#a couple of friends near me have gotten into op through the netflix show!!

[bluestation]

dishes for autumn

[capandruby]

happy endings 2/?

Actually, my story begins a few months before his wife died. 

I was standing in line behind what looked like at least 50 other people - just in this line, not counting the lines on either side of this one - and I was bouncing in between anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. When it was my turn at the front of the line, I’d go into a makeshift tent and I would get to meet the actor responsible for my latest obsession, a well known character on a popular TV show that had just finished its final season. 

I’d come into this obsession late. For a show that had obviously run a 7-year reign on cable television, I’d really missed the boat. My best friend had been telling me to watch the show for a couple of years -- it had lived in my Netflix queue at least that long. One Friday night, with nothing to do and my interest level in doing anything were at an all-time low, I clicked on the show just to give my brain something to do.

I wasn’t even hooked in the first few episodes. It took probably half of the first season for me to really want to continue to watch it, and even then I probably didn’t pay a lot of attention to those episodes. Enter season 2 and my reason for this long line -- Kieran. The actor who played the villain-turned-eventual-good-guy. Each episode made me fall deeper into his character and root for him to succeed in his happy ending. 

Though I’m no stranger to fandom obsessions (Doctor Who, Marvel, Gilmore Girls, anyone?), this was the first time I have been so absolutely invested in a character. His hurts made me cry real, chest-heaving sobs. His triumphs left me satisfied. I wanted his character to be real, and I was real-life jealous of the show girlfriend and their relationship. I wanted my own real-life person just like that to love me just like he did on the show. 

The obsession with this character was real and fast. It didn’t help that I was in a weird point in my life, where I was facing the big 3-0 in a few months with no real accomplishments to my credit. Sure, I had risen to an assistant director position within my department, but work didn’t leave me fulfilled in any way. I had a few close friends, but they lived in different states and cities, and most of our communications took place over group chats, Facebook messenger, and Snapchat. They were all married and had been for years, with some of them starting a family. I hadn’t seen my best friend from high school, who I regularly stayed in touch with all through college even though we were in separate states, but once since she had gotten married. Everyone had couple friends and even babies and I was all alone. Most of my free time was spent browsing the Internet lives of my friends from my phone, or immersing myself in other people’s stories by reading or watching TV shows. I had reached an impossible weight - 40 pounds heavier than I had been just 3 years earlier. It was a time of self doubt and impossibilities, and everything felt too hard - participating in life was too hard. I knew that there had to be something more than the sad existence I was living. 

Watching Kieran act, though, as this character, gave me some hope. I was browsing the show on google when I discovered that they were doing a farewell convention tour with the actors in a few different cities across North America, and there was just two cities left. The closest one was 15 hours from my home, but I saw it as a sign. I was inspired. I might never have an equal to that character in my life. I might never have a happy ending. But I won’t ever know unless I try. So I decided to buy a ticket to the con and change my life at the same time.

The first Monday after finding out about the con, I signed up for a gym membership. Step 1 in remembering how to love myself - start feeling like myself again. I’d gone to the gym for 45 minutes to an hour several times a week - not doing anything major, just using the treadmill and a couple of weight machines to help myself out. I altered my diet to include less takeaway and more home cooked meals with healthier choices. I cut out sweets and drank more water. Slowly I began to lose some of the weight I had gained and feel better about myself as my old clothes began to fit again.

I finally got over my fear of pain and needles and went to get a tattoo I’d been thinking about for almost 10 years - a lightning bolt on my left arm. It reminded me to stay true to myself. I started planning a trip to Ireland, a dream I’d had since at least high school. I always told myself I’d go; perhaps with friends from college after we saved up some money and vacation time from our first big-girl jobs, perhaps with my brother during a summer vacation. Then, as my friends got married and started families and my brother joined the military and moved away, my dreams changed to maybe going as my honeymoon trip. But the years kept moving and I was almost 30 with no husband in sight and a trip still  not taken. 

It was time to stop waiting and start living.

That’s what Kieran did for me.

I was here to tell him thank you, and to satisfy my fangirl heart by getting a quick 30 seconds captured forever by a professional photographer - enter present day, the reason why I was standing in a long line.

I had already spent a significant amount of money to get to this point in the day. The con was show-specific, and sold different levels of “experiences” for different amounts of money. Since this was my birthday present to myself, I rewarded myself with a Tier 2 ticket package that cost over $200. My plane ticket to get here was $150, and the rental car from the airport another $200. I hadn’t counted how much I’d spent in souvenirs, but this photo op was another $100. It was an expensive weekend, but one I thought I’d earned. 

I’d come alone, for all of the same reasons mentioned above. But at least at cons, you’re united with everyone else there for the biggest reason of loving the same thing, the same people, the same fictional world. It’s easy to talk to strangers in lines and panels when you’re all there for the same reason. 

That’s why I didn’t think it was strange when the girl who was walking down the line toward me stopped and said hello. She looked about my age and was very pretty - noticeably pretty - with long strawberry blonde hair in soft waves and big green eyes. She wasn’t wearing any fandom merch, but she was wearing a different colored badge indicating the highest level of ticket experience. 

“Hi,” she said, in a softly accented voice. “I’m Brigid. Are you here to see Kieran?” 

“Hey, I’m Anna. Yeah, I’m here to see Kieran. Actually, I’m here only to see Kieran. The rest is really just a bonus.”

“Really. I always like to ask, what is it you love about Kieran?” she asked me.

I looked at her, thinking about what to say. “Honestly? I fell in love with his character. I don’t know much about him personally. I just wanted a chance to meet him and say thank you. He played a part in changing my life.”

She lifted an eyebrow in skepticism. I watched her mull over my response. She looked so familiar to me, but I couldn’t place her. Maybe she had sat near me in a panel earlier today? Maybe she was a vendor and I had purchased something from her earlier -- that would explain the different colored badge. 

“He changed your life? How is that possible if you’ve never even met him?”

I sighed. “It’s not that he personally did anything, I guess. It’s kind of hard to explain. Watching his character turn from a villain into a good person, someone who would do absolutely everything in his power to protect the one he loves...how he still struggled with believing that he was good enough to deserve love and get a happy ending. That really resonated with me in a time in my life where I was struggling with myself and my worth. His journey reminded me that I may not get a happy ending. I may never find my own true love. But I can’t wait for life to start. I’m 30 years old. Life is moving on without me. I have to stop waiting and start living. That’s what I mean when I say he changed my life. With his character, his acting - that was him, even if it was in just a small way. I’d like to say thank you.”

She smiled. “I can understand that. Hey, come with me for a second.” She reached out and touched my arm, then turned and started walking away.

“Wait! I can’t leave the line or I’ll miss my picture time!” I called after her.

She turned back to me. “Trust me, I can get you back in line in a bit. You should come check this out first. There will be plenty of time for pictures later; I’ve got a badge that will get you back in. You won’t miss your spot if you keep up with your picture ticket.” She said, starting to walk again. 

Stop waiting, start living, I told myself, stepping out of line and following her. 

previous / next