trying to brush away your sudden shyness.

“We both know it doesn’t work like that.” he tried to fake the confidence in his voice but deep inside, he was anxious to see your reaction to what he wanted to say.

“You like me.” that last part came out in a whisper but you could hear it clearly. Despite it having nothing but thin pin feathers, he could feel them stood up on his back in pure excitement as you didn’t object. His face almost hurt from smiling as he caught sight of the sheepish smile on your reddened face as you lowered your head to avoid his gaze.

“Does that mean I’m the father to your paper children now?”

“Don’t push it...”

He gasped, “We’re gonna make such beautiful crane babies-”

“Don’t push it,” you glared at him and quickly put on a smirk as you regained your usual composure, “besides, salmonella-ridden raw chickens can’t give birth to cranes.”

“That’s low,” Hawks put a hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt, “even for you.”

You could not control your laughter as he continued to say that you wounded his ego.

Oh, how you adored this bird boi.

Bonus

“Wait, where are you supposed to put this flap?”

“Just tug it underneath the other part.”

“What? But how do you make it into that shape?”

“You... Nevermind, having one artistic person is enough in a relationship.”

“No, you’re not leaving until you teach me how to make this stupid thing.”

“Don’t go insulting our children when it is clearly your lack of talent. Here, take this, it’s you in origami form. I made it while you were struggling.”

“..."

“...”

“It’s just a regular crane with two legs.”

“Exactly.”

(And here’s the tutorial that nobody asked for but I wanted to put in anyways so y’all can join in and make beautiful crane babies of your own)

[thefilmfatale]

Always Be My Maybe and How to Ruin a Rom Com

There is an art to a good romantic comedy.

Let me preface this post with a confession: I am a rom com enthusiast. Go ahead, turn your nose up at me, you snobs! But I unabashedly love romantic comedies. Yes, I’m aware that the genre is much maligned for being painfully predictable and vapid, but it would surprise you how tough it actually is to produce a solid rom com that hits all the right notes.

You see, there’s a formula. Boy Meets Girl (yes, I’m being deliberately heteronormative for this example, put your pitchforks down). Girl plays hard to get. Boy persists and wins her over despite how much the lady doth protest too much. A conflict introduces tension and separation (”Gasp! This was all part of a bet?!”), throwing the relationship into jeopardy. Boy performs Grand Gesture™ to win back Girl’s heart. Girl forgives Boy and the two gallop into the sunset. Cue Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life” as the credits roll.

The formula works, but only if the filmmaker can trick the audience into believing that this on screen romance has real stakes. To do that, you have to have a script that at least pretends to explore an interesting relationship which, as it unfolds, gives the audience butterflies and makes them want to root for the star-crossed lovers. Without audience investment, you have no rom com.

To get the audience to invest, you need likeable leads who have great chemistry and just enough tangible sexual tension to create that air of “Will they or won’t they?” After all, no one ships a couple who are devoid of personality and lack chemistry. Most of this sexual tension is physical—in the way the actors interact with each other—but what can really help establish this is verbal, by way of witty repartee.

Think of some of the classic rom coms, like When Harry Met Sally. Why does it work? Sally is a Type A personality. Prim, proper, particular, and uptight. Harry is more laid back, casual, and candid— unafraid to tell it like it is. He’s also a bit of a troll who enjoys getting a rise out of someone. Throw the two on a road trip together and you have a recipe for romance (or disaster—however you want to look at it). As a viewer, you begin to root for them because we’re told that opposites attract and complement each other. Harry softens Sally’s rough edges, Sally helps Harry realize he needs some maturing.

And you all know the Big Gesture™. A New Year’s eve confession that inspired a thousand sappy rom-com speeches.

What makes When Harry Met Sally successful?

Harry and Sally are different enough from each other that there is enough sexual tension and push and pull to make their interactions interesting.

Each half of the couple has their own personality that feels authentic to their character. They have their own ambitions and goals. They also have traits and quirks that uniquely position them to attract each other.

The relationship does not seem guaranteed—the audience has to have a moment of doubt or uncertainty that makes them will the couple back together.  

Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal have fantastic chemistry.

It seems pretty straightforward. Follow the formula, and you’ll be fine. In fact, it’s hard to screw up a good rom com if you just imagine unconventional ways to put two individually interesting but opposite enough people together then lean back and watch the sparks fly.

So all this to say that nothing could have prepared me for the soul-sucking awfulness of Always Be My Maybe, the Netflix flick starring comedian Ali Wong (know for her Baby Cobra Netflix special) and Fresh Off the Boat’s Randall Park.

The story follows Sasha Tran (Wong), a renowned chef and restauranteur, who rekindles a romance with her childhood best friend Marcus Kim (Park) when her marriage engagement suddenly falls through. Tran is portrayed as ambitious and driven, while Kim is unmotivated and immature, using his widowed father as a crutch to not follow his dreams. In its purest form (this summary), the gist of the story seems fine. Nothing to write home about (certainly not novel), but this is romantic comedy and the bar is more of a footstool so no one’s begrudging sticking to convention. But Always Be My Maybe takes that convention and, in true Asian fashion, approaches it with textbook diligence that just sapped the joy and life out of what should have been a fun, light-hearted romp. So much for subverting Asian stereotypes!

Now I’m a fan of Ali Wong and Randall Park’s, but this movie was so mind-numbing, it made me physically ill. Ali Wong? Hilarious! Randall Park? Extremely likable and has great comedic timing! Together you would think they would be dynamite. Fireworks! An explosive affair of epic proportions! And for those of us who’ve had a hankering for a rom com with Asian leads (and God knows we’ve waited a long fucking time—thank you, Crazy Rich Asians) we know about the demand for one.  

Alas, what a disappointment. A telephone pole and I would have had more chemistry than Ali Wong and Randall Park. As much as it pains, I have to say that Always Be My Maybe just might be one of the worst romantic comedies I have ever watched.

Not only did this movie put two leads together who had zero chemistry—or at least enough sexual tension to help the audience suspend their disbelief that these aren't just actors—but the story unfolds in a fashion that actually makes the audience keenly aware of the formula. I know I said if you just follow the formula you can’t go wrong, but Jesus they didn’t have to make it so obvious! It’s like Fight Club, you know? The first rule of making a good rom com is YOU DO NOT MAKE THE AUDIENCE AWARE THAT THEY ARE WATCHING A ROM COM. I mean, at least try to approach it like it’s actually an interesting story about two people.

Instead, the movie followed story beats that seemed to exist for the sake of moving the story along instead of actually selling us on the relationship. The beats were so obvious that you can actually pinpoint where they begin and end because they were helpfully (and often unnecessarily) bookended by old school hip hop songs. Cue music! Here comes the conflict, the part where Boy and Girl rekindle their romance only to find that the years apart have made them different people. Boy judges Girl for being pretentious and obnoxious. Girl judges boy for being immature and unmotivated. A big fight ensues! Insults are hurled at each other that are so truthful they hurt! But it’s only a sign that they are meant to be with each other because they can trust each other to be this honest!

You know your movie is bad when your story beats are so obvious that they take the viewer out of the movie. You know your rom com is bad when Boy’s Big Gesture™ felt like a very clear When Harry Met Sally rip-off with dialogue that makes you want to get a lobotomy. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being referential or, even better, deliberately parodying romantic comedies. But Always Be My Maybe wasn’t really trying to be either. It was just stuck in this weird gray area of trying to be a romantic comedy and failing.  

Always Be My Maybe’s biggest problem is in its turd of a script. It was so cringeworthy, filled with inauthentic lines and tired Asian jokes (the joke about Asians hating tipping was played out to the point of exasperation). Even their attempts to make fun of woke culture (which is an effort I wholly endorse) felt contrived and flat, which is such a bummer because that would have been a cool differentiator. Even the promising jabs at the pretentiousness of haute cuisine were awkwardly executed. Most of all, it didn't do its lead actors any favors, turning them into cartoonish cardboard cut-outs that were designed to follow the formula of a rom-com without putting in the work to earn the audience’s investment. Performance-wise, Wong did a passable job, but there were times when it felt like she was reciting a line that was clearly more apt for a comedy skit rather than a piece of dialogue that a character in a movie is saying. Park’s attempt at faux awkwardness, on the other hand, was excruciating to watch. Couldn’t he just be a dude in a rap band who happens to live with his dad? That's a decent enough back story. There really wasn’t a need to give him a personality quirk that seemed put on rather than authentic.  

The film’s most promising moment was a Keanu Reeves cameo. And it’s only because Reeves was so game at poking fun of himself and the pretentiousness of celebrity that it worked. But just like the tired Asian jokes, at a certain point the humor was played out to the point where it became unwelcome. I also want to give credit to the film for portraying an Asian American upbringing that wasn’t the Fresh Off the Boat variety. While there isn't anything wrong with that portrayal, it’s also a treat to be able to see a different dimension of Asian culture, one that shows how typical and relatable it is to the average American’s upbringing. Premarital, promiscuous sex! Rap music! Being into pretentious food! Much as I hate to admit it, the whole “Asians—we’re just like you!” approach is kinda needed in film and television because it removes this layer of exoticization that can be restrictive to Asian characters.

While not tokenizing Asian characters is a positive, it still doesn’t make Always Be My Maybe a good movie. While I did watch it all the way to the end (despite my body’s vehement protests), it hurt my soul in ways I didn’t anticipate. How did they ruin this rom com? First, and most importantly, there was a shocking lack of individual character development. You don't get a sense of who these people are individually. Instead, they just seemed to be characters created for the sole purpose of putting them together and contrasting them enough to where they should have some sort of chemistry. But you can’t manufacture that. Each actor has to go through the work of making their characters likable. If I like the characters individually, I like them even better together! See how that 2+2 worked? But without dedicating the right amount of time and space in the story to showing their inner lives and what makes them tick, you’re setting them up for failure.

Second, and on a related note: there were no real stakes to the relationship. because setting up Sasha and Marcus to be together just seemed like a given from the get go. There didn’t seem to be any real jeopardy to their relationship, even once the conflict was introduced. The forced repartee between the characters came off like lines of dialogue instead of natural conversation, not to mention the very apparent lack of chemistry between Ali Wong and Randall Park. So much so that you didn’t really want to see them make out, let alone root for them to end up together. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you ruin a rom com.

If you, a friend, or family member just watched Always Be My Maybe and are experiencing similar symptoms of nausea and misanthropy, may I direct you to a Netflix original rom com that is actually good? Go check out Set It Up, if you haven’t already!

What did you think of Always Be My Maybe? Am I full of shit? Did you like it? What are some of your favorite romantic comedies? Sound off in the comments below!