#a crop top. because she's from germany and from what i hear it's cOLD there

[averlym]

okay you know what i’ll probs not finish colours and i want this posted by december so- here’s a silly little birthday comic, a few days late! (@holiday anon!)

[grandraconteur]

Wish You Were Here, Chapter 4

Hallucinations of his dead father had haunted Peter for years. Symptoms of trauma, a child psychologist told his Aunt and Uncle with a well-practiced sympathetic smile on her saccharine face. A natural result from surviving the car accident.

Except Peter just saw his father, and he was very much alive.

With the help of his mentor, Tony Stark, and the mysterious figure, Doctor Stephen Strange, Peter is going to have to delve into new details from a painful history to uncover the truth...

Iron Dad, Doctor Dad, Spider Son, and slow burn Ironstrange.

As always, betaed by the incomparable @merelypassingtime

Please enjoy!

1, 2, 3

Also on AO3

1, 2, 3

Chapter 4: Comfortably Numb (Part 2)

Come on, now.  

I hear you're feeling down.

Well, I can ease your pain,

Get you on your feet again.

~ "Comfortably Numb," Pink Floyd, The Wall, November 30, 1979

Around dinner time that night, someone knocked at the apartment door.

Peter was still holed up in his room, May thankfully agreeing to give him more space as long as he promised not to play Spiderman that night. He hardly paid the visitor mind, until May’s characteristic knock on his door.

“Peter? Mr. Stark’s here for you.”

With his advanced physiology, Peter was pretty sure he made some kind of record from his bed to open the door, ignoring entirely the fact that he was still dressed in his pajamas. Mr. Stark jerked back slightly at the abruptness of the movement, but, as always, played it cool and used the movement to appear as if he was looking Peter up and down. “Mr. Parker, dare I say you played hooky today?”

Before Peter could answer, Mr. Stark turned to Aunt May with his version of an apologetic smile, though it seemed far less sympathetic and more for show. “Mind if I talk to the kid in private? Got something important to discuss.”

“You mean like the last time you had to ‘talk privately’ and Peter ended up in Germany to fight a bunch of criminals under the guise of an internship?” She drawled, raising an eyebrow archly and crossing her arms.

“Yeah...that was...extenuating circumstances and kind of urgent. But this is just paperwork. Superhero business. Nothing that will require him to leave the tri-state area.”

“It’s fine, Aunt May, nothing to worry about!” Peter tugged at Mr. Stark’s sleeve, pulling him into the room. “Like he said, just some paperwork. But, you know, private Avengers business-”

“Not quite an Avenger yet, kid. Turned me down, remember?”

“-private...friendly neighborhood superhero business. We’ll be done in a jiffy!”

Before the door could close, May put her hand on it. Looking Peter dead in the eye, she remarked, “Peter...swear to me this isn’t anything dangerous. Because you do not need any more stress right now.”

That pointed look, earnest yet brooking no argument, nearly caused Peter to give in and spill everything. But, he reminded himself, he didn’t know everything yet, so…

He’d spare her, just a little longer.

“I promise.”

The door closed on Aunt May’s dubious and slightly concerned face. Peter leaned against the back of the door, breathing a sigh of temporary relief.

“Well, can’t say it looks like you’ve taken my advice.”

Mr. Stark looked him over with an apparent detached critical assessment that did not quite belie his concern.

“I’ve been doing nothing but homework, Mr. Stark. I haven’t even been Spidermaning this weekend.”

“And yet, you look like the poster image of teenage depression. Probably why Aunt Hottie had a Mayo Clinic page about it open on her laptop when I came in.”

Peter started to comment on ‘Aunt Hottie’ but redirected when the rest of Mr. Stark’s sentence registered. “She did?”

“Yeah. Might help if you got dressed. Seems to fool them. Though I have to say, I am flattered by your show of support. Terribly outdated, though. What is that, Mark VII?”

Glancing down, Peter let out a little eep at the realization he was in the Iron Man pajamas May bought him last Christmas. He crossed his arms across his chest nervously. “Well, you know. They were on clearance.”

“Oh, ouch. Hit me where it hurts, why don’t you? Though I haven’t seen any Spiderman merchandise, clearance or otherwise. ”

With a quick look around the place, Mr. Stark took a seat on Peter’s bed, patting the spot beside him in invitation like it was his own room and not the teenager’s. Fumbling a bit, Peter sat down, running his hands over the tops of his legs in a restless motion.

“So…?”

With an expressive breath, Mr. Stark took out his phone and snapped it forward slightly, producing a holographic image of a file with the Stark logo and a name.

  Dr. Stephen Strange.

“Turns out Shield was good for something. I was able to access their archived security footage from around the globe for Friday to analyze, plus I had her scour social media, looking for a facial match or mention of his name.”

Heart pounding in his chest, the hairs on his arms standing on end, Peter leaned forward expectantly. “And?”

“And...well, see for yourself.”

The holographic folder flipped open, revealing several photos.

In the last few days, when Peter couldn’t help himself from fretting about what Friday would find, he’d considered several possibilities ranging from awful (it was a fake, his dad was dead, his dad had a new family that he’d abandoned Peter for) to simply nothing. Somehow, considering anything positive that would suitably explain his absence had given him the sensation of having a rock tucked under his ribs.

After all that theorizing and thought, the Instagram post Tony brought up on the holographic display was not exactly what he’d expected. Still, looking at the man who was clearly his dad...it took one weight off his shoulders and put another one on them. Hot and cold rolled down his body like waves, the contradictory sensations leaving him floundering.

“He’s...”

“Alive, if this and the rest of the footage Friday tracked down is to be believed.”

Peter’s stupor was momentarily distracted as he took in the content of the picture, his brow pinching as he recognized…

“Does that t-shirt say-”

“Yup. Your dad’s a One Directioner. Congratulations, kid.”

Indeed, his dad was wearing a rather loud, pink shirt with “Just Call Me the Future Mrs. Harry Styles” written in a garish cursive. He did not appear to be particularly pleased with his attire, though, a severe frown marring his features that spoke of a man at the end of his exhaustive rope. Beside him sat an incredibly smug looking East Asian man in Eastern style robes with a shaved head and a huge smile, one hand clearly holding the phone up for the selfie, the other pointed at Stephen. The caption beneath the image read “Today, Stephen learned the hard way that betting against me is the ‘Wong’ choice! ;D #Onedirection #harrystylesforever”

“Or rather, Mr…..” Mr. Stark leaned forward, squinting at the hologram. “So-wong-its-right is if you want to go by his Instagram handle. Which is a good thing, because otherwise we probably wouldn’t have been able to prove anything about your dad’s existence.”

Waving across the image, the page turned once again to show what looked like security footage taken from a camera. Not in the United States, though.

“Is that China?”

“Hong Kong, to be more precise. About six years ago. Facial recognition didn’t have any luck finding matches to your dad by himself, but when we found his buddy there, that was a whole new story.” Zooming in, the image focused on his father’s friend, strolling down a crowded street that was so atmospheric you could nearly smell it, some sort of club in his hand. Beside him, his face partly obscured by the tall collar of a bright red cloak, was a man that looked suspiciously like Stephen.

“See those pants and boots?” Mr. Stark zoomed in closer on said articles, the blue robes a similar Eastern style to the other man’s, with the addition of the cloak, the pattern on which looked oddly familiar. Turning back to the Instagram photo, Mr. Stark tapped on what could be seen of Stephen’s pants, the bright blue visible under the pink shirt.

“Based on his horrible taste in clothing and general appearance, we can be pretty damn sure that is also your dad there with this Wong character.”

“From six years ago…”

“Meaning that with these two images, we can already determine that he has been cropping up in places not only unrelated to you, but also since before your little run-in with the genetically modified arachnid.”

Okay, so that was...that was…“Shit...” Peter breathed, running a hand through his hair.

Mr. Stark leaned back, looking at Peter with raised brows and twitching lips. “Such language, Mister Parker.” Though his words were teasing, his tone was mild. “Though, to be fair to you, I think I’d have gone with something a lot less PG-rated after that bombshell.”

Peter mostly ignored him, reaching out to flick through the pages of the file. More images from security footage sped past him, showing similar levels of mysterious circumstances, with Wong and Stephen often appearing in areas that looked like they had recently experienced some kind of attack. And in each one, Stephen’s face was somehow blocked from view, either by the twisting of his body, something in his hands, or his cloak catching an unnatural looking wind.

“There is some weirdness here for sure. According to the archives, all of these locations received a sudden flux in activity-- alert messages, panic response, emergency personnel called to the scene-- and then whatever the trouble was just...vanished, right about the same time these two showed up. All of it. Like nothing had ever happened.”

Crossing his arms, Peter looked over the images carefully, seeking....something. The kind of something you knew was something only once you saw it. “What could cause that, though? And what does it have to do with my dad?”

Mr. Stark exhaled sharply through his nose. Resting his cheek in his hand, Mr. Stark inclined his head to the teenager. “Honestly, I don’t know, Pete. I haven’t seen anything like this. Shield never told the Avengers about it, because according to their records they determined it to be a low-level threat and just kept it monitored. At this point, your guess is as good as mine.”

“But do you have any kind of, like...intuition about it?”

“Nothing good.”

Chills instantly invaded Peter’s spine at his mentor's words. The feeling was close enough to his Spider-sense that it unnerved him some, fearing this was more premonition than normal human response. Either way, Peter’s own instincts mirrored his mentor’s: This was nothing good.

“There’s one last thing you should know.”

Blinking, Peter looked at Mr. Stark, whose face rapidly twitched with different emotions as he looked off into space. “Is this going to be one of those clichés like in movies where I’m going to hate what you say next because it suddenly makes everything a whole lot worse?”

“Oh, no, I know you’re going to love it. That’s why I’m so hesitant to tell you.” Flipping through several more pages, Mr. Stark landed on a close-cropped shot of Wong standing on a familiar looking street.

“That’s the street where I fought the Eldritch Horror! Bleecker Street, right?”

At Mr. Stark’s impressed glance, Peter shrugged one shoulder. “I have an eidetic memory.”

“Impressive, though I was marveling more over the Lovecraft reference. Didn’t know you were a fan of horror.”

“I’m not really, but MJ convinced me and Ned to help her start a group for Contemporary Cthulhu Worship at our middle school.”

“Cthulhu worship? Should I be worried that you three accidentally summoned the something on Bleecker Street?”

“No! We never did anything; MJ just wanted to protest the preferential treatment the Christian Group got.”

Tony raised an eyebrow.

“It’s a long story,” Peter demurred.

“Be that as it may…” Mr. Stark trailed off, motioning back to the hologram. “Friday tracked down several instances of this guy-- Wong apparently-- exiting and entering the same building on Bleecker from some more recent security cameras we…‘accessed’. She found some of your dad, too, albeit shielding his face as he seems to have a habit of doing. Including one just a few days ago.”

On the images dated for that past Friday, Stephen appeared strolling down the block, hands in his pockets and face turned down, dressed as he had been in the footage Karen recorded. The thick red scarf-- which closely resembled the pattern of the cloak in other photos, Peter realized-- wrapped snugly around his neck and concealing the lower half of his face. On the last slide, Stephen entered a peculiar looking brownstone.

“The address is 177A Bleecker Street.”

“You...you found where he lives? ”

“Friday did,” Mr. Stark corrected. “Or we think we did. We can’t be quite sure.”

It eclipsed every expectation Peter had imagined, and he had imagined a lot, especially considering he was supposed to avoid all speculation. His father was alive. Living in Greenwich Village. Living in the same city. Had been for who knows long, and yet…

Suddenly lightheaded, Peter released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and braced himself on his knees. A calloused hand rubbed at his back, Mr. Stark uttering a quiet “You’re alright” that barely registered in Peter’s shocked mind.

In. Out. In. Out... It might have worked better if he couldn’t still hear that order in his father’s voice.

When he did regain some semblance of control, Peter quietly muttered, “Why would you tell me that he lives here?”

“I promised you all the data I could find, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but….you know me. I can’t...I can’t just ignore that. I need to try to talk to him.”

Mr. Stark said nothing, continuing to rub Peter’s back. It was a grounding gesture and Peter focused on it as his mind began to stray towards the rocky shores of fear and self-loathing, left by his father’s apparent abandonment.

“You’re right. I know that about you. But, I also know what it’s like to have vital, life-altering facts withheld from you by someone you trust. Intimately. It’s not a fun feeling.”

“I don’t like telling you,” Mr. Stark continued, moving his hand to grip Peter’s shoulder. “But as I see it, I don’t have a choice, not if I want to be able to live with myself. I’m just gonna have to trust you. And offer to go with you if you do want to meet your dad again.”

“You’d...do that?”

“Better believe it, underoos. You’re my only mentee, and I’m pretty partial to you at this point. Plus, it’d be hell training up someone new.” Mr. Stark ruffled Peter’s hair, continuing, “Not that I really have you trained all that well. Maybe I should start fresh with something easier to train than a teenager. Maybe a goldfish.”

“Mr. Stark…”

“Yeah, I know. No ethical pet store would sell me a goldfish. Guess I’m stuck with you.”

To his shame, Peter felt tears stinging his eye, and he wiped them away surreptitiously on the back of one hand. He suspected Mr. Stark pretended not to notice. “So that means I should probably keep you safe.”

Standing, Mr. Stark moved for the door, grousing as something in his left shoulder popped as he stretched. Peter watched numbly as he did something on his phone, swiping away the hologram and typing into its surface. “I’m sending the file to your computer so you can look through it. If you’ve got any questions, contact me. Day or night. I’m usually up both.”

The older man paused as he grasped the doorknob, looking back at Peter. His eyes held an unusually tender quality as he said, “I really hope you’ll take me up on my offer to go with you. I know he’s your dad, but we don’t have any clue what the hell is going on. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve seen most of what there is to phone home about.” As Mr. Stark pushed the door closed, he added, “Think about it.”

After he left, Peter sat in brooding contemplation, the image of his father’s brownstone etched into his mind.

***

When he was nine, Aunt May and Uncle Ben formally adopted him. Along with getting full custody of him now that his father was “dead,” the legal proceedings opened up a new possibility.

Changing Peter’s surname.

On some level, he’d wanted to stay Peter Strange. At the time he hadn’t been totally cognizant of it, but now Peter believed his desire stemmed from his need to keep even that small, tenuous connection to his father. Everything back then had been about that.

But Ben and May had looked so hopeful when they suggested it, and the kids at school had taken to taunting him for being the Strange Orphan; the parentless freak.

So he’d accepted, and, mostly, he hadn’t looked back.

There were times since, though, when he wondered if he was denying a part of himself. Or hiding from it. Trying to cut off the part of himself that was a constant reminder of what he was missing, like a phantom limb, there and not there, forever itching but unable to be scratched.

The name had little influence in that regard, really. Significance is in the eye of the beholder, and something like a name can only hold so much power over you if you let it. It wasn’t the name, it was the origin.

It wasn’t Strange, it was his Dad.

Now, if Peter really wanted to be free of that drag, then as far as he could see he had two options. Cut it off the rest of the way, or reattach it.

And there was only one way for Peter to decide which course he wanted to take.

“Hey, Karen,” Petter said with forced cheer as he slipped on the mask. “I, uh, I really need you to do something for me.”

“Yes, Peter?”

“I need you to swear, I mean, swear up and down, invoke any protocols necessary to do it, that you won’t tell Mr. Stark what I am about to do.”

“That doesn’t sound very wise,” she intoned. “It is my function to ensure your safety, and if calling Mr. Stark -”

“Karen, please. I am literally begging you right now, okay? I just...I really need to do this on my own. If I get knocked out, or...or something, then fine. But please, please give me a chance? I need this.”

There was brief silence on the line, during which Peter’s heart beat so furiously in his ears he wasn’t sure if he could have heard the AI’s reply if she made one. Finally, though, she spoke up.

“Direct alarms to Friday offline.”

Brushing at his eyes through his mask (for all the good it would do him), Peter let his body relax just slightly. “Thank you.”

“Please be careful, Peter. Mr. Stark had a point.”

“I know. He always does. And he’s probably right, logically. But this isn’t...”

It wasn’t about logic.

It was about closure.

When Peter heard no more from the AI, he took that as his cue to do this before he chickened out.

Glancing down from the roof of 177A Bleecker Street into the large, open window he’d spotted before, Peter leaped down, swinging into his father’s brownstone.

----------------

Before you all kill me for another cliffhanger, I swear chapter 5 is flowing well and should be out next week. ;)

Speaking of the next chapter...the next chapter is called "Coming Back to Life."

[deepstorieswriter]

Cont;nue

The Day That Changed Everything

This is NOT a fairy tale story, where the prince comes to save the princess, or where the evil witch is killed. In this story there is an evil force, and it will never go away. This is the story of how I battled for my life against an enemy I knew all too well- myself. Or, more specifically, my mind. My name is Emily. and this is the story of how my life changed forever.

Things weren’t always so bad, back in Offenbach am Main, Germany where my family is from in fact, it wasn't bad at all. I had sleepovers every weekend, where we would turn my backyard into a little night club. Fluorescent lights shined down from all angles, a disco ball hanging from the center, music so loud that we thought we would go deaf. My best friends Raquel, Maria and I danced all night. You see, in those days, life was great. I was always at the top of my classes, I was the shy, all American girl- As summer turns to winter, my life was the same. Once all smiles and cheers, have now turned to darkness and despair.

Fast forward to give or take 2 years. I had moved to the United States and had been going to school there for 2 years. It was a Thursday October morning, and the outside was absolutely, bone-chillingly cold. I arrived at school no later than 7:30am, and it seemed like a regular day-so far. People were talking, laughing, and on their phones. Everyone was with their cliques. The populars, the nerds, the drama kids, the weirdos, the foreigners, and the outcasts. I have never been in a specific group, I usually just float between them, as I am friends with people in different groups. Since I came to the United States from my home in Germany I haven’t had someone to call my “best friend” yet. I usually spend most of my time alone, on my phone. Though that day, as I walked through the halls, my demons started taunting me. One would say “Fat. Ugly. Who would ever want to be seen in public with you?”

The other would follow “Dumb. Stupid. How did you even manage to get this far in life, with your pea-sized brain?”

The next would chant “No one likes you. Everyone hates you. Why are you such a bad person?” Thought after thought, as I flowed through the hallway from a group to a group, no one noticed my existence. In my mind the halls had gone dark, the lights were flashing…. On. Off. On. Off. On. Off. Darkness. Until the demons popped out like a jack-in-the-box, and they kept telling me I’m worthless. I’m unloved. No one likes me. I’m stupid. I’m an idiot. My friends hate me. My family hates me. My girlfriend hates me. I am worth less. I am stupid. I am trash. Unloved. Uncared for. Unwanted. Should die. Waste of space. Not worth it. Not worthy. Not good enough. Kill yourself. Everyone’s life would be better without you.

It only got worse when I would approach a group of friends that would act as if I wasn't there; as if I was a ghost. What I kept thinking was that if they aren’t affected by my absence than my presence has no meaning. Those self deprecating thoughts would follow me throughout the day.

Once I got home I started working on my piles of homework that I had each night, as taking all honors and A.P classes in senior year was far from a walk in the park. Suddenly I got a text from someone cancelling plans that I was all too excited for. That is when I lost it. Tears filled my eyes, and within seconds I was bawling my eyes out. I tried and calling a few people to see if they could cheer me up, but they all said that I was crying over nothing, that I was stupid for being upset over something as little as that. What they didn’t understand is that I was crying over something much bigger than cancelled plans. After they made my feelings seem invalid is when I truly started to believe what those demons taunted me with. I felt as if I was unloved, and thought that people’s lives would really be better without me.

I got up from my checkered bedspread. I walked over to where I was previously doing homework, with my pencil still in the exact place where I had left off, I picked up a bottle of painkillers poured 5 of them on my hand and took all of them. My stomach immediately complained. Thinking that 5 wouldn’t be enough to kill me, I went down stairs to a compartment in my kitchen where my parents kept their medication. I opened about 3 more bottles and swallowed mouth fulls of pills. I went back upstairs where I texted my girlfriend at the time what I had done. She, not even fazed that I was going to die within minutes, broke up with me over text. My stomach started to churn, and, as expected, I felt my heart slowing down, but out of sheer panic I called 911. Within 5 minutes the ambulance arrived and I was being taken to the local hospital. I blacked out within minutes.The next thing I remember was when I was at the hospital throwing up, then having my stomach pumped. When I was finally conscious, they had informed me that I had ingested 25 pills, and I was a minute away from dying. Part of me then wished that the ambulance had taken longer to reach my house, because maybe then I would have died, but the other part of me was glad I lived. As the day went on, I had several blood tests to see the amount of drugs still in my body. In total that day I was there I had 12 blood tests, 1 every 2 hours. During the night they had put me on a psychiatric hold until family services and a therapist showed up. Meanwhile my mom was yelling at me since she got there (since I was under the age of 18 they were legally required to call her). The next day I was finally able to talk to the therapist and I broke down. Tears streamed down my face as I explained exactly what had happened, and why it did. After painfully long hours of talking they had finally decided what they were going to do with me. They were going to send me to a psychiatric hospital called CCATS. I was transported there by an ambulance, it took about 10 minutes to get there. Once I arrived, I noticed that the outside of it just looked like an enormous dark brown box with tiny windows with bars on them. Once I got in I had an interview with a phycologist named Marissa. She looked to be about 30 years old, she had this long beautiful chocolate colored hair, and her eyes were as green as the trees in a rainforest, sparkling when the light hit them. She asked basic questions about my childhood, family, friends, school, e.t.c. After we talked, I got a psych evaluation. I was diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety, and a panic disorder. After getting diagnosed, I was introduced to the people who I would be living with. The first person I met was this sweet, quirky boy named Loid, he was 15. He had short dirty blonde hair, thin brimmed black glasses. He was really welcoming. Then I was introduced to this older girl, her name was Sarah. Sarah was year older than me, she had stunning long natural red hair, her eyes were as blue as the oceans in the most beautiful beaches in Hawaii. The last person who would be in my group that I met was Cameron. He had a black pixie cut, and oh lord were his eyes blue. Looking into his eyes was like looking into the sky on a clear, warm, summer day.

My first day there was terrifying (though it did make me feel better that I wasen’t the only new kid this boy named Chris started the same day I did). They took away everything, I didn’t have my phone, or my Ipad, I couldn’t wear anything with strings on it, if it wouldn’t come off they would have to cut it out. I couldn’t wear jeans or my favorite crop top. All I had to wear was some baggy sweatpants and a two sizes too-big sweatshirts. I was by myself, since it was an intake program I couldn’t have my parents with me. The first night there was even worse, I screamed, and bawled, and had a complete meltdown. It was the worst night of my life.

The next day I had my first group therapy session where we would go to on Mondays, Wednesdays, and during the week ends. The group therapy time was always the same. Three hours a day, the beginning of it we would have to fill out this form and go around the table sharing. This is what the form looked like:

Daily Goal Sheet

Date:

Name:

Safety Date:

Sobriety Date:

What are you working on at CCATS?

1.

2.

3.

4.

Treatment Goal:

Positives:

Safety and sobriety dates is the day after you have self-harmed and or used substances. Afterwards we would have to rate our mood on a scale from 1 to 10, we would also get advice from one staff and one patient. The stories that I heard were shocking. Chris said something during our group session that has been burned into my memory. He said “If you can name a drug, I have done it.” and that broke my heart, he was 2 years younger than me and to hear that from such a young person it broke my heart. Loid, oh poor Loid. He is transgender and bisexual. Unfortunately his family won’t accept that he is a he, and not a she. His family still calls him by his birth name, Lia. It was shocking hearing about all the things his family has done, just because he is trying to be comfortable in his own skin. Cameron was in a similar situation, his family kept calling him by his birth name, Carla, his stepmom was very homophobic/ transphobic, which made his home life a living nightmare.

Sarah was anorexic, she self-harmed by carving words into her skin, the words she carved that I remember vividly are the words “fat” and “whore” along with the slashes in her skin. The words on her thighs were bright red, showing that she had harmed recently. It was heartbreaking. I didn’t know her for long though, because her last day there (we called it graduation day) was a week after I arrived. On her last day there, their was a new kid in our group, his name was Nyle. Little did I know that he would become one of my best friends that would help me through more things than anyone else. He is someone I can’t live without. He was a year older than me. When he got there he had dirty blonde hair, and blue eyes that would sparkle in the light. At first I thought he was just some pot head that wouldn’t care about recovery or care about stopping, I was very wrong. Nyle was there for substance abuse, anorexia, self harm, and his suicide attempt. Unfortunately his mother is alcoholic, and she used to get abusive when she drank. He was as quiet as can be, he hardly talked. Though there was something about him, something different that I could never quite put my finger on. Why was I so curious about this mysterious new kid? As the time that I’m writing this we have been close for over 5 years and we have gone through everything imaginable together.

Weeks had passed and I was a week away from leaving when this girl showed up. She was beautiful. She had this long silky blonde hair, and blue eyes that would make the coral reefs in Australia jealous. Her name was Briana and she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. As luck would have it we combined groups that day since most people were on a Christmas leave. She was everything I had ever looked for in a person. She was smart, caring, sweet, attentive, and most importantly she was also gay. That day we had to make two vision boards. One was for our goals in the near future and the other was for our long term goals. She and I had almost identical boards, we both wanted the same things in life. To travel, and to make an impact on the world. It was if it was meant to be. She was my age, we had the same goals and (as I would learn weeks later) she was also into me.

Graduation day rolled around and I was ecstatic to finally be out of that living nightmare.

For my graduation, we sat in a circle where next to me were the people that Helped me the most. I chose Nyle, Chris, and two staff members Luana and Jen. It was fun being in the center of the room while the other patients and staff members complimented you. They would also give you a paper with everything that people had said during the graduation, and a personalized rock that they would make in advance. Mine said “Stronger than you think” with the signature superwoman logo on it to remind me that I am stronger that I think. That was the day that my life finally began.

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Weeks later, I would be commemorating one more year of my life. As I approached my eighteenth birthday, I was ecstatic. I would see my friends from Germany that I left almost a decade before. That day all of my worlds would combine. The people from CCATS, my childhood friends, and my classmates. People from every phase of my life in one room. A thousand memories that we would share, hundreds of laughs that would ring in my ears forever, and buckets of smiles that would make my heart warm. That day, I had received a letter from the college of my dreams, the one place I had wanted to study at since I was 9, so I made it so that I would open it while surrounded by the people who I cared deeply about. Since I hadn’t gotten the sweet 16 experience that every girl dreams of, because I opted for a trip around Asia, I decided to make my 18th birthday a blast. The theme of the Night was A Night in Paris where there was a centerpiece Eiffel Tower that stretched from the floor to the ceiling, towering over everything else. There was also a replica of the Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci. The color theme was black, white, and pink. As the night went on music pounded in everyone’s ears until it was 11:50 and it was time for speeches. Nyle talked about my time in the program and the improvements I made, Raquel talked about our childhood, and running down the streets of Offenbach. Even my little nephew gave a speech on how he’s so glad to have an auntie like me. The guests would cheer when the clock hit midnight on February 4th and I was finally turning 18 on the 5th. What a perfect way to celebrate the beginning of my adult life, surrounded by all the people who made me who I am today. People came from all over, some from Germany, some from California where I went to summer camp for a few years, and some from my school. Maria and Raquel showed up, so did Nyle and Briana. I couldn’t have asked for better friends because I already had the best of the best. Afterwards I stood in front of everyone as I opened my letter from Yale University. Everyone was on the edge of their seats when I read “Dear Miss. Weber, we would..”

The crowd held their breaths. “...like to congratulate you on your admission to Yale, class of 2022,” and as I said “congratulate” they went wild. As I cried on stage, a herd of people came to congratulate me on getting into the school of my dreams. I, a girl from the little town of Offenbach made it into one of the top schools in the world. I was exhilarated. I had been trying to get into Yale since I was still learning multiplication. My parents were so proud that they started bawling. My brothers, they finally said that they were proud, after years of me trying to get their approval, here it was. I was getting into an Ivy League school, my parents had dreamed of this day since they had their very first kid 16 years before I was born. My brother, who is 16 years older than me, and was always known as the brains in the family, not even he could get into such a high ranked school when the time had come, congratulated me as he beamed with pride. My little nephew who was 5 when I turned 18, looked at me like I was his hero. It was an amazingly perfect day; in fact I could say that it was one of the best days in my life. Not only did I get into my dream school, but I had the privilege to be surrounded by people I loved.

Before It All Began

I was born on February 5th 2000, in Frankfurt, Germany. When I was a newborn I weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces, my skin was so fair I almost blended into printer paper. My eyes, oh my eyes they were as blue as the feathers on the most beautiful blue jay. My hair, it was as dark as the night, and as soft as a feather. The day I was born, the town was painted white with cold freckles of ice, as if the angels had decorated the city for my arrival to the world. That day the sun shined bright making the snowflakes look like white glitter that was spilled all over. Oh how beautiful it was.

As I grew up I was a happy, excited, bubbly child. I was always so positive about everything. Even on the days that I would get ridiculed and bullied I was still kind and happy. I learned how to hide my emotions behind smiles and hugs. How to avoid my problems by focusing on community service. That is how I went on for years. No one knew how much pain I was in, how much I wanted to give up. Finally when I moved to the United States when I was 10 I started giving up. I no longer smiled, or gave off a cheerful vibe. My first time dragging a blade through my skin was when I was 12. I had seen people do it and I got curious. One cut, two cuts, three. Then it became an addiction, an escape. Seeing the blood run down my arms and thighs was soothing, but of course afterwards always came that stinging feeling that would buzz throughout the cuts. On my worst days I had to wear skirts or dresses so my jeans wouldn’t rip open my flesh. Though I have been self harming in different ways my whole life. I would pick scabs when I fell, or bite the skin around my nails. I can’t remember when I started but I know I have been doing it for years, in subtle ways that no one noticed. I finally got around to cutting when I was 12.

On one particular day when I was 13 I looked at myself in the mirror and I was absolutely disgusted. I saw the rolls of fat I had, and the scars I had left, and all of my imperfections. With every swipe of the blade it hurt, but I kept telling myself that I deserved all of this pain. That I am a worthless human being that will never amount to anything. I hated myself with a burning passion. The person I saw in the mirror was my worst enemy. I hated everything about her. From her hair to her eyes. Though no one knew.

This went on for years. During the summers I wouldn’t swim, or go to the beach. I would sit inside my house with the air conditioning on blast and stay there, watching TV and eating junk food. I was too ashamed to show my scars. To show the world that that happy girl who always helped everyone, was really broken. I never let anyone know until I could no longer take it, and that fateful day happened. The day where I, on my own free will decided to end my life. Thankfully I did not succeed. Even though I thought getting sent to a mental hospital would be the worst thing that could happen, it turned out to be the best thing that happened. If I hadn’t gone there I would have never gotten better, or met my best friend. What first seemed like a nightmare coming true, lead me to the people who I care for the most.

As I am writing this my scars have faded, my mind has gone to ease. I no longer think about hurting myself in any way. I made it. I am alive. I am currently studying to be a teacher, living with my fiance and living the life I always dreamed about. To this day, that boy from CCATS, Nyle is still my best friend and his life completely changed around. He’s living with his husband and his 2 kids while getting the highest awards in the Marine studies field. Life gets better, believe me; so if you are reading this and you are going through a difficult time, remember that life will improve. Keep. Going. Don’t forget to Cont;nue. Your story isn’t over yet.

The importance of the Sem;colon

The semicolon (;) is used when an author could have ended a sentence but decided not to. Many people use it to symbolize when they could have ended their life but didn’t. People who have dealt with eating disorders or mental illness look at the semicolon as a symbol of hope.

[diamonddeposits]

BEST OF 2016-ARTIST LISTS #35- VANSIRE

Pop duo VANSIRE share the 24 tunes that left a lasting impression on them in the year 2016!

JOSH

1. Kedr Livansky - Otvechai Za Slova (Keep Your Word) 

Cold, Russian darkwave/lo-fi techno from the talented Kedr Livansky. This is a really tight release that (for me) conjures images of a blunted rave in a sketchy basement on a frigid night beneath an empty Soviet sky. Ya dig? 

2. Drugdealer - Suddenly feat. Weyes Blood​ 

 Drugdealer, a dude who has also recorded as Silk Rhodes, Run DMT, and Salvia Plath, dropped a stellar album called The End of Comedy. Catchy and sensible pop experimentation; a who’s-who of the weirdo art pop scene breeze their way through this LP. Amongst others, this includes Ariel Pink, members of Mac DeMarco’s band, and Weyes Blood on this particular track. She really kills it on this song, and the album she dropped this year is also worth checking out.

 3. Negative Gemini - You Never Knew 

 ​ As Negative Gemini, Brooklyn-based Lindsey French melds break-beats, woozy electronic instrumentals, danceable tunes and dream pop aesthetics into her own distinctive style of pop music. She exploded onto the scene earlier this year after releasing her first single, and this September she released her debut album Body Work via the venerable George Clanton’s 100% Electronica label. Very cool, forward thinking music from an incredibly talented person.

 4. Leon Vynehall - Midnight on Rainbow Road (Beat Edit)​ 

BOOM! Leon Vynehall makes some of the most texturally layered and colorful UK house music you’re going to find. He dropped a great album this past April, but before that, he dropped this dope-ass single in January. Who wouldn’t want to imagine themselves flying down Rainbow Road at midnight grooving to this? No one, that’s who. 

5. Blue November - Impulse prod. by Contour ​ 

Blue November is my favorite MC from a collective of producers and MCs from Florida called the Left Field Theory, who have also been dropping some tunes on BANY records (like this one). I’m crazy about his work - he has such a strong presence on every track he appears on, and the production on this song is just impeccable.  

6. Castlebeat - Face On the Wall​  It’s safe to say that Sam and I are both massive Castlebeat fanboys. I first started listening to Josh Hwang’s work in October of last year when he dropped his first demo as Castlebeat - he’s also the mastermind behind the band Jaded Juice Riders and Spirit Goth Records. Such tight music. Needs no explanation. 7. Suff Daddy - Piano Joint​ Suff Daddy is a standout Berlin-based hip-hop producer who is a part of the current surge in strong lo-fi boom-clap beats coming out of Germany. Labels like Melting Pot Music and Radio Juicy have been releasing some really cool sounds, and this dude is at the center of it all. I’ve found this track to be really ear-catching; everyone I share it with falls in love with it right away. 

8. Daedelus - Special Re: Quest​ Alfred Darlington has been doing his thing for about fifteen years now, and he really needs no introduction. His newest effort, Labyrinths, is just as strong as anything else he’s put out and it features a lot of cool collabs. This track is a groovy standout. After a year like 2016 sometimes you just need an excuse to dance, so I hope this track proves helpful.

9. Jenny Hval - Conceptual Romance  Jenny Hval is a true artist, and all of her albums are masterpieces. Blood Bitch deserves a great deal of recognition - definitely one of the top LPs to come out this year. Her avant take on pop music is effortlessly atmospheric. I got to see her live a few months back, which was incredible. 

10. Mild High Club - Skiptracing  Mild High Club are one of several artists slowly steering Stones Throw into new uncharted territory, departing from their traditional mold of DOOM Dilla and Madlib-type west coast hip-hop that they pioneered in the early 2000s. So long as long as they continue dropping hazy stoner jams like this one, I’ll be ok with this. This song is just so damn groovy. How many groups can throw in an agogo that smoothly? Not many, I tell ya. 

11. Hoops - 4 U Pt. 2 ​  This Indiana-based band released a string of three lo-fi tapes, somewhat reminiscent of an early Ariel Pink mixed with The Clientele’s pop sensibilities. More recently, they were signed to Fat Possum and dropped a new EP. Woo-hoo! They deserve it - got to see them live and it was fantastic. This track is from their third tape. Fantastic stuff. 

12. Eerie Summer - No Big Deal ​  This Finnish duo (now just one person I think?) are so damn good. Gain-y, jangly tunes that are sure to catch your attention with memorable hooks and nice sounding guitars. Can’t wait to hear what Eerie Summer puts out next.

SAM

 1. Acid Ghost - Artists High​  Ace Barcelon’s latest album Warhol Is one of my favorites from the year. It’s west coast sounds are warm, personal and calming. Something about the guitar riffs in this track really fit just perfectly with the vibe of what my year was and the track kind of gives me a sense of reassurance as we go into this new year. 

2. Castlebeat - Dreamgaze ​ As Josh said we are both huge Castlebeat fan-boys so I also included my favorite track off of his most recent self titled album. This album is super well done for a self made bedroom project. Castlebeat is cream-of-the-crop bedroom pop 

3. Tape Waves - So Fast​  Tape waves is another great dream pop band with catchy guitar riffs and soft, light, female vocals that’ll sing to your soul. The sustain notes in the background of their songs provide just a really nice sonic texture along with floaty guitar riffs giving this song and all of their others super nice vibes.

 4. Bon Iver - _____45_______  Started out as kind of a fringe fan of Bon Iver before 22 a million but as I listened to the album I just grew on me really hard. I chose this track because it is passionate, personal, and the textures that are created by that modulated saxophone just sound so sick. Justin Vernon really nailed the second half of the song after the sax solo, mm, yeah, dats nice! 

5. Nomenclatures - Whence Of The Wince Wanted to go local for one of my tracks and gotta say saw them do a dj set and aw man I was amazed to see people making this kind of music in Minneapolis track seems like it’s inspired by/a continuation of something off of bibio’s Vignetting the compost. Music like this should not go unnoticed so yeah this stuff is really great give it a listen. 

 6. Mild High Club - Skiptracing ​  As josh was saying Mild High Club just really nailed this groovy track. It’s a great opening track to a great album. Skiptracing was one of the highlight albums of the year for me and this year. 

7. Acid Ghost - Not the Same Person ​  This track is also off of Warhol and is truly stands out. The guitars are so tight and come so effortlessly together to create a truly beautiful sound reminiscent of a memory of riding bikes by the beach. Very wonderful west coast feel again. It’s human, reflective, and very pleasing to listen to all of which are tough to find in any single track. 

8. Mutemath - Used To​  I’ve been a sucker for mutemath for a long time and was thrilled with this new album. Its got a more electronic presence but the energy and meaning is still there in all of their songs. Darren king on the drums oh yes, saw them live and I went on mutemath craze for a little bit. 

9. Soft Hair - Lying Has To Stop​  Oh man what a sick song! LA priest and Connan mockasin coming together makes for a great combo! It’s always great to see when talented people com together and make amazing music, but yeah musically I love the synths in this track and the general vibe of the whole deal. 

10. AURORA - Through the Eyes of a Child ​  I almost forgot that this album came out this year but in my opinion aurora is one of the best female vocalists out there. This song is just a beautiful reflection on the beauty of seeing the world through the pure eyes of being a child 

11. Day Wave - Gone ​ Day Wave for sure is on the come-up. I’m so jealous of the riffs in this track. Easily accessible track that you simply cannot listen to and not like. Just not possible.. 

12. Wray - Below Just another one of my favorite guitar chillers with a phat bassline. Calming vocals with a some nice open chords, nothin better really. :-)