#a lot is changing in my personal life so i’ve been doodling hyperfixes from like high school

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redraw of this old post from like, four years ago

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just thinking about how I don’t actually know what I want to do and I know people say that’s ok but it would be really nice to know!!

going into art feels like a waste of my academic strengths and going into science feels like a waste of my art abilities

part of the reason i’m going for animation is like way back in middle school i got set on it as the Only Career I Could Be Happy In because it involved cartoons and i literally did not give a shit about anything else because i was kind of a mess

and throughout my life even when i’ve suddenly jumped the hyperfixation train i’ve always been drawing, even when I changed my mind on other subjects or careers i’ve always enjoyed art. i’m so terrified that i might get into college and then suddenly not care about what i’m studying, or realize it’s not a field i want to go into. something art related seems like the most dependable thing. but even that I keep doubting now!!

and my opinions on college keep swinging from “so much independence! you get to grow as a person and learn a lot abt really interesting things!” to “what if the curriculum isn’t challenging at all and it’s all fake it doesn’t seem plausible that i could ever create or do the stuff they’re showing here. what if they teach nothing that’s useful for a job and then i don’t know what to do with my life” like wtf

for a while last year I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do chemistry research or animation, and I got to do an internship at a research lab. But the project felt so far removed from the real world and whether it ever amounted to anything meaningful was such a long shot that i went “damn is this what research is really like :/” i want to do something important!! that affects people!! don’t get me wrong i love science and learning about how everything works it’s always been my fav subject but after a whole day of sitting by some instruments pipetting stuff and waiting for results to come back i was like Im Going to Die if i do not doodle or look at something visually stimulating

I mean they definitely both have the capability of being :// jobs because on the one hand you could be doing research that never amounts to anything and is really just repetitive stuff and on the other hand you could be doing the grunt work of inbetweening frames and revising other people’s storyboards

but at least with a meh animation job i’d still be working on a Project that has a story to be passionate about and a tangible end where there’d be something people enjoy and i could be like “i helped make that!!”

also i feel so bad for literally getting to work at a chemistry research lab and just being like “nah it wasnt interesting enough for me :)” because its so cool that i got to do that!! but also i don’t know what it would be like working in other areas of science and if it would be more engaging for me or if it would all be like that. idk whats in my head or why but i just constantly am overwhelmed with this feeling that nothing i do in life will be fulfilling or important and that careers and work will inevitably be terrible! i want to do something that benefits people and technically making art does that because it makes people happy but! i still get that feeling of This Is Worthless! which is silly because there’s so many people and the world is so large and in general i think that as long as you find something you’re passionate about and are kind and vote then you’re good. adulthood just feels so overwhelming and i don’t know how to process it in a way that makes sense and doesn’t seem bad.