#a lot of the vids/memories she put in the compilation had me in it and it made me feel all warm and tingly /pos

[lovinglin]

Friend made a rlly bittersweet compilation of some childhood memories/videos and it has me feeling nostalgic

[saucedxll]

you ever have a weird dream where once you wake up you sit there like "why tf did my brain think that"

(i feel like because of how weird this shit is CW: pedos & cutting pedos dix off)

i'll start, had a weird ass dream where i was on youtube and there was a video where ashnikko & like 10 other german girls go to 2 pedos house, who for some reason looked like rhett & link if rhett & link went throught decades of alcohol abuse and lack of self-care, they break into their houses, cut both their d!cks and sew they together.

i would put like "an artist rendition" of how this happened, but i'm 99.9% sure that being on the internet would be a WHOLE lot weirder knowing there's a drawing out there where i tried to draw what i'm about to describe, so imagine two... things, one cut in half & sewed on top in the MIDDLE of the other one & the other one's... head is cut off & replace with the rest of the first one, i know you're uncomfortable, i'm uncomfortable, everyone in this god forsaken process is umcomfortable, let's move one.

oh and did i mention this was a commentary video? cause the beginning was an uncensored video of what i just described and then some guy comes on screen to reveal that right after she did this, ash released a line of merch that... like, idk how to explain this so like here's a drawing:

my memory of this is foggy but i remember it being bright and looks like something you'd find in hot topic, and than in this dream she made an animated shocksite gore series, btw in this dream this vid was posted in 2019 and it was 2024 and in 2024 the internet had pretty much been wiped from any proof of this show and the site it was on, the only thing i could find of it was a screenshot of the homepage on google and i spent too much time on the drawing of merch i thought in a fucking dream so i'm not drawing this out, just imagine this homepage

with a dark teal and light teal theme, ashnikko's face in the top left corner and shockvideos

so like the dumbass i am, in this dream after a few minutes of searching i managed to pirate the show a.k.a. i found a reddit post from 2020 with a mp4 file that was a compilation of every episode, there was only 3 and each were barely 10 minutes long, y'know those neon animal posters from the early 2000s? like these

so imagine that combined with happy tree friend if the plot of each episode of cleary written by 2018/2019 "stupid boy" & "slumber party" ash, also one of the characters was wearing a slutever t-shirt so that's useless info but i may as well

anyways insert that weird dream switch and i'm back in my shitty neighborhood i just moved out of a month ago, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, anyways i walk into my friends houses which is just my old house but if my old house was from the show hoarders, i walk into the bedroom and a homeless man "breaks in" even tho they left the door wide open and all the windows were unlocked, i don't think literally anything happened after that and i'm suddenly in the school from the girl from nowhere but even more plain, one of my friends from my old school gives me a birthday card to give to my brother even tho his birthday's in may and it's the beginning of august, and just when i try to talk to her, her friend goes "umm no fuck that" and swoops in to take her to lunch

last thing i remember is me using microsoft word and i'm trying to write "emily youcis" but for some fvcking reason a type "elmly enncis" also the alfred's playhouse theme is playing at one volume on loop

i wake up, pondered my sanity for a few seconds, had to write emily youcis out on paper because i know that i know how to spell this woman's name and some what moved on

thanks for reading my rant!!!11!11!

[crqstalite]

19. — fireworks for kodelyn and kallan? i'm intrigued by them :0

Fireworks

-

Shepard,

I was informed there was to be a light show somewhere on the strip later tonight. Lt. Vega compared them to something called fireworks. I am unsure of what that means but curious. If you’re free, I would enjoy the chance to watch them with you.

- Kallan

----

Kodelyn initially hesitated over the request, reading over it for any hints towards non-benevolent intentions. A light show on the Citadel seemed innocent enough, something friends would do. She hadn’t seen them in some time.

Yet this was an assassin that asked her to see it with her. Yes, she had plenty of friends who were, by definition, mercenaries and assassins like her. Every single one of them had used their respective guns more than once. 

Except Kallan Gautheir was in a league of her own, and not by her own doing. Not a few days ago, this was the same woman that had attempted to kill her. The same woman who wore her face with contempt. The same woman that tried to steal her life right out from under her.

Understandably, Kodelyn’s a bit suspicious. Light shows with your own clone didn’t come with a manual. Or an explanation.

In the moment, it had seemed like the right decision. To grab her hand and pull. To tell her she had more of a purpose than to be...well, her.

It felt like staring at a mirror in that split second Kodelyn had leapt forward and wrapped her fingers around her wrist. As if she were talking to herself, trying to talk her down from squirming out of her grip. To a point, she thinks she was. Projecting, that was. Kodelyn had surprised herself. She was angry. Furious. Brooks, Cerberus, to an extent even the Illusive Man had convinced this woman she was good for nothing but what they’d set her out to do. Convinced her she could never be her own person, follow her own passions. Her entire personality was wrapped up in becoming something she wasn’t.

Or something she was, technically. Kodelyn has to remind herself sometimes that she is really a complete copy of herself. As far as any DNA scanner was concerned, she was Shepard. Well, they both were. Kodelyn was the real one. The alpha prototype, as it seemed. She knew that. The average passerby did not.

Saving her seemed like the right thing to do. The only thing to do.

Those dark, but somehow bright mahogany eyes had widened upon realizing Kodelyn didn’t intend to kill her outright. Surprise painted her entire expression when she was offered to live what life the Reaper’s invasion would allow her. Speechless, when Kodelyn had told her she was free. As if she’d been speaking in tongues or another language, completely spaced out just on that idea alone.

Had she ever been offered a choice like that before? Something says she hadn’t. Something says her short life had been nothing but being told what to do without even a second thought. Kodelyn wants to rectify it, even if she’s fumbling trying to figure out how.

But at the same time, and a little more selfishly, she doesn’t think she could’ve sat back and watched herself die. Watched herself fall to her death among the Citadel wards. That may have haunted her for much longer than she could’ve handled.

Lately Kallan had been staying in the apartment, shut up in the room she’d claimed for herself, closest to the door. Kodelyn had expected her to want to explore, but she’d made herself scarce. When she wasn’t doing that, she was occasionally giving heart attacks to the crewmates that came over to visit. It was a little amusing. EDI was currently the only one successful at knowing which was which upon first glance (which Joker claimed was cheating, rightfully so with her biometric scans), but Kallan had managed to confuse the rest of them. Kodelyn couldn’t help but laugh when James had come over, and Kallan had come out of her room to grab something from the kitchen. All in good, unintentional fun for those on the Cerberus SR-2 crew as they got to know the not-her.

But short of that, Kallan had never made a request to go out somewhere with her. She’d been silently observing, quietly answering questions when prodded. Sitting at the kitchen counter in the mornings with her nose in her omni-tool, or staring out the big picture window in the living room. But the last day or so, she’d been showing some sort of fledgling personality. Curiosity about things outside of the Reapers, mostly a fascination with EDI, but also an academic one of the biotics on the crew. She’d gone out with Miranda earlier in the day, presumably so that Miranda could compile more data on her, but she’d seemed pleased when she returned.

Kodelyn can’t read her. Maybe that speaks more volumes about her herself than it does about her clone.

Placing the datapad back down on her nightstand, she slips a sweatshirt on and pads downstairs. Would it hurt to grant her request? Probably not. Kallan would know better not to start anything, especially in the middle of a gathering. It could be worth giving her the benefit of the doubt, after all, until the party all they have is time. Maybe Kodelyn just wants to sate her curiosity about her as well.

Kallan herself is watching one of the vidscreens with great curiosity, her head slightly tilted to the right. Kodelyn isn’t sure what she’s watching, most likely a drama off one of the vid channels, but she taps the woman on the shoulder. It’s almost as if she’s electrocuted her, the biotic jolting and whipping her head around to look at her. 

“Don’t freak out.” Kodelyn holds her hands up, “Just wanted to see what you were up to.”

It takes her a moment, a critical eye roaming over her form but Kallan relaxes back into the couch, “Then...I am up to nothing. I was curious what entertainment the Citadel had, but I’m not quite pleased with what I’ve found. There are...a lot of inaccuracies in the vids that portray the Alliance.”

“I’m not surprised.” She answers, leaning her forearms on the couch’s back. To a point, she wonders how Kallan can tell the difference, but just how much she knows about their military is an unknown, “People love a good story way more than they do facts.”

“That seems counterintuitive. How could you build a story on a shaky foundation of skewed details?” Kallan furrows her brows, gesturing at the screen. Her reaction makes Kodelyn smile, how many of these had she ever seen? She doubts Cerberus would’ve been showing her entertainment media. Maybe Tali could show off Fleet and Flotilla to her before they had to ship out again, “Regardless, is there something you needed?”

“Got your message. Can’t say I saw any adverts for the show, but lead the way.” Kodelyn nods towards the front door, “I’ll have to admit, I’ve never seen one on the Citadel before.”

Her eyes brighten, pushing herself up from the couch, “You haven’t? I thought they were common.”

“I don’t spend a lot of recreational time down in the wards. This shore leave is one of the few times I’ve been for longer than a day or two.” She answers, “Could be fun.”

“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t think it was.”

-

Childlike wonder. That’s the only word Kodelyn has to describe the look on her clone’s face when they’d arrived to the venue, watching the show with wide eyes.

Another one of the lights flashes over the strip, crackling with artificial pink and blue fireworks. Kodelyn had been pleasantly surprised, they weren’t nearly as loud as she’d thought they’d be, but just as bright. It seemed to be part of one of the nearby establishment’s routines for the weekend crowd, Kallan had just managed to catch it a few hours prior to them lighting it.

Her excitement was infectious. It’s a little odd, seeing her own face brightly smile in a way she knew she hadn’t in years. Seeing anything flying over head that weren’t bullets was...probably a new experience for her. When she’d said blank slate, Kodelyn hadn’t taken it as seriously as she should have.

She nudges the other woman’s shoulder with her own during intermission, “Good view, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Better than good.” She pulls her jacket tighter around her, turning to face her, “I’ve...never had the chance to see something like this.”

Then she was right. Kodelyn prods the question, “How much of the galaxy have you seen, Kallan?”

Like a wilted flower, the question makes her expression fall, “Not much. The strip, the archives...even the Normandy. All new places in the last couple of months. Before then, I’d never been off the station where they woke me up.”

Kodelyn feels like she’s understandably stunned, “You’ve never been to the Citadel before?”

Kallan is silent for a few moments, other pedestrians passing behind them, “I’ve been cooped up in a Cerberus facility for most of the time I’ve been alive. Brooks kept me there, taught me what I needed to know. Walking, talking, learning how to exist. There wasn’t time for vids or games or whatever else, I was learning how to be you. I’m probably the most mal-adjusted thirty year old to ever exist, to be entirely honest.”

She isn’t sure how to answer that. Her clone was mature, probably recreated with similar neural pathways to put her right at the mental age of thirty, but her memories aren’t there. They aren’t her’s, and she’s...

Still a person. A person with no idea of friendship, comradery, even love. If she did, it was probably skewed by Brook’s treatment of her.

“I’m sorry.”

Kallan raises an eyebrow, “Why? It isn’t as if you were the one that created me.”

“No. But...” What answer even is there? She feels a bit guilty, as if there was something she could’ve done or should’ve done to prevent what’d happened, but there isn’t anything she can think of short of not coming back at all, “It’s not fair what happened to you.”

“I don’t think fair mattered when they woke me up.” Another lightwork goes off, the crowd roaring with excitement. Kallan’s expression lifts into something more wistful while the green lights plays with the shadows on her face, “I don’t have childhood memories, and sometimes I don’t know where you end and I begin.”

“You’re your own person now, Kallan. You’re free to do whatever you want now.”

“I’ve never known true freedom.” The other woman leans against the railing again, rocking back and forth on her heels, “To be entirely honest, I’m not sure what to do with it. It goes against everything I was trained to do.”

“Nothing wrong with breaking a few boundaries.”

“Maybe so.” Kallan says. She gently pulls at the hair on her head, “That freedom does spell something other than looking exactly the same as you now.”

“Got any ideas on what you’ll do?”

“Nothing yet. Lawson -- Miranda, she suggested a new hair color. EDI suggested something far more drastic, but I’m not partial to artificial eye colors. Or tattoos.” Kallan says, softly smiling, “Red maybe. Or blue. Or maybe I should shave it all off. If I had any credits, I might buy something that’s not black or Alliance blue.”

“I’ll see what I can do about it. I don’t have many of my own I can offer you, but I’ll transfer over some funds.”

“Oh.” Her surprise is genuine, yet the idea seems to please her, “That’s very kind of you.”

“It’s the least I could do. I wouldn’t toss you to the wolves like that for fun.”

“I suppose I should think more highly of you.” Kallan tilts her head skyward, “Regardless, I should actually be thanking you for what you’ve already done for me.”

“I’d think I’d be one of the last people you’re thanking.”

“I’d be spattered somewhere in the wards if you hadn’t stopped to help. If you’d let me go.” Kallan says, “If the roles were reversed, I don’t think I could have done that. You’re a good person, Shepard. Guess I wish I was too.”

“Well, you didn’t take the opportunity to kill me in my sleep last night. I think that’s a step in the right direction.”

Kallan chuckles, “That’s only because Alenko would have noticed.” Seeing Kodelyn’s stunned expression she crookedly grins, “But you’re right. If I wanted to, I would have.”

“Kallan, I’m not sure how to take that. You did try to kill me, on my own ship. Only a few days ago.”

“I’m serious, believe it or not. If I killed you, I’d be blamed, and then where would we be? It wouldn’t benefit me at all.” She shrugs. Her voice gets softer, “I wouldn’t want to kill the only person who’s shown me any real respect.”

“Yeah. I trust you won’t try anything against me, and hopefully not my crew either.”

“It’d be the same outcome. I might not have your mind, but I am smarter than that.” She steps away from the railing, glancing around at the people nearby, “Fun how I’m only discovering this side of life at the end of the world as we know it.”

Lightworks crackle above their heads, bathing them in white light speckled with red. Kodelyn puts a hand on her shoulder, “Better late than never.”

[melmothblog]

Ask Responses

A compilation��of responses to the questions that came through Ask recently. Thank you for asking.

This is probably a stupid question idk but whenever I watch rehearsal or class vids the teacher often says something that sounds like "voltag" (I'm sure that's spelled wrong) and I was wondering what it meant? It's often yelled or said with authority. I thought I read somewhere it meant like "there!" but I'm not sure. Also what about "ee" or "ee russ" (also probably spelled wrong lol) is it like "and.." as in counting?

This question made me laugh. I couldn’t understand what you meant, so I had to sound the words out to try and figure it out. So I just sat here, making random noises. 

“Voltag” is actually “vot tak”, which means “like this”. It’s usually used as affirmation that the students is doing something correctly, or to accompany a demonstration. You’re right about the second one though: “ee russ” means “and one...”.

Do you know what year Arina Tomilina (BBA) is in?

I think she’s Stanislava Postnova’s classmate (which will make her a soon-to-be graduate), but I’m not sure.

Who are the best students in the 6/I year group?

Hard to tell. I don’t think there is just one student who’s clearly ahead of the pack, and things change pretty quickly anyway. Personally, I’m keeping my eye on Sevenard and Savelieva.

Do you know what brand or type of ballet slippers the (vaganova) girls wear?

I don’t. I once read an official statement by VBA that said that their students don’t wear Gaynors, but their students do wear Gaynors, so I don’t know what to believe. I think they wear whatever their parents can afford.

Does Nikolai Tsiskaridze have a reputation for being a foodie? In some of his interviews it comes across as such.

He certainly talks about food a lot, and has proclaimed his love for fried potatoes (Russian style) and chocolate many times. Which probably explains why his weight has yo-yoed so much since he retired. Last I heard, he’s given up meet, and that apparently helps him keep him relatively slim.

Is the VBA school year September 1st to June 30th?

Academic year starts on September the 1st.

What do you think makes a great ballet teacher?

That’s a good question. I feel that before I answer, a disclaimer is necessary: I’m not a dancer. I took ballet for a brief time when I was 6 or 7 (at the insistence of my mother) and hated it. The teacher was a former professional ballerina and she was very mean. But I vaguely remember being put in the centre of the class and barre, and given solos during our little shows, so I must have been ok... Anyway, I digress. I’m feeling very retrospective for some reason.

A good teacher should, first and foremost, have a natural predisposition to teaching ballet. A great dancer will not necessarily make a great teacher. They must possess excellent memory and an exhaustive knowledge of ballet history. They must be tough but, at the same time, devoted to their students and their wellbeing. They must be selfless. There is nothing worse than a teacher who is jealous of their student. They must be able to work and get results out of both the strongest and the weakest student in their class. They must seek to help their students grow not only as dancers but as human beings.

Speaking of wanting Mariinsky to jump on the cinema screening bandwagon, it's curious that they never participate in World Ballet Day either. Bolshoi does, as do other major companies so why not Mariinsky? Save for that one broadcast with Katya Kondaurova in Swan Lake back in 2013 they haven't done anything else. What's up with that?

Sorry, I have no idea. I’ve been trying to find the answer to that question myself. 

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