#a bit ironic really given that he belongs in the mountains and not the sand

[queenlucythevaliant]

The most unfortunate boy

The girl as true as steel

+ Bonus: their son, the most famous king to ever rule Archenland

[kootenaygoon]

So,

Resurrection wasn’t a real thing, and it never would be.

While I fidgeted uncomfortably in a back-row pew, leafing repeatedly through the funeral program, my gaze settled on a placid stained glass Jesus ascending with arms outstretched. The ragged wounds in his wrists were still visibly bleeding as robed men cowered before him, their faces turned up in horror and awe. No wonder this narrative was so compelling, so universal, this doe-eyed saviour conquering our greatest enemy. But it didn’t change our reality on the ground, our present tense. I envied the people who found solace in this story, who really believed in this zombie Messiah. He loomed above a gleaming oak casket adorned with floral swirls, situated behind a framed portrait of Kessa in which she smirked bemused, like she was about to roll her eyes.

The service was running late as people continued to stream in, eyes pink, looking for the few remaining available spots. The family was all clustered in the front row, huddled together for comfort, while a few serious-looking men stood guard with grim expressions. The music wasn’t what you would normally expect at a funeral — no organs or hymns or sorrowful ballads — instead they were playing contemporary radio hits: Lana Del Ray, Shania Twain, even Nickelback. I wondered if somebody had commandeered Kessa’s iPod, or found her favourite iTunes playlist. This seemed like the type of music a teenage girl would like, the type of girl who grew up rural but dreamed of the big city. I watched her Elephant Mountain friends embrace, squealing with grief, and dab dramatically at their makeup. 

When I looked down at my fingers, they were trembling. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been inside a church, and something about the ambience was dredging up subterranean nostalgia, uncomfortable memories from my childhood, visions of serving as an altar boy and kneeling before the reverend to receive communion. In my white and red robes I used to proudly march down the centre aisle with a golden crucifix held high, proud to serve God. Was that person still inside of me somewhere?

“This shit is giving me the heebie jeebies,” said Ryan Tapp, appearing beside me with a silver vape dangling from his lips. He kicked one foot up on the pew in front of him and exhaled, the white mist wafting into the rafters like swirling spirits.

“Dude, you can’t vape in here.”

He smirked. “Nobody even knows I’m here but you.”

“Still, man. It’s disrespectful. Would you cut that shit out?”

He sighed dramatically, then tucked it into his shirt. He still looked exactly the same as when he died in 2015, but today he was sporting a bit of stubble. He rubbed his palm across his Gaston chin, ran his fingers through his slick hair, then snatched the program from out of my hands with a plafyul grin.

I snatched the program back. “Fuck off. You’re going to get me in trouble.”

“What?”

“There’s a girl laying dead up there, man. Have some respect.”

This wasn’t a great time for this particular hallucination. I could tell that approaching this story would be complex, would require tact and stealth and professionalism. I had to convince this family that I was the guy to take this on, that I could make things better, though really I doubted I could. The stakes were high here, because the opioid crisis wasn’t slowing down. If I could convince even one person to seek help, to get treatment, to give this shit up, then it would all be worth it. 

But I couldn’t do that toting around an imaginary friend.

“Hey man,” Ryan said. “Blayne’s here.”

I straightened up. She was? I scanned the crowd until I spotted her, dark-eyed and lupine, embracing one of Kessa’s friends near the front. Beside her was Josta, the Daenarys lookalike from my upside down dream. They clutched each other’s forearms and murmured reassuringly to each other, their faces nearly touching. 

It had been over a year since my blow-out with Blayne, since she wriggled free of our entanglement. I still felt a protective yearning, a deep-seated affection for her, like she was my responsibility rather than just some girl I was obsessed with for a couple of months. I thought about the photos we took at Red Sands, about the coy smile she’d directed my way. A few months after we parted ways she sent me an email asking me to delete them from my computer, which I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to purge them from my email archives. Of all the countless photos I’d taken over the years, they were the most enrapturing. I felt like they belonged in a gallery somewhere.

I was still deep in this reverie when the service began, as Kessa’s family and friends approached the front to deliver their tearful eulogies. Ryan picked at his fingernails, bored, as Josta took the stage. I fished out my phone and hit record as she began to speak.

“For those of you who don’t know me, I was Kessa’s close friend. We met at the beginning of Grade 9 and we just connected, and we’ve been best friends ever since. I feel so blessed that I knew her,” she said, her voice quavering. She didn’t look like a queen now, but a scared little girl.

“I’m super proud to know someone as amazing as her. She was the greatest friend I ever had. She was so funny, supportive, loving and so vibrant. She was always there for me when I needed her. I love her and I will miss her for the rest of my life.”

After that, one of Kessa’s teachers took the stage. Mrs. Costa. She placed one palm on the coffin as she rhapsodized about her students’ fierce personality, her fiery drive to succeed. Mrs. Costa described her as a bit of a tomboy, perpetually ready to scrap, but with a kind heart. As she talked I flashed back to the Elephant Mountain grad in 2016, that day when I’d watched those kids celebrate dodging their classmates’ imaginary bullets. I thought of all the students in sparkling dresses and carefully ironed tuxedos, walking across the stage to get their diplomas, blissfully unaware of how fate was going to pluck them out of existence. Tears dribbled down my cheeks.

Next came a broad-shouldered, lumbering man with a tidy grey goatee and thin-framed glasses perched on the end of his nose. He looked like he could be a university professor, or maybe a lawyer. He introduced himself as Kessa’s pseudo-grandfather, and also as her godfather. His voice was strained to the point of breaking, so at moments it was like he was choking out his words rather than speaking them. 

He seemed more angry than sad.

“This isn’t supposed to happen. People should be my age or older when they die. So people can stand in the place I stand today and talk about their life, their families, their kids, their accomplishments and all the other things that come from a long life,�� he said.

“When someone so young dies, what usually comes up is the question why? We usually know or have an idea about how, but never why. I don’t think we will ever be able to answer that question accurately.”

He paused to clear his throat.

“Kessa was strong beyond her years and courageous. She was extremely resilient, bouncing back over and over when many would have given up. It has said that she was an old soul in a young body,” he said.

“When she worked, she applied herself better than many kids her age. She had an energy about her in so many ways, whether it was outdoors, at work or at home.”

At this point someone in the audience let out a sharp wail, like a yodel, and for a moment Kessa’s godfather stopped to look out at the audience. I held my phone in my hand, recording his words, while my eyeballs burned in their sockets. Ryan’s face had hardened beside me, and he grimaced like he was about to punch something. Then he continued, talking about how Kessa had struggled over the years to find her place in the world.

“She shared with me much of what her struggles were in confidence so I can’t really divulge what those were, except to say that they were not of her choosing. All I can say is that she was transformed from a vibrant innocent girl to a teen that became conflicted inside,” he said.

“One of the most difficult parts of standing and talking to you today is wanting to give her a voice. What would she want me to say to you if she were here to say it? I think she would want to say that she is in a place now of forever peace, and she knows she will see you one day.”

The Kootenay Goon

[choupetit]

GOT Recap: The Queen’s Justice

Airdate:  7/30/17 

Season 7, Episode 3

Hell hath no fury like Cersei on the warpath and this week she was certainly on a ROLL! Lots of great stuff happened in the latest episode, including a much-anticipated meeting between two of my favorite characters.  And we even had some rare moments of comedic relief.  Game of Thrones is picking up some major speed, so let’s hop right onto the crazy train and get this recap of “The Queen’s Justice” started!

So, um…I’m Kind of a Big Deal

Huzzah! Rather than make us all wait for the big Daenerys/Jon Snow meet-up, we start right off the bat with the good stuff:  Jon Snow arrives at Dragonstone along with his trusty advisor, Ser Davos, and they are greeted at the shore by Missandei and Tyrion.  Jon and Tyrion give each other a good-natured hello along the lines of “Hey, Bastard! lol” -”Yo, Dwarf. rofl”. [Side note: I was really hoping for one of those pregnant pauses where they just look at each other seriously and then say “C’mere, you!!” and embrace in a big, friendly bro hug.  This didn’t happen. Color me disappointed.]   Missandei kindly asks them to surrender all their weapons, because even though they’ve heard how cool Jon is, one can never be too careful when returning from exile to dethrone the current monarch. Foreign Invader Strategies 101, y’all.

On the long,meandering walk up to the castle (which, it must be said, is really quite scenic), Tyrion notes that Jon made a bold move showing up at Dragonstone to meet with Queen Dany, especially since Stark men haven’t fared too well with Targaryens in the past - to which Jon replies he’s not a Stark - oh if only he KNEW!!! As if on cue, one of Dany’s enormous dragons appears out of nowhere and swoops over them, flying off into the distance. It startles the bejesus out of Jon and Davos as they stop, drop, and cover. For their sake, I really hope they get to put on a change of clothes before meeting Dany.   

Much higher up the path, we see Melisandre looking down at Jon Snow, when Varys creeps up.  He questions why she was so keen to have Jon visit, and yet, is hiding away.  Mel keeps things vague and only lets on that mistakes were made on her part and she’s ready to head back to Volantis.  Varys tells her to stay there, but she tells him she must return one day with the cryptic phrase “I must die in this strange country, just like you.” They both share a meaningful look.  Wait, what?  What is going on here?!  Do these two have some kind of history together, or just lots of intel on each other? It’s all very mysterious and now I’m intrigued. 

On to Dany’s throne room! Missandei introduces Daenerys to her visitors, rattling off the long list of titles Dany has.  When it’s time for Jon’s intro, Ser Davos is all “This is Jon Snow.”  Jon looks at him like “Duuuuuude! Come ooooooon, I’m trying to make an impression here!” Davos adds “He’s the king in the North”. It’s a strained meeting to say the least - Right out the gate, Dany  comes on strong with her claim to the throne, citing there is no “King in the North”, seeing how the North is one of the kingdoms that belongs to the ruler on the Iron Throne. She demands that Jon swear his loyalty to her, citing that time when an ancient Stark ancestor made a fealty agreement with a Targaryen that spans forever ever (forever, ever?! Yeah.  Forever ever).  Jon is like “Nah, I’m good, let’s talk about snow zombies”…which really goes over well. Dany gets all puffed up saying that Jon will be in open rebellion to her if he won’t bend the knee. In Jon’s defense, they are all running out of time and he can’t be fighting a war for Dany.  But Tyrion points out, that the fight for the throne has already begun and they can’t just channel their inner Zack Morris and call a time out while they clear up the pesky Night King/Army of Dead situation.  Also, they kinda don’t believe him. Davos goes into total hype man mode and starts to rattle off Jon’s resume and all the things he’s done for the North and how he got stabbed in the heart and Jon gives him a look that screams “Ix-nay on the resurrection alk-tay, man! They already don’t believe this whole Whitewalker stuff!”

The meeting is cut short when Varys arrives with some important news. Jon and Davos are sent to their rooms for some R&R and Dany lets them know their current status is “esteemed guests who are not yet prisoners.”

Varys breaks the news to Dany on the Euron Greyjoy ambush.  Ugh.  Well there goes the Greyjoy and Martell support. When Dany asks if there were any  survivors on her side, we get a very brief cut to Theon being fished out of the water by one of the Good Greyjoy ships that survived the ambush of the Bad Greyjoys.  Needless to say, Theon can’t get no respect from the crew.

Killer Queen

While we’re on the subject of Greyjoys…Euron has returned to King’s Landing with the gift he promised Cersei:  Ellaria Sand and her daughter, Tyene  aka the ones who sneakily murdered Cersei and Jaime’s daughter, Myrcella. Well, well, well, isn’t payback a biatch? After parading through town with his prisoners -who get a proper public-shaming from the good people of King’s Landing - Euron delivers the duo to Cersei with much bravado. Cersei is extremely pleased and tells Euron he’ll get what he wants (her hand in marriage) once the war against Daenerys is won.  In the meantime, she appoints him as her naval commander and then moves on to the most important business of the day: Revenge.

In one of the dungeons of the Red Keep, Cersei along with Qyburn and Frankenmountain pay Ellaria and her daughter a visit.  The prisoners are chained and gagged and Cersei launches into a blistering, taunting, calculated monologue about how she’s been planning for this day, deciding how she would punish Ellaria. She lays out various gruesome scenarios and finally, Queen C plants a big ol’ kiss on Tyene’s lips and mother and daughter immediately realize that she’s been given the kiss of death with the same poison that was used to kill Cersei's own daughter.  Poetic justice. In true Cersei fashion before sauntering off, she lets Ellaria know that she’ll have the pleasure of watching her daughter die and decompose in front of her as she lives out the rest of her days in this cell, contemplating her poor choices in life.

Next, Cersei joins Jaime in his chambers to jump his bones, cause revenge just makes her super horny.  Naturally.  

The next morning, Cersei has a visitor.  It’s a representative of the Iron Bank of Braavos, and they want their two dollars…and then some.  The bank is concerned about the impending war between Cersei and Daenerys and the outstanding mountain of debt the Lannisters still owe the bank. The rep hints the bank is considering funding Queen Dany since they aren’t about to loan Cersei any more money until she pays back the current loan. Cersei assures the banker that Lannisters always pay their debts and if he can hold off for just one more day, the debt will be paid in full.  Oooh, what’s up her sleeve this time?

Whattaya Want From Meh?!

Back at Dragonstone, Jon is getting some fresh air and brooding as only he can.  Tyrion joins him and makes a few attempts at humor, but Jon is, like, totally super bummed out, man, ‘cause he really needs to save his people from the damn ice zombies that nobody else believes in and it’s just so freakin’ frustrating, uuuuugh! Tyrion tells Jon his request would be a tall order for anybody during a first-time meeting.  He points out that Dany and Jon have quite a bit in common in that they both care about helping and saving others and that Jon should give things some time for Dany to come around once she gets a clearer feel for who Jon is.  But ain’t nobody got time for that! Jon and the North are running out of time and he needs help now, so Tyrion asks him if Jon has any other, doable, requests.  Hmm.  Well, ya know…there just happens to be all that dragon glass which Jon came for…

Cut to Dany and Tyrion in the war room as Tyrion talks Dany into allowing Jon to mine the dragon glass as a show of good faith to help win Jon Snow as an ally. It’s a great scene peppered with a handful of funny moments.

Dany goes out to join Jon on the mountain top, and they watch her dragons flying in the distance.  She tells him how people thought dragons didn’t exist anymore, and indicates that perhaps she can be a bit more openminded about other things that sounds impossible.  She lets him know his wish for the dragon glass is granted and that she’ll even provide the necessary resources to mine it.  When Jon asks if this means she believes him in regard to the Whitewalkers, Dany simply tells him he’d better hop to it. Nice dodge, Dany.

Meanwhile at Winterfell, Sansa is totally killing it in the upper management department and is in total doomsday prep mode, making sure they have enough food for the long winter, and the proper armor to fight the army of dead. She has a moment alone with Littlefinger who gives her some unsolicited advice, and we get a peek into the inner workings of his mind.  He tells her that if the North happens to defeat the Whitewalkers and humanity as they know it is saved and intact, she needs to be prepared for what happens afterwards.  He suggests a fabulous pastime that involves imagining every possible scenario that can ever happen at any time, based on whether a person is a friend or an enemy - that way nothing will ever come as a surprise, because she’ll already have lived and seen it in her mind’s eye.  Considering they don’t have Facebook in this world, it sounds like a pretty effective way to stay busy and keep the mind sharp.  So what if it probably makes you paranoid and one of the side effects is that you’ll start making scheme-y faces all the time? And on the plus side, once Sansa is done plotting out every single possible scenario she can think of, she can start writing GOT fan fiction and possibly pitch a spin-off to HBO. Wink, wink.

Littlefinger’s advice session is cut off when they hear a commotion in the courtyard and Sansa is called over.  It’s Bran!  Our little baby’s all grownsed up! Sansa runs over to her bro and hugs him.  It’s a sweet moment and not unlike the reunion with Jon at Castle Black.  I do love a good Stark sibling reunion!

Sansa and Bran have a private chit chat at the Godswood tree. Sansa says she wishes Jon was here for the reunion and Bran throws out as an aside, “Yeah, me too, I have something to tell him”…like what, Bran? Like who his real parents are??? Can somebody please send a raven to Dragonstone, stat, cause it could really help clear things up for Jon during his visit with Auntie Dany right now.  Ok, I digress. Sansa points out that Bran’s the oldest living Stark son, and the rightful Lord of Winterfell.  But her little bro tells her how he’s not the lord of anything, seeing how he is now the Three-Eyed-Raven and she’s like “Wtf does that mean?” Bran tells Sansa he can see everything that has ever happened and also things that are happening now, though only in flashes, and that he’s working on getting better at this ability so he can make sense of things. When he mentions her wedding night, it freaks Sansa out and she excuses herself to go back inside. Bran is eerily calm and dreamy in his demeanor the whole scene and you really start to feel that with all the stuff he’s seen while warging, he seems to be losing a part of his humanity - or at the very least, his own sense of self. 

Rebel, Rebel

At the Citadel, Archmaester Marwyn is examining Ser Jorah’s skin, noting a seemingly remarkable recovery.  Marwyn lets on that he knows exactly what happened, but Jorah is sticking with the story that he just took a nap and started to feel better.  Boom, living proof that naps are good for you! Marwyn confirms that Jorah is fully healed and is good to go on his merry way.  But he tells Sam to visit him in his office later.  Ruh roh, Samwell Tarly, you got some ‘splaining to do! Ser Jorah thanks Sam and tells him he’s going to head back to his Khaleesi.

Later in Marwyn’s office, Sam gets a slap on the hand for disobeying the archmaester.  He asks Sam how he managed to heal Jorah when so many archmaesters who have tried the procedure in the past have failed.  It’s simple really, Sam read and followed the instructions.  In my head, I’m cutting to Gilly saying “You’re like…a wizard!”. The archmaester gives Sam a verbal pat on the back for saving Jorah’s life, and then it’s back to the usual grind: some scrolls need to be copied and Sam is the lucky guy who gets to be a human Xerox machine. Marwyn tells him that if he was expecting a reward for his good deed with Jorah it’s that he isn’t being expelled. Aw, man, Sam can’t get a break.  Very fun scene though.

War Games

Back at Dragonstone, Dany is in the war room with her advisors. She wants to hop on a dragon, find Euron’s fleet and torch it to the bottom of the sea, but everybody talks her out of it.  Even if her dragons are strong and nearly invincible, Dany would endanger herself while riding on Drogon, as anybody could try to shoot her down, and it’s a risk she can’t take.  Tyrion reminds her they need to keep their eye on the prize: the siege of Casterly Rock.

Misandei - who clearly has Grey Worm on the brain after her last steamy encounter with him - asks what’s in store for the Unsullied and so we get a cool action sequence of the invasion while Tyrion narrates what will happen, noting that Casterly Rock has a sewer system that allows access into the impenetrable walls of Tyrion’s childhood home - he designed it himself to sneak whores in, back in his younger days.  We see the Unsullied army fight their way past the gates while a group led by Grey Worm sneaks in via the sewer system.  The Unsullied have soon defeated the Lannister army, but it’s all too easy and there aren’t nearly as many men as they expected.  Grey Worm asks a fallen Lannister soldier where everybody else is, and when he looks up, he sees the Unsullied ships have all been set ablaze.  Well, crap.  That’s twice now that Dany’s plans have been foiled.  Maybe she needs better advisors.

And where, indeed, have all the Lannister soldiers gone? We see the giant army advancing to High Garden, home of the Tyrell family - also the richest family in Westeros.  And leading them are Jaime Lannister along with Randyll Tarly and his son, Dickon. Ugh, sell-outs!  Lady Olenna watches from her room as her home is besieged.  She knows what comes next.  And Cersei has indeed fulfilled her promise to the Iron Bank as her army seizes all that Tyrell gold.

Once the battle is over, Jaime is in Lady Olenna’s room.  The old lady is seated at a table, resigned to her fate.  She asks how she’ll be killed and Jaime tells her he talked Cersei out of the more violent options she had entertained, and that it’ll be a painless death by poison. He pours a vial into her glass, and Lady Olenna swigs it down like a champ. As soon as she has ingested the poison she reveals that it was she who poisoned King Joffrey at his wedding.  Jaime’s face is aghast and Lady Olenna tells him she wants Cersei to know it was her.  Ya gotta hand it to Olenna, sticking it to Cersei one last time. 

Day-um! And there we have it.  Nearly halfway through the season and sh*t be going down! I thoroughly enjoyed this episode. Pretty disapointed for Dany that her advisors couldn’t have thought that Cersei would anticipate the Casterly Rock attack and send the majority of her men to fight the Tyrells.  But it certainly raises the stakes, now that things aren’t looking so easy for Dany and she’s on her own again.  She’d better start making new friends quickly.  Seeing how things turned out for the Martells and Tyrells, however, my guess is that not too many houses will want to cross the reigning queen 

Ok, time for a little chit chat and some theories. There are so many questions I have: Will Jon find out about his true heritage while he’s still at Dragonstone? If so, where does that put him in the line of succession? Does the bastard son of Rhaegar outrank the legitimate daughter as heir to the throne? Not that Jon would want to be king… Is Arya going to make it to Winterfell? I really want to see her wind up killing Cersei while wearing a Jaime face.  When will The Hound and his co-horts meet up with the rest of the players in the North? Surely having some Lord of Light believers will help their cause, but what are they gonna do - pray the snow away?  Will Cersei ever get tired of winning so much? I figure her next move has gotta be to hit Dragonstone whilst ambushing the Unsullied army on their way back from Casterly Rock…oh the possibilities!  I hope Jon and Dany can come to an agreement on an alliance swiftly.  And will Cersei ever be asked to join the fight against the Whitewalkers? It certainly would be in her best interest, though I’m sure any help she offers will be the kind that puts her in aprime position to continue ruling the seven kingdoms once/if the army of dead is defeated.

I definitely want more Bran visions.  I have a half-baked theory that the old three-eyed-raven who lived in the tree is an older version of Bran and he is caught in some crazy time loop. And there are rumors flying around the interwebs that Tyrion is actually also a Targaryen (some believe the Mad King had the hots for Tyrion’s mom, so maybe he raped her? It would explain why Tywin hated him so much).  If so, perhaps we’ll end up seeing Dany, Jon and Tyrion each mounting a dragon and laying waste to the Whitewalkers.  Who knows, maybe Cersei will even throw in some dragon fire for their cause - I’m sure she held onto a few barrels. 

Ok, that’s enough with my musings for now. Until next week, my dears.  And if you happen to see the new Qyburn lipstick collection at your local department store beauty counter, may I suggest the new “Drop Dead Gorgeous” shade? I hear it’s to die for.