#a second pair of eyes wouldve been helpful but i also can't imagine not being made to feel like an idiot about it all | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

slippery-minghus · 1 year ago

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the bad news is i spent about an hour (after already getting home late) wandering around my apartment crying because i couldn't find my computer mouse anywhere. checking every place it could be twice, three times, knowing i don't lose things because of how badly it messes me up, only finally finding it at the cusp of a very bad meltdown in a place that i had already checked once before (and only once bc i knew i hadn't seen it in there the other day). had to take meds and cbd and lay on the floor for a long time and i still don't really feel ok.

but the good news? i won $100 in a raffle through work. so that's neat.

#personal #eating and drinking will probably help a lot right now but they're kinda the last things i want to do #takes too many spoons #and my entire face hurts from crying #therapist brain is asking me what that whole computer mouse search ordeal might have felt like if i wasn't alone #and first answer is i wouldn't have let myself get so worked up bc my Being Upset and Fixated is apparently very bad #always made my mom really upset #so probably not a safe thing to express #around anyone. any. one.#i don't know that i woulda been able to really hold it in tho with how upset i got. though maybe i wouldn't have spiraled so much?#a second pair of eyes wouldve been helpful but i also can't imagine not being made to feel like an idiot about it all #i kept saying to myself that *i don't lose things*. it's *not like me* and i even cited what my shrink has said #about how much i clearly DO care about things and always act with INTENT. and i felt that all about to shatter in the face of the proof #that i wasn't. proof that i WAS careless. proof that saying i'm anything but a thoughtless careless waste #was just another lie i was telling myself (and believing it so thoroughly i didn't even know i was lying)#and then i found the mouse. in a spot that i know made sense at the time #i at least managed not to throw it at the wall and shatter it. i didn't even want to. the mouse didnt do anything wrong #i can't even imagine a possible scenario where having another person with me when that happened would have been a good thing #where i would have been safer (and not just bc i was masking and bottling it all up) and not made to be a monster #other people aren't safe #why would they be? i'm certainly not

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