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The Unwritten Rules of Concerts

Concerts are a sacred place. It’s at concerts where people from all different walks of life cross paths because of one similar belief. This band, this artist, this group, is fucking awesome. I’ve never been a very religious person, but the concept is not dissimilar from going to church. Let’s be real, Dave Grohl is the closest thing to a God I’ll ever have. But there are rules for walking on this sacred land; you don’t show your shoulders in church, and you don’t bring an iPad to a concert. I’d like to say that for the most part, the people who regularly walk on these sacred lands are some of the kindest people on this planet... potentially too kind to tell you when you’ve bent these Unwritten Rules. But believe me, they WILL subtweet you for hours if not days to come. So I’ve written a little guide in hopes that we can all learn to respect both these sacred lands and the sacred people who walk on them.

1. It’s a concert, not a costume party.

For a lot of the people at the show, they live the metal life, the pop life, the indie life, the hip-hop life, every single day. I’m not telling you not to pick out your outfit days before and I’m definitely not telling you how to dress, but there’s a fine line that needs to be walked between appreciation and appropriation. There’s no need to pretend you’re someone you’re not just because the people around you don’t know you, ‘cause believe me, they know you don’t live that life. You know how they know? Because that’s their life. We all know that Nirvana t-shirt is from Walmart.

2. Beware of the Hair

This is key to respecting those around you. As a 5’3’’ woman, and it’s hard enough for me to see over your head when you don’t have a hair-do the size of a lion’s mane, so please don’t make yourself any taller than you are already. Fellow girls and newly long-haired men of the man-bun trend, listen up. When you headbang, your hair turns into the tail of a black lab who just heard the word “walk”. It’s not your fault that the crowd has become packed like sardines, but it is your responsibility to know how close you are to those around you, and how far your hair protrudes from your body.

3. Be respectful when assuming your spot.

If you want to be in the front, you have to get there early. I don’t mean 5 minutes before the headliner, and I don’t mean halfway through the opener, I mean at or even before doors depending on the show. The bare minimum you can do is get there before the first band goes on, and at that point, you get what you get. This is especially true for tall people. Tall people are the target when people can’t see at shows, and I’m sorry because it’s not your fault. But recognize that as a tall person you’re all the more likely to be tweeted about if you try to weasel your way to the front because then you aren’t only pushing the person behind you further back, but restricting their view as well. As a general rule for tall people, get there early so that whoever stands behind you holds the blame for their own inability to see, not you. The front rows of standing shows are filled with the most die-hard fans, don’t think you’ll be able to squeeze in without getting a talking to. This comes down to courtesy. Just because the people in the front row haven’t packed in like sardines, doesn’t mean there’s a spot for you. Nobody wants to be packed like sardines, so if people leave some breathing room, respect that and enjoy breathing oxygen instead of CO₂.

4. Concerts are a great date, but I don’t want to watch the concert between your two sets of lips.

Concerts are the ideal date night with my boyfriend, but I’m sure him and I would both agree we are there to see and enjoy the show together, not enjoy each other in the context of a loud room with the company of hundreds to watch. In no way does this mean you can’t talk during concerts or kiss during “your song”, but please don’t turn my night into your reenactment of Fifty Shade of Grey. Breaking this rule bothers me more than most because not only are you inhibiting my ability to watch the show, but you yourself aren’t even enjoying it.

5. Take pictures and videos, but not at the expense of those around you.

This is probably the most commonly broken of all the Unwritten Rules. I once saw ZZ Top at a venue called the 9:30 club in DC. For those of you who don’t know, the 9:30 club is one of the clubs major acts play when they decide to do a club tour. An incredible show, but it was nearly ruined by a drunken 50 year old birthday girl who decided to Facebook Live the entire show. THE ENTIRE SHOW. This is definitely an extreme, but at every show there are a few people that watch the whole concert through a screen, only taking a break to look down and post. Don’t just do this for me, but do it for yourself. It breaks my heart to know that even though we spent the same money, came to the same place, and are here for the same reason, you won’t get to feel or experience the transcendence that is live music. Just being there isn’t enough, you have to choose to listen and choose to feel. When you throw your phone up not only do I know you aren’t feeling this, but you’ve broken my 30-minute long uninterrupted focus on Billy Gibbons’s fingers. Moral of the story; take your pictures and videos in 30 second bursts, and make sure to take a several at a time so that at least one has to be in focus.

6. Don’t crowd surf if the average audience member is younger and weighs less than you do.

I thought this one was pretty self-explanatory until I saw a robust, grown man come crashing down upon the muddy ground, seemingly surprised that the crowd of We The Kings at Warped Tour couldn’t hold him. Crowd surfing is a dangerous game because even if there are strong people to hold you, the likeliness that they’re looking backwards to make sure they’re ready to catch your sweaty body is slim to none. That being said, crowd surfing is an incredibly cool experience, so if you do choose to crowd surf, make sure the crowd is one that can hold you up. (What would be better still is if you crowd surfed to the back so people can see you coming!)

7. Don’t be a bully in the mosh pit.

Moshing dates back to the early days of punk, so if we’re honest, most of the people moshing today weren’t there when it started. This rule is especially important because anyone who is moshing today has to learn the cultural etiquette. Mosh pits aren’t meant to be an everybody vs. everybody fight to the death. It’s more like a high-stakes game of people pinball with the perimeter of the circle serving as the triggers. Moshers are some of the more violent people at the show, so following this rule is extra important because if you throw a cheap shot, you can bet you’ll get one right back at you.

8. Pouring your heart out to the married lead singer won’t get you backstage.

It always surprises me how many people will try to get backstage. The reality is unless you’ve got an in, or a pocket full of cash to throw at VIP passes, you probably aren’t getting backstage. Not to mention, the kind of rock stars who would want you backstage after only just looking at you aren’t cool, they’re creepy. That’s beside the point though. Rock stars are real people too, they understand who they are, but it’s way cooler to be a hard core fan than their wannabe wife. If you do get the incredible opportunity to meet some of your musical heroes, spend that time telling them how they made an impact on your life instead of how you want to replace the wife they wrote all your favorite songs about.

9. Don’t buy counterfeit merchandise.

Counterfeit merchandise is the biggest backstabbing mistake a fan can make. We’ve all heard it before: physical sales are down, streaming is up, and bands are forced to make all of their money through touring and merchandise. You probably spend hundreds of hours a year listening to your favorite bands, the least you could do is sack up and spend the extra $5 on official merch. It’s easy to think what difference could one person make, but if you really believe in a band, don’t give your money to people who make a living screwing them over.

10. Have a designated driver.

I really wish this didn’t have to be on the list, but it does. At every concert, I’ll see entire groups of people arrive together, get obliterated together, and leave together, as I sip my water and hope that I don’t end up driving next to them on my way home. Even if it doesn’t end in an accident, even if you only had a drink and a half before the asshole next to you spilled it, the parking lot is hard enough to get out of without you being in a drunken haze.

Despite years of teenage girls telling me their dad was in the front row, despite countless hours watching concerts through somebody else’s phone screen, and despite multiple pony-tail whips to the face, I had never once stood up for myself. Never dared to cause confrontation where there needn’t be any. Until just this past week. A couple squeezed in front of me 3 rows back from the front 5 minutes before the headliner came on. I held my tongue. Then they started making out when I am a mere 3 inches away from their faces. I held my tongue. By this point between the girl and the boy caressing each other I had been elbowed in the boob five times, and did I mention I could bite her ponytail off without moving? I held my tongue. Then they started bragging about how close to the stage they were, AND THERE I WENT. I let it out, all the aggression meant for every teenage girl weaseling to the front, for every bald dad taking videos of full songs, for every 6 foot tall guy who ever stood in front of me. I told them off as respectfully, but as truthfully as I could in this moment of true and utter disgust. The wanna be alpha male tried to defend himself and just like that, I had the support of every fan that heard me tell them off.

“I think if you look around, everyone would agree [with her]”

“You should’ve gotten here at 7 like us”

“I came from South Africa to be here tonight”.

I knew I had been getting stares when I started to go off on these two, but I had no idea they were stares of support. The people at these concerts are extremely cool and caring people, and they don’t want to ruin your night, so please don’t ruin theirs.

So, respect the code, don’t be a dick and we will all have the best night of our lives!

- Devon

#music #concerts #rock #alt #alternative #metal #shows #gig #tour #bands #mosh #rage

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