#a sandcastle constantly getting washed by the waves and my loved ones are a kid building it over and over | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

daz4i · 1 year ago

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weirdest thing i get told is that I'm strong or resilient. girl i crumble into dust on a weekly basis. i only take the shape of a person the next day bc the wind blows me back into that. i do not want to be doing any of this

#i think. i just don't want ppl to think this is me being strong #bc i feel so weak. the smallest gust of wind makes me fall and fail to get up #when i say i never recovered from anything that has ever happened to me i mean it #it feels like my past and the way it shaped me into this horrible creature keeps pulling me down a bottomless pit #and i feel powerless to stop it. mostly because i don't want to #and i don't WANT to be strong. so how can i be? can you carry a weight without intending to? i don't think so (insert atlas allegory here)#and saying I'm resilient feels like a straight up lie (which is funny since this is what my name means i think). i am like an open wound #a sandcastle constantly getting washed by the waves and my loved ones are a kid building it over and over #...I'm being very poetic rn. most of this is bullshit. sorry. i haven't created in a long while #point is. i hate being called that. bc it's wrong. and if i ever do get better and start wanting to live somehow -#- then being called strong now when I'm doing this bad feels like an insult to my future self #and if I'm strong now then imagine the astronomical strength i would need to actually stop falling and start moving #i wish i was dead and rotting in the ground rn #vent #lots of these tonight. sorry. idk what's going on. maybe it's hormonal shit. maybe my lack of near goal. maybe life just sucks #(all of these are true and combined into one. so. I'm at my lowest ig)

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