#a bit tmi?? but im kinda just to pissed to care honestly

[friesian]

5:45 am still sick as a dog. just took my heavy duty meds tho so maybe that'll stop it. i'm so fucking angry and tired though.

i really don't get whats so hard about doctors just fucking believing their patients and not doing redundent tests. maybe its the american healthcare system. maybe its because im AFAB. maybe its because i live in west virginia. maybe its all of the above but for fucks sake i should not be in this much consistent pain with a consistent pattern and just be told "yep! you're certainly feeling." and then sent away.

i've been like this since i was 14 after my stomach shut down for over a year. it does this the most near my cycle. i have no idea if its paranoia but im honestly pretty hard pressed to say that i feel hard masses around my lower abdomen. i don't know why i need to be 23, and be in such agonizing pain when a gyno tries to stick a q-tip in me that i cry, that they finally decide to have an ultrasound to look in that region. you would think imaging would be the first thing any of them would do, but instead! no! heres colonoscopy after endoscopy after colonoscopy and its the same shit of "yeah thats a colon! probably just ibs just go away babe"

if you're telling me everyone else lives in this much dysfunction with their colon and that's normal then i'd love to know what the fuck i must be doing wrong to achieve this level of pain and agony that i cannot function over 2 weeks out of a month. i cannot hold a job. i cannot hold friendships. i can barely hold my fucking food. i ate gluten free bread and chicken scraps today for dinner. that's it. i do not think a normal colon is supposed to die from gluten free bread and chicken scraps.

im hoping and also dreading that they find something in my imaging on the 3rd. if they see a horrid mass, or endometrial tissue taking up my entire abdomen that would explain a lot. but the fact that now i have to remove it and also deal with the fact that it was that easy to find but you only chose to do so now at the age of 23 will emotionally wreck me for the rest of my life. i spent all of high school either at home or sitting in public stalls having panic attacks over how much pain i was in. no one should have to deal with this shit. especially not a child who should have focused on growing up and learning, not if they were going to shit themselves 11 hours out of the day.

i apologize for the long winded rant but fucks sake, i am incredibly tired of being in pain like this when i know if i was taken seriously, i could probably have this solved already. fuck doctors sometimes, fucking hell.