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idjitlili · 4 years

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Shrimp Dick Azog.

Kili x reader, requested by anon.

Summary: Kili convinces you to to join him on hiding from his royal duties as a prince.

Word count: 2899

Warnings: Language , sorry watched Moulin rouge.

So, you hadn't actually grown up with Kili and Fili, more like bloody thrown from the sky a year ago, into their world. Not their world, middle earth. Was not the best thing you wanted, you had just been walking down the stairs with a lightsaber,why a lightsaber? You knew the answer, whether it was yours or someone else's, you knew.

Oh, the dwarves did not like that at all. Surrounding you in a circle a circle , most under average height men, one tall old man and a cute curly haired toddler. Activating the lightsaber, glowing blue, humming as you held it, several confused faces around you.

"Witch!" The men definitely did not know of the modern world, you thought you had landed right into 17th century.

"I do not know what your game is, kidnapping me , but I will use this, stay back!" Feeling like Wendy from the shining, swinging the lightsaber.

Swoosh.

Woosh

Pssshhew

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVv

vvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvWWWVV.

Yeah wasn't long after that you were a part of the company, you had a higher purpose according to Gandalf, so be it. Okay, it would've been horrifying if you had accidentally hit one of the dwarves when you first met them, not long would they have killed you. Why? Because some how it had became real getting into this world.

Basically you were a padawan and a Jedi master at the same time, highly dangerous with no experience. Was this necessary for the Gods to do this? No it was not, however , Lili just misses Obi-wan, okay?

Being very young, not a minor, but young in the eyes of the dwarves being between the ages 60 and 300. You had been befriended by Fili and Kili quickly;even if you were shy and made friends difficultly. They welcomed you and made you feel comfortable, oh don't get me started on little Ori. He knitted you a blanket within an hour of your arrival, he wasn't just the youngest , he was the sweetest.

Kili right off the back he was a teasing, you weren't sure if he just wanted to get a hold of the lightsaber. Of course you couldn't just be Fili or Kili's friend you had to be both, they were not just brothers, they were best friends.

You did end up being best friends with both, Kili on a slightly higher level.

At the battle of the five armies, no one stood a chance, the orcs struggled to defend themselves from the lightsaber. Though, you should've let Thorin killed Azog he would not have made it. So, you had simply cut Azogs shrimp dick off and then sliced him in half.

Thus, the battle was won, saving the line of Durin was your greater purpose.

Though, once Azog was defeated Fili and Kili had run into the ice ,unharmed mostly , towards you and their uncle. Kili had slipped pretty fast, smacking his face right into the solid ice, you were surprised he didn't break his nose. Fili went to stop but his younger brother was already back on his feet grinning larger than ever running again.

Your lightsaber still on, humming in the background, stuck out to the side. Thorin heavily breathed, his arms crossed like he was not exhausted , thankful his nephews were safe.

"Oh, OH, who did that?" Kili and Fili smiling up to their uncle and you briefly before Kili had noticed the tiny dick on the floor. Maybe Kili had trouble distinguishing what the small thing was, Fili and Thorin joining in to look. Thorin's face snapping back to yours with disgust ,sighing.

"Y/n, you cut Azogs cock off?" Jabbing Kili in his ribs, at his language , Fili had let out a snort of laughter, patting you on the back.

"I'm sorry, who killed him? Me? So,"

Kili hadn't hesitated picking up the small dick, with two fingers, holding it up to you, too close, stepping back, he had stepped forward.

"Stay back, stay back, I'll kill you with the lightsaber or I will run away with Legolas I always wanted to taste a princess's puss- STAY BACK."

The rest of the company not long after had made it to the four of you, and the shrivelled dick was taken and put on to a cocktail stick . Placed in a glass box on display to present their power towards the Orcs. You were not sure really why they thought that would be a good idea.

Imagine bomber comes in and mistakes it for cocktail sausage.

Erebor was reclaimed, you Bilbo welcome to stay for your contribution to the quest, not just because you saved their stupid arses. Anyone could have seen that was a trapped. Bilbo had went home not long after, promising he would come back, he just really wanted to check on his hole. You having nowhere else to go you stayed.

Though it was a good idea to start, as Erebor filled up the less time you spent with the brothers. The royal duties pulled them away constantly. It was not like you exactly fitted in, you were human, you didn't have a beard to your hips, you were a 'warrior' now but that was because you a had a fucking lightsaber.

Most days you'd be in your chambers with a book, good from the kitchen, or taking your little money from the quest to the now rebuilt markets of dale. It was hard to make friends, so, you were alone. Sometimes you'd visit Bofur in his toy shop or Ori in the library.Frankly , you went to Ori often, he gave the best book suggestions.

You rarely saw Fili or Kili anymore unless they were rushing by you in the halls in a hurry , not even glancing at you.

A whole month of being alone had went by, on that night you began to pack. You figured to go visit Bilbo before heading Gondor, it had been without an heir for years, with Ecthelion II as the steward. Minas Tirith was the city of man, you had no where else to go. Unless you lived in Mirkwood as a witch.

With your bag packed, you left your chambers, during the night, early morning, so that you would not be questioned. Your shoes tapping against the stone , leading yourself out of Erebor quickly.

At the top of a set of stairs is when you head it, the pounding against the stone someone was running. Rushing down the stairs , at an increasing speed, trying not to trip. "Y/n?"

Your face. Your race. The way you talk, I kiss you are beautiful. You knew that voice, the voice of a flirt now panic, as you ran towards the entrance of Erebor.

"Y/n, wait!" But you didn't you continued running as fast as you could, ignoring Kili's pleads that echoed through the empty halls. Well, until you tripped landing flat on your face, against the cold stone, just as Kili had.

"Y/n!" Rushing towards you still, he had knelt by you, flipping you on your back, your eyes shut and motionless. "Please , don't be dead." His voice soft, letting out a load dramatic sob, you were not sure if it was real, his hands on your cheeks squishing them. Pushing his hands off you forcefully, sitting up to look at him. The moon light brightening his face from the sark halls, only a few candles were lit.

"I'm not dead; just wanted you to go away." His shoulders sank , as did the smile he gave you, his chestnut eyes dulled looking over your form and your bag.

"Where are you going...y/n?"

There was no point lying, you were clearly going somewhere, no I'm not going anywhere bullshit.

"Gondor."

"Gondor? Gondor?! Why would you go there? What do you have there?" He was not happy, you both just sitting on the cold floor, staring at your feet as Kili stared you down.

"What do I have here? I've done what I was meant to." Kili had scoffed in annoyance his face scrunching up as you stood from the floor.

"You cannot be serious. Y/n/n, please, I was coming to see you before I saw you in the hall. Don't leave."

"Well, that's lovely."

"Y/n, please don't leave me, please..." The voice soft, cracking into a higher pitch, your feet halted in place.

"Walk me back to my room."

With that, Kili did a bright smile on his lips, grabbing your bag, and your hand. As he skipped to your room, pressing a large kiss to your cheek.

"See you in the morning, love!"

You were alone again, sleeping in your bed with all the furs over you, you fell into slumber. What only felt like minutes had been hours , waking up from your door being slammed open. You forgot to lock it... Jumping out of sleep to see who was there, your hair stuck to your face , your eyes sagging.

Closing the door, there stood Kili smiling at you panting, his hair wind swept, leaning against your door. You had let out a groans falling back onto your pillow, your eyes slamming shut. For a moment there was no sound no nothing, but you knew you would not be able to go back to sleep. Especially when Kili had jumped onto your bed, specifically onto the pillow next to yours.

Turning your head to the side, there laid Kili his head held up by his hand with his arm in a triangle. Yeah on his side, that pose, grinning at you.

"Good morning." Half tempted to grab your pillow and cover his face with it you had let out a moan again, flipping to face the other way. The bed got lighter, Kili had left no he had not, he was going to do something you wouldn't like. Seconds later, the squeaking of draws being opened , hit you, you were not getting more sleep.

Your eyes now wide, after rubbing the sleep from them, sitting up against your pillow- You could clearly see Kili going through your draws picking items of clothing out. Wait, what was he wearing? He had a long brunette wig on. Hold on he was not picking out one outfit, but two. Did he think you were the same size?

"I'll buy you more." Like he knew what you were thinking, he turned and threw some clothing at you. "Hurry up, I need you to help me." His tone serious, not harsh nor loud just differently his flirtatious usual tone. There was no point arguing, the stubbornness of dwarves.

Going behind the divider after peeing you had gotten dressed quickly. "Take your tunic , and pants off, put on the undergarments for when I'm done." Standing still for a moment Kili watched your shadow, opening his mouth to disagree but quickly closing it. He wondered about how you did not even question what was going on.

After it was clear for you to come out, Kili had thought you would laugh, but instead you loosened corset lifting it over his head and over the shift. "Do you want it tight?" Your casual tone, caused Kili to become distracted, your hands gripping the strings waiting.

"I'm sorry, did you say t-tight?" Kili looked at you in the body sized mirror his cheeks pinched pink noticing you holding the corset strings. "Oh, just believable not too tight." Kili's mind was somewhere else. Letting out a dramatic cough at the slightest pull you had decided that was enough, he'd moan for the rest of the day. You hadn't been used to these dresses either , you rarely wore them, only since you had been in Erebor. That was only for special events, today must be one of them.

The petticoat already on him, helping him into the hoop. Keeping his own shoes, you had pulled the final dress layer on him, helping him with his wig no gloves his hands were too big. Okay he had thick arse, muscular chest so he looked like dam. Kili stood before you, dressed in your clothes, he had only stubble , passing as a Darrow dam would not be hard.

"Truly beautiful, Kee." As he spun around in front of the mirror before stopping in front of you, grinning widely. "You think?" Nodding at him, he spun again. "As do you ,my lady." You had scoffed, as you brushed your hair.

"Why did you need me do this?" Dramatically he had turned back to you with his mouth open. "You of course, how else am I supposed to get out of my duties, if everyone can recognise me?" That was very clever for Kili anyways, had he been thinking about this for a while?

“Well, what are you going to do today, Miss?”

“We are going to flirt with old men.”

“What?”

“Come on, we have some mischief to cause.”

That’s how you ended up at a ball, which Thorin was fuming because he could not find his nephew, Fili had told Dis that Kili had went to Dale for Bofur. She did not believe it. A ball without a Prince? Disgraceful.

Whereas he was there, with you. Pretending to be well behaved woman as you ate food and drank. Music playing in the background...wait was that Jareth singing? Yes it was, sorry about that, oh and Freddie Mercury? What? I’m sorry Kenobi too?

Men approaching the both of you, Kili laughing along with their jokes, and slapping them ‘gently’ on their shoulders, one had dropped their glass, rubbing their shoulders when walking away.

It was very embarrassing when both of you were facing the food table when you had been tapped on the shoulder. “Can I have a dance, my lady?” Both of you turning around, at the same time, Fili’s eyes widened when seeing it was you.

“Oh, Y/n, you look absolutely lovely, and who is your friend?” His eyes meeting Kili as he sipped his drink, spitting his drink all over Kili. His eyes travelling up and down his brother in shock and disbelief.

“Kili?!”

“Shh! I am Keanu, of the blue mountains.” Fili had looked back at you covering your face from trying not to cry with laughter, his face reddened snorting out a laugh too.

“This was his idea wasn’t it?” Nodding at the Prince he had bust out with laughter, lifting your hand to his lips pressing a kiss to your knuckles before travelling away, towards Dwalin...

“Would you like to dance, y/n?” It was not strange for woman to dance together, nodding, he had grabbed your hand as the song changed, leading you to the floor. Heroes tune playing , anything is possible.

‘And you, you can be mean.’

‘And I, I’ll drink all the time.’

‘Cause we’re lovers’

The two of you elbows locked as you swung around together, dancing around , Kili had even lifted you above his head like he was Patrick Swayze. You told him you couldn’t do that back. Eventually ended up become tired really fast, your heads in each other’s shoulders, careful Kili’s wif did not fall off.

Swaying together, your eyes locking as smiling at each other, giddy. Kili’s eyes flickered down to your lips for split second before returning to your eyes, trouble is what comes from that smirk.

“You know what would really cause a scene?” Shaking your head slightly, frightened, well not really.

“If we kissed, right now.” Your heart pounding in your chest, he wasn’t seriously surely? His hand reaching to cup your chin, his chestnut eyes glistening in the yarn light.

“What are you are you asking, Kili?” You weren’t sure if he even heard your whisper over the noise of the ball.

“Y/n/n, darling, can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” His lips were upon yours pressing a long peck against your soft lips, before pulling away from them. The cold air hitting your lips from the loss of warmth. Cheeks pink ad you looked at Kili. “You know, I love you, Y/n.”

“Yes, I lov-“ Though your confession was cut short, as several gasps had alerted Thorin and most of the original company, as well as Dis. Who all saw some of what had just happened, yes lesbian relationships did happen in middle earth just not often. Nor were they so public.

“Y/n!” Thorin called you other, your hand intertwined with Kili’s you pulled him with you, towards Thorin, Dis, Fili , and Dwalin. Thorin’s disproving gaze on both of you, jealous not disproving, he longed for a certain small fellow.

“I am sorry to disrupt your night with your date, but for your safety I must advise you do n-“ “ Kili?!” Dis had interrupted her brother, Dwalin had sighed under his breath. Thorins head had snapped to his sister looking around for Kili with no luck. Until, he had followed her eyes, to next you.

“Kili?!” Smirking at his uncle, oh gosh he looked like he was going to have a stroke, how could he not see it, this was like Clark Kent with no glasses just a wig.

“Sorry, this is Keanu, Kili is in Dale at the moment.”

#the hobbit imagine #the hobbit x reader #hobbit imagine #hobbit imagines #the hobbit imagines #lotr imagine #lotr x reader #kili x y/n #kili x you #kili imagines #the hobbit kili #kili imagine #kili the dwarf #kili x reader #the hobbit x y/n #the hobbit oneshot #the hobbit

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creativerogues · 7 years

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100 Player Challenges...

Talk your way out of a bargain with a Fiend.

Become leader of a thieves’ guild.

Negotiate peace between a town and a lizardfolk tribe.

Recover a stolen museum display, then steal it later for yourself.

Track down the kenku spymaster of the thieves’ guild.

Investigate a connection between city guards and a forgotten, nameless cult.

Convince a lich to make a powerful magic item for you.

Break into a noble’s heavily guarded mansion, just because you can.

Fly to a distant land and back again on the back of a roc.

Forge an army of pixies, gnomes and halflings to attack the larger races.

Take a half-orc barbarian to the royal opera.

Join a rebellion you don’t care about for the sake of someone you love.

Convince a group of fire elementals to take a trip to the elemental plane of water.

Bring together lovers separated by their families.

Explain to a mummy why you have a right to enter its tomb...

Fake the assassination of a monarch you despise.

Attend a ball in disguise without the use of magic.

Distract the city watch so a gang fight can occur nearby...

Convince a horde of goblins that you are Maglubiyet in mortal form...

Smuggle a bored prince or princess out of the country.

Spy on and participate in a secret druid ritual.

Pass a message to an inmate in a secure prison.

Retrieve an artifact from the belly of a purple worm.

Lead a group of drow to the surface so they can raid.

Prevent a tyrant from coming to power.

Place a simple commoner on the throne.

Convince a wizard that his or her magic has stopped working.

Track down a mortally wounded ranger’s dead animal companion to bury with them.

Peacefully get a wing of gargoyles to leave a castle.

Infiltrate and expose a were-rat den that the city guards don’t believe exists.

Tame Thunderhoof, prince of the centaurs.

Start a thieves’ guild to compete with an existing one.

Wrangle a panicking owlbear out of a crowded city.

Reunite a half-orc with the parent who didn’t raise them.

Convince dwarf miners to unearth an ancient creature of devastation.

Kill a sorcerer before they can cast a single spell.

Ambush the tax shipment of an evil empire.

Convert a cleric to a different faith and domain.

Break a popular rebel out of prison.

Find the answer to a question said to be impossible to discern.

Make a false claim to the imperial throne.

Convince rival gangs to join together to form a larger thieves’ guild.

Convince a slaver to free a valuable captive.

Free a condemned prisoner from the gallows, in the midst of a mass hanging.

Capture a tyrannosaurus for a wealthy city zoo.

Bring a militant druid into the largest city.

Perpetrate a con on a devil, raksasha, or yugoloth.

Defeat an elf in an archery contest by cheating.

Reveal the doppelganger hiding in the city senate.

Ride a wild and untamed chromatic dragon into the center of the continent’s largest city.

Escape a deserted island.

Jump from an airship in mid-flight, with no way of a safe landing...

Convince a paladin to keep an illegal or immoral secret.

Stop a group of city leaders from opening a portal to the Far Realm.

Purchase a cloud giant’s flying castle without gold, gems, or magic items.

Become the leader of an assassins’ guild by assassinating the lead assassin.

Befriend a tarrasque.

Convince a red dragon to give up a piece of its hoard.

Learn the location of a lost vault from a greedy ghost.

Deliver a love letter from a surface dweller to a drow in a subterranean city.

Compel a reluctant cleric to return a lost friend to life.

Sing an insulting song about the king to his face—and live to tell about it.

Raise funds from a gold dragon to start a thieves’ guild.

Break into the royal bedroom of the queen or princess, and plant a letter, offering her a job at a local brothel.

Convince a dragon turtle that the water it swims in is poisonous.

Uncover who is sending death threats to a hated public official.

Bargain for passage through a dragon’s domain.

Kidnap a wizard’s familiar and hold it for ransom.

Take a mistakenly teleported merfolk back to a distant ocean in less than a day.

Convince a barbarian that they are really a sorcerer who can cast powerful spells.

Insult an entire army of orcs...

Stop a vigilante from killing thieves’ guild members.

“Borrow” a hag’s eye from a coven of hags.

Expose the beloved mayor as an evil cultist slowly poisoning the populace.

Compel a planetar and a pit fiend to work together against a legion of demons.

Join a temple of faith, in order to spy on another temple.

Track the source of a crime spree back to an archfey.

Put a weak and dying wizard on the throne of a barbarian kingdom and keep them there.

Join an order of wizards, without being able to cast spells.

Disguise a wealthy merchant as a beggar, to let them watch customers in the market.

Convince deep gnomes, drow, and duergar to co-operate in opening the lost Vault Beneath the Mountain.

Infiltrate a drow city to assassinate a svirfneblin traitor.

“Accidentally” cause the death of a world-renowned mage.

Forge a strike force of half-elves who report directly to you, their new king.

Convince a treant to leave the forest it has occupied for centuries.

Destroy a thieves’ guild.

Win a fighting tournament using a weapon you’re not proficient with.

Assassinate an imprisoned assassin. Make it look like it’s not a murder.

Hug, kiss and then kill a well-loved noble.

Hunt down a thief and bring him to a wizards’ guild for justice.

Steal the sacred scrolls of a clan of ninjas.

Smuggle a vampire into a city in broad daylight, without using stealth or magic.

Use your soul as a bargaining chip in a deal with a devil.

Broker a peace agreement between dwarves and orcs, then immediately break that agreement.

Explore the burial city of the elvish royals.

Convince a githyanki and a githzerai that they are destined to be married.

Back out of a bargain with a powerful crime syndicate—and survive.

Bring a choir of harpies to sing at a bards’ college.

Persuade a red dragon to become a dracolich.

Convince a devil to break its own contract.

#dungeons and dragons #dungeons & dragons #dnd #dnd 5e #dnd 3.5 #community #comments #communitymade #communityresponse #CreativeRogues

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notallbards · 7 years

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Character List

Brief descriptions of my characters that are available to interact with until I have full bios set up for them.

Halyie -- Half-Elf Bard

Bastard child from a royal family who only acknowledged her because they were forced to. She couldn’t wait to get away from them, but what she knows could ruin the family name, so they’re desperate to get her home.

Kalliope -- Tiefling Bard

If you ask her, she’s a (possibly illegitimate, depending on the day) princess from a far off kingdom, who ran away from her disapproving family to be free. It’s an easy story to believe, with her ostentatious clothing and flamboyant personality. In reality, she’s a nobody from the slums who’s determined to never let anyone tell her who she is, or who she isn’t, ever again.

Thava “Spitfire” Delmirev -- Dragonborn Bard

Just your average, run of the mill, rockstar. She’s part of a band called “Monster Girlz” with Tash (a Half-Orc gorl) Kalliope (a Tiefling girl) and Arietta (a Goblin gal)--Or, she was anyway. She ended up ditching them and going solo because she felt under appreciated as an artist. Her only goal now is to make it to the top.

Lilaea Pelagia -- Naiad Water Elementalist, former gladiator

Kidnapped and sold into slavery as a young child, Lilaea hasn’t had the best life. She eventually ended up in the gladiator ring, and became one of the deadliest fighters there. But those skills came at a great price, and she’s not eager to use them again any time soon.

Vela -- Half-Orc Paladin

Vela is by far the stupidest Paladin you’ll ever meet (She has a 7 for intelligence). She doesn’t remember anything before waking up with a god’s holy symbol in her hand, and the words “be the light you wish to see” echoing in her ears. She believes she was handpicked by her god (tho the name of the deity changes each time she’s asked) to be a beacon of hope and a hero to all.

Abilene Jones -- The best damn sharpshooter this side of the world, and a human to boot.

She’s specifically created for the world of Tal'Dorei. Following the events of Vox Machina, Orthax sought out a way to seek revenge on the party, through some mortal they would never see coming. His choice? Abilene Jones, a woman famous in her hometown for her sharpshooting abilities--with a bow, of course. He offered her the power to do so much more, if she would only kill 7 people (the VM players) for him? Of course she accepted. And thus began her career as a performing sharpshooter (think Annie Get Your Gun). However, it was cut painfully short when she accidentally killed her lover in trick gone wrong. She hung up her guns and retired to the middle of nowhere on a farm, very similar to the one she grew up on. You best be careful if you’re trespassing on her land.

Nadya -- Shadar-Kai bard

She’s an adrenaline junkie who thinks that adrenaline highs are an okay substitute for real emotions, which she doesn’t seem to feel very often. She is the personification of “I’m dead inside” jokes. But, ironically enough, she is greatly against Necromancy--as all followers of the Raven Queen are.

#ooc #thava tag #halyie tag #kalliope tag #lilaea tag #vela tag #abilene tag #nadya tag #character list #dnd rp #dnd roleplay #fantasy rp #fantasy roleplay #crit role rp #crit role roleplay #taz rp #taz roleplay

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gyromitra-esculenta · 7 years

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The Edgiest Fairytale 2

this one is Frankenstein's monster type of thing, but i still like those little shits. It’s mostly on here in bits and pieces

At eleven years of age, Gabriel was everything a young prince should be, and much, much more. He was well-mannered although a tad overdramatic – but this particular quirk had followed him through childhood and wasn’t entirely unwelcome. After all, every prince should know his way around a proper soliloquy, even if it were only to woo his prospective princess.

Gabriel has also shown a strong interest in theater and poetry, warranting many a performance staged before the court, starting from a monthly thing, then escalating to biweekly, and finally - to the utmost terror of the courtiers - to weekly shows. When his repertoire grew to include, of all things, interpretative dance, the frequency of staged performances was forcibly cut down again to a monthly schedule to the silent relief of all involved.

Gabriel also did care about the animals, so much in fact that some of the ravens nesting over the former nursery gave up their ability of flight and waddled around on the ground, too heavy to fly more than a few meters in one go.

The Queen herself was also slightly skeptical over his choice in reading material, which mostly included romances, tutorials on black magic and hexing handbooks. Why couldn’t he develop a stronger inclination towards necromancy, for example, as was a longlived family tradition? The King assured her it was certainly merely a phase.

Gabriel also was ‘not going to marry no girl’. Certainly, the Toad Incident had no bearing on that little pronouncement.

At the tender age of eleven, Jack was a little shit everyone expected him to be.

The first time Gabriel had disappeared was just after his twelfth birthday and it was absolutely not connected to the fact he did not get that pony he wanted so much – the Queen decisively said no to any horse with eternal flames around its hooves. He ran away from home but came back two days later because in true ‘youthful rebellion spirit’ fashion he had forgone any provisions.

He brought back a puppy he promptly named Ripper. No-one had the heart to take it away even when the puppy turned out to be a hellhound leaving scorched and burned-out marks in the carpet or on the furniture every time Gabriel had forgotten to walk it outside. Some semblance of peace and relative quiet was unquestionably worth suffering a faint aroma of sulfur in the air.

The first time Jack had disappeared was just after his twelfth birthday and was in no way connected to the fact he did get that stallion he was promised. He returned a week later with a bag of jewelry, a minotaur head as a trophy, and a very confused scantily-clad voluptuous blonde in front of his saddle.

Said blonde murmured: ‘it seemed like a good idea at the time’, then asked for directions and went back home.

Jack was grounded for the following month – incidentally, two wyvern attacks and a giant rat invasion happened in the meantime. The next time he got grounded (which included a peace envoy from remote orc tribe begging for a ceasefire), there was a snake population explosion and the castle’s rafters got infested with dire bats.

“Prince Charming curse,” the royal astrologers agreed.

After the Queen wanted to take her bath and accidentally dipped herself in black slime which started breeding in the piping, her and the King reached a strained consensus: let the prince do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and preferably outside the city, so the curse finds other outlets. The prince was virtually immortal, anyway.

When ravens had left the roof over ‘the nursery-turned-Gabriel’s private chambers’ (pronounced ‘Hell’ by a garish wooden plaque carved with a kitchen knife with added ‘No trespassing’ below and ‘Specially no girls allowed!’ nailed almost on the ground level - the servants, on the other hand, took to calling the place ‘The pit of disrepair and dirty underclothes’), it was a definite relief.

Until the moment it became painfully apparent the ravens left because the roof had been taken up by a mated pair of wyverns.

Gabriel reveled in the development – everyone else lived in fear of sleepless nights due to wyverns serenading each other and getting hit with the excrement when they did take to the skies occasionally (the Duchess still cried when she had to venture outside). The chicks took liking to chasing the courtiers down and then nipping at their calves.

“It’s a Fairytale Princess syndrome,” the royal medic had explained while nodding mournfully. “A very rare variant of the affliction. We call it Dark Princess.”

“What are we supposed to do!?” The Queen hyperventilated.

“It’s best to let it run its course, it usually fades in the forties, or after the marriage.”

When it came to light that certain encroaching fauna did follow Gabriel around, his solitary trips into the forests were… slightly encouraged. After few months, the prince managed to haul half of his belongings into rundown shack in the middle of the woods and spent there most of the time not taken up by his lessons or other interests.

Magic, as usual, found a way to slot everything into place, and screw up all and any contingency plans that were already in place, so the fact that both princes somehow managed to wander into each other’s presence should not surprise anyone.

Thirteen years old Gabriel detested interlopers, especially the ones that had no appreciation for his art, just like the blonde that apparently had ripped a bone off his scarecrow and was now throwing it for Ripper to retrieve. The traitorous dog brought it to him and then rolled onto its back, showing its belly, and expecting scratches from the total stranger.

“Who’s a good doggie!” The blonde cooed while obliging, not minding the puff of fire the hellhound exhaled excitedly. “You’re a good doggie! Yes, yes, you!”

So Gabriel decided to scare him off like all the others.

“Who dares to intrude on Death’s domain!” He did his best voice and cape flourish. The blonde looked up and his face scrunched up in obvious displeasure.

“This is really disappointing.” Clearly, this was not a reaction Gabriel was gunning for.

“What?”

“I was expecting some kind of demon, or at least a witch, after all the stories I’ve heard.” To add insult to injury, the blonde had not stopped petting Ripper in the meantime.

“I am Death incarnate and I will devour your soul!”

“And you’re just some kid in a lame costume.”

“No, I’m not! I’m a demon!”

“Sure. That’s why the stitching on the sleeve is coming apart?”

“Uh… no?”

“And why you have human hands?”

“Um…”

“And why is your mask just flat? It doesn’t even cover your entire face.”

“I…”

“So,” the blonde got up and Ripper, being the stinking turncoat it was, whined loudly, “see you ‘round.”

Gabriel stared at the other boy that had the damn audacity to wave at him before disappearing behind the line of trees.

And that was the whole story of how Gabriel took up crafts – because he was going to show that blonde buffoon!

#sometimes i write #r76 #edgiestfairytale!au #reaper76 #crack it's crack #i don't even care anymore #they are completely incompatibile

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nemossubmarine · 7 years

Text

Knights of the Night Sky 13

An abandoned temple awaits us with all of its adventures. It’s time for some fresh air, as our heroes head to the Wilds in the north!

First though we have to find out what our heroes have been up to in the several days they spent at Summer’s Pass.

Knights of Pholtus offer their reward to our heroes for the solving of the princess’ murder: Kendrick gets promoted to a lieutenant, and the other three receive Favors of Pholtus, silver disks that upon breaking will grant some kind of assistance from the god.

Kendrick is rarely seen during their stay at Summer’s Pass, as he has plenty of friends and neighbors to visit. He makes sure to spend time with his brother too.

Jeff and Queen-Consort Fidela talk about Goldbottom cuisine, and Jeff even makes some hamburgers to the royal family.

Lutharin spends his time meditating about a divination he received from the Queen. And also being bothered by young Princess Lacey, who is curious about the stranger.

Based on their time together Princess Lacey apparently decides to become a monk.

Dophina in turn spends her time with Prince Floyd, who shows her around town.

Before leaving the four of them meet up with Gabriel of Violet Hill, Joan’s son and Jass’ father, who is curious about why they had asked Jass about his family.

Dophina and Jeff awkwardly excuse themselves from the conversation and Kendrick throws the ball to poor Lutharin, who asks him a bit about his family roots.

Kendrick also agrees to take Jass as his apprentice once he’s done with his quest, which Gabriel is very happy to hear.

Our folks stack up on some warm clothes and potions and are on their way.

There’s some time to organize the knights while on the sea. There are several people who’d like to join (3 of Joan’s agents and 2 Mairin’s friends). All are accepted.

Some promoting also takes place, as the only proper knights were Lir (lieutenant), Mairin (a knight) and Joan (apprentice).

Lir is promoted to Senior Commander, bc he’s the most experienced. He’ll be staying at the HQ and training new recruits.

Mairin is promoted to Field Commander, bc she can go along with parties into the world, and deal with things on the field.

Joan is just a commander, and she is working with her agents in recruiting new people.

The three new people a human rogue “Tic”, a forest gnome druid Pumpern and a forest elf barbarian Kadar are sent to Fall Creek to look for a wolpertinger Dophina learned was there.

Dophina wants some companions to Rupert, but also they have reason to suspect that the wild magic in Bard’s necklace created the wolpertingers.

The group arrives to the WIlds and meet up with one of their agents, an orc shepherd named Wilda who herds jumping goats.

She takes them to the mountain where the temple is, and waits below as the group checks it out.

Dophina goes first of the group, since she is an experienced traveler. She notices that some bipedal beings seem to have been moving in the road to the temple, but can’t be sure when this happened.

They get to the temple, and upon searching the first room, Dophina spots more feet marks and a ring that turns invisible when she puts it on.

They continue deeper into the temple, and Dophina trips upon a tripwire in a hallway.

The hallway leads to the main room of the temple, and upon getting there, our heroes find a camp with hairy creatures doing their best (but mostly failing) to hide.

Lutharin recognizes the creatures as bugbears, which are a type of goblinoid.

Our heroes are approached by the leader of the group, who communicates with broken common that this is his family’s home and that he doesn’t want our heroes to hurt them.

Our heroes leave their weapons behind and move on; Lutharin going first, because he is apparently allergic to bugbears.

They cross a bridge over the main room and go deeper in.

The next room of notice is a room with the walls covered in pictures. There’s definitely some text and some humanoid figures, but large chunks of the paintings have just disappeared as if by magic, leaving behind nothing but white walls.

This room leads outside to another climb up.

When they start climbing up, Dophina suddenly collapses, and she complains about feeling heavy and something pulling her down.

Lutharin catches her, and there’s something very wrong with Lutharin too, as he is feeling very very lively.

Kendrick who is detecting magic can see a golden aura around him, and also the Void necklace pulling Dophina.

Dophina’s symptoms ease as Lutharin touches her and cease as soon as they get to the first platform along the climb.

The first platform has a tree on it, and on the tree is the symbol of Fharlanghn, Jeff’s god.

They climb towards the second platform and now it’s Kendrick’s turn. He can see some cairns up on the next platform and he can feel the bones below the rocks calling up on him.

On the platform Dophina examines the stones and concludes that these must be the graves of the four knights that came with Bard on this expedition.

There is one more climb, which ends on a room in a platform.

Kendrick can’t take the pull of the skeletons and falls to his knees. Lutharin, very excited and energetic still, helps him up.

The room, the inner sanctum of the temple is a simple room, with an empty stone pool in the floor in the middle and a glass ceiling.

Lutharin starts straight for the pool, his fingers finding the necklace.

The others stop him, but as there doesn’t seem to anything magical in the room, they let him do what he thinks he should.

Lutharin raises the necklace towards the sun, and before their very eyes one of the holes in the sun fixes itself. There’s also an audible crack from Lutharin’s necklace.

It hasn’t broken, but the magic in it feels more concentrated.

Our heroes decide to use the Diviner’s Stone that they got from the Queen on the graves.

They witness Bard burying the knights and then he suddenly addresses the empty air in front of him.

A cloaked figure, one of those maggot people appears and they have a conversation, in which the figure asks Bard to give up and Bard replies that there is still hope, and that the figure hasn’t completed their job.

The figure replies that there’s no hope for Bard, because “it burns you”.

Bard says that he will “call the sun by name and burn”.

The figure says that Bard’s actions will bring chaos to world, and Bard replies that he’ll bring truth.

There’s a lot to mull over, and as they do, they return to the bugbears. Kendrick entertains them with a lovely folksong. Dophina plays something they hate accidentally (or maybe they just hate ukuleles?) and so she and Lutharin go search the collapsed rooms they hadn’t checked before.

Lutharin finds a potion with Fharlanghn’s symbol on it, but Jeff can’t figure what it is.

Oh yeah, and they recruit the bugbears to the knights. Whole family. 6 adults, 4 kids and one elder. They’ll get Wilda to bring them to an Underdark entrance and Lir will pick them up.

Can’t wait for Ser Aaaaaaarrgh and others.

That’s all for now. Next time our heroes will try to find orcs that can tell them a bit more about the binding spells on the necklaces, which is especially important now that Lutharin has cracked his.

#nemo roleplays #long post #knights of the night sky #arc: sun #i almost got fharlanghn's name right on first try :O #one day i will

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