#a part of me wants to keep going deeper into this relapse to truly show him why he shouldnt fucking say things like that

[tears-exe]

Vent in tag

Tw guilt tripping, anorexia eating disorder, sh, more guilt

[halinski]

I have a lot of feelings about Buck, like don't even ask, I will never be able to put it into words or anything other than abstract feelings in this world

I just know this, Eddie loves Buck and Buck is ace and Taylor is a relapse ✌️

"You've been shutting me out."

It's ironic, Eddie thinks, that these exact words come now 20 minutes after the black out, which felt like maybe the world had shut down. They were stuck mid rescue in an elevator and well, the world had been such a whirlwind since he'd been shot, and this emergency and that- but now it had stopped. And they'd succumbed to their fate, sat down on the dingy elevator floor, bathed in a red back up light, the building silent around them. Out there, somewhere, a siren rang, and Buck sighed.

It was deep and heavy, like he was Atlas lifting the world off his shoulders for a break, something like relief, like that first deep shuddering breath when your lungs finally recovered from a run. It was way too heavy for a young man, barely thirty, who was finding himself. Eddie knew that Buck had been fighting lately. Mostly himself, but also his parents and past, and pushing past the boundaries of life that had been set around him. Then there was the shooting and Buck had truly been nerve-wrecked, Eddie was far from blind, and hell, he'd been a little preoccupied with figuring himself out, and recovering, letting go and paving the way for a future with no regrets- but he'd seen Buck. It was harder to look away at this point.

But he had, because the world had been spinning and Buck had been putting enough pressure on himself, becoming an uncle, and taking care of Chris with full abandon, and therapy and... Taylor. Eddie hadn't wanted to push too hard.

Now that they were here though, just the two of them...

Buck's looking at him, that irritated lost puppy stare, vulnerable and defiant all at once, like Eddie was the first to venture into certain spaces that made up Evan Buckley. It was a deliberant choice, at this point. Back in the beginning, he'd just reached out a hand and had been surprised to find an anchor to the world he'd never knew existed, and now he ventured further deliberately.

It hadn't been a question, and even so Buck looked ready to fight him, a last defensive wall, before he caved and those murky blue eyes dropped away. Full submission.

Eddie waited, opening up the room and hoping for his partner in crime and rescue to fill it and yet... Buck only shrugged weakly.

"Things have been..." He started half-heartedly, losing motivation half-way through and concluding with a disheartened, "busy." Eddie watched him busy himself with the callouses on his palm, picking and rubbing, as if he could erase the last few weeks of running himself ragged.

There had definitely been a lot less mentions of calls to Dr. Copeland lately, a lot of unfocused Buck, who was making himself smaller, less noticeable and quieter. Not that he was actually quiet, Eddie knew Buck could fill the building with vibrance for the benefit of everyone around within the blink of an eye. But his true emotions dwindled, where they'd slipped out before in shadows of an action, or an obvious plea hidden in drowning eyes - now he was more... Calculated.

And even now, Buck lifted his head again under Eddie's scrutiny in square-jawed surrender as if that was that to this conversation, there was nothing more to be done.

Eddie was not convinced. They'd gotten way too far, the two of them, to slip back down to the trenches in this mud slide. Eddie had found solid footing in his own world, and he was unafraid right here, under private eyes with the one person in the world he trusted most. Solid enough that he could stare right back at the nervous energy Buck was holding back and dare it.

What are you so afraid?

A question he had asked himself many sleepless nights, especially after Carla's little "follow your heart" speech, after he'd laid in bed, heart racing, hearing shots and all he wanted had been to-

All he'd wanted was safety, and he could've kept lying to himself, could've deliriously shouted at the universe that he didn't know where he could ever feel safe again, and yet his own body and heart had long gone betrayed him that day in the hospital just before he'd walked out, explicitly stating that he had signed his heart off to Buck a year ago. He couldn't even call it betrayal, because there wasn't a single cell in his body that doubted his decision, that doubted Buck. He just doubted... Himself.

And maybe that he'd be enough for Buck right now, still. He was so far from his best self, and yet better and more stable than he'd ever been. So he sat and he stared back, arms resting easily in his lap, and challenged.

"Why do you keep going back to her?"

Goddammit, Eddie, way to sound like the most jealous jerk in the world.

Buck winced, eyebrows seeming to ask 'really?' and 'what do you mean?' all at the same time and then shrugging again.

"Taylor?" He asked simply, biding time probably.

"Yeah," Eddie assured, the hum of the emergency light their only company as he waited for Buck to reply.

"She's the only one who really wants me," he said, but the tone of his voice wasn't right. Unconvinced. The admission to easily offered to ring true.

Eddie can't stop the snort of disbelief from escaping him. From all that he's heard about the rust-haired reporter... He couldn't imagine what Buck saw in her. He'd seen the effect of her words on him, saw Buck fall in line behind her with a bowed head, saw how the hurt now flared in Buck's face at his open faced challenge to that statement.

A part of Eddie wanted to grab Buck by the face and scream at him, can't you see?!

You're wanted whole-heartedly by me.

But Buck wasn't his to love yet, not really.

"Look, I don't know what you see on the outside but... She wants me. She chose me and I- what more could I ask for, you know? I'm... I'm working on it. On myself. And for now- this is it," Buck said, rattling it down like he was trying to work it into a checklist.

Eddie just wanted to know what 'it' was supposed to mean. But he nodded, because in a way it did make sense. The same way Ana had made sense, even though she absolutely didn't and he was glad that was over and he could laugh over that foolish affair now.

People had questioned his change of heart when he broke up with her during recovery, but when they'd realized he truly wasn't heartbroken and backsliding, they had taken it in full stride. A little misstep, no great scars taken (well except for the new bullet hole in his shoulder but that didn't really have anything to do with Ana, it just happened to be a part of the same journey heading toward a joined destination) and here they were at a pit stop.

The silence simmered between them, just somewhere right before the cliff, staggering before the precipice toward their comfort zone. It had always taken a little leap from both sides to get them to where they were today. Buck usually happens to fall into his without thinking much, just because he was ready to throw himself in dangers way or alternatively, rushing in out of sense of duty, and making it seem so, so very easy. The way he had walked into Eddie's house and kitchen, stepped right into his space and said: 'i'm here and I'm owning my mistakes because you're worth it' or something of the sort. All Eddie remembered was the care and the genuine emotion he'd felt and... The realization that he'd finally found home.

"It just feels like... You smile less when it comes to her." Eddie still did't really want to say her name. He wasn't about to go out blaming Taylor for all the times Buck was sad- it was just an observation. It took a lot to get Buck to giving up his smile. He hated that Taylor accepted a watered down version of him; bright, bold, and boasting Buck.

"Do I?" Buck asked, a furrowed crease appearing between his eyebrows, truly confused.

Eddie nodded.

"Relationships are always a compromise," Buck offered with a half-hearted twitch of his shoulder. "You know me. We're both pretty stubborn. We butt heads."

Buck flicked his wrist for a useless gaze at his watch. It made them none the wiser about the state of their rescue.

"Yeah, I know you," Eddie retorted gently. "Though, you do tend to have a point."

He could come up with a million examples. Eager, always ready to show up and make it work, Buck. How many times had he burrowed himself into Eddie's skin already with truths that stuck like thorns until Eddie accepted them into his bones.

All he wanted was to return the favor

The man granted him a small, crooked smile. It was crazy how much so little could mean to one person. Desperate, wounded, isolated Buck.

How Eddie wanted to tell him explicitly 'dont do what I did, kid, don't fall back into and habits at first chance just because you don't think you're worth anything else'- there were reasons why it didn't work in the first place. He'd learned the exact same lesson with Shannon. And God, the way Eddie had dragged Buck with him back then, for safety, as he had ranted to him and searched for the answers, only to make the same damn mistake.

That wasn't his life.

And Taylor wasn't Buck's. And Eddie knew this.

Knew from what Buck had told about her the first time she had been around, and from all that Eddie had heard about Buck's relationship to sex. It had turned into a joke at the station, oh, Buck and his self-diagnosed sex addiction, but Eddie recognized that worried little steeple on Bobby's forehead when he reminded everyone that that one therapist wasn't licensed to work for them anymore. But it went way deeper, didn't it?

Eddie knew about self-destructive behaviors. Not intimately. But he'd learned a lot about PTSD lately and adjacent behaviors. Buck and sex was a self-destructive bomb if he'd ever seen one.

And it was no coincidence that Taylor and Buck's relationship centered around physical intimacy.

Buck showed up where he was wanted or needed. They all knew that.

"Just... Make sure you get what you want too," Eddie said. "Put yourself first."

Cue the bewildered, insecure facial expression. Now and then Eddie wished he could hide Buck from the world. Shield him. For now all he could do was stand by.

"Because you'll always be wanted. Make sure the reasons are right for you. It has to be good for you."

And Eddie wouldn't be leaning so far out the window if Buck were to look him in the eyes and say 'nah it's not like that' but all he did was get quiet. Eddie couldn't leave him sitting like that, rearranging himself to stretch his legs out before they fell asleep and casually leaning his shoulder against Buck's.

"You're a good guy, Buck. You deserve only the best.

If you wanted Buck to hear you sometimes you had to get straight to the point.

Maybe one day Eddie could conquer his fear and say what he really wanted to say.

When they were both ready.

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #35)

(cw: discussion of addiction) ----------

01/23/88   4:02 PM

Hey.

So. I’d admitted that I was an addict. 

Which was, as I’d realize in the days after, not just a sentence you could say and be over with. It was an admission to so many things, many of which I’d been trying so hard not to believe over the course of my addiction. That it really was that bad. That it wouldn’t just go away with time. That I could not stop of my own free will. That I couldn’t fix myself alone.

That counselling really was my one chance at beating this thing for good. 

Which, in itself, was a scary thought. If it was my last chance, I could not screw it up. And I’ve always loved screwing things up. It’s so, so important that I get this thing right, and it’s been really hard at points to picture myself doing that. Even as early as the second step, I felt doomed to fail.

The second step, of course, is Hope. 

Hope that a higher power could save us from ourselves.

Yeah. It’s not that I don’t believe in the Devs. I do, unfortunately. It’s just that I’ve always believed they’re fickle dickwads who don’t give a crit about any of us. They’ve only ever been a source of pain for me. Honestly, I outright hate the Devs. So being faced with this idea that if I didn’t find faith, I could not complete this extremely important counselling, I was understandably more than a little stressed. I didn’t get why that had to be part of the deal. So many of the steps are built around this faith. It’s integral. I had to beg the question: Do only Devout deserve saving?

Fix-it’s response to my spirited rants was to suggest that it did not necessarily have to be the Devs, just a higher power. Something bigger than him or me, some deeper meaning to life, something I truly believed in. Like he, himself, while he is a practicing Devout, places more importance on ‘duty’ than anything else. ‘Duty’ informs his actions, ‘duty’ colors his lens of the world. I probably don’t need to tell you the jokes I made out of that. He didn’t seem to get it.

That widened things up, I’ll give him that. But it widened them too much. I could either pick the Devs, or pull something out of my ass and make a religion out of it. The latter sounds like something I’d only enjoy doing while high, for cuss’ sake. I’ve never been too big on philosophies in general. Partying hard had always been enough of a philosophy for me, but then I went and partied too damn hard and wound up the mess that I was. A junkie with no rhyme or reason.

Step two was looking even more depressing than expected.

On the night before my third session, Fix-it brought out a surprise that he thought might help me relax or cheer up or what have you. He laid down a tarp, a few blank canvases, and gave me an assortment of tubes of paint and scraggly, used brushes. I was a little taken aback. I so rarely use normal, boring, non-magical paint. I was worried that using it would just make me feel worse about my brush still being on the fritz, but I was drawn to the naked canvases anyway. Fix-it sat at the table and watched as if he had put down food for a feral raccoon and wanted to give it space. Having him watch may have bothered me at one point in time, but he had done a genuinely pretty cool thing for me. I’d deal.

And let’s be real -- I am a feral raccoon.

It didn’t take me long to decide what to paint. The one thing that had been consistently on my mind: Revenge on Worluk. All in various gruesome ways. In one painting, I’d ripped her throat out with my teeth. In another, I crushed her with a giant fly swatter. The last one, which was my favorite, showed her dismembered and built into a chair that I was sitting on.

Fix-it said they were all beautiful, and they’d look so good on the shelf in the broom closet. I argued for a place in the kitchen, but no, he insisted that they’d look better in the closet.

As I worked, as I painted the gnarly details on that bug’s face, I couldn’t help but wonder what she had done for step two. What was her higher power? What could she possibly turn to for peace after what she had done to me? The Devs? Duty? Or are there just some things you can never make peace with? That is, if she even felt remorse for it at all. I couldn’t imagine a remorseful pixel in her body.

And then that led to me thinking, of course… What about me? What could ever really bring me peace? I knew for sure that I felt remorse. I definitely wished I had not gone down the path I did over the course of… well, ever since you left. I’d seen and done some really awful things. There was Tapper, there was that poor sap I threatened for a hit of GC, there was… everyone else I’d come in contact with, really. My actions had taken a darker turn than I’d ever gone down before, even in my past pits of depression. My mind was so haunted by then, I didn’t recognize it anymore. Relentless, nightmarish thoughts plagued me all the time. Trauma, guilt, hopelessness, existential questions without answers. Your death, and the blame I placed on myself. My Dev-given, meaningless lot in life. Hatred from what felt like the entire arcade over a crime I didn’t commit, enough to nearly get me killed. All this weighed down on me. It had trapped me. And the only escape I could ever see was in buffs. The thing that I felt the most fondness for, the thing that I had come to long for above all else, was a mind-numbing high. Buffs could save me from my mind, even if they ended up killing it in the process. 

That was my argument in favor of the addiction.

I had to find something, anything, that would bring a counter-argument strong enough to hold up. My guilt for hurting Tapper, while it was very deep and genuine, would only have so many legs to stand on. I even remembered my weird, buff-induced conversation with the river, wherein I realized I owed my own survival to you… and to myself. That had been a groundbreaking epiphany at the time. But it was not enough. I knew that.  Because I remembered what it felt like to be in the thick of my addiction, and I remembered how no one around me mattered anymore. Nothing I owed to anyone else would make a difference to me if I relapsed and fell back into that state of mind. Neither would anything I owed myself, certainly, not with my self-preservation offline. And in the face of all those facts... I was scared.

I didn’t feel safe. I felt like the floor beneath me could have broken at any moment, and I’d lose control again. I needed something to hold onto that could actually bear my weight, because I had become quite heavily burdened. But I had no idea what that thing could be.

It was so frustrating, nearly enough to bring me to tears as I painted. I kept remembering what Wreck-it told me when we fought, about how I didn’t actually want to get better, how I just wanted to keep using everybody, so there was no use helping me. That in particular stuck with me. I didn’t understand why at first. Maybe that was true when he said it. But it wasn’t anymore. 

I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I didn’t want to be a plague on everyone around me, not really. I wanted to get better. But the means to do so felt like a cruel puzzle I couldn’t solve. Like a battle I had already lost.

Fix-it went to bed, but I stayed up into the night painting and pondering. Even after I was done, I took one of the paintings and began slowly and idly covering it with lazy patches of color. I did some serious soul-searching that night. I tried to harness whatever it was that drove me as a living being. Whatever it was, it must have been old. Older than my knowledge of the Devs, even. I tried to cast my mind back to my very first days and remember what inspired me then, before the Devs’ gospel tainted my life. But I couldn’t come up with anything substantial. Fun, mischief, laughter, all very important things, but no solid foundations for philosophies. Philosophies that could keep me away from substances, mind you.

It seemed hopeless. But I tried to relax with my painting. I took deep breaths and let the color flow, creating no image in particular. Just beautiful, abstract motions that felt self-soothing in the cleanest way I had attempted in a while. It really did feel great to have access to a full spectrum of color again, even if it was real, physical paint and not magical like mine. I so deeply missed having full functionality of my tools. All that time without it, I’d felt like I was hobbling around with a missing limb. I need my color. It’s just embedded in who I am. Always has been.

My very first coherent thoughts after being plugged in were about the color pulsing inside my code.

I froze.

Was that it?

Could that even work?

The force bigger than me, the deeper meaning to life, the one thing that had been with me since the very first second I remember entering consciousness… well, that was color. I see it and feel it in all things, and always have. It inspires me. It does guide my actions, in a sense. 

But color? It felt too obvious, almost. It was one of the most important things in the world to me. But could I really pull a philosophy out of it?

I felt cold, but not in a bad way -- more like a refreshing breeze on a sweaty day. But that breeze also felt hundreds of miles high, with me suspended on this one new idea that I had to strengthen before it could break. What if there was something even bigger than the Devs? Something that ignored games, roles, class, age, gender? Something that, if I played my cards right, could free me from the life I felt trapped in?

Something strong enough to weaponize against the Devs’ presence in my mind?

Even kill it for good?

I remember bursting into Fix-it’s room and scaring the bits out of him. I leapt onto his bed and stained the blanket with my paint-splattered hands.

“Color,” I said firmly.

Fix-it stammered, reaching to turn on the lamp. “Wha-- Wha-- What’s-- Mavy?”

“Color,” I repeated. “That’s my higher power. I think. The thing I believe in? I think it might be color.”

He was quiet for a second, his hands raised cautiously, his mouth open in hesitation to speak. “Mavy-- Mavy, settle down, now--” he said, not really registering my relatively controlled demeanor after my very aggressive entrance.

“Don’t tell me to settle down,” I told him. For some reason, I was shaking with adrenaline. I was so unsure. I wanted to be right, but I barely felt like I had an idea.

“Oh, it’s-- It’s just that last time you started goin’ on about color, you went and stabbed your hand with a fork, so, I just wanna make sure you’re not gonna--”

“Oh...” I said, the memories blowing up in my brain. “The kaleidoscope. In my dreams-- trips-- whatever-- the kaleidoscope… Me becoming color…”

I held my sticky wet glove to my forehead, my mind connecting more and more wires. Every thought and memory coming into my head was telling me that I was right. I stared past Fix-it, feeling my heart pound. “That can’t be a coincidence. There’s no way. That all has to mean something, right?”

“C-Color?” 

“Yes!” I jabbed him in the shoulder, at which he groaned in pain. “That’s it! My stupid higher power homework. I think I’ve got it!”

I heard him give vague and confused murmurs of encouragement as he sank back down to the pillows. “That’s great, Mavy, that’s wonderful… I’m so… so happy for you...” And he was out like a light, even with the light still on.

Whatever, I thought. Maybe he didn’t understand, but I… sort of did. That was what mattered.

The following night, though, I’d have to put that thought to the test. I went into my third session of counselling with a nervous sweat. I would have to explain my revelation to the group in words, when so much of it was just… how I felt. I’d been running through my speech again and again up until the moment I sat in that circle of chairs, and as I did, I began to doubt myself more and more. I don’t know anything about making solid philosophies, or if what I made could even be considered a philosophy. Maybe my idea was actually garbage, and they wouldn’t accept it. It was so vague. I hadn’t even worked out all the kinks in it yet. I just hoped I would understand it more as I said it out loud.

Stage fright has never been a problem for me. I’m a born performer. But this was not a performance. This was real life. I had trouble opening up like that even to you, and now here I was in a room with sprites I barely knew, including one who tried to kill me. I definitely didn’t like the idea of showing vulnerability in front of her. I didn’t want her to know anything about me.

But I knew the drill. Just deal with it.

When the turns eventually came to me, I introduced myself as an addict, and told everyone that I’d done some work on step two. There were a couple claps and nods.

“Except,” I told them, “I, uh, didn’t pick the Devs as my higher power. That’s not against the rules, is it?”

“No, no, of course not,” Clyde told me. “We have a few others here who also picked their own.”

“Charity,” someone said, waving slightly.

Another piped in, “Honor.”

Then, to my shock, the raspy voice of Worluk chimed in, with just about the most unexpected word I could think of.

“Friendship.”

Yeah. That threw me off. I tried not to raise my eyebrows so obviously at her, but I had to glance at least. I found her still not quite looking my way, but without a hint of shame in her body language. Who the hell was this chick?

I told myself to shake it off. The spotlight was on me, and I had no time to be tripped up by murderous mosquitoes. 

“What about you?” Clyde asked me. “Would you like to share?”

I swallowed. Now or never. “Sure. I picked, uh… color.”

Clyde’s featureless brows raised a bit, making my stomach clench in embarrassment. “Really? Well, that’s one we haven’t heard of before. What does color mean to you, Mavis?”

I looked out at the expectant faces. Except Worluk, who was still not looking, which I tried not to read into and just carry on. She could not ruin this for me. I had to be strong and confident, like I know I am. All I had to do was say a few words. It seemed like a simple thing to do, but I felt so damn seen, and I didn’t like it. I saw some impatient frowns from sprites who still didn’t want me there, I saw some eyes full of curiosity over what I’d say, but the rest just looked… neutral. Like I was just another part of the process. Like it didn’t matter to them either way if I fumbled or stuck the landing. 

Normally, I’d hate that. But in this context? It seemed to take so much pressure off. It wasn’t about them. It was my step to take, and they were just witnesses to it.

So I took a deep breath, and I just started talking.

“Color is… everything. I mean, it’s what I do, but it’s also who I am. Y’know, inside. Color is the first thing I remember from the moment I was plugged in. I don’t just see it, I feel it. And it’s… I mean, it’s in everything. Almost all of our games have color. That’s all we are at the end of the day, just blotches of color behind screens, and that’s… that’s kind of awesome, when you think about it. It’s something everyone has in common, no matter what game or role you’re programmed into. That makes things a bit simpler, y’know, to think of yourself not as a Good Guy or a Bad Guy or an Easter Egg, you’re just… a living splash of color.”

I wasn’t sure if I was actually making any sense, but to my surprise, I saw quite a few receptive faces even leaning in a bit to listen. They were intrigued, which was encouraging. So I took it a step further.

“As far as philosophies or things to live by, well… It just got me thinkin’ like... I’m an artist. And artists know that every color is useful. Any color can be mixed, or painted over, in any shade, in any shape. And usually…it takes a lot of different colors and shades to make a beautiful painting. So when you’ve been using the same color again and again, just monochrome, or even analogous, like I have… you’re not gonna be happy. There are so many things I’ve believed, so many things that I’ve thought to be absolute truths that have led me to take buffs. Like… I’ve never been into the whole Easter Egg thing. And I thought buffs were the only thing that could save me from that. But… maybe they’re not. Color, to me, feels like…”

I sighed, trying to pull the words out of myself. “...Flexibility. Possibility. An open mind, I guess. A new color is like a new way of thinking. And... there’s always another color. There’s always another way. And… y’know, it’s probably high time I started acting like it.”

There was silence for a moment. 

But then I saw smiles, and I heard claps, even some small words of encouragement. They were congratulating me and thanking me for sharing. Even some sprites that had given me standoffish looks before were giving me grudging nods.

I… did it. I did it right.

I could hardly believe it. I felt like I’d just spilled out some of my ugliest, most confusing guts, but they loved it.

I wanted to run. I wanted to scream. It was too heavy. I was too vulnerable. 

But all I could do was… grin.

“Mavis,” Clyde said, “thank you so much for sharing. That’s just fantastic to hear. You’re gonna do great things here -- and remember that even when you stumble, it’s that faith of yours that’s going to lift you back up again. You’re going to have to hold onto it from here on out. Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah,” I sighed so hard, it made me dizzy. “Yeah, of course.”

There was a bit more discussion, and the meeting carried on as usual, as if I hadn’t just done something incredible (for me, anyway). But I had a feeling I was going to have to get used to that. Bending myself in unnatural ways to reach this lofty goal of sobriety, and then carrying on as if everything was normal.

Because that was going to be the new normal, after all.

And my first night in that new normal, I tried to find ways to embody my colorful philosophy in whatever small way I could. I looked around at everyone in the circle, and I asked myself to examine the colors that each of them made me feel, beyond what I could see. Specifically Worluk, the one who had been giving me so much trouble, making me so much more nervous than I already was.

To me, she felt… like a toxic yellow. Barely touched with green. Just bright, garish, nauseating and impossible to ignore. While everyone else just blended into each other’s vague, muted tones. It became very apparent just how much I had been ignoring the rest of the group and honing in on her.

Surely, there was something I could do about that.

I wasn’t sure how effective it would be, but I dared to challenge myself with this: If I could not mute Worluk’s color in my mind, maybe I could at least let the rest of the group grow brighter.

[neonthewrite]

PLEASE I need to know how an interaction between Jacob and Bowman would go down if Jacob was having an anxiety attack/crying really hard. By all means, if you want to take this as a prompt and write a drabble for it, I wouldn't be opposed to it (aka please write this if you have the time because oh god I need to read it)

Hey, anon. This was a really good prompt. I chose to use the Brothers Found AU, co-created with @nightmares06. This is set sometime after Jacob in Wonderland.

The story is titled “Memory Sickness” and is probably a 5-10 minute read.

When Jacob’s footsteps slowed to a stop, Bowman noticed right away. The steady, heavy crashing had been a mark of Jacob’s presence in Wellwood as he crushed fallen leaves and shook the very ground. As a giant human, he couldn’t help it, not that it stopped Bowman giving him a hard time.

“Find something?” Bowman called as he banked in a circle to head back to where Jacob had stopped.

His curiosity dropped away as soon as he glimpsed the rainy expression on Jacob’s face. Something was wrong.

Bowman’s leisurely glide became a quick dive. He landed on a low branch mere feet in front of the towering human. Jacob had a hand braced against the trunk of the tree like he was holding the whole world up. Tension quivered in his giant shoulders and radiated around him, static in a storm. His other hand, the one still marred with a warped burn scar, hung at his side in a tight, shaking fist.

His eyes, normally so bright and kind and full of appreciation for his surroundings when he was in Wellwood, were clouded and distant. He glanced up at Bowman without truly seeing him. Bowman almost flinched back from the confused terror that met his eyes.

“Jacob, you’re …” Bowman began. He was so unsure of what to tell his giant friend, even though he understood what was happening.

It had been months since the trickster. No sign of him had reappeared, and Jacob had not been bothered by him since breaking free of his trials. No more time spent as an extra tiny human.

Rischa’s warning haunted Bowman as he watched Jacob’s breathing become more labored and afraid. Rischa had known the moment Jacob first came back to the village that his wounds were not all on the surface. Some of them ran deeper than even he knew.

There’s a part of him that is afraid he’s still … there, Rischa’s voice echoed in Bowman’s head while Jacob’s hand tensed against the tree as if he might claw right through the bark. He’s so afraid of the memories that they’re almost real, Bowman.

Jacob’s knees wobbled and he sank to the ground. A choked, fearful sob escaped him, an unnatural sound for someone so huge and confident. Bowman leapt off the branch.

He came to a hover just as Jacob curled into himself against the tree.

“Jacob,” Bowman murmured. His brow pinched as the human didn’t react to his presence at all. No one but Jacob could guess which of those awful memories gripped him now, but Rischa’s prediction proved itself without a doubt. Bowman saw only terror on his friend’s face.

It took him several minutes to figure out what to do, what to say. He wouldn’t leave Jacob to fend off those thoughts by himself.

“I’m here,” he said more forcefully. He alighted on Jacob’s knee, putting himself inches from the giant’s face. Jacob’s shuddering rattled right through his boots, and Bowman had to keep his wings half-flared. He put his hands on his hips for even more balance, and hoped it gave him more authority as well.

Now to pull the giant back to the present. “Jacob, you’re in Wellwood. Not even a whole mile from the village. Remember?”

Jacob shut his eyes as if Bowman shone brighter than the sun on snow, and his jaw clenched around a response. His hands, huge and powerful but shaking like leaves, lifted and pressed against his head.

But not covering his ears, so Bowman kept talking. “You’re visiting Wellwood again, long after all that business. It’s a nice blasted day and …” his voice cut off as Jacob’s eyes opened again and fixed on him. Bowman couldn’t read more than desperation in that glance, but he had Jacob’s attention. It was something.

“That’s right, human, here I am,” Bowman announced with all the pride he could. “And you’re here with me. In Wellwood. I was gonna show you a good place to find some pine sap.”

Jacob blinked and some of his shaking waned. “What?” he asked. Another blink cleared even more clouds from his eyes.

“Pine sap,” bowman echoed with a smirk. “You’re in the best place to find some.” His wings fanned open to catch the sunlight and match their verdant surroundings.

Jacob’s shoulders relaxed and his hands moved away from his head. One reached out slowly, tentative as if Bowman might lunge or vanish.

He did neither. Bowman knew what was on the human’s confused mind. He reached out one wing and stretched it towards the approaching hand. Giant fingertips brushed over the leafy membrane and Jacob looked as if he could hardly believe what he was seeing and feeling.

They fell silent and the sounds of the forest rushed to fill the space they left. Birds, squirrels, wind, and branches played an enthusiastic and uneven chorus. Bowman kept a sharp eye on the face that loomed before him.

Jacob finally ducked his head to look down at his scared hunch “Bowman …” he muttered. His cheeks changed color slightly. “What …” As he trailed off, Bowman dutifully pretended not to notice the stray teardrops that escaped.

His wing flicked back and flared for balance as Jacob shifted. When a palm-up hand appeared next to Bowman’s perch, he hopped on, and Jacob continued his move to uncurl his giant body. Trying to make himself smaller had only resulted in stiff muscles.

When he finished moving, he was sitting cross legged with his cupped hands held in front. Concern laced his features as he watched Bowman shift his balance. “I don’t know what … that was a little weird.”

Bowman eyed him critically to make sure the drudged up memory wouldn’t relapse. “Nah,” he waved away the concern. “It was just … a nightmare in the daytime. You didn’t fall and knock your giant head, so I’d say it’s all okay now.”

Jacob smiled. It was a faint, sad expression, but grateful as well. “Right. Thanks, Bowman.”

Bowman’s wings twitched. “Anytime, giant. Think you can walk back to the village yet?”

Jacob glanced around where they’d stopped. “In a minute,” he determined. “But I’m not eating any pine sap when we get there.” A thumb curled inward to nudge at Bowman’s side and poke at his wing.

Bowman slapped a hand on the intruding digit but didn’t shove it away. He might be the one piece of concrete evidence of the real world Jacob had at the moment.

If that’s what his friend needed, he’d never hesitate to help.

“Can’t fix unrefined taste,” he snarked. “More for me, then.”

[baiwwnsn]

Some of the most vivid memories and significant season’s I think about, are the different boyfriends I had and the boys I shared time with, and the time we spent together. Welcoming Nolan, Felt new. I couldn’t quite figure out what the hell I was doing or how I was supposed to do it. I was naive, kind of dumb too. However, he gave more than I gave him. I was selfish and did what I’ve always done - what’s best for me. I was certainly convinced that no matter what kind of storm I caused, he’d want to stand in the eye of my hurricane. Uh, I, myself, wouldn’t even want to. I lost something, yet gained another. In exchange for my first ever “heartbreak”. I learnt how to overcome an obstacle in a relationship, big or small. I learnt how to forgive, others and myself. I learnt that after a storm, it’s quiet. I learnt that causing your own storm, only ever comes back to rain on you. Season’s changing. Having been younger, I chuckle at what we once shared - it makes me smile, he makes me smile - as I once thought my first boyfriend was the biggest deal since sliced bread. He taught me a friendship in a partner, and that the compatibility of two people doesn’t matter. Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Forgiving Tim, Took me two years. He made me I understand the iciness of not feeling good enough for somebody. I remember introducing him to my Dad, and boy, my Dad was not having it. Now, I don’t blame him. I felt robbed to an extent, somewhat diminished. Constantly taken advantage of and walked over, I remained as his door mat. Come and go as you wish. Sneaking out and getting myself involved with the wrong people, ending up in the wrong places at the wrong times. The furthest thing from myself, is what I offered to him. I wasn’t ever much to him, until he wasn’t anything to me at all. I reflect on how I allowed myself to succumb to that certain level of self respect and confidence, a season of shivers and shallowness. I used to contemplate on whether or not he truly ever taught me any valuable lessons on love. ONE. Taught me one. Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself first, nobody else will. The way you carry yourself, is how others will admire you. I can’t seem to say that I’m grateful for constantly being cheated on, having relations when I didn’t want to, and allowing someone else’s insecurities to become my own. But, I say I am grateful, as I now know to never change for another again. I will never put someone else before me, if they wouldn’t do the same for me. I am not a fucking second choice. There was Anthony. When I think about this season of my life, I think about road trips, driving up to his cousins place. Always doing something. I loved driving with him - I sat shotgun and sang my heart out as he’d unforgivingly insult my singing and laugh with, and at me. Every time he would come to pick me up, I could never drag him away from chatting my mom’s ear off. I adored that about him though, he blossomed in conversation with anyone he encountered. He had a good head on his shoulders, his Mother did well. I loved his Mom. I loved his entire family, as I did my very own. They humbled me in a way, I felt comfortable in their home, they always made me feel at home. I loved our life together. Spontaneous Sunday trips, new restaurants, new places, something new. It was an entire adventure in whole. We went away for Christmas together, Disneyland, surfing. Future plans and trips seemed to become dreams we’d pitched together. It was pure romance, the type you’d always hope it to be. A candles, cuddling and a rolled one kinda comfortable. When I think about that phase of life that we were together, I think about breakfast. I made him Hazelnut French Toast often, and I’m pretty sure he thought it was terrible, yet ate it anyways. Although we were very much or own people, we meshed together, strangely but so easily. My dreams weren’t his however. Wanting my first love to be my last, I clang to the hope of ‘near or far’. We were different worlds, having being almost five years younger, I felt distant to him in ways. I can’t recall how many episodes I had, getting angry at him for drinking too much or him throwing my bullshit right back into my face ; but I couldn’t imagine anyone else replacing him. I felt God damn married. Apologies for using the Lord’s name in vein. It became routinized. I was too comfortable, and although I loved him so deeply, I craved something more than easy love - I wanted something to work for - and maybe I’ll regret not appreciating the warmth he did give me one day. I look back and can see where I could’ve worked on myself. In segments, and large portions. I could have limited myself in the tears department also. I cried for three weeks straight, well, I cried at least once a day for twenty one days after we broke up. I found myself struggling to get out of bed, crying at practice, eating nothing. I admit, maybe I drowned myself in my own sadness - yet, I knew of no resources to get over it. The way we parted still stings a bit today, although everything happens for a reason - I wish that reason still could make a little more sense to me. Forgiving actions and words, neither of us two dealt with our situation in the most appropriate way. In fact, I lost myself. They must come to an end eventually, but I do believe that even the hardest relationships leave a ray of sun. In Titus. I found myself. Yet, at first; I was scared, somehow very uncertain too. Coming out of a long term relationship, my vulnerability had thickened and I was convinced that it wouldn’t truly turn into anything. He proved me wrong. After awhile, and his awaited patience - I fell in love; with Tanner, him and I as one, and myself. It was light, and cheerful. Constantly goofing off and laughing at little things - he made me giddy. His smile, always undeniable - I could never not smile back. He drew everything I lacked in myself, out of me. I found myself appreciating life more often, and taking the time everyday to make myself and someone else - feel appreciated. When I relapse to this season I think about Winter, the childishness we brought out of one another similar to a snowball fight, and the colder feelings that we hid from each other, getting hit with multiple snowballs at once. We often felt each other pulling away, and one would have to give on our rope a bit more, or pull our link to bring each other back. Our game of tug war. I’ll always love Tanner, but to say I loved all of him would be incomplete - as I never truly knew all of his deeper and darker corners. Nor did he know all of mine. We remained with few doors shut on each other; my reasoning was as I wasn’t ready to let someone open the doors that I hadn’t even begun turning the knobs on yet. I wanted it to work, it seemed so perfect to me. He caught me by surprise from the get go, I played it up to be the sorta ‘ it was when I was really not expecting it’ kinda thing. We gave each other so many things, yet we walked on eggshells with each other. Falling for one another so quickly, we never really stood our ground and set our boundaries. We were constantly crashing into one another, and thinking we’d fixed all our problems by fucking each others brains out. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but that’s one thing we were getting right. Tanner was a gift to me, a present inside a present inside a present. He always kept surprising me, keeping me on my toes. It was the first time in my life that I had ever wanted to give someone the world - I just didn’t know how. I constantly felt protected and admired. Like I belonged to someone, a passion truly irresistible. With T, I had never been more curious about the world, and what I could truly do in my life. I frequently dipped my mind in different waters. The season where we started to fight more than usual. Nothing was going according to plan. I thought I had my entire life planned out, but things were spiralling out of our control. Timing was so off and we didn’t know what to do. He picked up his things and walked to the outside of my gate, still feeling us gripping to one another as if it maybe wasn’t a good idea to part ways - I stumbled inside and fell to the ground. Walking back outside minutes later and seeing him still in his car - head on his steering wheel, crying. Good things fall apart so better things can come together, for new things to inspire - and in our case, we needed to inspire ourselves, on our own. Now, not either of us are holding either ends of our rope. One day, maybe I’ll have the pleasure of being ‘his’ again. As I would be lucky to share those moments of wonder, humour, passion and curiosity with no other. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”  Richard Bach.   When a season of life ends  - specifically with a boyfriend - it’s usually harder than any other season you will live. Because those are the ones you really don’t get back. It’s different than graduating from high school, or moving away from home. You don’t get to revisit your old relationships like you can by going back home, or a 10 year reunion. You don’t get to stay best friends with your exes like you can with a friend from grade school. You say goodbye to your routine, your favourite places, your favourite songs. You say goodbye to their family, their cats and dogs, their living rooms, their bed’s. You say goodbye to who you were as a person when you were together - because you’ll never be the same version of yourself again. There’s a lot of goodbye’s including obviously, the person you loved. And wow, is it painful. Because when it’s over - it’s really over. It ends. It ends. It always does. It wont ever be that kind of same. Coming back to Kace every time, Having lived through countless seasons together. He’s been a starring role in more “seasons” than anyone else in my life. Like a tv show run. The season when I get a boyfriend and tried to forget about him. The season when I cried every night because I couldn’t. The season where I almost allowed myself to go after him, yet I was always too scared of the outcome. The season of what if’s. The season when we waited a year and a half to love on each other. The season of I wish I would've. The season of I wish I would’ve let you hold me a little longer. The season of you telling me to stop worrying all the time. The season where I was happy, living an entirely separate life from him - for an entire year. But deep down I missed him every single day. And then, the season where we hadn’t seen each other in a year but, coincidently ended up in the same place. Visiting, and I can still feel the feeling that only you can get me in. Opening my door to such a familiar face in a new place. Laughed, and bothered each other - melting into each other like no time had passed. I was begging time to stop. Then there was the season where he turned cold and refused to talk to me, in his defence, I was always with someone, it was just never him. There was the time when I told him I loved him and he didn’t, maybe couldn’t, say it back. There was the season when things were so good, it felt like the universe was just begging us to be together, but I ignored it. Seasons of him being that constant motivator, friend, support system and secret lover. Seasons of him questioning me, as he had every right to. From pep talks to holding me on a bathroom floor. Seasons may change, but you stay constant in a way. Maybe one day I won’t ignore it, or maybe I’ll never accept it, as I just don’t want this to end, too. They say nothing truly great can stay in one’s life, although we all have an expiry date - I don’t think that’s true. It is a constant to be saying goodbye to phases of your life. Those moments will fade, but with that brings a new season right to your doorstep. It is true that it ends. But I think that if you are always aware of life as it’s happening, if you’re always fully present in the now… something great will always stay.

Seasons

[sueboohscorner]

#Empire: S4 Ep8 *Cupid Painted Blind* #Empire #OMG

Episode Rating Scale: (10) Exceptional

The season is (1) episode away from it's fall finale. Diana Dubois has broken the Lyon cubs down. Between Hakeem, Jamaal and Andre; she broke Andre the worst. It's time for Cookie to end this battle but she can't do it alone. Lucious is needed. Never thought we would be craving for the monster and evil that lives inside of Lucious. However, Lucious always protected his family by any means necessary. They can even use Mama Leah right about now; she has no problem ending lives. Cupid Painted Blind, what does that mean? Let's recap and figure it out. 

After beating Warren badly, Thirsty discovers it's a warrant out for Jamaal's arrest. The entire family is at Jamaal's condo. Cookie makes it's clear Diana is taking her sons down one by one. Andre is next. At the same time, Cookie is looking for alcohol and pills in Jamaal's cabinets. She fears this heartache will cause him to relapse. He has worked too hard to fight that demon. I pray he doesn't relapse. Love hurts when it ends but doesn't mean you can't get over it.

The injuries Jamaal gave Warren was unbelievable. Angelo rubbed it in Warren's face. Angelo admits he knew Jamaal had it in him but didn't think Warren wouldn't fight back. It's funny to me how Angelo feel falling for a Lyon is a bad thang. Angelo fell for Cookie knowing her past and her family lifestyle. He could have walked away from Cookie. Warren could have been honest with Jamaal once he fell in love with him. Them Dubois need to accept some responsibility in their broken hearts. And Angelo, you aired your dirty dealings for the world to hear. So get off the blame game. But I am confused, how is Warren a Dubois? The fact that Angelo stated, "Mother, will still take care of your father. " So is Warren's father her brother or her husband's brother? I am kind of confused about that.  I felt sorry for Warren tho. He lost everything helping Diana. She blames him for falling in love not her need for revenge. Diana is heartless indeed. At this point, I don't feel it's about Angelo's career being ruin. I genuinely think it's deeper than that. 

Cookie drill Andre about any new things happening in his life. Andre insists he hasn't met anyone new, but that's a lie. He met Detective Pamela Rose. Lucious stops Andre as he was very sarcastic. He nails Diana's tactics perfectly. As Lucious stated, "she moves pass your brain and goes for your heart." Indeed she does. She snatched Hakeem's heart with his daughter and snatched Jamaal's heart with a good relationship. How is she going to snatch Andre's heart? That's what Cookie and Lucious are trying to figure out, but Andre is not honest. Hakeem is tired of the repeated denial from Andre. Jamaal is tired of them being in his house, and Andre is just tired of being questioned. Cookie is looking at all three of her sons like they lost their minds.  She calls them three stupid blind ass mice. Lmao. Cookie is genuinely trying to protect her family, but they instead drown in the sorrows of Diana's damage to their hearts. Andre and Hakeem head to Empire. Jamaal puts Lucious and Cookie out his condo. Cookie sees the hurt from Warren's betrayal in Jamaal's face. As she stares at him, she has a flashback of when she was in jail. Her most significant enemy in prison became her friend. Her friend in need.  She got pregnant by a CO. She went into labor and had a baby. Cookie helped her through it all. The memory was about that feeling of protection the first time you see your child. Protecting her kids is all Cookie is focused on. Cookie can't let Diana get away with the pain she has caused her children. 

Cookie needs Lucious back to his old ways. She makes it clear if he can't help her, paint a symphony somewhere. She can avenge this war for her family. Lucious is doing the best he can under the circumstances. Divide and conquer is his plan. He tells Cookie to let him deal with Andre because he is hiding something. Cookie takes off to find Warren. Warren is the only person that can keep Jamaal out of jail. 

Cookie pays Diana a visit. She brings Diana the engagement ring Angelo gave her. The ring is a family heirloom for the Dubois family.  However, the ring was just a distraction for Diana and her bodyguards. Cookie throws the ring in the street. Diana's bodyguards all run to secure the piece of jewelry. This was a distraction for Thirsty to take pictures of all of Diana's bodyguards. The plan worked perfectly. 

Back at Empire, Tiana is in the studio recording her song for 20/20 with Shine. Hakeem enters the studio. This the first time we see Tiana since Bella's trial. Shine calls Hakeem to the studio because he wants to put Hakeem on one of his tracks for the five albums he has to release on 20/20. I guess Shine wasn't informed that Tiana and Hakeem are no longer together. He tells Hakeem, " I thought your girl could talk you into it." Hakeem makes it's clear Tiana isn't his girl and he not interested in doing a track. See, this is the bratty side of Hakeem. Tiana didn't cause him to lose Bella. He lost his daughter all by himself. Instead of apologizing, he acts like a spoiled, entitled kid. I thought this part of Hakeem was gone and he grew beyond that. I guess some habits are hard to break. Tiana comes out the booth, and Hakeem tells her to put some auto-tune on her track. Enough was enough for Tiana. She smacks Hakeem with ones of those grandma cock hand smacks to your face. You go girl. Tiana doesn't deserve Hakeem's disrespect. She gives him a piece of her mind as well. Good job Tiana. Shine takes Tiana's side. Hakeem vows not to date anyone because it ruins everything. I like this scene because we see another side to Shine. Shine steps up to help Hakeem learn it's more about manhood and fatherhood. He tells Hakeem to come with him. What does Shine have to show Hakeem? I hope it's nothing shady. You never know with Shine. One minute he seems over the past with Lucious and Cookie, but then it's revealed he still in his feelings. 

Thirsty has all the pictures of Diana's bodyguards. He explains to Lucious that one bodyguard is on her payroll but doesn't be with Diana. That's the guard who is watching Warren. Diana knows Warren is in love with Jamaal. She also doesn't want her plans for the Lyons revealed. So, she has Warren in hiding. According to Angelo,  it's for his protection from the Lyons. But it's really for Diana's protection in my eyes. Love will make you turn on family sometimes. It looks like that's the dilemma Warren is in. Anyway, Lucious puts Thirsty on another project. I swear Thirsty gets the information and job done. What does Thirsty have to do now?

Andre approaches Pamela about her role with the Dubois. He makes it clear someone is after his family. He tells her about how Diana is destroying his family through their hearts. Pamela denies any involvement with the Dubois. She is hurt that Andre would even think she would play him. She walks off but not before letting Andre know; she felt they had something special. I guess Lucious asked Thirsty to watch Andre. After Pamela leaves, you see Thirsty calling Lucious telling him to meet him at the restaurant. He tells Lucious something is up with Andre. Andre sits at the table, apologizing to the customers at the restaurant for his outburst with Pamela. It just seems to be no love in the air for Andre since Rhonda's death.

Lucious and Thirsty walk up on Andre at the restaurant. Andre is shocked to see them. Lucious asked Andre is everything okay. Andre tries to hide the fact he was just there with Pamela; however Thirsty told Lucious Andre was yelling at someone. Andre finally tells Lucious about Pamela. He admits he is seeing her and explains she is a cop. That's why this has been his secret.  He describes how she is kind and beautiful. He tells Lucious it's over because he accused her of working with the Dubois. He tells his father, he didn't think he can feel this way about another woman after Rhonda. So he didn't have feelings for Nessa? Andre leaves, and it looks like his heart is broken. Does Pamela work for Diana? Is she there to take Andre down for the bombing that almost killed his father? Does she truly have feelings for Andre? So many questions about Detective Pamela Rose. Lucious tells Thirsty to find out all he can about Pamela. Will her secret now become exposed to Lucious?  

Back at Jamaal's condo, he is listening to  his song Love is Drug. Unfortunately, Warren is on that track. He hears Warren's voice and slams his laptop. Jamaal ends up with a bottle of wine and some pills he has hidden in his kitchen. I can't believe he is about to relapse over this. No, no, no Jamaal. Don't give Diana what she want.

Hakeem and Shine end up in a suburban neighborhood. Looks like Shine had a family of his own. It appears Shine has some sister wives set up for his kids and kid's mothers.   He also has alot of kids. Three sets of kids with three different women. Wow Shine. However, he gives Hakeem some good advice. Never eat where you lay, never let anyone come between you and your kid, keep your business out the streets and the only real connection you will ever have is family. As Shine said, tattoo that on your eyelids. It makes a lot of sense to me. Hopefully that wisdom helps Hakeem 

Back to Jamaal. He is in his condo hurt and facing his biggest demon; his addiction. What he is listening to Love is a Drug and reminiscing about that moment with Warren. He really shouldn't be alone, but he kicked his parents out.  He loved Warren. He felt he was the one. Making that song was the moment Warren first said I love you.  Jamaal is truly hurt, but pills and alcohol won't erase the pain. Thank God, Jamaal tossed the pills. He took a drink instead even though drinking was apart of his rehab as well. A drink is better than popping pills, so I am not too mad at him for that.  However, I feel Warren and Jamaal can work this out. Yes, Warren's intentions started wrong. Yes, Warren lied to Jamaal. Once he realized his feelings for Jamaal was real; he should have confessed. The Lyons isn't angels so Jamaal can understand family loyalty, secrets, dysfunction and lies. I hope this isn't the end of Warren and Jamaal's relationship. 

He caused damage but not to the point it's unforgivable with time. Love is more powerful than revenge. Warren broke trust. Now if that's Jamaal's deal breaker; then yeah this couple is done. But, if Cookie can forgive Lucious for everything he has done, why can't that be the case for Jamaal and Warren? A Dubois in the Lyon's family would be kind of interesting.  

Cookie has face to face with Warren. She enters Warren's room with a loaded gun. She is loaded, cocked and aimed.  She tells Warren they are going to have a little talk while pointing a gun at his face. Cookie wants answers. Hopefully, Warren gives her answers. She told Warren he would tell the police he threw the first punch. Basically, self-defense to clear Jamaal of assault charges. Because Warren truly loves Jamaal, he agreed to do it. However, his quick response to agreement shocks Cookie. Cookie not new to this game but Warren assures her, she has his word. Cookie said, 'Like my son had your word when you said you loved him." Warren admits Jamaal was the love of his life and he lost him. He feels clearing his name is the least he can do for the hurt he caused. For the first time, Cookie sees Warren does love Jamaal. However, she not there to feel sorry for Warren. She is there for answers. Warren asked Cookie to do him a favor, but Cookie makes it clear; he not in a position to ask for favors. But I believe she will do a favor for Warren. You could see Cookie believe his sincerity. She puts the gun away, that says a lot. She also finds out what Diana has brewing for Andre; thanks to Warren. 

Hakeem visits Anika. Unfortunately, he gets told Anika isn't home; she is at her boyfriend's house. Anika and Angelo is a couple now? When did that happen? Was that the deal she made with Diana for her help with the custody hearing? Anika just loves having whatever Cookie loved. Lucious, Hakeem and now Angelo. Anika, Anika, Anika!! Do you want to go down with the Dubois? Please set Ma Leah free to handle Anika aka Boo Boo Kitty. Hakeem misses his daughter. What will he do to get his daughter back?

Warren gave Cookie the information she wanted. Cookie tells Andre and Lucious that Diana was messing with his mind. The doctor Andre sees works for Diana. Andre was shocked to hear that. He gives Cookie the higher dose pills that were prescribed for him to take. Apparently, Diana had something heavy on the doctor for him to risk his career for her. Cookie drills Andre to remember what he told the doctor. The doctor has had Andre so high off them pills; he doesn't know what he told the doctor. All he remembers is telling the doctor he couldn't get an erection. Andre is happy to find out Pamela isn't playing with his heart. Cookie tells Andre to get a new doctor as soon as possible. Yes, he needs a new doctor. Andre is off the chain when off his meds. However, he just focused on fixing things with Pamela. He takes off to find Pamela. Cookie has another flashback to jail. She is looking for Pound Cake, and she questions the CO that got her pregnant. Pound Cake was forced to give up her daughter. Cookie promise to make the CO-pays. This flashback is because Diana is destroying everything she loves; her kids.  The same thing the CO need to Pound Cake.

Hakeem shows up to check on Jamaal. He can't believe his brother is drinking. Jamaal doesn't want a lecture and Hakeem agrees he is not trying to give him one. Hakeem tells Jamaal about Anika moving in with Angelo. He doesn't want to watch another man raise his daughter. Hakeem doesn't want to watch Jamal drink his self to death over Warren aka Trick. Jamaal has Love is a Drug playing. Hakeem like hell no when he hears Warren's voice. He erases Warren's verses off the track. Birthed is another hit from Jamaal and Hakeem. I swear when them two do a song together it's always fire. I love "Trapped." Yassss! It feels good seeing Jamaal and Hakeem together, doing music and being brothers regardless of the Dubois war. 

The last 15 mins of this episode revealed the best OMG moment this season could ever have. Then again, this was the best OMG moment of the entire series of Empire.

Andre is at his place calling Pamela. He is apologizing for everything he said. He wants to explain everything to her. He tells her how much he needs her. Then, there is a knock at the door. It's Pamela. She comes in and puts a gun on the table. Apparently, the gun is the weapon she used to kill the unarmed suspect. Pamela tells him to turn her in. Andre asked, "why would I do that?" Andre tries to explain, but she plays on the fact she did something awful and got away with it. She tells Andre he doesn't understand how it feels to carry a huge secret of guilt. At this moment I was yelling at the TV, "don't you tell her nothing, Andre." In my eyes, Pamela can't be trusted. She is only in Andre's life to find out who is responsible for the car bombing. Apart from me feels, she already knows Andre is behind it; however, she has no proof. She needs a confession from Andre. Andre is about to give her what she wants.... a confession. 

Thirsty arrives at Lucious mansion with some awkward news. Apparently, Pamela Rose isn't a cop. She has never been heard of in the NYPD. So who is Pamela? Is she a Dubois after all? Cookie calls Andre but he doesn't answer. Her and Lucious heads to Andre's apartment. 

Back at Andre's apartment, he let his feelings for Pamela cloud his judgement. He confess to the car bombing. Nooooo!!!! The look on Pamela's face said it all. As Andre tells her, " we understand each other". She responds with ....

Pamela makes her own confession. WTH? I knew it! She confesses to being an undercover cop, working for Las Vegas police. She has been after Andre all this time. She calls Andre the dumbest criminal. She admits to knowing about the car bombing and all the details behind it. She points a gun at Andre and tells him he is under arrest. Andre loses his mind. He attacks Pamela. Pamela ends up dead. Andre is freaking out. He is trying to revive her, but she is dead. Then comes a knock at the door. It's Cookie and Lucious.

Cookie and Lucious let themselves in Andre's apartment. They find Andre very hysterical and tripping out. He is rambling about killing her, trusting her and saying she was no good for me. He tells Cookie, she was right. She was a cop, and she was lying to me. Lucious tells him to calm down. He tries to help Andre. Andre yells, "how you going to help me Pop." For the first time Dwight, not Lucious, see Andre in a bipolar episode. The look on Lucious face was like amazement and unbelievable. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He never saw Andre like this before. Andre tells Lucious, "Look at what I did. Look at what I did". He tells Cookie, "I am sorry ma. I didn't mean to hurt her". Cookie tells Andre, "It's going to be okay." Andre just keeps saying, I killed her. I am a murderer." Cookie moves the curtains. Now, I am thinking she is going to use the curtain to cover and dispose of the body. But then, Lucious tells Andre...

OMG!!!! My mouth hit the floor.  What just happened? What is going on? Then Cookie starts yelling, "There is nothing there Andre." I was so confused for a second. What about you?  Cookie gets through to Andre. She finally gets him to see there is no dead body on his floor. Andre looks around. He is confused as ever. OMG!!! Diana Dubois didn't mess with Andre's heart. She messed with his mind. Pamela isn't real. All this time, the guilt of trying to kill his father and his meds being tampered with caused Andre to go insane. All this time we saw a figment of his imagination. Cookie and Lucious stared at their son, who is lost and trapped in his mind. They see him on the floor, in tears and confuse. They see him as a victim of Diana Dubois revenge against Cookie. This entire scene explains why this episode was called "Cupid Painted Blind." Diana Dubois just elevated her gangsta.  At the same time, Diana Dubois just went too far.

Diana Dubois has to go down. Hakeem can get his daughter back. Jamaal can get over a broken heart and love again. Andre may never get his sanity back. Was Angelo losing his career and getting his heart broke worth that kind of destruction? I don't think so. What is Cookie and Lucious next move? Was seeing Andre out his mind enough courage to bring Lucious entirely back to himself? Stay tuned in because the fall finale is this Wednesday, December 13. Does Diana finally get exposed to her two faces? I can't wait until Wednesday. Hail to the Empire.

Catch up on episodes of Empire on Comcast On Demand, Hulu or download the Fox Now app.

Please be the first to like, share and comment. Subscribe to sueboohscorner.com and visit Sueboohs Corner TV Series Page on Facebook.

Editor: Lattice Johnso

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day three

Yikes was I called out big time by the dietitian today. When I got there she weighed me and then asked how I was doing and I said good and asked how she was doing and she said she was OK and she has had a stressful week because of clients who are straddling the fence of recovery and she is worried about them but that they are OK as of today and so she’s doing better but she said she knows that something that I must understand with when your people aren’t doing so well and I said yeah I actually got one of those emails yesterday and she basically said how people with eating disorders often minimize things and think that they’re going to be fine and the reality is that it leads to treatment or death and then she basically asked me where I felt like I was in all of that and I said I completely understood and I think I also relate to that aspect of minimizing these I think on the one hand I’m like I mean I’m close enough to a healthy weight and I feel like I look fine So it’s like that part of me that’s like it’s not really a big deal but then there’s also the part of me that knows that my husband is may be worried/add a point I really can’t maintain this because I know that if I keep losing weight he’s going to eventually realize and be worried and I told her about the comments that he had made and she was like do you really think he doesn’t know that you’re struggling and I was like no I mean I don’t know and I explained how he has so much going on right now with his job and with his grandma that it was like I feel like it would be easy to kind of overlook me and she was like I don’t think so because usually I mean that’s your spouse that you live with your his number one priority and I think his comments show that he’s like babe I’m freaking out and I’m worried about you and maybe you are minimizing that but I think his actions and the things he is saying are pretty indicative of the fact that he’s worried and he knows and she was like honestly people can tell. She said that she could tell as soon as she saw me that I’ve been dropping more weight and I had said something about accountability and not wanting to talk to my husband because that would mean that I am struggling and not just accidentally missing meals and she was like well for one you are struggling and for two I think he knows and when I said that I don’t want to tell friends or ask for their support or accountability part of that is because I think people would question whether or not I should be working with eating disorders and I was like because I don’t think that I’m actually affecting them negatively right now and she was like well but you are because you had the one client with the comment and then she was like I mean visually speaking they’re going to know she was like I can tell just looking at you that you’re not healthy and she was like I’m sure they realize that you are under weight right now and in some ways that’s going to affect them. She asked me about exercise and then said that exercise is a privilege for those in recovery so I’m not allowed to do any right now other than some gentle stretching. She asked about sort of a timeline for things because she said she had talked to Lynn and they had kind of talked about how I’ve been doing well and then you know this is my third week in a row where she was like you’re not just dropping weight I mean you’re dropping several pounds between week so somethings not going OK and she said quite frankly I would call this a relapse. I think I was just kind of stunned and just stared at her for a minute and she was like I mean it is kind of what it is you’re dropping a lot and she said she want to help me get back on track. We talked about the sort of timeline for things but there isn’t really a very good timeline like I don’t know why I started to struggling more other than the fact that attention was brought to it but I explained my sort of history in the past year with initially my weight when I saw Lynn and then have it dropped a little bit at the beginning because I freaked out over her abandoning me and then it went back up a little bit but I never went all the way back up and how in the past few months it had dropped just a few pounds but then now it’s just continuing to drop even more. She was like maybe we need to do a very structured meal plan and I said that actually would be really helpful and she asked if I’ve had one before and I said I think it would been a long time. Also I thought was funny because she called me Amber again And she was like have you had a structured meal plan and I laughed and I was like honestly it’s just funny because when I relapsed and went to treatment the dietitian was supposed to give me one and she totally forgot Amber was the one who actually called her out and so I had to get one at the very end but she never really followed up with me and the first time I was in treatment I don’t remember I’m think I might have but I definitely wasn’t following it all I remember was that I would go into the appointments and the dietitian would be like you need to eat more and I would not in my head and walk out so I was like I think I mean I remember doing a lot with trying to make sure I had the right food groups and I had like to that and she was like OK so the macro nutrients which is good so she took out a paper and went through a very structured meal plan regarding which nutrients I need to be eating. She said I don’t really need to be eating lotta vegetables right now because the main focus needs to be some of that weight gain and they don’t really sustain you very well she asked me if I’d had breakfast at all this week and I said at least three days I think and I was like hang on I can check and she was like oh are using recovery record and I was like yeah so she was like hang on then we are going to link up right now so she took out her phone and we linked up on recovery record. I had no idea that peas were considered a starchy food. Not that I eat peas, but apparently that’s a thing. She was super sweet and supportive and talked about how her role is to help me stay on track so that I can do the deeper work that keeps me falling back into the same patterns. She’s just so sweet and supportive and it’s strange to me but it was helpful. There is still That anxiety around it being all or nothing like it feels like I need to completely do you all of the meal plan or none of it at all and I don’t really know why because that’s stupid. We talked about how if I don’t start gaining weight the only way that this path ends is in treatment again or death and she said that I’ve worked far too hard to go back to that. I agreed and she asked if it would be helpful to think about what I have worked hard and gained in recovery and I was like maybe and she said well it sounds like you’ve done a lot of rebuilding your marriage and I said yeah I think so and I explained how things have been so bad back then and there was a point in a fight that we had where he said something about how he wasn’t sure if I have a relapse if you would be able to stick out the relationship again and I think that gives me anxiety about talking to him about struggling and she was like well that makes sense. We also talked a little bit about how she said my believes about my weight are based off of my parents who have eating disorders and what they think is wrong and what they have thought and taught me was wrong. I told her about how when I was 14 I weighed 99 pounds and was 5 foot seven and she was like oh my God it’s a wonder that you even started your period and I was like yeah I don’t know I think I just thought it was natural but it’s hard to know what was ever truly my natural weight and what was a product of being restricted from eating and she was like I find it really impossible to believe that 99 pounds at 5 foot seven was natural and healthy and I was like yeah I don’t now. And she was like well I want you to hear me, what your parents taught you was wrong. She was like you were at a healthy weight and I explained the home at 149 pounds I got ripped apart for going to college and getting fat and so I actually showed her the picture that I used to always destroy myself with and I was like honestly there’s a part of me that looks back at it now and I’m like what the heck I was just an average weight and she looked at it and she looked so befuddled and she was like you look completely healthy like this is probably what your body wants to be and I was like no that was my body when I was eating a shit ton of pizza and cookie dough and she was like yeah you were eating and I was like but I was like not eating fruits and vegetables because I went to college and just ate whatever I wanted because I can suddenly eat white bread and chicken skin and pop tarts god for bed and she was like either way your body was healthy and you looked healthy and she pointed out that my standard for having not looked good was off of my parents and extended family and that wasn’t healthy and they weren’t right. I said the idea of going up to 149 terrifies me and she was like well don’t worry, it’s not my goal to make you’ll be sent it’s not my goal to make you 149. She said she lets get back up to that 132 and then we can see from there and talk about where we think your body needs to be but right now we need to really get you to a healthy weight. She said well at this point I would say that you’re in a relapse and I looked at her confused and she was like I mean let’s just call it what it is and I didn’t really say anything but she was like I can ask you if you’re restricting but I don’t have to because I know that you are based on the amount of weight that you have been losing. She said she thought that I needed to hear that and I think Innoway I did need to know that she is talking about it as a serious problem and she did ask what I heard her saying and all this and I was like I mean I’m hearing you say that you’re concerned and that this is a bad path if I don’t turn around and she was like exactly we need to turn the ship around now because you don’t want to lose everything you’ve worked hard for. She also said that she wants me to bring my breakfast next time and we will eat breakfast together. She was like did you eat breakfast before coming? I was like no I never eat before therapy or dietician apts because I have too much anxiety and I get worried I’ll throw up and she was like well you have to sit through that discomfort because you can’t just not eat and I was like well I never actually throw up but I get get so anxious I get nervous that I will and shewas like I’m sorry I make you anxious and I was like it’s not you it’s everything and she was like I know but it’s still something that gives a lot of people anxiety and it becomes habit and normal that we just eat together and she said to use whatever excuse I needed to to make myself eat. He was like I don’t care if it’s peggy said I can or should. She said a lot of clients use the peggy says I can. She wrote down my goals and made a copy and said to take care of myself this week and she would keep up on rr. She had smiled when she saw me texting and I explained that my husband and I were literally texting about how much we love our dog. She said she has a lab and said how he’s getting old and has hip issues and I was just like god never mention old age again lol. She said she’s allergic so the dog doesn’t sleep with her so I’m assuming that’s part of why she isn’t nearly as sad as I’d be talking about my dog getting old lol

[ulrichfoester]

Let’s Talk About Addiction

Addiction – what is it anyway?

An addiction is anything that is hard to stop doing regardless of the negative affects it has on your life and the harm it brings to those around you. It feels like an intense need for a substance and this substance can take the form of food, cigarettes, gambling, sex, shopping, video games or alcohol – just to name a few.

Regardless of the form the addiction takes, addiction is common and shared among people of all races, socio economic backgrounds and education, basically no one set of people is immune to becoming addicted to a substance or behavior and People from all walks of life are affected.

Though addiction is common place, many people suffering from an addiction, including the friends and family members of those suffering are ashamed to talk about it. It is my hope this essay will help to keep the dialogue going, as talking about mental health issues and addiction is a step toward understanding and therefore healing.

Why Does Addiction Happen?

In my experience, having had a close friend addicted to alcohol and another to stimulants as well as my own struggle with a food, addiction is not caused by one single factor and it definitely does not show up because of mental weakness or a lack of willpower.

Research states however, that a few of the factors that affect the probability of having an addiction include genetics, our natural brain chemistry, traumatic childhood experiences, mental & emotional health (people dealing with depression and/or anxiety) and simply not knowing how to deal with stress.

Research also states that if one has parents that have or had struggled with addiction, that person will have a higher propensity of becoming addicted to a substance or behavior.

In regards to brain chemistry, addictive substances and behaviors increase the level of dopamine (a pleasure chemical) in the brain, which gives the feeling of positivity and good will. In my case, dopamine is released in my brain when I eat sugary and salty foods. In the case of my two friends they suffered serious childhood traumas, emotional and physical abuse and they never dealt with them, as they never felt they were able to talk about it to their families. This caused them to seek comfort in their substances. The fact of the matter is no one wants to feel pain; it is through their vices of choice that my friends found some temporary relief and a temporary escape.

Regarding mental health, (depression/anxiety) I know many people that suffer form anxiety/depression. In my case, as I am sure also in the case of my friends, our substances helped us deal with anxiety. When I was very excited or worried I would get very anxious and felt I needed food to calm my nerves. And there it was, my erroneous belief that food, my drug of choice would make my experience somehow better. My friends, I dare say, also self medicated with their own substances thinking it was the most effective tool in their arsenal to ease whatever trauma or discomfort they were dealing with at the time.

With that said…

With that said how many of us in some way look for an external source of power when dealing with our issues? How many of us avoid facing or torments and struggles? How many of us didn’t have to learn how to deal with our traumas, anxiety, and depression? The fact is, as humans, we will find tactics to deal with the traumas of life, some less obvious than others, some healthier than others.

For years people would go through the humiliation and shame of having someone in their family addicted to drugs or alcohol as if it is an attestation of the individuals lack of strength or lack of self-control.  Let’s me ensure I am crystal clear here: it is not!

Lack of will power has nothing to do with being an addict, relapsing or falling into old habits. If you don’t’ believe me just go ask anyone who has ever been on a diet.  Relapsing also has nothing to do with a lack of good intentions to stick to a program either, just remember when you started the gym on January 1st  and stopped going by the last week in February. Let us all think twice before we exalt ourselves over those struggling with recovery.

The work – paying attention to triggers

“…A person with mental illness can recover even though the illness is not ‘cured’… Recovery is a way of living a satisfying, hopeful, and contributing life even with limitations caused by the illness. Recovery involves the development of new meaning and purpose in one’s life as one grows beyond the catastrophic effects of mental illness.“ ~ Recovery from Mental Illness, William Anthony

Going deeper into my own issues, there are tools and lifestyle changes I had to incorporate in order to live a healthier life and I had to find ways to properly and effectively deal with stress. Psychotherapy, self help books, my spiritual practices, exercise and volunteering are all tools I still use. I also had to identify certain situations and people that are triggers for me and either avoid them all together or if I could not, pro-actively arm myself with appropriate affirmations & self talk to minimize the perceived stress these triggers would cause.

Coping strategies are therefore imperative and consciousness of the fact that major changes, a death in the family for instance can be a serious trigger. I experienced this when I lost my dear brother to senseless gun violence on July 1st Canada Day in Toronto 3 years ago. Remaining conscious through my grief, allowing myself to go deeply into my pain and not try to mask it helped me to avoid what could have been a major setback.

Then there are the days that stress compounds. Little two headed stress goblins seem to call on all their little stress goblin buddies in the universe to happen to you, and all the same time! It can feel as if there is a cosmic conspiracy against you to give you and only you a bad day, week, month! This is not the case, the universe is friendly and you must make the effort to fix the narrative in your head that claims otherwise. This is a part of the work.

Doing the work will also help you to do the work because it builds confidence, confidence that you can and will deal properly with the whatever stresses are flung in your direction. Fixing my narrative also opened me up to realize these stresses were a sacred and weird gift from the universe, they are opportunities for us to practice conscious thoughts, acts and practice using our tools. These stresses are here to help make us stronger and what a gift that truly is.

The road to success is often paved with relapse

Often times a relapse can feel like failure. I had seen my friend struggle with this: “Julia” he would say “I was doing so well… you know?… 7 months two weeks… you know?” The shame and the disappointment were, for lack of better words “too real” and have all heard the stories of folk being sober 11 yrs., 12 years etc. then suffer a relapse. The fact of the matter is, very often relapse is a part of the road of recovery. Again, Relapses have nothing to do with lack of will power and it definitely has nothing to do with a lack of good intentions. Having a plan in hand ready for when stresses do occur, can allow the addict to feel more in control when crisis do occur.

If you know someone suffering with an addiction of any kind the best thing to do is to encourage them and to be as informed as you can about the addiction and the factors that may trigger them. It is important as well to help the loved one change their narrative. Personally I had to reframe relapses, as I have had to reframe failures in business. Again, it is worth repeating, a Relapse should be seen as a disguised gift, an opportunity to learn ones triggers, and how to better deal with them. Again, a relapse is not a failure, it is a part of the journey to success, it is an opportunity to pinpoint what works and what does not.  

In conclusion – there is no conclusion.

Managing addiction is an ongoing process, think of it this way: any one of us can fall into the grip of anger or a road rage at any time, addicts have to be conscious that at any time there may be an external factor that wants to tip the scale and send them hurling in a less than healthy direction.

Understanding that recovery is not only a goal but also a process is important for the journey. It is learning how to truly live a higher quality of life and making space in your reality to being ready to receive that higher quality of life. It is recognizing and investigation ones own triggers and being conscious in decisions. Therefore, In conclusion, there is no conclusion in living with addiction. It is a journey, a continuing process into our highest selves, keeping the hope and the vision of the person we intend to become clear and in view at all times.

And Finally…

Though it is often said people need to hit rock bottom – I personally do not believe that is fully true, I think people need to hit “adequate discomfort” from the addiction in order to get to the point of surrender and none resistance. I also am an advocate of hope in the future. In recovery, without hope and a belief that we can have a better life and a better existence we would lack the motivation to even try.

 So The next time you meet someone or the family member of someone struggling with recovery, remember your own failed diet attempts, remember the times you started a gym membership on January 1st and quit by the 12th of February, remember all the times you needed a kind word, of encouragement and support, then have some compassion. Most importantly don’t be embarrassed or afraid to talk  about the addiction and be sure to listen, that is a gateway to the journey of recovery.

The post Let’s Talk About Addiction appeared first on The Treatment Specialist.

Let’s Talk About Addiction published first on https://familycookwareshop.tumblr.com/

[buykamagragoldonline-blog]

Country Music Star Raises Awareness for Colon Cancer

Country singer and songwriter Wade Hayes was at the top of the Billboard Country charts in the 1990s with his hit song “Old Enough to Know Better.” But his career came to a screeching halt when he was diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer at age 42.

Now, four years and one relapse later, Hayes’s doctor has told him there is no evidence of cancer and that he should go live his life. Hayes took his doctor’s words to heart. He just released an album titled “Go Live Your Life” and is back on tour, simultaneously promoting his new album and raising cancer awareness and money for people with advanced colon cancer, also known as colorectal cancer.

He launched his album in March as part of Colon Cancer Awareness Month and partnered with Genentech, a biotechnology corporation, which will donate $1 (up to $50,000) for every download of “Go Live Your Life” on iTunes. The money will support the Colon Cancer Alliance Blue Note Fund, a nonprofit that helps people with advanced colorectal cancer.

His Story Hayes vividly recalls the night in 2011 when he realized something was wrong. He’d been experiencing some minor symptoms—bloating, lethargy and slight bleeding—but he attributed them to his lifestyle. He was lifting heavy weights and traveling a lot. One day, as he prepared to fly out for a show, he doubled over in pain.

He did the show and flew back home to Nashville. The sharp pain subsided, but he was still uncomfortable, so he made an appointment to see his doctor. He was young and had no family history of colon cancer, so he didn’t suspect anything major. The doctor, however, ordered tests, which showed a large tumor on Hayes’s large intestine. Further testing revealed it had metastasized to his liver and diaphragm. He had stage IV colorectal cancer.

Hayes also had a condition that caused part of his intestine to fold into another section of the intestine, creating a blockage. That required a seven-and-a-half-hour emergency surgery. His doctor removed 20 inches of his large intestine, up to 75 percent of his liver and a small section of his diaphragm and gall bladder—along with his “sunny disposition,” he jokingly recalls.

Surgical complications and six months of chemotherapy laid him low. He was beginning to get back to normal when he found out his cancer had returned—exactly a year after his initial diagnosis.

His doctors treated Hayes with chemotherapy again, reducing the tumors’ size before doing a second surgery to remove lymph nodes where the cancer had spread. After that surgery, Hayes received great news: his doctors said there was no evidence of cancer and told him they were confident he would remain cancer free.

“We were looking at my blood work and deciding whether to take the port out for the second time, and [my doctor] expressed to me what a big deal it was that I was not only alive but doing as well as I was,” Hayes recalled. “He said, ‘I want you to go live your life.'” Hayes went home and told his songwriter friend, Bobby Pinson, what his doctor had said. The two of them came up with “Go Live Your Life,” which opens with, “Take it from someone who knows.” The song talks about how Hayes once took life for granted and now considers every moment precious. He hopes people will listen to that message and truly appreciate life and find the things in life that make them happy.

Because Hayes’s cancer was stage IV and had “become mobile,” he will live with that threat the rest of his life. But, he says, the cancer also gave him a deeper appreciation for life. “I realize how precious it is, and how much I took for granted.” Nowadays, he lives with his dog on a farm in Tennessee and keeps his “eyes and ears open all the time trying to help somebody out.” Singing and Advocating

He feels fortunate to have made a living writing and singing songs, and now, at age 45, he feels like he’s doing something that matters. On tour, he meets with people after his shows, often praying and hugging them and listening to their stories. Because his story was in the news, they reach out to him and he can empathize.

“They want to talk about it with someone who’s been there,” he says. “That’s as big a part of my job as the actual show—taking time with people.” He tells them that prayer and visualizing where he wanted to be when his treatments were finished helped him through his ordeal. He sees his job now as twofold: he’s a country music singer/songwriter AND a colon cancer awareness advocate.

Colon cancer is one of the most treatable forms of cancer. But, unfortunately, it is one of the most deadly if not caught in time. The American Cancer Society predicts over 136,000 people will be diagnosed with colon cancer this year, and one in five will have an advanced form.

“Looking at these numbers, early detection is key,” Hayes says. He notes that the normal age to begin screening is 50, but he encourages people to ask about earlier screening if they have a family history of colon cancer or symptoms such as bloating, abdominal discomfort, bleeding or lethargy. Doctors are increasingly diagnosing colon cancer at younger ages. “I don’t want people to have to go through what I’ve gone through and have this on their minds for the rest of their lives,” Hayes says. For more Information visit us our website: safegenericpharmacy.com

[alyssamanson5]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from http://www.spiritualriver.com/alcoholism/navigating-transition-early-recovery-long-term-sobriety/

[bobbiejwray]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241842 http://ift.tt/2ht6Qxx

[alexdmorgan30]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://ift.tt/2ht6Qxx

[roberrtnelson]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241843 http://ift.tt/2ht6Qxx

[pitz182]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

[journalingthisjourney]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

The post Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

[emlydunstan]

Navigating the Transition from Early Recovery to Long Term Sobriety

At one point I was finishing up my journey through early sobriety and I was trying to find my footing in long term recovery.

I don’t know that I as even thinking in terms of those words, such as “early recovery” versus living in “long term sobriety.” But I knew that I had been going to AA meetings every single day for a while, and that something more was needed in order to truly be successful in recovery. I could not just keep showing up to meetings, sharing about how my day went, and expect to succeed in recovery. Because honestly, I was watching some of my peers relapse who were trying to do exactly that–they were trying to extend their early recovery out for the rest of their life. They wanted to stay in “recovery playground” rather than to graduate to a more advanced level of sobriety.

And what is this advanced level? And can you still attend AA meetings while achieving this next level of recovery?

I absolutely believe that you can still attend AA meetings for the rest of your life if you choose to do so, but in order to succeed in long term recovery you have to do more than just show up to daily meetings and pay lip service to the program that saved your life.

In other words, you have to keep seeking personal growth. You have to push yourself to become a better version of yourself, and you have to find new and unique ways to give back to the world in your recovery journey.

We can’t all be sponsors and therapists. There are different roles that are needed in terms of helping people out in this world. Some people end up going into the jails or the juvenile homes in order to carry a message of hope. Some people find recovery communities online. Some people find a way to connect with others that has nothing to do with recovery on the surface, but may have a deeper meaning that then becomes their mission in life.

What you need to realize in early recovery is that your path in life is going to change and evolve over time. You may not attend the same AA meeting forever, and that is OK. There are new horizons to explore in recovery, and it is your responsibility to reach out and find these new pathways.

So how do you do that? One, you need to remain open to the process, just as recovery programs suggest. Second, I would argue that you need to get plugged into sponsorship, therapy, counseling, or some combination of the three. In other words, you need to be bouncing your ideas off of someone knowledgeable so that you don’t get yourself into trouble. Also, a therapist or counselor will be able to make useful suggestions to you based on where you are at in life and what your particular goals may be. At some point you have to find your own path, however, and not rely entirely on the advice of others.

I believe that there is a tricky transitional period that people get stuck in, and it can lead to relapse.

So in early recovery you need to take advice and suggestions from others. You need to figure out what NOT to do in order to start healing your life.

Then you begin to work the steps, or you do therapy or counseling. You figure out what is wrong in your life, and you actively fix it. This is all part of the healing process, and it is necessary if you are to make it in long term recovery.

But you also reach a point in which you need to make this transition into your own long term recovery. People can make suggestions about this, but ultimately you have to find your own path in this. One of the keys is that you not do this too soon, because if you are still in very early recovery, it is likely that you will end up sabotaging yourself. In other words, your addiction will take over and lead you to relapse if you try to “design your own recovery program” too soon. But eventually you must find your own path.

In my opinion the key to this transition period is to learn as much as you can and then start developing positive habits in your life. In order to do this successfully you are going to have to test out which habits are helpful to you and which are not. You cannot just guess when it comes to this process; you must actually test out various ideas and see what helps you.

Most people get lazy in this and they do not want to take action, they don’t want to do a 30 day trial, they don’t want to experiment and do what their therapist or sponsor is suggesting that they do. But if you want to find your best life in recovery then you are going to have to experiment and take some advice from other people.

When I was making this transition myself, a lot of my peers were very nervous for me, and they were afraid that I was going to relapse. They cautioned me about cutting back on AA meetings, saying that I would end up relapsing if I were not careful. Of course I eventually transitioned into online recovery, physical exercise, and pursuing education and a new career, such that I kept myself busy and engaged in plenty of positive action. Now it is over 16 years in sobriety and I still have not relapsed (as “they” all said that I would if I left the daily meetings!).

Is this to say that you should quit going to meetings? Absolutely not. What I am suggesting is that you need to find your own path in recovery, and that this will eventually be something that is basically forced on you as you transition out of early recovery. It is my belief that what got you sober won’t keep you sober forever, because life keeps changing and evolving, so your recovery must therefore change and evolve as well. If you try to stay a beginner forever then eventually that is going to come back to bite you.

My best suggestion for someone who is seeking to make a transition into long term recovery is that they start writing in a journal every single day. This can be super helpful in terms of getting your anxiety down on the page, and also in terms of allowing you to look back and see how much growth you have made. If there is one thing that has definitely helped me in long term recovery it is the habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis. I think if you are failing to write in a daily journal then you are missing out on a huge tool that can really help you in recovery.

Ultimately I believe that if you are going to find long term sobriety then you have to take the reigns at some point and find your own path. Good luck in doing so!

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