#a generic mini bang about daddy issues or something idk

[val-el]

i kind of really want to put together a wilsons prompt weekend or mini bang event, would anyone be interested in that?

[cosmiconsciousness]

Searched throughout my 11 year old photobucket to see if I could find just one picture of us, or of you and I together and I found one of us and my dad and a couple of the billions you took of me. You loved me soooo much. Since the moment I was born, maybe even conceived, you were in love with me. I was the daughter you never had. I was your dream. I was your breath of fresh air. You loved my mom and her two kids, my brother and sister. You spoiled me so much. You took so many pictures of me. You would set up these elaborate photoshoots of me every week, buying me a new dress to wear for it, you’d cut my bangs, brush my hair, let me put on lipstick, painted my nails. You were so excited to have me. You loved music. I would beg you to play the guitar for me so we could sing our favorite songs together. We would record the songs on a cassette voice recorder. You just loved seeing me grow so much. You were so innocent. Now all the memories are flooding back to me as if I never forgot them. I’ll never ever forget how you took your time to make me a little doll house out of a shoe box, and I know that sounds kind of shitty and ridiculous but it was amazing. You seriously went all out. You got the left over wallpaper you used in the kitchen and put it throughout the doll house, you super glued mini plastic pieces of furniture in there, you even made a little staircase for it. I loved it so much. I can’t believe I ever forgot these things. I still have that box of little animal toys that you would re paint for me when they started to fade. I remember how you would tuck me in for a nap and let me watch tv til I fell asleep and how I’d sneak UPN33 on and change it back to kids stuff if I heard you coming. I remember how you’d wake me up from my nap, opening the blinds and singing “toodle-oo!” I can’t believe I ever let the memory fade of how you had all these little animal/character magnets on the fridge and I’d beg you to take them down every time we sat down to eat so that you could tell me a story with them. I remember the pop up books you bought me. I remember going to sedanos with you every week, you’d buy me chicken nuggets and sometimes ropa vieja which was my favorite. Even though you bought frozen pancakes for some reason they were always the best. And I love how you called them “hot cakes”. I remember how much you adored your mom, Mima. How you would tell me these stories about San Francisco and how we’d sing “I left my heart in San Francisco” almost every single day. Every time you went back to San Fran, you brought me back one of those China dolls from China town that you would always tell me about. You loved your sister so much. You guys were a team. Idk who needed who more. You decorated every year for christmas, you always went all out and got me a bunch of cheap little gifts that I didn’t really like but I never had the heart to tell you I hated them. You were so innocent that I didn’t have the heart to tell you a lot of truths. I love how even though susy died almost 20 years ago, you never ever forgot about her and still missed that dog and remembered who she is when I brought her up. Even though you frustrated me a lot, drove me insane with the photoshoots when they stopped being fun and treated me like a little girl for almost my entire life, I never told you these things because you didn’t deserve to be hurt. I knew deep down that you were better off without knowing. As I got older, I wanted to tell you more, and I tried to bring you up and stay positive every time you were negative and depressed. Even recently. You loved me soooo much that I knew I owed it to you to try and preserve that perception you had of me being that innocent little girl. I still wanted you to know though that I’m a smart girl who wanted to see you feel better. I’m sorry that you had a tumultuous relationship with my father. He loves you so much and he stuck by your side all these years when he could’ve cut you out. I know you didn’t have the easiest upbringing, I know my fathers dad was somewhat of a piece of shit and you had to leave him, move across the country and raise your two sons by yourself. I know your mom would dump you onto her mom while she’d go off with boyfriends. You rose up from all that and did what you had to do. You were a hard worker and managed your money, and your life in general very well. Besides your emotional issues. You did a great job. I admire your devotion and love for god and your faith in Christianity, how passionate you were about it and how much your little church in the living room of carmita’s house in westchester was your second family. You always made sure EVERYONE got a little gift bag for Christmas, always made sure there were cookies or candy for everyone. I love how you were grandma because you spoke English and abuela was abuela bc she spoke Spanish. I’m sorry that I got older and fell out of touch with these memories. I’m sorry that innocent little girl died at some point. I just hope you know that my memory of you isn’t tainted, no matter what. I will always remember all these little things. We truly did have a special relationship. I’m glad that I finally got older and wiser, I finally was able to truly be my honest self around you. you got to see me grow up into an independent, strong, ambitious and capable person. I’m so glad that I got to find something I love, work for it and achieve it while you were still around. Thank you so so much for playing the role you played in my life. Today I had a feeling in my gut that I never felt before. When daddy told me you were in the hospital, idk why but I knew this time wasn’t anything like all the other times. I knew from the bottom of my heart, the core of my being, that I needed to go see you and talk to you, tell you I love you, hold your hand. I knew that’s all you would’ve wanted. I know you heard what I said. I know you heard me humming our songs. I know you knew what I knew. After I left you, I felt a sinking feeling in my heart and stomach that I’ve never felt before. I felt depressed, even though I didn’t have anything to necessarily be depressed about. I love my life. And I know that it was your time. You were suffering. I know you were ready to go. Everything I said to you today was true. I wasn’t lying, I didn’t say it just to make you feel better. I said it because you deserved to hear it. And I’m glad I’m the one who told you last. I know that’s all you would’ve wanted. I love you grandma and I’m so sorry the last years of your life were filled with so much pain. I’m just glad that’s all over now. I know you’re in a beautiful place with your sister, your mom, son, dog, abuela, abuelo, your cousin, aunties husband. You’re reunited with them all, and me and daddy will meet you there someday too. I know you don’t follow this blog and that you won’t see this post, but I know you can read it and hear me write it. I know you know it’s for you. I know you would appreciate this. I know you want to feel special. You really are special.