#a Lot of unnecessary drama coming out of seattle

[the-physicality]

....

[jordan202]

15x10 Review

At your demand, here it is!  Since you guys have flooded my inbox with requests, and I am now going to flood your timeline by replying to each one muahaha.

I have to say, I didn’t have many expectations going into the episode, which turned out to be great, because I was very positively surprised, especially with the finale(s). Let’s go through that.

Ok so, there is an established tendency in Grey’s to center subplots of an episode around the same common theme. For me, this episode was entirely focused on choices.

Catherine dealt with her choice to hide her cancer from her family and loved ones.

Meredith continued with her saga and her unavoidable upcoming choice between DeLuca and DeLink.

Bailey and Webber chose not to allow their mental health issues to dictate who they are.

Glasses chose to be Lenses.

Owen chose Amelia.

And I made my choice too.

 I will explain that better! Click on the expand button and join me on the ride!

The episode picks up in the immediate aftermath of the last installment. Tom is asking for Amelia’s help in coming up with a treatment plan for Catherine’s tumor, but it’s her mind isn’t very focused. She is tearing up, clearly distressed by the (IMO) very mature decision she and Owen just made to give each other time to process what’s going on. It’s not necessarily a breakup, more like a timeout to get your head out of the water and see things in a different perspective.

What I really liked about this scene was how obviously affected Amelia was. None of us like to see her suffering, of course, but it was a remarkable display of affection and longing for the man she loves, and the relationship she is so invested in. I remember last season one of my main criticisms about the way they were writing Amelia was that they gave a lot of focus to the repercussions of her post-tumor status at the workplace, but gave little room to her personal life. We saw how the tumor affected Amelia’s work skills, but we rarely got to see how her emotions were in her journey to figure out who was sans tumor.

This season however we are getting a full plate of Amelia’s feelings and thoughts, and so far I like this feast. I like that her vulnerable side is again at the table, because this is a character we can absolutely relate to.

Meanwhile, we see Teddy pursuing a job, so she of course, went to Bailey. Bailey is someone I used to admire a lot in the first seasons, but have come to quite dislike as the seasons progressed. I have to say though, she absolutely nailed it with her reaction to Teddy’s pregnancy. To me, her body language was saying “Oh, so you got yourself in this complicated situation, moved here at your own will without even bothering to check if you’d be welcome first, and now you’re acting like you’re a victim to your own demise? Yeah, I am not interested in hearing about that. Go find someone else to whine to.”

Bailey walking out of the situation is exactly what I felt like doing when I first learned about this storyline. It just seems excessively contrived, unnecessary, avoidable and absolutely unwelcome. No one needed that drama. No one.

But since the writers apparently weren’t done making Teddy even more of a pity case than she already has become, we had to witness her insulting both Maggie and Karev (probably the two people more like to back Amelia after Owen).

What bothered me about this moment isn’t the fact that Teddy was dumb enough to change her entire life without checking first. It wasn’t even the fact that she quit her job and changed continents to pursue a guy who clearly doesn’t want to be with her, and now acts like she is being demonized because she can’t get what she wants. It’s rather the way she arrogantly puts herself above others and talks down on people she doesn’t even know.

Owen appears and somehow, he looks hot and manly even when wiping his runny nose. Typical Owen to work even when he has the flu (as a pediatric intesivist, I wonder who gave them the flu in the first place?) That’s right, I am looking at you, you daycare virus carrying little monster.

Owen then learns that while Seattle has many hospitals, Teddy has chosen to work at the exact place he is in. Because that won’t make everything even more complicated, right? But apparently, as every other decision that Teddy makes that affects him too, he is not consulted and is the last one to find out. And whereas Owen has no say in where Teddy decides to work or not, her lack of courtesy and consideration for the way her decisions are affecting his life becomes quite highlighted here.

“Do you know that Alex Karev is interim chief?”

Uh, no Teddy, he doesn’t. He’s only been running a department at the hospital for a decade now, but has no idea who is in charge and who he should report to. HEHEHEHE 

Teddy is upset that Owen is angry with her, and she tells him that the only reason why she changed her entire life was FOR HIM. That’s right, FOR HIM. She immediately follows it with a “so that you could be a part of the baby’s life”. And I know this was not intentional, but talk about a Freudian slip. I will explain.

Never since this entire thing began (and this is one of the main reasons why I have a beef with this arc and the hypocrisy of the writers by saying they are not “making a triangle”, “putting woman against woman”, etc) Teddy has never really made it about the child. Instead, this is all about herself. About the sacrifices she’s done, what she wants, what’s better for herself. I didn’t see her making one decision based on what’s best for the baby. Initially, she was worried about how Owen would receive the news, worried that he might “claim her” for the wrong reasons, worried that she might be vilanized, etc. Aside from the first moment we found out she was pregnant, I haven’t seen Teddy expressing joy or taking comfort in the fact she is having a baby, or making it about the baby. By saying she “the entire reason I upended my entire life was for you,” to Owen, she is confirming with words what we’ve seen her doing with actions, which is pursuing Owen despite the fact he was horrible to her in Germany, pretty much ignored her presence ever since she arrived in Seattle, chosen Amelia over her repeatedly, and hasn’t done anything to deserve her consideration. Teddy’s lack of self respect added to her ulterior motives have turned her into someone quite hard to root for.

I mean, she was the one who had a steady job in Germany. According to herself, she had a good social life, a great job, friends, a system that supports mothers. If that was so great, why did she even move? By her description, life in Germany was better for her and for the baby, so how come Owen’s needs and wishes were placed before her own, at the point that she moved to Seattle for him?

Grey’s writers, you are doing a terrible job inspiring people out there who are in similar positions.

Anyway, the conversation ends with Owen pointing out that had Teddy not taken that long to inform him of the consequences of their action (and let me point out that not once Owen has even considered not taking responsibility for them, as he should), things might have not escalated so much. He used the words “Crap Situation.”  It really is a crap situation, because Owen is getting to have something that he has always longed for, but in the worst possible conditions. He’s always wanted a family, but having a baby with someone other than the woman he loves wasn’t what he had in mind and we all know it.  

Amelia shows up just in time to hear the last bit of the conversation, and without the context, she has every reason to be upset, especially considering we’ve seen how much she’s hurting over this. We’ve seen passive aggressive Amelia before, but passive aggressive vulnerable Amelia has got to be a fan favorite.

Casting Teddy aside, Owen is quick on his heels to chase her.

In the following scene, we see Owen trying his best to communicate and apologize, but Amelia is not going to make it easy for him. When I first watched this scene, my first thought was “great, now we’re back to season 13 and Amelia is pushing Owen away and torturing him and we’re gonna have to endure long weeks of that.”Thankfully, that was not the case. Sarcasm can be a real outlet to deal with hurt feelings, but it’s not funny when it’s a character’s (or person’s) only resource.

Tom is quick to meddle in the conversation and while at it, he is quick to pester Owen about his “flu”. “We’re busy. Way too busy to catch whatever it is that you’re losing a fight against, so…” It might seem Tom doesn’t care about what’s going on, but I see it as him taking Amelia’s side and helping her avoid dealing with a situation she is not exactly in a condition to confront right now.

After unsuccessfully trying to get Amelia to talk to him (Owen actually volunteering to talk about his feelings, what a nice change!), Owen accepts that it’s not happening and retreats. I honestly expect to witness many more of these little battles between Tom and Owen in the future, because the dynamics this can potentially have is very exciting.  It’s a nice clash of the Alpha Male versus the Omega Male and it’s a huge turn on. I need more of that in my screen instead of having to put up with Jackson Soy Boy Avery as the representation of masculinity on the show. 

Teddy then resorts to Maggie, but the conversation doesn’t go very well. As the current chief updates her on how the department is run, Teddy’s primary response is to make sure Maggie knew she was responsible for making improvements when she was in charge. Teddy preaches an honest exchange, and the hypocrisy of her claim added to the resentful way she made her remark lead Maggie to (rightfully) question her logic.

And instead of simply admitting that hiding her pregnancy for so long wasn’t right, which would have put an end to the conversation and probably embarrassed Maggie to bring out a personal issue during that professional conversation, Teddy just infuriates us even more by somehow trying to justify herself. 

I mean, I am not saying Teddy owes Maggie any kind of explanation, but she is the one who went to Maggie in the first place. If she wants to be considered as a candidate, and if she wants to work under Maggie, the least she can do is try to make a good impression. But nope, not gonna happen. Teddy might as well just keep playing her victim card.

Meanwhile, Amelia and Tom are still trying to figure out a way to approach Catherine’s tumor and he drops one of the best lines in the episode. “Don’t take your baby daddy drama out on our tumor baby”. Tom is just becoming a fan favorite at this point. My favorite thing about the guy is that, while he is very supportive of Amelia and her feelings, he doesn’t put up with any bullshit and doesn’t care for drama. I really can relate to how practical he is about things, and while the “suck it up”approach  isn’t the best or healthiest motto to live by, there are moments in our lives (and I can personally attest it) where we have to put our feelings aside and just focus on work, because at this job, a poor performance can lead to immeasurable consequences.

Another good sequence comes in, in which Tom asks Amelia where is that neurosurgeon who operated on Nicole Herman’s tumor, to which Amelia replies “that was brain tumor Amelia. Non-Brain Tumor Amelia is a reasonable surgeon, who asks reasonable questions.” I think the situation with Catherine’s tumor and this important, complicated surgery is a perfect moment for Amelia to sort of regain some of her confidence. I disagree that the Amelia who operated on Herman was inconsequent and unreasonable. She was bold, driven, she took a leap of faith. Yes. But we also saw a lot of Amelia questioning herself, overthinking her plan, carefully considering each little detail. That’s why I say this tumor arc was a total retcon, because back on season 11 it was not at all obvious that Amelia had anything pathological going on (unlike for example the moments in the s14 premiere, when she acted like a crazy person who wasn’t considering any risk when she set out to operate on that boy’s face against Jackson’s advice - that was a forced, artificial moment). The Herman arc served to establish her as neurosurgeon just as talented and skilled as Derek (or perhaps even better). It wasn’t out of character and inconsequent at all. 

I think even if this upcoming operation turns out not to save Catherine, there can still be success at some level, or even some kind of breakthrough for Amelia (and Tom). Amelia has always been a brilliant, determined surgeon, but unlike Derek, she always humble. She always respected her enemy (the tumors) and the rules of the game . Right now, even if she takes on a more conservative approach and needs more time to carefully go through everything, it doesn’t mean that her brilliance and resourcefulness went away with the tumor. Impulsiveness has nothing to do with talent and vocation. The tumor was causing the first, not enhancing the latter. And I am glad that they are pointing out the fact Amelia is more reasonable now, not only with words but also with actions.

As Amelia and Jo exchange a conversation about a technology that can potentially help the neurosurgeons in their quest to beat the tumor, Tom steals the scene by making the most hilarious faces. Greg Germann is a gem, and he is so charismatic that his version of Dr. House (also known as Tom Koracick) came out better than the original. I also love how unimpressed Amelia is about Tom’s whoreness. I imagine that she’s had to put up with him acting like that around women a million times while she was studying under him. Just priceless.

At the same time that is going on, Owen is apparently really sick. In reality, it looks like he was just done performing at a Rocky Horror play, but we are meant to buy that he was perfectly healthy the day (or night?) before but then developed some nasty flu symptoms in a spam of a few hours that actually required intravenous rehydration. 

But when Owen got accidentally injected with propofol, I understood the purpose. Sadly, we are not getting to see him sing Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me. What a pity. I was getting hyped about this.

When Owen is knocked down and can’t breathe, he is intubated and taken into a room, and that’s where the vomit-inducing part of the episode came, because we had to put up with Teddy acting all wife-y over him.

It doesn’t take long before she points out how much of a victim she is again, this time asking for Owen’s sympathy. Teddy is even bold to say that she didn’t do anything against Amelia, which I absolutely disagree with. She might not have attacked Amelia directly, but by withholding the information she should have disclosed a lot sooner, Teddy invariably brought Amelia into a situation she could have chosen not to be a part of had Teddy spoken sooner.

Teddy says she doesn’t understand why she is the only one who has to sacrifice anything (which she was never asked to do, by anyone), and then suggests that Owen moves to Germany (because again, she doesn’t want to do anything to Amelia lol). Forget Amelia, let’s us be reminded that Owen has Leo, a foster child whose custody he doesn’t have, which means if he leaves to Germany, he’d have to leave Leo behind, alongside Amelia and Betty.

Yeah, Teddy, you’re being such an inspiration.

This nonsense idea ends when Owen suggests that Teddy takes his job and runs the trauma department (because in Grey’s Anatomy, it doesn’t matter if you’re a thoracic surgeon, you can run trauma; and if you are a trauma surgeon, you can run general. I think I’ll quit the Peds ICU and ask for a job in the Ophthalmology department, I heard the hours are good).

What I love about this decision is how zero f***s Owen gives about his job, his status, his position. While Teddy has been whining during the entire episode, complaining about “working under a twenty something”, Owen takes the more practical route and simply offers her the job, if it means so much to her to have a power position. He doesn’t care. Owen is the kind of person who doesn’t need to have a formal position to be a leader. He’s always been one. And while Teddy is running in circles trying to get validation out of a job, he can simply forfeit his because to him, the baby and the people he loves matter a lot more.  In two episodes, Owen has acted a lot more like a parent than Teddy has for 16 weeks, but who’s counting, right?  He is able to acknowledge the sacrifices Teddy has done (even if she hasn’t done them for the right reasons lol) and his motivation isn’t egoistical, he is just trying to make a crap situation a little better to everyone involved. That’s my man!

And to make it even tastier, Owen goes on and makes the best choice of the day. I confess that I expected the show to drag this out a while longer, to toy with the idea of the “triangle”, but I am very glad things got resolved really quickly.

A while ago, I mentioned that Amelia needed to be sure Owen was sure about his decision to carry on with their relationship during this messy situation and I think that last scene was a perfect portrayal of that. It’s the third time Owen looks for her (first in the stairwell, then in the neuro lab, and now outside the hospital) to try to salvage their relationship. He’s determined, he’s not giving up. And more importantly, he is proving what he is saying with his actions.

Owen informs Amelia that he gave Teddy his job. He wants them to stay and the honesty with which he says that really affects Amelia, because she is obviously linking those wishes to Owen having conflicted feelings. But then comes my favorite part of that dialogue (and that was a really hard pick because Owen said wonderful things!): “It’s the truth, Amelia, and I have to be able to tell you the truth. I have to be able to make mistakes, because there is no clear path here.” The only thing Owen knows for sure is that he’s having a baby with Teddy, but the real family he has is with her. Amelia is his family, she has been for a long time. And none of the good things coming his way are going to be that good if she’s not in it with him. Owen misses her and them. He doesn’t need time, he needs her.

And that’s how Amelia is sure Owen is sure.

As if our hearts hadn’t skipped many beats, Amelia gets very emotional. It’s clear on her face that she’s deeply moved by what he says. For a moment, we hold our breaths in fear that she might reject his words, but once her hands run on his chest and they exchange that classic, loving, emotional Omelia glance, I know it even before she drops the line.

That’s the confirmation (to us and to Owen) that she is also on board with this, that she also misses what they have and doesn’t want to give up their relationship. It’s Amelia agreeing that yes, they have to be able to make mistakes and tell each other the truth. It’s perhaps the most important step in their relationship so far, and it’s crowned by the cutest little twirl in the history of the show.

Everything about that scene is absolutely adorable, from the cute looks and the touching, to Amelia sneakily getting inside Owen’s embrace.

And since I roasted Teddy enough, I thought I should say that while I knew she and Tom would hit it off, I was quite surprised by how much I enjoyed watching them together. For the first time, Teddy wasn’t acting all defensive and making wrong decisions, instead she seemed to be taking on what’s coming ahead for her. I sense this is going to be a friendship who will later develop into something more.

Alright, bonus notes about the episode:

1)    Catherine and her tumor: Catherine is someone who I don’t like, can’t relate, feel like is excessively arrogant and standoff-ish. She is very good at patronizing everyone around her while treating everyone’s feelings with disregard, and that’s not being a leader, that’s being a tyrant. Her way of functioning is basically she gets to dictate all the rules (and change them when it suits her), make all the mistakes she wants and disregard the consequences, and when things get bad, she doesn’t need to deal with any of it, because she can simply change her last name or play the cancer card. I don’t care for people like her because she might seem like she’s strong and empowered acting as if she is immune to everything and everyone but in reality, she is weak and very fragile. Deep down, she is terrified of her feelings, can’t deal with them and that’s not at all a sign of strength. A high IQs doesn’t necessarily make up for high emotional intelligence, and walls don’t keep people out, they lock you in. Catherine is the living proof of those. The outcome of her plot is only interesting because Amelia is involved and might play a role in it, but other than that, I have tried really hard but honestly can’t feel any kind of sympathy for her (probably because of the way she treats the people in her life – I would hate being related to her).

2)    DeLuca or DeLink? While I don’t care if Meredith ends up with one, both or none, I confess I enjoyed learning a little more about DeLink’s background. The whole childhood cancer thing felt a little contrived, I admit, but I think it’s a nice explanation to why he sees the glass half full. I like his optimism and how upbeat he is, and I sincerely hope we get more of the guy in the future episodes.

3)    Kid Bailey is officially the worst actor ever. I know I shouldn’t be saying these things because he is a kid and all, but I am.

4)    I was very happy that for once, Omelia’s plot wasn’t about Leo and Betty.

5)    Glasses is that awkward friend we all have that gets inspired by the most unbelievable things, and then goes and embarrasses himself by doing something impulsive or inappropriate. But rarely, very rarely, that leap of faith pays off and when it does, it’s really cool to watch.

6)    I have decided we are not getting enough Jo, or Alex, or Jolex.

7)    Why does Maggie’s life revolved entirely around Jackson now? Did I miss something?

And now a personal bonus. This is entirely un-related to the developments of the characters, but it does involve Grey’s Anatomy and like I said, a choice I made.

To make it short and simple: for a few weeks now I have been getting to know two different guys – one works in the same hospital as me, and the other trains in the same place I do. They are very, very different people. One is a well-bred, delightful, ambitious, sophisticated and funny guy who understands my work hours, is absolutely responsible, driven and cultured, and knows damn well what he wants. The other is a carefree, laidback, family oriented, energetic, boyish business owner who is a hardworker, makes me laugh and thinks the idea of a good time is to dispute who can spit the farthest.

As you can imagine, making a choice between the two guys was incredibly hard, especially because I wasn’t really focusing on relationships at the moment. So I have tried not to place too many expectations on anything and simply took it lightly just to see where things went.

To my surprise, despite us working in the same place, things kind of got cold with the doctor, but the cuckoo head who works down my street makes more time to see me than the other does, and he brings food whenever he comes over. 

Last Thursday, I was coming home from a long, strenuous double shift and all I wanted was to come home and watch the new episodes of Grey’s and Suits before I went to bed. But he called and came over, saying he didn’t mind staying in and watching the episodes with me if I was too tired to go out.

May I point out, this is someone who up until last week thought Grey’s Anatomy and ER were the same show, doesn’t watch anything other than sports competitions, formula 1 races and superhero movies, and asked me if he can come over to my hospital to “pretend he is a doctor and play with my 3D Glasses Simulator” when Tom and Amelia were trying to work up a plan to approach Catherine’s tumor. He was very disappointed when I told him my work does not involve any kind of 3D simulations.

He also stated that “there were more people in the OR gallery than in (his football team’s rival)’s stadium”,  asked me if “Future Medicine Fellow is a fancy name for researcher”, decided on his own that “the skinny blond woman (Teddy) looks more lost than Sandra Bullock with a blindfold on Birdbox” and ultimately, said that “That guy (Tom) is the real hero because he gets to play videogames and chill while everyone else is working”. And to my delighted surprised, he came up on his own with the conclusion that “the guy you like (Owen) made the right choice to go for the brunette because they are the most good looking couple in the show.” Not exactly the reason I would go for, but I agree with it!

The point is that, in an episode about choices, everything worked out as it should. And from there on, there is no more triangle.  Owen made his. I’ve made mine. Even if after looking over my shoulder, he focused on the Super Mario on my screensaver instead of the absolutely adorable things I wrote about him.

So, Owen and Amelia are together. Now what?

I think moving forward, we are going to see these two dealing with things as a couple and navigating this unprecedented situation of having a family, while Owen is going to father someone else’s child. I think the Teddy drama will be put on hold for now, at least while Owen and Amelia deal with their own domestic situation. From the synopsis, we can assume that Betty (and perhaps even Leo) are at a high risk for leaving the show, and I confess I am very interested to see Owen and Amelia dealing with an empty nest if that turns out to happen. It would be a challenging situation for sure, considering that these kids were how they initially got closer again, but aren’t the real reason why they are together. I think there’s a lot of ground to explore there, but since I’ve spent too much time dissecting the events of the past episode, I will leave the speculation to the following posts.

I hope everyone has a lovely week, and thanks for making all the way here! See you soon!

*all uncredited gifs go to @bafy-usy

[thatemoredlion-archive]

[I am going to apologize again for lack of content lately. I know this isn’t a personal blog by any means, but not only do I feel like I owe an explanation to you all, but honestly my friends on here are currently some of the only people I trust. 

Being honest, my mental health has been shit. Not only because my schedule bounces between days and graves so I get no solid sleep schedule. Not only because my dad’s traumatizing death has triggered severe PTSD (fortunately the carpet in the bedroom got entirely replaced today so there’s no longer a huge chunk of carpet missing where he died). But unfortunately my exes are causing a lot of unnecessary drama and stress in a time where I am truly raw and don’t need it. 

What’s sad is my ex-girlfriend was highly involved in the passing of my father. She wanted to be there to support me, and now to due a heinous lie, she wants nothing to do with me. Normally, I wouldn’t care. Exes don’t always get along. But this lie is so far from the truth that it’s driving me mental, and I’m convinced the only reason it’s happening is because my ex-boyfriend was pissed I cut him out entirely while I kept her around, and he wanted to eliminate any risk of her leaving him for me. 

It all started on my ex-girlfriend’s birthday. Being the nice person I am, I reached out. I got a conversation about how “no one is doing anything for her birthday because no one cares.” I told her I would do something for her when I was back in town from Seattle. I asked her about dinner plans she does every year and was told it wasn’t happening because everyone had work. I found out later that it was happening, and called her out for lying. I was first told by her that she didn’t want me to know because I had plans that weekend and she didn’t want me hurt - I was then told it was because I’m a “stalker”, which made no sense - her and I had barely spoken since the funeral (which was almost two months ago). Maybe once every five days, if even. It turns out she claims I was a stalker because I “asked my friends details about her life.” First off - I didn’t. My friends are her friends and would tell me stuff whether I asked or not. Second - I’m the one that broke up with them and I think they tend to forget that. Why would I stalk someone I intentionally left for being abusive and didn’t want to look back??

So, they all go to her birthday dinner. Mind you, my ex told my best friend the night previously that she wanted no drama and not to bring me up. Guess who goes against her own word and brings me up? Turns out my other ex (who she is still dating) starts crying and saying that I pushed him into sexual activities while we were dating. Non-consensual sex? He’s basically calling me a rapist. The irony? Anyone who knows me knows I was disgusted by him. I only dated him because I had strong feelings for our other partner, and her for me. Which sure, makes me shitty, but definitely not a rapist. I wouldn’t even kiss him or tell him I loved him so he didn’t feel led on. 

I want to say the irony is that he was always sexual with me. Within a month of us dating he sent  me dick pics I never asked for, and continued throughout the course of our relationship. One when all I said was ‘cute’ because I wanted him to know it made me uncomfortable, he threw a fit that I didn’t call him sexy and didn’t want him physically. In fact, one of the last things he said to me after the break up was “I’m glad you told me because I just got a new packer and that would have been awkward.” To me that heavily implies that he would have sent me more pics. I have so many texts where he would tell me about nasty dreams about me or talk about how much he wanted my dick. I would screen cap this to show my girlfriend, who was entirely disgusted by his behavior towards me. Many of my friends have been appalled by how he talked about me or acted towards me. Hell, early on with us dating he sent me photos with a dildo up his ass - a dildo his girlfriend of seven years didn’t even know he owned. He would touch and grope me at cons and at their house around our girlfriend and everyone around me would see my discomfort and that I never reciprocated. My girlfriend heard me make up a thousand excuses (dysphoria, sickness, stomach cramps). I would pick up extra work shifts on days him and I were supposed to hang out so I didn’t have to be alone with him - all my coworkers knew that’s why I was working 70 hour weeks. I spent many hours at work crying because of how pressured I felt by him and how I didn’t want to be around him. When I backed off he started complaining how he missed my kisses, how I didn’t want him, and how he wanted to kill himself for it. My girlfriend told me he was catching on and I had to “pretend to like him so I didn’t lose her.” On nights I had work, I would only sleep on her side of the bed because I didn’t like sleeping by him. My dick move here, but I even told him once I wasn’t physically attracted to him, listed why, and told him that was why I never wanted sex. He sobbed about it to our girlfriend and brought it up to me often. He would take my shirts without me knowing and admitted to jerking off to it. He wanted to get me alone at cons so our characters could have sex. And a final kicker on this list? For my birthday, he made me a coupon book - one was for a quickie and one was a personal favor with a wink face. 

Him and I fucked around twice over the span of two years. Oral sex. He told me our girlfriend wasn’t allowed to know - of course I told her. TMI, but the first time he told me I was the “best person he tasted.” The second time he hurt me but I was scared to tell him so I jokingly asked if he was bored and he said “I could do this all day.” That’s why I avoided being home alone with him - I felt pressured. I felt responsible for his life. And the kicker? A week into dating, he pushed my girlfriend and I into a threesome, in which we both admit to being traumatized by. 

My ex-girlfriend knows all this and was witness to more than half, yet she believes him. She has been claiming for seven years that he’s abusive, and has wanted to leave him, yet believes him. She saw him send me twenty-five texts begging for me back the day after the break up. She saw him try to be the one to come to my house when my dad died and saw him break down, worried that I hated him. But now he’s claiming that I was abusive, manipulative, and pushed him for sex. And she believes him. 

She told my best friend she hopes she never sees me again. She’s telling whoever will listen how horrible I am. This is a girl I wanted to marry. Who I gave everything to. So yeah, my mental health is fucked. I’ve been confused and heartbroken about how she believes this when there is so much evidence against it. My own PTSD keeps flaring up because I have been assaulted four times, so to be accused of something that I know damages lives immensely is appalling. My anxiety is through the roof that they’re going to turn everyone against me. I’m scared to run into them and them do something vindictive. 

So yeah, I haven’t been well. I’m a train wreck on top of being a train wreck. I’ve had no muse, no motivation, all I want to do is hide under the blankets and sleep it all away and never wake up until this shitty dream is over. So, that’s my long story. Thanks for listening to me and being good friends that know I’m above all this toxic bullshit.]

[azuisreading]

Misdirection by J. M. Leigh

Madi Hayes has a lot of secrets. But one she can barely remember has haunted her nightmares for years and left her scarred inside and out. Now, she’s a Seattle SWAT Officer masquerading as a dispatcher for her overprotective family. She tries to make the best of an awkward family vacation, but when Madi finds herself in the middle of the action and old pains flare to life, she, and the mysterious definitely-not-tour-guides, find themselves locked in a struggle of truth and lies that leaves Madi’s life hanging in the balance. Theo Boudreaux is a former Army canine handler who joined Anderson Security when his dog, Elke, was injured and retired. Now he leads a team of special operators filling the gaps between the law and justice, with a little help from the Anderson’s government connections. But he’s getting restless, and a suspicious freckled blonde with green eyes that don’t miss a thing is exactly what Theo doesn’t need as his team faces their biggest case yet. As Alpha Team struggles to decide if Madi’s an innocent caught up in their case or the guilty party they’ve been looking for, Madi and Theo discover that a little trust can move even the iciest of mountains. It’s up to Theo and Alpha Team to uncover the secrets that lie buried beneath the snow.

Review

I’m giving this review because I was blessed enough to be part of J. M. Leigh’s awesome ARC Team; I enjoyed this book and I hope to be able to enjoy many more.

So… secret agents. And spies, uh? My cup of tea even when I know nothing about them and I don’t always understand what they’re doing or how they did what. But is that I just can’t stop! They’re so… interesting. And how things unfold! No one trusts each other and the lack of communication creates unnecessary issues! It drives someone a bit mad when we know they should be talking. But is even worse when the information they need is nowhere to be found, not even in the only person alive involved.

Have you heard about selective memory? How about repressed memory? I know very well the second one, but the trauma that our female protagonist suffered is indescribable, mostly because is nowhere too. It’s a thing of them, the secret agents and spies, their records aren’t easy to reach.

But what is easy is how fast you can love the male protagonist’s team! Maybe not all of them (because what would be the fun in having a whole team of approachable, reachable sex appeals?) but the vast majority… if you have my taste. If not, they’re still pretty diverse.

It doesn’t come without some content warnings… Just think about it, the background of those agents isn’t the prettier. But aside from the bad and the drama (that can be good, but is also bad), there are some spicy, some spy moments and reminiscences, very much some flirting, and a whole lot of action. The action just steps aside a little bit during the whole book, so…

If that’s your thing, why not give it a try? 😉

Phrases that I liked so much that I marked them while reading

«To the storytellers and the dream chasers. If you ever wanted to, you should.» — Dedication.

«and he’d go through hell and back before he let any one of us down.» — Chapter Two.

«Obviously she was one of those people who didn’t scream when they were scared, probably taunted by her older brother too much as a kid. That same thing happened to me, it turned out to be pretty useful later on. Tactically speaking.» — Chapter Four.

«But I loved my job. I loved my work at the Agency, too. The thought was sobering. I spent the rest of the day curled up in Teddy’s bed. I was grateful for the privacy of a door.» — Chapter Twenty-Two.

«“It’s too much of a coincidence. If I was reading this book, I’d roll my eyes.”» — Chapter Thirty.

[365footballorg-blog]

Armchair Analyst: A run through all of Sunday's Week 34 MLS action

October 22, 201812:08AM EDT

And now for something completely different:

Eastern Conference

Atlanta United 2, Chicago Fire 1

The Five Stripes stayed atop both the Eastern Conference and Supporters’ Shield race with a pretty drama-free win over the visiting Fire. But while it was drama-free and professional and comprehensive and there was really no doubt, at any point, who the better team was… meh. Since autumn began Atlanta haven’t much looked like the “We’re gonna stuff you into the woodchipper” Atlanta of the summer.

For as good and solid as they are right now, they’re not explosive in any sense of the word, and the biggest and easiest way to sum it up is that they miss Miguel Almiron badly. No one else on the roster has shown the ability to both cut players out of the play off the dribble while making the game vertical.

To be fair, who wouldn’t miss Almiron? He’s arguably the best player in the league and not easily replaced. But they’re almost certainly not going to have him next week, and maybe not for the playoffs, and while this team as it’s constructed is still good, they are by no means favorites without their No. 10. This is all compounded, of course, by an ill-timed slump from Josef Martinez.

Tata Martino tried to compensate by giving Andrew Carleton just his second start of the year – he can’t run away from players like Almiron does, but he’s a visionary chance creator – but things didn’t quite click. They feel like a team that’s searching for a Plan B right now.

Chicago weren’t good enough to take advantage of that and punish them. TFC, next week at BMO Field, might be.

Philadelphia Union 0, New York Red Bulls 1

And if Atlanta do slip up next weekend, then RBNY will almost certainly take their third Shield in six seasons. They’ll have done it for a lot of reasons – the league’s best defense, a few game-breakers in midfield, and a match-winner in goal being three.

That said, the team’s best and most important player remains striker Bradley Wright-Phillips. Yet even on a day in which BWP was neutralized like we seldom see…

The Union held Bradley Wright-Phillips without a shot (on target or otherwise). It’s the first time BWP has had a start without a shot since June 24, 2017. String of 43 starts.

— Matthew De George (@sportsdoctormd) October 21, 2018

RBNY found a way.

This was their 11th win of the season against playoff teams, which is an obscene number (Atlanta are second with eight). They know how to make games against good teams into 50/50 battles, and then they are better at winning those battles than anybody else.

And mind you, Philly are really good. Since fully integrating Borek Dockal and Cory Burke in mid-May, they’re 17-9-3 across all competitions. That’s not quite a Shield-winning pace this year, but it’s not far off. And the Red Bulls went to Chester, walked out onto the Union’s home field, and outlasted them.

D.C. United 3, NYCFC 1

And yet you could argue that neither Atlanta nor the Red Bulls are actually the best team in the East right now. United toyed with NYCFC (to be fair, everybody’s doing that lately) in their final home game of the regular season, capping off a magnificent 11-2-3 stretch in which they climbed from dead last overall to fifth in the East, and with the possibility of getting up to fourth place – and thus earning a home game in the Knockout Round – if things go right.

They did it with style, too. LOOK AT THIS!!!!!1111

Say a prayer for all the defenders that Lucho Acosta turned into ghosts on that play. May their souls find peace in the afterlife.

This was basically more of the same thing we’ve seen over the course of the last three months from D.C., and that applies equally to the Pigeons. NYCFC are 2-6-4 since the end of July, and could drop from third to fifth next week if they lose to Philly at home on the final day of the season, and if D.C. beat Chicago in Bridgeview.

The one ray of light here is the presence of Yangel Herrera, who picked up an assist in his return to action. It feels like too much of NYCFC is broken – they don’t pass the ball from the back like they used to, they don’t combine through midfield like they used to, they don’t get the fullbacks into spots to create danger in the final third like they used to – for one guy to fix everything. And Herrera probably won’t.

But he wins a ton of 50/50s in the midfield, and turns those wins into chances pretty often. In a tight game, that might be enough.

Orlando City 2, Columbus Crew SC 1

Whoever grabs that third spot in the East hunt – Philly if they win at Yankee Stadium next week, and NYCFC if they just get a result – will likely, but not certainly face the Crew. And they it’s only likely because Columbus switched off twice when defending deep against a team that had one win in five months. And now the Purple Lions have two.

Simply put: Lack of individual quality in the attacking third is what separates Columbus from the other playoff teams (or the other playoff teams from Columbus, more accurately). The Crew do just about everything you’d want to see from a contender, and still play some of the prettiest soccer in the league. But the guys they rely upon to turn possession into production aren’t up to it and haven’t been for several months now. It’s been hard to watch as the wheels have pretty thoroughly come off their season.

On this day it looked like the strain of protecting yet another razor-thin margin wore on and eventually wore out the backline and defensive midfield. Credit to OCSC for the fightback (and to James O’Connor for trotting them out in a rather effective 5-4-1 formation) for sure, but they were gifted two penalties from Crew defenders who’d mentally switched off.

And like that it’s not homefield advantage in the playoffs on the line anymore: It’s a trip to the postseason.

Montreal Impact 2, Toronto FC 1

The Impact don’t control their own destiny, but they’ve done well to put themselves in a position to capitalize should Columbus continue on their current massively downward trajectory. They did it by – stop me if you’ve heard this one before – sitting deep and countering their way to a win.

There’s not a ton to say about this game. TFC had chances that they missed, and on the flip side an unnecessary penalty (probably don’t want to pull a guy’s shirt in the box) and more, um, questionable goalkeeping from Alex Bono sealed the Reds’ fate.

Montreal have to go to New England and win next weekend to have a shot.

Western Conference

FC Dallas 0, Sporting KC 3

What do we make of FC Dallas? Their defense is still very good – this game’s scoreline wasn’t a mistake, but neither is their season-long goals against total – but their attack has gone entirely AWOL over the past two months since moving Maxi Urruti to that “nine-and-a-half” spot. Urruti works hard and delivers a killer set pieces, but he’s an inconsistent (at best) finisher and he doesn’t create chances from open play.

To that effect: FC Dallas have scored one open play goal in the past six games, and it was against Orlando City (literally the worst defense in league history). They’ve won some games in that stretch because of that defense, and because they’re devastating on set pieces, but this time of year, against teams like SKC, that’s not enough. It’s not all or even mostly Urruti’s fault – Dom Badji had his chances on the day, as did Michael Barrios, as did Santiago Mosquera, as have countless other FCD players over the past couple of months. None have delivered.

Dallas are now 6-6-4 with an even goal differential in the second half of the season. They’ve been a perfectly mediocre team since July.

SKC look to be much, much more than that. Getting Khiry Shelton back onto the field has absolutely elevated them:

Shelton doesn’t score much – he has just 8 goals in 3600 career minutes. But his movement opens up the field for SKC’s wingers and attacking midfielders to push forward into space, and his passing touch means those attackers tend to get the ball played directly into stride, running at a scrambling defense.

They’re top of the conference and will, at the very least, avoid going on the road for the Knockout Round. It’ll be their first time avoiding that fate since 2013, which happened to be the year they won MLS Cup.

LAFC 2, Vancouver Whitecaps 2

To be honest SKC should be sitting in second place tonight because LAFC should’ve beaten Vancouver. But they didn’t despite playing at home, despite taking a 2-0 lead, and despite playing a ‘Caps team without their leading goalscorer.

The Black-and-Gold’s defining characteristic at this point isn’t their comfort with the ball or their surfeit of attackers. It’s their ability to take the foot off the gas at inopportune times during games they should win:

#LAFCvSKC xG. LAFC cough up some more points. pic.twitter.com/5xEUFCowOe

— Ben Baer (@BenBaer89) October 22, 2018

It is at least a little bit weird to criticize an expansion team that’s on 57 points, is certain (not mathematically, but still) to have a home playoff game and still has a chance to win the Conference. But I’d argue that they should’ve had the conference wrapped up by now, and the fact that they’re giving away leads like this at this point in the season is not exactly encouraging for what’s to come on the other side of Decision Day.

Vancouver’s playoff hopes officially ended in this one, but damn it was nice to see Alphonso Davies have one last monster game in the league. ‘Caps fans should give him a 90-minute standing ovation next weekend.

Houston Dynamo 2, Seattle Sounders 3

Try this one out: Seattle have gone 13-2-1 in the second half of the season, and with a win at home next week against San Jose will have posted the single-best half-season PPG in league history. They have been solid at the back and rampant in the attack, and in Nicolas Lodeiro they have a player who is A) recognized as one of the league’s best orchestrators, and B) still somehow underrated/underappreciated.

Lodeiro’s role, as seen against Houston and really throughout the second half of the year, is told by his passing map:

Go wherever the game takes you. Find the ball. Do sorcerer stuff with it.

Seattle’s other players understand that the best way to make the above work is to work for the above – i.e., to be planets orbiting the sun. 

This was not a vintage performance by the Sounders, for what it’s worth. But they were on their second road game in four days and didn’t miss a beat.

Portland Timbers 3, Real Salt Lake 0

Here is Jeremy Ebobisse’s version, which I’m calling our Pass of the Week, of that Khiry Shelton hold-up play above:

Ebobisse’s provided exactly the above – rugged target play that frees up the wingers – as he’s worked his way into the rotation over the past two months. And that’s allowed Gio Savarese to go back to the beginning and finally settle on a pretty basic, but pretty effective 4-2-3-1.

The strength of the formation is that it allows Diego Chara to play in a double pivot, which means 1) he’s still a or even the primary backline shield, and 2) he can still push forward on occasion and overwhelm disorganized teams.

The other strength is that it allows Sebastian Blanco and Andy Polo – the wingers – to provide the width. Portland had been relying upon overlapping fullbacks through much of the year, and had gone well past the point of diminishing returns in that regard. Both Timbers’ fullbacks get into the play when opportunity presents itself now, but not at the expense of breaking the overall team shape.

And with that they broke RSL’s season. As Mike Petke said after the game it’s a one-in-a-million shot that they make the playoffs now.

It is understandable that the first thing they’d look at is this end-of-season home-and-home with Portland, and there’s zero doubt about this: The Timbers were the better team.

RSL didn’t lose that playoff spot to the Timbers, though. They lost that playoff spot to themselves on September 15 when they could only manage a 1-1 home draw against visiting Minnesota United. If RSL had done the job then, they’d already have clinched.

Minnesota United 1, LA Galaxy 3

As it is, RSL need Houston to give them a miracle next week in Carson because the Galaxy went to Minnesota and beat the hell out of the Loons. Please note that it is easy to beat the hell out of a team that does not mark Zlatan Ibrahimovic at the back post:

The Galaxy have played gory and glorious Dom Kinnear-style soccer – keep in banks of four, don’t get fancy in the middle of the pitch, trust your stars to make game-winning plays – over the past month, going 3-0-1 with 10 goals scored and only two conceded while pulling to within a single point of RSL, and with a (home) game (against the Dynamo) in hand. For the first time in two years, a playoff spot is theirs to lose.

It certainly doesn’t look or feel like they’re going to lose it. It’s not just Ibrahimovic doing the things he does, and the other attackers playing their parts. It’s also (or even primarily) come from Sebastian Lletget playing his best soccer since 2016, and Jonathan Dos Santos finally looking like a DP midfielder.

The other big change is even more obvious: Dave Romney and Daniel Steres have been mostly pretty good at center back. That’s a damn sight better than what the previous starters brought to the table.

San Jose Earthquakes 0, Colorado Rapids 0

I still love the 2012 Goonies with all of my heart:

Never Say Die. #WeAreSanJose | @ChrisWondo pic.twitter.com/Y50I6biKE8

— San Jose Earthquakes (@SJEarthquakes) October 22, 2018

There’s our Face of the Week.

Series: 

Topics: 

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Armchair Analyst: A run through all of Sunday's Week 34 MLS action was originally published on 365 Football

[textales]

“Cut Bank Cop”

“Oh god, we’re not stopping?!”  This can’t be happening.  I shook off and zipped up, slammed the restroom door open, grabbed my bag and ran toward the nearest exit. Trying not to whack into the other passengers, I shrieked “I have to get off here!” as the train known as the Empire Builder moved slowly east toward Chicago.  What the hell?  

I’m supposed to get off in Essex, a teeny town of less than 50 people, smack dab in the middle of the Rocky Mountains on the west side of the Continental Divide.  I made the trek from California to surprise my father on his 80th birthday. The party would be at my step-sister’s cabin, just down the hill from the train station, perched on banks of the middle fork of the Flathead, directly across the river from Glacier Park in Montana. 

My step-brother Mark and his wife drove over from Bend, Oregon. The three of us were going to be surprise guests at the party - they’d pick me up from the train and we’d show up at Jane’s place for the big reveal around noon. I couldn’t wait to see the look on my father’s face when we piled out of the car, since for weeks I’d been apologizing for how I couldn’t be there.  Truth is, I wouldn’t miss this for the world – I mean really, it’s not every day a dad turns 80, right?

Our clandestine plan was working perfectly until that moment.  Just an hour earlier, I called Mark from Whitefish to let him know the train was on schedule. “Grab a cup of coffee and hang out on the front deck….we’ll be there soon,” he said.    

As I ran through the dining car I watched the pine trees slowly moving by. “Oh shit,” I thought to myself. “Where is the next stop? Is it Shelby?  Holy fuck…this can’t be happening. I am a fucking idiot.” I pictured Mark and Andrea waiting at the train station as I’m nowhere to be found, with no way to communicate since cellphone service is nonexistent in this part of the planet.

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

I was so proud of myself for making this happen, finally.  This was Take Two - just one year prior I’d planned the same trip with a nearly identical itinerary, but then to surprise my step-mother on her 80th birthday.  On that trip my sister was the co-conspirator and the only one who knew I was coming – oh, besides my friend Tom who drove from Helena (a four hour trip each way!) to shuttle me around.  But that plan never got off the ground – literally – since the plane never left Oakland.  There was something wrong with the front landing gear, and without parts to fix it or a replacement plane to send (and after making us wait for hours while they tried to sort it out), the airline canceled the flight and refunded our money.  

Since I couldn’t find another flight to get me there in time for the surprise (short of hiring a private jet), I canceled the trip entirely.  It’s not like I was going to Los Angeles – trying to get from the Bay Area to the Glacier Park International Airport is never easy, let alone on the last minute of a Fourth of July weekend. Fast forward to a year later and here I am thinking to myself: “Not again!”

Do the gods just not want me to be here?  It’s one thing to miss a trip due to a mechanical problem completely beyond my control.  But missing the party because I decided to use the bathroom on the train (especially since I knew we were so near the stop) would be downright idiotic. I’d made my way from Oakland to Kalispell by plane, and then caught the train from Whitefish to Essex, and now I’m going to miss my dad’s birthday party because I was listening to “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?” while standing there with my dick in my hand?!  

It’s not like I’ve never been on a train.  To the contrary, I take trains all the time and figured I had plenty of time to pee. But it didn’t stop at the station. What gives?

“I have to get off the train!” I screamed, passing by the Forest Ranger tour guide with a headset who just minutes ago was touting the rugged splendor of the American West to attentive tourists in the Sightseer Lounge car.  

Now we’ve stopped…whew…the tour guide guy must have called the driver dude. Seeing desperation in my eyes, one of the uniformed attendants said “Go to the last car and they will let you out.”  His reaction suggested this wasn’t the first time this had happened.

I could hear mutterings of other passengers who were understandably annoyed. “Why have they stopped?” “They stopped twice.”  Blah blah blah. I don’t care if they’re pissed – I am NOT going to miss my dad’s 80th birthday.  

I made my way through the aisles carrying the only piece of luggage I had. It was a messenger bag I borrowed from my big gay husband.  It had “Gladiator” embroidered on the side and was a souvenir from a trade show he’d worked.  It didn’t matter what I’d done or how far I’d travelled or if I missed the train or even if I ended up in jail:  if I lost that bag I might as well not come home.  As instructed I ran to the end car. It was the sleeper car, all dark and quiet with a sign on the door that that said you can’t be here unless you have a ticket. At first the woman running the sleeper car was about to shoo me away. “I’m not sure I can let you out here.”  Then her radio crackled, she mumbled something, grabbed a key and pulled a lever. “Watch yourself” she said as I stepped outside onto the gravel.  It was a maybe three feet off the ground but it wasn’t like I was jumping out of an airplane.  Whew….I was out of there and on solid ground.

Panting and out of breath, I noticed the conductor guy I spoke to in Whitefish. Now he is standing on the cement platform maybe three cars from the sleeper car where I’d just jumped out.

“Didn’t you hear? We called twice,” he said as he pushed a button on a hand-held scanner thing that I assume registered some sort of passenger count.  

“I’m sorry, I thought I had a minute” I said apologetically.  

As it turns out, while I was taking a pee and listening to Dionne Warwick on my iPod, the train had slowed to a crawl as we passed the Izaak Walton Inn, moved another few hundred yards and landed, as planned, at the official platform where it was going to stop anyway.  Had I paid attention and been at the intended exit door when they called I could have gotten off the train sensibly and without all the panic and drama.

I later learned that Essex is a “flag stop”, meaning the train stops there only if someone has pre-arranged to get on or off at that station. The conductor did have me marked to get off there which is why, thankfully, they stopped as scheduled. All of my freaking out was so unnecessary.  

I thanked the conductor guy for managing the situation and apologized for causing a commotion.

Then just like magic, out of nowhere appeared a young dark-haired girl in a red Ford van.

“Do you need a ride?”

Oh, duh, I completely forgot…I’d pre-arranged the hotel shuttle from the Izaak Walton Inn to pick me up.

Good lord…what just happened?  My head was spinning.  But I had that Gladiator bag on my shoulder so I knew all was okay.  Whew.

Meet Me in Montana

The Izaak Walton Inn is a charming, rustic Tudor-style 33-room hotel built in the late 1930s as lodging for railroad workers. Looking a lot like a gingerbread house plucked from Switzerland, it’s listed on the National Register of Historic Places and is situated in what could be some of the most remote wilderness in the continental United States.  Cell phone service is non-existent and there are no phones or TVs in the rooms (although there is a payphone in the lobby and limited Wi-Fi for hotel guests).  For years I’ve wanted to stay in the main lodge or in one of the nearby cabooses which have been converted into mini cabins – and part of the appeal being the freedom from being reachable by cellphone. There’s a cute little bar with a pool table and seating for maybe a dozen or so, and there’s a phenomenal restaurant serving surprisingly sophisticated food for such an outpost.  Not that I’d eat it, but the menu had Trout Almondine with cranberry wild rice and littleneck clams steamed in white wine with garlic.  

With just two Amtrak stops daily (the morning train heading east from Seattle to Chicago, evening going west,) you’re hundreds of miles away from any “real” city and you could almost forget about civilization, except for when the freight trains rumble by. Everything from cows to cars ride on those rails, and the freight trains run almost constantly, even in the dead of winter.    

Mark and Andrea met me ten minutes or so after I checked in….a woman named Marta (imported from one of those northern European white places where people ski) helped me get settled.  

I squished into the back of Andrea’s two-seater and seven minutes later we arrive at the cabin where my dad and stepmother greeted us with the anticipated amount of surprise. Red even cried a little. Bingo! Now that’s the reaction I was hoping for!  

Finally, after all the chaos, I’m here at my destination and I can spend time with my dad and parts of the family I’ve not seen in decades.  Of course I’m still amped up on adrenaline from thinking I’d missed the train stop, so when Mark invited me on a hike to check out the old swimming hole I happily said yes.  Besides, there will be plenty of time to relax when the sun goes down. I’m so looking forward to telling stories around the camp fire.  

It’s almost criminal how little I know about my home state. Even though I was born, raised and lived in the Treasure State until I was 22, I’d been to the Flathead area less than a handful of times.  When asked about Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks I’d reluctantly have to admit I don’t really have much experience in those places.  When I was a kid I avoided those tourist traps.  Oh sure, I knew about moose and grizzly bears and mountain lions and other potentially life-threatening critters that could eat you, but my Montana was less hunting and fishing and more neon and parties.  The only other time I drove on Highway 2 was maybe 15 years ago, so it’s not exactly familiar territory. Now I’m curious – there is still a sense of mystery about this land and so much of it I haven’t yet seen. I’m not expecting to see a grizzly bear, but it wouldn’t kill me to put my feet in the water.

The river was higher than usual because there had been an abnormally high amount of snow over the winter. Even though it was July and the sun was gleaming and it was in the 80s, the water was maybe 33 degrees.  There were groups of people floating on rafts and although it looked fun I thought they were crazy…just a minute or two in that almost freezing water would put anyone into shock. Call me a pansy if you must, but I think I’ll stay on dry land.

As we rounded the curve near the old swimming hole we noticed a yellow kayak on the rocks of the river bank.  Who would go kayaking in this water?  Are they nuts? And where did that come from?

There was no paddle to be found.  And Mark noticed there was no skirt (something I wouldn’t know to look for but he knows what he’s talking about). We yelled to see if the owner was nearby, maybe taking a pee.  “Is anyone out there?  Yo, is this your yellow kayak?”  Silence. Nothing.  

The kayak looked newish. There was no license sticker like you need with a boat, nor was there anything to suggest this thing was owned by a guide or a place that does organized rafting trips.  I figured we should just leave it there. We could come back in an hour.  But Mark was insistent that because there was no paddle and no skirt there had been a situation.

He peeled the cover off and tipped the kayak upside down to drain the water. It was full - clearly it had been completely submerged.  “What’s that?” I asked as he pulled out a bundle that looked like a rolled up raincoat.  “It’s a dry bag” said Mark as he ripped open the Velcro to look inside.

I noticed a cocoon attached to the outside of the dry bag. Clearly, this cocoon or spiders nest or whatever it was - this was proof this kayak and its contents had been here for a while. Mark opened the thing which clearly hadn’t done its duty as a “dry” bag, since the contents inside were all soaking wet.  Inside was a wallet, a set of car keys, and a cell phone. 

Mark checked…the last time the phone had been turned-on was six days ago. The wallet had a Driver’s License and credit cards.  Oh shit…now this is serious. We yelled out again, “Hey….is anyone here?”   Again, silence, except for the sounds of the gentle rapids of this river that was barely above freezing since it’s technically runoff from a glacier.  

Mark and I returned to the cabin with the dry bag and its stuff.  We’d go back later to retrieve the kayak.  Peggy and Jane were prepping for Red’s big birthday party as Mark explained what we’d found on our short hike.

“Don’t touch anything, that is evidence” Peggy stated calmly.

Jane picked up the landline to call Flathead Search and Rescue. She wondered who might be on duty this weekend (everyone knows everyone in these parts) and kept her cool while making the call.

“No, call 9-1-1. This is an emergency” screeched Peggy.

“Oh Mom. It’s not that big of a deal,” said Jane.

“It is if there’s a dead body,” uttered Peggy with all the wisdom of an 80-year-old grandmother.

As I stood there envisioning divers in scuba gear dredging the river bottom, I couldn’t help but think that if there’d been a report of a missing kayaker from six days ago it would have been all over the news by now.  Wouldn’t there have been search parties and helicopters?  I vaguely recall a report of a guy lost in the Bob Marshall Wilderness….it was on the TV news in Kalispell and in the Daily Interlake newspaper and I knew about it through Facebook. But that was months ago…this guy’s phone was hot just six days ago.

Mark paid no attention to his mother’s warning and was still digging through the wallet. Behind the driver’s license was another ID: this guy was a police officer for the small town of Cut Bank, about 75 miles east of where we were.  

A Cop?  Oh my…the plot thickens.

While Jane talked to the dispatcher at Search and Rescue, Mark and I took the Rhino (a 4 wheeler ATV) up river to get the kayak - they’ll certainly want it as evidence.  And now that I know missing guy is a cop my mind starts to run amok with all kinds of conspiracy theories and potential plots and outcomes.  This is thrilling.  And I thought almost missing my stop on the train was a rush.

We returned to the river bank where we left the kayak. Much to our surprise, now it’s gone. What the hell?  Mark yelled out, thinking kayak guy might be close. Again, nothing but the sounds of the rapids.  

Had Cut Bank Cop busted someone who really wanted him gone?  Did he or an accomplice plant this as evidence, hoping someone like us would stumble upon it and call the authorities?  After several months or years would someone be collecting the insurance money and he’d surface in Mexico or Belize?  If we were to believe the cell phone we found in the dry bag, he had literally been up the creek without a paddle for six days.

With no kayak in tow Mark and I took the Rhino back to the cabin.  I was anxious to hear what the Search and Rescue people had to say. Would they be sending a team with scuba divers and cadaver dogs?  Why don’t I hear helicopters yet?”

Meanwhile, not to be bothered by any of this commotion, Red was sitting on the front deck, leisurely whittling away at a piece of wood he was carving for one of the grandkids.  “Hey look,” he said, calmly glancing toward the river as a guy in a yellow kayak, with a paddle, made his way down the river.  Remembering dude’s name from his driver’s license and Cop ID, Mark yelled out “Hey, are you (so and so)?”

“Yes…..oh wow, is that mine? Did you find that floating in the river?” he asked, referring to the dry bag Mark had in his hands.  “We found it in the kayak and noticed there wasn’t a paddle or a skirt and were afraid of the worst.”

Cut Bank Cop, so very happy to have his wallet, keys and cell phone back, explained that he and his wife were up river when she lost control of her vessel, flipped over and managed to get herself to the shore.  Watching it all happen, almost in slow-motion, he beached his kayak and walked up to meet his wife who was clearly now done with this river ride experiment. Fuck this…she’s going back to the car. She left in a huff, headed to wherever they’d left the car, a place called Payola.  Oh, and now, well, she’s technically missing and so is her kayak. But dude wasn’t the least bit worried.  “She’s got a gun” he said.  “She’ll be fine.”  

I can’t help but think about the document I sign every year that says I won’t take money under the table for playing someone’s record – but this is different Payola and not even spelled the same way.

Anyway, he’s cool as a cucumber. Shouldn’t he be at least a little worried?  His wife is stumbling through the wilderness in a place where grizzly bears eat people.  Just earlier this year some bicyclist ranger dude ran across a bear and met his demise on a trail less than a mile from about right here. Would she make it to Payola? Jesus…this is getting crazy.  If he isn’t going to worry about her, well, I will. 

After thanking us profusely for fetching his wallet and phone, Cut Bank Cop went with Jane to get his pickup truck a few miles up the road while Mark and I went looking for the wife’s missing red kayak.  

As we were bombing down the road in the Rhino we ran across a neighbor who mentioned he found a woman walking around, all soaking wet and pissed off.  She wanted a ride to Payola.  Whew, okay, she’s not bear food and she’s not dead.    

A couple minutes later, after Mark and I observed a red kayak ditched at a neighbor’s private beach, I noticed a pickup truck approaching with # 38 on the license plate.  “That’s a 38-Special,” I thought to myself.  In Montana a 38 on your license plate means the vehicle is registered in Glacier County – the same county where Cut Bank is located.  Sure enough, the driver is Cut Bank Cop, out looking for his wife’s missing red kayak that Mark and I spotted at just that moment.  

“As luck would have it, we found your other kayak too!” Mark uttered.  He then helped load it in the bed of the “38 Special” as Cut Bank Cop kept thanking us for saving his ship.

“I can get another wife…but the kayak, can’t lose that.”  

He was so very grateful and offered us a reward for finding his missing stuff. 

“Absolutely not,” said Mark.  “We are Montanans, after all, and we look out for each other.” We said our goodbyes and returned in the Rhino to the cabin.

As I glanced at the Gladiator bag sitting on the deck, next to my dad who was still carving the wood thing for the grandkid, I took stock of the day.  No missed trains, no dead bodies, no grizzly bears gnawing on wayward kayakers.  

Okay, enough adrenaline rush for the day. Finally, it’s time for that beer and a chat with the old man around the campfire.  After all, this is what I came here for in the first place.