#a lesbian was bigoted (thanks TRAs for that one)

[wild-wombytch]

Healthy anxiety coping mechanism ✅:

using the sophrology exercises I learnt today before tackling the call with my brother

My toxic chosen anxiety coping mechanism 😈 :

Sending a seething reply with thinly veiled threats to my ex harassing me/being creepy + filling it with radfem propaganda before having a 1min monologue with my brother's voicemail

[hard--headed--woman]

Hi, sorry to bother you- how did you talk to your family about radfem principles? My mom is a liberal feminist. Particularly on the trans rights issue, I don't know how to feel anymore. One of my friends was significantly more happy when they came out as trans, and so I feel like I see the 'mental health' aspect before my own eyes. I think none of the trans people I know would ever be a danger to women in bathrooms, either. But that being said, I've never had a feminine feeling in my life and I don't think I'm non-binary either (although maybe the knowledge that I'm not is the self-identification??). I think maybe the difference between a gnc woman and a trans man is just profound discomfort with your body from a young age, and maybe then it can be appropriate to live as a woman. But I also don't think lesbians should be shamed for not wanting to have sex with a trans woman either. I'm very stuck at this point and I'd like to talk to my mom about it without looking like a bigot (but if you have any of your own comments to add on this ideological tension please give them).

Hello! I'm glad you came to talk to me about it. I'll try my best to help you, you can send me another ask if you have something to add after that!

I guess it was easier for me since my mom (this amazing woman) shares many of my radfem beliefs. I wouldn't call her a radfem because she's not involved in activism and still disagrees with some radfems ideas, but she agrees with me on trans/gender issues (in the radfem way, not the conservative way), prostitution, porn, and a lot of other things. She has always supported JK Rowling, criticized gender ideology, etc. So when I realized I was gender critical, I just started to talk about it with her and there was nothing complicated. I don't talk about it with my dad, because he's anti gender too but I know we would end up disagreeing and arguing over many gender critical subjects.

The only person I kind of had to introduce my ideas too is my little sister. She has a lot of radfem beliefs, and is critical of a lot of things about gender ideology (she doesn't think lesbians can like trans women for example) so it was easier too, but I still have to be careful because she is still pro trans. To be able to talk about it with her, I just randomly started to ask questions about gender, transgenderism, gender ideology, etc. I would ask her why we should allow trans women in our bathrooms, why was it considered ok to allow kids to transition, why made a trans woman/man a woman/man, etc... And it leads us to conversations, debates, which can be very interesting !

The reason why I say that is because I think that's the best way to start talking about gender ideology/radical feminism with someone who's a TRA/libfem. You can calmly ask questions, say some facts, or innocent sentences. "Calmly" is very important, talk about it like it's just a random conversation and you're just genuinely curious, not like you want to argue. They probably won't think you're a bigot if you just seem genuinely interested and ready to keep the chat friendly, and the debate will be much more pleasant and interesting.

Sometimes (many of my friends) people start agreeing with radical feminism/gender critical feminism thanks to these debates, or they at least learn about the awful sides of their ideology and start to stand up against these, and that's very important ! I feel like we should all have more conversations aboutit with our family, friends...

For the rest, well, I am a GNC lesbian (not out to my family) and I think there's no objective difference between a trans man and a lesbian/GNC woman/ or just woman. There are no criterias, it's just a choice. You decide if you want to identify as trans or not.

Which means women can feel profound discomfort with their bodies, having gender dysphoria, hating being lesbians, etc... without identifying as trans. Some women identify as trans men without feeling any of this. There are no rules. Being trans is nothing but a choice.

What makes you a woman or a man is your biological sex. That's why lesbians can't like trans women - trans women are men.

And to finish this, I believe that yes, at first it can feel better to come out as trans but I don't feel like it really last. At the beginning, yeah, but I think then it makes things worse, because you realize that you will never really be a woman/man no matter how hard you try. Nothing will never be enough. And for trans people, this idea and feeling can be hard to handle. Just my opinion, of course !

Anyway, I don't know your mom, but I think you could just start asking questions, giving your opinion when she replies, calmly, or even play dumb - that works everytime. See where the conversation go then, and you might be able to talk about everything after that.

My box is open of you have other things to say <3

[tirfpikachu]

hey okay gyns i wasn't going to say anything, but as a detrans woman who was severely dysphoric for like, 12-13 years, until it somehow dissipated, and as a girl with a fuckton of trans/dysphoric & detrans friends, the way radblr is reacting to this & similar interactions hurts.

this is actually another extremely unnecessary snarky addition to a very good post, and it's honestly so predictably cruel of radblr to a downright pathetic extent. i keep seeing the edgy meanfem persona come out of y'all, something that i know is so easy to cultivate in radfem spaces when it comes to trans issues. i know how easy it can be to start seeing them all in bad faith when everything you consume day in and day out is the very worst of the trans community. it's easy to forget that they still have unique struggles, struggles that i lived through. you don't understand the unbearable breakdowns, some life-threatening, that i had back when i was severely dysphoric. if you wouldn't purposefully trigger someone with OCD or psychosis, don't fucking do this to someone with dysphoria on purpose. especially not as a sassy clapback or whatever this is supposed to be. i know radblr is full of ableism, and apathy towards trans & disabled people, but honestly i see this kind of behavior getting worse and worse.

you shouldn't try to mock gnc & dysphoric people out of being gnc & dysphoric. you cannot talk someone out of having a debilitating condition including dysphoria. i thought we knew you can't bully someone out of having symptoms by now, in large part thanks to the work mentally ill, disabled and neurodivergent activists. and you don't get to be shitty to gnc people, trans included, and get a free pass because they're doing it in a way you find cringe. trans people can be so easy for the "rudefems" of radblr to mock and scoff at, especially when they constantly see all the misogyny & homophobia that mainstream qweer activists throw at us in the wackiest ways. but this wasn't a normie tra bigot just now. this was just some guy actually doing the type of activism we want to see from the trans crowd. it's him saying hey, actually, fuck you if you think being transmasc and being a lesbian are incompatible! there's this long beautiful complex history of transmasc lesbians behind us. fuck you if you assume that just because someone is afab/female and dysphoric they can't possibly seek out a community of people who are also only into women & nonbinary people. we want to see transmasc people making jokes about getting more trans men into their lesbian army, or transfem people still feeling at home in gay male spaces.

i often make the moral mistake of scrolling past bad faith takes from radfems, but this one hits pretty damn hard. we can do better. on behalf of radfems who are on the tirfy & nuanced side, i'm sorry op.

um, actually yes, trans men can and will be lesbians. and each time you complain about them 3 (three) more trans men convert to lesbianism

[myopicry]

Reading your responses like a morning newspaper teehee

Tysm for all of the praise/compliments aaaaaa! >\\\< I'm incapable of explaining things in a short and concise way so I'm really glad that you see so much value in the way I explain things and just generally the points I bring up! Thank you, myo!! Also, you should cut yourself some slack, I may not know you personally but you seem like a chill person. I radblr and the general tumblr website tbh you're quite nuanced, patient and someone who overall tries to sympathise with others compared to many users from what I've seen. And your writing isn't that bad, I understand it at least. Or maybe it's 2 rambly people understanding each other bc we are alike idk :p (clown to clown communication)

Definetely take me up on my offer! I won't judge you for whatever you choose to share nor how, and I'd be very happy to help even just a little bit :]

I like how you explained things BTW! It made me think about once again how I went from finding the tra (is that the term to use here?) label of lesbian/sapphic more inclusive and progressive and poetic and yada yada to now just going "uuuuuuh I'm just into female bodies I dunno mate lol". A majority of my friends are trans or cis but very trans positive (I think I mentioned this in the past??) so I think ever since my views have shifted slightly I avoid talking about my orientation. I don't think they'll dog pile me for using the wrong words or whatever, they're not like that and I'm sure they wouldn't care much, but it does feel alienating to basically have different definitions for something so important(?)

They're also a lot (and I mean A LOT) more into the "lgbt culture" stuff (online inside jokes pretty much I suppose) meanwhile I've distanced myself from that so it adds to another level of discomfort despite us finding a lot of solidarity in each other as a bunch of queer people. Also, I'm someone who LOVES talking about these sorts of things and am a big fan of debating (guilty pleasures 😔) so my little heart is sad to have such restrictions. Womp womp

This also made me think of my younger sister, she's still a kid and doesn't know much about queer things but she has some basics down I suppose. Once my parents and I were joking about match making me with a lesbian non binary (afab) friend and my sister protested that I couldn't possibly be attracted to them because I'm into girls and they're not one. For the first time I didn't know what to tell her. I guess normally I would've explained to her that "lesbians can like enbies bc they're not men" but I also don't believe in gender anymore an things working that way. But I couldn't tell her "I don't think gender exists and that that factors into my attraction rlly" bc then I'd have to explain a perspective very different form what she knows so far and would then have to explain to my parents why my views changed and it's exhausting just to write about LMAO.

All of this more anecdotal and less "proper discussion about social stuff and politics" talk to say labels are indeed silly these days and I'm kind of resenting how my change in views makes me happier about multiple aspects of my life but subsequently isolates me and puts me in difficult positions at times. Makes me a bit worried about my prospects in terms of romantic partners lol, though I'd imagine once you go out actually looking for people, they're a lot more chill and willing to disagree on things but also understand your intentions and let it be that and won't call you a bigot TwT (I hope I'm not coming off as trying to call myself a martyr LMAO)

I guess that segways into the fact that I'm therefore happy to have found your blog where I feel like I can barf out my thoughts and hit send on the inbox and get a valuable response and pleasant conversation from someone on here lol

AAAAAA THIS IS TOO MUCH WORD VOMIT I will now eclipse myself and hope for the best! Bai!!!

~🪼

thank you for all the nice words :0 my ego has never been fed so well !! I am a bit too harsh on myself but I consider it part of the job of what I do on this blog...using social media in a non-self aggrandizing way is always my goal, and I also find translating the impulse to self-deprecate into small bits of snarky reflection in my writing a much better alternative to saying it out loud in real life and making everyone around me uncomfortable lolol

but enough about me! I really just wanted to highlight a part of your message, the part about how some of your new changes in view makes you happier in some aspects of life but it makes a lot of new problems. that's literally so real. in a way, it's like I've been able to see the world in a clearer, less filtered view once I let go of held biases and focused more on reality, but it really really is tough trying to talk to people who still have those mental filters (for better or for worse).

hence, the existence of this blog for me lmao. it really is just the consequence of my desire to air out my observations that people in talk to in real life simply wouldn't understand, and I feel like I say this a lot, but I am truly so delighted that literally any other person can even get something valuable out of this for themselves! it proves that I guess we're really not alone out here in this kinda fucked up world, which is so relieving to know after coming to revelations how you're essentially the minority of a minority and every new complex thought you have propelling you towards actualization is also quickly shrinking the pool of other people who you can truly trust or those who will actually understand you. it is genuinely very nice to know that there's even at least just one person who can relate to a shared experience! one of the nicest benefits of the internet (among a sea of downsides lmao)

the dating thing also hits home a little too hard lolol, even though I swear I won't get into a relationship until I can actually be a decent partner, it sure is lonely sometimes and i can't help but think about it anyways, and man oh man does the dating pool (in my area) get smaller and smaller as I think about it...

but as you say, most people are understanding and honestly, even when you come at something from a different perspective, I find most people who value progress and kindness and understanding do fundamentally agree to some extent with what I also believe. in a way, because some notions about the world (specifically in feminism too) are just undeniable, and a lot of experiences (especially shared within afab people) just sort of make people subconsciously aware of certain truths. so, hopefully, wishing well-read, feminist, nuanced, and compassionately curious girlfriends for the both of us lolol !!

[rantingcrocodile]

Thank you for standing up for bisexuals ❤️❤️❤️ I know lesbians have to put up with some homophobic and idiotic bi women but it's insane how in the same breath some lesbians will be incredibly biphobic, speaking over us as if they know what it's like to be bi. Like we're just watered down lesbians or straight people looking to prey on them. Makes me sad. We need bi+lesbian women solidarity but honestly as a bi woman I wish some lesbians would actually listen to our experiences as well instead of acting like an authority on same sex attraction.

I always will. Someone has to do it, and hopefully it encourages other bisexuals (women mostly, but men too!) to stand up for themselves, too. I was a doormat for a while and my self-hatred lead me to the worst place, and I refuse to sit by and let others go through what I went through.

What I hate the most is that there's this focus on "but I can't be an oppressor so it isn't oppression from me and so it doesn't matter, and because I'm oppressed, that means that you can't be."

Straight people are the only ones not oppressed for their sexuality. Straight is the default. Straight is what's "right," according to our oppressors. Any deviation from heterosexuality is suppressed, abused, erased, hated, stereotyped, all because our oppressors don't want us to exist.

Gay men cannot oppress lesbians based on homophobia, but any gay man who spreads homophobia about lesbians is still a homophobe (specifically a lesbophobe) and should still always be called out and held to account for that homophobia. Just because he isn't part of the oppressor class in that specific situation doesn't mean that the homophobia is somehow "fine." Just because he might have bad experiences with lesbians, that wouldn't make it "fine" either. It's always wrong.

The same goes for biphobic lesbians and homophobic bisexuals. Neither are oppressors, neither oppresses the other, but when they're being bigoted towards each other, they're both siding with the straight oppressors that hate them both. They're fracturing us and harming us all.

Solidarity between lesbians and bisexual women is important. Lesbians are only experts in their own experience. Bisexuals are only experts in our own experience. There needs to be more understanding from both sides and an end to the "oppression is a competition" TRA mentality in this space. It's damaging and, quite frankly, false. More than anything else, attacks from either side are only supporting the very same people that oppress us both.

[killyourlocalmisogynist]

Forgive us for not pitying the poor widdle bisexuals for their plight of "not straight enough to be straight, not gay enough to be gay :((((" How the fuck is lesbianism "safer" or treated better than them in any way? It's common knowledge that we're the most intensely hated portion of the LGBTQA+ alphabet soup, because we are the only ones who are not attracted to men whatsoever. Even our own "community" (both many self declared "lesbians" as well as the broader LGBTQA+) regards us as inherently bigoted, untrustworthy, more likely to be abusive, and thus deserving of vile hatred, to say nothing of how conservative straight people treat us. I wish I was bi so I wouldn't have to put up with such vile hatred and oppression from literally every other demographic (with the exception of a few gay men perhaps but even they can still be lesbophobic). I'm not saying bi people don't face their own issues, but pretending that lesbians "have it better" is the most asinine thing I've ever heard.

thank you anon took the words right out my mouth. gay people have been most affected by all this tra nonsense, literally every political side of anything hates us. bisexuals hold privilege over us i am done with them pretending they don’t and acting like majority of them aren’t homophobic as shit because they are.

[whoneedssexed]

I apologise in advance, I’m not totally sure I’ll be able to convey what I mean. I’m 17 and as much as I’m aware that finding a partner is not a race and doesn’t need to be rushed but I’d really love to have a girlfriend and obviously that in and of itself just sounds entitled and that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that many of my friends around me have partners and are sexually active and one of them is even hoping to marry their partner some day. I just really feel behind and not only that

Pt.2 but I feel like any kind of relationship with me is either impossible or forever away, I’m a pre-everything trans girl who currently doesn’t have a lot of prospects in her life. I like girls and all I ever see online is how trans women are invading lesbian spaces and are endangering cis women, I know it’s feet rhetoric but it weasels it’s way into the mind. The last time I was in a relationship it was the happiest time of my life, I’m careful not to conflate the two things as I know that

Pt. 3 it is not likely they’re causal of one another but I can’t help feeling like my life would be lighter with someone I could be intimate with. I just feel like I’m never going to have someone to love and I know virginity is a rubbish concept but for lack of a better term I’m also worried I’m going to be a virgin until I die, it seems as though most of my friends have had sex and again I know it’s not a race but I still feel as though on some level I should’ve as well. I’d really like to

Pt. 4 as well, it seems like such an amazing thing but I feel bad for thinking that because I read a lot online about how rank trans women are for having sexual desires, especially toward women and I know it would trigger my dysphoria but nonetheless I’d really like to be at that stage in my life and I just feel as though I’m never going to be there. Sorry for talking for so long, I just figured you might have some useful insight. Thank you so much, I hope you’re all well

Wanting to have a girlfriend is not entitled at all. Most people desire companionship. It's normal and natural.

You're right, it's not a race, and a lot of your friends thinking they'll marry their partners now are unlikely to actually do that. This is an unstable point in time for you all so don't feel bad or "behind" when things are exactly the same between you and others.

There are so many trans girls and women who have long, happy relationships, get married, even have kids. It's not a completely bleak outlook. Unfortunately, bigots are very loud online, and some statistics look very scary, but the reality is that these bigots are only loud online because that's the few open spaces that they don't get chased out.

And looking at bigots all day long and the hatred they spew, as well as the negative statistics for your group, will not do good for your mental health. You are so young. Already the world has changed drastically, and it will change more as you grow. Things are much better and more accurate than they were before. It's a slow pace, don't get me wrong, but it's still monumental.

A lot of people feel their best when in a relationship, and it's okay for you to believe your relationship contributed to that happiest time in your life. The load is lighter when we have someone to share it with. For some people, that means they want a relationship.

The average age people begin having sex is actually the late teen years, 18 if we insist on a single number rather than a range. And it's actually very common for transgender persons to be 18+ when they start. So you are by far not behind at all! Just because your friends have started younger, doesn't mean YOU have to, or that you're behind. You want to know a secret? I was 20 or 21 when *I* first had sex.

I'll say it again, you are very young. You do not have to worry about being a virgin forever. You've seriously only lived around 1/6 of your lifetime. You have so many years before you to be able to explore all of this.

Plenty of trans people have and enjoy sex, including with cis people. Please, ignore what bigots are saying online. They are not just wrong, they're not that many. There are so many people out there who really don't care about your being transgender, who would not at all be perturbed by that news and would continue to love you.

Do not get so caught up in virginity and sex that you impulsively pursue it. Having sex for the sake of "catching up" will not end well. Get all these thoughts out of your head. You are a normal person, you are not behind, you "should not" have already had sex (not saying people who do are bad but that you have not failed a requirement!), and you will have sex when the best time comes. Wait for it patiently, like a stubborn rose bush. Trying to rush things will leave you unhappy and regretful.

- mod BP

[rantingcrocodile]

One of the reasons that I really dislike the "radical feminist checklist" that women look at and think, "I recognise that women are oppressed based on our sex and I'm against porn and prostitution and surrogacy and anti-TRA and anti-capitalism (etc), that makes me a radfem!" and then don't do any more work or learning to treat it like an identity label, where all the personality you need is nothing more than "hates men." 

That's not being a radical feminist. That's agreeing with some parts of the ideology, reblogging the "right things" from the "right bloggers" and then feeling self-satisfied and self-righteous and doing nothing at all to combat internalised misogyny aside from maybe stopping shaving and stopping wearing makeup. There's no evolution of personal principles, because holding radical feminist principles and sticking to them is really hard work.

The women that actively work against us? You have to remember that they’re acting the way they are thanks to the influence of the patriarchy and female socialisation, so hating them for that is anti-feminist. They need to be liberated too. 

We need to start, as feminists, by focusing on misogyny in general, which benefits no one but women, and that’s why men will do everything that they can to silence us, shut us down, spread lies and gaslight etc. 

The problem is that although there was a deliberate defanging of feminism to say it was “for everyone” to stop us fighting generally against our sex-based oppression... feminism is actually something that will benefit men in the long run, too, and not a lot of “feminists” today recognise that.

Black women face the unique intersection of misogyny and anti-blackness. How can they ever be liberated as women until racism is fought against, when a big part of the misogyny they face is specifically anti-black misogyny? Fighting that racism to liberate black women will also liberate black men, because you can’t even hypothetically end racism solely for women, it has to be ended entirely.

Disabled women? That’s the unique intersection of misogyny and ableism. How can they ever be liberated as women until ableism is fought against? Ending ableism benefits disabled men, too.

The fates of bisexual women and lesbians are tied together with the fates of gay men, because sexuality-based oppression from straight people is always tied together, even though it manifests in different ways. 

There are so many different axes of oppression that different women face and that’s exactly why, outside of the patriarchy and internalised misogyny working against us, feminism is so difficult. Women first, but our eventual work has to liberate men who share the same axes of oppression as women do, because if we don’t, women will never be completely liberated.

So when “radfems/aligned” talk about wanting to “liberate all women,” that isn’t just a catchy slogan to repeat and not think about. It’s a complicated, painful set of understandings and realisations. It’s also far too much for any single feminist to fight against. 

What’s important for those realisations is to understand that it’s good for individual feminists to focus on a specific topic within feminism. Black women prioritising the oppression of black women is good. Lesbians prioritising the oppression of lesbians is good. Poor women prioritising the oppression of poor women is good. Any women who prioritise a specific group of women are doing good.

The key in all of that is to work together. When we understand and respect that each of us has our own different priority, recognise that that isn’t saying “other groups of women don’t matter.” It just means that we have our focus, but every other woman is our sister. Any active hatred from one group of women to another is anti-feminist. Being racist, homophobic, biphobic, ableist, classist or any other kind of bigot is anti-feminist.

Stop thinking that a quick checked box of “I’m anti-porn, too!” makes a radical feminist. Those stances are also important in feminism, but they’re the barest of bones.

Allying yourself with other women, loving other women, supporting other women, that is feminism.