#a gremlin with anxiety talks about their perception of fears

[somedudenamedruiz]

I've decided that I am going to start posting my ramblings and thoughts about each of the fears and how they correlate to my own experiences lol.

First up,

The Vast

So. When I first got into The Magnus Archives, I didn't immediately really click with the vast like I did some of the others. None of the episodes involving it really tickled that uncomfortable nerve for a while.

The less literal parts of it never really bothered me. I dont have much issue with feeling inconsequential. That's kinda just life to me? I gotta find meaning in the small things, not the big. The big is too vast of a scope. >;P And truly, I don't feel I have the best perception of size even. I could not give you an accurate guess of something about a mile long, because I cant really process that for whatever reason.

However, then I thought about it more. Things that aren't particularly comprehensible in their size, don't bother me. Because it is outside my comprehension. Space, the ocean, the sky, planets. You don't really have an actual gauge for things like that.

BUT. When I didn't previously have an accurate gauge of somethings size, then am confronted physically with it? THAT causes a deep discomfort in me.

Especially manmade things. I've had things like particular cloud formations that I can't think to hard about, a whale skeleton, or just moose as something that exists cause that discomfort. But never quite as much as say, a single wind turbine propeller being carried by a massive train car. The sheer size of those gargantuan cranes and construction equipment. Massive ships. Boat CHAINS that are thicker than I am tall. OCEAN OIL RIGS.

THAT crap makes me feel real unease. Because you just don't really realize the size of those things until your standing next to it, and it just makes you look like a speck.

[dumbdotcomm]

a little luck and some frogs

(a/n) the iconic @pricklydapper​ drew this amazing piece for me of Mikey and Raph and I just had to write a angst/fluff one-shot for it!!!

//

There’s a still and a quiet that comes with rain, gentle and slow and lulling. They haven’t had quiet in so long, it seems; it feels like days blend into one another, new paths unlocked in their destinies or whatever.

Sometimes Raph would just like to stop. Go back to being that 15 year old kid living below Queens, having nothing but his tight knit family and a lair game tournament to worry about.

They’ve been firing on all cylinders for days, and god he’s just tired, overstimulated and definitely in need of, like, a detox or something- Leo and April go on about those kinds of things. Maybe he’ll give that a try.

But even as the days pass, long long after they’ve settled back into home and dealing with low-level crime, Raph still can’t really relax. Not in the way that lasts. He’s always looking, anticipating the moment their relative peace will elude them, and the next thing he’ll know is they’ll be miles high, falling from a building, pushing and pushing to catch one another- or at the docks watching his brother get torn apart.

Raph feels like he’s gonna hurl and he does, nothing but last night’s dinner and severe anxiety spilling out from him.

It’s gross and embarrassing and Raph knows it’s nothing he can control; the little helpful part of his brain is reassuring that way. But it was easier to feel so panicky when everyone else was still reeling from the fight.

Leo’s got his detoxing with April, Mikey’s gone off and found Draxum to rehabilitate for god knows what reason, and Donnie’s regulated his sleeping cycle again and he’s gone back to shittalking and watching gophers on Youtube so- he’s okay.

Everyone’s okay…. except for Raph.

But maybe what Raph doesn’t know is that the somewhat okay thing about it, the silver-ish lining in all of it is- even if he’s feeling alone… he’s not. He never is. And Raph has always hated his panic-stink but maybe it’s doing him some good, because he brothers are attentive, and Mikey’s especially perceptive.

It’s why, on this languid, rainy ass day, Mikey barges into Raph’s room with a shopping bag from Old Navy. How he got to, and inside, and outside of Old Navy, Raph doesn’t really have to wonder (humans were so funny in ignoring obvious things, it made raph wonder why mutants stayed hidden anyway).

But Mikey’s got a grin that stretches a mile wide and is pretty contagious, as he struts into the room after having stood in the entrance in that weird ‘younger sibling is now here to bother you’ stance.

“Whaaat are we doing…?” Raph asks cautiously, but can’t hide his own growing smile the longer Mikey beams.

He says ‘we’ because there’s always a ‘we’ in these types of situations, and he’d rather just include himself now off the bat.

“Glad’ja asked,” Mikey says, and dumps the Old Navy bag out of Raph’s bed, “Behold….the best freakin’ things ever.”

And woah- they kinda are the best freaking things ever. Practically see-through jackets with-

“No way! Mikey!” Raph clutches his- he already knows it’s his by the size, extra huge and all, “Bro this-? Is pretty sick. How’d you even get it this big?!”

The thing about them and clothes is: Leo, Donnie and Mikey are all, at least, human people sizes. It’s easy for them to snag just about anything, even some of April’s old stuff fits them. Hell, Leo could fit into Dad’s old suit. And that luxury was kinda foreign to Raph.

Humans barely even made enough fashionable clothes for all of their people- and Raph was kind of outside of that caliber.

He’s kinda getting teary eyed, but, like, who wouldn’t, and Mikey’s already slipping into his own coat, see-through and speckled with little oranges.

“Eh, it’s no biggie,” he sniffs, shrugging the jacket on the rest of the way (it’s totally a biggie), “I kinda...customized ‘em. They were havin’ this special, and I thought ‘screw it baby, we need raincoats’!”

And, careful of his strength, Raph goes for a hug that he knows Mikey was anticipating anyway, with the force that he hugs back and all. Raph doesn’t really need to say anything, but his warbly thank you to Mikey is just a fraction of the depth of emotion he feels now.

It’s funny, silly maybe, because this doesn’t erase the threat of a bigger fight, a worse enemy lurking in the shadows to trip them up- it’s just a custom made see-through raincoat with Raph’s favorite fruit, adorable little strawberries, on it.

And yet he feels indescribably lighter than he’s felt in weeks.

“I figured we could do some adventuring, and I gotta cooks tonight so…”

Mikey wriggles his brow ridge, and Raph can’t help but, like, wanna combust from this surge of excitement and normalcy that he hasn’t felt in too long.

“Trip to Katagiri, hell yes!”

/////

The nice thing about rain in the city is, even though traffic is all the same, and people are still moving around, the sky gets dark enough from the clouds that the lights kinda shine prematurely. The streetlamps come on with a dim, orangey light, and with the autumn leaves mixed with green ones still clinging on, it was just so peaceful.

No one, again, seems to care that two turtles are walking down Lexington, and one couple briskly compliments their jackets and so that’s a plus.

Mikey compliments the one girl’s hair, shaved with hearts dyed into her scalp, and Raph can only appreciate that his brother is so well-spoken- that he just is so natural and confident out here.

That he doesn’t worry.

Raph remembers his first time topside, and how his fear led him into the state of consciousness that he hates to be in- where he’s on all instinct and fear and nothing else.

It’s gotten better since then, but the unease still lingers all these years. Raph wonders if he’ll get rid of it all the way.

Donnie realistically told him he might not, but that all he has to do is count to ten and back again, look around, find something to focus on- something ordinary or something great, and cling to it till he can convince his body and mind that he’s safe- that things will return to normal in a sec.

And right now, Raph keeps his eyes locked on his brother’s feet, as they pound the sidewalk, making little splashes in rain water.

As he’s watching, a frog of all things, just hops along the sidewalk, right at Raph’s feet. It makes him halt, because....maybe it’s coincidental or maybe Raph’s reading too into it, but Mikey turns around too, sees the frog that Raph stoops beside, and smiles in soft understanding.

It’s an omen of some sorts, Dad always said so. Of good luck, and of things returning.

Raph breathes out a laugh, shaking his head.

Just as quickly as the frog comes, it hops away, and Raph stands, still a bit speechless, still kinda processing the meaning behind what just happened, desperately wanting to cling to it meaning good fortune.

He doesn’t wanna worry his brother though, and so he thinks of something to joke or talk about as they start to walk again, only for Mikey to beat him to it.

“I never told you thanks,” he says, gently, like he’s been reading Raph’s aura. Maybe he has.

And somehow Raph already knows what he’s thanking him for, but decides within himself that Mikey really, really shouldn’t. He was just doing his job. He tells Mikey this breezily, with a soft smile.

“Bullshit,” Mikey snaps back, but only because he knows Raphael so well, “We’re kids- we don’t got jobs- except for Donnie occasionally….suspiciously-” he shakes off the trailing thought, “Anyway- it’s not ‘your job’. It was just a shitty...long fight and ya really held us down, Raph.”

They cross the street, momentarily separating with the influx of people but find their way back in a second, the neon ‘Gonbei’ sign now visible to them.

And it’s not that Raph is all that surprised by Mikey. He knows his brother’s always had a knack for speaking in a way that just...made so much sense and was so profound without any complexity. But maybe it’s his brother being 14 now, that makes him even wiser.

“I know we don’t got jobs,” Raph concedes, as they pass the Lexington Flowers shop, “But, you know, I’m big...bigger than you guys, an’ I might not be as smart but when it comes to protecting, an’ planning….it’s what a leader’s s’posed ta do, y’know?”

They don’t often talk about the leadership thing- not that it’s touchy, it’s just not really relevant with how they function. But Mikey knows Raph’s internalized the role a bit more recently. And that Leo getting dropped from a building may have been the catalyst.

He knows his brother’s technically got a job to do. Mikey resents that, and their Dad a little bit, for not making Raph ready for all of what happened weeks ago.

Though he knows that’s not all fair. His father was only protecting them.

Still….it sucks.

“Well, if it means anything, I think you’re smart. And ‘m not sure if I can promise this, but I’m gonna do it anyway...” Mikey says, stopping in his tracks and turning to Raph, who also stops walking and gets called a ‘fuckin asshat’ for blocking a chunk of the sidewalk but- hey.

Mikey politely tells the guy to go fuck himself and when the guy turns to get a good enough look- not at Raph’s size, but at his little gremlin brother with a chain that’s starting to flame up- he decides this whole situation is not something he wants any parts of.

Mikey rolls his eyes and turns back to Raph, face all sincere and kind for someone who just...did that, “I promise we’re okay, and we’re always gonna be stuck together, Raph. I know that won’t magically make you feel better but...just thought I’d say it.”

And Raph tries to say something, but has to clear his throat, and it’s definitely the rain on his cheeks and beak.

“No,” he croaks, and laughs at his voice, happy that Mikey laughs too, “Nah, it- it really helps a lot Mikey….thank you- thanks, man.”

Satisfied, Mikey turns to keep on walking, patting Raph’s shell, “Anytime bud.”

////

Katagiri’s never disappoints. Mikey leaves with milk tea, shrimp tempura and shiso, more milk tea and a couple boxes of mochi ice. It’s one of those days.

He swings his groceries as they walk.

Raph doesn’t wonder about the frog and its meaning, and doesn’t doubt its luck and why it appeared to him.

He’s kinda figured it out. Because he still has moments like this, watching his brother merrily skip a few steps ahead of him, chatting breezily about pineapple upside down pancakes- and Mikey made a promise, after all, that they’re gonna be together, no matter what.

If that’s not lucky, being with his family, leaning on them when it counts, then Raph’s got no clue what is.

[fangsmyth]

i’ve been meaning to analyze the shit out of his poem but..... i’m on break now so i have time

it’s prefaced as “ a poem written in free verse, based on something haunting me as of late reflecting on one of my most complicated and passionate past relationships ” so while i know for a fact i could derive MANY different meanings i’m focusing strictly on this intention

i’m normally really bad at analyzing poetry but..... for Him i will Try ( this is a lot of nonsense rambling please do not mind me i am a fucking idiot if anyone has any other onions i’d love to discuss! ....p-please do not steal;;; )

gaslighting and emotional abuse warning under the cut but who’s fucking surprised

What is the meaning of a memory? A question I oft ponder Intangible and untraceable by anything but the mind Yet so potent as to leaVe one sick As if poisoned or Wounded in a literal sense.

just kind of setting the stage i guess is the best way to call this part? his first fucking stanza is god damn terrible memories leave scars that no one can see i could’ve come up with this in my goth phase

And What meaning is there in regret and longing? Can my lamentations change the past? Will they moVe the future? Shall they amount to much more than What unmoors my here and noW?

p self explanatory imo? this goes into a bit of detail about how despite the relationship being over, he’s still thinking about it and he feels bad about what he did and how he treated them.

‘ Will they moVe the future? ’ implies that despite his regret, he doesn’t feel like he’ll learn from his mistakes since he’s made them so many times before. especially so with the next line ‘ Shall they amount to much more than What unmoors my here and noW? ’

he already feels insecure, and any future mistakes he makes are just going to contribute to that;;

If I restrict my World to that but Which is before my eyes To those Whom I may touch, to that Which I might alter; One Would no doubt conclude that thoughts of You are last among What I could consider to “matter”.

this a really interesting stanza, recognizing that the past and present don’t matter, much less any people in the past that hurt him. he knows he should be looking at the here and now, but he can’t help but feel anxious about what happened and what will happen in future relationships.

( also keep in mind that ‘You’ is capitalized, not as a part of lanque’s quirk despite how naturally it seems to fit with his quirk. i kind of ended up interpreting it how ‘You’ is capitalized like you would ‘God’ and ‘Lord’ implying lanque puts this person on an insanely high pedestal? )

it’s super interesting imo that he chooses to say ‘could’ instead of ‘should’, implying he sees it as an option to stop thinking about the other but not a necessity or, for that matter, the best option he has. 

it implies that he recognizes that he has the option to learn from his mistakes, but........

And still You haunt me yet, like a scar, like a disease uneager to abate. Who are You and Who am I, after so long Without You?

it kind of hit me at this point that despite the fact that it was something lanque was recently thinking about, it’s... possible that it wasn’t a recent relationship. he’s clearly fully submerging himself into the role of the victim in this horrible relationship with emotional abuse to the point of forced codependence.

i’m legit having a hard time telling whether this is a matter of lanque making himself out to be the victim ( as emotional vampires often do ) or the very real possibility that he honest to god was the victim of a horrible relationship that left him..... permanently scarred to the point he feels like all relationships are just SUPPOSED to be that way 

i’m gonna mainly use language that points towards the latter despite the fact that i honestly believe the more obscure and difficult to explain possibility that this is him trying to put himself in the shoes of someone he treated like garbage ( since idk i feel like he’s really good at recognizing and understanding peoples’ emotions, just not so much feeling them himself )

talking about it as if he were actually the victim just makes this a lot easier to analyze

i’m kind of...... getting ahead of myself though lemme lay down the next stanza

I knoW I don’t knoW I Won’t knoW; What do I knoW but What I knoW and What can it eVen mean to KNOW?

an allusion to gaslighting. i’m bad at writing out definitions i literally just know things my brain is huge and you’re all just jealous so to copy paste from the wikipedia google search result

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

i *loudly gestures* i don’t feel like i need to explain much further! going between saying he knows and doesn’t know, literally talking in circles and questioning what the concept of keeping knowledge even means!! this relationship kind of fucked him up!!!!!!

knoW, knoW; No!

kind of redundant that this line is on its own, just implies getting fed up and ready to leave?

Agh, though it so Vexes me, Though so little I Valued it When it Was before me, a thing and a You I could touch and see and knoW and hate and Wonder. (reVile/Worship).

AH HERE’S THE GOD SHIT AGAIN I KNEW IT WAS HERE SOMEWHERE!!!

lanque didn’t see this person as such a central figure when he was in the relationship, or it’s possible that he simply didn’t realize how important they were to him. their godliness implies that this person was always above him, that it was a privilege to be graced with their presence alone.

this (reVile/Worship) shit in my mind reads very similar to one of the ten commandments saying ‘we must fear and love god’ or some shit like that, but it doesn’t quite fit. it’s highly probable that it just implies that the relationship walked on a very fine tightrope between kismesis and matesprit ugh i went so long without using homestuck terms i’m sad now.... anyways this is call back to that implication of choice i was talking about earlier that’s built on more immediately

NoW it, and You, are a traceless ghost, and I preoccupy myself With nothing but futile tasks of (RE)definition and (RE)interpretation and circuitous dWellings on that Which I understand eVen less noW.

SUPER obvious but the person in the relationship is gone and lanque doesn’t know what to do without them. goes over how it’s hard for him to tell whether this is a refining of his pre-existing personality or just a brand new one all together. again, a choice as to whether or not that’s how he wants to approach it

the path to this reinvention is brought about through a bunch of rebounds and new relationships, ‘circuitous dwellings’ implying he possibly stayed in some of them for too long and he honest to god has no idea why? like he wasn’t enjoying himself, he wasn’t really being reinvented. it solidifies that it was flat out a new definition as lanque is more or less going through the motions

than in the times When my Wonderings might’Ve been so easily ansWered With a question or a bite or a kiss, or eVen a single Word, spoken honestly.

STRANGE to me how this starts as if it continues the past sentence despite the fact that it DEFINITELY ends in a period i double checked 

anyways

he also finds himself having a MUCH easier time following the motions than trying to internalize and understand this relationship. ‘wonderings’ being... pretty obviously just anxiety thoughts like you know how your brain just says things that aren’t true

and figuring out if they were would’ve been easy if he just said something or did something!!

Pressed though I am to giVe color to our bond I look not to onyx nor ash but that Which pulses Within our Very Veins: that so blinding jade, hard as the stone for Which it is so named,

interesting that this sort of starts an outline towards giving the subject an actual identity?

like specifically saying “pulses within our very veins: that so blinding jade” OBVIOUSLY says that it’s another jade in the cloister that this is about?

usually i’d like to say that writers usually don’t do this without reason but despite the praises i constantly speak alone in my room about the endless array of implications in every other thing that comes out of lanque’s mouth i also know v is a fucking hack and a got damn terrible writer

some gremlin at 3am whispered in my ear in the middle of the night saying this is about a past relationship with bronya and i did have some points but bronya is too good so i’m going to tell that gremlin to go fuck himself

tWisted and pulled hammered and forged shaped, unnaturally as if a chain.

there were so many things they went through to try and get this to work, but it kind of just came up as an obviously fucked up mess. likely considering that it would’ve ended/ran its course a lot better if they didn’t even try getting together. 

i wish every stanza was this simple

A stricture Within scriptures; a certain so meaningful tincture.

calling back to that whole “easily answered with a question, or a bite, or a kiss, or a single word spoken honestly” and those whole religious undertones that i keep pushing this solidifies that i’m not fucking crazy

GOD there’s so much in this little piece the very fact that his object of affection’s voice and words alone leave him feeling that he literally has no room to speak. the stricture is like a noose around his neck if he talks out of turn, hence the frustration that he knows something his wrong but he simply isn’t allowed to say something.

until he gets his hand on that ‘meaningful tincture’. alcohol gives him the courage to speak up and defy that gospel, alluding to his dependence on drugs and why they’re so important to him! it’s a lifestyle he wouldn’t give up because he’d hate to be silenced again!

Resent You though I must, EnVy You though I may,

emphasizing that shit i was talking about earlier with could vs. should, lanque feels like the right thing to do is look back at this in scorn. he should despise this person he idolized so much and envy how easy it was for them to lock him in such a vulnerable position for so long yet here he is..... thinking about them again

NoW leagues and leagues stretch betWeen us And I make peace With not but What I say.

these lines are pretty transparent. this was never resolved, there was never a proper conclusion to this relationship. they kind of just drifted apart, but lanque can take solace in the truth and completion of this poem. he makes peace with the fact that he acknowledges all of the problems in the relationship, and chooses to make them a part of him rather than something to just scowl and scoff at

You are only that Which is Within me, my blood and my mind and that is at once nothing, and the most elementary definition of eVerything.

i’m tired man i wrote like what 5 google drive pages about it i feel like i’d be repeating myself since this is his equivalent of wrapping it up and tying it in a lil bow

just because it happened and ultimately doesn’t matter doesn’t mean he didn’t internalize it?

this sort of ended up defining the person he became since it just shook him that badly man

do i need to go into more depth than that i just want some fucking chicken

[greenwater76]

Batman is wonderful

a brother and his younger sister are noticed to be in arkham. They have no prior records before coming to the prison and they do not have case or transfer records. According to the records, they do not exist outside of arkham. The boy, about 17, has the ability to change people’s perception of himself and a small number of people. Additionally, he can change facts. The limit is that he can only change things that will have a small effect. For example, he can change the fact that poison ivy’s hair is orange to it being yellow, but he cannot change, for example, the color of a species of butterfly. These things are often not noticed unless they are closely monitored and usually are accepted easily due to his powers. The girl, around 14, is incredibly smart and attentive. She has the power to force people to keep deals with her if they sign a contract she has drawn up. She cannot force them to do things that are impossible for them. If at any time, either side will not be able to uphold their side of the contract, (such as when one side dies and cannot be revived or fulfill the conditions without their lives) the contract is nullified. She can cancel a contract at any time. If the other side wants to, she must also agree to cancel it. She also is very protective of her brother. You threaten her brother, you die. They have committed crimes, but nothing anything like most of the people at Arkham. The girl assaulted someone both because they were discriminating against her friends and because they had insulted her brother. Additionally, one of the newest superweapons’ blueprints had been traced back to her as the original creator. Her brother is her mental anchor because she has both a god complex and is mad at her family for not believing in her because of her gender and because she was the second child. She is very arrogant because of this, although she does not mind people insulting her, because she believes that they could not possibly see how wonderful she is if they are no higher than water bugs. However, the brother is especially caring about other people’s opinions of him and he does not feel very comfortable about himself because of that. Although, his sister’s rampages make him feel better because he knows she loves him very much and sort of idolizes him. The brother was always kind to her. They have a deep bond. They would also die for one another. She keeps him from doing anything too dumb, he keeps her temper in check. They do have separation anxiety. They have a very deep instilled fear that if they are kept apart for too long, both of them will die inexplicitly. The two siblings reside in arkham because 

1.  They are homeless, since they ran from their parents.

2. They liked the food ok.

3. They are provided mental help for free and without much identification needed.

4. The inmates respect them because they assume they did something very bad in order to be prosecuted as adults.

5. They were bored and so they decided to try and help the inmates, since most of them are decentish people.

The brother is an introvert who doesn’t like inconveniencing people and hates starting a commotion because of something small. He cares very much about what other people think of him and he lets a lot of things go. The sister, however, is sort of an ambivert and doesn’t mind not seeing anyone but him. She does, however, pick up on social cues very well and this makes her a very good socializer. It also allows her to predict what her brother is thinking easily, especially since she’s known him all her life. 

Rising from her hunched posture over ivy’s neck and slowly getting off of her back she said,“Ah. It should be deactivated, but I wouldn’t suggest you try to take it off. It should still have the alarm system and think that it still blocks your abilities. Besides, if you weren’t wearing it, you’d probably add years to your sentence.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s no problem. I’m glad you entered this agreement with me! Just remember, no harming anyone unless someone else lets you out of the collar.”

“I will.”

“Ah bats, ya’ know, the people here in Arkham often don’t get the help they need to rehabilitate. It’s a shame really. So many missed opportunities. Ah! Ya’ know I’ve met a few that even want to start their journey to becoming a normal, functional citizen. Sadly, this place just doesn’t have the funding.” Batman stands in silence, his eyes narrowed at the girl. It sounded like she was trying to get something out of him. “Oh! Maybe you could have that billionaire persona of yours donate some money to Arkham! I bet people will eat that up. Just think about it, ‘Generous Bruce Wayne Donates Money to Rehabilitate Criminals and Ensure the Safety of Gotham!’ A nice headline, eh?” 

“How dare you fucking maggot even think to speak about my brother that way! You who are so low that I wouldn’t dare touch you unless it prevented harm coming to my brother!”

“So what? What are you gonna do about me talking about your brother that way, ya’ little bitch? Gonna go cry to the staff that we’re bullying you? Oh boo hoo. Grow up.”

“You forget that I’m the one who controls this prison. I’m the one who FUCKING OWNS YOUR LIFE AND YOU SHOULD DO WELL NOT TO FUCKING FORGET IT!” In the middle of this exclamation, she had to be held back by her brother physically, so she did not bring harm to the man. 

“Oh~! Does big bro have to hold back his little gremlin of a sister? I thought you ‘owned my life’ and ‘controlled this prison’? Oh well. Maybe you wanna put this little liar in a time-out corner.”

“IVY! I SWEAR TO GOD! I’M AMENDING OUR CONTRACT NOW! YOU CAN HURT THIS MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD!”

“Ivy? As if Ivy’s gonna attack me on your command! She doesn’t even have the collar off! How could she--” It was then that that man decided that he regretted doubting the little girl. Ah~~~ He had just wanted some extra food. 

“Sister? Sister, it’s fine! I didn’t even care.”

“You know you fucking did and thats why I’m showing this bastard that he’s wrong. He’s just saying that because he’s mad that we’re better than him.”

“You didn’t have to start such a commotion for me.”

“Yes, I did. Because even if I didn’t you’d worry about it all night.”

“I would not!”

“You would!”

“Anh! Besides, I’m just going to worry about this so why does it matter?”

“They’re my actions, you shouldn’t worry about them.”

“But you’re my little sister, I’m responsible for you! And you wouldn’t have to do this if I had self confidence”

“Just cause you’re responsible for me doesn’t mean you should worry about something I did endlessly! And you don’t have self confidence because of people like him and because of mom and dad’s lofty expectations!”

“It’s not their fault!”

“Yes it is! You know it is! We’ve had this argument time and time again, and it always ends with you saying you know it’s their fault and that you know they’re shitty, but you can’t help but defend them because they’re your parents!”

“You’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

“Let’s go back to our room.”

“Sure. Oh! Thank you, Ivy.”

[somedudenamedruiz]

Holy fuck 3 in one night. (Honestly I'm just doing these in batches lol)

Anyways

The Lonely

You know it's a bit weird being agoraphobic and autophobic at the same time. Anxiety tend to contradict itself though, doesn't it?

I clicked pretty easy with The Lonely. Hard not to really. Raging social anxiety that makes you averse to a lot of events. isolating yourself in a house with other people in it just out of sheer habit at this point. Slowly alienating yourself from a class of people who you've known most of your whole life.

Yet still being upset that you feel alone? Never really changing anything to try and fix that feeling. It's an odd thing to do and feel.

I think most people have related to the lonely at least a few times in their life.

And I do think the correlation to fog and mist it has in TMA is very fitting. I don't know if 'lonely' in its self could be considered an emotion or not. But it is definitely a feeling to me. A feeling that sits deep in the chest. Like your ribs are empty, and chilled with a clouds that make you feel light and heavy all at the same time.

I don't want to be alone. I enjoy people, and I enjoy socializing. But sometimes it's hard and like your not really there with them, are you? And you find yourself somehow alone, in a room full of people.

Yet other times being alone feels like the best thing in the world. A much needed break from everything.

The lonely isn't a jarring thing like some of the others. It creeps in like a slow fog. Engulfing you fully before you even realize it. And once your in it? It is very difficult to find your way back out.

[somedudenamedruiz]

Wow double TMA posts in one night? Crazzzy.

Anyways

The Dark

I clicked with The Dark fast. I mean, anyone who was ever a kid and was afraid of the dark probably did. But on a more visceral level in my case.

See, starting a few weeks prior to starting TMA, I began having a very particular, and very real fear that the darkness itself, as a single entity, was watching me while I tried to go to sleep. Was this paranoia, intrusive thoughts, or borderline delusions? Idk the therapist is still out on that one.

Anyways

I clicked fast with The Dark. It makes me deeply afraid. I don't like being outside when it's even slightly dark. Feels like every little shadow or object becomes something that I just KNOW is following me. I don't like being around windows when it's dark. I hate the thought that something could be looking back in at me, and I'd never know. I can't sleep with lights in my room, but I also am deeply afraid of the dark without them.

People act like being afraid of the dark is childish. But it is a very reasonable fear. You CAN NOT SEE. That is dangerous. That means you could get snuck up on. The fear of the dark is as normal as the fear of being hunted, or of corpses or diseases. Because that always meant you were less safe.

I'd say the dark had probably the second most nerve wracking episode for me. I had to turn it off, as I was getting ready for bed myself, and the way the plot was going had me on edge already. Because my blankets are safe to me. And I don't particularly want to entertain the idea that they don't actually do anything.

The dark scares me quite a lot.

[somedudenamedruiz]

Next up on the chopping block

The Spiral

Funnily enough I didn't actually click with the spiral at first. You'd think I would have. Raging anxiety and a whole collection of disorders and all. But I didn't. I dont think I really got what it was at first. Wich feels rather suiting, huh?

You don't get to understand something at first glance, if it's whole existence is is intentionally confusing.

But the more I listened to the episodes delving into it, the more I started to understand how the Spiral in my situation.

Because to me it isn't as acute as some of the others. But it's always THERE still. A quiet, deep seated fear that itches at the back of your mind.

The feeling that something just isn't right. With no clear cause or reason. Something is just deeply wrong.

The worry that all the issues you're aware you have, you just made it up. That your just overreacting over normal things that everyone deals with. But at the same time worrying that EVERYTHING about you, is wrong.

The feeling of your mind as it's own separate entity to you and your body. That your body isn't yours. Not really. Your a passenger, as your mind commands your body without much if your own actual input. That god awful staticky feeling as you watch yourself not really react while your mind is nothing but panic.

I had a lot of problems with dissociation when I was younger. Looking back on it is always weird. Because I cannot remember much from it. But I can remember the feeling very deeply.

Then theres the whole hallucinations area of it. Never really severe or distressing enough that you feel you should even be worried. But still always there. Your name whispered into your ear, the alarm you use to wake up playing at random times even if you dont have your phone with you, vivid music playing from down a hall, or in the middle of a grocery store. It's never bad. But it always makes you question yourself. The hallucinations dont really cause the anxiety on their own, the spiral of thoughts after them do.

Most of my life has been a spiral of anxiety fueled thoughts and fears.